Confessions of a Catholic Prostitute
by Death Makes An Artist
Summary: This is my story. It's not the story you think you know or even the story you want to know. It's the truth, and I live with it every day... COMPLETE. Sequel posted: How the World Keeps on Turning
1. Chapter 1

**Confessions of a Catholic Prostitute**

Casey's behind the scenes tell all.  
Rating for sexually explicit and violent content including domestic abuse and rape.

_This is my story. It's not the story you think you know or even the story you want to know. It's the truth, and I live with it every day. I live with everything I've done and haven't done, all of the missed opportunities and the darkness and the light. I live with the love and the hate, the one night stands screaming his name from my skin. It's such a vivid memory, all of it, that I don't understand how people could ever forget, how they keep telling me I can move on one day. I may keep going. I may even move forward, but my choices, these choices, shaped the path offered to me. The world is not limitless to anyone once they are born. Even before they are born. I know that now. You can't do anything. Your options are limited, and I've only limited mine more. You aren't going to like this, but I'm going to tell it anyway. I'm not going to start by apologizing or asking you to understand. If, at the end of this, you hate me, I understand. If, at the end of this, you don't understand, I understand. I understand because I hate me. I don't understand. But, it's my story. And, it's what I have to hold on to. _

The night started on the wrong note. It started badly, and I knew it. I knew it when the District Attorney called me into his office, when he shut the door behind me, smile plastered on his face. DA Branch did not smile. Not like that. That was his bad news smile, the smile he gave to ADAs that were more likely to quit than continue. And, I thought, I will not quit. I will not turn my back on justice, even if it is only white collar justice. Of course, years in white collar didn't mean anything in the wake of Alexandra Cabot's death. A fellow ADA had been shot, and we all knew someone had to take her place, her unit. Sex crimes was something we all shied away from. Even Cabot hadn't embraced it, though we had all noticed her passion as time wore on. And anger. She might as well have been prosecuting homicide. She was so angry. I couldn't be like that. Could I?

I barely heard Branch as he announced his decision to put me in her shoes, to make me walk that path. It was that path that had gotten her killed. That didn't mean that other crimes hadn't killed other ADAs. I'd met one a year back who was shot on a bike path the night after I met him. He would have survived if someone had found him, but no one ran that path at two in the morning, not even in New York City. I liked white collar very much. Most of the defendants on my docket didn't try to kill me. We negotiated whether or not they got to keep their diet in prison for an extra fee on their part. In comparison to what the violent crimes dockets did, white collar was a joke. I liked my joke. I liked it very much. But, I was not senior enough to veto Branch. Only a select few ADAs were. And, of course, McCoy, the DDA, but he had his own rights with a political rank. Me? I was, am, just a peon, a pawn in the great political game.

I'd left the office late, trying to close up as much as I could with the cases I was on. It wasn't as though it would be difficult for someone to step in and take over. White collar is both easy and difficult. They're all the same, and most end in plea bargains. I hadn't seen trial in over two months which, by New York standards, was a long time. I couldn't help but shake the feeling that Branch was punishing me for that, so I stayed. I worked that last little bit. I cried. I never cry, but as I sat staring at my computer, I cried. Not loud. Not dramatic. I just felt like I was about to lose something inside of me, some sort of innocence. I couldn't avoid the demons of the world anymore. I would be pursuing them. More than anything, that scared me. That scared me because I knew about demons.

The down side about leaving the office so late meant I was home much later than I was normally. It was nearly eight when I walked through the front door to the apartment complex I lived in in midtown. I could afford an uptown apartment, yes. My salary was exceptional for a public servant. I didn't have family money. My mother had been a stay at home mom and substitute middle school teacher. My father had been in the military. I admired them both for it, but I had been on my own in amassing what wealth I had. Still, I had chosen midtown. It was closer to work, and I refused to buy a car. I lived in New York City. No one needed a car here. That didn't stop the traffic from backing up for miles, but no one needed a car. I was a bit of a one girl environmental campaign. I was losing to pollution, but I was trying.

"Casey." One of the women in my building was headed out for the night. My head snapped up. I swore she was into clubbing too much for her own good, but she was like me. She had a high paying job and lived in midtown. She could afford to go clubbing every night without batting an eye. I offered her a tired smile. "Come out with me tonight, Casey," she pleaded.

"I can't, Jenna. I'm already late getting in. I just want a hot bath and to go to sleep." I switched hands with my briefcase. It was empty tonight. I started with Manhattan's Special Victims Unit the following morning and had no case files to read over the night. I felt a pang of fear choke my throat and tried to smile through it.

Jenna frowned, pushing her blond hair back behind her ears. "Come out, Casey. One night. One night to be free." It was a familiar plea. It should be mentioned that Jenna lived below me, her bedroom directly below mine with a connecting heating unit. I could hear nearly everything that happened in her bedroom above a certain volume. She could hear everything in mine. Sometimes, I wondered why she went out every night. I am not loud during sex. I am quite the opposite if it's good. If I have to pretend, it's loud. Men seem to equate loud with good. I never did understand that.

She held her hand out to me, but I turned toward the stairs. "Another night, Jenna."

"You'll be dead soon," Jenna answered, her voice quiet, face sad. I smiled at her like I hadn't heard it. I wanted to tell her she wasn't psychic, but no gifts of prophecy were needed. Like I said, I knew a lot about demons.

I was barely through the front door which had been left unlocked despite me locking it on my way out the door in the morning. "David, I'm home," I called to the man who currently shared my bed. For him, I was loud.

"Casey, thank God." His voice met me with a strange sound to it, halfway between worry and anger. I rounded into the kitchen to see a young police officer standing with him, his pen still resting on the paper. "When I couldn't get a hold of you by cell or at the office, I panicked." He hugged me. I let him, still watching the officer.

"I'm okay, David. I stayed at the office late, working. I, uh, I got a promotion of sorts. More work." Technically, it was a promotion. I just liked my smaller station in white collar. "Sorry I didn't call. I didn't mean to worry you." I realized I hadn't taken my eyes off the officer. Shaking my head, I set my briefcase down on the floor near the kitchen table. "I'm sorry to have disturbed your shift, Officer."

"Not a problem, Ma'am. Just glad you're safe." He tipped his hat and left, his eyes still on me. I knew what he was thinking. I had attended the same lecture. Controlling, abusive men keep tabs this closely on their partners. Normal men don't get that worried. I just smiled.

The door barely shut when I felt the hand over my mouth. I had known he would be mad. I nearly took Jenna up on her offer. "You made me look like a fool, Casey."

I pulled away from him and locked the door, locked the police out. Locked me in. "David, I'm sorry. It's been a hell of a day."

He frowned. "You say you got a promotion."

"Of sorts." I frowned. Would a demon want me pursuing demons? I didn't know. He didn't see himself as evil. I was the fool even though I knew better. Why did I stay again? "Starting tomorrow, I'll be working sex crimes."

"Sex crimes?" he questioned. "Isn't that the unit whose prosecutor was just killed?" I nodded slowly, not sure where he was taking this. "Great, my girlfriend is taking a promotion that's going to get her killed."

"That was a freak case, David," I argued, "She prosecuted hundreds of cases before that."

He had moved forward and I had moved back without noticing it. It put my back flush up against the wall, his hand firmly beside my face. I swallowed. "All the same," he growled, "You're not taking it. It's bad enough that you walk home from work in the dark. You're telling your boss tomorrow you refuse."

I shook my head. He implied that the dark was when the monsters came to play. The monsters played in the daylight, too. We were just happier to ignore them. "I can't, David. I wasn't given a choice. Besides, I wouldn't tell him no." Maybe I was just being defiant. If I could have told Branch no, I would have. I did not want this change.

But, I didn't have time to take that back and explain to David that my heart was breaking about leaving white collar. If I could have, I would have stayed. But, I didn't have the time. My face was always an open hand, a slap. Bruises in visible places meant it was more obvious that I was living with just such a monster. The force was hard enough to send my face to the side, though, pivoting on my neck until my opposite cheek hit the wall. The hairs on his arms brushed my mouth. "David," I whispered against his arm. "Please, don't. Please. I'm sorry."

I didn't know what I was sorry for. I was sorry for staying, for being too afraid to throw him out. The apartment was in my name. He didn't split the rent with me. I had an income. I had the means to survive without him. I could get the locks changed. I could. My eyes caught the medals he'd hung over the bureau in the living room, the Marine Corps hat, shined and cleaned with pride. My father had been so happy when I had brought home a military man. So happy until I said he was a Marine. Then, the frown had played over his face. My father was an army man, but he did not seem thrilled with the Marines for more than just a friendly rivalry. He never said why, though. Now, I knew.

In battle, some Marines were fantastic. They fought for this country tooth and nail, not like humans, not with regret. At home, if they didn't know how to turn that feature off, they brought that animalistic drive with them. David didn't have the switch. I had left him once. He had nearly killed me. I had changed the locks. I had told the landlord he was persona non grata. That hadn't stopped him just after midnight from breaking in to my bedroom through the window.

The second blow drew me back from the memory. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. "Are you even fucking listening to yourself? Compose yourself, Casey. You're fucking worthless."

I had been mumbling pleas. I never remembered doing it, but I knew it was what I had been doing. It was standard. Just like indictment follows arraignment, I began to beg with the first strike. "David, stop. You're hurting me."

That had been the wrong thing to say. He picked me up and threw me on the couch. Only a few inches taller than me, pound for pound, David was always much stronger. I am not cut out for the military. I'm a good softball player, but I am not a fighter. I am not physically strong enough. I panic. I don't fight back. I freeze up. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I remember to run. I've never remembered to grab the softball bat in the closet. If I fought back, I wonder if he would stop or if he would kill me. My head cracked on the arm of the couch. He had thrown me hard enough that the momentum pushed me through to the wood supporting the arm.

He was on top of me, legs straddling my hips as his hands closed on my neck. "David, stop," I yelled, "I'm pregnant. Please, stop."

He did. I slammed my hands over my mouth. I couldn't believe I had just said that. I hadn't wanted to tell him. I had only found out that morning. I had taken two hours off work to go to the doctor. My physician had given me information for abortion clinics without even asking. I'm Catholic, but even I would not bring a child into this, assuming the baby would even survive the beatings. Of course, the doctor had known that the moment I lifted my shirt for the ultra sound. I had a black and blue ring around my hips, and nothing could explain that away as an accident. I was either into some really kinky sex or-

My revelation only stopped him for a few seconds. He recovered and grabbed my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face. "You're what?" he barked.

"Pregnant," I whispered, my eyes turning away from his face. The anger had been pushed back by the shock, but he would either return from that more angry or this baby would be my saving grace. I didn't know, and I was terrified. Thoughts of work fled my mind. I hadn't processed the baby yet. I hadn't been able to. I'd gone back to work numb with an appointment for an abortion already scheduled for the next week. I was already going to hell for premarital sex according to my mother. Why not add murder?

He tore my shirt off, ripping the buttons off. His hands touched my porcelain white stomach flecked with black, blue, green, and purple. "How far?" he asked, his voice still between anger and grace.

My heart was pounding in my throat. Talking around it was not easy, and it took me three tries to actually bring words out of my mouth that were sensible. "Six weeks," I whispered. He back tracked like I had done. There was no guarantee he was the father.

"Do you want it?" His voice was neutral. I couldn't tell what answer he wanted from me.

I was quiet for a while, too long, though, because he grabbed my throat and slammed me back down. Choking, I clawed at his hand. He held on. The blackness began to creep into my eyes. I was familiar with the sensation of blacking out, but I feared it every time. What if he forgot to let go when I passed out so I could breathe again? I pulled at his hand with mine, but I was gradually losing control over my own muscles. "Da-vid," I managed to crack out.

He let go. I coughed, sucking air in. It was not easy. He had moved his weight to my chest with his hands, leaning against me. "Answer me, Casey." There was warning to his voice. No matter what my answer would be, he would find away not to like it. I understood that with a wave of terror. I was trapped, and I was about to get seriously injured.

"Before I do, David, I have to be in front of a new squad tomorrow, a squad of detectives who know violence very intimately. Don't give them an excuse, David, please. No matter my mistakes-" I had been about to say more, but he shifted a knee under my ribs and pushed up. I cried out.

"Answer me," he said, "And, Casey, you know I hate repeating myself."

"Not like this, David. I don't want it like this. I don't want a baby like this." I was sobbing, barely able to catch my breath. "You put a gun to my head, David. You put a gun to my head and told me to have group sex with your friends after the game." He glared at me. His friends hadn't known about the gun, the death threat. I hadn't been willing. They hadn't known that. Only David. Only David knew, and he had captured my absolute humiliation on film. He hadn't been in the film. I don't think his friends had known about the camera, either. The three of them had just had fun fucking me, and there was no other way to describe it.

David had thrown me in the shower after they had left, rinsed me off and scrubbed until I bled. Then, he'd raped me. That, I could call rape. What he had done was rape. And, all because I'd turned him down a week prior to that and had fled to spend the night working in the office.

I was numb when he pushed me off the couch. I heard my body land but I didn't feel anything. "You fucking whore," he snapped, "You fucking whore."

I was panting, gasping for air, as I rose onto all fours. "Me?" I asked, "Me? You ass. You put a gun to my head. You said you'd kill me if I didn't do it. If I didn't fuck them all. I didn't want it. I didn't want to do that." I wrapped my anger around me. It drove the fear back like a blanket driving away the cold. His heel connected with my spine as he stomped me down, pushing me with his foot back to my stomach.

Somehow, I rolled out from under him. I pushed up and ran for the front door, my fingers working the lock as he grabbed the lamp off the side table, ripping the cord out of the wall. He may have had strength, but dammit if I didn't have short bursts of speed. Short bursts off speed to make the bases. I slammed into the stairwell so hard that I fell down it, scrambling to my feet once I hit the floor at the bottom. I broke out into the frigid air of the New York night swearing that I could feel his hot breath on my shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2

**-AN: Hey. Thanks for the reviews. I really do appreciate them. Alex will show up and save the day. Promise. :) Couple of disclaimers: 1)Don't own charries you recognize. The others are mine for better or worse. 2)I don't know NYPD radio code. This will make sense later on. Also, I didn't look it up because I took liberties with some of the codes to be silly. This is, after all, a rather dark fic. Silly is needed from time to time. **

It took me about three blocks to realize a few things. The first was that I was barefoot and a sharp pain in my foot made me think I had stepped on one of many sharp objects on the sidewalks of New York. The cold across my stomach and chest made me realize that aside from the bra, I was naked from the waist up, my shirt clinging to my at my elbows as I fled. My skirt had been torn in the scuffle. I wasn't wearing shoes. I tore down the sidewalk, putting as much distance between me and him as I could.

The second thing I realized was that David had not followed me. I paused in flight at the mouth of an alley and looked around me. The streets were semi-crowded, but only the tourists noticed me. To the natives, I could have been just as normal in a pink tutu and fairy wings. God help this city.

The adrenaline settled, drawing waves of nausea into my body in its absence. I gagged twice before ducking behind the dumpster at the lip of the alley and vomiting. Kneeling, I threw up until my stomach was empty. It was a battle to stop dry heaving. My stomach hurt. My head throbbed. I was dizzy. And, it didn't feel as though enough air was getting through my body. A flutter ran through my stomach and I gagged again, spitting up burning strings of sticky liquid that I had no name for. Groaning, I leaned against the dumpster until I was under control.

I still felt sick, but with nothing left to throw up, I managed to stand by using the wall for heavy support. I was shaking visibly, and that frustrated me. I never liked displaying my weaknesses. I may be terrified on the inside, but I've always felt as though on the outside, I have had a strong shell. Whether the shaking was entirely from terror or in combination with the cold air.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Shit.

Mentally, I berated myself. I could not believe I had let the pregnancy slip. I didn't want him to know, wanted to get the abortion and forget the whole thing happened. As a prosecutor, I knew the importance of evidence. The value of such a thing was beyond words. Evidence meant something happened. In order to continued to pretend nothing had happened, I needed to eradicate the evidence. Get rid of everything. My clothes were gone. Their semen had long been washed from my body. I had bleached the floor around the area where that happened. I was trying to find the tape to destroy it. And this. This thing growing inside me, leeching off me. This thing and my memories. I could drink to forget.

I dragged my body along the brick wall down the alley, my bare shoulder scraping the uneven surface of the wall. Pain helped drown out the fear. Pain and anger. I was smarter than this, better than this. Fuck it. I had a Harvard fucking law degree. I was too educated for this shit, too educated to let him do this to me. Closing my eyes, I slid down the wall and cried. David had been so lovely, especially after I had decided to break up with Charlie. I hadn't handled the violence in that relationship very well. I wasn't doing any better now, but David didn't have the excuse for mental illness. David was just a bully. I couldn't remember why I hadn't ever filed a police report. Until this day, it wouldn't have mattered, not really. The cops I worked with didn't care about that kind of shit. In fact, it would have been Special Victims' case. This was some sort of cruel joke. The universe was rubbing my mistakes in my face.

I have no idea how long I sat there, feeling uncharacteristically sorry for myself. It was pitiful, really. I had made my choices. These were only the consequences. I had gotten nothing less than what I had signed up for. I just hadn't known what I was signing up for. My skin was numb and turning colors by the time I finally stood back up. Stumbling as the blood recirculated through my legs, I continued down the alley to the next street over. A loud argument between two drunk men made me turn my head in time to see one of them shove the other into a wall. I turned away as they began fighting in earnest, unsure of when I missed all of the violence. I should have called the police. I didn't.

I had grown up in a very Catholic, very sheltered home. Wars never happened here. In fact, until law school, gang violence was something akin to a unicorn to me. No, not quite. I knew it existed, but I had never seen it and it had never affected me until then. I'd grown up in the suburban area, more than a half hour drive from the city.

Tying my ruined shirt just under my bra, leaving my belly exposed but my clothing looking more normal, I opened the door to the gas station. "Can I use the phone?" I asked, shivering now that I was in a warm environment again and starting to defrost. I had stopped shivering outside. I could see myself in a mirror above the cash register. My eyes were red, surrounded by red rings. My skin was too pale to be healthy. A bright red mark around my neck looked suspiciously like finger marks, and the bruise on my stomach was partially visible above my skirt. I did, however unfortunate, also look like a hooker. Fuck.

"Blow me," the guy said. Yes, I had seen that coming. Something about a red head sucking their penis just seems to do it for some guys. Apparently, there was just such one of those guys at the gas station.

"I'll use a different phone, thanks." I looked at him with disgust, though I wasn't sure it actually made a difference to him.

"Aw, some on. You must do several Johns a night. What's so much more repulsive about me?"

I cocked my brow, the anger rising up like bile in my throat. "Trust me," I muttered, "You can't afford me." I didn't look at him as I walked back outside to the payphone just outside the store. I had wanted to save my parents the collect call.

Licking my dry lips, I pressed zero and gave the operator my parents' phone number for a collect call. My father accepted it and his voice came on the line, still caught with sleep. "Daddy?" I choked out. And, the tears and sobs came out, hard and fast.

"Case? Baby, calm down. Tell me what's wrong." His voice remained calm, but even through my own tears, I could tell he was more awake.

Like a fool, I stood for several minutes and just bawled, my father telling me it was okay on the other end of the line, his disembodied voice trying to coax me into telling him what was wrong. "I can't stay with David, Daddy. He's going to kill me."

"Casey, what are you talking about? What's going on?" My parents had moved upstate once I graduated high school. They were two hours away by car, and I was an asshole to involve them.

I was shaking again, nausea in my throat like some caught animal, fighting to get up, get free. "He hit me, Daddy, choked me. I'm scared."

My father's silence on the line made my blood run cold. I had never told my parents about Charlie's violence. My mother adored Charlie, and I couldn't ruin that for her. They didn't even know about his mental illness. My parents did not like David. My mother just could not understand how I could dump an angel like Charlie for an arrogant bastard like David. Problem was, in the beginning, David wasn't an arrogant bastard. He was a normal guy. At least, that had been the character he had played. During much of our first year as a couple, though, David had been deployed. I had seen him mostly online, and even then, maybe only once per week.

"Daddy?"

He sighed. "Slugger, what do you want me to do?" he asked, his voice telling me nothing. He was entirely neutral and that sent shivers like shock waves down my spine.

It was finally my turn to stay silence. "I don't know," I finally breathed. "Tell me you still love me?" I sounded weak, very unlike myself. My world had been spun upside down and upside down again today. I was starting to think weak might not be unreasonable.

"Of course I love you, Casey. You're my daughter. Nothing will change that. Hang on, sweetie, Mom wants to talk to you." I heard the phone switch hands, the breathing on the line almost wheezy. She was ill, though not terminally so.

"Hi, Mom." I swallowed. Of my parents, surprisingly, my mother was more judgmental than my father.

"Hi, Casey. Are you going to be okay down there?" She sounded concerned which was rare. "You know you can always come up here to stay for a few days, go to church with your mother."

I had a horrible flash back to David crawling through the bedroom window, gun in his hand telling me that he would shoot me if I screamed. Would he follow me to my parents? Would he hurt them? I was not willing to risk it. "Thanks, Mom. I'll stay here. Work needs me. I just needed to hear your voice." I tried to put a smile in my words but failed miserably.

"Okay, Baby. You can come here anytime, though, okay?"

"Thanks, Mom. I've gotta go. I love you."

"I love you, too. Say bye to your dad."

The phone changed hands again. "Bye, Daddy. I love you."

"I love you, Slugger. Stay strong. Come visit us for your birthday this year. Your mom wants to take you out for a girl's day."

"Sounds great. Tell Ham I love him." Ham had been a puppy when I graduated high school. He was an old pooch now, but still my favorite dog ever.

"Will do." With that, we both hung up, and I wiped my face feeling like the tears had frozen onto my skin.

I wandered the neighborhood until I was too tired to continue, my eyelids heavy even as I shivered nearly uncontrollably. It was then that I turned back towards home. I was exhausted and freezing beyond measure, and sleep and warmth were a decent trade for my live in nightmare. Here I was, white collar prosecutor extraordinaire and I could not pick a good man to save my life. Literally.

The apartment door was unlocked which was just as well since I had fled without my key. David was sitting up in the recliner, bottle of bourbon on the floor at his feet. I picked up the bottle and set it on the counter where he wouldn't accidentally kick it over in his sleep. David was out cold, and it was gone one in the morning. I had been gone for over four hours. For David, that was plenty of time to get wasted enough that he would fall asleep. I wouldn't be able to wake him until the hang over did.

I covered him in a blanket before crawling into bed, the bedroom door locked behind me. On the off chance he woke up before me, I did not want him to lay in bed with me. I did not want to touch him. It took an hour for me to warm up again and another hour to fall asleep. My alarm went off promptly at five every morning, even weekends. My first day with SVU was not going to allow me to make a good impression. There was just no way, not after a night like this.


	3. Chapter 3

It's a sick joke. Weeks like this make me think there cannot possibly be a God. I stared at the photograph of the dead infant because my stomach turned too much to look at the real thing. The baby's mother was dead, too. It didn't matter that I was getting an abortion already. If I hadn't been, the case would have sealed the deal. I would not bring a child into this world to have it so cruelly taken out. And, I knew I would be lying if I thought David would do anything less than kill it, even if it wasn't intentional. I couldn't imagine what he would do around a crying child.

I was still so tense from the night before and the stark reality of the case that I was even more an ass than normal on scene. I clashed with everyone. Truth be told, I was looking for a fight. I needed something less brutal, something I could process. Verbal battles, no matter how low, I could process. Words, I grasped. Violence of action, I did not. There were a great many reasons I did not want to be with SVU, and the list felt like it was only growing.

Detective Elliot Stabler recognized me from softball. I played for the DA's team. He played on the NYPD side. He had caught a couple of my better hits. I had tagged him out on occasion. Our friendly rivalry on the field did not stop me from picking a fight with him and his partner, Olivia Benson, on scene. In fact, we argued all day about everything. I don't know how well I did on that considering how often I had to dismiss myself to be sick. They all thought I had a weak stomach seeing a dead child.

My problem, of course, involved a baby, but not the one they thought it did.

I also needed to stop thinking of it as a baby. It would never become that. Still, despite me practically rejecting religion, it had been drilled into me so had that life began at conception that I did not know what to call it. Fetus even made it sound real. I did not want it to be real. That one thing. Distance, I just needed distance.

At the station, Elliot handed my a small stack of pictures of the woman, Brianna, who was found murdered. I didn't know what to do with them, and no one else had seen him give them to me, so asking seemed even more silly than normal. They felt like lead in my hands. If I had to go into violent crime, I wanted homicide. I didn't have to deal with living victims. So far, in this case, so good, but I had no idea how long it would last. I could not imagine someone surviving this. Nor had I previously been aware of how fantastic my imagination was. Removing the close up of the dead woman's face from the stack and pocketing it, I shoved the rest back at Elliot. "I know she's dead. Find me her killer."

"We're looking into Doctor Newlands. How about you get us a warrant for his DNA in case he doesn't cooperate and offer it." His voice was a low hiss, and I stumbled backwards, suddenly afraid. My heart in my throat made it difficult to breathe.

"There's DNA on the vic?" I questioned, attempting to swallow around that lump in my throat. I did not want him to know how much his tone had scared me. I had no reason to fear Stabler.

He shook his head. "Paternity test. It's a start. Usually, women like this are killed by the father of the child." My face paled. I could feel the blood drain away. My entire body felt like liquid ice was flowing through it. "Don't pass out, Novak."

"I won't," I snapped before turning on my heel and leaving. "Call if you go anywhere. I'm coming, too." I paused at the elevator. "Consider your warrant granted." I might not have had the political connections Cabot had, but I had traded favors in white collar. A favor was a favor. I could cash in for these cases if I had to, though in this case, I doubted the judge would feel the need to charge me an owed favor.

I had stayed in my office the rest of the day, sending the warrant by courier in case Newlands was uncooperative. Five o'clock came and went. I called David. He didn't answer. I left a voice message that I'd be late home. The night before still burned into my mind with a fierce intensity. My body could not take a repeat.

Irate, ill, and confused, I set to work reviewing some of the open cases SVU still had in order to prepare paperwork needed and brief myself on each case. I had to decide to whom I would offer plea bargains and who I was less lenient on. I didn't want to offer any of them a plea. I felt as though they all deserved to be locked up for good, but my bias was showing. By six, I knew this was a sick hoax. I was not cut out for this job.

"What would I do if you were born? Where would that put us?" I found myself asking, and it took me a minute to realize my hand had fallen lightly on my stomach, thumb rubbing my skin through the fabric of my shirt very softly. It was oddly soothing, but as soon as I realized what I was doing, I yanked my hand away as though my shirt were on fire. I scoffed. "The M.E's slab. Fuck it. I can't do this shit. I can't do any of it."

I felt the tears hot behind my eyes. Struggling to keep them at bay, I changed into sweats and a tee with a light jacket. A quick run would help me clear my head. It always did. Slipping on sneakers, I ran out the back door of the DA's office and turned right at the end of the street towards the park. As my feet pounded the smooth pavement, I mentally cursed myself for being too cowardly to face this case. I cursed myself for my inability to think of an abortion as anything less than murder if I did it, but perfectly acceptable for anyone else. I cursed myself for not being good enough.

"You pathetic whore," I muttered under my breath in time with each step, pushing myself as I swore my lungs would explode. "You worthless piece of trash. You're no fucking good at anything. You deserve this. God, you deserve this and nothing less." I ran until my legs shook and each breath was a fight. Then, I ran some more.

I fell, my hands shooting out in front of my as my legs literally gave out beneath me. Collapsing, I lay against a tree, curled in a small ball. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't catch my breath to do that. Hell, I wanted to breathe, and that was nearly impossible. My world swam in shades of gray. I was so drained, keeping my eyes open was a struggle.

A tap on my shoulder jerked me out of the daze I had fallen into. "Ma'am, are you okay?"

That was a loaded question. I looked at the woman doing the asking as I sat up, using my arms to support my body weight. My legs still felt numb. She was maybe five foot nine, lean, blond haired, green eyed, and pale skinned. She was also dressed like a police officer. The uniform was too legitimate looking for her to be a stripper, and the squad car made for a dead give away. "I'm fine," I answered.

"It's ten o'clock, Ma'am. Why are you sleeping on the side walk?" I stared at her. "You're too clean to be homeless." I nodded. "Come on, stand up."

I tried, my legs still too much like Jell-o. I leaned against the tree to support. "Have you been drinking, Ma'am?" the officer asked. I shook my head. "Can you talk?"

"Yea," I muttered, "but, I haven't had anything to drink tonight, Officer." I read her name plate. J. Harvey. I wondered what the 'J' part stood for. If I had to pick, I'd say Jamie or Jessica.

"Do you have a medical problem that keeps you from standing straight?" I wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic or serious. I wasn't sure I cared. I didn't feel good, and I was now just realizing how cold I was.

I nodded. "Low blood sugar," I half lied. After a run like that, I wouldn't be surprised if my blood sugar was low. I was symptomatic of low blood sugar on top of that. But, I didn't have any sort of disease that gave me low blood sugar or put me at risk for a sudden plunge. She didn't need to know that.

The officer pursed her lips and turned back to her car, opening the trunk. From there, she pulled out a small box filled with candy. "Normally, I save this for the kids, but you could probably use the sugar kick." She handed me a Snickers bar. Cautiously, I took it from her, my eyes narrow with suspicion. "I didn't poison it," she said with a gentle smile.

"No. I figure. I just-" I paused, breathing deeply. "Thanks."

"Can I give you a ride home? Or do you need to go to the hospital?" Had she been a man, I would have said no despite the fact that she was a cop. But, she wasn't. And, I didn't know how far I'd be getting on shaking legs, even with some sugar in my body. It occurred to me that I hadn't eaten in nearly two days on top of everything. Slowly, I nodded. "Great. I'm Jane."

"Casey," I said as I took her extended hand. "Thank you."

"No problem, Ma'am. It's part of the public service thing."

I laughed, and it felt good. I hadn't laughed in a while courtesy of living with David. It was hard to genuinely laugh around him. He didn't like noise. The quieter I could be, the better. Unless we were in bed. She smiled as though she weren't sure if I really understood the joke. "I've been a public servant for seven years, Officer Harvey, and I still don't give strange people on side walks a ride home."

This time, she laughed. "What do you do?"

"I'm an ADA."

"Ooh. Fantastic. How do you like that, Assistant District Attorney Casey found half frozen by tree," she said as she moved her hand as though that were written in neon letters, or maybe a newspaper headline. "Why are you out here?"

I blushed. "I pushed myself too hard running. I must have passed out."

"Jesus Christ. Well, let's get you home so you can get warm and in a real bed." I flinched, but she either did not notice or chose not to say anything. Either way, I was glad. I would have to work on flinching.

"Thanks again, Officer," I said. I really would start counting the small blessings. I had to. If I had passed out, who knew how long I would have stayed there without her coming along. I might have been there until the morning, and overnight this late in the year, I wasn't so certain that I'd be waking up. Not in what I was wearing with low blood sugar.

"Please, Jane."

I smiled briefly before a violent shiver caused me to frown and wrap my arms around myself. Jane frowned as well, pointing to the car in silent command. I was only happy to obey. In the car, she turned the heater on full and pointed the little blowers towards me. I gave her my address sans apartment number and she pulled away from the curb. "One Adam Twelve, show me transporting one female civilian, out of service," she said into her radio shoulder mic.

"One Adam Twelve, copy out of service at 22-15." Dispatch continued to prattle on to the rest of New York, but they left Jane alone after that to drive in relative peace.

"One Adam Twelve?" I asked with a sleek smile. "Sergeant, did you plan that?"

"I know, and yes, I did get to pick my district and shift when I was promoted." District one, shift Adam, unit twelve. Backwards, it meant that she was the sergeant on the grave shift in the first precinct. "Where'd you learn to read call signs?"

"Worked with my fair share of cops. When did you make sergeant?"

"Six months ago," she said with a proud smile.

"Congrats."

"Thanks."

Our small talk continued to my place where she let me out, handing me a business card. "It you ever need anything, Casey, don't hesitate to call."

Out of politeness, had I any on me, I would have handed her my business card. Given my attire, I placed her card in my pocket. "Thanks. You know where to find me if you need anything from my side."

She laughed, a truly genuine sound. "You bet."


	4. Chapter 4

**-A/N: This chapter is absolutely why this story is M. The chapter is a graphic rape scene. You can skip the whole chapter and continue to the next (I'll post another chapter as an update today so that you can skip this and still read) without needing to know the exact details. If you read it, or if you don't, and you find you need to talk, you can PM me, contact RAINN ( get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline or 1-800-656-HOPE), or contact your local rape crisis center as applies to what you want to talk about. **

When I finally got inside, David had fallen asleep on the bed. I could smell the alcohol even before I stepped into the bedroom. Knowing he would be angry if I woke him and angry if I didn't, I opted to postpone the inevitable. I didn't feel much like touching him that night, so I grabbed sweatpants, changing out of my skirt and pulling an oversized tee on, and I curled up on the couch. I almost missed the flecks of blood on the arm of the couch. Had I turned the light off, I wouldn't have noticed. As it was, I had left the lights on in case David woke up and I needed to scramble. He spent more time in the apartment than I did. I wouldn't chance that he knew the place better in the dark than I did.

I stared at the dark blood staining the couch from the previous night. Sitting up, I looked down at the blue couch, searching the cushions. Darker blood, older blood flecked on the pillows. I tore the pillows off and flipped them over. There was more blood on the bottoms of the pillows, where the pillow had been flipped after David took a knife to my inner thigh. Gingerly, I touched the scar on my leg through the sweatpants.

"When did you get in?" a voice behind me slurred causing me to jump.

Hand over my thudding heart, I sucked in air. "David, I thought you were asleep. I'm sorry."

He shook his head and slid along the wall over to me, taking my hand and pulling me into him. "You should have called when you were going to be more than a little late. Your voice mail said you'd be home by seven."

I didn't feel like arguing. "I'm sorry," I said, not sure if I believed that. "Forgive me?"

"Maybe." He kissed my neck, his hand sliding over my waist and down my stomach. His fingers pushed the elastic waistband of the sweatpants aside and shoved his fingers inside me. I gasped. I was completely dry, and two of his fingers stretching my unwilling muscles hurt. "David, stop."

He bit my collar bone too hard to be sexual. "David," I cried, "Please, stop. I just want to go to bed." I blinked back tears that sprung up in my eyes. I would not cry for him any more. I wouldn't. But, even as the mantra in my head, I knew it was useless. He could make me cry. I feared he always would be able to do just that. He withdrew his fingers and pulled my shirt over my head. I took a step back, curling my arms around my bare chest. "David."

I backed up until I hit the wall, him following me. "Show me you're sorry, Casey." I shook my head. I hadn't had sex since he raped me in the shower. Hands shot out and pressed my shoulders into the wall. I cried out in shock, and he bit my neck, sliding lower to bite my breasts. I groaned in pain. They were already beginning to swell, to hurt as my hormones ran rampant in my body. He bit harder. I had to bite my lip to stop from bursting into tears.

I pushed his head away from me, but that didn't stop him from hooking his fingers around my pants and yanking them down. I should have fought him. I wanted to hit him, to kick him, but I was frozen. Knowing how he would respond, how there would be more blood on the couch, a danger to me if I refused him. He pushed my thighs apart and licked me hard. "You need some extra help to get wet tonight, baby," he growled into my leg. I hadn't been able to get sexually aroused since that night six weeks ago.

He bit at me and licked me, alternating between hard and gentle until I started to cry. I cried because I could feel my body beginning to respond, to open up to him. "I hate you," I whispered, "I hate you so much."

I felt him more than heard him growl against me. "That's it, baby," he murmured, pushing his fingers in me again. I pulled away. I still wasn't willing. Just because he knew what made me physiologically react from previous consensual encounters did not make me want this. He pushed his arm hard across my stomach, blowing the air out of me. The pain negated my body's betrayal. My mind curled inside itself, taking my nerves and autonomic control with it, freezing me.

Standing, he grabbed my shoulders and flipped me around, pinning me against the wall with his body. I could feel him behind me, erect at my lower back. "Please, David, please don't." He didn't seem to hear me, and I gasped when he entered me, the tears falling again despite my best efforts to bite them back. My stomach turned, acid burning up my throat. I was going to throw up. I pushed up off the wall, clawing at the drywall. "Stop, David. Stop, or I'll tell my detectives." He did stop, pulling me by the hair into the living room, forcing me to my knees in front of the television.

"You know how much I like when you struggle, Casey. It makes you so much more attractive. You follow through on that threat, though, and I'll send your detectives something they'll never forget. Wanna watch?" He stepped away for a moment, and I set my hand against the back of my head. I thought about standing, but there was no way I'd get very far. He was still less than five feet from me. I squeezed my eyes shut as he settled behind me. I knew what DVD he had put in. He had made it a DVD, a fucking pornography. He wrapped his hand in my hair again. "Watch, slut," he barked, taking my fist and prying my fingers apart, running my fingers over his penis.

My eyes opened and I cried out, withdrawing my hand into my chest. I cried. I cried to have his body pressed against my back. I cried for his hand in my hair, yanking steadily. I cried at the image on the screen of three men standing around me, my hands tied behind my back as they pawed at my breasts and neck with their disgusting hands. I cried because I could remember their lips and tongues pressing against places only a lover should touch. I cried remembering the feel of them when they were done, leaking between my legs. I cried because I could feel David's erection at my back again. He was getting off on what he was seeing and doing. I cried as his hand slipped over my breasts and down my stomach. I cried as his fingers worked their way to my tightly closed thighs. He yanked on my head and pulled one leg over with such sudden force, I cried out in pain. I was whimpering nearly constantly at that point. I cried as he used what had once been consensual against me, his lips sucking at the spot just behind my ear as his fingers danced between my legs.

"No," I mumbled, "Stop, David. Stop touching me. I don't want this."

"You could have fooled me, Casey. You're a fucking slut, and you know it." His fingers pressed in a familiar rhythm and I squirmed, fresh tears spilling out with a moan that was more automatic than I cared to admit. I sobbed when that was echoed by the moans of the men in the film as they played their unknowing role in my rape. I cried as I felt the moisture trickling over his fingers and the smile on my neck as he continued his unwanted attention. "You keep saying I raped you, Casey, but this-" He withdrew his fingers and rubbed them against my lips. I gagged, swallowing back the vomit- "tells me that you want it."

"No," I mumbled. I tried to pull away, but he yanked me back by my hair. I whimpered. He pushed me down on the floor, my cheek against the rough carpet. He rolled me over, his weight keeping me pinned, lips forced over mine. I pressed at him with my hands, pulled my legs together under him and wiggled, thrashing my head from side to side as I slapped at him. I think I was yelling "Get off" but I don't remember clearly enough to be sure.

He grabbed my shoulders and slammed me down on to the ground so that my head rocked and I saw stars. It took the fight out of me. And, I just lay there beneath him, too stunned to continue to fight, too horrified at my own body to think I deserved anything less. "That's it. You're my whore, Casey. Never forget it. I can do with you what I want, when I want. And, unless you want the entire NYPD to know what a whore you are, you'll do what I tell you."

Shaking, I nodded. I couldn't take another fight. Using a knee, he pushed my legs apart. I stopped feeling him, willing myself to pass out, focusing on the throb in my head instead of the feeling of him between my legs. I let my head drop to the side and watched the legs of the coffee table until he stopped and stood up.

He stepped away from me. "I need a shower," I muttered, "I have court in the morning." He frowned at me but I scrambled up and went to the bathroom before he could say anything. I locked the bathroom door behind me and turned the shower as hot as I could stand it before getting in and letting the heat cascade over my body.

The water ran cold before I stepped out of the shower. David had already fallen back asleep on the bed, the corner turned down for me. Pressing my lips together, I dressed in a clean pair of pajama pants and shirt, barely paying attention to what I was putting on as my eyes were glued to David's sleeping form in case he woke up again. Usually, after sex, he slept the rest of the night. I couldn't imagine rape would be any different.

The lump rose in my throat again. I tore out of the bedroom, barely making the sink before I vomited. There was absolutely no lying any more. He raped me. He beat me. He threatened my life. Maybe I should talk to Sergeant Harvey. But, God, what would the new unit think of me if I showed up the victim on their newest case? I shook my head as I cleaned up my mouth. I couldn't tell. I was on my own in this.


	5. Chapter 5

When I woke the next morning, I was sore and in pain, but I could smell eggs and pancakes. My favorite food in the wold has always been pancakes, and the scent alone made me feel better. I rolled over and yawned. "Good morning, baby," I heard from the kitchen. "I made breakfast."

Deciding not to start anything, I offered in my best happy voice, "It smells wonderful. Thank you."

David brought a tray into the living room with two plates of pancakes and eggs and two glasses of cranberry juice. As he set the tray on the coffee table by my feet, he leaned in and kissed me. It was everything I could do to not pull away. "Someone woke up in a good mood," he purred into my mouth. I'm a better actress than I thought. Maybe that was why no one at work knew about the abuse, either.

He sat down beside me and pulled me into his lap. "You're my girl, you know that, Casey? You're my girl, and I don't know what I would do without you." He nuzzled his face into my neck, and I fought my gag reflex.

I wished I were still naïve enough to believe that. "If you really want me to stay, David, you have to be nicer to me. I'm pregnant now. You can't be so rough." I was chancing anger. Last night, I had agreed for the price of not being too badly injured to do what he wanted, when he wanted. I imagined there would still be small fights here and there, but I felt different. I suspected he had broken me a long time ago, but last night absolutely stripped me of any remaining dignity. I nipped his jaw and licked his lower lip to keep the tension in the room low. I saw a brief glint of anger flash through his eyes, but as I kissed him, it vanished. Using sex to keep tension low was a hit or miss technique.

This time, it worked. He bent over me and kissed me deeply. I fought to not throw up. "I know. Promise me you'll start calling me if you're going to be so late so I don't have to worry so much." He always managed to make me at fault, even when it wasn't my fault. I'd noticed him doing it for a while, but I played along. I even believed it from time to time which scared me most. The image of a gun pointed in my face was just too strong a memory.

I kissed him and quickly ate my breakfast. I was not hungry and I was going to be late, but he would be insulted if I didn't eat breakfast, especially after he made my favorite. My body could not take a back to back beating like last night. Walking normally hurt, but I couldn't afford to limp. For the first time since the last snowfall, I took the subway in to work, unable to find a comfortable position on the train. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Instead, I fought to get angry, to hide my fear in the blanket of hate, and I managed to hate David. I hated him, and I hated myself for not being brave enough to get away. By the time my cell phone rang, Detective John Munch informing me that I needed to get down to the squad room for a case pow wow, I was completely wrapped in my anger. It was like a shield.

I walked to the precinct from where the subway let off, forcing my body to become accustomed to walking normally before walking through the critical eye of four detectives who either plain didn't like me or didn't trust me or a combination therein. As I walked in, I steeled myself against their unhappy gazes. I had overstepped my boundaries already on this case, but I really didn't feel like playing nice.

I was barely paying attention to anyone when I caught John speaking, my brain telling me I needed to pay attention. "He's not the father," Munch said.

Blinking, I processed that. Okay, so he killed a woman who wasn't carrying his baby? "So, what's the good news?" I asked.

"We cleared an old case."

I wanted to put my head in my hands. Turns out, his DNA matched a cold case sexual assault of another girl. At least we could prosecute him for that, I figured. Statute does not expire in that case until all parties are good and dead, and only then because it would be messy to put a corpse in prison. And due process doesn't really work on a dead guy.

I got through most of the back and forth that followed before fleeing back to my office where, safe behind my locked office door, I silently cried. I wanted to scream and yell and kick my feet. I wanted to sit on the floor and throw a tantrum. I didn't. I fought for control over my urges, and I won. Thank God, because if I hadn't, I probably would have been out of a job.

Somehow, I managed to stay numb after that. It was easier than feeling had been which surprised me. Even when David called, I didn't feel anything. Maybe I was finally shutting down. Maybe, if I shut down, I would survive.

At least, that was the pretty theory. There was no evidence to back that up. In fact, the opposite was true. Sociopaths made death row and had even been executed in shows of electrical and chemical appeal. Being without emotion did not deter death. Nothing deterred death. But, I didn't care. I didn't care as I began to stuff myself away. I now hunted that which shared my bed whether or not I was wholly willing. I was no better a monster than they. I, who kept David free from jail to abuse other women after me, to abuse my unborn child, was no better a human than David. I couldn't do this job. I knew then that I would never deserve to fight the good fight. Seeking justice for even my first case seemed ironic. What justice could I find to redeem myself?

No, I had to go back to white collar for so many reasons. One case, I told myself. One case and I would either transfer back or quit. Surely, some other legal field would have some place for a hypocrite like me. There was always the realm of private defense. I had little against public defenders. Private ones were hypocrites, though. I could do private defense.

..

Quietly, I lay on the floor of my office almost a week after pulling the little girl out of the cooler. Her weight was like a distant memory in my arms, and I fought to forget it, to close it off. Branch had refused my resignation as well. He had seemed pretty sure that I would want this job in the future, but two open and close cases and a plea deal later, and I didn't want the job any more than I had a week prior. He must have been psychic or something because I just didn't see it. The detectives had more or less left me alone except when I got underfoot. I wanted to ignore them all as well. I had earned their respect, at least temporarily, in finding that girl. My father had been a fisherman for sport, but it meant he had taught me about the sport as well, and it had made sense to me, putting two and two together down at the dock.

I was frightened of Elliot. He had dunked the man to get the information. I knew why he had done it, and as of right now, I didn't much feel like asking him to change tactics. The man had deserved more than a good dunking. Still, that he could so easily do that to someone else made me wonder. And, maybe that was why I was still having so much trouble getting along with the detectives. Maybe it was just me.

I pressed my hands over the flat of my stomach. I had gone in to the clinic earlier in the day. My mother, I knew, would disown me if she knew. She would tell me something like, "Casey, dear, it's a sign from God that abortions are wrong. You shouldn't have been having sex before you got married."

And, my response would have been silence because I could not, would not tell her this was a child of rape. She could hate my morals all she wanted, but what would she think if I told her a monster had put this here, whether or not through his DNA? Would she hate me more for protecting such a monster? Or, would it be because I was being selfish, killing a helpless child because it might look like a monster? Briefly, I wondered who would be the bigger monster in her eyes. I was not so certain that she would pick him.

I hadn't told either of my parents I had gotten pregnant or that I was even having premarital sex. If someone were to ask my mother, she would swear up and down on the Good Book that I was still a virgin. I hadn't been since high school. She would die if she knew I lost my virginity to a girl wearing a strap on. I am not gay, but my choice in men sometimes makes me wish I were.

Still, I hadn't told them because I hadn't expected to still be pregnant after today. Of course, there is the matter about the best laid plans. My iron count was dangerously low. In fact, the woman at the clinic had suggested I go to my PCP and get a full blood panel done. That I was still walking around with such a low iron count was nothing shy of amazing, apparently, because they had drawn blood three times to check the levels. I'd asked about the pill. They had denied it for the same reason. Forcing a miscarriage costs a lot of blood, especially if something goes wrong. I was too high a risk, they said.

My fingers traced my pelvic bone. Even now, I was starting to feel discomfort in my pelvic region. I had grown accustomed to the breast tenderness and the constant wave of nausea. The bathroom was my mistress any more, and when I asked the nurse at the clinic if that was concerning, she had told me not likely. I'd been stupid after I left the clinic. I called my PCP and let her know about my iron count. She demanded that I come in that afternoon. I had. They had drawn more blood at my protest – if my iron count was low, why make it lower?

I was iron deficient and anemic. I had narrowly escaped incarceration at the hospital by promising to be monitored at my doctor's office. Not all of the symptoms I had been attributing to pregnancy were from pregnancy. I should have gone to the doctor sooner. I would have had I not been pregnant, but that's neither here nor there. My doctor told me if I didn't take care of the problem soon, I'd lose the baby. This from the same woman who had given me the clinic referral. Of course, I had asked for an ultrasound right before she mentioned the whole losing the baby thing. Maybe she thought I was rethinking things.

Fuck. Maybe I was.

She had let me do the ultrasound. I was lucky. My PCP had been an OB/GYN before going into general practice. A lot of her patients who were mothers to be used her as the OB/GYN as well. It meant I didn't have to go anywhere or have anyone new touch me. Right now, touch just sucked. The heartbeat came through the monitor and I clasped my hand over hers, holding the movement steady on my stomach for a few seconds before pushing it away. "What else am I going to see or hear?" I asked, not sure if I could stomach it having a heartbeat. No wonder my mother said abortion was murder. Soul or not, if it had a heartbeat, wasn't it alive?

I am not a philosopher with good reason.

"Depending on which way the embryo is facing, you may be able to distinguish a humanoid shape, but most people think the resemblance is more to a peanut or very small avocado."

Swallowing, I moved my hand. Was it fair to kill it if I didn't see it? That was like going into a room with a blind fold and opening fire. I would still be responsible. "Okay," I said, and the heartbeat wooshed back into my ears, stealing my breath. It sounded strange, like it was echoing against itself. I almost asked about it, but since I was getting an abortion, I decided it didn't matter.

And, just like that, I was stupid. "Look," the doctor said. I rolled my head to one side and stared at the machine. I stared and stared as she pointed out the body parts that were visible on the creature. "How are you doing, Casey?"

"That's in me?" I asked as though I didn't quite believe the image was real. At least, I didn't believe it was inside me.

She nodded with a sound of agreement. She pointed to the screen. "This is the baby's fluid sac," she said, "Normally, we only see one fetus per sac. Even in twins, there should be a membrane separating the two embryos. I can't quite tell at this stage, or in this position, but you see this right here?" She pointed to a small blob just south of where the first had been. "That looks like another embryo. It's smaller than the other, though, so it could be a shadow on the machine, but I don't think so. We can certainly keep an eye on it. Especially with out a membrane between the two. It looks like the other one may already be leeching what little nutrients you actually take in from the other." A sort of survival of the fittest. Nope, no God.

I must have paled noticeably because in a rush, she added, "Of course, you're not very far along. We might see a membrane when they get bigger. It's more difficult to see when they're so small." That wasn't why I paled.

And, that did it. I rolled onto my side and threw up in the trash can. I was stupid.

It left me laying on the floor of my office at four fifteen. I agreed with the doctor. While I could see why someone might mistake the ink blob for human, it looked more like an avocado floating just above a peanut in a black hole. I even had a print out to prove it. I turned the image over in my hands as I stared up at it. That, those, would eventually become humans if I didn't boost my iron and go back to the clinic. But, staring at them, I realized I didn't know if the clinic was an option any more. They were a them which meant it was just going to be harder. If the abuse didn't cause me to miscarry them, then it might have been time to start looking into adoption.

Carefully, I twisted the image in my hands. I was a fucking moron, an absolute fucking moron. Part of me wanted to cry, but most of me was done with the tears. I needed to grow up and be brave. I would be a fool to think abortion was still on the table even if I got my iron levels up which meant I was going to be playing with more than just my own life and no matter how much I wondered about the fates of children so ill conceived, I knew too well the fates of children born into domestic violence. My family had been unaffected. The same did not account for the girl I had grown up just down the street from and called my best friend all through childhood. She had begun running away at eight. From then on, the police were constantly bringing her back to her house after she had run off. Her father murdered her mother when she was twelve. I lost track of her in the foster system shortly thereafter. I had heard through the grape vine she had overdosed on heroin several years ago.

My hands twitched to remember her. I wouldn't keep these children, but I was not opposed to motherhood and there was no way I wanted David in my life then.

Of course, that left the problem of getting rid of him. And, that was going to be a problem. Resigned, I sighed, laying the picture over my stomach so that it was a feeble attempt at matching where the embryos really were. The image was smaller than reality, but it gave me a different kind of perspective. Inside me, an avocado and a peanut floated in a kind of Precambrian goop awaiting the opportunity to grow and to become real human beings. How could an avocado and a peanut be evil?


	6. Chapter 6

**-A/N: Thanks guys and gals for all of the fantastic reviews. They mean a lot. The losing her virginity to a girl was my sense of humor poking through. I thought it would be exceptional to have her deny that any high school experience did not account for her sexuality. She was, after all, raised very sheltered. She'll grow out of it, too. And, I know Alex isn't being introduced right away, but she is in Witness Protection, even in this story. I do have to give them reason to get together. And... don't worry, I've already written that out, so you know it's close! Hang in there. I promise the wonderful and amazing Alexandra Cabot will make her appearance soon. :)**

A knock on the door startled me. I glanced at the clock to find that it was just after five. I had been laying on the floor for over an hour procrastinating work and pondering the meaning of my present situation. Guessing it was a coworker stopping by before leaving for the night, I called, "Come in."

I was standing as Detective Benson opened the door, shutting it quietly behind her. "Hey, Novak," she said, her voice utterly neutral. I wasn't yet sure exactly what that meant from the brunette cop, but I knew enough to know it generally was not good news.

"Detective," I said, my tone lilted just enough to imply the question of what she was doing standing in my office.

She shifted her weight which did not bother me. It was the fast, sudden movement of her arm that made me flinch. But, she only tucked back a lock of hair, curling it behind her ear in a fashion that seemed too feminine for her. I realized that I thought of her more like a butch. Not necessarily a lesbian, but a very masculine woman. Then again, a lot of cops were. "You okay, Novak?" she asked, her body falling still as if she feared I might bolt like a deer. I might, but that was besides the point.

"Just fine. What can I do for you?"

The weight shift the second time was repeated following the direct question as much as it had the implied. It made me wonder what she was nervous about. "Yea, well, the guys and I are all meeting for dinner and drinks at six. You in?"

For a moment, I thought about it. Olivia and I had been doing better, and that acted as a kind of buffer when I went out of my way to butt heads with the male detectives, but I was back to needing to go more than out of my way for David, at least until I got out. I half seriously wondered if I could get away with killing him. I wasn't one hundred percent sure, but I was sure enough that I could take it to trial and most likely be let out of custody by a sympathetic jury. All I needed was one woman who had been a victim at some point in their lives. One in three were the statistics, so I would probably be either found not guilty or have a hung jury enough that prosecution would not go for a second shot.

Carefully gauging her reaction, I nodded. "Okay, sure," I said. "Thanks for the invite."

Olivia smiled genuinely. Okay, I no longer thought I was walking into a trap of some kind. Nothing physical, but I wouldn't put it past these detectives to do something equally scarring. "Great, we're meeting at Jack's by the precinct."

I nodded. "Okay, thanks." I paused, frowning just slightly. "Hey, Olivia, why the invite?" Olivia gave me a look that said she was confused, but I wasn't stupid. "I get that I maybe earned respect finding that girl, but that was over a week ago. We've been butting heads since then."

The detective shrugged gracefully if such a thing were possible. "Casey, we're a team. We bicker like siblings, celebrate like frat brothers, and protect each other like parents. It took some getting used to for me when I first joined, and it will for you, too, but you'll get used to it. You'll find your niche." She smiled faintly and in a joking manner added, "Just not on my crime scene."

I smiled, but the feature faded as another curiosity intruded rather rudely into my thoughts. "Do you ever wonder if you're really cut out for sex crimes?"

Sensing a conversation or maybe she just had a lengthy answer, Olivia sat down in the chair on the visitor side of my desk. Suddenly aware of my ultrasound in my hands and my hands pressed against my stomach, I sat behind the desk to hide my body, tucking the photo in a drawer.

Olivia watched me as though studying me. I suspected if she ever needed to describe me to the police, she would not miss a detail. "Every day," she finally said. "When I think I can do this, that I'm cut out for it, that's when I know I'll need to retire. The stories we hear, Casey, should never not horrify us. We should lose sleep, at least a little, because if you can go home in the middle of a case and sleep soundly, there's something wrong with you. To do this job well, it has to make you wonder, eat at you, question humanity. When it doesn't means you might be walking the path of these monsters. And, you don't want that." She paused, regarding me carefully. "But, that's also why we rely on each other. We watch each other, we've got our brother's backs. And, that includes you."

I smiled, genuinely appreciative of her words but still feeling somewhat awkward. "How do you know if you're becoming such a monster?" I asked, hoping but doubting there was an easy answer.

She paused, staring at me with her dark brown eyes full of both hatred and compassion though now, neither emotion seemed directed at any particular object. It was just what her eyes held. "When you stop wondering how any human can do what you're doing, that's when you've crashed." It wasn't the answer I had been hoping for, but it was still a decent answer. Wasn't that how life always worked. I sighed. "What's with the philosophy, anyway?"

With a shrug, I glanced down at my knees. "I don't know. Just being here, in this world, with this unit has made me ask myself some very strange questions."

"Sounds about right," Olivia observed. "What else do you want to know?"

I bit my lower lip just slightly. "Have you ever met a woman impregnated by rape?"

She looked half surprised, half angry that I had asked, and a touch offended. "Yes," she answered, her voice slow as though she thought I was digging. I hadn't been, but I kept that reaction to myself.

"What happened to the children?" I asked, still not meeting her eyes. I knew I was acting suspicious, but I couldn't help it. I just could not meet her eyes, and I stared hard at my knees to avoid those chocolate orbs.

"Some, the mother raised. Some were adopted. Some were aborted. Why? Casey, did something happen to someone you know?" I couldn't see her eyes, but I could feel the weight of her stare as though I knew she was trying to figure me out. "You? Casey, were you raped?"

I shook my head in the negative. "No, just thinking strange thoughts, that's all." I tried to smile, but that was hard while staring at my white knees peeking from the dark black and blue of my skirt. I dressed like a television lawyer which was slightly demeaning, but it worked in trial. Juries expected it, and with so many female attorneys taking up the television lawyer appearance, we were winning over jurors expectations without evidence. Television had such a terrible impact on trial. I was distracting myself again. But, I needed it. I just needed it.

I looked up, together enough that I could offer a smile. She regarded me like she didn't believe me for several seconds before turning in her chair and glancing at the wall clock. "It's five thirty. Do you want company walking to the restaurant?"

"Thanks," I said, tossing my files into my briefcase. I opened the door, considering whether or not to take or leave the image. With a sigh, I opted to leave it. Block letters along the bottom of the picture read: PATIENT: CASEY ELIZABET NOVAK – DUE DATE: MARCH 27, 2006. If David found it before I told him, he would lose control. I hadn't even told him they medically could not give me an abortion.

The District Attorney's office stood five minutes walking distance from the precinct to the west. Jack Miller's Tavern was five minutes east of the precinct. I pulled my jacket close around me. Despite the early August temperature, I was unusually chilly and had forgone my usual fall coat for my emerald winter jacket. I shivered as we made our way over, Olivia casually talking about Jack's as I had never been.

Apparently, it was a steak house owned by a former NYPD officer who had been medically retired after being shot. Jack Miller had donated a large portion of his decoration to fallen NYPD officers and FDNY firefighters. The place leaned more friendly to the police force than the fire department according to the detective, but some persistent firefighters had made a niche for themselves at the bar. I say all of this according to Olivia Benson because we never made it to the tavern.

We were about half a block past the precinct when I reached out, automatically grabbing for the nearest thing to clutch to and stop her at the same time. My fingers closed around her leather jacket. My other hand pressed against my stomach, the pain creeping in before I could make a noise. Pain shot through me like a thousand sharp knives from my abdomen, and my legs buckled, forcing me to my knees.

Tears clung to my eyes, but I couldn't blink enough to unload them down my cheeks. The pain left me gasping for breath as it passed before coming back in a rushing wave. "It hurts," I squeezed through my teeth, feeling Olivia's hands on my shoulders. "Oh, God, it hurts." I tried to make myself as small as possible, succeeding in lessening the pain enough to suck in air but not stopping it.

Olivia tried to get me to look at her with her hands. "Casey, what hurts?" I moved my mouth but couldn't answer as a fresh wave of pain rode me. "What hurts?" I stared at her, panting. I knew my eyes had gone glassy and distant. "Casey!" I vaguely heard her yell my name, then something else, to someone behind me.

Then, another set of hands were on my back, and I looked up to see a young officer bending over me, leg against my back lick a small tree trunk. "Lay back, Ma'am. You're swaying. I don't want you to fall and hit your head." Part of me realized that Olivia's hands on my shoulders and his leg at my back were all that were keeping me from collapsing on the concrete.

I felt someone touch my hand and I looked over, meeting Olivia's eyes. "Help is coming, Casey," she told me. "Stay with me." The last thing I remember before passing out was her reaching out to grab my shoulders again and the smell of leather against my face.


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up on a bed that was not my own in a room too cold for comfort. Groaning, I looked around, my eyes flicking from corner to corner, white wall to white wall. I was becoming too accustomed to waking up in hospitals, particularly after David choked me out and panicked or the one time he had dislocated my shoulder. This time, though, I couldn't remember what David had done to put me in the emergency department or what I had done to provoke him. That wasn't a good sign. The place was silent, and it wasn't until I looked to my left and saw Olivia sitting in a chair at my bedside did I remember what had happened. "Hi," I whispered, more embarrassed than anything.

"Hey," she said in a tone that said she stayed at the hospital with all of her coworkers when they randomly passed out in the middle of the street. Somehow, this was just another day in the life of an SVU detective. The thought made me wonder. "How ya feeling?"

I thought about that for a second, truly assessing my nerves, my limbs, my mind. "Weak," I answered, going for honesty. "What happened?"

Olivia nodded at my answer. "You passed out in a fit of pain." I nodded. I knew that. If it were nothing else, I would be okay. My eyes traveled to the IV in my arm. Two bags were attached to the line. Reaching up felt like I was moving through a plasma, but I grabbed the smaller bag anyway. It was an IV drip of Meperidine that was dripping very slowly. The other bag was a saline bag on a faster drip. Demerol might have been keeping the pain at bay which I was okay with. I liked not being in pain. In fact, it was a rare feeling any more, and I was entirely okay with it.

"How long was I unconscious?" I asked, my vision amusingly fuzzy.

"About half an hour. We just got here about five minutes ago. The technician just drew your blood. Is anything going on?" I shook my head. She frowned. "Can I call anyone for you?"

I thought about asking her to call David. He would be nice to her on the phone and in person at the hospital, he would be very concerned, the ideal boyfriend. But, I didn't want her to know I had a boyfriend. I wanted my personal life shut out of my work life. "No. Thank you. Why did you come?"

"No one deserves to wake up in the hospital alone, Casey," she said.

"What did the guys say?"

"Get better." She looked so sincere that I couldn't help it. Captain Don Cragen of the Special Victims Unit had given me the lecture that morning about how this unit operated off teamwork, not constant bickering. I was accustomed to the bickering, but I had made it my promise to keep my mouth in check more often and leave the crime scene to the trained professionals. If this was a perk of a true team, then I was happy to play nice to the best of my personal ability.

Usually, when I woke in the hospital, even David wasn't there. I was usually alone, and I was usually afraid. I felt oddly safe now; maybe it was because I had someone with me that I knew and that I now knew would have my back if needed. Sighing, I lay back against the pillow behind my head, my eyes darting over to the door at the sound of a sharp knock.

"Miss Novak?" the man in purple scrubs asked. I nodded. "I'm Lee, I'm one of the nurses here. How are you feeling?"

I blinked slowly. "Nauseous, weak."

He nodded and removed his stethoscope from around his neck. "I'm going to listen to your breathing, okay?" I nodded. The drum pressed cool against my back and I shivered. "You're really cold. I'll grab you another blanket in a minute. Deep breath." I complied as he moved the drum over each portion of my back and then again at my chest. He shined a light in my eyes before pointing to the tip of the light. "Follow this with just your eyes." I did as he moved it up down, left, right, farther, closer, and everything in between. "Okay. Do you remember what happened?"

I shook my head. "Kind of. We were walking-" I looked at Olivia to clarify who 'we' was. "And, I felt this sharp pain in my abdomen, but it felt like it reached out to every part of my body. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't make it go away.

"Okay. Did anything make it better or worse?"

I thought about that, finger to my lips. "Curling up. After I fell, I curled up. It kind of helped, but not much. I don't think anything made it worse. I don't remember."

This seemed to satisfy the nurse. "I'll be back with the doctor in a few minutes." I nodded and he left the room, leaving me alone with Detective Benson again.

She was leaning back in the chair looking positively uncomfortable, and I couldn't help but laugh. Her head was tipped back, eyes closed, mouth slightly open. Were I not attached to the bed, I would have dropped something in her mouth, though it wasn't my laugh but the sound of me moving on the sheets that made her sit up. "Where are you going?"

I shook my head. "Nowhere, Olivia," I said, my eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Why do you think I'd be going anywhere?"

She shrugged. "It's what I would do."

"You can go home if you want," I said, my voice quiet and reserved. I didn't want her to leave because I wanted company that I knew, not medical staff. But, I didn't want her to be stuck here babysitting me when she would rather be anywhere else. "Or the bar. Whatever."

She shook her head. "The guys are on their way over. Fin said he was picking you up dinner, too. Hospital food sucks." She smiled at me as I stared at her in surprised. She seemed entertained by my shock. "Consider it our peace offering to you."

I flushed. "I swear to God, Olivia, I'll stay away from your crime scenes unless you invite me on."

"Thank you." She grinned as though she were up to something, but I had never seen Olivia up to anything which meant I really didn't know what that look meant. Still, I narrowed my eyes again, and she leaned back in the chair, ignoring my looks.

Our silence, a combination of comfortable and awkward, was interrupted by a man at the door in a white lab coat. "Miss Novak, I'm glad to see you're awake."

I smiled faintly. "Me, too," I quipped.

"I'm Doctor Evans. I'll be treating you while you're in the ER. Can you tell me what happened?"

I recapped what I remembered from the incident and he nodded. He glanced to Olivia. "And, you witnessed this?" She nodded. "Anything you can think of that was missed?" I blinked. Doctors were like cops in so many ways. Yet, cops were evil and doctors were good. I was confused. The medicine probably wasn't helping.

"No. She's pretty much got all of it. It didn't look like she was breathing when it happened, though." Olivia frowned as she looked at me. "I'm going to go get coffee, Case. I'll be right back." I was surprised. My eyes widened at the thought of being alone with a man, but I couldn't ask her to stay without revealing my fears. Besides, the man was a doctor.

Oh, Hell. David protected this country. A doctor had murdered his baby's mother and baby. Profession meant nothing.

I frowned as Olivia retreated, no doubt thinking to give me privacy in case I had anything medical going on I didn't want to share with her, but I didn't say anything to her. The doctor waited until the door closed. When he looked back at me, he said, his voice very soft, "Miss Novak, when you came in, the techs changed you into the hospital gown you're wearing. They cited bruising on your back, arms, legs, and chest." He paused. I watched him in silence. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I fell," I said.

"Do you feel safe at home?"

I looked down, nodding as I toyed with my hands. "I'm fine, Doc. I just need to get out of here soon, okay?" I looked up with pleading eyes.

He nodded. "As soon as you're clear, we'll discharge you. Do you have any medical history that would lead to you passing out and experiencing that kind of pain?" I shook my head. "Are you on your period?" I shook my head. He didn't ask the next obvious question which told me he knew. He was trying to find out if I knew. I didn't speak. I was going to make him ask. He did. "Are you pregnant?"

"Seven weeks," I whispered, my jaw tightening.

He looked at me like he knew he should apologize. I didn't blame him, but I hadn't sounded particularly thrilled when I had said it. "I'll have an ultrasound tech come in when we're done and we'll take a look at your baby."

"Ees," I said. He looked at me funny. I held up my index and middle fingers, close to my bedsheets. The nurse had never brought the second blanket. I was still cold.

"Twins." I nodded. "Okay. We'll take a look at them and make sure whatever happened isn't related to this." I nodded again. Was it wrong that I wanted there to be a problem? I wanted to have the responsibility lifted from my shoulders about the whole ordeal. If they were gone because my body rejected being pregnant, even if it was only because I was anemic, then I didn't have to make these decisions. Nature had made them for me. At least, that was what I was hoping. I was a ridiculous hypocrite. I wondered if _Rogers and Micheals _were hiring for junior partners in criminal defense.

He took me through the same song and dance the nurse did, but he also asked me to squeeze his fingers and lift my legs one at a time straight off the bed. He touched my feet to see if I could feel it and my hands to see if I could feel that. I could. "We're just waiting on your blood work, Casey. And, I'll be right back for that ultra sound."

"I'm anemic," I said. "I was at the doctor's today. My iron count is low, and I'm anemic."

He nodded. "That might cause what happened, too. Let's see what we figure out, shall we?" He offered me that friendly smile you give kids when they're scared of the monster under the bed.

I shrank away. "I'm cold."

When he returned, he had two blankets with him. Olivia still was not back from coffee which made me think the doctor had asked her to stay in the waiting room or she had left. There was no way walking to the nurse's station took that long. "Casey, this is Megan. She's an ultrasound technician. She's going to be helping me, okay?" I nodded. "I take it you've had one of these before?"

"This morning." I licked my lips.

He walked me through the ultrasound from the chilled gel he plopped on my stomach to what the machine was doing and why it was silent. It was silent because he had turned the volume down so I couldn't hear the fetal heart in case something was obviously wrong. He watched the screen. I watched the wall, holding Megan's hand like a vice. I was impressed and grateful that she didn't ask me to let go. It had to be hurting her.

"Casey, do you think you can look?" he asked.

I turned my head slowly to the screen. I saw the same black hole inside my body that had been there that morning, and a strangely shaped avocado floating in the center. My brow furrowed. "The peanut's missing," I said before I realized he had no idea what I meant. "Sorry. The other one looked like a peanut."

He unplugged a headphone I hadn't seen him wearing because I wasn't paying attention and turned up the sound so I could hear it. "You're right. There's only one heart beat." He watched me for my reaction. I was glued to the floating avocado.

"I want them both gone," I whispered, hating that I flip flopped so completely between the two extremes. I realized I was crying, and I couldn't identify why. It didn't feel like grief, but it didn't feel like relief, either.

Slowly, the doctor moved the wand closer to my pubic bone, frowning. "It looks like there's blood built up in your uterus, Casey. The sudden blood loss would account for you passing out, though I'm not sure about such severe pain. I'm guessing it's a combination of factors, though it wouldn't be entirely unreasonable that it's the partial miscarriage." I liked him. He spoke in facts. Facts, I understood. Emotions would cross the line.

"Can you just take the blood and the other one at the same time?"

"Now?" he asked. I nodded. "We could. It would put you here at least overnight for monitoring. Are you sure that's what you want?"

I stared at the wall. "I don't know."

"If you're only seven weeks, Casey, you can readdress the other one in a few days after you've had time to process all of this." I nodded. Okay. That sounded like a plan. That sounded like a plan because it was logical and organized, and I was anything but. "Do you want the detective back in here?"

I shook my head. "She doesn't know." I paused. "I don't really want her to."

"Okay."


	8. Chapter 8

The doctor didn't discharge me until the morning. I had made Olivia go home before they did anything else to me. I fully intended to do a lot of soul searching throughout the night. I had. I was more at peace than I had been in weeks which was scary because my life was unhinging. I had called SVU early in the morning and talked to Olivia who had agreed to pick me up from the hospital at ten when I was discharged.

I had a script for pain should I need it and instructions to get iron supplements and prenatal vitamins. The avocado was getting adopted, and whatever person or family that adopted it, I wanted them to have a healthy child. Maybe if it was raised away from me, it wouldn't become the product I was fearing it would be. That also meant I was going to be spending the next eight months with that as my primary concern. I would have to figure that out, but my head was in a better place. I felt like I could handle this now. What a difference a night makes in a safe place.

The nurses hadn't asked when I had banned David Williams from seeing me and asked that all persons visiting have their ID checked, not just their badge. The detectives had returned later that night to check on me and see if I was sleeping. I wasn't. I was making lists on paper the nurses had given me. I implied that they were lists regarding confidential white collar cases that I had been working and wanted to make sure the ADA in charge of those cases had all of the correct information, but I didn't let them see the lists. Elliot had tried. I didn't like him so close to me, and I was kind of proud of myself when I asked him to not lean over me.

To my joy, he listened and complied, giving me my space. I learned Munch was paranoid and had been married multiple times which made sense as to why he had distrusted me from the get go. He kept going on about how they were spiking hospital food. To make him happy, I ate the Chicken Alfredo that Fin brought me, challenging him to tell me how hospitals were ruining perfectly good food from a real kitchen. He had only given me a knowing smile, and I knew I had opened a door for the long run.

They had left around two that morning at my insistence that they get some sleep. I was happy to work on my 'case.' Olivia had stayed behind for a moment. "You seem different than when you were brought in," she said with a soft smile. "I mean that in a positive way." She shook her head and left before I could think of a response.

Space did wonders.

Olivia picked me up in a squad car and took me to the pharmacy down the street from my apartment so I could fill my prescription and pick up the OTCs that I had been advised to take. She didn't come in with me, giving me privacy. I would have sworn she knew something, or thought she knew something, but since I couldn't prove it, I didn't press it. It turned out that it was nice because I didn't have to explain the prenatals to anyone. I did buy a small pillow, though. My back had been aching since the procedure, and though they had told me that was normal, I had also been ordered on bed rest for a couple of days. It was Wednesday. I had taken work off until Tuesday of next week, pleading needing time to get back to sorts.

The plan was to have a new apartment by then, one David couldn't access so easily. The utter turn around in my attitude surprised me, especially at how quickly it had come about, but I think it was for the best. Having something to protect gave me a purpose, a fire. I was terrified of doing this, of going against him. I was so scared I wanted to be sick, but when I realized in that half sleep, half wake state that there was no way I was going to be a coward and let myself be beaten until I miscarried again because I was too self righteous to have an abortion and too chicken to stand up for someone other than myself, I had found enough drive to at least get me through the first day.

Stepping foot into my apartment after more than twenty four hours had passed since I had last left, though, would be my true test. I was positive I would crumble, but I would go in strong. What good is a tough shell without tough insides? In the car, I steeled myself very carefully against the rage I knew would be David. I prepared myself for the fight that would come, and Olivia didn't disturb me. Maybe it was the whole being a cop thing, but she seemed to know I needed silence.

"You okay?" Olivia asked as she pulled up outside of my complex. "I can always come up and tuck you in if you want." Her grin said she was joking. Her tone said she was serious. She was volunteering to check for boogeymen.

Hand on the door, I leaned back in. "I'm okay, thanks, Detective. I'll see you Tuesday. Marcus is going to be handling things this weekend. Tell the guys I'm sorry for ditching out so early in my career with SVU."

"Hey, we get it. Rest up."

Nodding, I shut the door and, plastic bag in hand, headed into the building. My apartment was locked which was either a very good sign or a very bad one. Sucking air in slowly, I slipped the key into the lock and turned the handle. Silence met my ears. Again, could be a sign either way. Looking around the living room, I immediately launched into, "David, I'm home. I'm so sorry I didn't call last night. I was taken to the hospit-" I stopped. The living room was empty.

So was the bedroom for that matter. And, I didn't mean just empty. It was empty. The coffee table was gone. The couch was gone. The bookshelves and all of the books. The kitchen table and chairs were gone. The bedroom had been cleaned out, even my clothes. And, suddenly, I knew it was very, very bad. I didn't know what was about to happen, but I knew it was bad. Yet, despite the emptiness of the apartment, I had the twisted sensation that I was not alone. My heart hammered in my throat, and I turned in the bedroom to look at the door. It felt like a scene from those horror movies, where the character knows the murderer is behind them and they do that slow head turn to see.

I turned so slowly, I didn't see the softball bat until it met my cheek. Instantly, my world went black.

I woke up in the dark, in a silence so dead that I could clearly hear my heart beat. It was rapid, like a running rabbit. I didn't know where I was in so many different ways. I tried to focus on the texture of what was underneath me. It was hard and rough, and I was certain something was under the small of my back. It was digging in to my spine, and even as I tried to move, I found I couldn't. Walls on either side of me prevented me from moving too far. My wrists were bound, my arms curled up at my chest. I tried to stretch my arms up and found that they hit a fifth barrier with a thud.

To my horror, I realized my nightmare had only gotten worse. I was in the trunk of a car. I felt my chest tighten as breathing became difficult. Panic set in, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I had episodes of claustrophobia in large crowds, closets, and bathrooms already. The trunk was even smaller than any of those places, and I stopped thinking. I twisted, wiggled, and tried to scream only to find that something had been tied around my mouth, the material rubbing against my lips as I squirmed. I tried to stop, to calm down, but I couldn't. Part of me knew that in order to get out, I needed to think, to use the logical part of my brain. Most of me was lost to animal instincts. There was fight, flight, freeze, and food. This wasn't food. This was one of the first three. And, right now, I was fighting to flee. I had to get out of the darkness, the closeness of the trunk. Surely, flailing would free me. I knew it wouldn't. The logical part of me knew it wouldn't. I wasn't thinking with that part of my brain.

I was suddenly thrown to my right, my head slamming into the wall that was the back of the rear seats. I groaned but stopped fighting. The trunk was suddenly swarmed in light, and I blinked rapidly, trying to understand what was happening. A hand closed around my shirt, lifting me up to an almost sitting position. "Shut the fuck up, Casey, or I'll kill you."

Blinking, I stared at David. His eyes were dilated and unfocused. A thin sheen of sweat glistened off his skin. He shook me so hard the gag spilled from my mouth and I felt as though I could breathe better. "Why?" I stammered, shrinking away, my back curling with my fear. Something was seriously wrong with him, and I didn't know what. More wrong than normal. "Why are you hurting me?"

"You tried to run, Casey. I told you last time that you could never run from me. You can't get away from me, Casey. I told you that." He shoved me back into the truck and I cried out, my back arching. Something metal stabbed into my back sending shooting pain down my legs. For a moment, I stopped feeling anything below that point; I cried out, afraid.

He grabbed my hair and shook my head violently. "Shut up, Casey. Shut the fuck up."

"I didn't try to run," I tried, quieting my voice. "I swear, David. I was in the hospital. I- the baby- I had a miscarriage." I tried to keep the sadness out of my voice and was shocked to find that I couldn't. I was sad. There was something seriously wrong with me. I was shaking as I watched him. His hand rose up, and I thought he was going to hit me. I flinched, but he didn't hit me. His fingers closed over the trunk of the car and the lid slammed down, leaving me in the darkness again.

The car lurched, and we were off again. I didn't know where we were going. It had not occurred to me to bother asking. Somehow, I didn't think it mattered. Somehow, I knew I was going to be dead at the end of this road trip. Would he really let me live?

My eyes darted around the darkness, seeking any kind of light. Flecks in the darkness spattered here and there, but I couldn't make out enough to know where in the trunk they were or if they lead to potential freedom. I hadn't heard other cars on the road when he had grabbed me, and since no one had pulled over, I could just speculate that no one had seen him half yank me out of the trunk. We were on a deserted road during the daylight. That much, I knew.

David hadn't put the gag back in my mouth, and I brought my hands closer to my mouth, gnawing at the duct tape around my wrists. It took effort, but the focus allowed me to push the building fear away. I had something to do. I could not be afraid. Not when David was going to kill me. He would kill me and leave me somewhere where no cars passed. My body wouldn't be found. No one would know. More than small spaces, my greatest fear was becoming a Jane Doe or a missing person presumed but never actually proved dead.

I heard the tape tear and froze. It was stupid to think that he would hear it, but I didn't want him to know. When the car didn't stop, I twisted my hands until the tape peeled away. I felt down my body until I could feel my feet. Rope tied my feet, and that was considerably easier to get out of, though awkward because I did not have much room.

Bracing as I felt the car stop, I held my breath. The next time that trunk lid opened, I intended to run like I had never run before. I had no idea how long I had been in the car or where we were, but I was going to run. I was going to run if I died doing so. But, I would not lie here helpless.

Moving the thing out from under my back, I almost rejoiced to find that it was the tire iron. Carefully, I held it against my chest. I had never used a weapon against David before. I had always froze. In truth, I was scared I would still freeze, but I was more scared of what would happen if I didn't try. Fate could not be so cruel. I had to believe that if there was a God, He would not be so cruel. And, if there was not, I should have been allowed better. I had not hurt anyone intentionally. Even unintentionally, I did not know that I had hurt anyone so badly. Then again, how many women who were killed by lovers ever really deserved it? No one deserved it. I thought. I didn't know. All I knew was that it was foolish to give up and roll over. I, Casey Elizabet Novak did not simply roll over and give up. My father raised me better than that.

I did not know how much time had passed while I waited. I did everything in my power to stay awake, even as time ticked and the trunk became cold. My body was stiff, aching where it had been bent for too long. We had stopped several times. After each stop, I tried counting to estimate how much time passed, but other than short stops which I associated with either lights or stop signs, I always lost count. The noise at the longer stops reminded me of a gas station, but in case I was wrong, I stayed silent. If no one was around to help me, I did not want to attract his attention.

The car stopped, the door opening and slamming closed. I held my breath wondering if this time he would open the trunk. I did not know if he would ever check on me to see if I was alive or if I had died in the back of the car already. If he was going to dump my body eventually, I did not see why he would bother checking on me. When I died wouldn't matter. Unless he wanted to torture me first which might explain the road trip.

Nothing happened. Footsteps away from the car told me he had walked away. My fingers grazed the roof of the trunk. As we had pulled away from the last long stop, it had occurred to me that while there was no trunk release – that had been the first thing I had sought out – there might be a release for the backseats to fold down. Frantic and unsure of how long David would be out of the car, I searched, my fingers tripping over the material as I silently prayed. I would do anything to get out of the trunk alive, to be able to run away.

My thumb hooked on some piece of fabric dangling from the roof. It was looped, and I felt a spark of hope spring through my gut. I pulled, and the seat loosened. My heart raced. I pushed against my own stiff muscles and hit at the seat. It moved barely before catching on something. My heart stopped. Something on the seat was stopping it from folding. "No," I whispered, "God, please, no."

Pulling my feet under me, I leaned against the seat, pushing my entire weight against it. "Please, God, please." My body did not want to cooperate. My legs tingled and ached. I could feel my feet spasm and realized only then that I had been laying for a good several hours in the same position. I saw through the crack a sliver of sky, and it was pitch. There was a glint of light from close by, and I wondered if we were in a parking lot of some kind. Maybe he had stopped for dinner. I could run while he was eating. I had to.

The feeling began to return to my legs, and I was able to kick at the seat. Whatever was on it fell off with a soft thud and the seat flipped forward. I suddenly realized what it meant to smell freedom. It had a scent. In this case, the scent was faintly of hamburger and cigarette smoke. David didn't smoke. I didn't think about it too much. Freedom was so close. I climbed out, my body twitching as I crawled. My left arm gave out and I fell on it, biting my lip to stop from crying out.

It was night, and I was right. We were in a parking lot. From through the window, I could see the sign for a motel. _The Santa Fe Inn._ I hoped it gave me a clue as to where I was, too. If I could get to a phone, I could call the police. If I could call the police, I could be protected. Fuck my pride. Fuck being weak in front of SVU. I pulled the door open to the car and stumbled out of the vehicle, falling flat on my stomach. I belly crawled under the car, willing my body to work. It wasn't, but I prayed. I tingled and twitched, my muscles outside of my control.

My eyes darted around the parking lot. As near as I could figure, the lot was void of human life, but that did not mean that he could not see the car from the window of his room. I was sure he would get a room that looked over the vehicle. After all, I was in the vehicle. It would make sense that he would want to keep an eye on me through the night in case I tried to escape.

Staying low, I belly crawled under the cars as far as I could. I ran out of cars about seven down. I could also feel my legs and arms again, feel the asphalt scraping beneath my skin. I was barefoot again wearing only my blouse and jeans. No, not my clothes, Olivia's blouse and jeans. She had brought them in the morning to the hospital so I had clean clothes to change in to. The socks and shoes she had brought were gone. My toes were cool but not cold, not like New York.

I crawled on all fours through the rest of the lot, ducking behind whatever I could as frequently as I could. I stayed out of the lights, away from anything he could see me in. I felt my pulse race as I neared the office. The window was dark, though. No one in the office at this time of night. "Fuck," I whispered, my fingers on the sill. Lightly, I rapped, hoping the attendant was merely asleep inside.

No one answered. I gulped. It was perhaps that he or she was attending one of the rooms and would be back, but I did not have the ability to risk that kind of time. I had no idea when David would come out and try to check on me. I wanted to be long gone before that.

Standing, I stumbled out to the road and found myself on the outskirts of what looked from the horizon to be a very large, spread out town. I ran in the direction of the lights, not daring to look back. Bile rose in my throat, but I was simply more excited to be free than I was to try and stop to throw up. I pounded the pavement with my bare feet, albeit much more slowly than I normally did. My foot still hurt from the week before when I had stepped on glass running from David.

I stumbled on the sidewalk, my hands flinging out to catch me. Panting, I scrambled to stand back up. Lights came from behind me, and I flipped over, my arm above my eyes to help me block the light. Whoever it was had their brights on, though, and my arm didn't help. The lights slowed as they approached me, and I scrambled backwards in a crab walk, shaking my head. "No. Please, no. David." I squeezed my eyes shut. He found me. He found out that I escaped, and I was going to die.


	9. Chapter 9

It was a sleek black Mazda that pulled up alongside me, the passenger window rolling down. I flipped, trying to stand and run. "Wait," a woman's voice rolled over me. I froze, my eyes wide. "Wait. You're hurt." The door opened, and I watched the silhouette of a woman step out. David couldn't, wouldn't. This was a stranger.

The woman crouched beside me, her fingers reaching out to my face. I jerked away, eyes wide. "Help me," I whispered. She nodded. "He's trying to kill me."

"Who?" The concern in her eyes was genuine, even as she turned back from the direction she had come as though trying to see if someone were following me.

I followed her gaze and was still staring when I felt her fingers on my face. I flinched, but her fingers followed me. They were gentle against the skin under my eye, and for the first time, I realized how much it hurt. It was where David had hit me with the bat. "Come on, get in the car. We'll go down to the police station."

I nodded, and she helped me stand up. My body shook and I stumbled, the woman catching me in her arms. "Whoa. Stay upright. Maybe the hospital first."

"No. The police." I put my hand on the car for balance while the woman opened the passenger side door. With the light to her side, I caught features of her face. She had a strong face, the kind that was stereotypical to persons in power. It was thin and soft, feminine despite its power. More than anything, the light caught her gray eyes and I was nearly transfixed. For a split second, I forgot about David. Something about this woman was incredibly striking.

With help, I sat in the car, my fingers clasping the seat belt and pulling it over me. "Thank you," I whispered.

A light smile played over her face. It wasn't a happy smile. It was the smile of a woman who had been in a similar place. I wondered briefly if someone had tried to kill her. "Better that you're safe," she said. "I'm Angie."

I hesitated to give her my real name, wondering if David would hunt me like an animal. "Casey," I finally said. "What city is this?"

"Santa Fe," she said with a warm smile. This one was genuine. I twisted in my seat and looked her profile over. Her long, blond hair was down around her shoulders. Glasses perched at the end of her nose. The strong features did not stop at her face, either. They continued down her neck and from what I could tell, her collar bone. She wore a white tank top that showed off how fit she was, lean and strong without being bulky. I didn't look beyond that. It didn't seem important. "Where are you from?"

"New York," I answered, my voice soft and distant.

I watched as her brows knit with thought. Not only was she a very beautiful woman, I realized she was very intelligent. "What brought you here?"

Biting my lip, I mulled over just how much information to give her. Then, I decided to just give it all in. She had, after all, rescued me from the side of the road. She deserved to know what she was up against. "My boyfriend hit me with a softball bat in my apartment in New York, stuffed me in the trunk of a car and drove down here." I tried to be casual about it, but saying it caused tears to spring up. "He said he was going to kill me because no one left him."

"So, it's a federal case," Angie said, her focus telling me that she was more talking to herself.

"You a cop?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No. Just, he took you across state lines. That's a federal offense."

"Oh," I said. She was dead on. "Fuck." I stared at her, wide eyed. "I can't go to the police. I can't."

"Why?" she asked, perplexed.

I shook my head. "Doesn't matter. Let me out. Please."

Panic rose in me when she didn't slow the vehicle down. She didn't exactly hold me against my will, but she didn't listen to me, either. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. "He works for the Department of Defense. He's a Marine Corps Officer, but his regular assignment in New York is on top secret protect. This is going to go away, all of it."

"The feds arrest their own, Casey. He'll just keep coming if you don't tell the police."

I laughed. It was dark. "They don't. They make shit disappear. No offense. Maybe it's different in Santa Fe, but in New York, the feds protect their own." I sighed.

The car slowed to a red light. "At least let me take you to the hospital."

"No."

She looked at me, one brow raised. "You're awfully stubborn, Casey." There was a hint of amusement in her voice. "Then, at least come to my house and get cleaned up. There's dried blood all over your face." I chewed my lip as I hesitated. As long as David hadn't seen her pick me up, she was safe. It was so ironic, but she was safe. And, me without my phone meant he couldn't call up one of his coworkers and put a DoD tracer on my cell phone's GPS. I nodded. "Thank you."

"I think I should be the one saying that," I mused. "You're so calm." I looked at her as I puzzled. "If you're not a cop, what are you?"

"A preschool teacher," she said with a smile. I shook my head. "A few of the parents are cops. I pick up stuff now and then during conferences."

"Oh," I said again.

"What about you?"

I laughed. "I'm bad at my job." Her brow furrowed again and she glanced over at me, pulling the car away at the green light. "You really wanna know?"

"Unless you're an assassin for hire. In which case, I don't want to know."

"I prosecute for the Manhattan District Attorney's Office, Special Victims Division."

She hit the brakes so hard, I had to stop myself from flying forward with my hands stretched out, arms buckling as I collided with the dash. "Whoa. I'm sorry. Did I say something?"

For a moment, she just stared at me, her eyes deer in the headlights wide. "You're Casey Novak." It was my turn to have my eyes go wide. My mouth dropped a little, too, I felt it. I expected 'what's that?' to follow such a revelation. Most people did not know what sex crimes were. I had not expected this stranger to know my name. The look of surprise on my face must have showed because she added, "I saw you on T.V. You prosecuted a man for kidnapping and murder."

"That aired here?" I asked wondering how far that press conference had run, though feeling better that she wasn't some kind of freak. At least, not yet. She nodded and looked forward again. "Jesus."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to slam on the breaks so hard. Are you okay?"

In truth, I was numb. I wasn't feeling anything, and I didn't care. Nodding, I leaned back in the seat. The remainder of the ride passed in one of the most comfortable silences I had ever felt. I watched her more than I watched the road even though I knew I ought to make sure David wasn't following us. There was something about her that screamed intellect, and that drew me to her with a need I hadn't realized I had. "Angie," I asked as she pulled into a neighborhood with matching houses. "Why did you stop?"

She glanced at me. "Because," she said with a small shrug, "you looked like you needed someone to." I flushed and looked at my hands. My gut told me to trust her. My head and my experience told me to run away even from her. That portion offered no reason. My gut kept saying, _but, she's done nothing wrong. _As she pulled into a driveway and parked the car, I decided to just listen to my gut. It had been right about David. Hopefully, it would be right about Angie.

Gingerly, I followed Angie into her house, pausing at the entrance. Everything was immaculate, a mixture of modern and antique with a clear understanding of taste. Nothing screamed expensive, but there seemed to be more to her than this preschool teacher business. There was no way that as a middle class American from a middle class family that she had gained the kind of taste that is stately, classical, and rich without being overstated or obnoxious. One or the other of those two did not apply to her situation. "You're home is beautiful," I mused, wowed by what I was looking at.

I watched her turn around, her car keys sliding from her fingers into a little white bowl on a stand by the door. "Thank you," she said with the grace to blush. I realized she fit her home perfectly. Her body shape seemed to become a part of the home. "It's still growing on me, but I like it." She lead me into the living room just off the side of the entry. "Have a seat. I'll get some water and a washcloth. Let's see how bad your face really is."

Not knowing what else to do, I sat down, my hands pressed beneath myself. I was afraid to touch anything, afraid to dirty it, both physically and in terms of the fact that I simply was unclean. I was broken. Nothing here was broken. I looked over my shoulder to watch Angie walk back into the living room, and something in her eyes made me take my last thought back. Maybe Angie was broken. Like me? I wondered.

She sat on the coffee table in front of me, bowl of water in her lap. "It's warm," she said, "but it might sting a little." I nodded, watching her as she wrung the cloth out, touching my face lightly. My eyes darted to her hand by my face. I expected her to hit me, in all honesty, and that scared me. It scared me that I had let things get so far with David that I was afraid of everyone, even a strange woman in a strange town who had been nothing but nice.

With her other hand, she gently touched my non-injured cheek, her fingers soft against my skin. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, opening myself up to an awareness of the scents in the house. The overwhelming scent was still subtle, but it was a mix of orange and licorice. I knew because vanilla and licorice were the scents of my childhood home. It was a safe scent, a genuine feeling. She wiped at my face with the cloth, removing her fingers only long enough to wring the fabric out before holding my face between her hands.

As she sat back, I kept my eyes closed. I could feel her regarding me with curiosity, and I opened my eyes to meet hers. Her gray eyes had flecks of amber in them that caught the light at all of the right angles. "People don't touch you gently, do they?"

I shook my head. "I don't usually let people touch me."

"The man who did this to you, Casey, deserves to rot in prison." I frowned. I didn't disagree necessarily, but I knew it wouldn't happen. Using the back of her fingers, she brushed my hair back behind my ears. "You deserve better."

I scoffed. That, I didn't agree with. "You don't know me."

"I know enough," she murmured, "to know that you deserve better than a man assaulting you and kidnapping you."

I smiled faintly. "Thanks." I yawned, covering my mouth instantly, eyes wide. She wouldn't hurt me for yawning. Normal people didn't hurt others for yawning. Only David took it personally.

"How are you getting back to New York?" I frowned. "I'm assuming you don't have an ID."

Shit. I didn't. I frowned harder. "I don't know," I said. "I have my credit card number memorized, so I'll figure something out."

Angie looked at her watch. "It's eleven at night. Why don't you at least crash here for the night?"

"That's a big offer," I observed. "I can't put you out like that. You've already done so much."

"Casey, I cleaned blood off your face. That's it. That's nothing much." I stared at my hands. Either she was playing coy or she really didn't know how much it meant that she hadn't freaked out or tried to force me to talk to the police. I didn't know if I really bought the 'just a teacher' stuff. She was more than that. I just didn't know what. I gave her a you-know-what-I'm-talking-about look but kept my mouth shut. "Seriously, Casey. You look like you could use the sleep."

At a loss for anywhere else to really go, I nodded. "Thank you."

She smiled with an edge of triumph. "No problem. Can I get you something to drink? Water? Milk? Juice? Vodka?"

"Water?" I asked, my eyes hopeful.

Nodding, she stood and disappeared back into the kitchen. When she came back, it was with two glasses of water. "I have a spare bedroom upstairs if you want. There's a lock on the door."

"Why did you say that?" I asked.

She shrugged, sitting on the couch beside me. "I would imagine you would want to lock him out of the room."

I twisted suddenly to stare at her, but the movement was so sudden that it aggravated some bruising and I gasped, groaning softly. Blinking long and slow to keep back the tears, I nodded. "Who hurt you?" I asked.

Holding out her hand for mine, she watched my face. I gave her my hand. She looked down long enough to turn my hand palm up before looking back into my eyes. Her finger traced my palm, and I felt myself begin to relax. "I was shot," she said, "a few months back by a man I knew."

"Did he go to prison?" I asked.

She shook her head. "He escaped."

"Angie, I'm so sorry. About all of it."

A dark smile played across her lips. "Don't be. The only thing I'm sorry about is that it forced me to move and leave my life behind." I nodded. I understood that fear. David had nearly chased me from the city. After this trip, I wasn't sure I would be able to go back, even if, for whatever reason, he was prosecuted and convicted.


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up the next morning to the sun streaming through the window and a warm bed. I rolled over, taking the comforter with me, hissing in pain. By now, I was accustomed to it and was able to keep my eyes closed and relax in the warmth. The weight in the bed told me I was alone, and I had called out of work for nearly a week, so I had no reason to get up just yet. I could apartment hunt later in the morning. I buried my face into the pillow, inhaling the soft scent of licorice and orange. Nearly screaming, I sat up, flying out of bed. Wrapped in the blankets, that put me on the floor with a hard thud.

Footsteps sounded outside of the room, as though someone were running up stairs. "Casey?" a woman's voice said as the pounding transferred to the bedroom door. "Casey, are you okay? I'm coming in." I heard something in the door lock and the door opened. It made sense that she had a key. I twisted and sat up, blinking, as the previous night came back with a rush. I stared at the woman who looked around the room as though she were accustomed to searching the room for intruders. She had been shot by someone she knew.

My head swam, and I felt groggy. Vaguely, I remembered taking a sleeping pill offered when two o'clock in the morning hit and I still couldn't sleep. Angie had stayed up with me, watching the fifties version of Dracula as I fought the vulnerability of sleep. One hand flew to my stomach, the other to my mouth as I swore I would vomit. I tugged at the blankets, freeing myself before fleeing out the bedroom door and down the hall to the bathroom where I proceeded to vomit into the toilet.

Nails and fingers stroked my hair back from my face, holding it out of the way as I lost everything I'd had the night before into the toilet. The bathroom remained my ever demanding mistress. Her hand rubbed my back in small circles as I cried through being ill. "It's okay, Casey." There was a frown in her voice, but when I looked at her, wiping my mouth on the offered toilet paper, I didn't see the frown that I had heard. "You alright?"

I nodded. Looking at her, really looking, I felt my stomach drop out. I must have paled or given her some sort of look that caused her to step back. "What?" she asked.

Shaking my head, I sighed. "Nothing. You look like someone I used to work with, a prosecutor."

"What happened to her?" Angie asked, brows knitting together.

I shook my head. "She was killed working a case."

"I'm sorry. Did you know her well?"

Again, I shook my head. "We worked two different units. I was in white collar at the time, so the kinds of violent crimes she worked were not ones that I crossed paths with often." She went still as she watched me through cool gray eyes. "I met her once and then her picture in the newspaper. You could be her twin." I sighed. "I'm sorry. That's stupid."

"No," she said. "It's not."

For several seconds, I looked up at her. "Shit," I whispered. She held out her hand, and I took it, still staring, and stood up. "Sorry. I- you just- I should probably stop going on about dead women."

"It's okay. Are you hungry?" I breathed a sigh of relief at the change in subject. My stomach was talking, and I was sure I wasn't the only one hungry. I hadn't eaten since the morning I was discharged, and, in truth, I knew that was at least a day ago if not more. I had no idea how long it would take to drive to Santa Fe. At least twenty four hours, I figured, less if David had sped, but I had no idea how long ago he had emptied my apartment and knocked me unconscious using a softball bat.

She laughed when my stomach chose that moment to answer. I groaned. "It's okay. How do you like biscuits and gravy?"

I smiled. "That sounds fantastic. Are you sure it's okay?"

"I wouldn't have offered if it was something I wasn't okay doing, Casey. I mean that." She looked at me, brow raised. "He didn't let you have much of a social life, did he?"

I shook my head. "Oh, Hell, Angie, I couldn't even hang out with my coworkers after a case." I sighed, following her back down the stairs to the kitchen. "I finally got up the courage to do so-" I stopped and stared at the counter, gripping it with my hands, my fingers turning white with pressure.

"What happened?" she softly pressed.

My hand went to my stomach. "I wound up in the hospital." I quickly added, "Not because of him. Well, not directly. I didn't call him from the hospital, and when I got home, he was waiting." I paused, lost in the dark metal designs inlaid in the granite counter top. I felt a hand on my arm offering quiet support. "I'm so stupid, Angie. I knew he was a monster, and I stayed. I had my own income. I didn't need him."

"Maybe not financially, Casey, but he did something to you that made you afraid to leave, afraid of losing something you had." Her thumb rubbed along the length of my arm softly.

I nodded. "I left him once, when the violence initially started. A month later, he broke into my apartment with a gun and told me he'd kill me if I ever left him again. He, he thought that when I was in the hospital, it was me trying to leave him. He wouldn't believe I hadn't." I was quiet for several minutes, her hand on my arm, thumb rubbing my skin softly. "I think he brought me out here to hide the body. He's careful like that, so careful."

No longer able to hold them back, I let the tears fall, my face contorting with emotional pain. I couldn't believe I had survived. I couldn't believe I had run. I couldn't believe that right now, I was safe. I was terrified of leaving Angie's house. If David wasn't running in fear that I had gone to the police, he would be looking for me. I was pretty sure he was confident I wouldn't go to the police which meant the latter was true.

I didn't feel her pull me away from the counter and into her body. She wrapped her arms around me slowly, as if she weren't sure if I would break for it and run. I wasn't sure, either, but I leaned into her. We were almost exactly the same height if not exactly. Her hand moved up my bag to the back of my head, and I let her hold me against her. Maybe it was because she was a stranger, maybe it was because I felt inherently safe. I didn't know, but I just let her hold me, mostly because I just needed to be held.

"I'm so sorry, Casey. I really am."

I pulled away. "It's not your fault. It's me. I was being stupid. I could have gone to the police, told them."

"It's not your fault," Angie murmured. "He chose what he did to you, and he's the one to blame."

My lips twitched. "You sure you're not a cop?" I asked.

"I'm sure," she said with a laugh. "Sit. I'll make you breakfast."

I shook my head. "I feel like I should be making you breakfast. Really, it's your house."

"Then, it's my rules."

She grinned victoriously as I sat down, compliant. "Anyone ever tell you that you'd make a great attorney?" I asked. She froze up again, her face falling. I wondered if I had over stepped my bounds. I had a tendency to that, apparently.

"I suppose," she said, her voice sad, as though it had been a dream that had been shot down. Maybe it had been. I felt like a moron. One would think that I had learned to control what came out of my mouth, but I had never really been one to censor myself. "Once upon a time ago, I wanted to be a prosecutor, but that didn't happen."

"What stopped you?" I asked. She looked away, out the window. "I'm sorry."

"No. It's okay. I never was sure that anything would come of it, so I gave it up as a dream when I went to college. My parents weren't exactly happy that I wanted to go into public law, anyway, but I didn't want to do anything private."

"Money?" I asked. "I mean, did they want you to earn more money?"

"Yea. More money or less hours. The hundred hour work week you must have is pretty heinous."

I smiled. "I think your parents and mine would get along great."

She laughed. "Yea, but you still followed your dreams."

"I guess." I shrugged. "And, I've got all this to show for it."

Angie padded over to me, wiping her hands on a dish cloth. I hadn't even realized that she had put the tray in the oven. I wanted to kick myself for not paying attention. My life relied on me paying attention, reading what people did and said and thought. Not only did my personal life rely on it, but my professional one. She set the cloth on the table and went to the fridge, pulling out a carton of orange juice. "Somehow, I don't think your dreams gave you this, Casey. This is an interruption."

She set the carton and glasses on the table. I stood, taking one of the glasses to the sink. I heard her stand up again and felt her behind me, her fingers wrapping around the glass. "You're pregnant, Casey. You need the vitamins."

I bit my lip. "How did you-"

"Morning sickness is a bitch," she said. "You weren't surprised to be throwing up, so I figured you knew it would happen." I let her take the glass back to the table, filling it with orange juice. I stood beside the chair, hugging myself. Maybe I processed violence better than I thought because this level of kindness was harder to predict than David's fists.

"Casey?"

I shook my head. "You're dead," I whispered, my brain refusing to process kindness. In so doing, though, it allowed the other pieces to slide into place, things I was refusing to acknowledge because they simply weren't possible. "You're not supposed to-"

"Casey," she interrupted, her voice soft, "I'm not dead. I'm very much alive."

I stared down at her. Alexandra Cabot was alive. My predecessor in the Special Victims Unit was very much alive and well in Santa Fe, New Mexico by the alias of Angie. "I survived being shot, Casey, but the feds thought he would try for my life again if Zapata knew I was still alive. They figured it would be easier to have me testify against him if I were alive."

Understanding, I nodded. It still felt like a pile of bricks had come down over me. "Do the detectives know?"

"Benson and Stabler," she said. "I had to let them know before I left. I couldn't stand the thought of everyone really thinking I was dead, especially not Olivia. She and I were close."

I nodded. "I heard."

She looked at me hard. "We were not-"

I held up my hand. "Don't worry. Whether you were or not, I'm not exactly one to judge." Blinking, I watched her shake her head, smile on her face. "So, you're alive. You're down here. You're teaching preschool. Jesus Christ, Cabot." I shook my head. "I knew you were more than a teacher."

Smiling, she laughed. "Yea, I asked if I could be an advocate or something, but they told me no. I have to stay away from law as much as possible."

"I didn't think anyone ever told the Great Cabot no."

Her head tipped back with her chair, she laughed so hard. "Usually, they don't. Hell, I managed to say goodbye to Olivia and Elliot. They were with me when I died."

I slid back into the chair, my hands wrapping around the glass. "God, you have no idea how many times I've stared at the cases you left open and wished I could ask you for advice."

"The detectives would give you advice."

Smiling, I nodded. "I was just beginning to learn that when this shit happened."

"You've got me here now."

I laughed. "Somehow, I think now is not the appropriate time."

"Are you kidding? You have no idea how much I've wished I could go back to the unit. I miss it. That was my life." She shrugged. "Now, I guess, it's not, but it was. And, I miss it."

I smirked. "If your life weren't at stake, I'd say you can have it."

"What don't you like?"

"The flash backs," I whispered, color rising to my cheeks. "The stories, what the victims experience. I don't mind homicide. It's the surviving that I can't deal with."

Her hand found mind around the glass. "What did he do to you, Casey?" I fell silent. She licked her lips. "You know why Branch picked you?" I shook my head. "A year ago, he asked me to pick out a small list of prosecutors I wanted to interview to bring on board to SVU. We needed another prosecutor bad."

"Where did I fall?" I asked, knowing she wouldn't have told me if I hadn't been on that list.

"You were my first pick based on your record. Hell, Casey, I didn't know you, but your record spoke for itself. You're a brilliant prosecutor, and Branch wouldn't have let me keep you on that list unless he thought you would survive in the unit."

"I don't know if he's the father," I whispered. "He put a gun to my head and made me let his friends tie me up and gang rape me." I stared at the orange juice in the glass. "He raped me after that, too. Again last night. Or, whatever night it was before he dragged me out here. I don't even know how much time has passed."

"You don't know how long you spent in the trunk of a car?" I shook my head. "Oh, Casey. I'm so sorry."

I shrugged. "No, it's okay. I mean, that's life, right?"

"That doesn't make it okay. That doesn't make anything he did okay." Her fingers peeled my hands off the glass, and she held them in her lap, scooting her chair over to me. "Casey, if you had another woman telling you your story, what would you tell her to do?"

"Talk to the police, let me help. Let me prosecute the son of a bitch."

She raised her brow at me. I shook my head. "I don't know where he is now. If he finds out I went to the police-"

"You're avoiding the issue."

I bit my lip. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Her fingers moved from my hands to my face, as she looked over the swelling of my face. My left eye was almost shut, and my entire left side of my face was sore and tender. I hissed as she touched the main bruise. "How is it feeling?"

"Not bad. I've had worse. I think it being on the face and knocking me out took me by surprise."

She put her chin in her hands and looked at me. "While you're here, you can stay here, Casey. I won't let him hurt you, but what about when you go to New York?"

"I won't stay here, Alex. I appreciate what you've done for me, but I need to figure out a way to get back home. I can always get a bus ticket."

Alex laughed. "Hell no, Novak. We can always put a plane ticket in Angie's name. I'll pick up the ticket from the counter with my ID. After that, who cares who actually is on the plane?"

"Won't WitSec freak out at you?"

"WPP, technically. It's a different unit than WitSec. They're sensitive about it. And, they'll freak out. I'll get the lecture about compromising my cover. They'll move me, and they'll tell me not to be stupid again. You may or may not get talked to. I make no promises."

"I'll get a bus ticket. No sense in you uprooting again." I smiled and flushed, staring down at my lap. "You know, it's kind of hard to hate you for leaving the unit."

To this, Alex snickered. "You hated me?" she said, her eyes wide with mock hurt. "But, everyone loves me." The right side of her lips tugged upwards. "No one hated, and no one said no to the Ice Princess. I can't believe in one day, you've done both."

"Unsuccessfully," I said, leaning back. I did not understand where my comfort was coming from. It was almost innate, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. For now, though, I would accept safety. I would be gone before the night was through, but for now, I enjoyed the company.

"Yes, very unsuccessfully."


	11. Chapter 11

**-A/N: Thank you to my regulars who review and read. I appreciate it. Your enthusiasm helps me to find my muse. :)**

I stared at Alex for a long time. Alive. Very much alive. She seemed aware I was staring, though I was hardly trying to be discreet as I watched her move through her kitchen pulling out sausage and ingredients for country gravy. I'm such a failure as a cook, I would not have known where to begin. Yet, Cabot moved around with such fluid ease as she made it look so easy. "I'm jealous," I finally said. "You make cooking look like calk walk."

She laughed. "I wasn't kidding, Casey. When I initially went for my undergrad, I had given up on law school. I refused anything but criminal prosecution and my parents threatened to not pay for school if I pursued that degree. So, I took a degree in culinary arts. It was enough to piss off my uncle into paying for law school." She paused, smiling distantly at the memory, a look of sheer peace crossing her face. "I was never good working at a restaurant. I butted heads with everyone, but until I died, I planned and prepared every family meal from simple to elegant."

Shaking my head, I went back to staring. I had narrowly escaped certain death, only to find myself sitting among the dead themselves. However, I did plan to tread lightly. I really couldn't risk her now. Glancing at the clock and finding it just gone eight in the morning, I looked at Alex. "What day is it?" I asked, deciding maybe it was time to put my time line back together.

"Friday," she told me before she froze mid-stir and stared back at me. Trying not to panic, I took a sip of juice, though I was shaking so hard that I nearly choked. "How long have you been gone from New York?"

"Since Wednesday morning," I muttered. "I was ordered bed rest until Sunday and I called off work until Tuesday. No one will miss me yet."

Alex frowned. "Why were you ordered on bed rest?"

"For the itty witty fruit shaped bitty," I said with a smile, pointing to my stomach when she offered a puzzled expression. "It looks like a cross between an avocado and a pear."

Setting the wooden spoon on the counter, Alex gave me a strange look. "We need to get you some essentials. Even if you take the bus, you'll need something." I puzzled at her. "Toothbrush, hair brush, that kind of thing."

My mouth opened in an 'oh' as I ran my fingers through my tangled hair. "Yea, I guess, but Alex, I doubt they're gonna let me punch my card number into the check out stand."

She looked at me like I had grown an extra head. "You can't use that number at all, Casey. Not if this man has ever had access to your wallet." Alex was right. I had thought of that before, but I felt less paranoid knowing that another person had drawn the same conclusion. Still, I gave her a look. "I'm buying it, Casey. And, before you start, you can't very well use my toothbrush or hair brush, so you will need your own. It's as much my sanity as your own."

I smiled. She looked so firm. Turning the stove off, she returned to the seat beside me. "I also recommend calling SVU. If you're sick enough that you went to the hospital, then the squad is going to check up on you. Better let them know that you're alright than risk that squad's worry."

"I don't think I'm on anyone's worry list."

Her brow went up. "Why were you in the hospital?"

"I passed out." I looked past Alex at the wall. "Olivia rode with me to the hospital. I was out cold." Alex just looked at me. "Fuck. They all came to visit me and Benson drove me home. I'll have to find a payphone or something."

Alex handed me a cell phone from her back pocket. "You've been gone two days, Casey. They know you disappeared. The number is blocked without a warrant." Essentially, the sooner I called the better. There were chances that I was already listed as missing in NCIC, the National Crime Information Center, a tool used to determine if the person was wanted or missing from other states.

Nodding, I dialed SVU by memory, putting the phone on speaker after Alex stared at me with such sadness in her eyes. I imagined she never got to hear their voices any more and truly did miss them. "Special Victims, Detective Benson speaking." Olivia sounded rushed and ruffled, and the sounds in the back of the squad room told me they had a high profile case causing a lot of attention.

"Olivia, it's Casey Novak."

I had been about to say more, but Olivia interrupted. "Casey? Hang on, let me get you on the portable." I heard a click. "Casey?" Without background noise, SVU seemed calmer. Olivia must have ducked into an interrogation room.

"I'm here," I said.

"Are you okay? Where are you?"

Puzzled, I asked, "What are you talking about? I'm fine."

"Casey, Munch and Fin went to your apartment yesterday. The place was empty and there was blood all over the bedroom floor and a softball bat. When we couldn't reach you-" She stopped. "Novak, what happened?"

"Nothing," I said, swallowing back my fears. "I'm okay. Just moving. I'll be in touch before Tuesday."

"Casey, you're lying. What happened? Did someone attack you? Are you safe?"

"I'm safe, Olivia, I swear. I'm staying with an old friend, just in the process of moving, no big deal. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Next time, I'll be sure to let you know." My tone was more biting than I intended it to be. She had a genuine reason to be concerned, and based on her behavior around me, I suspected that she thought someone was hurting me. Since she was right, I had no business acting the way I did. I just couldn't help it. And, that was a weak excuse. I sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Casey," Olivia said, her voice telling me something was wrong. "If you're not in danger, why did you call?"

"Saw this missed messages. I thought I would tell you not to worry." I was proud of myself for my quick thinking, but Olivia had stayed quiet too long. Something wasn't right. "Olivia?"

"Casey, where are you?" Her voice was quiet, slow. I heard something against the table drop. It clunked repeatedly as though she were thrumming her fingers, though whatever it was, the object was much heavier than that.

Fairly certain she was making the noise loud enough for me to hear it intentionally, I tried to decide whether or not to take the bait. Finally, I did, figuring I really had nothing to lose. If I ignored it, she would think I were guilty about something. If I asked, she would think I were guilty about something. "What are you playing with?" I asked, my blood running cold.

The thunk stopped. "Your cellphone."

I sank deeper into my chair as Alex shot me a knowing look. "I'm okay, Olivia, I promise."

"You're being vague, Casey. You weren't okay before this. Who hurt you? The man who raped you?" I couldn't help but wonder if everyone knew. Between Alex and Olivia, I felt like everyone must. Neither woman had anyway of knowing from another source, though I supposed I could explain Olivia's assumption based on my own actions. My hands shook so hard I had to set the phone down on the table or risk dropping it. "Casey?"

I stared at Alex, sheet white and cold. Without saying anything, she came to me from the other side of the kitchen and curled her body around me, resting her cheek on the top of my head. "Yes," I said into the phone, my voice barely audible, but if the detective didn't catch it, I wasn't going to repeat myself. It was hard enough saying it once to the detective. I was surprised that it had been easier telling Alex.

"Casey, who is David Williams?" I stayed quiet. "You banned him from knowing you were at the hospital. What would he have done if he visited you?" Silence. I did not want to think about what he might have done. Sure, he would have been pleasant when the nurses could see, but I wondered if he would have hurt me once they left the room. My speech had vacated my lips and left me sitting still as stone feeling both very vulnerable and very, very much like I had somehow failed my position as sex crimes prosecutor.

"Okay," she said. "Casey, I'm not going to tell anyone anything unless you tell me you want to file a report, but you swear you are somewhere safe from him and that you'll call me if you need me to pick you up or intervene."

I nodded. Alex whispered, "She can't hear that." Her lips were just centimeters from my ear so Olivia could not hear her, but they tickled my ears, making me smile softly.

"Yes, Olivia. I'm safe. If I'm not, I'll call you. I promise." I felt like a little kid swearing to my mother I would be good at the park if she would only just take me.

"Alright, Casey. I'll call off the manhunt, but I'll have the lab keep the evidence from your apartment in case you change your mind."

I didn't say anything. Somehow, even _thanks _seemed like an admission that something had happened. I didn't want to admit it any further to her. I didn't want her to speculate on the details or try and figure me out. It would make working with her so much more difficult. Maybe that was why I had been okay telling Alex. My life revolved around my work, part inherent to the public service job and part choice to stay out of the house. "Okay," I finally said. "Goodbye, Olivia."

"Feel better, Casey. Let me know how I can help." The line went dead and the phone toned out. I handed it back to Alex, crying. She kept herself wrapped around me, letting me cling to her arm.

I felt her let go when the timer went off on the oven, and she took the biscuits out to cool. The wave of scent washed over me, smelling incredible but making me want to be sick at the same time. Fleeing the kitchen, I barely made the bathroom before collapsing over the toilet, dry heaving. After that morning, I doubted I had anything in my stomach to bring up, but just in case, I stayed crouched low to the ground, trying to be as least messy and as least viral as possible.

I felt someone pull my hair from my face and heard the snap of the elastic band as it was tightened to hold it in my hair. "That is either some killer morning sickness, or you've caught a bug over all of this." She had knelt at my back, and I leaned against her, feeling the warm line of her body against me. Her fingers moved across my forehead and cheeks. "You're running a fever."

Emotionally drained from weeks of rapidly increasing violence and years of moderately increasing violence coupled with being physically down for at least a day, I wasn't surprised I was getting ill. I had been waiting for a few weeks for something to hit knowing it was inevitable. Besides, I was still anemic and low in iron. Things just seemed to compound.

My body stopped trying to force my internal organs through my mouth and I curled against Alexandra. She still had her body pressed up against mine as if she were a shield between me and the rest of the world. And, who knew, maybe she was. Either way, in silence, she seemed to know precisely what I needed.

Curious, I turned into her and asked, "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" she replied, head tilted to catch my eyes evenly. I believed she was genuinely confused. Then again, I'd had a penchant for being vague that morning.

I shook my head, flushing. "Read my mind." She continued to watch me without a clear understanding, so I elaborated. "You seem to know every time you should or shouldn't say something, should or shouldn't touch me, or should or shouldn't press. It's like you're reading my mind." Before I even knew what I wanted.

With a shrug, she blinked slowly, breaking eye contact and then maintaining it once again, and I stared into her gray eyes, following the twirls of amber as if they would lead me somewhere secret. "Maybe I just want to make sure you're safe and happy."

"I'm still a stranger," I whispered. "No matter who I am or who you are, how we're linked, you still don't know me."

"And, yet, I'm comfortable enough to have you staying with me, and I've even managed to convince you that I'm a safe enough person that you're okay curled in my lap, letting me hold you despite the fact that the last person you probably allowed to hold you like this became your abuser." I flushed because she was right.

Standing, I pulled away from her, and she let me go without protest, sliding out of my way as she stood so I could walk out of the bathroom. She followed me, catching my fingers as I reached back to her. "I'm sorry, Alex."

"You've done nothing wrong, Casey. You don't have to apologize."

"A nice thought, Cabot." I frowned.

I followed Alex through the store, my eyes dancing around. I kept swearing I saw David at the end of one isle, but by the time we would get to the end, I couldn't see who I thought I saw. I didn't tell Alex because I was sure I was seeing things out of fear, but she still noticed me jumping at every new sound. And, in a grocery store, there were plenty of new sounds. "Casey, do you think he knows where you are in the city to come here?"

I shook my head. "Shit, I don't know, Alex. He brought me to Santa Fe, not the other way around. I know nothing about this state or this city, and he may very well be intimate with it." I hung my head, confessing something that I was actually afraid to vocalize. "I don't know if he saw me get into your car. I thought he was in his room sleeping, but I don't really know."

She looked at me, stopping in the middle of the isle, her voice dropping low. "How did you get out of the trunk, Casey?" She hadn't asked about the details which I was grateful for, but in some ways, they may have been important to her safety.

"He turned the car off and I managed to get the seats folded down. It was at the _Santa Fe Inn. _I don't know if he saw me get out of the car or figured out that something was wrong before morning. I started running and didn't look back until I fell and saw your car's lights. I thought then that it was him, that he'd seen me."

I hugged myself, and Alex did not touch me, again seeming to know that I did not need to be touched. If she did right then, I might have taken off and vanished. Instead, she let me walk beside her as she continued to pick up a combination of food and supplies. She didn't complain at all or attempt to engage me until after I had unfolded my arms from around me. I was still looking at every shadow and every person as though it might be David. I had no idea if he was still in the city, had gone back to New York, or was somewhere else. I had no idea if he was still going to try and come after me. After all, this time, I had genuinely left him, and that carried with it the death sentence.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Your patience is amazing. Work is heinous. I have so much overtime that I'm pretty sure I've got my bills set for the next couple of months. So, the updates today are gonna be cute in part because I owe you something, in part because you're going to hate me when I post this weekend. Or Monday. I'm still working out the kinks in those chapters. I am hoping that despite OT, I will be able to feed you all at least once a day. Thanks! **

Alex Cabot is very persuasive.

She convinced me to stay again overnight, but that required a little bit of sharing. We were the same size, though her shirts erred more on the side of conservatism than mine usually did, and she was kind enough to offer me a pair of jeans that weren't tattered – I owed Olivia a new pair – and a tee shirt for the following day as well as pajamas for that night.

And, so it was that a pair of light and dark blue plaid pajama pants and a loose, blue shirt not my own later saw me sitting on the couch beside the former prosecutor, my knees drawn up to my chest as we watched a movie about child abuse on the Lifetime Movie Network. That said, I was huddled on the couch, holding myself and Alex was mostly paying attention to the laptop computer in her lap. I knew she was only two years older than me, but her apparent obsession with the computer and my could care less attitude made me feel like we were a generation apart on the matter, and in the opposite direction.

A particularly brutal scene where the child's father started by shaking the eight year old boy and progressively became more violent as the child cried made me start crying, my arms wrapped entirely around my body as I fought not to rock myself. It wasn't that I had ever been harmed as a child. In fact, my childhood had been ideal. It was the violence that brought back memories of David and made me cringe of what would have happened to Avocado if I chose to raise the baby. It was a reminder that I couldn't keep the baby, even if I had wanted to.

Abruptly, the television screen went blank. Alex set her computer on the coffee table and, as she leaned back, she leaned into me, pulling me against her. It took me a moment to unfold, but I gradually relaxed into her arms, inch by inch. She slid one arm around my waist and combed her fingers through my hair. For several long minutes, she was silent. I twisted around on the couch until I could press my face into her stomach, wrapping my arms around her hips.

"I don't want to die," I murmured.

She stroked my hair. "I don't want you to die," she said, her voice quiet, tone warm. "Who would replace you if both of us were dead?"

I looked up at her and offered a small grin. "I can't believe you just said that."

With a shrug, Alex traced her fingers along my jaw. Closing my eyes, I exhaled slowly. I could feel my warm breath on her stomach, and my skin suddenly felt like it was trying to crawl off my body. Not in the way that skin crawls when something bad is about to happen, but quite the opposite. It was like it was trying to crawl away and give me more skin to feel. Alex's fingers were soft and gentle, and my mouth opened automatically in an exhale.

Terror shot through my body and I shot up, propping myself on my hands, leveling myself to her eyes. They were a shade of much darker gray than they had previously been, the amber dark enough that it no longer reflected the light. My breathing deepened. Someone hadn't looked at me like that in ages. She didn't look like she wanted to conquer me. She looked like she wanted to drink me in, to allow me to consume every part of her. It was the most erotic thing I had seen in my life, and it was coming from a woman, one I had just really met at that. "Fuck, Cabot," I hissed, knowing my eyes had dilated. "I can't. I-"

She blinked rapidly several times, and the darkness dissipated somewhat. "Shit, Casey. I'm so sorry. I hadn't meant for that to happen."

"It's okay. I mean, I don't know what I mean. I haven't- I- This-" Fuck it. I leaned in to her and kissed her lips chastely, pulling away almost immediately. "Thank you."

"For what?" she asked, not pushing me physically, though I noticed the darkness had slid back into her eyes. No one had prepared me for my own internal conflict. She was incredibly nice, but I was too conflicted to know if my reaction was to her kindness, her, or just the fact that David had made me feel the need to pay others with sex, conditioned me that sex was a payment and an apology.

I closed my eyes and lay my head back in her lap. "I can still feel. I just can't right now."

She stroked my hair from my face, her fingers curling behind my ear and down my neck. "Casey, I get it. You don't have to explain. I'm sorry."

I took her hand from my shoulder and pressed her palm to my lips. "I've dated three people in my life, Alex. Only one was a girl, and that was in high school. The two men were abusive, and I thought the girl in high school was me rebelling against my parents' strict Catholic men are meant to be with women." I kissed the pad of her middle finger. She looked down at me with a gentle smile. I kissed her thumb.

Her eyes were darker again as she pulled her hand away. "Keep it up, Casey," she said, her voice laden with warning and lust. I could hear her heart even from where I was, and it pounded above my head. I smiled innocently up at her as though I had no idea what I was doing. "What did you think about being with a girl?" She genuinely sounded interested.

I shrugged. "I lost my virginity to her, so I guess it wasn't so bad." I smiled. "I just haven't been interested in women since. I haven't not been, either. I just figured it was a stage. I didn't have feelings either way." She tipped her head and ran her fingers over my jaw line again, all the way down my neck and over my collar bone. I froze, but not in fear. My breath came out in ragged hitches as my stomach flip flopped. "Alex," I whispered.

She offered a triumphant look as I took her hand from my arm. Her fingers went slack, giving me complete control. I laced my fingers in hers and brought her fingers back to my lips. "You sure you're not into women, Casey?" she asked me with a light laugh.

"No," I murmured, flushing a deep red. I released her hand and wrapped my arms around her waist again, curling my face into her stomach. Her hand rubbed up and down my back in small circles until I felt like I was near asleep. "Alex, stay with me."

"It's my house, Casey. I'm not going anywhere." I smiled and kissed her stomach. She pushed at my shoulder so that I rolled onto my back, looking up at her through sleepy eyes. "You are beautiful, you know that, Casey?"

I smiled softly. "You have no idea how long it's been since I've heard that."

"That's a shame because it's true."

I shook my head. "You must be delusional to think I'm beautiful with bruises, broken and violated." I frowned. "I'm not clean enough for anyone." I didn't say it, but the implied was _much less than someone as impeccable as you._

She laughed. "What happened to you doesn't subtract from what you are, Casey. Beautiful isn't just on the outside, as cheesy as that sounds." She picked up my hand and rubbed my palm as she has the night before. It was so soothing that I moaned. She kissed my palm, smiling into it as she did so. "You're clean and beautiful and unique and smart and wonderful."

"And, you've known me less than twenty four hours."

"Yet, you've decided I'm nice and trustworthy and safe." I frowned. She was right, and that was too complicated for me to process. "Technically, you kissed me."

I laughed, sitting up and scooting into her lap. She held me there, her fingers tracing circles on my hip. "I did," I said, holding her cheek in one hand for a moment before kissing her again, less chaste this time. I didn't open my mouth to her, but she opened hers to mine, nibbling at my lower lip until my lips parted and she licked along my lips, catching the spot that made me arch my back, and she caught my lower back with her hand, pulling me closer into her.

Automatically, I slid a leg around her hips so I straddled her as she sat there. "God, Cabot," I breathed when she pulled away to kiss the side of my lips to my cheek. It had been nearly two months since I had been sexually interested in anything, and only a few days since David had used my body's physiological reaction against me. I was conflicted. It went without saying. I buried my face into her neck, letting her wrap her arms around me and holding me close. I felt the tears build up and I fought to keep them from sliding from my eyes and giving me away. I did not want Cabot to see me cry, not particularly over a kiss.

She just held me, her face in my hair, stroking her nails down my spine. "I have never seen anyone react like that from a kiss." I flushed. "You're super sensitive, huh?" I nodded, resting my cheek against her chest as scooted down in her lap.

Standing, I held out my hand and pulled her up to a standing position. She came up and kissed me again, very lightly, her lips barely touching mine. I exhaled slowly, shaking. "Jesus, Cabot. Jesus fucking Christ." A smile lit her lips, and I followed her up the stairs, my hand in hers.

"Go to bed, Casey." She kissed the back of my neck at the base of my C-spine. I jumped away so quickly, I think I scared her. "What's wrong?"

I panted. "You pay a lot of attention to your lover's body, don't you?" She grinned with a nod. "Stay with me, tonight?"

"You sure?" she asked, concern crossing her face. It was one thing to tease. It was another thing to actually fuck. I didn't know if I could have sex, but I knew I didn't want to be alone in the bed tonight.

Nodding, I added, "I just want company tonight, someone warm and safe and beautiful who isn't going to hurt me."

She took my hair in her hand, lifting it away from my neck. She kissed my spine again. This time, I melted into her body line. "I'll protect you," she murmured, "Casey, I will never do anything you don't want."

I moaned. "I don't know what I want," I murmured. Her attention slid to the sides of my neck, but her hands didn't leave my shoulders. I could feel the tension thrumming through her body. To my surprise, it thrummed through mine as well, but I couldn't quite bring myself to let her go further.

"That's okay, Case. I don't think anyone does," she murmured, her lips centimeters from my ear. She pulled the bedroom door closed behind us and locked it without me having to ask her to before turning to the bed and pulling the sheets down.

Climbing in, I twisted to watch her, and she pulled the covers over us, her arms wrapping around me and pulling me close. "You smell like me," Alex whispered. I laughed softly, suddenly aware of how everything that was surrounding us smelled of licorice and citrus, and I felt safe.

"You smell good," I murmured. And, I fell asleep that night in Alex's embrace. For the first time in months, I slept soundly through the night without nightmares.

/\/\/\/\/\

I woke up curled at Alex's side, the blond on her back as she held me close to her. In sleep, my hand had come to rest on the skin of her stomach, wiggled beneath her shirt. I felt as though that should have been awkward. The only thing that kept me from jerking my hand away was the overall comfort of the situation. Not only did I not feel awkward, Cabot's hand covered mine, holding on to my fingers. My eyes followed the curve of her body up to her face, that face I had admired when I'd met her two days prior despite being terrified out of my mind. Now, against the soft glow of morning and without terror, I watched her sleep, her muscles slack and peaceful as her eyelids fluttered in her dream.

As I watched her, my chin propped up on her chest so that I, too, rose and fell with the tide of her breath, I considered my situation. Alex had been that raft in the ocean, the light in the dark, ready and willing to pull me to safety. She had opened her home and her story to me, letting me make my decisions and never once rubbing my bad choices in my face. I felt as though I owed her, though at the same time, I felt as though my repayment to her would be better spent to pass goodness on to another, to be the prosecutor she expected me to be. I also felt safe, as though even as strangers, Alex cared for me for the sake of me, and if I were honest, I felt a pull deep in me that wanted, almost inherently, to make her safe and happy. My mind wandered to Plato's Symposium, required college reading for my Ancient Religions class. I couldn't imagine why that came to mind. I hadn't consciously retained enough in class to recall. Still, I did not believe I was gay, though nothing explained the unbelievable urge to lean up and kiss Alex awake.

After high school, I had never so much as glanced at another girl. Even in high school, Sarah had been my one and only kiss with a girl. And, while she had taken my virginity, we still talked about cute boys in this or that class or how hot so and so actor was. We didn't discuss women or our female classmates. Hell, we didn't even discuss each other beyond satisfying some sixteen year old overly sexually sheltered curiosity. It was only in college that she told me about her mother molesting her in middle school and how she thought it had screwed her up sexually for life. She had made the admission drunk, and too scared to find out I had been a sexually screwed up mistake, I never brought it up with her again.

The other conflict that stumbled over me was the issue that Alexandra Cabot was dead. After I left, I would not see her again or talk to her again. That part of me that wanted, inexplicably, to make her happy rose up through me in a fit of rage and anguish. It seemed to scream through my mind, though without words of its own. _I am whole, _it screamed. _You cannot make me half again. _And, again, I thought of the Symposium wondering if I should have payed better attention, of halves and wholes, gay and straight, but I could not remember what the story was that my subconscious brain wanted me to understand. So far, it was nonsense, and it was with that which I made my decision.

Tipping my head, I laid a gentle kiss at her sternum, just above the mounds and slope of her chest. Her mouth opened, body arching up to me. Smiling, I was half tempted to do it again, knowing I had found something on her that made her innately react the way she had stopped my heart in a touch. The desire, however, was only temporary as I flashed back to David's fingers finding that place on my hips and the sensitive flesh of my neck behind my ear. Both were places that, even in my sleep, I would always react to, no matter how little I consented. Alex was sleeping. I could not, would not, manipulate her body like that.

I moved to pull away from her body, the warmth and comfort of her side, feeling too ashamed, dirty, and wrong about touching her in her sleep. Hell, I was still conflicted that she was a woman. I could hear my mother now. "I can't believe this, Casey. I thought I raised you better than this." And, I would hand my head and assure her she was the best mother I could ask for, that I was an adult, and in so doing, I was choosing my life, and she would lament me like I was either dead or had disgraced the family name. I would never be able to explain how the allure of Alex's multidimensional eyes and the gentle press of her finger tips made me feel good when I kissed her.

My father might have told me later, when my mother was not around, that God judges all equally and that he judges my mother's hatred as much as he judges my choice in kissing – and becoming aroused to – a woman. It was the closest my father would come to siding with me on the issue. He would tolerate it. I might have tried with him, too, to explain the impossible. I neither lusted for women nor did I not. I felt just as ambivalent about men as well. Alex was just so soft and comfortable that I couldn't help it. I doubted I would ever have the occasion to tell my parents or the need to mention anything related to my time spent in Santa Fe to them.

"What are you thinking about?" Alex asked from above me. I hadn't even noticed her breathing change or the fact that she had pulled me back against her.

Settling into the nook between her shoulder and her chest on the soft spot of her arm, I murmured, "My parents."

"You were looking pretty serious, Casey," she chided with a grin.

I half shrugged using my free shoulder to do so. Alex combed the hair from my face as I looked up at her from my perch. "Trying to picture the look on my mother's face if she ever found out that I kissed another woman."

A frown played on her features. "Casey, what do you mean?"

"She's crazy judgmental and more Catholic than a nun." Alex snickered at my description, and I had to fight not to laugh. That sounded awful, even to me, but there was a degree of respect to be owed to my mother. She had, after all, raised me. She was my mother. "Alex," I stared, then stopped; she was giving me a strange look.

"What about your dad?"

"I don't think he thinks God has the time to involve himself in such petty affairs. He tells me that faith in the little things is just wishful thinking. God will intervene if he needs to. Until then, people ought to leave well enough alone."

Alex smiled. "I think I like your dad better."

I laughed. "Me, too."

"So, you've never told your parents? Even about high school?" she asked, her thumb rubbing my shoulder.

I flushed hot, pink and adjusted to look down her body at the foot of the bed. "It's never been an applicable subject. Sarah and I didn't know what we were doing, but I didn't feel anything for her beyond friendship," I muttered, not sure how well she could hear me.

When her thumb stopped rubbing against my skin, I knew she had, and she'd understood. "How straight are you, Casey?" From her tone, the hint of fear flashing through her voice, I knew that wasn't the question she had initially thought of. What fear went through her mind was the same, I thought, that passed through mine when she had reacted to my lips in her sleep. How far was I going along because I had been conditioned about sex? And how far was I going along for fear of being hurt or left alone?

I must have been silent for too long because she sat up, sending me tumbling back to the bed. "I'm sorry, Casey. I-"

My hand closed on her wrist and pulled her back to the bed. Using my other hand, I pushed her back down on her back, leaving her prone beside me. She went, though I could feel her reluctance. Propping myself over her, I smiled to see my dark, red hair, stretched out and messy from not being curled, collide with hers. For a second, I just watched my hair graze hers, twisting my head side to side.

"Casey," her soft voice brought me back, and my eyes returned to hers. "What are you doing?"

I laughed and it came so easily, so easily around the blond I had only just met. My mouth crashed down over hers before she could do anything, and I felt her body rise up against mine, her hands at my shoulders. Without hesitation, she opened herself to me, trusted me to set my own limits, to answer her questions without extra pressure.

When I pulled away, we were both panting, but there was still hesitation in her eyes, and it horrified me that I knew the look. She may not have been waiting for the physical hammer to fall, but she was waiting for another type of blow. "I kissed you first, Alexandra," I murmured, still over her. "You've done nothing wrong, nothing I don't want."

She frowned. I continued. "I wish I could give you more, Alex, but right now, this is all I've got."

"Right now?" she asked, her fingers sliding down to my elbows.

I smiled. "You hardly expect me to forget you," I purred. "Alex, you've been nothing she of a goddess these past two days, and your kindness is not the only thing that will stay with me."

Her fingers traced my cheek and my eyes. I closed my eyes and let her. Her fingers came down over my lips, my chin, my jaw, back up my cheek, away from the bruise but close enough to it that I knew she was unafraid of what I had seen and done and survived. I let her explore because the half of me that felt full and content above her, touching her, breathing her in would not let me pull away. Eyes still closed, I grabbed her hand from my face and carefully placed it over my racing heart.

I opened my eyes. She had closed hers. "Feel that, Alex?" I questioned. "Don't be afraid of what I am because I am not experienced enough to call myself anything. I've been with David for three years, in another abusive relationship for two years before that. My knowledge begins and ends there, but do not think that you have done anything to which I would have refused. My fear is that it will hurt more to go back to New York knowing you make my heart race and that I'll never see you again."


	13. Chapter 13

Alex shifted under me, rolling me gently off of her. We had been in bed all morning, just cuddled close together. Her scent stained my skin like henna, in artful designs that made me smile. I really didn't smell like myself, strawberries and vanilla, and I was okay with that. I had managed to wash David and his friends from my skin as well. Even under Alex's scent, I could not even pretend to smell him. It was strange because even under all my soaps and lotions and sprays, I could still always smell that faint whiskey and sweat smell David had and the smell of sex I associated with his friends, even when it wasn't really there. Laying on her stomach, sprawled between her legs, I had forgotten what they smelled like. Even as I considered it, I couldn't bring the actual scent to mind, only the description.

We had been discussing my leaving the following day and what that meant because there were somethings I had to pretend had never happened. I didn't know how to explain the kidnapping to Detective Benson when my bus stopped in New York. Alex had tried to give me pointers, eg the truth, but I had pointed out that the truth involved her, and Olivia would be suspicious about how I paid for a motel room. I also lamented over the fact that no matter what happened, I wouldn't be able to see her again. She would have to go back to the realm of the dead and I was going back to the living, the life she left behind to save it. That, for me, was hardest to grasp.

"You're right," she said. "It's harder that you're going to leave here with another secret to bear and that we can't continue to talk. I want nothing more than to call you and talk to you and visit you, but that's just not going to be possible. I'm going to miss you. It's going to hurt. But, before you leave, will you let me do one thing?"

I looked at her, unsure whether or not to be suspicious. "Maybe," I drawled. "Depends what it is."

She laughed. "Normally, I do this a different way, but under these circumstances, it's not exactly possible. Still, if you'll excuse the fact that I've already had my tongue down your throat, I would love to take you out." She paused. "On a date."

I raised my brown, not sure if she was kidding. "You mean, even though we've kissed and you've slept in the same bed, you're going to take me out knowing full well you've already reaped the benefits?" If I hadn't been playful about it, and I had been serious, it would have been a very cold thing to say. As it was, she nodded, hopeful look in her eyes. I smiled and sat up, the comforter falling around me. Against the shirt, the bruises on my arms looked bluer. My eye, I know, was still awfull. My back had bruises covered by the fabric. I was a psychologically and physically broken person. And, yet, the woman beside me on the bed had just asked me out. I had to admit that I usually dated before I kissed before I felt comfortable cuddling or safe sleeping beside someone. And even that, that had turned out wrong. Maybe, what I thought was the right way was the wrong way. Maybe my lack of comfort in the beginning was a sign because there was absolutely no discomfort around the blond.

"Alex, I would be honored." Her smile was so genuine that I had to lean down and kiss her. "You have the best smile."

She pulled me close to her, nibbling on the edge of my lip. "You put it there." She watched my eyes for several moments, and I wasn't sure if she were looking for something in mine or what, but I could see the waves of thought and emotion that crashed through her head. I realised her mind could be a very volatile when she let it be. At thirty one, her self control was better than mine in ways that did not even come close to justifying her two years on me.

"You know, they say eye contact for greater than six seconds indicates a strong desire to either fuck or murder," I said, though neither of us broke eye contact.

"Really?" she quipped. I nodded, humming my agreement into her mouth as I kissed her again, my tongue dancing over her lips. It was such a new flavor, a new thought, a new distinction that even though I hadn't yet determined how okay I was with all of it, I knew I was addicted. This would either become coffee or heroin, and I hoped for coffee.

"Hey, Cabot," I said, pulling away as I felt things begin to pull at me lower down, the flashbacks creeping at the edge of my subconscious. I did not want her to see me have a panic attack, not in this situation.

"Hmm?" she purred, not questioning my sudden need for a little physical distance. Without protest, she let me go enough to sit up, her hand resting on my calf like a warm reminder that I could not completely withdraw from her, a reminder that I was grateful for.

"Where are we going tonight?" I asked, folding my legs under me and taking her hand between mine.

She regarded me curiously for just a few moments. "What are your objections?" she asked, her voice entirely devoid of judgment as though she knew there would be places I would not like because of David. Her intuition had been so dead on around me and the trauma high I was still coming down from that I could see why she had been the SVU goddess during her time with the squad.

My lap, however, was suddenly very interesting. Such a careful question deserved an honest answer. In her home, I had been flirty and open, panic seldom weighing in. It was not how I might have been back home with any woman, but it seemed to come out naturally around Alex. In fact, it was not unlike a vacation from my life. However, the prior day's expedition to the grocery store had all but given me a panic attack. What I honestly felt comfortable with and what I had trouble with, then, were very valid concerns on a date. I felt more broken, more wasted with that thought than I had anything else. I couldn't just go out any more. There was a reason I denied Jenna, my downstairs neighbor, all those trips to the club.

Of the two of us, though, I knew I was the only one who saw myself in that broken shadow. Alex did not. Nothing I said or did seemed to convince her that I wasn't worth even the weekend. She was as stubborn as I was. Unlike anyone else, I had absolute confidence that Alex would respect whatever limitations I set for the night. Maybe it was because we were bound by SVU that I felt more at ease. Maybe it was that this was only for a weekend, and I could go back to pretending to be closed off, unbreakable once back in my home city. Maybe it was really just how Alex was. Or, it might have had something to do with the part of me that couldn't be satiated until she touched the back of my hand, my shoulder, or looked at me with that smile. I didn't know if I believed in love at first sight. I didn't know how I thought about love or lust. I thought I had loved Charlie, but in walking away from that relationship, I thought that maybe I didn't. I thought I had loved David, but then he had turned, and I realized I had been in love with what I thought he was.

Whatever it was that made me say yes to Alex didn't want to spend the night pretending to be having a good time. Honesty was not simple because it meant I had to admit to my own weaknesses, but it was not harder than wishing I had been myself later instead of worrying about swallowing my fears. "I don't think I could do a crowd or someplace super dark," I finally said. "Other than that, I don't know."

"No food allergies or preferences?" I shook my head. "I think I can manage the restrictions, then." She sat up as well, her hair falling around her shoulders in that tangled way that sleep will sometimes cause. "Wanna talk about what's really going through your mind?"

I shook my head. "Not really. I don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing." I was hung up, and I felt bad, but I couldn't help it.

"In a good way or a bad way?"

Staring at her, I tried to figure out what she meant by that. I could not think of a possible scenario where that would be a good thing. "I don't know," I answered, "both."

She smiled, but her silence told me she was waiting for me to go on at my leisure. I sighed. "It's stupid shit, Alex, really. I just keep getting hung up on it."

"That I'm a woman or a stranger?"

Damn, she was good. "Both, mostly that I never met you and you're just so open to sharing. I can't help but be suspicious. And, after this weekend, I won't get to know you any better. What we get now is all I'll have to take back with me." I looked down. "All you'll get to keep. I'm afraid of regretting not being able to know you better."

"Casey, I knew who you were before you knew who I was. I knew you were an ADA and that you had a record marking intellect, drive, and honesty in the court room. I had a gut feeling that you were a good person before I met you in person, and seeing you huddled on the sidewalk in the head lamps confirmed that you would not intentionally harm me. You should have seen your eyes, Casey. I thought you were dying at first."

"I thought I was going to," I confessed. I could hear the distance in my own voice. I was pushing the memory away from me, but that meant it would only be more difficult to process later on. Still, I pushed and shoved with all my might to put distance between me and my memory. The only difficulty came in pushing something away that was already inside me, a part of me. "I would have if you were him."

Sitting cross legged on the bed, Alex held her hands out to me, palms up. "Enjoy the memory right now will make, Casey. The past happens. It closes some doors and opens others. It scars us when it's bad, but hopefully, we come away from that stronger. We learn who we are by what happens to us, both the good and the bad. The bad may have brought you here, Casey, but let me try to make it good. That's all I want to do for you is make something good."

"You are far more the philosopher than I'll ever be." I laid my palms against hers. "But, I'll try."

"Look forward to, and enjoy, tonight. It may be difficult to believe, but you're in control, Casey. You say so, and I'll stop anything. A kiss, a conversation, flirting, whatever. If you need to come back here and be alone, you can. If all of this is too much, and you want to get on the next flight back to New York, I'll take you to the airport. Whatever you need, Casey, it's yours, and I want to give it to you. I want you to be comfortable and to know I won't do anything you don't want. You just let me know."

I smiled. "I wish you could come back to New York with me."

"Yea, me, too." Her eyes grew distant but not unhappy. I couldn't imagine how had it had been for her to have heard Olivia's voice but not been able to speak to her. Olivia may have known Alex was alive, but I was not supposed to. Not only that, but it would have opened old wounds, and healing sucked.

/\/\/\/\/\

That afternoon, I stood in Alex's front yard in a pair of jean shorts and a white tee she let me borrow, drinking homemade citrus sun tea with honey. The breeze felt perfect against my skin. I could get accustomed to Santa Fe, at least in the fall. From Alex's description, I knew I would hate the summers. For now, though, it was perfect. In terms of weather, I was not missing New York.

"It's beautiful," I said, sitting down in the grass. I waved my hand over the groomed tops of the blades, letting them tickle my palm.

"Mmhm," Alex agreed, moving from the chair on the porch to sit in the grass beside me, her legs stretched out in front of her. Both of us were pale white, though I beat Alex by at least two shades. "It's been the blessing in all of this. I'm just glad they didn't move me to somewhere in the South."

"Why?" I asked before flushing and laughing. "Stupid question. Atticus would get stoned." For a prosecutor, Alex was considered very liberal. I leaned very liberally as well for an ADA. I didn't think either of us were liberal enough to be a public defender, but that was based only on stories I had heard about Alex.

She laughed. "You know, I am pro-death penalty."

I gasped in jest. "You? No way. I never would have thought that. Only your attempted prosecution of a death penalty case gave you away."

"Attempted?" she glowered.

I smiled. "Well, guilty on all counts with a sentence to life without possibility."

"Ironically, that was the only plea bargain I'd offered."

I stared at her. "I hadn't realized that. He really pissed you off, huh?"

She shrugged. "No big deal. So, what, you read my old cases for fun?" I could sense that she enjoyed having someone she could talk to about her old life. I was surprised that my replacement of her had been so easily accepted, though I guess she had picked me in a round about way.

Holding my drink in my lap, I shrugged. "Kind of. The squad's biggest complaint about me is that I'm not you. I'm trying to study a grand master as a novice. I need all the ammo I can get." I felt her shoulder lightly touch mine and I looked up at her. Her eyes had gone hard, not like she was angry, just very serious. "I'm such a buzz kill."

She shook her head. "No. You're honest, and I appreciate that. And, Case, give yourself credit. In a year or two, you'll be doing fine. I was not very good at SVU right out the gate. Abbie Carmichael nearly slaughtered me my first few cases."

I nodded. "What do you do around here for giggles?" I asked, diverting before I dragged this conversation back to what was becoming a familiar cycle. Something in there, I knew I wanted to communicate, but in not knowing what exactly it was that I wanted Alex to know, I kept going around about the most depressing shit. I wasn't sure whether it was good or bad that Alex allowed me to do that, but I was grateful. Hopefully, I could work something out.


	14. Chapter 14

**-A/N: So, this is mushy and a little M-ish. It's meant to be a treat for your patience while I've been dealing with computer problems (my computer crashed yesterday and I had to go buy a new one because the old one was beyond repair) and extra work. I'm kind of hesitant because it's more sexual than I initially intended, but I kind of let Casey write this one herself. I think she needs the safe outlet. Let me know honestly if you think it's too much too soon for a woman in her situation or if it's okay. I'm genuinely interested to know how this one is received. **

I stared at her closet, admiring Alex's selection of clothing. Again, the tastes spoke of someone born into high culture; they reminded me nothing of the supposedly Chicago born preschool teacher whom Alex now played in her day to day life. Vaguely, I wondered how long it had been since someone had called her Alex. Did the Marshals? I didn't dare ask. "Your closet makes mine look infantile," I mused, and I had previously believed I had an ungodly amount of clothes. Her wardrobe was first organized by type: shorts, skirts, pants, dresses, long sleeve, short sleeve, etc. After that, by color. Last, by fabric. It didn't surprise me, but it did amuse me. Some of the clothes were very expensive; others fit her current career budget.

I touched a black dress that felt entirely of silk though surprised me with soft strips of velvet at angles across the chest and stomach. There was no way she could afford that at a preschool. "My old clothes came with me. What didn't go in my suitcase, Olivia packed up and sent to the field office in New York. Eventually, they made their way down here." Alex wrapped her arm around my middle. "You could wear that. It would look good."

"My first date with a woman, and I'm already going to be in her clothes," I said, light laugh at the back of my throat. Some days, I loved having a deeper voice than most women. It meant my laugh was noticeable on my voice even when I wasn't laughing. Reaching past me, Alex pulled the dress down and held it against my body. It was a blessing to be the same size, especially in a different state with no access to finances.

Kissing my cheek, she pulled me to the mirror hanging on the back of her closet door. "My clothes look good on you, too." Something about her tone said that wasn't her entire thought. Her pupils had dilated, and as I watched her eyes in the mirror, I realized that she was watching mine. It gave a very sexual tug at my body and was a stunning talent. I was watching myself be watching and seeing everything she did.

"Fuck," I hissed when I could breathe again. "Where'd you learn that trick?"

Smile firmly on her face, she plucked the dress from my fingers and hung it within her reach. "I have many talents, Casey," she purred, her fingers dancing down my arms and across my stomach. She traced the hem of the shirt I was wearing, also hers, and bunched it in her palms. Using the mirror as medium, she gave a questioning look. My answer was to raise my arms up above my head. She disappeared behind me as she rolled the shirt up. I gasped as I felt her lips at my lower back. I held my breath, heart hammering at my rib cage as she continued to raise the shirt, her mouth following close behind along my spine. She pulled the shirt off, dropping it by my feet. I caught her eyes in the mirror, checking on my reaction. I nodded once to tell her I was still okay, and she ran her hands down my back, palms open, fingers splayed. Before I had a change to control it, I gasped as her lips found the top of a scar that ran from my right shoulder to my left hip.

She didn't ask questions, merely kissed and licked along the length of the scar until I was whimpering in a combination of fear and ecstasy. Slowly, deliberately, she kissed her way back up my spine. "You okay?" she whispered against my ear, her breath warm against my cheek and neck as the air spread between our close bodies.

Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded, my eyes glued on my body. The bruises were smeared across my abdomen in various stages of healing, fewer that night than the previous. The skin at my collar bones and near the top of each bra cup were pink, a tell tale sign of arousal. Knowing what I was looking for helped me see the further evidence that I could feel on my own body. Alex Cabot could play my body like a harp, and despite the underlying thrum of fear, I was more than happy to let her. The proof of all this lay in the shadows of the center of each cup where my nipples already strained against the slightly thicker fabric. I shivered seeing that.

Her fingers traced my arms to my elbow, carefully avoiding my breasts before diverting over my stomach in tiny patterns and movements that left me breathless. I tried to find her eyes in the mirror and found she was watching my face with careful eyes. She wasn't waiting for me to say stop. She was making sure there was no indication that she had gone too far. I thought she understood all too well the conditioning of sexual abuse. She was probably right. I probably would not tell her if she made me uncomfortable. She had yet to do anything that crossed the line, though, and when I looked into my own eyes, they were so dark, they were nearly black.

I stopped her fingers as I felt the button on the denim shorts slide open. She met my eyes before beginning a string of very light kisses along my neck. I knew what she was asking in that round about way that said she was asking without breaking the atmosphere. I held her hands from just a moment, trying to decide. I understood what was about to happen. I was so close to the brink of not being able to go back, an edge I had never before come to. But, everything was so entirely about me that I couldn't help but be curious. She wouldn't hurt me, would she? If I cried out or begged her to stop, she would, wouldn't she? I kept my hands over hers, and she stopped kissing me, propping her chin on my shoulder, watching me. "I don't know, Alex," I whispered.

She began to move her fingers away. "It's okay, Casey. I can stop." She didn't even play the guilt card. There was no hint of 'I thought you were enjoying it' or anything else that would inherently make me feel like a tease. Her eyes were still dark, and I could hear the lust still in her voice, but she was very reasonable. She was very much in control.

I didn't move my hands off hers. I didn't allow her to pull away. Instead, I shook my head. "No, please don't." I released her hands, my fingers grazing up her arms. I could do this. I wanted this more than anything. The instant connection I had felt with Alex had to mean something, right? Because, if it didn't, I was too damaged for anything. If my instincts telling me to trust this woman, and my even baser instincts were telling me that this was okay, then it was okay. If it wasn't, I didn't know what I would do. She slipped her fingers between the top of my skin, resuming her kisses, but didn't continue removing my shorts until she drew a low moan from my mouth as she licked along the top of my shoulder. The zipper loosened, and she rolled the shorts over my hips, letting them drop to the floor. I stepped out of them, and she kicked them out from under my feet. It left me standing in nothing but a bra and underwear, completely exposed. Where I normally would have been embarrassed or tried to cover myself back up, I felt genuinely wanted, like my body was something incredible. And, that feeling was precisely due to the look in Alex's eyes as she glanced up from where she had been nibbling at my neck.

I watched her as her fingers played at the elastic of my underwear, still far enough away from my sex to not bring flashbacks, but close enough that I squirmed against her, my back arching as I sought somehow to bring her hands closer to my skin. Her lips found the pulse point on my neck as her nibbles traveled over my skin. Once there, she bit lightly then sucked and licked making my heart hammer faster as though it knew that my pulse might finally escape through that thin membrane of skin. My head tipped back automatically, a cry ending in a low moan escaping my own mouth. Thought abandoned me, leaving my instinct and Alex to fend for my welfare. My hand curled against the side of her face, encouraging her attention to that so sensitive spot where my heart tried to break free. Her fingers played at my hips. That last place where thought still dwelt in my brain, I knew what she was looking for, and my free hand guided her fingers to that place on my pelvic bone, right at my iliac crest that had garnished my physiological response the night before.

The effect was instantaneous. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My eyes were the kind of forest green only found in the light of the crescent moon in the deepest part of the woods. They were so green and dark they were brown in some spots. The skin at my stomach, chest, and neck spoke of heat, arousal. Her hand, so pale against the rogue of my skin, danced over my hip, sending small shock waves across my body. She gave my neck a long, slow lick making me groan with need, my eyes locking on hers through the mirror. She had dilated so completely her iris were gone. And, in the moment her black eyes met mine, the fingers of her other hand found a trigger spot on my thigh I hadn't even known existed.

Between her hands and her mouth, she had to have found the three most non-sexual places on my body capable of bringing out the most sexual reaction. I think that between the three, I was closer to being high than I ever had when someone paid attention to only my sex. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to combine everything. The fact that I was watching her watch me, watching her bring my body to this level without ever once touching my breasts or my sex straight did it for me. I was vaguely aware that I had gone entirely silent, though that had also been the first time I had genuinely made any noise during anything even remotely sexual. I felt my eyes roll into my head in flashes of light as my knees buckled.

The next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the floor, pressed against Alexandra Cabot's body. "Casey?" she asked.

I looked toward the sound. I could not see, my eyes were still rolling, my lids too heavy to open. I couldn't talk. Thought was about my greatest accomplishment, and even that was scattered. I could not even move. It felt like it took effort just to breathe. Everything felt light and heavy at the same time as I twitched, shaking from the after shocks.

As more thought came back, I tried to remember what had happened. Panic set in when the memories didn't, and I jerked, not quite together enough to pull away but panic induced adrenaline did wonderful things. Alex's arms slid tighter around me, pulling me off my knees and onto her. I leaned against her shoulder, trying to gather enough of me to say anything. I had never lost my control to the point where I could not stand. I didn't remember falling, and as her mouth found my earlobe, sucking, I jerked, the tidal wave I had just drowned in threatening to return. Feeling weak as a kitten, I whimpered, tilting my head away. I felt her smile against my temple as she let my ear go.

I turned my head again so that my lips found hers. For there being absolutely no expressly sexual contact, that orgasm set a very high bar for the rest of my life. When I broke the kiss, Alex smiled. "Are you okay?" I nodded, speech too high a function. I noticed that she was still dressed, and as I looked down at my own body, I found I was still clad in my bra and underwear.

"Can you stand?" I shook my head. There was no way that was going to happen. She laughed and held me against her, my skin still on fire.

After a few minutes of silence, I looked up at her. I was feeling better, my brain actually wrapped around itself and in control over my body. Things had cooled down considerably, so I was feeling okay. "Alex, how did we get on the ground?"

"You passed out. Your eyes rolled back into your head, you stopped breathing, and you passed out." She shook her head. "Fuck, Casey. I've never seen anything like it." She sounded as though that kind of orgasm was supposed to come from real sex, not foreplay. I didn't know the difference. To me, that was the closest thing to sex that had ever happened to me. Sarah and I had been awkward. And, we had fucked. Charlie and I had been even more awkward because neither of us had any experience. David had always been rough. He didn't know how to be gentle or how to make me feel. This was the first time I felt anything, really truly felt anything.

What I had thought before was pleasure, when David found ways to draw light amounts of moisture between my legs was nothing in comparison to the way Alex had lit every nerve on fire so that I couldn't tell the difference between one part of my body and the other. Laying against Alex, I realized one key important thing that terrified me, though not from Alex but because of what it meant to me. I had never lost control with anyone. David had been able to shamefully force my arousal, but consensual or not, I had never let my guard down around him, even before the abuse started. I had always held so tight to my control of that last bit of self he could not have. It was something neither Charlie nor Sarah had been able to possess either.

Scooting away just enough to sit up, I ran my hand down my inner thigh, slick and sticky with me. I looked at Alex, my eyes rolling slightly with delirium. "Oh, God, Alex," I mumbled. My underwear was beyond soaked.

"Oh, God, yourself," Alex purred, her eyes still hungry, as though my passing out had only increased her appetite. "If this is your reaction to foreplay, I can't imagine you during sex."

Flushing, I looked down at my fingertips. "I don't know," I half whispered. "I've never-" I stopped. Her eyes met mine.

"Casey, was that your first orgasm?" Her head tipped in question, studying me. Biting my lower lip, I nodded. Alexandra Cabot had one thing of mine no one else could claim, not even me. I had been raised that women simply did not masturbate. It was simply not proper form. And, it had never crossed my mind.

The look Alex gave me was dark again, speaking of a hunger for the flesh. Instantly, as though her eyes could flip a switch in me, my skin danced with fire. I growled deep in my throat as I leaned forward and kissed her. Part of me yearned to play again, to play over Alex's body and see if a woman tasted better, rippled better, twitched better than a man. I wanted to feel every piece of her of her and compare, find out if it was her sex that drew me or if it were something about her. Another part of me pleaded for a rest. The fire had reignited my nerves and my arousal the second time had come up fast, and I could feel the muscles deep between my legs already begin to twitch. It was enough that I gasped in her mouth. Still, a third part cautioned what continuing would mean. Maybe nothing would happen. Maybe, I would fall apart.

It was the last that made my choice for me. I pushed hard at her lips, crawling over her, using my body to lay her flat on the ground. She moaned when I kissed her again, this time, giving me the access I sought to her mouth. I ground once into her hips, long and slow, the wet from my legs clinging to her. She gasped into my mouth. I hadn't thought I'd had anything left to give, but as I felt a fresh trickle of something warm and wet pool between my legs, I knew she would not be the only one to suffer when I left.

I pulled away from her, scrambling just out of reach, still on all fours. It hadn't quite surfaced, but I had felt it creeping up inside me, like an illness that my body just couldn't fight. Almost like a cancer or AIDS. I convulsed slightly, nearly vomiting, but I swallowed myself. Alex watched me, knowing better than to touch me. That might have surfaced the idea, the memory that was trying so hard to crawl out of my stomach and onto the carpet. Shaking, I tried to redirect her attention. "We're going to be late for that date you promised me," I teased.

Alex groaned. "Casey," she whined, "for someone who has little experience, you are a mean tease." She let me play it off, and I thanked Heaven that she did. I watched her as she drew her hand over her still clad denim center.

"Yes," I agreed, feeling better. "But, I do need to clean up now." I laughed and leaned over her, pushing her tee shirt up. Making sure my movements were long and slow, I licked from her navel up through the valley of her chest and kissed the spot I had found in the bedroom that morning. Her body arched into me immediately. I caught her lower back with my hand, my lips finding hers as I held her against me.

"I want to take you out, Casey," she said, panting, "but if you'll indulge me after, I'd like to show you a few more firsts." She looked at me as though looking for any hint of fear or hesitation remaining inside me. I felt none, only peaceful. "With your permission of course."

Smiling, I kissed her nose. "I don't want to make promises that I cannot keep," I murmured before standing. Grabbing the dress set aside for me, I trotted off to the bedroom I had been sleeping in to change my underwear and clean myself up. I could keep a straight face, but I was still tingling from her touch. I wondered what more she could do to me.


	15. Chapter 15

**-A/N: Thanks so much for the patience. Seriously. Thank you. And, thanks for the encouragement. Any PMs or reviews are read and appreciated. I do take into account what you all say. **

I had let her blindfold me. It wasn't as though I would have been able to tell where she was taking me based on the streets because I truly new nothing about Santa Fe, but she had asked with a set of eyes that I didn't associate with the rumors I had heard of Alexandra Cabot, and I couldn't say no. I peaked regularly as she drove down the streets to her laughter and her playfully smacking my hands away from my face. I had showered and dressed in the silk and velvet outfit, almost losing that before we walked out the door to Alex's roaming hands. Now that she had brought me as far as she had once, I suddenly didn't mind going that far for her again. I didn't know how I would feel about going farther, but she had been so kind to that point that I trusted her to that point.

Alex was wearing a dark blue satin dress that made her skin look dazzling and her eyes more blue than gray. It was flattering on her, and I couldn't help but stare. Gay or straight, I was fairly well convinced everyone would stare. She had a long set of legs that just seemed to keep going. I bit my lip as she drove. "What are you thinking?" she asked, slowing and turning. I had feared that this would remind me of being trapped in a trunk with David, but between the soft seat, the light music, and her voice purring over my skin, I knew that while I was with her, I was far from David, far from unsafe.

"I'm thinking about your legs and hands and lips. I'm thinking about kissing you and the color of your hair against mine. And, all of this I have to imagine from memory because it's dark behind this blindfold." She laughed and turned off the car. I heard her get out and the door close. Then, silence for several long seconds.

My door opened. "It's me, Casey," Alex murmured, leaning across my front and unbuckling me as though she knew that while I was blindfolded, she had to step lightly. She took my hand and helped me out of the car, guiding me away from the door to shut it. "I hope you like this."

"Alex, I'm sure that I will. You need not worry so much." I smiled, unable to wipe it off my face. She was going through such lengths, and I couldn't even begin to fathom what for. Her hand touched my arm, following my bare skin down to my hands. The dress covered up the bruises except what was on my arms and legs, but she hadn't made a face. She instead told me I was breathtaking. She took both hands in hers and began to guide me in small steps. I knew she was walking backwards in heels and that was a talent I could not brag. Even walking forward and blind, I put all of my effort into not falling over my feet. The warm air of the night changed in a rush of mild noise and wild scents. I guessed it was a restaurant, but it seemed busy. I shifted, trying to look around, disappointed that I could not.

"It's okay, Casey. Trust me." I nodded, my breathing bordering on out of control. She stopped, stepping up to me, her body flush against mine. Lightly, her lips brushed mine. "I will not hurt you, Casey. I will not lead you into hurt. I know you trusted me earlier. Continue to do so." I could hear the smile in her voice. Slowly, I nodded; she stepped away, leading me again. The noise shut off in a hiss of air and I sensed my environment had just gotten smaller.

"Alex?" I questioned, panic high in my throat. She pressed my hand over her heart. It beat regularly, without fear. I wanted to give myself entirely in trusting her. Even with the fold, I closed my eyes, letting her do the work, show me something I had not yet seen. I had a feeling it was going to be a whole night of firsts for me.

She pulled me all the way forward until my feet stopped against something hard and vertical. "Steps," she whispered. I followed her lead up the stairs, my heels clicking lightly on the carpeted metal. When we hit the top, the warm air folded over my skin again, enveloping me. That we had gone up but were outside put us somewhere on a terrace or rooftop. I wasn't sure which, but I could feel the anticipation in me growing. We walked until she stopped, her hands dropping mine. I felt like an island. There was fear, but there was excitement, too, especially since I knew I had not gone far from her because I could still feel her breath on my skin.

Something tickled my arm and I gasped. It traveled up my arm and across the back of my neck before floating down my other arm. "What is that?" I breathed, my skin tingling.

"A feather," she murmured, the softest touch crossing my cheek. I trembled. The feather vanished and she met my lips with hers in the gentlest of touches. Things played in my body that had never been played on before. I couldn't help it. My hands reached out to her and stroked her face, touching every inch until I thought I might memorize it. As my fingers roved her skin, she did not move except to breathe and open her mouth when I pried. I felt along the ridges of her teeth and touched the warm wet of the very tip of her tongue.

Slowly, her mouth closed around my finger, her tongue curling over it. My body tightened as I slid my finger from her mouth, the pressure she placed around the digit increasing as I pulled away. "Fuck," I hissed. This had been by far the most erotic evening of my life, and I was enjoying every minute of it. She stepped away from me, behind me, her fingers untying the knot at the back of my head. The fold fell away, and I was left staring at the night sky hovering above the empty streets. The lights lit the streets, but the place seemed somehow to still be empty. It wasn't quite the city, but it was more than a village. I looked up at the stars, so much more vivid in Santa Fe than in New York. The landing we were on was the roof. Splashed around our feet like a small sea were rose petals from red, pink, and white roses. The wind gently stirred them, but most of them remained on the roof. A bouquet of the same color roses interwoven with long, pristine white feathers, sat on a small table near where we stood.

There were no chairs on the roof, and I couldn't help but wonder just a little what her game was, though my eyes quickly found two pink floor pillows and a low seated table scattered with white petals. "My God, Alex. This is straight out of a love story."

She smiled, kissing me. "You deserve a love story."

I flushed. "That's the cheesiest thing anyone's ever said to me." I didn't say that it was probably also the most romantic. I could tell she was genuine which struck me as unusual, at least in my experience. People faked their way through life as far as I was concerned. My mother faked being a good person, someone worthy of the God she worshiped – was it truly any wonder I resented both my religion and my mother? My father faked being there for his children. We had all grown accustomed to his physical absence such that his emotional absence didn't do much more damage, though which might have been a blessing in the long run. My brothers faked various aspects of their own lives. My coworkers faked caring about the job when we had all grown cold within the first few years. I faked being strong. I watched Olivia fake being strong, Elliot fake being just, Munch fake being calm, and Fin fake being tough. Yes, certain aspects of these traits we all faked existed in us, but I hadn't met anyone that had been so genuine, that I could be so genuine around, as Alexandra. Perhaps I was smitten and couldn't see the obvious flaws that New York would point out to me when I looked back on this night.

Perhaps I just plain didn't want to see it. Either way, I opted to take the night in for what it was worth and enjoy myself. I just couldn't help but be cynical. No one ever accused me of seeing through rose colored glasses. I saw the worst in everything, the demons in holy places. It was my fatal flaw. Chances were, it would kill me at some point in my life.

"I try," she murmured with a smile, color rising to her cheeks. She took me by my fingers, not my hands, my fingers and pulled me against her. I stepped into her, curling my head into her neck with a sigh. "You're beautiful, Casey. So beautiful in everything."

I blinked back the tears that came up. I shook my head. "You don't know that, Alex. You have no idea what I've done just to survive."

She forced my chin up, kissing me. "That doesn't change my statement into anything less than fact."

"Where's your evidence?" I scoffed, trying to draw away, to box myself away from this. Everything nice turned out bad. I had so much nice from Alex, I was due some ungodly evil in my life right about now, and I just couldn't stand the thought of it either coming from her or negatively impacting her.

Her hands pulled me back against her as she kissed the single escaped tear. "You're crying. That's proof enough, Casey." She turned me in her arms and held me against her, her cheek pressed against mine, as she swayed to the rhythm of late night traffic and the sounds of the restaurant beneath us. It took me a minute, but I realized that she was humming. I focused on the sound of her humming and found that the rhythm changed to fit the song. It was familiar, but it took me a moment to place it.

When I did, I smiled, letting my hands rest on hers against my stomach. "Just call my name," she whispered against my neck, her voice sing-songy even in the whisper, "I'll be there." She kissed my neck and stopped humming. For several seconds, she stood there with me, letting me lean into her body line, inhaling the warmth of what it meant to stand there with her. No one disturbed us. I had no idea how tonight would even work out. I didn't even know where we were. Nothing above the rooftop indicated it, and we were too far from the edge for me to look down.

"Really?" I asked, my voice small.

Alex nodded. "Yes, Casey. Really. Even in New York. If you need me, call me." She brushed the backs of her fingers against my cheeks and kissed my temple.

I shook my head, twisting in her arms. "You'll be risking far too much, Alex. I won't. I can't."

"Sh," she scolded. "Worrying about the future just makes it more likely to be what you fear. Right now, I'm here and so are you. And, right now, right here is perfect." She gave me a little smirk as if challenging me to argue with her on that. But, we both knew I couldn't. I was tempted to, for the sake of doing it, but I didn't. I had already spoiled one good moment. In fact, I had spoiled several. I was good at that. Privately, I swore to not ruin any more good moments. I had to leave to New York tomorrow in order to get back by Tuesday so I could have enough time to be prepared for work. I had no idea where David was, and my big project on the lengthy bus ride was going to have to be figuring out a new place to live. On the bright side, I had nothing to move. David had vacated my apartment of all items before he had kidnapped me. I guess he had thought neither of us were going back.

She kissed me. "Stay away from there," she murmured, her eyes meeting mine.

"What?" I asked, befuddled.

Her eyes continued to search mine as though looking for something more than what I thought they held. Then again, maybe they were far too revealing. "Him. Or whatever it is that makes you look so afraid."

Oh. That. "Him," I muttered.

"Think about you," she said, kissing my forehead. "Think about me." She kissed my nose. "Think about us." She kissed my lips. "Think about tonight." She kissed the notch between my collar bones. "Think about right here." She kissed just below my breasts. "Think about right now." She kissed my stomach. "Or, better yet, just don't think." She met my mouth again. "Just feel."

I smiled. "Cabot," I whispered, "We're in public."

"Mmhm," she muttered, "which also means I'm Angela or Angie Madison." She pressed her forehead against mine.

"Who am I?"

"Casey Novak," she said as though that were obvious.

I rolled my eyes. "How did you get the rooftop all to ourselves?" I had to know. Part of me had been dying to know since she had taken off the blindfold. I was just too distracted to care.

"One of my students, his father owns Velvet, the restaurant in the building, and he agreed to set up the rooftop so I could take you out of a date."

"Your student's dad doesn't give a damn that his kid is being educated by a lesbian?" I asked, genuinely surprised. New York City may have been progressive, but if a teacher was out or outed, usually parents rose hell.

She smiled at me. "I don't think he or his boyfriend has any problem with my sexuality."

I laughed. "Jesus, Al- Angie." The name had been easy when that was all I had known her by, but her confession made her permanently Alexandra Cabot. Nothing was easier off my tongue than Alex, and Angie was going to take getting used to for the night. I imagined I would be slipping up quite a bit. At least it was an A name.

She lead me over to the pillows, sitting down on one and pulling me into her lap. "We have all night up here, Casey. Or I can show you some other sites in the city. Or we can go back to my house. Or we can just drive around all night until the sun comes up." I smiled. "I just want you to have a good night."

"It's already a fantastic night, Alex. I could never have asked for anything better, for anyone more understanding of everything. Thank you. Thank you so much." I wrapped my arms around her neck and leaned into her, my ear pressed over her heart so I could hear its thrum, a steady beating against the cage.

She held me in silence for a few minutes. "What is Velvet?" I finally asked, my stomach gently reminding me that I had not fed it since that morning when Alex made French Toast and brought it back to the bedroom.

Her eyes lit up, and I had to remind myself she had been to culinary school. If anyone knew a good restaurant, it made sense that it would be Alex. She might have been a lawyer before she was hidden away, but she had been a chef before that. "Officially, it's international, but Kisten specializes in French and Italian cuisine. His beau, Josh, is a pastry and dessert genius. Casey, you will fall in love with this food, I swear."

I smiled. She was so excited, and that made me so happy. It was strange to think that her level of happiness directly affected mine. "I take it you come here a lot?"

She shook her head. "We had international day at the school, and Kisten and Josh brought dishes for everyone from different parts of the world. Kisten and I started talking about cooking, and I accidentally let it slip that I had formal training. We kind of clicked after that. They've been a big help in me adjusting to Santa Fe."

As if on cue, the door at the other end of the rooftop opened, a man dark enough to truly be black stepping through in a black and white suit carrying two covered trays. "Mademoiselles Angela et Casey," he said, his accent telling me he was a native French speaker. I was fluent in French, but my accent was so terribly American that it was embarrassing.

"Josh," Alex exclaimed, smile radiant on her face. She continued to hold me against her, and I was touched at the fact that she didn't push me away. Charlie pushed me away around his parents and mine. He didn't want to appear too close. David just pushed me away. He had never believed in affection. Sarah and I had huddled in typical teenage fashion, awkward and unknown. Alex really seemed interested in holding me, almost showing off that she had someone to hold. "Thank you and Kisten both."

"It is our pleasure, Angela. Kisten told me how you wanted to make tonight special." He smiled at me. "Kisten has prepared a few choice appetizers. I'll leave you with menus as well, though I understand, Angela, that you have a background in culinary arts, so whatever it is you may fathom, if we have the ingredients, Kisten said he will make it for you."

Alex looked at me, asking my preference. "I trust you," I murmured into her skin. It was rude of me not to stand up and shake his hand, but I was so comfortable, and something must have shown on my face because neither one of them moved to fix my simple lack of manners.

"Whatever makes Kisten happy, Josh," she said. "Thank you so much."

"But of course." He set the two trays down and lifted their covers. Briefly, he explained what each item was, most of which were foods I had never heard of, but Alex nodded like she knew precisely what they were and how to make them later that night when she went home. I was impressed. On the bright side, everything looked like it had been simple enough, I could tell mostly what it was just by looking at it. There was a medley of vegetables, what looked like some kind of fish, probably seared ahi, and a few other items that I didn't know too well on one plate. On the other, a layer of ice served as a bed for oysters. Fresh raspberries and strawberries were in a small bowl that had come from somewhere I hadn't seen.

"Thank you, Josh," I said when he left us alone again. I still hadn't moved from Alex's lap. I was very comfortable, and she wasn't complaining.

Instead, she picked up an oyster. "It's made with an anise sauce," she said as though that were meant to be a caution, "which is a little like licorice in its taste."

"You and licorice," I said. Her body smelled of its usual perfume, and I was finding that it was intoxicating.

I took the oyster from her fingers and gave it a try. Licking my lips as I watched the shine of the empty shell, I smiled. "Not bad. You know they say oysters are a natural aphrodisiac?"

"I know," she said with a warm smile. "So is anise. I didn't plan the menu. Kist is a hopeless romantic." I giggled. "I just asked him if I could give a very special woman a very special night."

Flushing, I slid off her lap and over to the other pillow. "I'm grateful, Alexandra. I really am. No one's ever put this much focus on me."

She frowned. "I find it hard to believe you weren't a daddy's girl, Casey. You're father was military, wasn't he?" She looked at me as though she was under the impression that all daughters of military men were daddy's girls.

"So is David," I said, my hand going to my stomach lightly. "I imagine he would not tolerate a daddy's girl." It was her turn to frown. Perhaps I had been cruel. "My father was out of the country much of the time. I respect his job and thoroughly respect all military personnel, but he was not a very active part of my life physically or emotionally."

"What about the rest of the family?" she asked me.

I leaned back just enough that I was almost off balance. "There's Robert. He's two years older than me. Then, there's Samuel. He's a year younger than I am. Thomas is eighteen months younger than that. Then, there's Maxwell and Marcus, twins. Todd came next. Last, Franklin. During that pregnancy, my mother suffered some internal damage that left her infertile. Otherwise, there would have been more of us."

"How did you wind up so many if your dad was over seas all the time?" Alex asked.

I flushed. "There are some questions that I do not ask."

She burst out laughing. "That's fair. So, you're the only girl?"

"The one and only."

Reaching out, she curled her hand around my cheek, her thumb rubbing over my lips. "He's so lucky that you're his daughter." I pushed my head into her hand. "I'm so glad you're here, Casey."

"Me, too." Which seemed strange because it was everything bad that had happened had led to this point. If David hadn't kidnapped me, then I wouldn't have met Alex and I wouldn't be sitting on the rooftop of a wonderfully fancy restaurant in a soft dress beside a woman who had successfully made me feel like a princess in a matter of three days.

We spent the next two hours on the rooftop finding all manners of things to giggle about. We kissed. She played her hands over my body, and I was grateful for the privacy of the rooftop. I learned that nibbling her ears made her bite her lower lip so hard and tremble so delicately in my arms. We picked at the food, and Kisten could cook fantastically, but we didn't eat very much. We played. We were silly. It was fabulous.

And, at the end of the night, Alex drove us to her house. In the drive way, I turned in my seat and placed my hand on her knee. "Wait, Alex," I murmured. "Now what?"

"Whatever you want, sweetie."

I leaned forward and kissed her. "Thank you for tonight, Alex. For this weekend. I've never felt more special or more wanted."

Getting out of the car, she came around and opened my door. "I'm glad because I think you're very special and very wanted." She helped me out of the car and walked me through the house and to the bedroom door. Here, she flushed looking like a school boy on his first date. "I really had a good time, Casey. I want to do this again."

"Me, too," I answered. I kissed her again, pulling her hips to me. Carefully, I pushed her into the door. I reached behind her and opened the door, guiding her in. We couldn't do this again. She broke the kiss when she landed on the bed. "Let's laugh every night, even three thousand miles apart."

She nodded, her hands running up my arms. "Alright," she said, "Every night."

I straddled her, pulling my dress up to my hips for comfort. My mouth consumed hers. Her tongue traced my lips and my teeth. I opened my mouth and took her in my mouth wanting to taste every piece of her. She broke the kiss, her fingers on my lips. "For clarification, I had good intentions walking you back to your door."

Everything about this weekend, I might regret when I got back to the city. I wasn't stupid, just naïve. "So do I," I whispered, shaking my head. "Alex, I want you, but I'm scared."

Alex wrapped her arms around me and proved she was stronger than she looked because she laid me on my back on the bed, settled between my legs, the dress riding high on my hips. "You draw the line, Casey, and I'll give you everything I can up until that point." I ran my fingers through her hair and down her arms.


	16. Chapter 16

She kissed me, her fingers tracing my face and traveling down my arms. My own hands wandered over her back, over again between her skin which was warm and the cool satin of her dress. The difference between the two beneath my finger pads was fantastic. Her mouth on mine made me feel warm and safe. Something so deep inside me I didn't have a name for it called out to her, demanded that she be closer. I pulled her against me, arching my back so my hips pushed into hers and she abandoned my lips, trailing kisses over my neck and down to the cleavage of my dress.

"Alex," I whimpered as she kissed my eyelids. Her fingers traced the straps for the dress, sliding under them and massaging the skin at my shoulders. They continued to outline my dress, running over my sides and to my shoulder blades where she found the button on the back that kept the dress snug to my chest. She undid the button, the straps loosening at my shoulders. Pushing the straps down my arms as far as they would go without me lifting up to slide the dress off, Alex left small, wet trails across my chest.

I tried to scoot the dress down further, but she stopped me. "Not yet, Casey," she whispered, catching my ear between her teeth. I hissed, drawing my knees up. Her fingers danced over my calf and thigh as she sat up, still between my legs, and looked down at me, her eyes seeming to take me in so completely, I was almost embarrassed. "God, you're beautiful."

I flushed, my hands abandoning their post at her hips and covering myself. She tipped her head as she reached out, taking my wrists in her hand. I let her pull my arms from my body. Her lips found my wrists so gently I bit my lower lip to keep from groaning. "Why are you covering yourself, Casey?"

Looking away from her, I sucked my lip for a moment. "I'm not beautiful, Alex."

Her fingers under my chin turned my face back to her. "You're right, Casey," she whispered, "You're more than beautiful, but I don't have the words to describe you." Her hands slid down my arms, tantalizingly slow. Her palms crossed the bare skin of my chest, running over my still covered breasts and down my stomach. "You're absolutely gorgeous." Her hands ran down my thighs to my knees. "Breathtaking." She pushed her hands back up my thighs, her fingers catching the dress and rolling it to my ribs in one solid motion. "Fantastic. Amazing." She kissed my stomach.

I laughed, pushing her face up from my stomach so I could look at her. "Okay, Alex. Okay."

She looked at me with mischief in her eyes. "You sure?" she asked. "Because, I don't want you leaving here with any misconceptions about how beautiful you are."

"I'm sure," I said with a nod. "You've made your case."

Pulling me to a sitting position, Alex whispered so close to my ear that I could feel her lips against the fine hairs. "I always do." The words weren't sensual, but her tone was, and I shivered.

"I need you out of that dress," I growled, my fingers finding the zipper at her back and tugging it down. She laughed kneeling on the bed. Pushing my hands in the air, she slid my dress over my head and let it crumple on the floor. My hands came down, pulling at her dress with a frown. "I'm not as graceful as you."

She removed my fingers from her dress and held them to her lips. "No," I protested. "I want you out of that. Now." I was not usually pushy, and my demand frightened me. I pulled away, flinching. "I'm sorry, Alex."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Casey," she murmured, pulling me back into her, rubbing my back. I clung to her, shaking. "You expected me to hit you, didn't you?"

Nodding, I buried myself into her. "I know you won't. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're allowed to be afraid. You've been so open and fearless. I was kind of wondering when the fear would trump the bravery." She laid me down on the bed, holding me against her, rubbing my side.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered, repeating the phrase repeatedly while she just held me. I shook, and I think I may have cried, and she didn't chastise me the entire time. It took me several minutes to realize she was humming the same song from earlier in the evening.

At some point, I must have cried myself to sleep in her arms because the next thing I was aware of, she was wiggling out from under me. I didn't move, merely dropped onto the pillow where she lay me and watched through slitted eyes as she stood, her fingers finding the zipper I had started pulling down. My stomach tightened with guilt. I had freaked out at her, just as I feared I would. My eyes opened entirely, though she didn't seem to notice as she slid the dress down her body and onto the floor. She picked it up and laid it across the ottoman at the foot of the bed along with the dress I had been wearing earlier.

I quickly closed my eyes as she turned back to the bed, sliding against me and pulling the sheets over us. I fluttered my eyes open and stared into her eyes as she looked down at me. "Hi," I muttered.

"Hey," she said, kissing my forehead. "I didn't mean to wake you, go back to sleep." My hand moved along the bare skin of her stomach, the tug returning to my groin.

"But, I'm awake now," I protested, stretching myself against her body to kiss her while my own fingers found their way between her underwear and her hip bone. "And, your dress is off." I kissed the notch at the top of her sternum. "I want to touch every part of you, Alex, if you'll teach me."

She took my hands and pulled me on her, the sheet pulling around us. "Think of what excites you," she told me as she pressed my hands above her breasts. My hands slid down over the white mounds covered by a bra that matched the dress she had been wearing earlier. I rubbed my thumb over the patch of skin where the material of the bra met her flesh. I clasped the straps of her bra in my fingers and tugged them down her arms, my hands sliding behind her back as she arched to give me access. I unsnapped her bra and pulled the material off her arms. Straddling her, I sat up, the bed sheets falling away from us. My breath caught as I stared at her. Sarah and I had been but children, teens, technically, but still not fully developed. The woman beneath me was in every way a woman.

Watching me, she pushed her own fingers beneath the under wire of my bra, pushing it up just slightly. I gasped as her fingers danced lightly over my skin. My own hands covered her soft skin, thumb tripping across her nipple. Her back arched, and she pushed up into me. I could almost see the spark of electricity ride through her, triggering a nearly identical one in me.

It was difficult to ignore her hands, but I wanted to concentrate on her. I wanted to see if I could feel something other than obligation when touching someone else. I felt badly that she was my experiment, but somehow, I figured she would be okay with it if she knew. This far, I didn't feel obligated to pay her for what she had done for me in terms of repayment by sex which was a lot better than I had thought I would do considering how often David saw things in that manner. I could recall the night her raped me in the shower, and it sickened me that I had to categorize these memories based on where they had occurred and not simply that they had occurred because there had been multiple occurrences. It didn't matter that me submitting to his friends had been his idea or that my agreement was forced at gun point. He still told me I owed him for being so open with them.

He had climbed in the shower with me and sat beside me on the floor. He slid his arm around me and pulled me into his lap. I didn't protest much. I was already too sore and too scared. "You were such a good little girl tonight, Casey," he had said, petting my wet hair.

Foolishly, I had clung to him. "I didn't want to do that, David," I pleaded. "I'm not just someone's slut."

He shushed me. "But, Casey, having sex doesn't make you a slut. Sex is how you can repay people for the things they give you." I was a familiar argument. I knew he had exploited my undereducated sense of romantic relationships and what a healthy relationship between two intimately involved persons was. My parents were great, but it had never exactly been a conversation we had. And, as the only girl, my dad didn't know how to handle me, so he handled me like he did any of my brothers.

"They didn't give me anything," I protested. "And, I don't want anything from them."

"There are so many things you don't understand yet, Casey. You're so naïve." I could feel him hard against my side, and as he turned me to face him, I shook my head, pulling away. "Casey, this is what you do, what you're made for, what your body is made for."

I pulled away. He spun us and pushed me down on the floor of the shower. It was a unit combined with a small bathtub, and enough water had accumulated in the bottom that with him pushing me down, I was fighting to breathe. I have vague memories of him inside of me, getting off when he finished and lifting me out of the tub; soft, fuzzy memories of him shaking me; memories of the sound of sirens and men's hands covered in light blue gloves prying at my naked body, of a man looking over me as he told me to focus and breathe. But, I couldn't breathe. I half remember the mask over my face as the medic squeezed the ambu-bag, forcing air into my lungs.

I had coughed and sputtered and rolled over, vomiting water in the back of the ambulance. David told the doctor he thought I had tried to kill myself. I said I slipped and fell. The injuries made more sense with my story, but it didn't stop the hospital social worker from repeatedly asking if I had been abused or a uniformed police officer from asking if David had tried to drown me.

"Casey?" Alex's voice bit into my haze. "Casey, can you hear me?" Blinking, I stared around me. Alex was kneeling on the bed in front of me, hand on my shoulder. I had my back pressed against the wall, the sheets a tangled mess at my feet. "Hey, Case. It's okay. Do you know where you are?"

I nodded. "Your house," I whispered.

"Yea. Where did you go to? What happened?"

"What's wrong with me, Alex?" I asked, not so sure that she would even have an answer. If I didn't know what was wrong, how could someone else?

She pulled me against her, and I went willingly. "Nothing is wrong, Casey. You're just afraid. It's okay to be scared." Taking the blankets from under us, she wrapped me in them, rocking me. I thought of myself as weak and useless, but she didn't seem to hold it against me. I realized I was entirely naked, and so was she. Fresh scratches dug down her right arm that I didn't remember doing but knew enough to recognize them as nail scratch marks.

"I'm going to kill him, Casey," she whispered. "If I ever see him, I'm going to kill him." Not a thread of her voice made me doubt what Alexandra Cabot just said. She was a woman of her word, and I had a feeling she had just given her word. If she ever met David Williams, she would kill him. That should have frightened me. It didn't.

Quietly, I put my hand over her head, content to feel the thrum of her life beat under me. "Do not bloody your hands for me, Cabot. I am here but for the night, hardly significant enough for you to go to prison over."

"Poetic, but untrue," Alex mused.

"Would you kill Zapata?" I asked.

I felt her hesitate. "I did not grow up around guns or violence, but I became familiar with the dark, dark anger in SVU. And, I think there's a very good reason I have been gifted with words and argument in a court room because I cannot fathom what might happen if I were a cop."

My eyes found hers. I was startled, but not horrified, and I could tell that confused her. She had expected me to be terrified by that statement, and that I wasn't confused her. I hoped it didn't make her uncomfortable, but I couldn't tell. "Would you kill David?" she asked me.

"I've fantasized," I admitted, "played through different scenarios to see if I could survive it or if I could beat a murder charge. But, if I would do it, I imagine that I would have done it by now. I guess I'm not angry enough at him. I had him, but I'm mostly angry at me."

She nodded, not like she understood but as though she accepted what I said as being valid. It was refreshing. I tugged the blankets around us both, and my flesh against hers reminded me we were both completely nude. "Not that I'm complaining that they're gone, but where are my undies?"

The frown worried me. "You took them off, Casey." I stared at her blankly. "You stripped me, then you took off your own and started crying." She didn't say anymore, but the look in her eyes told me I'd said something and the raw, red mark on her arm said I'd attacked her. I had no memory of it whatsoever.


	17. Chapter 17

**-A/N: This is short, but I didn't have the heart to prolong it. It's also why you'll hate me. And, I'm sorry.**

The light of dawn caressed the room like fresh sunflowers. I was warm and content against Alex's body. So, why had I startled awake? I tried listening with my eyes closed for several seconds, but it wasn't sound that clued me in. It was scent. Fear lodged in my throat, but my only thought was _Protect Alex. _My eyes flew open as a hand clamped over my mouth. "Move away from her. Don't scream. Don't wake her, and I'll let her live. If she wakes up, she's dead." I nodded. The hand disappeared. "You're truly a disappointment, Casey."

Slowly, I slid from Alex's body, hoping and praying that she would remain asleep. She moaned and rolled over but was still blessedly out cold when I stepped from the bed, suddenly shivering in a combination of cold and fear. David indicated the bedroom door to me with the gun in his hand. I stumbled out of the room, trying to cover myself as best I could, though my main focus was in getting him as far away from Alex as humanly possible. I'd heard David talk about mission objectives. Mine was Alex's safety. In all of this, there were only two innocent beings: Alex, and the baby.

"You little slut," David hissed when we made it down the stairs. The Glock crossed my face with a hard thwack. I knew without touching it, he had drawn blood. "You filthy fucking whore. Too good for a dick now?"

"Yours," I scoffed, instantly regretting it as his hands lashed out towards me and I had to scramble backwards. I was angry now, though. Angry at myself because I had put Alex in danger. Angry at him for calling me out on how my attraction to Alex made me feel underneath everything. And, angry that he had belittled Alex, reducing her to nothing more than a whore's plaything when she was so much more. The punch that came when he caught me, though, sent me to the floor. I hit with the slap that was so distinctly flesh on something hard and smooth.

I growled up at him as he came down on me, his hand in my hair. The other hand pressed the gun against my temple. _Please, Alex,_ I thought, _If you wake up, call 9-1-1. Do not come down here. _He would only have too much fun hurting her to get a rise out of me. "We'll see about that, Casey. We'll see just how much you like my dick."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. I had thought the moisture he forced between my legs meant part of me was attracted to, turned on by, being raped. Alex had proved just how far from the truth that was. "You know nothing of sexual pleasure. You're a bully, David, a bully and a rapist."

He kicked my ribs so solidly that I saw stars, my head snapping back with force. I heard the safety of the gun click. "You kill me, David, and when they catch you, you'll be facing the death penalty in both New Mexico and at the federal level. You kill me, and they'll kill you." I had a death penalty course in law school, and I had made it a point to keep up on the death penalty laws nationally since then. Really, I found it fascinating.

His laughter hit me hard as he pressed the gun to my lips, the pressure forcing me to open my mouth. "You don't get it, do you, Casey? You just don't get it. Without you, I've got nothing. I may kill you, but I'll eat my own gun before anyone even knows you're dead." I looked up at him, gagging on the weapon. His eyes were dark, but his pupils were constricted. His hands shook. Sweat covered his body. He yanked the gun from my mouth and pressed it against my abdomen. "I don't know how I feel about this little rat, thought. You told me, Casey, that you lost the baby."

I shook my head. "I lost a baby. There were two, you dickhead." Hell, if I was going to die, I was going to go out with attitude. I saw the smile creep across his face, and I realized with a sudden panic that I hadn't told him about the miscarriage of one of the twins. I hadn't even told him the abortion had been postponed due to my health. I tried for something else. "How long has it been since your last hit?" I asked.

He looked at me, eyes dark with anger. _Please, Cabot, wake up and call the police. _"What did you say?" he yelled. "I am not some lowlife drug addict. Do you hear me, Casey? Don't you ever accuse me of that." He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me to my feet.

"Okay," I yelped, hands flying to my head to ease the pressure. "You're not a drug addict. Then, it's something the government is feeding you. What are they giving you at the DoD, David?"

Two shots fired simultaneously. The first actually sent shock waves through my body. I didn't feel the second. I closed my eyes, waiting for death, but the pain stayed with the sensation of something falling against me. I stumbled into the counter, hands snatching against my naked body. Frantic, I kicked away from him, leaping over to Alex Cabot who stood in the doorway of the kitchen, fire arm tight in her hands, still aimed at the sprawled body on the floor.

My arm screamed at me as though I couldn't already figure out that I had been shot. Then again, my brain hadn't put two and two together yet. I was really not processing any of this. I stared at David laying face down on the kitchen floor before turning to Alex as she stepped forward. The sound of sirens and red and blue lights flooded the kitchen. I clung to Alex in part because I thought I was going to pass out from shock and in part because the clam, dead space in her eyes told me she was just this side of making sure he was dead. I didn't think he was any way, but I would keep that to myself.

"Police, drop your weapon. Put your hands on your head," a male voice ordered as the sound of splintering wood cascaded over me. Alex kicked the weapon to the officers, complying completely. I expected David to pop up then and open fire on the police, but he didn't. He lay utterly still. I half complied, swaying and falling as I tried to raise my hands. I went crashing down, my hands shooting forward to stop my fall, left arm giving out from under me. I fell face first into a puddle of my own blood.

I groaned, rolling beneath a set of strong, large hands. I was cold and the world was foggy. "Miss Novak." He shook me gently. I moaned. I was alive, but I didn't know how well. "Miss Novak, can you hear me?" He pushed a little harder at the wound above my heart, and I screamed in pain. My world went fuzzy, cold, and then nothing.

Pain shot through me. I tried to scream but I couldn't. "BP's eighty over fifty and dropping. I have a resp of seven, heart rate at forty three." I knew enough to know none of that was good, but I couldn't remember why I cared.

"Alex," I whispered. My world faded.

"The OR's ready. Where's the anesthesiologist? Casey, if you can hear me, we're going to take over your breathing. Just relax now." The black stayed with my vision, but sound flared to life. Something warm enveloped my body, and I could feel something sliding down my throat. I tried to fight, but I couldn't. I was utterly helpless. "Shh, Casey. Don't fight it."

Then, nothing. No fear. No hurt. Just, nothing.


	18. Chapter 18

I don't know how much later it was that I woke, but it was to another cold room with white walls not unlike any other cold, white room that I had woken up in before. I whimpered, half looking for Olivia as if this had all just been a bad dream since I had passed out outside of the police precinct. Part of me was looking for Alex. Yet, I knew that neither of them were there in the room. Olivia because this wasn't a dream. The pain in my arm told me as much. Alex because I knew the US Marshals would take her away lest she be recognized in the media frenzy that usually followed a homicide.

There was, however, someone in the room with me. He was tall and dark as chocolate with muscles that made even David look tiny. I pulled away from him. "Miss Novak, I'm glad to see you're awake. We were worried for a little while." He smiled, all manners of warmth from his eyes. His cop face sucked, but there was no doubt that he was a federal agent of some kind. "I'm Anthony Roberts with the US Marshal service. Alexandra Cabot asked me to be here since she could not."

I nodded, still drugged and fuzzy. He continued, his hands folded in his lap as he watched me. "Do you remember what happened?"

"David shot me," I whispered. "Is he alive?"

"Yes. At present, he's in federal custody." He hesitated, watching me. "The FBI wants jurisdiction on the case. I understand from Alex that you told her he kidnapped you and transported you here?" I nodded. "Due to David's involvement, the DoD wants to take jurisdiction as well."

"And, because of Alex, you guys probably want in?" I guessed, my words slurred.

"We've taken jurisdiction as of now. Alex's safety in another federal matter trumps the DoD, and the FBI is willing to give us jurisdiction as long as they get second crack at prosecution excluding any evidence of Alexandra's involvement, of course." I nodded. Even drug addled, I spoke fluent law. "That said, Casey, David is still very much alive. Despite him being in federal custody, I have been authorized to offer you protection through the US Marshal Service. We can put you in the same program as Alex and keep you two together if you like."

I bit my lip. "I don't know. Do I have to chose now?" I had just woken up. I didn't know what had happened, and where was a doctor when I had such questions?

"No. I'll get the nurse in here. She'll be able to answer the medical questions you may have." I nodded. He stood up and left, the door shutting behind him. They could make up my death certificate and fake my death if I wanted them to. If I wanted out and away. I wanted away, but I didn't know that dying was the best way to go about it.

A thin woman in her mid fifties came through the door next. "Miss Novak, it's so good to see that you're awake."

"Casey," I murmured.

She nodded once. "Casey. I'm Lizzie. I'll be your nurse until you're moved from the ICU. Do you remember anything about what happened?"

"I got shot." I didn't know how much she knew, so I kept the facts to the bare minimum.

"I'll have the doctor come in and explain exactly what happened, but you are one strong fighter, Casey." I gave her a strange look. "The bullet just missed your heart."

"How long have I been out?"

"Three days."

"It's Wednesday," I said. She nodded. "Fuck."

"You have a visitor, an Olivia Benson. Do you want to see her?"

I struggled to sit up, and she helped me by sitting the bed up. One hand went to my stomach, the other to my chest. Breathing hard, I squeezed my eyes shut. It hurt, and I wanted to vomit. I didn't by some miracle, but it was only just barely that I managed not to. "Yes," I murmured. "Who called her?"

"I'm not sure." I nodded. I suspected Alex might have. If not her, then one of the Marshals on her request. The nurse disappeared, and I straightened the blankets around me.

A knock on the door alerted me to Olivia's presence and I looked up at the detective. "We've got to stop meeting in places like this, Detective," I mused, slightly stupid smile on my face. The drugs may have been wearing off, but they were enough in effect that I was not graceful.

Olivia smiled. "Novak," she said, her voice filled with playful warning. "I'm glad to see you're alive. When we got the call, they weren't sure you would make it."

"When did you get in?"

"Three days ago." She sat down in the chair at my bedside. "An FBI agent called and said you were involved in a federal case. It took a little bit of prying, but he said you'd been shot and that you were in a hospital in New Mexico. Captain gave me permission to fly out and check on you." I nodded and held out my hand to her, ignoring the tug of the needles in my arm. She grasped my hand in hers, so warm against my cold skin. "The doctor said if you woke up, then your survival chances increased exponentially."

I smiled. "I'm awake."

"Yea."

"Hey, Liv. What happened-" I hesitated. "What happened doesn't get passed around in New York?"

She held my hand tightly. "We already talked about it in the squad, Casey. Arthur doesn't know. It's just us. Just the squad and the FBI. We left telling your boss to you, but if you don't want to talk about it from this moment out, you don't have to."

"Thank you, Olivia. It means a lot to me." My hand touched my stomach and I looked up at her. "He's incarcerated until trial," I murmured. "After all of this, they can keep him from me." She stood up and hugged me. I began to cry into her shoulder, my sobs wracking my body.

She held me against her, never flinching. "I wish you had told me what he was doing to you, Casey."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Olivia. I was so afraid. I feared he wouldn't be convicted and then he'd come after me again. I still worry." I stopped crying, a dark thought settling in. "He's being given narcotics. I think from the testing at the DoD, Olivia." It occurred to me that I didn't know how long he had been chemically altered. Was he really that cruel, then? Or was it the drugs? Would I ever get to know the difference? And, how would that impact his trial? My heart stopped cold. If he were involved in some drug testing within the government, then there likely wouldn't be a trial. He would disappear. I clung tighter to Olivia. "I'm so scared. I'm sorry."

For several minutes, she just stood there, holding me. People in this world really were kind. I just had to find the right ones. My mind wandered to Alex. I hoped she was okay. I was going to miss her, but with her having moved, now I had no means of contacting her. At least in New Mexico, I had an address for her. I could send her things, silly things, to laugh at every night. But, wherever she was now, I didn't know.

Olivia let me go as I pulled away to a knock at the door. A man in a white lab coat stepped in, smiling. "Can I get you anything, Casey?" she asked me, her head tipped.

I nodded. "A print out of Aristophanes speech?" I asked.

"You are drugged."

I shook my head. "It's part of Plato's Symposium. I've been obsessed over it the past couple of days, and I don't know why."

She laughed. "You are strange, Novak. But, yes, I'll get that for you. I'll see if one of nurses can print me one out while you speak with the doctor."

"Thank you, Benson." I took a deep breath, flinching when it strained the wound at my chest.

"I'm Doctor Reyes," he said, warm smile plastered on his face, but I could see the dark intellect in his eyes. Pulling my lips together, I merely nodded. "You're quite the lucky woman. The bullet missed your heart by less than an inch. The surgeon was able to clear all of the fragments out, though."

"What all happened?" I asked both out of morbid curiosity and the need to know.

He shook his head. "You died twice on the operating table, Casey. Someone is looking out for you. They want you to survive for something." I looked at him. I thought I knew what. I needed to get back to New York. I had fled my life and my fears. I had been angry at them. I still was afraid and angry, but maybe I could help other women not be afraid of the men who hurt them, stripped them of their dignity. "We need to keep you for a few days observation, but I suspect that if you're feeling up to it, you can go home this weekend. You'll start physical therapy while you're here and will need to continue back home, but I suspect you'll regain full use of that arm. The actual muscle damage is minimal."

I nodded. "Thanks. Uh, how did me dying affect the baby?"

"We were able to bring you back without any major concerns to the fetal development. After birth, you may find that he has some minor developmental problems from the lack of oxygen, but that's something that we won't know until after birth."

"She," I said. He tipped his head. "The baby was originally part of a twin set, and the other twin miscarried after sex was genetically determined. More likely than not, the baby is a girl."

"You did your research." He looked impressed.

I frowned. "I'm afraid if it's a boy," I said. He nodded. Chances were, he'd heard that it was my boyfriend who had shot me. He would likely assume the child was David's and that I was worried that the child would be like the father if it were a boy. I was worried either way, but I was also worried that the child would become the mother, a victim. Which was why I wanted to adopt her out to a stable, healthy family. Maybe nurture would overtake nature.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I stared up at the ceiling of my ICU hospital room. Apparently, I wasn't out of the woods yet. Forty eight hours of strictest monitoring and if I was okay, they'd move me to a short term rehab room somewhere else in the hospital. Olivia had offered to stay, and without any one else's hand to hold, I had accepted her offer. It had proved useful, particularly when the federal agents came in to try and collect my statement. I managed to get through the attack in my apartment and to waking up in the trunk, but talking about my escape was just too much. They kept pushing and pushing. It was Olivia on her white horse that had thrown them out and laid in the bed with me while I cried.

This weekend had been so much, too much. I feared my sanity would fall away, sliding from the clutch of my control. Everything was just so out of control lately. I found myself aching for Alex. Olivia had tried to be comforting, but she didn't read me like Alex had. It wasn't for lack of trying. Alex had just satisfied something so deep in me, I hadn't even known it was empty. In her absence, though, I felt this constant hunger, almost like a heart ache. I didn't tell Olivia about Alex. It wasn't as though the detective didn't know my predecessor was still alive, but I couldn't bear to see the heart ache in Olivia at the reminder. I didn't say anything about the baby, either. I asked staff not to reveal my little secret. About that, though, I suspected Olivia held her suspicions. I don't know what may have given me away, but I dared not ask lest she not suspect and I was merely paranoid. Still, her willingness to leave for any procedure and the knowing look she gave me were proof positive enough that I felt justified in being suspicious.

It was two o'clock Friday morning when I woke in panic from a particularly vivid nightmare. Until that point, I hadn't been dreaming. The medication fought the nightmares back, but with the reduction in narcotics, the dreams came back. I awoke, panting with a sharp pain in my left chest. "Olivia," I whined, nearly giving her another name. "Oh, God, Olivia. It hurts." The plea sounded familiar.

I curled as small as I could, leaving the detective to yank the cord attached to my heart monitor setting off all manners of alarms. I felt hands on me, pulling me flat on my back as I rolled over with the pain. It hurt so much, I was in tears.

"Try to relax, Casey," One of the nurses said, "You're panicking and that's making you hurt worse. Deep breaths." She breathed over me, and I tried to mirror her. The pain stabbed through me again, and I reached out. A set of warm fingers found mine. They were long and feminine, not smooth like the hands of a preschool teacher, but not rough either. They were familiar, though, and comforting, and I clutched at them. Olivia never pulled her hand back, even as the doctor came in and the nurses scooted aside. "Give her a dose of Ativan," the doctor said as his stethoscope moved across my chest.

"Casey," Olivia said, squeezing my hand, "you have to calm down. Think of something happy."

I shook my head. The hands of the staff felt too much like the probbing hands of the men who had gang raped me. And, since that had been my nightmare, it was too easy to get lost in the fear. Clenching my lids tight, I tried very hard to imagine feeling safe. The image that came to mind was more than just sight. Suddenly, I could smell licorice and orange, her rich voice as she sang softly under her breath. Her skin had been so warm, so soft against mine as I lay against her. Her arms encircled me as she sang. If I would have known how much I would have missed it, I never would have left her bed.

She kissed me as my vision lightened, her hand pressed over my heart. I rested my hand on hers, feeling the pulse. "You have to go back," she whispered to me. "We can't stay here."

I shook my head. "I don't want to leave you."

She looked at me with a kind smile. "But, Casey, who would replace us if we were dead?"

My body spasmmed, and I felt the cool rush of electricity file through me. My lids fluttered. _I don't want to die,_ I thought.

"I've got a pulse," someone above me said. Technically, if the machines could jump me, then I never didn't have a pulse. I just hadn't had a life sustaining one. I tried to open my mouth to correct her but I could that I couldn't. Not only could I not, but I didn't care. Fuck it. I was too tired for this shit anyway.


	19. Chapter 19

"You really are a miracle, Casey," Olivia said as I woke up. I was back in the ICU, and while I had no clear recollection of leaving, I knew they had taken me to the cath lab. "The surgeon said that's a record, coming back from the dead three times in three days."

"Huh?" I had hoped to sound more graceful than that, but it hadn't happened.

"You had a blood clot near your heart. Not enough that it would have killed you immediately, but you had a heart attack." Olivia tapped a bag hanging above me. "They've got you on blood thinners now to prevent another one."

"Goodie," I mumbled.

She looked over at me, eyes wide. "They told me you're on steroids now, too. Casey, David's going down for kidnapping and attempted first degree murder federally. New Mexico wants to try him separately for first degree assault, breaking and entering, and false imprisonment, none of which overlap with the specific events the feds are charging. You actually dying may up the ante, but I'd rather you stay alive, okay? Don't die. It scares me."

I smiled. "I don't want to die, Olivia. You can't get rid of me that easily."

The agents insisted on meeting again that day. If I died, they'd at least have testimony. That said, they video taped it, the US Attorney standing in the room to make it all legal. I was in tears when I told the camera that I was giving my statement because I was unsure whether or not I would live to testify in open court due to complications of being shot too close to the heart. Genuinely, I was afraid to die, and even when David had the gun in my mouth, I hadn't been this terrified.

I answered the questions and told my story piece by piece. When we got to my escape of the trunk, I used Alex's real name. They were US Marshals, and if Alex were sworn into court, she would be sworn in as Cabot, not Madison – or whomever it was that she was now.

When they left that night, I slept hard and dreamed of Alex holding me as we looked out over the flat expanse of Santa Fe. It would become my only dream for the week they kept me at the hospital in observation in case my heart rate plummeted and failed. I was grateful if not more than a slight bit respectful. I hated being trapped, but this trap was keeping me alive.

The week passed slowly, though it was not horrible. I at least had Olivia. I had tried to let her go home. "No," she had said, her voice firm and even without room for the battle I would have preferred to have. Even her captain refused to let her fly back home if she didn't want to. I appreciated the near constant company, though. It kept me from going mad. Come Saturday morning, I had no issues, not even a hiccup, and fetal heart rate was at an average 148 beats per minute. The steroids had been for the baby, and she had pulled through like I had, a trooper after my own heart. I was on blood thinners somewhat permanently for the next few weeks which meant medical visits every two to three days to make sure it didn't affect anything going on in my uterus. Essentially, little Avocado was on blood thinners, too, and that concerned the doctors though they would rather be safe than sorry with me. I guess they figured I could always have another baby. Making a new me would be much more difficult.

Saturday evening saw Olivia and me on a plane back to New York with strict orders of bed rest for another three days. The doctor had given me medication that allowed me to sleep through the flight, and sleep I did, my knowledge that anything happened between take off and landing, non existent.

Elliot picked us up at the airport. I was still too sleepy to say much, and I curled up in the backseat and passed out. I woke up when we stopped and looked around. "Where are we?" I murmured, my voice somewhat slurred.

"My place," Olivia said as she opened the back door of the squad car. It may have been unmarked, but it was still a police cruiser which meant the back doors only opened from the outside. I gave Olivia a strange look. "Your place is a US Marshal crime scene, Casey. Plus, you've got nothing in it. At least here, you'll have a bed."

Too tired to protest, I nodded and let her lead me inside. Elliot followed with Olivia's suitcase and, apparently, mine. It was a black and green, and I didn't remember when it had appeared at the hospital. It had just shown up, along with a stuffed toy dog with floppy ears that smelled of licorice and orange. Like the dream, the dog accompanied me to sleep every night since it arrived. I had asked the nurses who had dropped it off because Olivia had not been there that afternoon. I was very specific in wanting a description, and I got one. An African American male and a Caucasian female, both Marshals. Actually, the nurse had called them FBI, but since the FBI hadn't lingered on the case, I knew they were US Marshals. Or, at least Roberts was. He wouldn't tell me who the woman was with him, and I suspected it was Alex. I unzipped the suitcase as Olivia flitted around the room, seeking the dog and a pair of pajamas. I found the blue pair I had worn my first night with Alex. The black silk and velvet dress was packed in there, too. I smiled privately, unable to focus on what Olivia was saying about bath towels.

Other than to put the dog in the case, I had not looked through it. Now, I did, and I found a second stuffed toy. This one was a cream colored Build-a-Bear in a skirt suit with black glasses. Something heavy sat beneath the material of the paw, and I squeezed it. _The Jackson 5_'s song "I'll Be There" played, though just the stanza she had sung aloud to me. It was the song she sang when we had gone out, and it was the same one I heard her sing in my dreams. Sitting on the floor of Olivia's bedroom, I hugged the teddy and cried.

Olivia stopped talking and knelt beside me, holding me while I cried. She felt safe and warm, but she smelled of lavender, and that didn't smell right. "Who sent you that?" she asked, smoothing my hair from my face.

"My aunt," I lied. I felt bad I had lied, but I couldn't tell her that it was Alex. I did not know how she would take it, and I had promised Alex that I would not tell the detectives we had met. I think if I had, Olivia would have hated me, anyway. Not for a particular reason, but just to hate me for having had Alex. If I didn't know better, I would have said Olivia loved Alex, if not romantically, then platonically. Maybe I didn't know better.

Olivia combed my hair from my face. "You're safe now, Casey. It's okay now." I nodded and let her help me stand. One hand still clutched the pajamas Alex had sent me, and I watched her eyes narrow. "Casey, where did you get those?"

I shrugged. "Some shop in New Mexico. I told you I was staying with a friend." I watched her look me over, then look at the teddy and the dog. Her eyes focused on the teddy for a while which made me freeze up. I had learned quickly that she was perceptive; even as a detective, she had an unusual talent for connecting the dots.

"Okay," she said. "They're cute, that's all. I'll let you go change. Yell if you need anything." She shut the door behind her, and I changed, curling up on the bed, the Cabot bear against my chest.

"Come in," I said to a knock on the door some time later. I really hadn't been able to grasp the sensation of the passage of time since initially waking in the hospital. In part, I knew, it was the pain medication. The other part, I suspected, might be a small amount of depression settling into my soul.

Olivia opened the door with a glass of water and bottles of medication to manage the pain and a bottle of blood thinners. I had a bottle of prenatal vitamins, too, that a nurse had been kind enough to run to the pharmacy and get for me because I had been too chicken to ask Olivia. "Brought you your meds. How are you feeling?"

I stared at her. "I don't know," I answered. "Numb." She asked me that a lot as though she knew that I would be out of sorts in more ways than one. My boss vaguely new I had been involved in a federal case, and he knew I was either the victim or a witness, but the Marshals played cloak and dagger, and there was actually a gag order preventing myself or Alexandra from talking about the case with anyone except the Marshals and attorneys assigned to the case. I had shown him the gag order via fax, and he had stopped asking questions.

Olivia hadn't asked much beyond my welfare. I wondered briefly if therapy violated the gag order but decided against it. Victims who seek psychological counseling are not well received by juries. It seemed backwards to me, but that was simply the case.

Sitting up, I downed the pills she handed me. "I have a stupid question," I said. She nodded. "Will you lay with me? I know he's behind bars, that he can't get to me, but I would feel better being in New York again with someone else."

She nodded again, pulling her gun from its holster and setting it beside the bed on the small dresser. "Of course, Casey. Lay down." I did, and she wrapped herself around me, stroking my hair. My last thought before sleep was _she smells wrong and she doesn't fit right, but she's warm and safe, and, thank you._ I whispered Alex's name into the teddy before inhaling deeply. If Olivia heard, she did not mention it.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The three days passed quickly, mostly because I slept anywhere between sixteen and twenty hours each day. However, day four saw me ready to hit the ground running, and hit it, I did. Alex had packed me two suits which each screamed Cabot, but it seemed as though I was the only one who noticed. I was probably just being sensitive. The clothes smelled like her, though, and that put me in a good mood.

Marcus caught me up to speed on the casework and couldn't seem to give it back to me fast enough. I had no complaints about his eagerness to allow me to resume my post. I think I was just as eager to take it. I must have been channeling Alex again because SVU was suddenly mine. I possessed it, and I was relieved that my cases were back in my hands. Emphasis on mine. Suddenly, I trusted myself to do this – though, I could not say the same for anyone else. All day, my coworkers dropped by to see how I was doing, and I was honestly great. I was still reserved and unsure in my technique, but it helped to know that Alexandra the Great had been chewed out her first cases as well by none other than the possessive and somewhat volatile Abigail Carmichael.

Tale of my passing out at the police station had spread, and many coworkers regarded me with caution, a few asked if I had a disease. Bold bastards. I didn't, but since only my detectives knew I'd been kidnapped and shot, I could understand why they had thought something might be wrong down that road. Jesus. I could hardly believe all of this had happened in a week and a half. Too much. Too fucking much. Only Olivia knew close to the full story, and there were even some fairly major points that she was unaware of. The guys didn't even know who had hurt me except that it was my ex. I think they left well enough alone because I'd been indoctrinated in a way. The violence they dealt with daily had tainted my porcelain, white-collar, upper class body. And, so tainted, I had become an outcast from regular society, but a regular in outcast society. I saw evil not just in the darkness but in the light. I knew that cold also came from the sun. I had known that all before meeting them, but now they knew I knew. I was family all of a sudden, but it was okay. I needed a family to back me.

I was glad no one else knew what Olivia knew, fewer what the boys knew. The glances of pity and concern were bad enough already. The judges seemed aware that more had happened but out of professionalism, they didn't actually say anything. I had motions hearings before both Donnelly and Petrovsky, and they regarded me as though seeing me in a new light. I was not sure how to take that and even less sure how I felt about it. It was as though everyone could see through me, but no one could.

That afternoon, I ducked out an hour early to go view apartments in a more secure neighborhood. David may have been without bail, but the system was not without failure. I just didn't trust the system to keep him in. If they failed, it meant I was on my own to make sure he stayed out. Olivia had recommended me a place up town where a friend of hers worked a second job as security. Office Jackson Brown readily agreed to meet me and show me around the place. Olivia had pre-warned him that I was more interested in security than anything else, and the first thing he did was show me and explain the security systems.

"Alarms are standard in all of the units," he said as he showed me the keypad on the door. "They're all wired. It's just a case of you wanting to activate it.

"The fire exits have stairwells inside opposed to out to minimize the opportunity of someone breaking it. Everyone entering will either have a key code or a key card to get through the front door. Elevators run off a four digit key code that you choose and we program. And, of course, you have armed security here twenty four seven, and the seven of us are all either current or former NYPD."

I nodded, staring around the living room. It was a two bedroom with an over sided kitchen and a living room that was divided into an office area and a lounge area. It was larger than my apartment but still well within my budget. "Okay," I said.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Never let two lawyers have free reign when negotiating contracts. Negotiating is like a sport for attorneys, and we're very competitive people. I didn't require much, but the contract was too loosely worded in a few areas to make me feel secure. We cleaned it up. I was renting, not buying, and I wanted everything tight with no nonsense that is found in a lot of leases. I also wanted to be able to get out if David came back. It took two days, but with my willingness and ability to pay a full year's rent up front, leaving myself only electricity, water, heat, and trash to pay monthly, the landlord had a tough time saying no to my two unusual requests. Still, the attorney wanted to play with me, though she was eventually overrun by her client choosing to agree to my terms. They were simple but essentially made my apartment impossible to enter without a warrant, even for the landlord. He might have been suspicious if I hadn't worked for the District Attorney.

His attorney and I signed and she shook my hand. "For a criminal attorney, Miss Novak, you sure know your way around a contract."

I smiled. "Negotiating is all I really do."

Her name was Kale. Like the food. And, she smiled back at me, holding my hand a second too long. I let her, not because I thought anything of it, but because I genuinely liked her smile.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

My first order of business was clothing. A lot of my savings had gone into rental payment, but that was the purpose of that account. My previous landlord was comfortable in the knowledge that every year, I'd pay him for a year. It hadn't bothered him, and it was nice to know that agreement would hold with my new landlord. Still, nearly emptying that account had left me with nearly three grand there and my normal savings account with another six. I had not been financially dependent on another since my first job at sixteen. My father raised me to be business savvy. His hope was that I would go that route. I'd disappointed him by not only becoming a lawyer, but a public servant at that.

I had to admit that it had been a while since I had been shopping and while Alex had provided me jeans and a pair of sweats as well as tee shirts, I desperately needed suits. I took Friday off work for therapy – the physical kind – and a medical appointment. Both of those were in the morning, but I spent the afternoon making my life more normal. The squad could still get a hold of me if need be, but that was about it.

I also made an appointment for that afternoon with an adoption agency to meet with an adoption counselor to discuss the plan six and a half months down the road. It was in their office that I sat in a pair of Alex's jeans and her hoodie which still smelled of her when everything just kind of hit me. It felt like it sucked the air from my lungs, and I had to tell the receptionist I would be outside before practically running out of the office. I hadn't processed any of this. I was medicating myself to sleep and throwing myself into work and everything my life was supposed to be to keep from thinking about everything. I didn't know why the quiet of the lobby threw everything back, though I thought it had a lot to do with the fact that I had been staring at a lovely picture of two women, each holding the hand of a child, lifting him up into the air. New York was mostly progressive, though I had specifically chosen an agency that adopted to heterosexual couples as well as gay and lesbian couples and single parents. I really had no bias against sexuality or marital status. After all, it would be like throwing stones in glass houses for me to be judgmental. But, the two mothers made me think of Alex and her arms around my waist, her head on my shoulder, and the sharp scent of citrus.

I'd read Aristophane's speech and only wound up more confused, though not about why my brain obsessed over it. But, Alex wasn't coming back, and I couldn't go to her. I had turned down the US Attorney's offer to not only put me in Witness Protection but put me with Alex without explanation, and I didn't know if Cabot knew about that. If she did, would she hate me or understand why I couldn't? I had to stay here, though. I had to. I could offer little more than that. Besides, what promise did I have that six months from now we would still be together? Who said we hadn't been a weekend fix, anyway? Yes, she had accepted my fragility, but that didn't mean anything. The agents were calling me daily with this or that new question, but other than telling me that Alex was still alive, I got nothing from them about her location or other status.

Instead, they asked me about David, how did I think he found me? I didn't know. If I had to guess, I would have said he'd seen me get into Alex's car and either followed which I did not recall seeing another car behind us that night or he had written down the plate and used his connections to find us. Once he had Angela Madison's address from the plate, it made sense to me that he would verify his mark. Abusive did not mean impractical. They asked me what happened the night I was shot, during my kidnapping, and for any evidence he'd abused me before. I gave them access to my medical records. It seemed silly to make them get a warrant. They pulled my near drowning, my shoulder dislocation, and several others with pictures of the marks and bruises, mementos of two years of progessively worsening physical violence.

I was numb during questioning, numb during everything; it was just so much easier to not feel. Standing outside in the cool October afternoon, I hugged myself. It had not occurred to me to ask questions. I did not know what would happen at trial or after. I did know that the defense would take it to trial. Their client had been under the influence of an experimental narcotic not yet evaluated by the FDA to help soldiers cope with PTSD. They would say the first charge being so heinous indicated a quick escalation pattern. The prosecution wanted to prove it had been slow, on par with most domestic violence relationships, in its progression. My previous silence and turning away of police assistance made their lives harder in form of getting a solid conviction, but I couldn't be sorry. If Alex hadn't called the police, I might still be running from him.

I threw up in the grass, nearly on my hands and knees with the weight of it all. A hand came to rest lightly on my back. "Miss Novak?"

"Yea," I said, nodding. Every muscle in my body burned with tension and fear. "I'm so sorry. I'll clean it up."


	20. Chapter 20

"Don't worry about it," she said. "My name's Alicia. I'm your adoption counselor. Would you like to go inside? I can get you a glass of water."

I nodded and she lead the way, letting me sit while she got me a glass of water. When she came back to her office, she had some crackers, too. "They help with the nausea. Morning sickness doesn't always happen in the morning." I wanted to roll my eyes at her, but I kept myself in check.

"Thanks," I said, taking the crackers and opening the package. I nibbled at the corner of one.

"Tell me a little about yourself, Casey. Where do you come from? What do you do? And, why adoption?"

I shifted in the chair, sliding further down. Closing my eyes, I took a deep, steadying breath. "So, I'm twenty nine. I'm an attorney – I prosecute on behalf of the Manhattan District Attorney. I'm the only girl of eight from a Catholic family. My dad was in the army. My mother stayed home most of the time." I smiled fondly of Robert and myself raising Hell just to piss her off.

Alicia jotted all of this down on her note pad. "Where did you attend school?" she asked as she looked back up at me, prepared to take more notes for my file.

I wanted to be sick again. I felt ashamed sitting here, like it meant that I couldn't take care of this child, as though I had an option in its conception. I guess I kind of did. I could have opted to call David out and see if he really would shoot me. Problem was, I think he might have. "I got my bachelor's in history with a minor in religious studies at NYU and my law degree from Harvard."

"That's impressive." She jotted that down. I used to flush at my law school, but I didn't anymore. Harvard had been no more difficult for me than NYU. "What's your mean income?"

I sighed. God, I hated talking about my paycheck. For a twenty nine year old, I made bank and I knew it. "One thirty five," I said. I was rounding down. It was more like one thirty nine, almost one forty. I earned it with an eighty hour work week minimum and a 71% conviction rate at trial – 93% conviction counting pleas. I saw her eyes widen. "I'm a senior assistant district attorney with my own unit to supervise," I said by way of explanation.

"How many hours do you work per week?" she asked. I wasn't sure if this were standard or she was considering a career change.

"Anywhere between eighty and one twenty."

She gave a low whistle. I noticed my work hours went down on the pad. "What kinds of physical activity do you engage in?"

It sounded so much like a euphemism for sex that I nearly gave that as my answer. I shrugged instead. "I bike daily and played softball up until I found out I was pregnant." Got shot. Got knocked up by rapists. Same difference. I didn't tell her that.

I explained to her my diet, my general health including the recent shooting and miscarriage of the second twin, gave her everything from the doctor she required including the ultrasound photo from that morning so potential parents could oogle at the kidney bean sized blob. Actually, she was about an inch, so bigger than a bean. A kiwi? She also didn't look like an avocado anymore, so I needed a new term of endearment. My stomach was still flat, only my breasts had grown, and they were big enough that my new wardrobe was slightly bigger than my last to accommodate that. We also covered that I spoke Italian and French, and all of the random things I knew how to do that for some reason indicated the child would be better at it. That, I didn't understand. Neither of my parents spoke anything but English, and foreign language had always come easily to me.

Being shot apparently covered the question of 'is there any instance of physical trauma to your body since conception?' She asked anyway to see if I had anything else, wanting to know more. I sighed. This seemed awfully personal.

"I was beaten, raped, and kidnapped, not in that order, and not just one time," I said, my voice going numb as I distanced myself.

She looked at me like I might have been kidding.

"My life isn't exactly conducive to the upbringing of a child, Alicia," I said with a sigh. "There's a very good reason I'm choosing adoption."

Nodding, Alicia set her pen down. "Violent lifestyle aside, Casey you're the ideal candidate for many of out families – well educated, healthy, family background, physically active. What are you hoping from the adoptive parents?"

I sat up straighter. "Same thing they want from me, Kiwi aside. Well educated, loving, healthy, active, strong support system, established career, ability to focus on the baby, no criminal history or criminal associations, not abusive – no history of CPS involvement or police involvement for intimate partner violence even without a conviction or arrest, and independent personalities." I flushed. "I want her to grow up feeling safe and loved and to be psychologically healthy. I'd raise her myself, but there are just things I cannot give that I want her to be raised by a family who can give her that."

Alicia nodded. "You've really thought this through." I nodded, then. "That's a good thing, Casey. You're making a very brave decision." She paused. "Now, I noticed you didn't fill out information about the baby's father. What can you tell me about him?"

My knuckles were white against the seat. Technically, I didn't know if David were or were not the biological father. It could have been one of his friends, but I didn't know if it was fair to label them rapists. The law said maybe. My body said definitely. "I don't know who the father is," I said, my voice quiet. She gave me a look like she wasn't sure if I was a slut or a victim. I clarified for her - "I was gang raped."

She reached her hand across the desk to me, laying her pen down. I squeezed her hand, mostly because I thought she needed the reassurance, not because I did. I was the case politicians argued over when it came to Roe v. Wade. Women who are raped and wind up pregnant. I wondered how many women who wound up pregnant from rape actually told the abortion clinics that they had been raped. Keeping the secret involved getting rid of the evidence – the baby. Why tell someone that was what you were doing if you just wanted to forget?

I put my hand back in my lap. "Do you need anything else from me?" I asked. I suddenly wanted to go.

"We cater to all kinds of families, Casey, including single mothers and fathers and gay and lesbian couples. Do you have any objection to any of out non-traditional families?"

My hand automatically rested on my stomach. "The only thing I object to is any safe, loving family being called non-traditional." I thought of the velveteen feel of Alex's hands on me as her fingertips floated across my stomach and chest, and I wondered if it was just her and since we'd never meet again, it didn't matter, or if I would ever become a so-called non-traditional family matter.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I stood in the middle of my bathroom soaking wet and naked, staring at my body. Other than the pinkish scar starting to form over my heart, I was free of any recent marks of abuse. The last bruise on my ribcage had finally gone away. I felt as though it was okay to be seen again, though even I would never have walked out of the apartment without clothes.

Halloween fell on a Friday, and I was not the on-call ADA for the weekend. I would be the only one in the office inherently sober enough for the job, but Stephanie had the misfortune befall her. Knowing full well my detectives would probably call me anyway, I wished her luck and took the back up shift. I had been invited to a party with some of my former college friends, and I figured I deserved the break. I was twenty nine, not dead. And, not entirely married to work.

I was still on shaky grounds with the guys in the squad. I suspected it was because they still didn't know what to do with me about David. They had never known me any other way, so they had no way of trusting I was okay. Olivia was more open than that, though she had breached a topic that morning that worried me. Twelve weeks in, and I was still throwing up. It was during one such episode that she walked into the restroom, pulled my hair back out of my face, and asked, "Are you pregnant?" I shrugged. "Do you think you might be?"

I looked at her. "It's been three months since he raped me, Olivia. I think if I were pregnant, we'd all know by now." Actually, it had been six weeks since he'd raped me, but Olivia didn't know case details. Five and a half weeks since I last saw Alex; I had decided that those two days had been a fling, but they could not mean more. More meant not moving on, and I had to do that. I did not want to date again, but I didn't want to be so absorbed I missed out on when I was ready.

She had left it at that, though looked at me funny when I had mentioned I was going out to a bar with friends. Blessedly, she had kept quiet.

Stepping out of the cab was the easy part. I hadn't been in such a crowded place where the good guys and the bad guys weren't obvious since I had gotten back to New York. In fact, in two weeks, I had barely left my house except for work and therapy. Biting my lip, I looked around me, trying to find those that had invited me. Matt owned the club so I knew it wasn't too bad, and it was his wife, Theresa who had invited me. We'd all gone to school together. I had been a bride's maid in their wedding during our senior year. They were a good pair. No kids. Neither of them wanted them. That, however, only made their lives easier because they liked to live it up. The club's decorations attested to that. Several mutual friends were all supposed to be there as well as several of their friends that I didn't know. When I wasn't married to my job, I had spent time with them. Of course, that time had been cut short when David decided I needed to report to him after work each day. It made friendships hard.

Seeing none of them, I sighed and headed to the door. The line wrapped around the block, but I walked straight to the bouncer at the door. My red hair had been dried straight and my makeup made me look dark and pouty. I wore a black, long sleeved shirt with a very low neck and slice of midriff showing and a black leather skirt that had just enough fabric to call it that. Pale white legs ran bare to black ankle boots with three inch heels putting me at six one, lean, pale, and looking ready to fuck anything. I flashed the bouncer some fang, and if vampires were real, I, more than any other woman in the line, fit the description. The fangs were high end false teeth that snapped over my real canines, and unless I pulled my lip high, it was impossible to tell. The bouncer's eyes barely left my chest to see my smile before returning to the dip of my cleavage. I rolled my eyes. We were probably back on the red head kick, although last time, I hadn't intentionally made myself look like I belonged in Dracula's harem. That, and my normally average sized breasts had filled out nicely, especially in that shirt.

As I walked past him, I caught and kissed his cheek. "Matt's gonna be so pissed you didn't check the list," I purred into his ear.

Theresa came up behind him, grin on her face, southern drawl to her lips. "Casey, are you givin' the boy a hard time?" I knew where her mind traveled, and we both glanced down at the bulge in the bouncer's pants. My grin turned positively wicked. He flushed, and I put my hand on his chest, my lips barely grazing his. It felt horrifying and wrong and, strangely, comfortable. I was accustomed to this kind of thing.

"Tony, meet Casey. Casey, Tony. Uh, Tony, you get off in an hour. You can come join us then." I shot her a dark look and she laughed. Theresa had always been a little but of a sadist. I did not want to flirt with him all night, but I was not cruel enough to tell him no. I frowned slightly, but not where Tony could see me.

"What?" Theresa asked as we walked deeper into the mess of noise and people. "Don't tell me straight laced Casey Novak is becoming merely a tease." I frowned harder. Was I?

Looking around me, I tried to determine precisely how I was going to handle the night. I didn't foresee it going over too well, but if I could plead a case, I might be able to duck out with grace early. That said, I kept my phone close to me. Theresa led me around to the bar where she introduced me to Megan and Raphael, two of the bar tenders on duty. "This is Casey. She's one of our personal guests tonight. Make sure she's taken care of?"

Raphael smiled at me. "Sure thing, Terry."

"Great." Theresa turned to me. "I'm going to go play hostess. Get yourself settled, let these guys know if you need anything. I'll catch up with you in a little bit. You kind of dropped off the face of the earth."

I smiled. "Thanks, Theresa." I watched her slip into the crowd like it was what she was born into. It had never really been my cup of tea, but not that I stood alone at the bar, it was even less. In fact, it felt more like I was drinking hemlock. I took a deep breath to clear my head, wound up only packing it full of the scent of bodies pressed against each other mixed with alcohol, and sighed. "You've got this," I mumbled under my breath before turning around to face the smiling bar tender.

"What can I get ya, Casey?"

"Sprite?" I asked, pulling my lower lip between my teeth. I could use whiskey. I drank. I was not a perfect Catholic girl – far from it, really. I mean, I had premarital sex, was pregnant out of wedlock, and lusted after a woman. Nothing about me was Catholic anymore, not even the strength of faith. But, for the next six months, it was a no go. After that, though, I planned on getting so thoroughly wasted, I forgot the entire year. It sounded like a damn fine idea to me.

Raphael looked at me kind of strange, but I offered no reaction, the perfectly neutral face. I even gave him in innocent smile. He just handed me the soda. I reached down to my boot for the credit card I kept with me and held it out to him. He shook his head. "Terry and Matt have a party going tonight. You're on that guest list, Casey. You drink whatever you want on the house. Besides, I couldn't charge you to stay sober."

"Oh, thanks," I said, having to half yell over the music. He nodded and turned to a new customer. I left a couple of bills on the bar anyway. Just because the club didn't make the money didn't mean he shouldn't go home with something. I had been a waitress to pay my way through Harvard, and, yes, I had gotten scholarships and grants, but everything else, I paid for. I knew the value of a tip. Hell, I was younger than Raphael and made more in a year than he did in five with probably very similar hours.

Sitting at a bench against the wall, I crossed one leg over the other and watched the mass crowd of people. They seemed to be like one great beast, a many headed hydra, and I shuddered. I was definitely ducking out early. The anxiety hadn't set in quite yet, but I could feel it dancing on the fringes of my mind. It was as though it were toying with me, my greatest fears and nightmares pulled at me in such tiny amounts, I couldn't really accuse them of fragmenting me, but it was precisely what was going on.

My false teeth were cleaned the same way dentures were, so I didn't have to both popping them out to drink the sugary, sticky beverage I held. It was kind of nice because the effect remained. As I absently played with the straw in my mouth, I looked around me, catching the eyes of one man in the corner of the club. He had been watching me with an almost predatory gaze, and when our eyes locked, I saw him push himself off the wall. Instantly, my drink became far more interesting as I debated whether or not I get up and move or wait. Depending on how persistent he was, moving might actually be more harmful than not.

It wasn't that he was unattractive; I just hadn't come in to flirt with anyone. I had already made the mistake of flirting with the bouncer, and I just could not handle that much attention on me again. The man came to stand over me, and I realized looking at him that he was about my age with at least an equal income if the brand of clothing he wore was any indication. Then again, he might have one nice pair for fooling girls and the rest was more measurable to his income. Not that income actually mattered to me, but it was something I noticed. Every girl notices it, particularly in attractive men. And, with his bright blue eyes, tousled brown hair, and coffee creamer skin, he was attractive.

"I'm Kevin," he said. I raised a brow. He hadn't tried any ridiculous line on me. Just plain. I liked plain. I still didn't think I would dance.

"Casey."

He sat down without asking. That lost points in my book. "You look kind of bored."

I shrugged. "I just got here." He smiled at that. "What about you? Why aren't you dancing?"

I'd set him up for a line, and I had done it on purpose. So, I was surprised when he countered and dodged the typical girl trap. Apparently he had experience in this area. That should have concerned me, but since I had no plans in continuing the conversation long, I let it go. "I got bored."

"Bummer," I muttered into my straw, sipping on the Sprite to stop myself from what I had been about to say. The reality of it was that I hadn't had men as close to me as they were that night in weeks. Olivia had been about the only one I allowed to touch me, and even my doctors were female. Beyond simple touches of attention or reassurance from the male detectives, I had spent the last three weeks without male touch, and I had been okay with it. Now, tonight, I had broken the rule first, but Theresa's pull on my tease had made me even more self conscious. It wasn't fair to Kevin who was just trying to get laid that I chew him out. Most women in here would probably have been happy to go home with him, just for the night.

Feeling bad, I sighed. I was about to tell him I was a lesbian when he asked, "So, what do you do?"

This was the best out about my job ever. I could go one of two ways. I could tell him I worked in sex crimes or I could tell him I was an attorney. I hadn't used the trick, but I knew that the reaction of my conversation partner to me working sex crimes would determine exactly how long it would be before either I walked away from them in disgust or they walked away from me. Usually, it was immediately thereafter. Olivia had said some men just shined at the thought of rape, and those were the men I was working so desperately to avoid outside of normal business hours. "I'm an attorney," I said, not wanting to know if his face would be one of the ones that would light up. Attorney was safer. To most people, I was a snake in the grass, conniving bitch who took people's money and laughed about it. Most people left me alone. Worked for me.

"Really?" he said as though he were only moderately impressed. That was a reaction I wasn't accustomed to getting.

"What about you?" I asked, bordering between simply being polite and knowing that was what he wanted me to ask. It meant his wealth was genuine. Or, he was a good liar.

He shrugged. "I'm the CFO for Arlington and Bennett." Arlington and Bennett was a major marketing firm that moved trillions if not more dollars weekly, and that didn't count the under the table transactions that I knew were illegal but all businesses of that caliber partook in. It also probably meant that Kevin was taking money under the table, but I kept that to myself. I have always had a very jaded outlook on others. It also meant he was Kevin Jacobs and that at thirty two, he was the youngest CFO in the company's history. I had read an article on him while in the hospital in Santa Fe. How ironic.

"What are you doing at a place like this?" I asked knowing full well his style probably ran more to the high end parties and not the clubs. Unless he was akin to a John and used the clubs to find a nightly whore without company repercussions, he really didn't have much business being here.

"I'm a friend of Matt's." I looked at him as if to ask _How so? _"He called me in a few years ago for some side investments he wanted to make. I helped get him squared away." They'd been rubbing each other's backs since. Tit for tat. I understood the game. I even played in it daily. Still, I could feign stupid or I could show understanding. Sine he already knew I was an attorney, I went with intellect.

Usually, a smart woman scared the men off. It meant we knew their game and were on to them. With Kevin, however, that only seemed to draw him in. I let him talk to me for a good thirty minutes before I pretended to lament over my empty drink. I stood to get more, and he took my glass. "I'll get more," he said. I narrowed my eyes. Like Hell he would. CFO or not, I didn't trust him not to drop something in my drink. I was sexually unhealthy, not stupid. I knew what he wanted. And, if in half an hour, he hadn't made much progress, then he ought to have known he probably wouldn't make much progress with me.

I let him walk to the bar, waiting until his back was fully to me before I skipped out of the seating area and onto the dance floor itself. The goal was to simply get away from him. I had not thought far enough ahead to think about the press of bodies so close to me I thought I could inhale them and make them part of me. My stomach flip flopped, and I got dizzy. Panting, I leaned up against the wall and tried to scoot my way out of the crowd. Tears crept into my eyes. My heart hammered. All I wanted was out, and I was so close to screaming. My hands went up over my head, my ears, trying to press their sounds out. I could feel myself sinking onto the floor.


	21. Chapter 21

I was crouched on the dance floor with my hands over my ears, eyes squeezed shut when a hand under my arm pulled at me. I went up, not knowing who it was. It took everything in me not to lash out and fight. "Casey," the voice came over my body. It was a woman's voice, and I looked up. My vision blurred with tears, but I still vaguely recognized her. The last time I had seen her, she had been dressed in an Armani suit. Now, she was cat woman.

"Kale." I took her hand and let her lead me outside.

"Are you okay?" she asked as I gulped down fresh air, my body shaking. "Shit, Casey. Are you alright?"

I nodded. "Yea. I'm fine. It was just too much in there, that's all. Thanks for rescuing me." I leaned against the railing, pulling cool air into my lungs in desperation.

"Casey?" a man's voice called over the night. "Are you okay? I turned around and you were gone."

Kale gave me the look women give other women, a silent question as to whether or not he was my date. Did I want him there? I shook my head in the negative and she stepped between me and him. "Can I help you?" she asked, her arms folded across her chest, tone possessive.

I watched him smile as I composed myself. "I'm just checking on Casey."

"She's fine. Who are you?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. She was being short, possessive, and rude. It was a good tactic for getting people to back off.

Kevin also did not seem to know how to handle rude. "I'm fine, Kevin. Thank you for checking. I'm going to stay out here for a little while. It's too loud and hot in there." I was dismissive, but he tried to walk around Kale to me. Kale, thank God, moved with him. He frowned, not really understanding why some random woman was behaving that way towards him. Then again, I was also just some random woman.

Hoping I had read Kale right and that she wouldn't mind, I twisted and stepped up against her body line, one arm wrapping around her waist, the other at her hip as I lay my head into her shoulder. I rubbed my cheek into her neck as though leaving my scent against her skin. "Really, I'm fine." I looked up at him, Kale curling her hand around my exposed cheek. "Thank you for the conversation, but I really don't swing that way."

Kevin looked between us and frowned before turning and walking away. I could see the anger tight in his shoulders. He was not a man accustomed to being turned down, and I had not been a conciliation prize. When the door closed behind him, I pulled away from the other lawyer. "Thank you."

She shrugged and leaned against the railing. "No prob. You sure you're okay."

"Yea." I nodded to the door. "You know the owner?"

"Matty? Sure. We went to school together all the way through high school. I'm his attorney. I don't normally do client parties, but he can be persuasive." She shrugged again. "Anyway, I'm glad I did. His gigs usually turn out fun. How do you know him?"

"College," I answered. "I was a bride's maid at his wedding."

I watched Kale close her eyes and try to imagine that day so long ago. "Okay," she said. "I remember. You were on the bottom step."

"Damn." My voice was low, but I saw her smile.

"I was on the groom's side."

I laughed. "That was you? Holy shit. Half the night, I thought you were a man."

"That was the point," she said, and she laughed, too. "I hadn't embraced my femininity at that point."

I indicated her costume. "You have now."

"I learned I can still be the provider and not be the man," she said with a half hearted shrug as though there were so much more to that story. "What a small fucking world."

"Tell me about it." She paused and regarded me. "You don't really like a lot of noise, do you?"

I shook my head. "No. I was trying to be a good friend. I've kind of blown it the last couple of years."

She nodded. "Wanna go someplace quiet?" she asked. "I know an Italian restaurant nearby that even on Halloween isn't going to be loud."

"Sure."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I sat back in the booth, eyes half closed, and listened to the soft melody cascading through the restaurant. Kale had been right. It was quiet, even when the world outside was loud and chaotic. It turned out Kale must have been a regular because despite our costume garb, the maitre d' let us in and sat us immediately much to the annoyance of some of the people sitting in the waiting area. It wasn't an insanely fancy place, but definitely somewhere appropriate for business meetings as well as very impressive dates and anniversaries. She had taken the mask off and combed her hair around her face. With nearly black hair, dark brown eyes, and pale skin, I felt like she should have the fangs.

"You were absolutely right, Kale," I said, "This place is lovely."

She laughed. "I dated the head chef for a while."

"Oh?" I sat up a little. "What happened?"

"We both had too much talent in our respective careers not to be married already to our jobs. It left little room on the side for a relationship." I nodded. I didn't understand. I had married my job to avoid the relationship. Though, now, I was thoroughly wedded to my work, and I didn't foresee anything romantic happening with me any time soon. I had too many issues to work through. "You know, you're the first lawyer to make me concede since I made junior partner?"

I smirked. "I'm just that fucking talented," I said. I picked up my glass of water and took a small sip, watching her eyes. Why was it that I was suddenly much more comfortable flirting with a woman than I was a man? Had something changed in me because I didn't trust men anymore? Or, had something merely been awoken – had I been forced to look at a part of myself that I had never actually acknowledged?

"Yea, you are." She met my eyes, and her own were dripping with sex. It was the kind of look only a woman could wear that screamed sex without actually requiring it. I had seen those eyes in the mirror in my own dilation and in Alex's.

I bit my lower lip. "I'm broken, Kale," I said. She looked at me strange. "I just got out of a bad relationship. I'm not a good one night stand, and you don't want to deal with me on a regular basis."

She smiled. "Anyone talking about security as much as you did who also has a panic attack in the middle of a crowd definitely just got out of a bad relationship. I didn't mean to spook you, Casey, but you are very attractive. I couldn't help myself." There was something in her voice that challenged, but there was something else, too, that was just peacefully there. "Can I ask what happened?"

I shrugged. "He tried to kill me. Turns out how he went about it is a federal offense." Her eyes widened. There were few attempted homicides that the feds got involved in, and I knew she drew the obvious conclusion – he had transported me across state lines. Technically, and states he drove me through had equal jurisdiction on the attempted homicide and kidnapping. Most of them wouldn't go after him since the federal government was, but if they hadn't one of them would have stepped up.

"Jesus, Casey. A true blue bad guy. I'm so sorry." I couldn't meet her eyes. "Hey, it's okay to be freaked. I would be. I don't know many people who wouldn't be." She paused and smiled at me as I glanced back her direction. "I would never consider you a one night stand, by the way."

I laughed as the tension broke. "Aren't you a smooth talker," I teased.

"I can be," she said with a smile. "You think we should head back to the party?"

I shrugged. "Should? Yea. Want to?" I looked at her.

"If it helps, I think Mr. Big Shot found some other unfortunate soul in the club and probably talked her home."

"I'm sure," I said. "Just – crowds."

She nodded. "I'll protect you from the throngs of people. We don't have to dance, Casey, but I think Terry might take offense to us dipping out so early." She was probably right, and I sighed. "You don't have to, Casey. I didn't mean-"

"No," I interrupted. "You're right. I told Theresa that I would come to her party, and I left half an hour in. For getting back into the swing of friendships, I'm starting out pretty shitty." I sounded defeated when I said it. Even I noticed that much. I kind of hated how much like a victim I sounded, just plain defeated by the world. I needed to pick myself back up and get back in the fight.

Kale smiled softly. "Casey, you don't have to. I'm sure she'll understand that you needed some space." She frowned. "I didn't mean to make you feel like an ass. I'm sorry." She reached a hand out to me as if asking forgiveness and I took it. It wasn't her fault. "Wanna just go for a walk instead?"

"Yea," I murmured. That sounded fantastic.

She motioned for the check and the waiter brought it over, handing it to her. I tried to give her my card for at least my portion, though I offered to pay the whole thing. She wouldn't take it for either. "I've got it, Casey. Let me at least treat you to dinner, especially after being so insensitive."

Since I was going to lose the battle anyway, I acquiesced. As I would expect from any attorney worth their salt, she offered a miniature smile of triumph. She had won negotiations, mostly by keeping me from the ability to pay since the waiter seemed amused at our little argument but sided with Kale. As I tucked my card back in my shoe, I noticed the glint in Kale's eyes as she watched me. "See something you like, Counselor?" I teased.

She laughed. "God, Casey, you're something else. You know that?"

I did, but I didn't.

She paid, we left, and I leaned against her slightly as we walked away from the restaurants and bars of the street. She wrapped an arm around me. "You're awfully affectionate."

"Like a cat," I purred.

She snickered. "So, you want something?"

It was my turn to laugh. "Last cat I had was usually affectionate when he did something wrong," I said with a smile.

"What did you do wrong?"

I frowned, thinking. "I flirted then turned you down," I finally said, realizing why I felt guilty.

"You're still flirting, Casey," she pointed out. "I don't mind. You're a nice person. Even if all you need right now is a friend, I wouldn't be opposed."

I stood up straight and looked at her. "Really? That easy?"

She shrugged. "I'm not a difficult person."

"You're a lawyer. That's the definition of difficult, Kale."

"Okay, okay. Take me out of my snake skin, though, and I'm a decent human being." She looked at me as I shivered in the night air. "Your costume doesn't leave much for warmth, does it?" I shook my head. She grabbed my hand and pulled me across the street. I hadn't even been paying attention to where we were going, but the coffee shop we ducked into was one of the twenty four hour shops near the police precinct. After hours, it catered mostly to cops, but tonight, it was full of cops and costumes.

The two night baristas recognized me immediately. "Casey!" one of them exclaimed. She was nineteen and in college at NYU. We often talked about her hopes of getting into law school. I had even told her that I would help her prep for the LSAT and gave her my business line for when she was ready.

"Christine," I answered back with a smile. "They've got you working tonight?"

"It's a Friday," she said with a shrug. "Raspberry white hot chocolate?" I nodded. I normally had a mocha, but with the baby, I was trying to not drink caffeine. Chocolate still had some caffeine, but not nearly as much and the doctor had said hot chocolate was alright in smaller portions. "And, your friend?"

I stepped aside to let Kale order. "What are you tonight?" Christine asked me, looking over my skimpy outfit. I flashed fang and she pretended to be terrified. "Nice. I like it. The hot vamp look is all the rage. Especially when you're already hot." I laughed. "And, cat woman. I feel like we need to have little bottles of vodka for adult trick or treating."

Kale laughed. "I'd trick or treat in that case," she mused.

"I bet you would," I said with a smirk as I looked over at her. I decided on two things right there. The first was that my ability to flirt with appropriate men sucked. Kevin was an asshole. Tony was a pervert. And, the women I flirted with all tended to be attorneys. Okay, so I had only flirted with two women and both were attorneys, but it was the making of a pattern. I frowned, though, as I watched Kale. Was I bisexual? Aristophane never mentioned anything about that.

Kale nudged me. "Hey, serious lady, why are you so serious all of a sudden?"

"Huh?" I said, shaking my hand as Christine handed me my cocoa. "Thanks, love." I followed Kale to a corner table with only one chair. She leaned against the wall and offered me to sit down. I shook my head. I was alright standing. Standing took more energy which meant I could warm up faster. At least, that was the plan. "I was just thinking."

"Yea. I noticed." She laughed as she slid into the chair. "Thinking is bad for you."

I frowned playfully. "It does yield far more trouble than it's worth some days."

We warmed up mostly in silence, but after about ten minutes, I set my cup on the table and sat down in Kale's lap, one arm wrapped around her. She didn't question it, merely wrapped her arms around me to keep me from sliding off the incline of her legs. The silence continued, but it was comfortable. Really, I didn't know what to say to her or what to ask, though I was curious about her life. I just didn't want to share mine. Tit for tat. It was an attorney's game. Then again, maybe it would be possible to simply step away from the game for just a little while, not be an attorney for the night.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Kale had parked at the club that night, and I hugged her goodbye. "I just want to go in and tell Terry I'm sorry for playing hookey."

"I can wait and give you a lift home, Casey. It's a Hell of a lot cheaper than a cab." I shook my head. "Alright. Then, at least call me when you get home so I know you're safe."

I grinned. "Same to you."

Ducking back in the club, I sighed. It was about as crowded, but after the past three hours, I felt calm enough to head back in. Theresa was near the doorway hugging Mike, a mutual friend who had gone off to medical school the same year I went to law school. He was a pediatrician now, and it looked like he was enjoying his life. The laugh lines around his eyes were genuine.

Tony was not at the door, but Liam was. He, like me, had truly red hair. And, unlike Tony, he checked the list even though he knew me. Mostly, it was for show. It was barely midnight, and the clubs would only get busier over the next hour or so. He waved me in, Theresa waiting behind him once she saw me. "I nearly called search and rescue, Casey," she drawled when I was close enough to hear her. "You ducked out. Kevin said you went home."

"I went for a walk with Kale."

"Ah, you two know each other?" I nodded, not elaborating. "Where is the minx?"

"She really did go home. I guess she's meeting with a client in the morning." I shrugged. "Not Matty, I hope?"

"No. Not Matty. Besides, when was the last time you knew him to get in trouble?"

"It's not criminal trouble with Matt, Theresa, it's civil shit." I shuddered, making a face. She laughed. Theresa had her MBA from NYU and put it to good use. Between the two of them, they owned more entertainment hot spots in the city than any other family or individual did.

Theresa waved her hand. They had always been able to deal with it. Matt was in charge of the licenses, but he was also an airhead which meant that the licenses sometimes expired and Theresa was left scrambling last minute to get it all together. "I hired a secretary. So far, he's keep him glued together better than I ever could have done."

I laughed. It did not miss me that Terry had hired a male secretary. She always was jealous around other women when it came to Matt. Then again, as in love as they were, Matt had always been a flirt. "So, where's that horrible man of yours?" I frowned. "Oh, come on, Casey. You can't still be defending his honor?"

"No. It's not that." I sighed. "We split up. Last I heard, he's somewhere in Colorado." Florence ADMAX to be precise. It wasn't so much that that was where he needed to be held, but it was the best opening they had while the US Marshals and the Department of Defense went head to head before a judge to determine who got jurisdiction. Neither would bow out. If DoD got it, David walked and Alex and I were both at stake. US Marshals wanted Alex to be available to testify against Zapata and Conners if needed, and me to testify against David. But, the DoD would argue national secrets – which, depending on the judge might strengthen the case for the Marshals. I didn't believe in aliens, but the X-Files made government conspiracy look like truth. And, I wouldn't put it past the government of a major nation. What happens in microcosms happens in macrocosms just as equally.

"Good," Theresa scoffed. "They need to deploy him to Hell and leave him there." I smiled. The Southern lady always knew just what to say to put a smile on my face. "Sugar, I'm glad you finally agree."

I shrugged. Her brow furrowed. "Come on, Lady. Enjoy the rest of the night. I think Tony's still hanging out hoping you'll come back. Something about strawberry lip gloss." I went bright red and looked at my feet. That was something I was hoping to avoid. "You deserve a night of fun, Casey. Hell, we've been waiting for over a year for you to actually come out with the gang."

"Yea. I kind of got tied up at work."

"Work my ass," she said. I gave her a dark look. She let things drop. "Anyway, come on up to the second floor. It's somewhat quieter. We're revisiting college games."

"Dear God. Sam's already wasted, huh?" Samantha Stephens could down more alcohol than anyone else I knew, and in college when drinking games were suggested, she was always the last to pass out but the first to get wasted. How she did it was beyond me. I chalked it up to German genetics. She chalked it up to practice. She had been in her parents liquor cabinet since she was twelve.

Theresa giggled. "You know it." She trotted up the stairs and I followed her at a slower pace.


	22. Chapter 22

His mouth crashed over mine as I backed into the kitchen counter, his shirt twisted in my hands. Without my heels on, he was taller than I was by a couple of inches, enough that I could feel him pressed against my stomach as he pushed me harder into the counter, trying to eat his way through me. I had to admit, he could use a kissing tutor. I kept having to redirect his mouth so that it fit right, taking the lead where he obviously had little experience. I wondered if he ever kissed the women he fucked or if he just fucked them.

My shirt had gotten lost somewhere in the living room, and he reached around my back to pull my bra off, leaving that in the kitchen. His hands and fingers scraped over my breasts, pulling at the nipples until I tipped my head back and cried out. Definitely one of the men who did not understand that silence could be a good thing from the right kind of woman. Mentally, I groaned. Who teaches men that louder is better? Seriously? Do men only learn from pornography where the women artificially scream? I broke his kiss to move his hand back. He had been trying to make me into a pancake, and I just didn't go that way. "Too hard," I muttered. "Ease up." He did, his mouth joining his fingers. His hands slid to my waist, and he lifted me onto the counter top.

I hadn't meant for any of this to happen. I really hadn't. We'd been at the club, and it turned out Tony was nicer than Kevin and less obviously perverted drunk. Actually, I thought some of it might have been an act as a bouncer. He seemed genuinely nice. He was twenty eight and though I kept thinking of him as a kid, I really couldn't. He was four month younger than I was. He wouldn't have been able to charm his way past my door, but towards the end of the night, I had gotten moody. And, by moody, I mean that I went over all the reasons in my head that I was this horrible person. Mostly, it had to do with the fact that knowing I would never be able to see her again, I let Alex play nice with me. I'd even gotten attached to her and gotten her attached to me. It seemed highly unfair and cruel on my part. By the end of the night, walking out to catch a cab, I had reduced myself to little more than a whore.

And, every good whore needs a John. Technically, Tony wasn't paying for anything, but I had brought him in with the sole intention of fucking him. Not even having sex, straight fucking. There was a difference. Sex is what I had come damn near close to having with Alexandra. Fucking was what I had done my entire life up to that point. I knew how to fuck, and I knew how to detach myself from the entire thing.

I grabbed a fistful of Tony's hair in my hand and forced him to look up at me. "I want you to fuck me so hard it hurts," I told him, my eyes dark with self loathing. His were dark, too, but for a different reason. I saw them flash darker as he smiled the smile only men get when they know they get to play without reservation. He got off on inflicting pain. Great. Just fucking great. But, I deserved it. I could mentally handle punishment because David had groomed me for it. God, I needed therapy.

He pulled me off the counter, and I lost my skirt and undies to the kitchen floor. His shirt followed somewhere in that mess. "I can do that," he hissed along my skin. "How are you at sucking cock?" He pushed me down to my knees before him and I made quick work of his belt and jeans. Seeing him out and hard and feeling him bare flesh to flesh under my hand made me want to gag. I swallowed it back though, rolled my eyes up to meet his and just let go of any control I wanted. I had been right earlier, though. Having himself sucked by a redhead just did it for him.

By the time I wound up clinging to my couch while he did me from behind, I had checked out. It was no longer painful. My body adjusted to being penetrated quickly enough. But, it wasn't pleasurable, either. I'd made him wear a condom. I wasn't worried about pregnancy, just STDs. His body rocked mine so hard, I was sure I would go over the couch. I was moaning and yelping and repeating lines I knew were in porn movies – David had made me watch as a means of teaching me what he liked – despite having made myself mentally absent. I wasn't enjoying myself, and anyone who knew me would have known as much.

He left shortly after he was done. I didn't throw him out per se, only told yawned and made a show of being sleepy. He had kissed me goodnight and left without complaints. I also had his number if I wanted to call him again. Yes. Every good prostitute needs a John. I showered, hating myself for what I had just done. Hating myself for being in New York. Hating myself for being who I was. I just hated who I thought I had become, and I didn't know why I was this way. In the end, I had wound up in a ball on the floor of my shower sobbing.

I fell asleep on the couch that night having deemed myself not clean enough to sleep in a bed. The teddy and the dog I had slept with nightly since obtaining them sat on the bed as well. Alexandra Cabot deserved so much better, and I couldn't hang on to her knowing I would never be good enough.

It was a pattern that continued all weekend at three different bars with four other men. I hated myself more each time, but I knew I did it to feel normal. My life had not been good with David, but I had adjusted to it. Now, without the abuse, my life was good but not normal, at least not for me. By Monday morning when I slumped into my desk at work, I felt worn down, defeated, and had bruises spanning both the interior and exterior of my body. Without David to hurt me, I had proven in a weekend that I was quite capable of hurting myself. It would have to work in substitute, and I would have to deal with the consequences at a later time because work summoned me.

Work summoned me right into a courtroom at ten o'clock sharp on a sentencing hearing. Olivia Benson met me outside of the courthouse doors to walk in with me. For this case, she had been lead detective and since it had been one of the cases I had inherited from Cabot, I had asked her to advise on the case. "Novak, you okay? You look-" She looked me over. "Well, like shit."

"Good morning to you, too, Olivia," I said as I trotted up the stairs, not even slowing down. Slowing down meant thinking about it, and thinking about it meant risking being sick.

She caught up easily. Of course. She was much more in shape than I was. "Casey, you've got bruises on your neck."

"Fuck, Olivia. I can't do this right now. Fuck off," I snapped, turning to stare at her. She looked at me bewildered, and I left her standing on the steps as I sought out a bathroom to reapply makeup.

The bathroom door opened and Olivia slunk in, locking it behind her. The doors were the old fashioned kind so rarely found in somewhere so public as a restroom any more, but they locked from the inside by a turn knob and the outside by a key. "Casey, I'm sorry."

I turned to look at her. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. Can you see them now?"

She shook her head. "You're good. What happened this weekend?"

I sighed. "I wasn't kidding. I can't talk about this right now." Not without crying, anyway. Never in my life did I want to be held more but was too afraid of touch. I hadn't been clean when Alex had me because David had tainted me. Now, I was dirty because I had tainted me. One I had a hope of repairing. The latter, though, I could never truly be rid of.

Olivia leaned against the door not quite blocking me from leaving because I knew she would move if I fled, but still the illusion was there. "Fine. Intervention after sentencing."

Reluctantly, I nodded. "Alright," I agreed. "If it'll get you off my back about it, you can try."

She smiled wide. "I'm your favorite monkey, Novak." If it were true, I would have said she was my only monkey. But, since that didn't even touch the truth in any way shape or form, I let it go. The detective gave me a strange look. "After," she said, reaching out a hand to me to take and pull me out of the restroom.

I rolled my eyes, unlocking the door behind her. "You keep telling yourself that."

I strode down the hall to her calling "Novak!" behind me.

I beat Olivia to the courtroom. Here, the difference between evil and good was clean cut. Evil stood in rows of jumpsuits in some courtrooms. In this one, he sat behind a table with his defense attorney between him and me. "Richard," I addressed the public defender, "I trust you received the pre-sentencing investigation in a timely manner?"

He scowled at me. "And, I'll be objection probation's recommendation. He's a first time offender, Casey."

I shrugged. "Who nearly suffocated the victim and then lit her on fire. Somehow, I don't think she's the first person he's raped. That's awfully creative for a first time offender."

"We established the fire was an accident, Novak, caused by knocking over a candle in her house."

I shook my head. "I have a hard time taking the word of a rapist."

The defendant took that moment to pipe up and snap at me. "You fucking white, judgmental bitch," he snarled. "You come in here so high and fucking mighty. You have no idea what it's like for people like me."

"What?" I said, tipping my head. "Can't get laid by a white whore, so you just rape her? Is that it? You're so down-trod in this country that it makes everything okay?" He lunged at me. The defense attorney, Richard, caught him around the waist. Olivia yanked me behind her.

"I wouldn't have been convicted if the bitch hadn't lied. I didn't rape her. She said yes."

"Yes with a knife to her throat isn't yes, Edwardo," I snapped.

"Children," Olivia hissed. She practically threw Edwardo back into his seat. "You stay the fuck there. One more word, you got me?" He looked up at her like he'd just been slapped by a child. To him, women couldn't boss him around, but Olivia was clearly stronger and more able to defend herself. "Casey, pow wow."

She drew me to the back of the courtroom and through the doors to a victim/witness room, shutting the door behind her. The anger in her stance and her voice made me flinch. "What about this case has you this worked up? And, no, not later. Now. Because if that shit happens again in the courtroom, he's walking the streets by midnight, I don't care which judge is on the bench."

Sheepish, I sank into one of the chairs. "I'm sorry, Olivia. That was inappropriate. I shouldn't have let him get to me."

Her face went soft, like she couldn't be mad at me while I looked so small. "What happened, Casey? Talk to me. All this keeping it inside is eating you up. I don't give a damn about the gag order. You need to talk to someone."

Folding my hands into my lap, I stared at them for several seconds. I would open my mouth to say something, then close it again only to repeat the motion. Finally, after several false starts, I managed to get something out. "David put a gun to my head once and told me to fuck some of his friends in the Corps. I said yes under coercion. David never let me live it down that I was some high bred white whore for doing all of them at once. I was so scared I was going to die, I would have done anything, Olivia. Anything." My voice was a whisper as I told her what had happened on the basic level. I did not want to go into details.

Her hand cautiously covered mine as she squatted down in front of me. "Casey, he let those men rape you. Nothing about that makes you a whore. You did what you needed to in order to survive, and that's okay. The most important thing is that you did survive."

I shook my head. "I can't do this, Olivia. I can't be your prosecutor and deal with my own rape at the same time."

"Tell Branch you can't," Olivia said. "Casey, honey, the squad knows you were sexually assaulted. We won't hold it against you."

"Branch doesn't know." I shook my head. "I don't want him to. What if he puts me back in white collar? After seeing this, Olivia, I can't go back to that. Who the fuck cares about money? This is where the real work lies, where the law most needs to be laid down and rapists need to be punished. I'm tired of the victims being punished. I'm tired of being punished and pitied. If I am, then so are the other women."

"If not now, when? If not me, who?" she said, her thumb rubbing over the back of my hand softly.

I nodded. "Exactly."

"I admire you, Casey. I really do. You can always talk to me, but you don't have to. Just promise me you'll start talking to someone. I can't stand to watch you bubble over like this. It's okay to ask for help." She squeezed my hand. I squeezed back, nodding. "Do you think you can go in there and get through this hearing okay? Then, we can go get coffee, get you some space from this case."

"Sounds doable," I murmured. "Thank you, Olivia. And, thanks for getting me out of there." I sucked in a deep breath and stood up, smoothing my suit and rubbing my fingers lightly under my eyes to check for any smeared mascara. I hadn't shed a tear, but sometimes, my mascara smeared when I wrinkled my eyes to prevent from crying. And, I couldn't remember if I had done that or not.

My fingers came away clean, and I stepped back into the courtroom. "Are you ready, Miss Novak?" the judge asked, having already stepped into the room from chambers.

I swallowed. I hated missing the judge enter. It made me look so ill prepared. "Yes, Your Honor."

"I trust this court isn't wasting your valuable time?"

"No, Your Honor, my apologies. A victim in another case had an emergency that needed to be addressed promptly." Which, by the way, wasn't a lie. It just so happened that it was my case and my mental breakdowns which had been happening almost back to back this week. I didn't know what more was wrong with me that hadn't already been wrong at the beginning of the week. Perhaps it was just the constant strain had finally caught up. I glanced at Richard. He didn't say a word about the spat I had with the defendant. He was planning on appealing the conviction, and the defendant had all but admitted to sexual assault during our match.

"Well, then, I suppose you better start with your requests in sentencing in this matter, Miss Novak, so we can get on our way."

I nodded. "Yes, Your Honor. Thank you. The People in this case are requesting a minimum of six years incarceration. Despite this being the defendant's first felony offense, as Your Honor can see by the pre-sentencing investigation, this defendant has a violent background with misdemeanor assault convictions from three counties in New York State. He has also been evaluated at a low rate of success in counseling and treatment usually standard for sex offenders. The defendant has shown no remorse for his actions and has made excuses several times that indicate he takes no responsibility for what happened."

"Mr. Garrison, do you have anything to add?" The judge said as I sat down. His gaze traveled to the defense table looking every bit as unhappy with Richard as he had looked with me. That was a plus. I wasn't the only one who had pissed him off that day.

Richard cleared his throat. "As a matter of fact, Your Honor, I find the People's request to be outrageous. Mr. Garcia has a job in the community by which he supports his family here and sends money home to Mexico every month to help feed his extended family there. Mr. Garcia is the sole provider in the household, and the children and his wife look to him for support. Mr. Garcia is a legal immigrant, has no history of narcotics abuse as the People claimed during trial, and even his assault charges were dropped to the least degree chargeable because he was clearly defending his family during those charges. He completed probation on the last of those charges six months before this alleged assault happened. And, the reason my client has not shown remorse or taken responsibility for the alleged assault is because my client maintains that he is innocent of raping Ms. Roberts. My client regrets that a night of consensual intercourse ended in this manner and that Ms. Roberts abused the People in prosecution and that this has had an impact on his relationship with his wife due to his infidelity. While defense intends to appeal this case, Your Honor, a probation sentence would serve the community best in this case."

I rolled my eyes, ducking my head so the judge couldn't see. "I have no questions of either of you," the judge said. "Mr. Garcia, do you have anything you want to add?" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, please speak up for the microphones."

"No, Your Honor."

"Very well. I hereby sentence you to a minimum of four years incarceration with a maximum of twenty five years. I also fine you 4,500 dollars in court costs and 5,000 dollars in victim restitution. If you are released after four years, Mr. Garcia, you will be released on parole until your restitution and fines and costs are paid in full. Am I understood?"

"Yes, Your Honor," he mumbled. He sounded like he hadn't expected such a lengthy stay in corrections. I wondered if Richard had gotten his hopes up. I didn't necessarily pity him, but that sucked. I would have been pissed if my attorney gave me false hope.


	23. Chapter 23

**-A/N: My deepest apologies. Turns out I was not as better as I thought I was. I'm still working on healing, but I'm healing which is nice. And, I have a lot of time to write... Which also means I threw out the last five chapters (nothing I posted) and rewrote a different line as I didn't really care for where it was headed. Casey/Alex love coming up, but bear with the story for a few more chapters before we see our passionate, caring blond again. **

Olivia sat across my kitchen table from me. She had not let me pay for her coffee and my cocoa, and when I nearly broke out in tears over it, we had decided this conversation was probably best to happen either in my apartment or somewhere else private that was neither the police precinct nor the District Attorney's office. I was fiddling with the lid to my cup, tearing small strips of plastic from it, trying to listen to what Olivia was saying. "Casey, are you even paying attention?" she asked me.

I looked up at her. "Not really," I said. "Something about venting."

She exhaled slowly, and I thought she might be counting to ten. I was somewhat aggravating, and I knew it. She had every right to get mad. "Casey, what are you thinking about?"

Sighing, I leaned back. "God, Olivia, where do I start?" I shook my head. "I gave the Marshals all of the facts. What more is there?"

"Your emotional response," Olivia suggested. "Like, the throwing up all of the time, the freaking out in public, the wild look to your eyes when someone approaches you too fast." I blushed. "I notice it, Casey. Others do, too. Kid, we're here for you."

"I'm scared," I admitted. "I'm afraid that I don't deserve the good things that are happening in my life right now. I deserved what David did to me, Olivia. I'm not a good person, and that's my punishment." She didn't try to convince me otherwise. In fact, she didn't say anything. "I feel better abusing myself, hence the bruises. I didn't do them myself, but I might as well have. I've turned into something I don't think I am, but David accused me of being a whore, and it's a whore I've become. I don't even know how to start going about fixing myself."

I looked up at her from my lap when she was silent for a long time. I half expected her to be surprised. She wasn't. She was just looking at me. "Casey," she finally said, "you are not a whore. It is perfectly normal to act out sexually. David abused you. Abuse became your normal." I stared at her, almost surprised that someone else had said it. It didn't seem so ridiculous that someone else said it, too.

"I guess." I shrugged. "I'm just overwhelmed by all of this."

"As well you should be, Case. This isn't supposed to be something people are equipped to handle in every day life. There's a reason SVU handles the cases we do. It's okay to fall apart a little bit, Casey. Have you thought about counseling?"

I nodded. "I plan on it after the trial is over." The US Attorney's office was pushing for the trial to come quickly. Defense was stalling somewhat. The judge had denied the Department of Defense jurisdiction in all matters though had allowed the not at fault defense after he had tested positive for hallucinogens and amphetamines. It made me wonder what the Hell the government thought PTSD was because hallucinogens would not help. If what I had was PTSD when I had panic attacks, then I knew for sure that whatever they were giving David exacerbated the problem, not fixed it. I wondered about the other soldiers being given the medication. Were they beating their wives, or did David start out mean and just get meaner?

"The trial might be dragged out for years, Casey. Do you think you should wait that long?"

I sighed and slid down in the chair. "I don't think I can wait that long." Shaking my head, I folded my hands over my stomach and watched the detective. She just watched me back, silent. Beneath her silence, though, I could feel her anger. It flowed off her, though it didn't seem directed at me. I curled my hands on my abdomen and let out a long sigh. "You're right."

She tipped her head. "About what, Casey?"

"I'm pregnant." I felt the tears I had been fighting slide free.

"Casey, I'm so sorry."

I sat up straight and drew my feet up on the chair, my hands covering the arches of my feet to keep them there. I laid my head on my legs and just cried. I cried in a way that I hadn't quite cried since the positive HPT three months ago. I had been torn six ways to Hell over the baby initially, swearing up and down that I would get an abortion. I had been conflicted, but I had a plan. I couldn't cry over a plan, not like this. Then, plans had changed, but I still had a plan and I had my own secret. Medical staff and David aside, no one had known. Now, someone else did. And, the type of tears that came out came out with the knowledge that it wasn't my secret any more. Someone else shared my burden.

I looked over to Olivia when I felt a hand cover my wrist very softly. "I wasn't going to say anything until I absolutely had to, but I don't know what I'm doing. Everything is just too much."

For a few seconds, she was quiet, as though making sure I was done. When she was sure I was, she pulled her chair closer to mine and leaned up against my legs, her fingers running up and down my calf in a soothing gesture. It actually did make me feel better. "It's okay to let it out, Casey. It really is." She paused again. When I didn't say anything, she continued, "So, you're about three months?"

"Yea."

"Are you keeping the baby?" she asked me. We both knew abortion was not on the table any more.

I shook my head. "I have a meeting tomorrow with prospective adoptive parents. I'm going through an agency." I sucked on my lower lip. "I don't think I could keep a child under these circumstances, Olivia. I'm not emotionally stable enough for one. But, what if she looks more like him? Could I really cope with that? Could I make my child suffer my fears and insecurities because she was born? That hardly seems fair." I saw the look of pain flash through her eyes and I cringed. "I'm sorry. I sound like an ass. See? I'm already a bad mother."

"You are not," she said with a warm smile. "You're thinking about what's best for this child in the long run. And, if you don't think that's being with you, then you're making the best decision."

"Thanks," I mumbled, not quite sure if it really made me feel better.

I sat in silence with the detective for several moments until my phone rang. Quickly, I wiped my face of tears and scrambled out of the chair to my bag, Olivia sitting back rapidly to get out of my way. "Novak," I answered.

"Casey, it's Elliot. Do you have time to come by the station? One of the unis arrested a walk in turn in this morning who FTA'd on one of Cabot's cases." He sounded detached. Technically, the man had a warrant for his arrest and could be held until he paid the bond on it or he met with a judge who dismissed it and either gave him a new bond or remanded him. Stabler really wasn't in a rush to get me there, so I figured it was a high or no bond warrant because unless it was a low bond, most people sat in jail for at least a night.

"Yea, not a problem. I can head that way here soon. Which case?" I grabbed a pen to jot the case number down. I could look it up briefly on Webcrims or even on the DA's case management program from my laptop before leaving.

"Oh-two-N-Y-fifty-three-one," he said, and finding no paper, I jotted it down on my hand. "Defendant is Tommy Lee Jenkins." I listened intently. Maybe I wouldn't have to look it up, though sometimes I liked to be sure. My predecessor had left very good notes in all of her cases on the case management program. "Alex was prosecuting him for rape one when the defendant up and vanished. Judge was ticked on this one. I remember. We all were. There's no bond on the warrant."

"Great. What does he want from me?" Nothing good.

"He won't say. He just wants to speak to the new ADA on the case. Novak, I've gotta tell you, he's behaving strangely enough, but I've never had a defendant who literally got away just show up after a year to be arrested just to talk to the prosecutor."

I sighed. "It's too much to ask that he just got tired of running?"

"I wish," Elliot scoffed.

"Thanks, detective."

"Hey, you heard from Olivia? I can't reach her."

I frowned. "She's with me. She sat advisement on my hearing this morning. You need to talk to her?"

"Naw. Just bring her with you."

I hung up, filling her in on the pertinent bits. Chances were, she would remember the case. "Tommy Lee Jensen turned himself in and demands an audience. Also, you didn't turn your ringer back on, did you?"

Olivia pulled out her phone. "Apparently not," she said with a hard frown that didn't sit right with me. "You okay to go in there?"

Sighing, I dropped my phone back in my bag. "I haven't got a choice."

My knuckles were white around the pole in the middle of the subway car, and I was barely breathing. Normally, I rode my bike, but when Olivia and I had traveled back to my apartment, my bike had been left at work. At ten thirty, the train hadn't been so packed. Now, at noon,I was having a hard time breathing, there was too little space for air.

My stomach lurched with the train, and I clung even tighter to the metal as though it were my lifeline. A hand touched my shoulder; I jumped almost clean out of my skin. "Casey?" Olivia queried, "are you okay?"

I shook my head, almost gasping for air. Too many nights in closets and what had turned out to be a nearly two day road trip in the trunk of a car had left tight, enclosed places and I on bad terms. I think claustrophobia definitely applied. "No. It's too much. I have to get out of here." Talking was difficult, made worse by the lack of oxygen I was getting from nearly hyperventilating.

The car lurched again, and I clutched my stomach. Olivia grabbed my hand and pulled me from the pole. I clung to her arm as she forced her way through the crowd and onto the platform. Squeezing my eyes shut, I hung on to her, trusting her not to take me someplace worse.

She stopped somewhere and knocked on the door. I opened my eyes just enough to see out of two eyelash ridden slits. A large wooden plaque on a plain wooden door read 'NYPD Transit Police.'

An older, more portly officer opened the door. I felt more than saw Olivia move her jacket, exposing her badge. "I need to get her out of the crowd," she vaguely told him.

"Sure." The man stepped aside. As the door closed behind me, the noise dimmed. It wasn't completely gone, but it was gone enough that I felt that not only was I in a different room, but possibly a different house, as if the party were going on next door. I still could not control my breathing and it took Olivia several times to get me to sit down.

The man held out a paper cup of water, and I took it. "Thanks," I managed, though my hands were shaking so badly that Olivia took the cup when I all but dumped it into my lap.

"You need a medic, sweetheart?" he asked, Jersey accent thick now that I was paying attention. He wore a concerned look on his face, and something about his eyes told me it was genuine.

I shook my head. "I'm okay, thanks."

"Where you ladies headed?" A younger man asked as he stepped out of a side room.

"One six," Olivia replied.

The younger man nodded. I probably had him beat for six or seven years, but his eyes were still sage. I hated to think what had put that wisdom in his eyes. It always came with a price, and for his age, probably a very high one. "Would you prefer a lift? These trains can get crowded, makes it hard to breathe."

My eyes narrowed. People did not offer for free. At least, not in my experience. "You sure?" He nodded. I deferred to Olivia.

"We'd appreciate it," Olivia said. "If that's okay with you, Sergeant?"

"No big deal, detective. Swiss is always available to help out," the older man said.

"Thank you," I muttered.

"Get your barrings first," the younger officer, Swiss, said. "You just let me know when you're ready."

I sat in the same quiet of the office for a few minutes more. It was small, but not horribly so. At least, I could breathe. I liked to breathe. Finally, I nodded to Olivia, and she stood up. Getting back to the surface meant going through the lunch crowd, but I thought I would be okay.

"Officer Swiss?" she questioned, popping her head into the doorway of the other room. "When you're available, we're good."

"I prefer Jake," he said as he joined us.

"Olivia."

"Casey." I stood up and grabbed for Olivia's hand. She gave mine a quick squeeze. I held my breath as we followed Jake out into the crowd. The panic set back in almost impossibly quick, and I found myself pressing up against Olivia's body as though I could crawl inside her and be safe. _Safe, _I thought, _so safe._

In the daylight, the fear sank away. I could breathe in the city air again, and while it didn't smell amazing, it still smelled like freedom, or some version of it. My grip relaxed on Olivia's hand, and I scrambled into the back of the squad car. "You want company?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Space. Lots of space." Nodding, she shut the door and climbed in the front seat, passenger side. I leaned my cheek against the cool glass. I hadn't realized I had been sweating or crying until that point, but I could feel the moisture on my skin against the glass, and as I rolled my eyes up, I caught a glimpse of my red stained cheeks in the side view mirror. I would have to hit the bathroom before the squad room.

Like all traffic in New York, it was slow. A fifteen minute bike ride turned into a half hour long drive. At least, that was what it felt like to me. In reality, it was probably only fifteen minutes. Olivia and Jake chattered low in the front, but it was remarkably easy to tune them out. The officer had also put the radio on softly, on a classical station. It was easier to breathe listening to music without lyrics. I loved acoustical composition.


	24. Chapter 24

When the car stopped, though, and Olivia opened the door, I tore out of the car like my tail had been lit on fire. Vaguely, I heard Olivia call her thanks to the transit cop before she pounded after me. I hit the bathroom hard enough that two female officers followed me in. "Ma'am," one said, "are you okay?"

I threw up the hot chocolate. It was the only thing I had to eat in nearly twenty four hours.

"Casey, Jesus Christ," Olivia said. "We're good, officers, thank you."

I felt them hesitate, but they both left without another word. "You okay?" Olivia asked me. I could hear water running behind me. By the time I realized my eyes were closed, she had pressed the cool, wet paper towel to the back of my hand. Fumbling, I took it and wiped my forehead, then my mouth.

"The baby really doesn't like car rides," I mumbled which sounded fine to me since I had felt nauseated in every car ride since becoming pregnant, even in Alex's car, though I hadn't said anything to her at the time. It hadn't seemed appropriate.

"Okay. You sure you're good for this meeting?"

Straightening myself out, I sighed. "I know I'm not good for it, but what choice do I have? I limited my options by sticking with the unit. I don't regret it, but I have no choice in the matter, not if I also get what I want."

Upstairs, I let Elliot fill me in on the basics of the case. Elliot seemed more irate than normal about it, and when I asked why, he glanced at me. "He's an ex-Marine, and I mean ex-Marine because retired or not, no true Marine would ever do that shit. Not a helpless woman."

Tommy Lee Jensen was thirty four with a high school education and retirement from the Marine Corps at thirty two, after ten years of service. I did not want to handle another Marine Corps asshole. Even Stabler was an ass, though he was a good asshole if that were such a thing. For a Marine, I wasn't afraid of him. Now, though, a small stone of terror dropped into my stomach and rolled about, making me nauseous again.

"Olivia, would you mind standing by in the room?"

"Sure." Olivia led the way to interrogation, walking through the door first.

"Detective Benson," a man's voice met my ears as I hesitated just out of his sight. "Like I told your partner, I'm happy to turn myself in, but I have some rather valuable information for your ADA. Cabot's dead, right? She's the bitch who was prosecuting this case before." I cringed. I didn't know why, but every time someone bad mouthed Cabot, I wanted to hit them.

"What kind of information?" Olivia asked. Her question made me stop at the door and not enter.

"I don't quite know. I'm but the messenger."

I slid through the door, tart remark on my tongue. It froze when I caught his eyes. He took one look at me, eyes sliding over my body in a manner too intimate for my comfort. "What do you want?" I asked. I tried to keep the anger from my voice, but I failed.

"No fucking way. Oh, this is going to be a great case. No matter the verdict, I'm going to see this one all the way through just to see you squirm in your chair, Counselor, with everything that you know."

I nearly snarled. "I'm going to enjoy putting you in prison."

"You two know each other," Olivia said, surprise sliding into her voice. I heard a rap on the glass behind me. I ignored it. Olivia moved to the door. "What's your message?" I snapped.

His voice got quiet so that I had to step closer to hear him. I didn't like being within arm's reach from him, but I knew he wouldn't raise his voice. "He's gonna get you, Casey. He wanted someone to remind you that if he can't have you, he's sure as shit not gonna let some blond whore have you, either." It took everything I had not to hit him first.

Glancing up into the corner of the room, I tipped my head and shook my hair out so that it fell between my lips and the camera. Olivia was standing quietly in the corner, Detective Tutuola with her, but I paid them little mind despite knowing that Don had put them both together to pull Jensen and myself a part if it came down to it. "Did you know," I hissed, "when you tied me up that it was rape?"

A slow smile spread across his lips. It was answer enough, but he gave me verbal confirmation as well. "David told me it took a little persuading. A woman is tupposed to satisfy her man in every way, and, Casey, you were just a bit lacking."

"Did the others know?" I asked, feeling the stone in my stomach grow until I was glad I had nothing in my stomach to throw up. I might have lost it in the interrogation room.

He shook his head. "They're too squeamish. If they'd known how much you were really hurting, they wouldn't have done it."

I could feel myself trembling with rage. My two bodyguards must have noticed something because they stepped forward. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fin unfold his arms. Both of them stood at the ready, prepared for a fight.

His hand covered mine. I jerked away. "David says you're pregnant." His eyes met mine and I shuddered at the sheer darkness in his eyes. "You know, it could be mine." He looked proud.

"Could have been," I said, my voice controlled but only barely. We were still talking too low for the microphone in the room to pick us up. "Or did David not tell you he killed your potential kid? Beat him right out of me."

"Liar," he yelled, coming out of his chair with such a force that I back peddled. I pressed myself flat against the wall, heart like a jack hammer in my chest. Even in his rage, he was careful, predatory. He did not lose control. I felt as though I were face to face with what was truly evil with anger so controlled that it was like a weapon.

The door opened and Cragen and Stabler poured in, Elliot ready to tangle judging from the look in his eyes. A hand on my arm pulled me out of the room. Startled, I stumbled, nearly falling into Detective John Munch. "Jesus, Novak, what did you say to him?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. I said nothing."

He didn't look like he believed me. "What did he say to you?" he asked.

Pressing my lips tight, I looked through the one way mirror as Elliot tightened the handcuffs at Jensen's wrists. "He gave me a name," I said, my voice soft, so soft that I nearly didn't hear myself.

"What does that mean?"

I didn't answer. Even if I would have, I wouldn't have had the time. "Mind telling me what that was about?" Cragen barked at me. I jumped sky high. It was stupid. There was no way Don Cragen would hurt me. Of all the men that surrounded my, the squad's captain was who I was most certain of. I believed that, under certain circumstances, the others could be persuaded to do so, but not him.

I shuddered involuntarily. I hadn't meant to walk down such a dark path, but I had, my brain automatically creating scenarios in which the others might see fit to do me harm. Some, many, scenes were those in which I would not partake and were therefore less plausible. Some were not so outlandish in what had become my reality. No amount of violence seemed entirely unreal anymore. I was a New Yorker in a post nine eleven world and an abuse survivor. All violence was possible. Never pretty, but always possible.

"Casey, you in there?" Fin asked, hand on my shoulder. I flinched away, so close to screaming that it was a wonder I hadn't. "Whoa, Counselor, relax. I ain't gonna hurt you." That one statement said so much. It told me that they knew I was preparing, even unconsciously, to be beaten, told them the extent of the physical hurt was so much more than what they had been told.

"I know. I'm sorry. You just startled me."

"How do you know Jensen?" Olivia asked as she pressed her hands against the wall behind her and leaned back. She gave me cool cop eyes, the eyes she gave people when she knew the truth, or thought she did. I had no idea how much, if anything, she and Fin had overhead.

My hand automatically went to my stomach, protecting what was doubly my most vulnerable area. I must have looked like I was preparing for an attack still, my body defensive, because the next thing anyone said was, "Casey, let's go outside." It was Olivia speaking.

I nodded and ducked out of the squad room with one female and one male detective at my heels. "You heard," I said as the elevator door closed behind Fin. I pressed myself into the back of the elevator, close to Olivia. The elevator was small, but I hadn't wanted to take the stairs. My head swam too much.

"Did he rape you, Casey?" he asked by way of response.

I hugged myself. "I told myself he hadn't because he hadn't known I had been told to fuck him or I'd die. But, he knew. He knew all along, and he enjoyed it anyway." I shivered even in the warm elevator.

Tutuola's anger sloughed off him like a second skin being shed. It seemed to heat the very air in the small box. I made a sound of fright that I could no more control than my heart beating, and he glanced at me, his fists relaxing minutely. "I'm sorry, baby girl." His voice was soft and stilled the air considerably. The 'baby girl' thing was fairly new from him, but I let him do it. He was adopting some big brother traits around me, and I was slowly adapting. I had discovered as long as no one touched me, I was pretty much okay.

"You gonna be able to prosecute him?" he asked. In all things, practical. It made the African American one of my favorite cops ever. Granted, since joining the unit, I had a growing list of officers and detective that I liked. It was a kind of nice feeling, though I hadn't run into all of them because of my work in the unit. Some, I had run in to courtesy of David.

Nodding, I fell silent as the elevator doors opened. I didn't say anything again until I had sucked in some of the New York air. "I have to," I answered. "What he did to me will never make it to trial, Fin. I've gotta made this stick for her. He cannot be allowed to get away with any of this. If one woman steps forward where the rest of us do not, then, I owe it to her to repay her bravery."

Fin gave me this look as though I had said something profound. Maybe I had, but I was coming to find that after all of this, I had no other place at the District Attorney's office than with Special Victims. Heaven forbid something happen. I wouldn't know what to do.


	25. Chapter 25

Sixteen weeks to the day, and I stood outside the adoption agency, leaning on the unmarked squad car, hands over my midsection, unsure if I was going to vomit or pass out. One seemed inevitable at this point, and I wasn't sure which one I preferred.

"Casey?" Olivia said from beside me. I looked over to her knowing I was pale and my eyes were unfocused. "If you can't do this, we can step away."

"I've been avoiding doing this for five weeks. I need to talk to some of these families." My stomach had finally started to swell, though not enough to really make my doctor happy. I could see it and feel it in the snugness of my pants, but apparently other people couldn't. I spent a good twenty minutes trying to convince my doctor that I was gaining weight until my doctor dragged me over to the scale. I had lost five pounds. I hated being proven wrong, but she had sent me out of the office with brand new ultrasound pictures for the two men I was meeting with today who were hoping to become daddies.

Kiwi still hadn't turned so that her sex could be confirmed, but even in my head, it was easier to assume she was female. If it turned out that she was a he, I might break down. I didn't know why, but my gut just told me that I wouldn't be able to handle the news. I didn't want to raise this child, but a part of me had grown attached enough that I knew I was going to be picky on who adopted her. Hopefully, these two men were prepared for some direct questioning. I knew little about them except that one was a stock broker and the other was a banker at the Chase Manhattan branch surprisingly close to my new apartment. If nothing else, I figured they had a good handle on finances and would be able to provide for Kiwi. Hopefully, there was more to them than that, but I really wouldn't hold it against them if there wasn't.

Olivia closed her door and came around to my side of the car, closing my door and wrapping her arms around me. "It's okay to be nervous, Casey. You might not be able to raise this baby, but it's okay to want the best for your child. You're strong. I have faith in you."

I smiled. "Thanks, Olivia." Shaking my hair out, I stood up a little straighter. I had asked Olivia to come with me for emotional support and a second opinion. I was worried about two things. The first would be that I was so desperate to get rid of Kiwi that I would overlook some very important aspects or not ask the right questions. The second was the opposite, that I would pass by a very loving, stable family because I was being too paranoid and judgmental. The detective followed me in about a half step behind, hands in her back pockets looking every bit the bad ass cop I had come to know she could be while at the same time looking every bit the warm, compassionate advocate I also had observed her to be. She was a puzzle and a headache, but, according to her, no more than I was.

I pulled my lime green jacket tighter around me, trying to hide my still flat stomach. The doctor said she wasn't incredibly worried, that the stress would have something to do with my not gaining weight, but she did say that I had two weeks to gain back the five pounds and start putting on weight beyond that or she was going to order bed rest until I did. Bed rest would make me go crazy. But, she had given me a clean bill of health on a warning and sent me on my merry way. I think she was trying to keep my stress about all the things that could go wrong to a minimum. I still didn't know what my medical problems during my first trimester had done to Kiwi, if anything. She seemed to be evolving regularly, though if the surgeries and the whole flat lining thing had messed her neural cortex or her higher brain function, I was going to cry. I didn't doubt someone would love her, but it would just seem too unjust to me. In the grand scheme of things, it seemed wrong that she would pay for my sins.

Alicia was at the door to greet me when I walked in. I had so many false starts at this that I think she was about to give up on me. I finally confessed that I was terrified of picking the wrong family but at the same time that I didn't feel like it was my right to judge people who wanted to love a kid when I was the one giving said kid up. "Casey, hi. How are you?"

"I'm alright. Alicia, this is Olivia. She's my emotional rock in this." I looked to Olivia. "Liv, this is Alicia. She's my adoption counselor."

"Pleasure," Alicia said as she held out a hand to Olivia. "Can I get either of you ladies anything?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Water?" I asked.

"You bet." I led Olivia to Alicia's office. Technically, I knew they had a room where prospective parents meet biological parents that looked a lot more cozy, but I didn't know if Andrew and John were in the room already or not. If they were, I didn't want to be in there without Alicia. I needed the barrier.

Alicia followed shortly with a bottle of water. "You ready?" I nodded but knew I looked panicked. I'd met with three prospective parents so far and turned each couple down. I didn't think I could handle another 'no.' "I'm so excited for you to meet them, Casey. John and Andrew have been looking forward to meeting you."

Clinging the water bottle against my chest with one hand, I clung to Olivia's hand with the other and followed Alicia into the initial meeting room. Two very casually dressed but straight backed men were sitting in the middle of the floor talking. Instantly, I knew John was the blond leaning back with his hands behind him for support and Andrew was the brunette leaning forward, chewing on his thumb. Their profiles had been really well filled out which was part of why I wanted to meet with them. Both looked up with the door opened and Andrew stood up immediately, hand outstretched. John was slower to stand, watching me and Olivia with intensely green eyes. Andrew shook first my hand, then Olivia's while Alicia made introductions. John followed suit, still watching Olivia. His face was carefully blank, but I could see the intellect. I guessed he was the stock broker. Andrew very much had that customer service personality that made for part of a good meeting with a banker.

Formalities out of the way, we simply got to chatting about different lifestyles. Neither Olivia nor I batted an eye about the fact that they were gay which made my respect for Olivia go up a notch. I knew she was open, but it was nice to see that she was truly open. "I went to the doctor yesterday for my sixteen week ultrasound and to give you guys a more update picture of Kiwi."

"Kiwi?" Andrew interrupted.

I nodded. "I don't know the sex, and saying 'the baby' all of the time seems silly. It was a nickname I came up with a few weeks back when she really was the size of a kiwi."

John laughed, and I felt better now that I had drawn a smile to his face. "I like it."

Reaching into the folder I had brought, I handed them both the latest ultrasound. Kiwi was curled up inside me, thumb firmly in her mouth, feet drawn tight against her body, and other arm wrapped around her feet. Both men made the appreciative adorable sound at the same time. "Aw. Kiwi's beautiful, Casey."

"And, that's her without pigment," I mumbled earning myself four grins. Lately, it was easier to smile when those around me smiled as well. I reached out to the detective and took her hand, squeezing it rightly. Olivia squeezed back. "Um, so, I know as the woman giving up a baby, I really don't have the right to ask about your parenting techniques, bu-"

"Oh, no. Honey, you have every right." Andrew held John's hands between his own. "Ask away. We wouldn't want you to give Kiwi to a family where you're not comfortable with the way they will raise her. Ask away."

I did. I asked every question I could think of, and Olivia asked a few that I couldn't think of. Both men answered patiently, and I fell a little bit in love with them as potential parents for Kiwi. They were incredibly laid back people, and by the end of the meeting, we had arranged for a time where I could come by their apartment and see how they lived. I think I pretty much made their week when I asked if I could see their apartment and talk to them about their plans to raise a child in New York, one of the more difficult places to raise a well rounded child.

Olivia also agreed to make every meeting until I felt comfortable alone. I was grateful beyond words. She was turning out to be an incredible support system, and almost exactly what I needed dealing with this. In fact, in the span of five weeks, my life was beginning to feel a lot more put together. I was less afraid of my shadow. David seemed pretty firmly located in Florence, Colorado. Jensen was stuck in Rikers until trial, and he was set on taking it to trial. His logic was that it drew out my misery just as much as it drew out his, and for that, I'd pulled all plea deals off the table. He wanted a battle, and I would battle him. Only Olivia and Fin knew why I walked out of meetings with him and his attorney with a racing heart needing fresh air as soon as humanly possible. They hadn't said anything, either. Always, though, one or both of them was always first in the room and last out behind me.

Olivia drove me back to the station. She offered to take me all the way home, but she had said that she had paperwork she needed to finish at the precinct. In short, I felt bad enough pulling her away from her desk on a Friday afternoon, and I didn't want her to go even more out of her way, but she really didn't seem to mind. At least, in minding, she didn't display as much.

"You are not walking home, Casey," Olivia said as she shut the engine off in the police parking garage. "I will drive you home if you want, but you are not walking." And, we both knew the subway was not an option. It was just past six, and the thing would still be too packed for my comfort.

I sighed, opening the car door. "I'll be fine, Olivia. No one's going to kill me."

"That's a long hike, and you told me the doctor is making you step away from too much physical exercise."

"I didn't ride my bike to work," I protested.

She stared at me. "You walked to work?" We both stepped out of the car, and I began to follow her up to the squad room, not one to loose out in an opportunity to butt heads. "Casey, please tell me you didn't."

I shook my head. "No, Mom. I took a cab in. Jesus. But, even my paycheck cannot handle that two times per day. Not with all the other bills I'm working through. The hospital bills from Santa Fe are killers, even with insurance."

Since I had attached to Olivia, I knew I had been healthier. I was less compelled to go to bars and go home with random men. It still happened. I still hated myself for it. But, after a long day, it was still easier than going home and thinking. It was the thinking that scared me. Fucking men I didn't know was just a distraction. And, a punishment. I still didn't think I deserved the freedom I now had. Olivia had proved to be a distraction from my self hate, and I clung to that like to tomorrow.

Self awareness has often been one of my strong suits, and while I have never been entirely self aware, I was probably more aware of my faults at that time than I was of anything else about me. Some days, I found myself relying on Olivia to prove to me that there was something a value within me, a reason to keep going.

"Fine. Then, I'll pick you up and drop you off. It's not like they don't give me a cruiser. I might as well use it."

I shook my head. "And, if you're called to a crime scene at six in the morning?"

She put her hands on her hips which was a rare gesture. That wasn't really her stance, and the look on my face must have showed m surprise at her seemingly pixy-ish position because she groaned. I smiled. She had looked like Peter Pan for a moment. "One of the guys can pick you up. Fin's been to your apartment. I doubt any of us would mind, Casey. You're part of the family. Let us help you."

I laughed.

"What?" she snapped.

"You looked like Peter Pan."

"I think you're delusional." She rolled her eyes and pushed the button for the elevator to take us up to the third floor. I slid into the elevator behind her and leaned back against the cool glass. Lately, I had not been able to get comfortably cool no matter what I tried.

Folding my arms over my chest, I just shook my head. "I can't take you seriously when you put your hands on your hips, Liv." She smiled. I think she must have known. I playfully smacked her shoulder. She feigned hurt. "Oh, come off it."

Laughter spilled from her lips, but she went entirely too serious when the elevator doors opened, and I couldn't quite figure out why until we walked around the corner. She must have heard or noticed something that indicated the rest of the guys were still there, because they were crowded around a white board littered with pictures, talking. "Where'd you go?" Elliot Stabler asked as we walked into the room. He didn't seem to see me at first. "Oh, hi, Casey. What can we do for you?"

I shrugged. "I can't visit my detectives without my motives being called into question?"

John Munch leaned back in his chair in that fashion prone to private investigators in old movies. I always took it to mean the person in the chair was listening. Apparently, it meant the person was suspicious of the speaker's motives. He brought his fingers together on both hands at a point just under his chin. "No," he said slowly, as though it cost him great effort to do that. It was how I knew he was teasing, seeing what I would do or say.

"Ouch," I murmured, frowning and batting my eyes. I was not the type of woman who regularly did cute and vulnerable, but I did know how to play the part. "I think you hurt my feeling."

"Aw. Someone call Novak an ambulance." Fin snickered.

I leaned against Olivia's desk and stared at the white board. "Whatcha got?" I asked, nodding my head towards the mess of pictures.

"A damn fine mess," Elliot answered with a tired sigh. "ViCAP finally came back with some matches on an MO from a case brought in a month ago."

"That's pretty fast," I said. A month for the FBI to do anything really was quick. Then again, most of ViCAP was automated anymore.

Elliot shrugged. We would all prefer instant, but Stabler more than anyone else had trouble grasping that what we wanted was seldom what we got. Or, maybe he grasped it all too well, and that was what accounted for his almost constant sour mood. "We have four more like vics upstate and three in Jersey."

"None anywhere else?" Olivia asked.

The male detective shook his head. "Not unless those departments don't send out to ViCAP."

"So, he's a local," I concluded. "Eight vics, wow. In how long?"

"Nine months," John answered. "One every month except July. No idea why unless the victim's body was never found." I shuddered. I couldn't stand the thought of being dead somewhere where no one could even locate my body. More than anything David had implied, that he would dump my body in the middle of nowhere had given me nightmares. I briefly wondered if I could get a tracking device implanted just in case I went missing. But, I really did not want the government to have that much access to me. It was bad enough they could track cell phones – though very handy when we needed the information to find a suspect. I had conflicted feelings about all of that.

"Any leads?"

"A couple," Elliot answered. "One is a mobile dog groomer, Brandon Hilt. Three of the women upstate were on his client list. It was the only link anyone's been able to find on those four, but the three in Jersey don't match. Hilt hasn't been living upstate since just after the fourth murder. He was a primary suspect for a while, but the guys upstate couldn't find him. Jersey never connected him to the crimes in anyway."

"What about viable DNA from the rape kits?"

"Nothing in six of the women. Only the first two showed useable DNA, but there was no match in CODIS."

"What about the military database? Not all of those personnel are in CODIS," I suggested.

John nodded sagely. "True, but do you really think we'll get a hold of that kind of information."

"Send me the copy of the profile, and I'll see what I can do." My dad really had been in the military, and some of his old military buddy's sons were, too. Not to mention three of my brothers were in the army. I might have been the black sheep of the family with my radical non-practice of religion and not getting married and knocked up younger than I was and in that order – more importantly, in that order – but I knew they would cringe at the thought of someone out there raping and killing a woman possibly being a member of the US Military. The men of my family were the honorable sort.

Elliot raised a brow at me, but only Munch regarded me with outright suspicion. "You have a connection you're not sharing?" the oldest detective in my squad asked.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I'll find out pretty quick, though." I could put in a couple of calls and find out within a few hours if someone were willing to go to bat for me. On the bright side, if they got called out on it, I could always use my office to help get them free. It wasn't like it was personal. They would be helping in a criminal investigation.

"You do that." Elliot smiled. It was a very small smile, but Stabler didn't strike me as being someone who would smile big all that often. "Thank you."

I shrugged. "Not a problem." I shifted my weight on the desk, hands automatically falling to my stomach. I didn't realize it, but my thumb began tracing circles on my abdomen, just above my navel. I caught Fin's eyes across the room and he coughed, his eyes traveling down my body to where my hands rested.

Unfortunately, Elliot's eyes did the exact same thing, leaving me in a tight predicament. I could acknowledge that both men were now staring at me tracing soothing circles on my stomach by pulling my hands away. Or, I could pretend not to notice and continue to draw patterns. Either one would give me away to Elliot. Fin already knew. I wasn't worried about that. My breathing slowed. I stopped moving my thumb but didn't move my hands from their perch below my ribs.

"Casey-" Elliot started, his voice with an inflection, letting me know that he was about to ask a question.

"Who was the second suspect?" Olivia asked, her eyes dead locking with Elliot's. I knew they had silent communication between the two of them. They were close, and it made them both great partners and terrible partners. Both the best and the worst. They got their job done and well, but I wondered if it truly came down to the wire, how much damage one would take for the sake of the other. Enough to be detrimental was my best guess.

Whatever silent words were spoken, Elliot turned back to the case on the board. If his question had been whether or not I was pregnant, he doubly had his answer. And, he would now know that Olivia, at least, also knew. If that wasn't his curiosity, then he was probably still just as baffled. "The second guy was Marcus Young, a retail salesman who moved to Jersey a month before the first Jersey murder. He lived in upstate New York before that, but they were never entirely sure where. It turns out he lied on his application for employment about his previous residence, so we're not even entirely sure on that point."

"What was his alibi for the murders?"

"None. That's just it. But, then, there wasn't enough to hold him just based on no alibi."

"Did he match DNA?"

"They couldn't compel DNA," Elliot explained with a defeated shrug. "They couldn't even arrest him. The police in Jersey interviewed him but didn't get enough."

I stood up and walked over to the board, looking at the series of women. Raped and murdered. I shuddered involuntarily. I couldn't help but imagine if David raping me were the last thing that I ever experienced. It didn't seem right. It wasn't fair to these women. Someone needed to do something. "How did he even get on their radar?"

Elliot shrugged. "I can't figure that out. As far as I can tell, they never put it in their report. I don't know if he was the neighborhood kid about to snap and they just suspected him, or if something went on that they would rather not put on the books."

Sighing, I took the picture of the woman killed in the city. "Can we put him in New York for her murder?" I asked, biting my lip. "Because, how they got him on their radar doesn't concern me in closing this case. And, if we can convict him on this one and link this one to the others, Jersey and Syracuse can pick him up and try him on their end, too."

Elliot looked at me like he suddenly appreciated me a lot more. "That's the goal, Casey." He gave me a soft look, and I realized it was an incredibly paternal look. I returned it with a sharp one of my own. I didn't want Stabler going soft on me. The one true pet peeve I had was people treating me different because of something that happened to me.

Biting my lip, I turned away. "Great. Well, send me the DNA profile and I'll forward that on if I can and let you know either way. Otherwise. I need to head home I just thought I'd stop by on my way out of the office."

"You want a ride?" Olivia asked. "The subway's gonna be hell."

"So will traffic," I pointed out.

She shrugged. "At least you'll have company."

"Alright," I said because I really didn't feel like walking thirty some blocks home and I absolutely would not be taking the subway. "Thanks."

Olivia grabbed the keys she had just thrown on her desk back. "Call if you need something," she said and turned and followed me back to the elevators. The doors slid shut behind us, and I hugged myself, shivering. "You okay?"

"Yea," I lied. "I can't imagine what those women must have experienced, though."

"What do you mean?" the detective pressed. She had a knack for doing that, though I had a feeling she knew exactly what I was talking about.

Shivering, I pulled my jacket tighter and shoved my hands in my pockets. "The horror of being raped and then being murdered, like none of it mattered. There was no opportunity for recovery. It was just this utter violation and then death. I can't imagine what they thought."

She nodded. "What did you think? I know there was time between when David sexually assaulted you and when he shot you, but what went through your mind?"

That stopped me. That flat stopped me, and I stared at her. "I don't know," I whispered, my eyes wide with horror. Actually, I did know. I know exactly what my thought was when I felt him shoot me, before I knew he'd been shot as well. _Please, God, don't let him hurt Alex. _

I felt a hot tear slide down my face. I quickly pushed it away, but Olivia caught my hand before I could put it back in the pocket. "What's going on in your head, Casey?"

I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "The, uh, friend I stayed with in Santa Fe, Angie," I started. Olivia nodded as encouragement, showing that she was listening. "She was the one who shot David. But, before I knew she had shot him, my only thought was a prayer to God that he wouldn't hurt her."

Olivia squeezed my hand. "You really care about her, huh?" I nodded. "You're a good person, Casey Novak. And, you surprise me every day." With that, she let go of my hand. I shoved it back in my pocket and stared straight ahead, willing myself not to cry.


	26. Chapter 26

I awoke Sunday morning in a spread of papers, phone clutched tight in my hand and ringing angrily. I had been putting together a witness list and coming up with questions the night before when I had apparently crashed out in a circle of paperwork. I hadn't realized I was that tired. For a couple of seconds, I stared at my phone, not really sure why it was ringing. Like rolling out of a fog, it took a moment for my senses to clear. This groggy, I felt like I was coming awake from a drug induced sleep. What had I done the night before?  
I answered on the lost possible ring, my voice slurred and thick. "'Lo?"

"Casey? This is Agent Roberts. I'm-"

My brain clicked into gear. "I remember," I said, hoping to avoid saying David's name out loud. "What can I do for you?" I glanced at the clock. It was gone ten. I never slept past eight in the morning unless I was sick. Other than being groggy, I didn't feel sick. I patted my face, but my temperature seemed normal.

"I have someone here who was hoping to speak to you. Do you have time?"

I stared at the paperwork around me feeling like I was missing a good portion of my life from the night before. I smacked my lips together, tasting my own mouth. Not only did it tast of cotton, it felt as though a large cotton ball had been stuffed in my mouth, my mouth was so dry.

"Casey, are you okay?" he asked me.

I stopped making snapping sounds with my lips. "Yea," I said, my mind fuzzy as I tried but failed to focus. "My mouth tastes like cotton."

"Did you take medication to sleep last night?"

I shook my head, though he couldn't see me. "Who wants to talk to me?"

Instead of answering, he passed the phone to another set of hands. "Casey?" a woman's voice came on the line, but I was distracted again by my dry mouth. "Why are you smacking your lips?"

"I can taste cotton, and my mouth is dry."

"Go drink a glass of water." I could hear the frown in her voice, and it made me frown as well. Who had the kind of right to frown at me for missing the obvious? Other than a few of the judges, there was no one, and this was not a conversation I would be having with any of my judges.

"I didn't think of that." Licking my lips, I stood, stumbling to the kitchen. My head throbbed and my body ached like I'd taken a beating, but I could remember nothing of the previous night. Closing my eyes, I had to focus. Where had I been; what had I done? I could remember flashing lights in mostly purple and green, the brush of hands on my body, lips too soft for a man pressed firmly against mine though it was a man's large and rough hands that played at my hips. Before that, darkness. After, darkness. There simply was nothing.

I ran the water into a cup and gulped it down. "Better?" the voice on the phone said, and it startled me. In truth, I had forgotten she was there.

"A bit," I said.

"Casey, what's the last thing you remember?" she asked.

"Olivia dropping me off home and me going about pouring myself into a case until she left."

"Before that."

I thought about it. Why had Olivia dropped me off at the apartment? What had I been doing? What had Olivia said? She wanted to take me to the hospital. We had argued about it. I was adamant about not going to the hospital. Nothing had happened. But, what had Olivia thought had happened? Why was she so angry at me? "Sitting down at the bar," I finally said. That should have scared me more than it did, but at this point, it just seemed like a logical step. I had been feeling better and doing better, but sometime Saturday morning, I had started to think, and thinking had set me on a very rapid decline in self esteem. By noon, I had reduced myself back to harlot status and gone on a mission to prove myself right. I guess I had. Granted, the bar was a very different scene to the lights I could vaguely remember and hands everywhere along my body.

"Oh, God, Alex, I don't remember what I did last night. Fuck. Fuck. This is bad." The panic set in, not for my safety, but because my choices the previous night impacted Kiwi's well being permanently. I wasn't worried for me. I was worried for her. Bad Mom, bad, bad Mom. Fuck.

"Casey, relax. It's okay. Take a deep breath. I can work through this with you if you want."

I blinked rapidly, as though my conscious brain was only just catching up with something my subconscious brain had already grasped. The phone slipped out of my grasp onto the counter, and I had to hold to the counter for support, my fingers hard white under the pressure. "Alex?"

"Yea, it's me." I scrambled to pick up the phone, still putting my weight on the counter. For some reason, I didn't trust my own legs. "Are you angry?" She sounded worried, small. I hadn't expected to hear from her ever again. My heart pounded in my chest like a beast demanding escape from a prison in which it had been so long held. My body automatically tightened in places no one had ever been able to tighten it before Alex or after her with the memory of her skin against mine.

"At you?" I asked rhetorically. "No. I thought you didn't want me." I sounded small as well. But, I'd gone from having had four partners including Alex over the course of twenty nine years to having well over twenty in two months. I had no right to be mad at her. Nothing she could ever do would be that bad.

I could hear the warmth and relief in her voice. "Of course I want you. I was so scared you wouldn't want to see me before you left. When you got back to New York, I wanted to give you space to heal. But, I miss you." I tipped my head, brushing my cheek against the backs of my own fingers. I wished it were her doing that. Two months later, and no matter how much I wanted her to be a fling, I still wished she were with me. The bond we had forged in two days was strong, without a doubt.

"I wish you were here," I murmured. "I don't need space. I need someone who's not afraid to hold me while I scream." It was something I could never ask of Olivia. For one, I didn't need her pity, and that was what it would feel like to me. For another, we worked together, and for everything, she didn't need that. Hell, I didn't remember why she brought me home the night before. I had already asked too much of her with that, I knew.

"Is that really what you want, Casey?" she asked me, her tone telling me she was being absolutely serious. There was something about the way she said it that gave me pause.

My heart nearly beat its way out of my chest. "Alex, where are you?" My voice was soft to prevent it from breaking, but I wasn't sure she heard me.

"What's your elevator code?"

I gave it to her, tears sliding hot down my cheeks. She hung up the phone, and a minute later, I had to pry myself from the counter to answer the knocking at the door. Roberts was standing at the door. He was mostly Alex's contact on the case. Agent James Davies, my case contact, was with him. Beside them both was a blond woman with dark framed glasses. They all sported the matching FBI jacket. Only Alex was actually without a badge, though I suspected the idea was for people to just assume she was FBI as well. I didn't know if that made her a smaller target or a bigger one. Stepping back to let them in, I found myself at a loss for words. My mind was blissfully empty.

I reached out to her, to touch the tears on her cheeks. She didn't touch me. I think she knew I really would scream, and it just made more sense not to scream here. The agents shut the door behind them. "So," Alex said, "this is where the famous Casey Novak lives?"

I nodded, fighting the urge to kiss her. I think that David had dragged me naked from Alex's bed and that the blond had been just as naked when the police had arrived after she had shot him had not escaped the agents' notice. Still, I was conflicted about us. What I wanted was not possible. I wasn't even sure I wanted her for all the right reasons.

I didn't have mych time to worry it over, though. My body seemed just fine reacting without my brain. I fell into her mouth like I was going to fall into her soul, and maybe I was. She stilled for just a moment, giving me just enough time to regret it, and, then, she kissed me back, her arms wrapped around my lower body. She pulled me close to her, impossibly close so that my only option was to crawl against her, and I wrapped my arms about her neck and my legs around her waist so tight they would have needed a crowbar to pull me off. She held me up and against her easily, her slim body belying the muscled structure underneath.

Coming up for air, I reluctantly broke away from her. We were both panting, and I rested my forehead against hers. She rolled her eyes up to meet mine, and I could just see her smiled from my angle. I grinned and laughed. I couldn't help it. I felt so free. The part of me Alex's presence had once shown me had been empty before her had been empty after her, and now it was full, so full it was boiling over into the rest of me like a joyful wave crashing onto shore. Beautiful. Powerful. I felt good. I put my hands on her cheeks. "God, Alex, I knew I missed you. I had no idea how much."

I kissed her lightly, nuzzling my face into her neck and inhaling her licorice and orange scent. A fluttering sensation ran through my lower abdomen, too high for sexual appeal, too low for nerves, though both of those were very much there. Alex's smell released a ton of endorphines through my body, and through the baby. Though the baby was not yet big enough for me to outright identify a kick, she was big enough that I could feel a fluttering of movement that my doctor had explained was her moving in me. It seemed she moved more when I was happy or self satisfied. In this case, I think she was letting me know how much she liked it when I was happy.

"I missed you, too," Alex murmured against my lips as I unfolded myself from around her, my feet touching ground again. "Everyday, I worried about you."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I'm not." She drew me to her, rocking me slightly, and true to my word, I screamed. I screamed loud and long, and when I ran out of breath, I sucked in air and screamed again. Through it all, Alex just held me. And, when I fell into sobs against her, she continued to hold me until I looked up and realized she was crying, too. "I think I could love you, Casey Novak, and it kills me to think that I nearly lost you before I could find out."

"I want to know, too," I said, kissing her. All of my fears seemed so absolutely secondary to her presence, it was fantastic yet frightening at the same time. But, I had been learning from Olivia that it was sometimes okay to give in to your fears and face them head on knowing full well you're afraid but facing them anyway. Olivia was probably the bravest person I knew, and the most reckless. It was going to get her killed one day. "I'm not leaving this world until I figure this out. You deserve so much more, but I can at least promise you that."

"Good," she mumbled. "I'll hold you to nothing less."

I finally became aware of my surroundings again. She made me feel like a teen with a first love, though as a teen, I'd never had that experience. Sarah and I had been friends and lovers in the sense that we shared nothing more than the occasional fuck. Both agents were sitting at my kitchen table talking quietly as though we weren't in the living room eating each other like starving kittens. Ever professional these guys. "How long do I have her?" I asked.

Davies looked at me as their conversation stopped. With how quickly they reacted and turned to us, I knew they had heard everything said between us. They were paying attention, giving us the illusion of privacy. "Through Wednesday morning, just for the holiday. What's your work schedule like."

I kissed Alex, unable to get enough of her lips. She was like a drug, and I was a junkie who hadn't had her fix. "Office is closed Tuesday for Veteran's Day, and I can take tomorrow from home until three when I have to be in court for a motion's hearing – if you'll give me that."

"Which case?" Alex asked.

"Routers," I answered.

She shook her head. "I remember. That's a guaranteed bust. The victim's a prostitute and an addict. You're going to have to work doubly hard for jury sympathy."

"I know, but he raped her, and I'm going down swinging."

Alex nodded, running her fingers through my hair. "Somehow, I expect nothing less of you."

I flushed. My attention went back to the two agents still sitting calmly, waiting for us to notice something more than each other. "What are the ground rules?"

"What do you mean?" Roberts asked, flashing innocent chocolate brown eyes at me. I knew they were far from innocent. The US Marshals didn't let just any FBI agents babysit a case the required going head to head with the Department of Defense on defendant chargeability.

"Can I take her out?"

They both shook their heads. "Not in the city. Alex's death caused too much publicity. If someone high up recognizes her, it could put her at an even greater risk than simply being here already does," Roberts said, eyes fixed on Alexandra as though he had been against this from the start. Yet, I had heard about Alexandra that even the devil couldn't tell her no once she decided she wanted something. And, Alexandra Cabot wanted me.

In that case," and I looked at Alex, "we'll just have to find something fun to do here." Alex's eyes went dark, and electricity bolted through me. So far, she had been the only person in the world who had been able to do that to me with just a look. "Oh, God," I breathed, my heart in my throat.

"Whoa. Time out," Davies said. "We're here to review your apartment security, then we're going to be outside in a nice, sex-free car." That made me smile. Davies never seemed to have a problem with two girls hooking up. In fact, neither did Roberts. I could tell which Marshals it made uncomfortable during the meetings with the US Attorney on the case.

I looked over at him knowing my eyes were bright emerald with lust. My lips naturally parted when I was aroused, and I let me lids fall over my iris just enough to complete the effect. A red head standing in pajamas, wrapped around an alluring blond. I knew what we looked like. I knew Alex's eyes were dark, maybe not black, but close. Both agents merely nodded and stood up, neither one looking me over in the manner I had become accustomed to outside of work. I acted like a whore outside of work; I got treated like one, too. Ever professional, these two. Davies handed me a radio, ignoring the look I gave him. "This goes to the car to that whatever agent is on shift, you can reach someone nearby immediately if you need to. Call if you need anything. Alex doesn't leave the apartment for any reason, and no visitors. You guys got it?"

"Yep," I said, clipping the radio to my pajama pants. "Can we order take out?"

"If you do, radio down and let us know. One of us will bring it up to your apartment." He looked between Alex and me as though neither of us understood the weight of a death threat. I gave him a look back that clearly said we both had death threats on us. We knew. Only Alex's would be assassin was out of police custody, but I had a man who would probably kill me on sight if he were ever released. We knew the weight.

The agents did a quick sweep of the apartment and checked the windows before bidding us good day. The door shut behind them, and I unclipped the radio, setting it on the coffee table. Alex slipped from her FBI jacket, graceful as water and sat down, pulling me across her lap. I wiggled until only my head rested on her thighs, and I could comfortably look up at her.

"God, you're beautiful," I whispered, reaching up to touch her face. Kale had taught me that it was okay to find other women attractive, and I had always been okay with that in other women, but always held myself to a different set of rules than I held the rest of humanity. I was still coming to terms with the idea that it was okay that I was attracted to a particular other woman. "I'm so sorry."

She tipped her head against my hand, rubbing her cheek against my palm. "About what?" she asked.

"Leaving without saying goodbye, not calling you-"

"I heard you asked the agents a lot about me," she interrupted. "You have nothing to be sorry for, and I'm not angry."

I pulled my hand from her cheek, curling it into myself. "Not yet. Alex, I'm sorry for what I did when I got back here." She looked rightfully puzzled. "I don't know how else to deal with the empty feeling."

She watched me carefully but didn't pull away from me. "You used sex to punish yourself," she said. It was sage of her to be able to read between my lines like that, and when she said it, it didn't sound like I was a whore. It made me sound lost, broken somewhere behind this mask I had carved so the world didn't have to see me. It both protected me, and, I believed, the world. Her hand rested on my hip. "Nothing I do to you will be punishment, Casey. In my eyes, you have down nothing wrong. Excessive, meaningless sex to fill the void is a coping mechanism and no less unusual than survivors becoming alcoholics, drug addicts, or cutters. It's a means of putting a kind of pain you don't understand with a category of pain you do understand." She frowned as she stroked my hair from my face.

"Casey, for you, abuse and submission at the hands of another makes sense. As twisted as that sounds, you've been conditioned to believe sex is punishment and repayment. I wish to everything sacred that no one had done that to you, but it's not your fault, Casey. You deserve better than what they do. And, while I may know that now, it'll take time until you know it, too."

I frowned. It was a beautiful soliloquy and even though I knew enough about victimization to have known all the same information before, having her reiterated it helped. However, I had my doubts, the biggest of which I voiced. "What if I don't?"

She brought my hand to her lips, brushing she backs of my knuckles with the softest of kisses. "My beautiful Casey, I believe you already know you deserve better treatment. Now, the trick will be to surround yourself with those who treat you in the means in which you deserve."

I opened my fingers and pressed my index finger between her teeth. She bit gently and let me go, kissing my finger pad. "Like you?" I teased.

"When I am here, I will give you all you deserve, but you still deserve more than I can give, Casey, because I am not a permanent fixture physically. Emotionally, I'll be here, and we can keep contact, but you need people here who can treat you right. There are Olivia, Elliot, John, and Fin, all of whom will treat you better than you have become accustomed. And, you will become accustomed to being treated with the respect and attention you deserve as a human being, and as Casey. Hopefully, then you'll feel less compelled to self punish."

"And if I don't?" I asked, just to be difficult.

Sliding her arm under me, she pushed me to an upright position. I went, curling my legs under myself so I was on my knees beside her. She kissed me, long, deep, and slow, her tongue exploring every inch of my mouth, my teeth, the ridges and grooves anywhere she could find them. It was as though she were sampling me, treating the taste of my mouth as one would a fine, delicate wine. To her, I was something worth savoring, worth holding on to. At least, that was what I took from the kiss. I had never felt that kind of want directed at me before in my life, and it left me gasping when she pulled away. She smiled and kissed me again, taking my lower lip between her teeth and dragging her teeth so faintly over my lip that she drew a moan from me, and I had my answer.


	27. Chapter 27

-**A/N: Alex is alone in a room with Casey... do I need to put up a sexual warning, or can we just guess what's bound to happen? ;)**

This overwhelming urge to touch her, for as much skin to skin contact as possible, rushed over me, and I rose up on my knees, capturing her mouth in mine. My fingers already undoing the buttons on her blouse, I straddled her. "If you'll let me do this, I want the lead."

She nodded her consent. "Okay, Casey. Your rules."

I pushed her shirt aside and stared down the length of her pale torso. The very minute tan she had in Santa Fe was gone making me think she was somewhere colder where more clothing was necessary. My body tightened, aching with the same need that I had left unsatisfied two months prior. My mouth sucked and nibbled at the expanse of collar bone until Alex writhed. "Oh, God, Casey," she purred, her fingers running over my back ever so lightly as if she were afraid to press harder. Every time she caught the hem of my tee, she rolled it higher up my back until it sat at my bra line, were I wearing a bra.

I left my actions to base instinct, my mouth seeming to operate on its own accord down the center of her torso, kissing and licking and sucking my way from the top of her sternum, between her breasts, and down her stomach until I slid off her torso, the front of my shirt rolling up to match the back until, kneeling on the floor between her legs, I pulled the shirt off. I watched her pupil dilate and her eyes cover with the shade of black I had seen in the mirror of her closet what felt like too long ago.

I pressed my cheek into her denim clad thigh and stared up the length of her, content to memorize every inch of her body. Three days was enough time, I knew, to get hooked on her like a drug but not enough time, never enough time. Through lidded eyes, she watched me, small smile on her lips. Leaning up and over her body, I captured those graceful lips on mine, pushing her shirt off her shoulders and down her arms. I felt her pull her hands free, the other playing with the elastic of my pajama pants.

Pulling away, I stood up, grasping both of her hands with mine. "Come with me," I murmured, pulling her up and behind me to my bedroom. The bed and all of the sheets were brand new when I returned to New York. No one but me had touched the sheets since I had gotten them – none of the many men I had brought home made it to my room. It was a sacred place, and I couldn't violate it. In reality, I had needed Alexandra off the couch. The couch was where I made mistakes, turned myself over for the sake of feeling whole only to feel more empty again. I had issues I didn't even think therapy could cure.

I watched her eyes fall fondly on both the teddy and the dog, both in the middle of my bed. She smiled at me as though she now knew some great secret that I couldn't explain. I bit my lip as if shy then figured, fuck it. What could it hurt? I kissed her as I released her hands, having guided her to where I wanted her. "I sleep with them every night."

"Not tonight," she whispered, her lips brushing my ear. "Tonight, you sleep with me."

I flushed. I had left her standing in the middle of my bedroom, and I made a half circle around her so that I stood behind her, my own body reacting to the memory of her standing behind me. I unsnapped her bra, my fingers rising to her shoulders, trailing down her arms while I kissed her neck, pushing the straps with them. She let the fabric, a lacy white number, fall away freely. My fingers continued tracing her until they found their way to her already erect nipples. God, women were just so much better beneath the skin than men. I might not yet be able to love her, but I knew I loved the feel of her beneath my hands, my lips.

I rolled her nipples in my fingers, and she leaned back into me, pressing her body against my hips, shoulders pressed against mine, her back arched into my hands. She cried out, her head semi-rolling on my shoulder. I realized again how precisely the same size we were. It was fascinating. She shifted as my hands rubbed down her smooth stomach, her hand coming up and turning my face to hers so she could kiss me.

Finding the button on her jeans, I unsnapped it, letting my hands run across her warm, warm skin while her mouth danced with mine. Unzipping her pants, I broke from her lips, amazed at how entirely there I was. With any of the men I had been fucking, half of the time, I wouldn't recall when or where the clothes came off, how I got to my knees in front of them, when they pushed inside me. I checked out. And, for some, my memory spanned them walking out the door and nothing more. I didn't even recall bringing some of them home.

I pressed myself flush against her, pressing my cheek against hers. "You're so wonderfully warm, Alex," I marveled.

Her hands traveled from my wrists to my elbows before she moved them over her upper body, giving me a show ending with her hand on my head, fingers playing at my ear. "So are you," she murmured. My tongue flicked out against her ear, and she groaned. I abandoned her lips in favor of this new discovery. I pushed her hair out of the way, sucking on and licking her ear, my hands finding the two mounds perched at her chest.

"Casey," she whined, her voice higher pitched than normal, her hands grasping my wrists, though she didn't pull away. My name became a whisper on her lips as I kissed her neck, my mouth finding its way down her spine, my hands in a mirrored position against her torso, sliding lower down. I hooked my fingers in her pants and pulled, kneeling as I kissed my way down the backs of her thighs to her knees. I liked the backs of her knees one at a time, blowing a cool wind across the wet I left behind. She shuddered above me, and I spun her around, kissing my way up her inner thigh. My tongue played freely inches from her sex as I kissed and sucked her skin.

"Casey," she mewled, "please." Resting my head against her thigh, I looked up at her, eyes heavy with desire, skin moist and flush. I danced my fingers along the fabric of her underwear, matching her bra, her whole outfit really. Even through the fabric, I could smell her distinctly, and I knew she was more than a little aroused.

Lightly, I grazed my nails over the fabric covering her center. I heard her whine above me, body trembling slightly. Curious as to how she would react, I pushed her legs further apart, my tongue licking her through the fabric. I felt her legs lock as she gasped, one hand entwining in my hair. Smiling into her, I kissed her center, impressed with my fearless approach. My courage gained with every positive reaction I garnished from her waiting body. She let me play without restriction. I didn't know if I felt clean enough for her, good enough to share her bed, but I realized that, under no uncertain terms, she thought I was clean enough. In her eyes, neither David nor I had tainted me. It baffled me, but it marveled me, too. I wanted to drink the sensation in.

Standing, I kissed her, our bodies pressed together. "Bed," I muttered into her mouth, guiding her backwards with my hands on her hops. As she collapsed to sit on the bed, I pulled her underwear from her hips and threw them to the floor. She crawled back on the bed, propped up on her elbows, one leg bent foot planted on the bed, the other leg stretched out. I just had to stop and stare.

"What?" she purred.

I shook my head, watching her lay out on the forest green and cream comforter. "Just admiring the goddess in my bed," I answered. Blushing deep red, I added, "If you were a guy, I'd know what to do from here." Even Sarah and I had used a strap on. We had taken turns wearing it, but I was really just too inexperienced to hold the control she gave me. I was grateful she gave it to me, but I didn't know what to do with it. I think she earned my trust though, in that moment, wholly and completely.

"Do you want me to teach you?" she asked, sitting up and pulling me to the bed beside her. I nodded, and she pushed me against the duvet, kissing me as her hand trailed my body. Her mouth moved to my breast, sucking, kissing, and biting at the entire mound before she even acknowledged my nipple. She sucked that into her mouth, and I damn near lost it. She had angled herself only part way over me, but my foot still managed to hook around her calf as I arched into her.

I think I may have been muttering "God, yes," but I'm not entirely sure.

After that, my body burned wherever she touched me, her mouth like velvet fire consuming me. Her tongue licked across the sensitive spot on my hip, and I found myself gripping the duvet, shivering as she paid attention to me with long, smooth strokes. She bit down, and my back arched as she tore a genuine scream from me, half scream, half her name.

Before I could catch my breath, I felt her at my sex, and I issued a new whimper as she pushed herself into me, a single finger sliding between my muscles. Inside, she paused, and I felt her questioning stare. I shook my head. "Don't stop, Alex," I panted. She curled her finger inside me, finding my sensitive center like she'd been there before. Her strokes were long and slow, as though she were deliberately trying to find every nerve and its reaction that she could possibly elicit from me.

I fought to keep my fluttering eyes open, to watch her watch me, her eyes so dark and pupils so wide, I would have sworn they were black. I felt her curl a second finger into me, her strokes faster. My stomach tightened, my hands balling around the bed clothes. I whimpered, biting my lip. My hips rose to meet her thrusts automatically. I could feel her inside me cleanly, easily. Her movement became more forced as my muscles clamped down around her fingers. I fought the orgasm, though, fearing a lack of control more than anything.

She rose up over me, mouth centimeters above mine. "It's okay, Casey," she whispered. "I'm here. You're safe." Her lips met mine gently, and I wrapped one hand in her hair, pulling her closer to deepen the kiss, my need feverish. I moaned into her mouth until that moan became a true scream. I screamed her name into her mouth as I let go of control. I just let go. And, once I had done it, it was easier to remain out of control. Her skill and oddly intimate knowledge of my body carried me as waves of pleasure crashed over me, rolling down my spine, just bordering on this side of pain. Then, she brought me down gently until I could curl on my side on the bed, still trembling uncontrollably as I gasped for air.

Quietly, she pulled the duvet from under me and lay it over my body. I whimpered as it touched my still screaming skin. My whole body was on fire, and I knew it wouldn't take much if she were to want to push me over the edge again, though I didn't think my brain could handle the push. I cried out in a combination of pleasure and too much pleasure as she curled behind me, pulling me against her body line. Alex kissed me behind the ear. "You're safe, Casey. I've got you."

"I know," I whispered, not trusting my voice as I locked my fingers in hers. "I get that now. Thank you." I pulled her over me like a blanket, and we lay in silence for a considerable time before we both drifted off to sleep. It felt right, falling asleep in her arms.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

When I woke, I was still blanketed by Alex. She was on her back with my head on her chest, a familiar position, her arms wrapped around me even as I clung to her. Blinking, I yawned and Alex woke up, wiggling against me to let me know she was there. "Good afternoon, beautiful," she purred. "How did you sleep?"

"Better with you here," I answered honestly.

I watched her smile at that. "How do you feel?" she asked, brushing sleep tousled hair from my face.

Tilting my head, I looked at her. Worry etched the corners of her eyes and I felt a pang in my chest that I had put it there during our first few escapade attempts where I had emotionally fled and physically been unable to act in the way that my body had so badly wanted. My head had gotten in the way, and she was walking on eggshells because of it. I propped myself above her, looking down into her gray eyes. In that light at that angle, the flecks of amber that had drawn me in were suddenly accompanied by blues and lavenders making her face absolutely captivating. It took me a moment to remember what I had been about to say.

She blinked slowly, and I realized that she was not breathing below me. Her breath had caught in fear of my response, I thought. How much did she already care for me that she was so afraid? "I am not a good person to make you fear my words, Alex," I whispered, using one hand to fan her hair out around her. "But, you are not someone I take lightly. I don't know if I love you. I don't know what that means in the context of two people who have seen each other for less than four days, but I care deeply about you. We had a link from the moment you stopped your car and picked me up. There was an instant sexual connection, yes, but it goes further than that. I'm happiest when I think of you. If I spent the rest of my life laying here beside you, I'd die happy, and I don't know what that means."

I paused, looking down at her. I wasn't lying. It confused me more than I could express. She was breathing again, though, which was a good sign. "I'm no less conflicted than when you and I parted two months ago. At the end of this, we're going to have to go back to not seeing or touching each other. I won't be able to wake up and kiss you before making coffee. I'm going to miss that it would have been a possibility in any other situation between you and I, Alex. But knowing that, soon, I won't have it does not make me want to spend any less time together now. I accept that you may be the only person I can ever feel like this with and that I can never bring you home to meet my parents. But, I'm glad you came. I'm glad you're here. And, what you did to me this morning was beautiful. You made me feel nothing less than beautiful and wanted, and that's half of the arousal. When you kiss me, I know it's because you want me for me, not because I'll crawl on my knees to please faster than psychologically healthy women. I'm not an easy mark to you, not another notch on your stick, and because of that, Alex, nothing we do together will ever be a regret for me. You are not some tool I use to hurt myself. I may not believe I'm a good person, but I believe that you believe I'm a good person. I envy that, and I hope I can learn to see in me what it is you do, but until then, you're the only person who's shared this bed with me, and that is as close as I can come to explaining to you how sacred this is for me. You're a goddess, Alexandra, and I'm so grateful to you."

I meant it, too. I hadn't realized how much until after I had spoken, but I really did mean it. I had been confused at first, but somewhere along the line, I had answered my own questions and fears without knowing I had. Her presence had made me realize it. Maybe I was getting healthier psychologically, and I hadn't noticed.

Alex ran her fingers along my jaw, their journey ending on my lips. I had given her absolutely everything I could while still being honest. I would try to trust myself. I would try to experience whatever connection I had with her. I would try to accept it. But, no matter the outcome, I would not regret it. That was my promise to her, and I was good on my word.

"I do want you, Casey, and nothing more, none of these masks that I see you hold up to keep everyone else out. You know you can scream and yell and cry and smile and laugh, and I'll never judge you for it. I'll fight tooth and nail to stay a part of your life after this if that's what you want from me, Casey." I nodded. That was exactly what I wanted. Someone to fight for me. Someone to fight for. She moved her fingers from my lips and kissed me. She kissed me until I straddled her hips to gain a better angle, then she kissed me harder.

She broke the kiss and looked at me, somewhat amused expression on her face. Her hands danced down to the juncture between my thighs, and though she didn't quite reach my sex, she still made me hiss in anticipation. "You're wet," she murmured.

I shrugged. "Apparently, you have that effect on me." I tried to be casual, but I heard the need deep in my voice. _God, yes, please,_ I thoughts as she slid me onto her hips and sat up, retaking my mouth in hers with a much greater ferocity. Alex began to roll us so I was on my back, but I stopped her, grabbing her hands. "It's my turn to make you scream," I purred into her ear.

From the way she had moved over me earlier, I had known she had held back a great deal of her usual chaos and frenzy. She was trying not to scare me, and I appreciated it, but as I explored her body in the sanctuary of my bedroom, I found as many places with my mouth, fingers, and swipes of nails at as many different pressures that I could possibly find, including discovering that licking along her lowest rib made her arch her back regardless of whether or not she fought it.

My mouth covered one particular spot between the slopes of her breasts, lower on her sternum and closer to her left breast that made her instantly cry out, her shoulders dipping as her back arched, her chest pressing only further into my mouth. I pulled more skin between my teeth, caressed it with my tongue until I was sure I could identify the taste of her skin anywhere. My fingers rolled her nipples between them, two equally sensitive spots on her body. "Casey," she yelped, but I could hear enough of an edge in her voice that I released her, kissing down her tight stomach, my tongue licking at her navel.

Using my hands, I pushed her legs as far apart as she would let me. The same sweet scent from earlier mer me, and I rubbed my cheek against her thigh almost instinctively like marking my territory. I'd never tasted a woman except myself, and only then because it had been Alex's fingers in my mouth. But, that was Santa Fe, and this was New York. I spread her apart with my fingers, curious. I'd never even explored myself. It was not a proper thing for a woman to do. Even now, I heard my mother's voice in the back of my head. I silenced it. And, considering how disgusting I found a man's penis to be, I thought Alex was utterly beautiful. It surprised me how much the glistening pink folds of her vulva fascinated me. I blew gently alone the wet trail, and Alex squirmed, her breath hissing out in soft pants.

I blew cool air over her clit, the tight bundle of nerves already exposed. She jumped with a sharp gasp. I may have been a medic which gave me familiarity with human anatomy, but to explore it as a sexual thing was not within my experience. I could deliver a baby and do a basic pelvic, but anything beyond that was not within any scope of practice. Carefully, I flattened my tongue against her inner thigh and licked the moisture from where it had gathered before I separated her legs. The sharp scent of woman became a taste on my tongue. Closing my eyes, I savored the taste. She was sweeter than my memory of me, and I took my time licking her lighs clean, her breath ragged above me. "Casey," she squeezed out, "Stop teasing. You're killing me."

I grinned sheepishly before pressing just the tip of my tongue at her center. I felt her exhale under my hand as I had come to rest it on her stomach, feeling the way her muscles moved and contacted. The other hand held her leg down, giving me room to explore. Flattening my tongue, I licked up, my tongue curling automatically around the swollen bundle of nerves. Her hips very nearly jumped into my mouth. I liked that my attention caused that, and I centered my actions around her clit until she was muttering my name over and over, her hand clutched tight in mine over the contracted muscles of her stomach.

I slid two fingers into her with little more preparation for my action than the lubricant her body had already provided – though if that weren't enough, I wouldn't know what was. I was delighted in how absolutely drenched all of this was making her. My movements were faster and harder than what she had done to me, but Alex was quick to respond, her hips sliding to meet me, forcing my fingers deeper into her. I twisted my fingers together, crossing and uncrossing them with each stroke until she poured out over me, the nails of her fingers digging into my hand. I was feeling the euphoria as well, and I didn't feel the pain in my palm until her body stopped shaking.

Pulling my hand from her, I licked her center clean, her body twitching with each lap of my tongue. I leaned over Alex and kissed her. She moaned into my mouth. "Oh, fuck, Casey," she breathed when we parted.

Her hand tangled in my hair, and she brought me to her lips once again. When we separated, I lay against her, hand reached for the comforter and pulling it over us to keep the warmth in. Suddenly, I laughed.

"What's so funny?" she asked, voice still a little slow and deep from sex.

"I feel good," I replied. "Everything feels like it's worth a laugh. But, you didn't notice that we haven't talked about anything? We jumped straight into bed. That's not like me. I'm not like me around you." I smiled. "I am, but I'm not."

She frowned, considering this. "Is that bad?" she asked.

I shook my head, kissing her slowly again. "No. With you, no. God, no. It's wonderful. You're wonderful. Today has been an absolute joy."

"Good," she murmred. "Then, talk to me. Tell me everything that has happened since I last saw you."


	28. Chapter 28

I smiled, tracing stars onto her stomach. "Alex, I don't even know where to start. There has been so much that happened that I wish I could have talked to you about."

With my head against her chest, her arms wrapped around my, I caught her up to speed on my life. I told her about taking her advice and talking to Olivia and how the detective had become my watchful guardian. I told her how Fin and Elliot had each found out about the baby. Elliot and I had talked since he had watched me in the squad room. He had promised to keep it a secret. I had told him that Olivia and Fin knew, too. I just didn't want this being spread around. Alex reassured me that he would respect my wishes. I guess some Marines are honorable men. It just so happens that the two of them that I could reference were far less than honorable. I told her about Andrew and John and the three families I had out right said no to. I told her my fears over the coming months and that I was terrified of telling my boss I was pregnant. She seemed surprised to find that Branch didn't already know. I talked about the baby and Detective Benson a lot, and I think that's what made her finally stop me to interject her own question.

"Do you love her?" Alex asked. I drew my brow together, not sure what she meant despite having a pretty good idea. I almost asked if she meant Olivia, but that wasn't me. That was her. Olivia had told me Alex had been like her kid sister and that she felt personally responsible for Alex's death. She had actually used the phrase "going away" as opposed to death which I would have thought peculiar for the detective had I not known Alex was alive and well. "The baby, Casey. When you talk about her, you get this soft look on your face except for when you talk about giving her to another family. Then, you're tense."

I blinked up at her, thoroughly confused. "I can't raise her, Alex. What if she looks like him and I can't stand to touch my own child? What guarantee do I have that I'll be able to let her feed from me while all I see are his eyes or that I'll take her into my bed when she has a nightmare and needs someone safe to protect her from her own dreams? She won't feel safe enough with me. She'll hate me."

Her fingers combed through my hair. "Besides," I continued, "I've already proven that I'm a bad mother. I bring random men home – I'm never sure if one will hurt her in the womb, let alone out. What if I can't stop bringing these men home when she's born and she starts to cry? I don't make good choices, Alex. I find the ones that will hurt me, and even if I consent to the pain, I don't know them well enough to know they'll let me go to her and care for her. I don't know if I would want to care for her. Not when I get the way I have to be just to let someone like that touch me. I did things last night with no memory of what happened. What if I ingested something that hurt her? Emotionally, I've got too much on my plate to teach a child to be kind and gently when all I do is self destruct. What the Hell kind of role model would I be? A kid's got no future with me."

"Alright," Alex said with a small smile that made me think she was up to something. "You've proven you're a shitty mom who doesn't and could never love this kid because you spend all of your time worrying about her future and how you can make sure you can give her the best life possible." She laughed when I wrinkled my nose at her.

"You can cut the sarcasm, Cabot."

"Casey, you know, I asked what had been going on, and the first thing you want to talk about is the baby – did you call her Kiwi?" I nodded, bright red. "Kiwi. Maybe giving her to Andrew and John or some other couple ready to be a family is in both her best interest and yours, but it doesn't make you a bad parent or mean that you're incapable of loving this child just because of her conception. In fact, it only proves the opposite. Yore evidence is invalid – it fails to support your argument."

I growled before stretching upward and licking her face. She pushed me off her. "Casey!" she exclaimed, wiping at her cheek.

Laughing, I sat up. "Who needs evidence?" I mused as she continued to wipe her cheek even though she had probably already gotten the spit off. "Alex, you realize you have my saliva dried to your entire freaking body right now? A little more on the cheek can't be that gross."

"The other saliva was put there during a pleasantly sexual experience. You licked me just to gross me out."

"And, it worked, too."

She pounced like a cat before I had time to react, her tongue sliding over my ear. I felt a small pool of moisture and I knew she had actually spat in my ear. "Oh, Alex, that is so disgusting," I cried, trying to both roll her off me and get the spit out of my ear. "Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross."

I managed to push her away, but she grabbed me, pulling me down on her as she licked my mouth. Were we both not laughing even as I tried to scramble away, we might have noticed that our horse play had put us precariously close to the edge of the mattress. As it was, we didn't notice, and one moment, Alex was trying to can succeeding in licking my neck, the next, we were on the floor, tangled in the sheets. Alex licked my cheek again. I was laughing so hard, my stomach hurt. Lower, my abdomen was all a flutter as Kiwi did somersaults with all of the activity. "Alright, alright," I conceded. "You win."

Alex grinned up at me. "I know," she said. "I always win."

Laughing, I pinned her hands above her head and kissed her. I kissed her like I would never let her go. So focused on her mouth was I that I didn't notice she pulled me on her, our bodies flush and so close to identical in where they touched that I might have sworn our bodies were made to fit together. Her hands cupped my ass, the pressure forcing me to a sitting position, straddled across her hips. She continued to press her hands upward until I came to my knees above her and looked down, unsure of what she was trying to get me to do in the long run. Alex semi sat between my legs and kissed my stomach, just below the navel. I knew my stomach was bigger than it had been four months ago, but it was still very flat.

"Kiwi," Alex said, her lips pressed against my stomach, "I know you're in there, and I hope you can hear me because I need to ask you a really big favor. If I could do it myself, I would, but I'm so far away that I'll need you to help me when I can't be with Mommy." She paused. Her eyes flicked to me briefly, but I said nothing. She kissed my taut skin again.

"Here's the deal: Mommy's having a hard time right now because a very bad man did some very bad things to her and he hurt her a lot. These aren't the kind of hurts that can be simply kissed away, either. I want your mommy to relearn that she's allowed to love and be loved in return. You see, the bad man refused to allow her even that much, and he took things from her that no one is ever allowed to take from anyone else." She kissed my stomach. I could feel the intensity of the fluttering grow as if in response to either her words or the sheet emotion in her tone, but either way, the movement made me smile while the words made me want to cry.

"What I need from you, dearest Kiwi, is to remind Mommy that she is very special and very strong. See, Mommy puts bad men in jail where they can't hurt people. Mommy speaks for those who cannot speak for themselves. She carried their stories and tries to find the best for them. She fights the good fight, but Mommy needs someone to fight for her right now, to be her voice. I'm trying, Kiwi, but I'm many miles away. I need you to fight for Mommy and be her voice. Mommy loves you very much, and she's fighting out here for your future already. I know it's a lot to ask of someone so small, but if you'll remind Mommy that she's beautiful and wonderful and amazing by herself and remind her that she shares her bed with me and doesn't need to be with people who hurt her or don't see her for who she is and that she is kind and gentle and worthy and that she deserves so much more credit than she gives herself – if you could let her know every day, I would appreciate it. I'll take care of Mommy for as long as she'll let me, even thousands of miles apart. Your mommy is such a good person, Baby Kiwi. She's just forgotten that she is."

I was crying, my hands slightly trembling. Alex kissed my stomach once more. 'Thank you, Kiwi," she whispered.

The blond beneath me slid so that she was sitting properly, and she pulled me back down into her lap. I let her cradle my head against her as I wrapped my arms around her, holding on to the woman that was my rock. Burying my face into her, inhaling our combined scent, I realized I felt safe, and it wasn't the same safety as being with my detectives knowing that they would physically stand between me and the devil, but the kind of safety that was a blanket, protecting against things that couldn't be touched but still hurt.

Curled up against her, I just let Alex hold me for several minutes until a sharpness in my lower abdomen made us both jump. My hand instantly covered the spot, Alex's hand not far behind. It wasn't a pain, more like a sudden pressure as though something in my jumped, trying to get out. "Holy shit," I whispered. "Did you feel that?"

Alex nodded, staring at me in awe. "Is that the baby?"

"I think so. I've never felt her before. Not like that, anyway." I took Alex's hand in mine and pressed it to my skin. I could feel the usual fluttering begin to settle, but she didn't kick hard enough again for either of us to feel anything.

"I think she agrees with me, Casey, and she'll let you know she's there." Her thumb stroked my stomach, her other hand resting just on the other side of my midline.

As if in response to Alex's words, or maybe it was just her voice, I felt a soft almost pop. It was more than the fluttering, but less than the kick that had shocked both Alex and myself. "You can't feel that, can you?" I asked.

Alex shook her head. "Is she being a wiggle worm?"

I nodded. "It's like she likes you or something," I teased, kissing her.

Alex wrapped her arms around me and pulled me as close to her body as she could. "I like you, Casey," she purred into my mouth. "I like you a lot."

I shivered at the goosebumps that crawled alone my arms. My stomach, however, had another agenda and chose that moment to gurgle, making us both laugh. Alex's head tipped back, and even laughing, I managed to admire the long line of her neck and her perfect skin. God, I was in lust. In lust and in like. I didn't know if lust and like could combine to form love, but I was cursing the world that Alex had to go away in two days and I might not be allowed to find out.

"When was the last time you ate, Casey?" Alex asked, already untangling us from the sheets.

"That I remember? Yesterday breakfast," I answered. I had been busy in the office. Saturdays were my paperwork catch up days because there was no one that could interrupt. As such, I also often forgot to eat lunch or even snack while I was there. Some of the stuff I did read, though, made me simply not hungry.

Alex glanced at my nightstand alarm clock and grimaced. "It's almost four," she mused. "We should probably feed you."

Climbing to my feet, I dug a pair of yoga pants and a hoodie from my closet. I didn't both with under garments. One, Alex had seen everything. Two, the hoodie was practically a dress on me and hid both my breasts and bottom so that it was impossible to tell without touching me that I was wearing neither. Besides, if underwear were meant to be worn with yoga pants, you wouldn't be able to see the lines. Alex had pulled on her jeans and her bra, but her shirt had remained in my living room all day. "Do you want something more comfortable than a blouse?" I asked.

"Sure," she said and took the tee shirt I handed her, pulling it on.

I smiled. "You look as good in my clothes as I look in yours," I teased.

She laughed. "Some of my clothes are your clothes." I flushed. I still wore the pajamas she had packed me as well as the suits. I realized I had been kidding myself to think that our weekend in Santa Fe had ever only been a fling. I clung to her things, those memories, her scent as though they were very much a part of me. And, in so many ways, they were. Olivia had asked me what my thought had been when I had gotten shot. That my thoughts had gone to Alex must have meant something. And, as I considered it, even in the hospital, between wanting to die and not, it had been thoughts of Alex that had given me consideration to live and keep fighting.

"And, I look good in them," I said with a smile. "Speaking of clothes, though, do you have anything to wear?"

She nodded. "My suitcase is in the agents' car. I wasn't sure if you'd want me to stick around here, go to a hotel, or piss off entirely."

I stared at her. "Stay here," I said. "I want you to stay here." I flushed at the demand. It was strange how comfortable I was being demanding in every other aspect of my life but when seeking comfort, I was shy. David had really messed me up.

She smiled. "Of course, Casey."

In the kitchen, she began pulling out what cookware I owned and digging through the fridge, freezer, and cupboards almost immediately. "Can I help you find something?" I asked.

"Nope," she said. "But, you can go sit down and pick something to watch on the television. I'll fix something quick."

"I can cook, you know," I said with a small smile. I had nearly forgotten that she had been a chef before she had been a lawyer. Yes, it had been to piss her parents off even more, but if she had chosen that bachelor's, then I had to think that maybe she enjoyed at least some parts of it.

Alex gave me a sharp look. "Maybe, but that's not the point. Go sit on the couch and let me spoil you."

I did, thinking that I wanted to return the favor and spoil her, too, but I didn't know how or when. Three days was simply not long enough, and I was going to be far too reluctant to give her back Wednesday morning. It didn't take me long to find a channel with a movie starting. "Do you watch sci-fi?" I called into the kitchen.

"You realize I'm probably going to be watching you more than the movie, right?" she asked rhetorically as she leaned around the corner, wooden spoon in her hand. "Pick something you want to see, Casey. I'll watch anything."

I laughed but settled back into the couch. What I really wanted was to go to her and touch her. I wanted to touch her and never stop. Knowing that we'd be separated again soon, I felt like I couldn't get enough contact. If we weren't to part, I wondered if I would feel less inclined to hold her, to breathe her in, and to kiss her. I heard a sizzling sound from the kitchen and hoped that the feeling would never decline. The smell of food followed close behind the sounds she made as she worked in my kitchen. Did she have any idea how much her mere presence felt like spoiling me? I didn't think she did. She seemed both aware of her effect on me and clueless. It was interesting, and attractive.

"Would you be offended if I used canned soup?" Alex called from the kitchen. "You'll only be hungrier if I make it fresh. Besides, you don't have any useable mushrooms. I had to throw them all away. Seriously, Casey."

Standing, I meandered into the kitchen to try and figure out why she was fussing so much. Already, she had one pot on the stove that I could tell was boiling and a handful or several of diced, raw chicken sat on my cutting board beside a pan slick with oil. "I bought canned soup," I said with a shrug and a half laugh. "Do I even want to know what you're doing?"

She held up a bag of sliced almonds as though that explained everything. I just stared at her. "Walk me through this, Alex. My idea of dinner is a grilled cheese."

"Almond chicken and rice. You have all the right ingredients, and you need to use up that celery and the onion before they go soft on you." She gave me a sympathetic look, like she couldn't figure out why grilled cheese made dinner. "But, I can do grilled cheese if you want."

Looking at what Alex had already begun, I shook my head. "I want whatever you make, Alex. I trust you."

With a light peck to my lips, she picked me up at the waist and lifted me onto the counter by the sink. "Good," she purred. "I want and would love the company, but you gotta stay out of my way."

Nodding, I crossed my legs under me and proceeded to watch her float around my kitchen like a butterfly. "You have got to stop that," I mumbled after a few minutes, the fabulous smells wafting around me and making my mouth water.

"Stop what?" Alex asked, turning to me. She gently raked her nails over my thighs, and I shuddered.

"That," I exhaled. "This. Being so damn good at everything." I pouted playfully. I was teasing. I loved that she was so amazing. "You're making me look bad."

She laughed. "I am not good at everything."

I scoffed. "Law, getting what you want, cooking, sex, being incredibly supportive, being non-judgmental, being wonderful." I paused in ticking off everything she was good at on my fingers and looked up at her. "Hey, how did I get the perfect woman in my bed anyway?"

Alex unfolded my legs and pulled me close to her, her hands sliding behind my back. When she kissed me, I realized she had something in her mouth, resting on her tongue. When she noticed that I had noticed, Alex rolled her tongue under my teeth. I took the leafy thing into my own mouth, slipping it over my tongue, surprised at the sharp flavor. Pulling her mouth from mine, she smiled warmly. "I am but a sailor to a siren," she answered. "It's thyme, Casey. Just suck on it, don't swallow. It'll help you feel hungry so you stop going more than twenty four hours between meals."

Despite the taste, I kept the leaf in my mouth. "I really had this?" I asked, trying to remember when and why I had bought thyme.

"As much as you have canned soup," Alex said with an amused laugh. She kissed me again before she turned back to the over and pulled the pan free. My kitchen had already smelled heavenly, and as the warmth from the oven carried past me, so did stronger scents.

"How did you do that in twenty minutes?" I asked.

"I'll take my culinary secrets to the grave, Novak, but it's really a lot easier to cook than most people think." She poked at the dish with the wooden spoon she had been using. It seemed to suit her tastes because she cradled a spoonful over her hand and brought it to me. "Taste. Let me know what you think."

Gingerly, I pulled the thyme out of my mouth, dropping it into the sink before opening my mouth to accept what she was offering. It was hot, but surprisingly not too hot, and I felt myself melt around the texture and taste. "Wow, Alex. That's fantastic."

"If you like that, wait until I fix you something fresh."

I smiled. "God, woman, you're going to kill me." I laughed. "Don't spoil me too much, I might not eat until you come back."

Alex gave me a quick kiss on my cheek. "I'll visit as much as they'll let me, Casey, as often as you want me here." I wanted to ask if she would simply never leave.

Instead, I shook my head, sighing. "I won't ask you to continue to risk your safety. As it is, Connors and Zapata think you're dead. Your safety relies on that." She looked about to argue, so I added, "Can we talk about that later?"

"Okay," she agreed, and I had a feeling that later would never come. I think she knew it, too. I didn't want to talk about Zapata or about David or hurting or being shot, though the scar from her gunshot wound on her right shoulder looked a lot like the one I bore just above my heart. We were both very lucky women. Someone or something wanted us alive. To me, it also seemed as though it very much wanted us together, too. The real chances of us ever meeting had David not been so harmful were very slim, and I hardly believed in coincidence. But then, maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. "You're doing that serious thing again," Alex observed with a frown.

"I'm just thinking about you and me," I said.

Tilting her head as though genuinely curious, Alex looked towards me, her eyes somewhat distant. Again, I had the sensation she was preparing for an emotional blow and that I had set her up to take it. "What about us?" she asked, her words slow.

"What are we?" I asked. "The strangely sexual friendship? The random fuck when we get a chance?" I let my voice hand off, unsure of whether or not I had room to push it.

Alex set the spoon down on the counter, regarding me carefully. "That depends," she said after a few seconds. "You've told me you plan on trying between us, and you have every reason not to. But, what do you see after Wednesday?"

"A long road of hurt as I try to get over whatever it is I feel for you," I answered in a perfectly candid manner. "It's a road I don't want to go down. Not if there are other options." I looked her over, her posture, her facial expression, everything. I saw nothing that wasn't totally neutral. It made me wonder who had hurt her. "You said you'd fight tooth and nail to stay in my life, and I'll do the same to stay in yours."

"You want to know what that makes us?" I nodded. "Why?"

I thought about it. "I want to know what I have to hang on to when you're not here. My will is not that strong, Alex. I'll fall to self hatred every time. It's petty and selfish and stupid, but-" She cut me off with a kiss. It was chaste and warm and enough to get me to shut up.

"Then be my lover, Casey. When you're feeling weak and overcome, tell them it's my arms you're waiting to come home to. Tell hem when I get home, you're going to run to me and fall into me. Tell them that you're mine and I'm yours and that I'm one possessive bitch. Say they can't come home with you because you never know when I'll come home from a business trip. When they insist that when you tease, you have to finish or try to make you feel guilty, tell them that your girlfriend shot the last asshole who hurt you and that she has no problem doing it again."

I smiled. "So, you're okay dating me over the occasional phone call and despite having to fight just to touch?" Not to mention my own reservations about being with a woman. Yes, Cabot was fantastic, and if I didn't have to face reality here pretty soon with a pregnancy my mother would hate – and I would have to see her over Thanksgiving and Christmas, and if she didn't know by Thanksgiving, she would know by Christmas. Add the reason I wouldn't let her set me up with some guy this year being that I was dating a woman, and my life would go to shit. That thought gave me pause. If it weren't for my obsessive need to pleasure my mother's religious ideals, I wouldn't have a problem seeing Alex. It seemed strange to me, but then, maybe the less stringent rules I set on other people applied to me, too.

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for, Casey." She kissed me again, just a light brush of her lips. "Besides, I already asked you out and you already said yes. Or am I wrong?"

"You're absolutely right," I murmured, wrapping my arms around her neck. I wrapped my legs around her, and she picked me up again, spinning me around.

When she stopped, she continued to hold onto me. "You have no idea how happy you make me, Casey," she whispered. "I want to stay happy, even over phone calls and messages and packages delivered between the Marshals. I'll wait for you, Casey, for as long as you wait for me. I might not be in witness protection forever. If they catch Connors, I'll be free again."

I smiled. "It's a nice dream," I said, implying that I didn't believe it would happen. I didn't think she did, either, to be truthful, but it was a nice thought. "But, I'll wait until that dream comes true."

Alex leaned back against the wall, sliding down as I tucked my legs back under me so I wound up kneeling to her sitting. "I didn't even know this part of me was so empty until I met you, Alex. I won't give up. My life cannot return to the way it was, all because you picked me up, lost and frightened and wounded. I'm not perfect, but I'm stronger because of you."

Her fingers found my spine, and she rubbed small circles upwards. "Would you believe you're not the only one? Being shot scared me. Shooting David and seeing you bleeding out nearly killed me. But after all of everything he put you through, you made it out of that hospital alive; you fought to survive, and you're still fighting. You're putting your own happiness on hold to give a child a chance at being someone. You're so much stronger and braver than you think you are, Casey, and just thinking about you makes me want to be a better person, a stronger person. I want to fight to come back to this office, Casey, and really make a difference again. I don't want to sell insurance and be called Emily for the rest of my life. Someday, I want to be Alex again to everyone, and I didn't care about that until you were sitting on my couch, so vulnerable yet so strong.

"You may not have run from David and you may think you should have fought back harder, but you did so much more than either of those things. Casey, you're back here in New York City prosecuting men just like David, men who get off on hurting women and children. You may see yourself as weak, but I see you as strong. You've become the protector, Casey. And, it's amazing to see you here, where you are, standing up in the face of always one more."

I kissed her forehead. "For every one I help take off the street, that's also one less. There may always be one more, but as long as I keep going, there's also one less."

Her hands wound through my hair. "That's exactly what I mean, Case. That is strength. It takes so much to see things that way, and you don't even realize it."

I shook my head. "I don't feel strong."

"I think that's how you know you are." Kneeling, I seemed taller than her, and she pressed her cheek against me. I held her. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight against me. Even if I had to let Alex go, I'd never let her truly go. "You're so much more than you think you are," she whispered, her lips brushing the fabric of my hoodie, sending tingling sensations shooting across my body.


	29. Chapter 29

I stared at the judge, doing everything in my power to not look at Jeffery Routers in his expensive suit, neatly combed back hair, and smug facial expression. He was a wealthy business executive. She was a prostitute and a meth addict. I could barely keep her in rehab so that she could at least be sober for the trial. It broke my heart a little more each time I went to the in patient facility to see her. Other than Olivia, I was her only visitor, and it killed me that it took this case for her to have people care about her well being. What was worse was that I knew I couldn't win this case. I would fight for her with everything I had because she deserved nothing less, and I would not send the message that the lost and the wounded could be preyed upon without someone coming back and doing something, standing up for them. I had hated bullying in school, and as an ADA, I only saw more and more of it in this line of work.

I would challenge the jurors in this case to look past what they had been taught in this society – that wealth meant power and that got away with everything – and to see the human victim, not the prostitute or the addict. I was well versed in being a whore, and with Alex's help and Olivia's, I was coming to see myself as human, too, one day at a time. The problem was, it would be easier to see me as human than Ashley. I was wealthy. I had a stable and respectable career. I might fuck without care, but I didn't take money for it. I was a whore or a slut, but not a prostitute. Except that in a way I was, depending on what one considered a 'thing of value,' and that one little phrase separated the sluts from the prostitutes in the law. And, it was all that which ate at my soul. Before she was an addict, a prostitute, or even a victim, she was Ashley, and it pissed me off so much that I had to put up a fight to make other people see that.

"Your honor," I began, irritated already by the defense counsel. Then again, Wyatt Henderson was an arrogant son of a bitch even outside of court. Some defense attorneys could be civil. I had respect for the public defenders, but Wyatt charged over two hundred dollars an hour. If I was wealthy, he was swimming in money. Problem was, Wyatt was good, too. He always gave me a run for my money in white collar. I expected sex crimes to be no different. "What the defenst is requesting is utterly unreasonable. What the detectives found at the defendant's apartment was found during the execution of a search warrant and is therefore admissible."

"The defense doesn't argue what was found, only the legitimacy of the warrant in question, your honor. Defense has reason to believe that detectives and former prosecutor ADA Cabot manipulated and lied to this court in order to obtain the warrant."

I was outraged, and I knew it showed. "To accuse not only the NYPD but my office of perjury in open court, I hope you have more than a mere reason to believe your words, Counselor."

The judge, thankfully, looked just about as stunned as I felt. Judge Donnelly and Alex Cabot had been friends, and I figured she wouldn't take too well for anyone accusing her friend of outright manipulation even if Alex had a reputation of bending the rules. "I agree, Mister Henderson. What proof do you have?"

"Copies of the detectives own reports that fail to indicate that the alleged victim's necklace was ever taken by the alleged perpetrator. Even the victim's statement leaves out any mention of a necklace. Yet, the warrant is granted on the basis of this supposedly missing piece of jewelry."

"I seem to recall more information than that when I granted the warrant," Elisabeth Donnelly said before she turned to me. "Miss Novak?" Her tone said so much more than my name. She was asking me to restore Cabot's good name as well as the integrity of the case. I think she liked Routers about as much as I did.

I shook my head, flipping through the file to the part where the warrant paperwork had been clustered. "I have an addendum to a police report dated two days before the request for the warrant was issued stating that the victim contacted Detective Stabler and stated she couldn't find her necklace in her hospital belongings upon discharge. When the medics and the hospital staff were interviewed, no one claimed to have seen the item, but her doctor did state that he believed the ligature marks around her neck were consistent with the type of chain commonly found on a necklace. The doctor's affidavit was included in the request for a warrant as People's Motion One. Since the warrant request came before the defendant acquired counsel, your honor, the People did not send this report over until the defense requested discovery last week. This packet, however, was sent with the discovery packet, part of which also included the copies of the detective's initial reports which the defense counsel stated he has obtained." _Damn,_ I thought, _Alex covered her ass on this one._ I would have to remember to thank her when I got home. That notion startled me. Alex would be there when I got home from this dreadful hearing. Wow. Amazing. And, oddly right.

Wyatt was watching me the way a wolf watches a rabbit. Actually, the way a lion watches an antelope might have been more accurate. I didn't like that look. That look said I was going to get my throat torn out. I felt small and suddenly helpless, like it was difficult to breathe. _No. Not here. Not a panic attack here. _Donnelly was one of the judges who knew I was involved in a federal kidnapping and attempted homicide case, but she wasn't sure how I was involved. I think she thought I might have been a witness.

"The alleged victim-"

"Mister Henderson, there is no jury here, you can stop saying alleged," Donnelly interjected. Score one point for prosecution.

"Of course, your honor. The victim in this case stated to detectives that she didn't have any jewelry on when she was assaulted."

I bristled. "Victims sometimes forget, your honor, or get caught up in the fear and frenzy of the assault." Hell, I didn't know if I had been wearing any jewelry the night David made me watch my own rape while he violated me again. I could remember what clothes I was wearing because I had thrown them away the next day. But, I could not remember if I had a necklace on that night or not. In the many times David had choked me, I didn't remember if I had any jewelry on. I couldn't even remember which scarf he choked me out with the first night I woke up locked in the closet after an attack. "The People have an expert witness lined up to testify as to the nature of the attack, but that is something that ought to be reserved for trial. Right now, prima facie suggests that ligature marks most likely caused by the chain of a necklace were probably caused by a necklace the victim was wearing."

"Can I see your affidavit, Miss Novak?" Donnelly requested.

Nodding, I removed the doctor's affidavit from the file and brought it to her, standing near the bench to take my paperwork back. Donnelly motioned to Wyatt to approach as well. I shifted uncomfortably when he came to stand near me, but when she covered her microphone with her hand, I fearlessly moved to stand directly in front of her, Wyatt and I touching shoulder to shoulder. "What is your end game in this, Wyatt?" she asked.

"There's so much chaos and inconsistency between the police reports and the requests that it hinders my client's ability to a fair trial if these inconsistencies are not accounted for, which they are currently not."

"I tend to agree with Casey on this one. I remember seeing the pictures of the victim's neck."

Wyatt looked about to protest, but Donnelly shooed us both away, handing me back my affidavit. When we were both back in place, the judge said, "I'm ruling with prosecution on this matter. They followed all the rules of procedure and the items in question from the warrant were found within reasonable limitations set by the scope of the warrant."

I almost danced out of the courtroom. Not only had Donnelly given me key evidence in the case, she had been insulted by the defense. That was not something she would soon forget despite being one of the more impartial judges on the bench. It was hard to sway her with anger, but I think insulting the dead did it for her. Besides, Henderson had practically called her an idiot.

Unfortunately, I danced right out of the courtroom and into one of my detectives. "Olivia," I said, shocked. "Donnelly's allowing the souvenirs."

"Great," Olivia smiled. "We need to talk."

I frowned. I had known this was coming, but I had been hoping to hold it off until Wednesday when Alex wasn't in town any longer. It seemed that would not be the case, however. "Okay," I said, the word slow. "Not here."

"No," she agreed, "but now." I looked at her, surprised at the demand in her voice. "Do you have any idea what you did Saturday night?" I shook my head. "That's why we need to talk. I was hoping to catch you at the office, but Fin said you were out for the day, that you were only coming in for a hearing."

Yes, I was out for the day, and I had been having a wonderful morning with Alex learning all about what it was like to be an only child but with parents who worked too much and saw their daughter less and less as the years progressed. I had learned that Alex was closer to her uncle, a judge in New York, than either of her parents, but that her mother, when she was home, was also very close to her. I had learned that Alex had attended boarding school from the first grade on, so it made her parents' absence in her life a little easier. I learned that she discovered she was a lesbian in the seventh grade but her father had been so angry when she told her parents she liked women that she only dated men until she attended college when her boyfriend of three years shoved her into a wall and kicked her because she told him she would never have sex with him. They had both been drunk and at a frat party when he had tried to get her to go up to a room. Alex had refused. He had tried pulling her up the stairs with him, but he had stumbled, and she fled. He caught up to her outside, and eventually, three football players and two cops had pulled him off of her. After that, she had dated only women saying that she no longer cared what her father thought. He was a good man, Alex had argued, but very homophobic.

"Earth to Casey. You there?" Olivia asked as she handed me a hot dog. I didn't remember walking to the stand down the street from the courthouse with her.

"Yea. I'm here."

"You're worrying me, Casey," Olivia said as we sat down at a table a little ways away overlooking a small park. "You called from a nightclub crying, saying that two men had driven you from the bar to the club for a party. Do you remember that?"

I thought about it. Neither of us were touching our hot dogs, but it was a good pretense. I tried to remember the bar. I got as far as meeting a man whose name I couldn't remember. He bought me a soda because I told him I didn't drink. He had seemed pleasant, but definitely the kind of guy I knew if I took him home, he'd hurt me. He'd slam his body into me until I bruised, and I had so desperately wanted to bruise. I wanted to bleed, but that was besides the point. After that, everything was fuzzy or not there. Mostly, it was not there. I had a few flashes, like the memory of a woman's lips and a man's hands. There was also a memory of me laying on something, though I didn't know what. And, I had a memory of throwing up in the alley. Then, there were flashes of Olivia, us arguing about going to the hospital. Her staying at the apartment for a little while, trying to get me to go to bed. I shook my head. "I don't. I'm sorry."

"I went down there to pick you up, and when I got there, you were laying on the bar in your jeans and a bra letting people take body shots from you. Casey, what happened?"

I shook my head, feeling tears spring into my eyes. "I don't know, Olivia. I don't remember any of that." I put my head in my hands, both ashamed and afraid. "Do you think I was drugged?"

"I'm sure of it," Olivia said. "Casey, you kept telling me you didn't feel well. You were acting drunk even though I couldn't smell alcohol on your breath. What happened when you woke up on Sunday?"

I rubbed my neck with my hands. "I hurt everywhere. But, Olivia, even if I hadn't been drugged, and I let them do whatever they wanted sexually, it's nothing I hadn't or wouldn't have consented to anyway. I'm messed up, Olivia. My head is so fucking screwed up that I can't think straight. I'm afraid to be touched but can't help but think of all the ways a man can make me hurt. It doesn't turn me on, but it makes me feel normal, familiar, when they hurt me. I'm so fucking out of control."

The detective nodded. "Yea, you are. What are you going to do when one of these men actually hurts you? Not the you're still in control of it hurts you, Casey, but takes it too far and doesn't stop when you say no hurt you?"

I thought about that, panic rising in my throat. What would I do? I would have liked to think I would have fought, but my experience with David had taught me otherwise. Would I just lay there and let them do what they wanted? Would I even say no at this point? That scared me the most. I didn't actually believe I would say no. "How do I stop?" I asked. I may have felt strongly for Alex, but I didn't know if my feelings for her would stop me if someone insisted. It would be one thing if I could learn to just not go to bars or to move away from men when they came up to me at the bar, but it would be something else entirely if I couldn't even accomplish that small of a no.

"I'm a big advocate for counseling, Casey. And, for you, I think it might really help to talk out some of what you're feeling. Even when you talk to me, you hold back. Having someone to talk to who you don't have to hold back anything might be more helpful than you think."

I shook my head. "I can't talk about what he did to me, Olivia. I can barely think about what he did to me."

With a look that said she hadn't realized things had gotten that bad before the shooting, Olivia reached across the table and picked up my hands. "Then don't talk about that. Start with other things. Start small, maybe about work or adopting Kiwi or how much us detectives frustrate you or how you're coping working SVU from white collar. You don't have to start with the big things. But, getting a handle on some of the smaller things might help you feel ready to start tackling the big things. And, no matter what you're dealing with, you have a support system out here. You only have to use it. Fin and I are on your side in this, and if or when you're ready to include everyone else, they'll be on your side, too. I want to see you happy, Casey. You've become a close friend, and I don't have many of those."

I stared at her. "You care about me even if I can't give you anything," I said.

"Of course I do, Casey. You're my friend. Caring about someone means not expecting anything in return. Like how you care about Ashley. You did what none of us could do, Casey. You got her into a rehab program, and she's actually been sober for a week. What can she do for you? The case is about her and Routers, so that's not it. She can't give you anything back, but you're still going out and fighting for her. When you care about someone, you just do. Anyone who tells you differently is trying to take advantage of you."

I stared at the table. "David used to tell me if I loved him, then I would do certain things for him," I murmured. "Even when I would say I didn't love him, he'd still make me do it. If I didn't just do it, Olivia, the things he would do to me-" I paused, swallowing my breath. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the tears back. I needed rage to wrap around me. I thought about wanting to hurt David. I thought about Routers and how badly I wanted him to be found guilty and how angry I was that he would probably get away with rape. I thought about David. He would get away with most of the abuse he put me through. He would be tarnished only by kidnapping and attempted murder, both of which he may walk away from thanks to government testing of drugs on military personnel. He may have tried to kill me without the drugs. That he had been off them for weeks before Jensen spoke to me told me he probably would have. Jensen would get away with rape, too. He would get away with tying me up and raping me with two other men. He wouldn't get away with the case Alex had brought against him. I wouldn't let him. And, that did it. I was enraged. I could feel it bubbling through my blood like a welcome hand caressing my very soul. It helped push the fear aside, and I was oddly calm at the center of it all.

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly. "I'll look for a therapist," I said. "I need help." God, yes, did I need help.

Olivia nodded. "Let me know if you want me to pull some recommendations or need help finding someone. Or anything else. Casey, I mean it. I want to see you happy. You deserve to be happy. You're a good person doing good things."

I smiled lightly before frowning. "I'm sorry I called you."

"I'm not. If you find yourself somewhere you need to get out of, don't hesitate to call me. I will come get you. I'm glad you felt secure enough calling me to pick you up."

Nodding, I stood up. Both hot dogs were untouched and cold. Neither one had been dressed with anything. I think they had been purchased knowing full well that they wouldn't be eaten. I tossed my hotdog in the trash. Olivia did the same with hers. "I've gotta go, Liv, but thanks for the talk."

"Hey, no problem. You going back home?" I nodded. "Want a ride?"

Cop car or cab, really. I had taken a cab down to the courthouse after refusing Fin's offer to drive me to the office this morning. "Sure," I said. "Thanks." She wasn't coming in, so it would be okay.

"You didn't work from home today just to avoid me, did you?" Olivia asked as she drew her keys from her pocket and we walked back to the courthouse. The underground garage there was for judges and police.

I shook my head. "No. It's just easier to focus when I can spread out all over the apartment." Besides, though I wouldn't tell Olivia, having Alex there to bounce things off of was proving exceptional. She really was a brilliant attorney. "I'll be back Wednesday."

She looked puzzled for a moment. "Oh, yea. You actually get the day off tomorrow."

I shrugged. "I'll still have my cell for you guys and I'll be working on cases at home. Same thing I do every holiday."

Olivia shook her head and laughed. "Alright. I won't give you shit, then."

The drive back to my apartment was amicable. We were becoming good enough friends that silence between us wasn't awkward, either. "I have another meeting with Andrew and John on Friday. They want to take us both for coffee," I said. "I got the email this morning. You wanna come?"

"Do you want me to?"

I nodded. "I like them both. So far, I think they'll be good dads, but I still want someone with me."

"Alright. Sounds good. What time?"

"Ten, and I asked if they could meet us at the coffee shop by the courthouse."

Olivia nodded, pulling in front of my building. "Perfect. I'll meet you there, then."

"Thank you so much, Olivia. Really."

"It's no big deal. Like I said, I'm really touched that you asked."


	30. Chapter 30

**-A/N: Prepare for the cutsie stuff... because this chap is full of it! Ask, and ye shall receive... except that I'm going to have to push the story on soon. I just want to wallow in the Casey-Alex cuteness for a little while longer... **

I got out of the car and trotted back up to my apartment. Opening my door, I looked around. The place smelled fantastic, and I noticed that before I noticed anything else. Then, Alex came around the corner of the kitchen. One of the agents had brought her little suitcase up – it turned out that it matched mine, except where mine was green and black, hers was red and black – so she had clothes, but she was still wearing one of my zip up hoodies that hung off of her. When I had bought casual clothes, I had bought large shirts. Some of them were still tight to my body, but I had picked out the big ones for two reasons. The first was that I didn't want to be seen. The second was that I figured my stomach would grow into them.

"How'd the hearing go?" she asked as she hugged me.

I smiled. "Great. Donnelly's allowing the introduction of the evidence at trial. She was pissed, too. Henderson practically accused you of lying and her of being stupid enough to believe the lie. It was great."

She laughed. "Wyatt can be interesting like that. Don't underestimate him, though, Casey."

I nodded. It was good advice. "We went up against each other in white collar, too. Most of his clients seem to be of that type. I guess every once in a while, he gets to handle a true criminal case."

"More than you think," Alex said with a knowing smile. I raised a brow. I would have to look into his history with sex assault cases and see what his dismissal rate was. I could pull that off the bar website later that evening, once Alex and I had settled down.

Biting my lip, I closed my eyes. "Damn. I'll look into it and prepare myself. You go up against him?"

"It's nice to have the dead whisper in your ear, huh?" she asked with a laugh. "But, yes. He's merciless with victims. If Routers keeps him retained until trial, Ashley's going to have every possible stone thrown at her. He'll say stuff knowing full well it'll be swiped, but the idea will be planted in the mind of the jury, anyway."

"So, I'm going up against you?" I asked. "Except, where he throws stones at the victims, you threw them at the defendant."

She considered the similarity for a moment before shrugging. "Yea. I guess so."

"What's the secret in beating you?" I asked.

"I have a ninety-five percent conviction rate before plea negotiations, Casey. I don't know if there is a secret."

"Fuck."

"Yea."

We both stood in silence for several moments, pondering the inevitability of the case. "How did you beat him?" I finally asked.

"Between us, it's a toss up. Jury intellect decided our cases. There's a reason I'm not batting ninety-nine."

"Fuck." I said again, wrapping my arms around herself. "I've worked so hard to make sure Ashley can get clean and that she has resources after trial so she doesn't have to go back to her pimp. If he's going to bully her on the stand, he might drive her to use again. I don't want her back in that same situation. It's not fair to her."

Alex leaned against the counter. "If she hadn't been raped and told the police, she might be dead by now," she murmured, quietly. "You forget, I know this case, too."

I closed my eyes thinking about that. If she hadn't been raped, she probably would have overdosed. Or else, her body would have just stopped working. Being raped put her on SVU's radar instead of Vice's, and that played a part in keeping her alive. My hands went to my stomach. If I hadn't been kidnapped, I wouldn't have met Alex. If I hadn't been assigned to SVU, David wouldn't have been paranoid enough to think I would tell the detectives what he did and want to take me away from them. If he hadn't raped me and beat me, he wouldn't have gotten paranoid even if I had been assigned to SVU. If I hadn't met David, I wouldn't be standing here in an apartment with Alexandra Cabot, half way to falling head over heels in love. The implications of that made me dizzy, threatening to cause me to throw up. I swayed, nearly loosing my balance.

Alex must have seen it because she grabbed for me. "I'm sorry, Casey. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have opened my mouth."

Shaking my head, I tried to pull away from her. "Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Oh, God." I panicked. The attack I had been suppressing since Henderson had looked at me like I was prey swallowed me whole. When she wouldn't let me go, I struck out at her, pushing her backwards. She pulled me with her, yanking me close. I fought. I slapped at her chest open handed, trying to shove her off of me. Even as I brought us both down to the floor, I tried to get away.

Still, Alex was stronger. She rolled me and pinned me on my back, her hands gripping my shirt. "Casey!" she barked, her voice both soft and commanding all at once. "You need to focus. Focus on me. Talk to me. What's going on."

"Don't kill me," I sobbed. "Please, don't kill me. I'll do it. I'll do whatever you want me to. Just, please, don't lock me in there tonight. Not tonight." My body wracked with sobs as I babbled. Part of me knew it was Alex above me, holding on to me. Most of me was too panicked to care what I was actually seeing.

"Where? Where am I going to lock you?" The voice didn't fit the memory, but the words were close enough.

"The closet," I sobbed. "I don't want to go there. Please." I felt her pull me against her, and I clung to her, sobbing.

"I'll do anything," I whispered, my body exhausted as the rush of panic vanished under her scent. I pushed my face into the licorice and orange of her and could smell the vanilla and honey of my new body wash underneath it all. I could smell the faint caramel on my hoodie as it wrapped her body. Her scent alone was intoxicating. When mixed with mine, I felt like I was living in a dream.

"Casey?" she asked.

I looked up at her. "I'm here. I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "Don't be. Come with me." Alex pulled me to my feet and held me against her, kissing my forehead. "I want to show you something."

She laced her fingers through mine and lead me out of the apartment, shutting the door quietly behind us. "Alex," I warned. Her fingers tightened on mine and she pulled me closer to her.

"You really expect me to stay inside all day," she teased, leading me to the fire exit. She produced a key from her pocket and I looked at her strangely. "Nick gave it to me down with security when I first got here." The alarm disabled when she turned the key into the door and opened without alerting the entire building to a problem.

Instead of going down, however, she pulled me up until we reached the door for the roof, and she pushed the roof door open, pulling me onto the roof top of the apartment complex. There were eight floors above my floor, but the walk seemed short with her pulling me along behind her. "What are you doing, Alex?" I asked as we stepped onto the roof.

I stared around me at the low lying sun and the lights flickering on below up from the city. Lights from other buildings around us were on and off, too. "It's not Santa Fe, where all the buildings are the same height, but it's still beautiful," she said.

Her arms wrapped around my waist from behind and she pulled me against her. She pressed her cheek against mine, and I realized we were both watching the setting sun. "Casey, he can't make you do anything you don't want anymore. You're in total control of everything you do. Not him, not any of the men you meet in the bars, not Olivia or any of the detectives, and not me can make you do anything you don't want."

"I'm a slow learner," I said, resting my arms on hers. "But, I am learning."

"Good," she whispered, kissing my neck. "I'm going to leave the key with you so you can come up here any time you want to. You can make it your own place. Nothing can reach you up here, Casey, except me."

I leaned back into her, and she just held me, rocking me again, like she had the night on top of the restaurant. She hummed a new song in my ear, one I didn't recognize this time. But, the beat and the tune felt nice and low against my body. "What song is that?" I asked.

"_Nothing Can Come Between Us_," she answered. I shook my head. I had never heard it. She stroked my hair off my face and sang at a low whisper in my ear. "I always hope that you remember we'll never really learn the meaning of it all. What we have is strong and tender, so hold on in the middle of the madness. When time is running out and you're left alone, all I want is you to know that it's strong still, can't pull us apart."

A smile moved across my face as she kissed my cheek. "Where do you come up with all these love songs?" I asked her.

She laughed. "Maybe I'm a romantic at heart."

"I know you're a romantic at heart." I sighed against her. "How does the rest of the song go?"

She turned me around so that I faced her and danced with me while she sang the remaining verses of the song, my arms draped over her shoulders, her hands at my hips, our bodies flush against each other. I pressed my head into her neck, swaying with her as she lead.

Even when she stopped singing, she stood there and held me, and I was more than content to just be held. Everything was right in the world with Alexandra Cabot there. It made me afraid of what would happen when she left. I was genuinely afraid of not saying no to others, not spiraling down the black hole of self hatred again. I might not have loved myself yet, but I was more willing to try with Cabot around. It was as though I drew energy from her. She made me happy. It was strange, even to me. She just made me so damn happy. And, so, I was afraid for when the rain came.

"You make my life magical," I murmured into her neck.

She drew back, looking at me, smiling. "It's easy to make it magical, Casey. All I have to do is bring you into how I feel when I'm around you."

Pressing my hands up to either side of her face gently, I shook my head. "If the guys in the office knew you acted like a love sick fool ever, you'd loose any reputation you ever had as the tough Ice Queen."

"I guess it's a good thing they think I'm dead." She kissed my nose gently, then my mouth much more firmly, possessively. It wasn't the same kind of possessive David had. When David kissed me, he tried to own me. This was the kind of possessive that said that she would get between me and anyone who tried to hurt me. Anyone who wanted to harm me had to go through her, and I tried to give her the same kiss back because for me, it was true. I pulled her against me almost as though I could pull her through me even as I felt like I was falling through her. She groaned into my mouth, her hands sliding down my back around my ass. We fought to pull each other closer, further into each other. I grabbed the belt around her jeans and yanked her hard against me, my other hand under her shirt at the small of her back. I could feed lust off of her, but the same thing today was true as yesterday: I loved the way she tasted and felt and smelled.

When she pulled away, we were both breathless. I leaned against her, and she wrapped her arms around me, still pulling me into her. I could feel heat in my own body and heat in hers. It was nice to just stand in the New York November air, the cool breeze winding around us, though we were warm in our little cocoon. Alex stood there with me until the sun was a small sliver of orange off in the distance and neither of us could see it because of the buildings in our way. She kissed my cheek. "I wish you could see the stars out here, Casey. I can see them where I'm at, and every time I see one flying across the sky, I wish on it. Silly and childish, I know. But, I do."

I smiled, pressing myself into her. "What do you wish?"

"For happiness," she said. It sounded so candid and almost sad that I turned to her, concerned frown on my face. I had been so wrapped up in my own Hell that I had forgotten other people had theirs. What was it like for Alex? She couldn't see her family. She couldn't see her friends. Even here, with me, so close, and she couldn't go say hi and ask them how they were doing.

Stroking my fingertips through her hair, I asked, "Are you unhappy?"

"Not right now," she murmured, catching my hand and kissing my palm. "Not when I think of you."

She still looked forlorn, so I pressed. "What about when you don't?" I was touched that thinking of me made her happy. In fact, it made me giddy inside. But, something about the way she spoke told me that so much made her so unhappy, so scared, and I was a fool to not have paid attention before. How could I have missed all of this? Selfishly, I had been swimming in my own muck. Her telling me about her last boyfriend in college should have been a clue. I needed to spend time on her, as much as she spent time on me. She didn't expect it of me, I knew, but it still needed to be done. Someone needed to show her how much they cared about her. She didn't have to be the strong one all the time. Not in this relationship. I could step up, too. She only nodded, and I tugged her against me, wrapping my arms around her. "Oh, Alex," I whispered. "My wonderful Alex, all I wish for you is happiness."


	31. Chapter 31

**-A/N: I am not fluent in Italian, Romanian, or French. I know enough of each to know some workds and phrases, so if you notice that my translation is on the sucky side, PM me with a more accurate translation, and I will happily update the chapter. If you need translations, let me know, too. I always feel weird translating within the story. Essentially, it's cutsie-mushy stuff. XD I told you I wanted to wallow. I'm going to be as sad as you are when Alex leaves. Also, Happy Thanksgiving to my American reader, and to everyone, I'm thankful you're sticking through this story!**

Brushing the hair back from her face, I admired Alex's sleeping form. It had taken me a while to realize that she had fallen asleep on the couch behind me, my casework spread out on the coffee table while a movie quietly played. But, I had turned to ask her opinion about something, and her eyes remained closed, lips slightly parted, though I had noticed that they never quite closed. That spot, the one between her lips, killed me. I had noticed it that morning, and my knees had suddenly gone weak. It was there when she slept, too, as if when she was made, the clay of her lips didn't quite fit together right. Asleep in the light of the apartment, she looked natural, as though falling asleep on my couch was just something that happened from time to time, as though she had done it a thousand times. Her hair was messy, bunched up under the pillow she held against her head. She had turned on her side at some point, and that had pushed her shirt up, exposing almost perfectly white skin. I was milky and translucent. She was so perfectly white, she looked like cream.

While I was kneeling, I had to hunch down even further so that my lips could brush hers as I tried not to wake her. In sleep, she looked peaceful, as though nothing could trouble her. She was beautiful already, but sleeping, she had the kind of beautiful I had only seen in the faces of the statues of sleeping angels in church as a child growing up. As she breathed, though, her chest rising and falling, I figured my angel was more than a statue. I placed my hand on her chest just to feel her breathe for a little while. She was here, and that amazed me more than anything. I remembered our promise to find something to laugh about and be happy for every night, but I had been slacking. I wondered if Alex had, too. I thought about it for a few seconds before nodding, though she couldn't see. "Thinking about you makes me happy, too," I whispered.

Gently as I could, I kissed her eyelids. She fluttered awake with a small grunt of confusion. "Hey, sleepy head. Let's go to bed." She nodded, standing up, and I guided her to the bedroom, shutting the door behind us. It took until she had undressed for her to realize that she was awake, and that made me smile. I tried to laugh quietly, but all that came out was a kind of snicker.

"What's so funny?" she asked, her voice still thick with sleep.

I shook my head. "Nothing's funny. I'm just enjoying being happy. No one else can say they've slept with you tonight, and I can. It's fabulous." I handed the sleepy Alex a pair of pajamas from her suitcase and pulled the pajamas she had given me from my closet. Alex watched me dress with eyes filled with both sleep and lust. Laughing as I pulled the top on, I moved closer to her. "You see something you like?" I asked.

She only nodded as she pulled me down over her, pushing her lips against mine. By the time our kiss broke, her eyes were lidded with pure lust – none of her was consumed by sleep. "Perhaps not only with my eyes, but entirely with my heart."

Smiling, I breathed her deep into me. "God, you are so amazing." She lay me down, curling next to me, and I laughed again as we both fought to get the comforter and sheets out from under us. She laughed, too, and I just about melted as she pulled the covers over us, holding me close against her. I was going to hate Wednesday night so much. But, I wouldn't think about that right now. Right now, I had the most wonderful woman in the world curled at my back, her arms wrapped around me. Determined, though, I rolled over and held her against me as much as she held me against her, our legs tangled together. When I fell asleep, my hand was on her neck, hers on my hip, our foreheads were pressed together, and Alex humming softly the song she had sung to me at sunset.

/\/\\/\/\/\/\

We woke up in much the same position as we had fallen asleep, though I awoke to Alex's multi-color flecked gray eyes watching me fondly. "Hi, beautiful," she whispered.

"Hi, wonderful," I whispered back, running my hand down her side. "I'm so glad you're here."

She smiled. "I don't want to wake up anywhere else, Casey."

I bit my lip. Tomorrow morning would be the last time we would wake up together for a while. I didn't want to have to think about it, but not thinking about reality had never really been my strong suit. She kissed me, rolling me onto my back as we kissed. Her hand traveled from my hip, up my body, and down my center to rest on my stomach. "Good morning, Casey," she murmured to me before wiggling down and kissing my stomach. "Good morning, Kiwi."

I smiled, my cheeks running a light red. I felt the baby move and giggled. "Kiwi says good morning, too," I muttered. Alex smiled softly as she looked up at me from my belly. I couldn't resist the urge to run my hand through her hair. "Why are you so fantastic?"

Alex shrugged with false modesty. She kissed my navel once more and crawled up to meet me. I spread my legs so she could lay between them, but she kept herself propped up over me, not touching me except for the blond hair trailing down over my face and neck. I touched her hair, admiring how soft it was, even after sleep. My hair knotted, and I had to straighten the natural curls out of it to get it to do what I wanted. David had hated when I straightened my hair, so now that he was gone, that's how I wore it. It wasn't necessarily because that was how I liked it, only because there was a part of me that wanted to and would do anything to defy him even though he would never know it.

Slowly, she lay down over me. I watched her muscles bunch and flex over the mattress as she pushed first her hips against mine, then her stomach, and rolled her body up until her lips touched mine. I pulled her face closer to mine with one hand, the other running lightly up and down her side as I curled my legs around her body. I pulled her against my, sliding my lips from hers so that I could whisper in her ear. "I want you." My breath was hot against her ear, and I could hear the drop in my already deep voice that told us both I was aroused.

Our clothes didn't stay on very long after that. Alex was gentle in that way that told me she would always be gentle if I needed it but that she was also holding back. I pushed her to let loose just a little more, to not be so perfectly in control of her actions. In all honesty, I didn't know if I was ready, but I did know that I was willing to try. I trusted her entirely to stop if I needed her to, and that was the difference between her and everyone else. I trusted no one else to stop anything if I needed it.

Her mouth over mine was harsh with need, and I responded in kind, pushing up against her. I bit her jaw gently, and though she moved faster and harder over my body, she was also slow and soft as well. I wanted her without inhibition, without worry about holding back. I wanted her everything, and damn it if I wasn't going to get it. "Don't make love to me, Alex," I hissed. "Fuck me."

That seemed to do it. I moaned, my body aching for the touch of her hands as we fell into a rhythm of hard and soft. I felt her pull back a few times, concerned if I flinched or twisted myself away automatically. Each time, though, I shook my head. "I'm okay," I whispered. "I trust you." My brain knew. My body was just trying to catch up. She hesitated for a heart beat, but me pulling her back against me seemed to assure her that I wasn't going to leave this experience with regret, and I wouldn't, because it was her. All of me trusted her, which surprised me to no end. I had never felt such absolute trust in anyone since I was a child and trusted my mother, before I knew better than to trust her.

She brought me twice with hardly enough time to breathe between, leaving me in such a state that it was all I could do to wrap myself around her while she kissed my neck, the remaining shivers and twitches cascading down my body. I could barely breathe, let alone speak, and I lay against the mattress – we'd pushed the pillows and most of the covers off in our frenzy – panting.

It was several minutes before I relaxed my grip on her body, Alex licking and kissing my neck lazily, and the image of a lioness gently lapping at the blood of her prey came to mind. Except that I didn't feel like prey. I felt like every long stroke of her tongue threatened to undo what calming down I had managed to do, threatened to rekindle the fire in tiny bursts of wind. But, I was entirely satiated, content with the memory of her teeth on my breasts and my hips, the tiny bit of bite that in any other situation would have been mildly painful but was so filled with pleasure and want that nothing hurt.

"I love that I can do that to you," she murmured when I finally relaxed enough that she could roll onto her side, still pressed against me, still wonderfully warm.

"Hm?" I questioned, my brain still catching up to speech and civilized thought.

Alex smiled, her fingers running down my sternum to my stomach, making me jump and groan, my eyes rolling. "That," she said. "And, that you call my name like no one else's has ever graced your lips, and I love that sound."

I flashed a grin, my thoughts still slow. "No one else's ever has." I saw her eyes flash with something dark and it made me twitch again, deep inside myself. I moaned. It was too much. Of all the people I had taken into my sex life, Alex was still the only one who made me lose control. Maybe I really was a lesbian. Or, maybe it was just Alex. I didn't know, but I had her, now, so it seemed silly to care or to even want to find out.

"God, Casey. I wish you knew what you did to me," she murmured, so close to my ear that I jumped again.

"Too close," I breathed. She only moved her lips closer to my ear, blowing a hot wind over my skin. My back arched of its own accord as I whined her name. Her lips moved to my neck, that spot behind my ear, and I was panting again, my body tight and so close to the edge that it hurt.

"Alex," I ground out, "oh, God, Alex."

Her fingers found my freshly flooded center, and she gave me a strange look. "You're like a fucking rabbit," she purred, the words not sensual, but her voice thick and dark, reigniting that fire that I had worked so hard to calm. She pushed her fingers into me, and I rose to meet them, my muscles clamping down almost immediately. I nodded furiously. I just needed release. The damn nymph brought me to the edge again, and I was going to cry if she didn't push me over soon. Fortunately, I got my wish quickly, a scream tearing out of my throat that hardly sounded human at all as her fingers played inside me, her thumb on my clit, mouth at my neck, other hand rolling ever so gently on that spot at my hip that did me every time.

I stopped screaming as she carefully brought me back down. The edges of my vision were black. Everything that wasn't was fuzzy. Thought completely escaped me, and my tongue felt too heavy in my mouth to even attempt to speak. I rolled my head to the side and watched Alex's mouth move, but I was too delirious to understand what she was saying. Hell, I couldn't even hear her. My entire body was on fire. My eyes fluttered as I looked at her, and the worry left her eyes replaced by that lioness satisfaction again. She kissed me. I knew enough to respond, and even that was weak. I couldn't pick my hands up from the bed to touch her. Strangely, though, I was okay with that. The animal part of me, the part of every human that had never evolved past the days of the cave, before there was fire, felt vulnerable but safe. So safe. So safe, and I think I might have whispered it that time because Alex only nodded.

There were tears in her eyes. I must have asked her what was wrong, but I couldn't hear my own thoughts, so my own voice was definitely too far beyond me. Alex smiled, shaking her head this time, her lips moving, though what came out sounded foreign, so delightfully human, but my brain was on animal instinct. The frontal lobe had been shut off entirely, and it was going to take some time for it to fully reboot.

It took several minutes, I didn't know how many, but I finally stepped out of the fog. As I was able to feel my body again, I realized just how weak I felt. My muscles seemed to have been entirely taxed by either the electricity that had flooded my body or the fact that they had all simply been used up. It made me look at Alex in a different way, though.

"You back, ma lapine?"

I gave her a funny look, nodding. "Oui, ma nymphe. Tu parle français?"

Alex hummed softly in acknowledgment. "Et toi. J'apprends quelque chose de nouveau chaque minute."

"You're not the only one," I mumbled. Her accent was fantastic. I was still obviously American when I spoke French, but she sounded native. "Where did you learn?"

"Boarding school," she answered. "Every summer, students doing well were invited to attend summer school in France. All of the classes were entirely in French. It was learn the language or die trying."

"Impressive," I said, not quite with it enough to sit up yet. Alex lay against me still, anyway, and I was so comfortable with her there that I didn't even want to move. "You sound like a native."

"I speak French, Romanian, and German fluently," she said with a shrug as though it were no great talent to be a polyglot.

"Then you and I have but two languages in common," I said with a smile.

"What else do you speak?" Alex asked, sitting up, somewhat surprised.

"Italian," I answered.

"Fancy," she said with a warm smile, leaning down and kissing me. She still faintly tasted of me, and my eyes rolled and fluttered without my will. I was more bitter than she was, though. It was interesting, and I made a mental note to explore that further later. "Say something in Italian."

I made a playfully thoughtful face before answering. "Mi sto innamorando di te," I whispered, brushing my fingers over her face.

"What does that mean?" she asked. I just smiled and shook my head. "Fine. Then, teach it to me."

That request, I could fulfill. I repeated each word, Alex repeating it after me until she had the whole sentence down. She repeated it back to me, slowly, as though tasting each word. I could tell she was trying to decipher the meaning with her knowledge of the other romance languages she knew. I nodded to indicate that she had gotten it right. "Eu sunt care se încadrează în dragoste cu tine," she said, mimicking the motion I had made by running her fingers over my cheek. I didn't know Romanian, but I knew enough about Alex to know what she had done. I was so accustomed to being the quickest one to piece together new languages that I had forgotten that Alex was equally if not more talented linguistically as I was.

"Honnêtement?" I murmured, switching back to French, not trusting my English.

"Oui, ma petite lapine," she said. "Est ce que ça va?"

I nodded, my heart racing against my chest. "More than I hoped for," I answered, finally finding the English portion of my brain as I brought her against me, kissing her entirely without sexual need. All I could put in there was all I could feel, the emotional aspect of everything seemed compounded into that kiss as I poured it into her and over her. Fear, grief, and anxiety were a part of the kiss, but so were passion, desire, and joy. She took it all from me, and, I realized, gave me the same in return. I wasn't the only one apprehensive. We would be doing this at a lengthy distance physically. Chances were, she had her own reservations separate from mine, but I knew I was reserved because I still saw myself as broken and unworthy. I still didn't know how my family would react. I still didn't know how I was reacting except that every word I had spoken was the truth. I was afraid of the impending trial. I didn't know if it would bring us closer or drive us apart. I was afraid of the distance. Absence made the heart grow fonder, so they said, but did it really? I was afraid of falling in love, of giving myself to another person so completely that my heart would break if anything happened and they were no longer a part of my life. I was afraid Alex would change her mind. I was afraid I would run away from her in that fear and leave her hurting like she had hurt when she had walked through my door a mere forty eight hours prior. I didn't want that fear to ever be in her eyes again.

I gave her all of that as I kissed her, and I think she felt it because she took it all and gave me only two things back. She pressed back into me with safety and joy, and I took them. I took them because she made me feel safe and joyous. I took them because I thought maybe, just maybe, I made her feel the same way.


	32. Chapter 32

**-A/N: Updated chapter for a correction in my French. Thank you, Loar, for helping me with that one! I greatly appreciate it!**

I dialed my parents' number from memory. They'd had the same phone number since I was a child, having transferred their number when they moved during my college years. For one, it was Veteran's Day, and I had always made a point to call my father on Veteran's Day. In the Novak household, it had almost been another holiday, though not in the typical American holiday sense. My father was more proud of being a vet than he was of being a father, though he was proud of his military sons as well. I always teased that I'd stop calling him on Father's Day because of it. We both knew I wouldn't. I may not ever see eye to eye with my mother, but I loved my father and he proved an important peace keeper between the only two true blooded Novak women.

Alex Cabot lay curled on the floor beside me, her head on my lap, body stretched out, allowing me the ability to stroke my fingers along her body. My movement was from nerves, as she was well aware. At that, she stayed entirely still, staring up at me, her hand resting ever so lightly on my arm in a show of support. I hadn't talked to either of my parents since the night at the gas station when I had told David, however accidentally, that I was pregnant.

My father answered on the third ring. "Novak residence."

"Hi, Daddy," I said.

"Casey, hey, Slugger. You made yourself mysteriously absent."

"I'm sorry, Daddy. How are you and Mom?"

"We're doing okay. How's my favorite little girl?"

I smiled at that. I had given him crap about it when I was a teen, and I did now, too. "I'm your only little girl, Daddy, and I'm doing alright."

"We missed you on your birthday. Your mom was worried. She called your office. They said you seemed fine. Call back a little later and tell her you're not mad at her?"

I cringed. "I will. I'm sorry, Daddy." I hadn't said anything, but I had been in the hospital on my birthday, the day I miscarried Kiwi's twin. The day before David stuffed me in the trunk of a car and three days before I met the wonderful blond on my lap. "I'll be up for Thanksgiving if you'll have me."

"Of course we'll have you, Slugger. Are you okay? Why wouldn't we have you?" He sounded genuinely perplexed, and I cringed again. Alex sat up beside me and hugged me, sensing the tension thrumming through me. I held Alex's hand as she offered it, taking a deep breath. Thanksgiving was in a week. Chances were, I could get away with not telling them I was pregnant until Christmas which was just fine with me, but I knew my mother would want an explanation as to why I hadn't come up as planned on my birthday. They'd also both wonder about David. My mother tolerated him last Thanksgiving, but she had not enjoyed his company at her house. I hadn't, either. In fact, it made me sick that I had taken him with me.

"Something happened with David," I answered, my voice small and distant. Olivia was right. I needed counseling. It shouldn't hit me this hard any more. Sure, hard. It had only been two months since he had tried and very nearly succeeded in killing me, but not this hard. "I think Mamma will be glad he's not coming."

"Oh, baby, what happened?" My father was trying to be supportive, but I could hear the joy in his voice. It hadn't taken me long to see through the disguise. It hadn't taken David long to start abusing me after he was Mister Fantastic following my decline with Charlie. But, the threat of a gun to the temple had kept us dating. My parents had both been praying I'd leave him since the first time I brought him to their house. "Did you two break up?"

"Something like that," I said. "He's in Supermax in Colorado waiting for trial."

I heard my father stop breathing for a moment. Then, the sound of fabric adjusting told me he had sat down on the couch. "Casey, did he hurt you? Last time you called, you said you were afraid of him."

"I'm terrified, Daddy. He tried to kill me and nearly succeeded. They had to resuscitate me at the hospital." I had to bite back the tears.

For a long time, my father didn't breathe a word. I wasn't even sure he was breathing, and I swore I could feel his anger through the telephone. "Why didn't you tell us, Casey?"

"There's a gag order in the case. That, and I didn't want you and Mamma to have to worry. It's just that I still have panic attacks with loud noises and crowded rooms, and I'm jumpy as sin, Daddy. And, I'm sorry. It was my fault he shot me." Alex gave me a sharp look as she shook her head vigorously. Even silent, a lawyer will always argue.

"How is it your fault, Slugger?" he asked in that neutral but inherently – though not intentionally – judgmental way he had.

I chewed on my words for a minute. His reaction alone told me my mother was not home, otherwise, he would have behaved very differently. "He told me if I ever left him, he'd kill me. I tried leaving. He held good on his word." I didn't mention that I believed he had kidnapped me with the apparent intent to kill me anyway, or that I thought he would dump my body somewhere I would never be found.

"Casey, honey, you did the right thins." I could tell he was struggling. Then again, what do you say to your daughter when she tells you her abusive ex tried to kill her? Is there anything? I didn't think so. "Are you safe now?"

"Yes, Daddy. The agents on the case are very supportive and careful, and David was remanded." I didn't, and wouldn't, mention his friend who had turned himself in on an FTA warrant just to pass me the message that David was still out for my blood. I wouldn't tell him that the same friend had participated in my assault or that I had even been assaulted. I pushed back tears, and Alex only held me tighter. "Do you have to tell Mamma? I don't want her to worry." Actually, I didn't want her preaching to me. I think my father knew that, but I was just as choosey with my words.

"How about I help you tell her when you come out for Thanksgiving? She deserves to know, Casey, and I don't want to keep that kind of secret from her. You're her daughter first, no matter how many arguments you two have." And, there were a lot of them.

"Alright," I agreed. "For now, just let her know we split up so she doesn't begrudgingly fix enough food to include him."

"The disdain is so thick in your voice, Casey. Please don't hate your mother. She loves you and wants what's best for you. She's just not very good at handling you. You're too much like me, Casey, and your mother can only handle one of us at a time – not that she had much idea how to handle me, either."

Alex stayed nearby as I talked about more mundane things with my father. We hung up, agreeing that I would bring up some desserts for Thanksgiving, nearly a half hour later. I set the phone down and the blond delight still curled around me gave me a questioning glance. "That could have gone much worse."

Alex frowned. "Your dad seems callous towards you," she observed. I cringed. "I-"

"No, it's okay. He's just stoic," I answered with a shrug. I hadn't expected a more mushy reaction from him. To my father, I was alive and David was jail. He wouldn't need anything more to be satisfied. "I'm alive. David can't hurt me. Why worry?"

She buried her face into my hair. I figured that meant that while she disagreed with my assessment, she would bite her tongue. I felt her lips on my neck as she kissed her way down from my ear. I tipped my head, exposing more of my neckline. Alex pressed her cheek to my neck, rubbing her face like a large cat marking her territory. "Aw, kitty," I teased, laughing as she purred in response.

Alex stretched beside me, displaying just how limber she was. Strong and flexible. Kind and tough. And all mine. "We should go out," she told me.

"Mmhm, as if any of the agents will let us do that." I looked at her as she lay on the floor on her stomach, head propped on her hands.

Alex shrugged. "Davies said I couldn't go out in the city. You have a car, right?" I nodded. Not until recently, but, yes, I had a car. "Let's go to D.C for the day."

"That would require slipping your leash," I said with a devious grin. "There's no way your babysitters will let me drive you that far."

"Where's your car?" Alex asked, her eyes alight with anticipation.

"In the parking garage under the apartment complex," I said with a shrug, not entirely following her thought until I realized what I had said. I stared at her, eyes wide. She was serious.

The blond looked back at me as though she had become the Cheshire Cat, and I was Alice. "Do the agents know your plate number?"

I shrugged. "I never told them I had a car. If they looked up my DMV records, then, yea, they've got the plate, but otherwise, I don't think so." I paused. "Alex, that's a four and a half hour drive."

"It's just gone nine, Casey. If we leave at ten, we can be there in time for a late lunch and can spend a few hours hanging out." I never thought I would hear that phrase from the Ice Queen herself. Hang out. What a notion. She sat up again, looking at me with large innocent eyes that I knew were anything but. All she needed was the whiny 'please' and it would be perfect.

Sighing, I rolled my eyes. "Alright, Cabot. You win." She smiled and kissed me. I kissed her back tenderly. "I need to shower," I mumbled into her mouth. Alex unwound from my body where she had ended up in her thank-you kiss. "Counselor, I hope we never butt heads in a courtroom."

She laughed. "I'd flash you a grin and bat my eyes, and you'd be too busy being a puddle to prosecute."

"If I were a puddle, you would fall into me," I murmured, standing and leaning over her so I was on my hands and feet with her directly beneath me in a wider version of the downward facing dog type of yoga pose.

"Petrovsky would be so perplexed," Alex teased. "We'd be one puddley mess. Case dismissed."

"Mmm," I agreed. "One wet, puddley mess." I growled in her ear, yelping and jumping back as she reached for me. I ran into the bedroom, trailing laughter behind me as I pushed the door shut behind me. I managed to get into the bathroom with the water running in the shower before Alex grabbed me around the waist and half pulled, half lifted me from the shower.

I squealed. "A-a-Alex! I have to shower." As I pushed her arms off me, she let me go. I had time enough to pull off my shirt, ready to hop into the water, when her hungry eyes found mine and she pushed me against the wall.

Smiling at her, I twisted her hair in my fingers. I could feel my body's arousal. It had only been an hour since she had brought me screaming her name not once or twice but three times, and my muscles reminded me that they weren't that accustomed to the kind of workout I had been giving them over the past couple of days. Kiwi, however, twisted in me, and I knew she liked the endorphin rush that arousal and orgasm brought on. According to the doctor, it made Kiwi feel happy. I guess, in a round about way, I was spoiling my kid. "What's that smile for?" Alex asked.

I laughed. "In three days, I've had almost as much sex with you as I have had one night stands in two months. Never in my life did I imagine such a thing – nor how fantastic it would be."

"You're like a rabbit, Casey. I bet I could keep you going all day, freaking Energizer Bunny." She pressed her face into my neck. "Besides, I'm still the only one that makes you come." She bit my neck and my knees buckled. Oh, she was so very right.

"And, you're still a nymph. I swear, is all you crave sex?" I teased, pushing her shirt over her head so that she was at least as nude as I was. Mostly, though, I just wanted to feel the weight of her in my hands and bring tiny moans from her lips as I played at the skin around her nipple as much as I played with the two perky peaks.

She shook her head. "I just find pleasing to be an incredible indulgence, and I would lap at such a luxury any time you permit." She was being a smart ass now.

I bit my lip as the warm steam wrapped around us. My flannel pants instantly clung to my legs, reminding me that Alex could turn me on in a heart beat. I squirmed, and she grinned. "Nymphe," I mumbled.

"Ma lapine," she responded softly. "Je veux te voir te tordre de plaisir." I tilted my head back as she trapped my nipple in her mouth, moaning incoherently. Gently, I cradled her head to my chest, encouraging the attention. She didn't need encouragement, though. It was more that I didn't know what else to do with my hands. I was learning quickly that she very nearly got off by getting me off. Granted, I wasn't entirely sure that Alex could take all the credit or if some of it had to do with me being pregnant and in my second trimester. She could take a lot of the credit. The things she knew how to do with her mouth and tongue and the way she could read my body like a book were all her. David may have been able to manipulate my physiological reaction despite my psychological unwillingness, but even with him – willing or not – I had never been as quick to react as I was under Alexandra's careful hands. Then again, I also felt a genuine and complete attraction to the former attorney coupled with a pull from so deep within , I swore it might come from my soul.

My hands pushed her pants down, and I forced her to step out of them with my foot. My flannels were quick to follow, and I pushed them aside as well, pulling Alex by her thighs closer to me. I wedged my leg between hers, which she let me do once she realized what I was doing, curling my foot just above her ankle. The steam from the still running hot water made our skin slick, but the wetness between her legs only made it easier to push her legs apart. I drew my foot up the back of her legs, applying pressure between her legs, rocking my body against her as I nibbled her ear lobe, one hand on her neck, keeping her close, the other dancing circles over her stomach. "Oh, God, Casey," she purred into my neck. "Where'd you learn that trick?"

I ignored the question, not wanting to consider or admit that much of my sexual knowledge, granted there was not much, came about from watching both straight and lesbian pornography 0 only ever because David wanted to show me something he wanted me to try on him or because he got off watching me watch while he manipulated or fucked me. If I were truthful with myself, the number of consensual encounters between us would drop considerably, though the first night I had outright told him know had been the night Kiwi had been conceived. After the first couple of times, there was always the threat of pain in the back of my mind if I didn't do what he wanted. Alex didn't repeat her question. I guess she was learning what silence meant.

My hands were free to trace her body, and I did just that. Alex had adopted a rocking motion against my leg, so I could use the wall for support and take more of her weight against me. Releasing her ear, I kissed her deeply, allowing my legs to drop. She protested softly into my mouth, but it didn't take much convincing for me to pull her into the shower with me. I continued to draw her to me until she was flush against me, my back to the wall, hot water hissing around us. "Put your hands against the wall," I growled, "and take small steps back until I stop you." Thank God for large showers.

She did as I instructed, and I stopped her when she was in a position where she just had to bend slightly to keep her hands flat against the wall. I separated her feet with my body, wiggling down between her legs. She spread herself to accommodate me. I could hear her breathing rapidly above me in anticipation. I rose up on my knees between her legs and licked her center in one swift motion. I cam away with the salty sweet taste of her on my lips. Alex wasn't the only on moaning when I wrapped my lips over her clit and sucked.

Bold, I nibbled at the same bundle of nerves, earning a long groan and a simple instruction. "Harder." Her voice was breathy, and I barely heard her over the steady pounding of water. I obeyed her wish, grazing and biting with my teeth, sucking, licking, and pulling with my tongue and lips until she collapsed against the wall above me, near constant whines interlaced with my name. The new position forced her body to bend more, allowing me easier access. I grinned into her, adding my hands to the careful exploration of her lower body. My cheek and neck were drenched by more than just water. I looked up to make sure she was doing okay, abandoning her with my mouth to use my nails.

Her arms had folded, her forehead pressed against her forearms. She was staring down at me, eyes half glossy like she wasn't fully there. Her eyes met mine, and I rolled her clit, penetrating her with a single finger at the same time. She moaned my name. "Please," she slurred. "Please, Casey. I need -"

I cut her off, my tongue pressing against her as I moved my finger inside of her. Her back arched, and I attacked her clit again with stabbing, probing, and licking motions with my tongue, my fingers working in and out of her. I adjusted my position so I could semi-sit on the heel of my foot, rocking in rhythm to the movement of my fingers. The sensation startled me as I rubbed against my own arousal, and I moaned against her, drawing a similar sound from her mouth. I had never before touched myself for any reason of sexual pleasure, and the sensation was amazing. I no longer wondered why so many men and women masturbated. It made sense – if someone else wasn't around to do the job, why not?

Alex's body tightened around my fingers, her muscles tight and rigid in her legs and stomach, though I could feel the contractions around my fingers. I continued to ride her against my fingers and mouth until I could feel my own muscles tighten internally and I cried out against her. As our breathing leveled out, I rose to meet her, kissing her softly, the water washing away the evidence that anything had happened.

"Wow," Alex murmured, and I barely heard her over the water. "Maybe we don't need to go anywhere. I could always keep you in bed all day."

I laughed. We were like horny teenagers. "I'd stipulate to that."

She gave me a curious look before shaking her head. "Dammit, Casey," she said. My laughter halted immediately. Her visage was much to serious for my tastes. I pressed my thumb to her lips, rubbing gently. What had I missed? What didn't I understand?

"Je suis tellemen accro à toi," I murmured, my mouth over her ear. "Je te veux tellement."

"C'est ce qui me fait peur, ma souris. Tu as si peu d'expérience dans ce domaine que je ne peux pas m'empêcher de me demander-" She trailed off. French could be sexy. In this case, she was actually having a conversation in French, and not one that sounded pleasant, at that.

"Qu'est ce que tu te demandes?" I pressed, pulling from her and leaning back against the wall. "Alex, I don't understand. You were so afraid to push me away, but now it feels like you're the one running."

She reached for me, hesitated, and then reached behind her and turned off the water. I was not going to have this talk in the shower, standing beside her naked, still on fire from our last encounter. I didn't understand what she was saying, and that really hurt. I took the opportunity of her back to me to get out of the shower and wrap myself in a large towel. I handed Alex a clean one from the linen closet by the sink, watching her only through the mirror.

"Some how," I growled, though this time in anger, not arousal, "I think my lack of experience is not what is in question here, Alex. What's really going on?"

She shook her head. "Casey, can you really do this – not touch each other, not see each other for months at a time, possibly ever again? I may get my way now, but what happens when my demands get to be too much? I'm not sure if they'll let me do this indefinitely, and what happens when they say no? Or, if a month or two down the road, you need more than I can give and find a man or a woman here who can provide it to you, that touch, this kind of touch?" Her hand went to the still sensitive flesh between my legs, and I shivered despite myself. "Or a year from now when you don't feel as helpless and realize you can do better than me? All the want in the world won't get me here with you or you there with me. What happens when want is no longer enough?"

I wanted to be angry with her. She was being ridiculous, and I didn't know where her fear came from. I spun on my heel and hit the bedroom hard, yanking an oversized tee from one of the drawers. The towel just did not cover enough, and I let the long tee fall around my thighs. I could not have this conversation naked. Alex followed me out, standing at the door wrapped in the white towel, hair stringy and wet around her face. My anger melted. She looked like she had lost the commanding edge that made her Alexandra. I could not quite accept what change I had seen, but it was nonetheless there. Did all of this really have to do with sex? "You said my 'inexperience in these matters,'" I said, trying to work things out. "What went through your mind when you realized I was on my knees to please you? Were you thinking about the fact that I trust you enough to believe you wouldn't hurt me while I was lower than you, or that you wouldn't kick me? Or were you thinking about the men I'd dropped to my knees for before? Did you think it was meaningless because that's a whore's position, Alex?" I could feel myself growing angry again. It didn't matter how lost she looked. I felt bad, but I was mad, too. "I replaced them the next night, so I'll replace you, too. Is that it?"

She flinched, and I realized with horror how close to the truth I had been with that one statement. She really was afraid I'd leave her. She hung her head, arms wrapped tightly around her body. "People always leave," she said. "Or, like now, I'm forced to leave them. That's how it works. You're going to get tired of this, the me leaving and coming back, the maybes, then, you're going to leave for good."

I bit my lip, frozen as I watched the strength of Alexandra Cabot ebb away in fear and grief. "Alex, they never had me again because they never had me in the first place. God, I'm fucked up. I'm a whore. Yes, sex is how I deal with my hurt and my anger and my lack of self worth – that's the only way I know to value myself. The fucked up thing is that with every one of those men, I felt more devalued, less beautiful, and more hurt when I walked away. I felt used because I had given them something I valued but they did not. When I've been with you these past few days, Alex, it isn't sex for the sake of fucking. I'm here with you, feeling not only you but me. And, I love the way it feels. Deep down, I feel whole – but it's not just having sex with you that makes me feel good. It's hearing you laugh. It was coming back from court to your arms. It's your smile, your scent, your humor. Alex, we may not be touching each other every day or even every week, but if I never see you again and I only hear your voice on the phone, I have the memory of your smile, and I will imagine it every time I hear you speak.

"I told you in Santa Fe that I wouldn't forget you. And, I'll be honest, I tried to think of the connection I felt even then as the side effect of being with someone who wasn't raping me. I won't forget you, though. I can't. You're so much a part of me, it's like you're my soul."

I stepped closer to her, though I did not touch her. "I can't promise you I'll do this right. I can guarantee I'm going to fuck shit up. I'm blind here. I'm almost thirty and the only thing I know about relationships is that I'm not worth getting attracted to. I'm worth hurting more than loving." I pressed my fingers to her lips as she opened her mouth to protest. "I know that's not how you see it, but I'm going to forget that. And, I'm going to forget that it's okay to just be me. I'm going to hide even tough you've already seen everything and I trust you completely. I don't trust me. One thing I won't do, though, Alex, is run. I will never run from you. I'll keep coming back because you can keep taking me. You've had me from the start, and that part of me will always be yours, even if the Marshals start saying no."

I pulled her hair from her face, touching her cheeks with a whisper of my fingertips. "You were crying this morning – why?"

"I was happy just to be with you. So happy, and so afraid I'd lose this happiness."

Pressing my palm against her cheek, I pulled her into me with my other hand. Who knew Alex Cabot was so damn vulnerable? Then again, it made such perfect sense that I Was surprised I hadn't thought of it before. Her hard attitude, that she so perfectly took control, her empathetic nature – sympathy was one thing everyone could have, but empathy was rare and learned through similar experiences. I closed my eyes. The last man she had dated required football players and police to pull him off of her all because she would not have sex with him. Maybe, in some ways, it was about sex for her, too. I may have surprised myself by so freely giving myself to her without regret, but I wondered if her giving herself back so easily had surprised her, too. What else in her life had made her so unhappy, so afraid to lose everything? The look in her eyes said Connors shooting her had only compounded a much earlier notion. Had it been the cases with Special Victims because I sometimes saw the look in the eyes of the detectives? But, I also knew it was our own, personal demons that latched us all to sex crimes. Out pasts were dark. What darkness ate at Alexandra?

I almost asked, but I kept my mouth shut on my speculations. I drew her tighter to me, holding her against me. "You are mine, I am yours; you may be sure of this. You've been locked inside me heart, the key has been thrown away; within it, you must always stay," I whispered, quoting _The Gargoyle._

Quietly, I touched my forehead to hers. Alex's hand came between us, covering my heart. The drum of my pulse was steady and strong. My heart held the same conviction of my words. "I am not going anywhere. I have you always with me," I whispered. I opened my eyes to meet hers and I realized she was crying. The tears had been utterly silent, and I had nearly missed them.

"You make it so hard not to simply let go and finish falling in love," she whispered, her voice betraying her tears. Only that morning I had told her in Italian that I was falling in love with her. Only that morning. Only six morning has we seen each other, yet to be falling so fast. Was I dreaming? I did not know if this was like me, and yet, I thought not. It was hard for me to trust others. My friendships never went so quick. And yet, here I was, wrapped around another woman, more than halfway to three little words I'd never said with conviction, never used with all of my heart. More than halfway, and I already knew I'd get there. Maybe I was already there and just didn't know it.

"So fall, then," I murmured. Maybe part of me did know it, knew it all too well. The control part of me was just afraid to give in completely. The falling sensation hadn't stopped, though. I think it was just that the ground was much closer than I realized. Stepping back, I looked at Alex. At least I wasn't falling alone.


	33. Chapter 33

Alex turned and looked behind us on the freeway. "I'm no expert," she said, "but I thought D.C was in the other direction?"

"It is," I said with a nod as I merged into the left hand lane, picking up speed. We'd decided we both needed to get out of the house, and Alex had jumped at the fact that I had a convertible. It was just past eleven and a nice day for November, and we had made it out of the hustle of New York City without incident. The freeway going north was mostly empty, so I put the Maserati on cruise control and curled my feet away from the pedals.

Alex had been surprised that I would splurge on a car. It was far enough. I was the one girl Eco-revolution in the office, and the reputation preceded me. I didn't tell her I hadn't owned a car until a few weeks ago when the doctor banned me from biking to work. I was initially going to get something more eco-friendly, but that plan hadn't lasted long enough. I figured since I hardly drove it, I'd be okay. That aside, it had made me feel better about myself unlike the sex – both frivolous, but the car I could actually use more long term. Glancing over at the blond beside me, I smiled to find that she had her legs on the dash, seat laid back. I'd put the top down once we were free of the city, and she seemed perfectly at home with the breeze in her hair.

"So, where are we going?" she asked as her eyes turned to mine.

I shrugged. "I was thinking lunch further upstate, and then we could go explore some place off the beaten path."

The look Alex gave me was one of suspicion. "If I didn't trust you, I'd tell you to pull over right now. 'Off the beaten path' sounds like something a serial killer might say to his next victim."

I chuckled. "Only to you," I said, though she was kind of right. Out of context, it did sound strange.

Reaching across the center and into my lap, Alex took my hand, lacing her fingers in mine. Carefully, she brought my fingers to her lips, though my eyes had gone back to the road. We were coming up on a town which meant more traffic and people. I popped the cruise control off and slowed the car. The further from New York we went, the more scenic the state became. It was almost like driving to a different country. Or maybe just a different state.

About an hour upstate, I pulled off the highway, switching the button to cover the convertible. Alex pulled her feet from the dash and sat up, finger-combing her hair back to perfection. "Where are we?"

"Jackie's Diner," I said, pulling into a parking lot. "Don't let the building's exterior fool you. It's yummy." I watched her take in the fifties style diner with some suspicion before she shrugged and got out of the car. The outside of the building was more than a little worn, but Jackie had owned it since she was in her twenties, and I knew she must have been close to retiring by now. I'd been eating at the diner since my sophomore year of college.

"How did you find out about this place?" she asked. It may have been close to the exit, but it wasn't visible from the street. You almost had to know about it to know it was there. Or, in my case, I had needed some extra time to breathe and I had pulled off the highway and stumbled across it.

I shrugged. "It's where I come to prolong the amount of time between my parents' house and mine. They're about a half hour up the road from here."

Alex looked at me, a little wide-eyed. "It's okay. They don't come here. My mom really doesn't leave the house except to go to church or grocery shopping. And, it's thirty minutes on the interstate, still plenty far from here." I watched her relax visibly. Had I really made my mother that scary? Then again, I suppose in some ways, she truly was. I grabbed her hand, squeezing it as I leaned over, kissing her softly. That seemed to fully relax her. I think she might have been afraid that I would be more conservative so close to my family on the off chance someone who knew them would be there. I was already my family's problem child. I could stand another rumor amongst my family. Granted, if confronted about being seen kissing another woman, I didn't think I'd deny it. Part of me wanted to give my mother that heart attack. Part of me knew it was cruel to undermine her belief system. Just because I was far more liberal didn't mean I could rain on her parade.

"Is Stacy here?" I asked, the hostess unknown to me.

"Yea. I'll send her over."

"Thanks." I sat down across from Alex, picking up her hands. "So, I'm not great at the whole romantic thing like you are, but I promise, it's good food."

Alex laughed. "Casey, I'm just happy to be with you. And, you know me, good food is always a bonus."

"Well, it's nothing like what you would make. Just burgers, but they get pretty creative. Ever had a peanut butter burger?"

She shook her head, though she didn't look disgusted. Instead, a thoughtful visage crossed her and I found myself impressed. "That actually might not be too bad. With all the other fixings the same, I imagine it would make the meat more moist and creamy. Is the peanut butter cooked with the meat or spread on after?"

Only a professional chef of some kind would think to ask. "Spread on after. It's what I'm getting. You can have some if you want to try it."

"Sounds good. Other than that, what do you recommend?" I noticed that she hadn't touched her menu.

I bit my lip. So, we were neck deep in sentimentality and sex and I didn't even know if she was allergic to anything. "Of the burgers, there's one called Blue Suede Shoes which is a blue cheese burger with bacon. That's pretty tasty. Horrible for you, but that's how you know it's good. There's also a mushroom melt which is on sourdough instead of a hamburger bun. The chicken taco salad is yummy and more on the healthy side – um, Alex, I hate to admit that I don't know, but are you a health nut? I kind of just realized you've been in charge of food ever since we met."

She laughed. "No, I'm not. I just tend to err on the side of health. But, I'm just as much a fan of a greasy burger as the next American." She shrugged. "I just don't indulge often. Not this way." She winked at me, and I felt heat creep through me. I knew what she was talking about, and it drove me crazy that I would think about sex now for the next several minutes just because she hinted at it. Whether or not she was, I had nothing more to compare my curiosity and instant desire to than being a teenager. Like with the hormonal teen brain, I felt like I obsessed over having sex with her. Though, it was very specifically with her, I had noticed, not the general idea.

"In that case," I teased, looking beyond her, staring pointedly at the expanse of open road. She followed my gaze and laughed, knowing I was joking. "Seriously, though, they have really good sandwiches, too. There's a TBLTA that's pretty good. You like avocado?"

She nodded. "What's the first 'T?'"

"Turkey."

"That does sound delicious."

"Casey?" A pitched squeaky voice said, the seventeen year old practically pulling me out of the small booth to hug me. "Oh my God, it's been forever!"

I hugged the young girl back. "Hey Stacy," I said. Her mother and my mother were friends, and when I had stopped in once and realized Stacy worked here, I made it a point to say hello every time I was up this way. "How are you doing, kiddo?"

"Oh!" She fished around in her apron pocket and pulled out a small blue token with the number eighteen etched in it. "Look!"

I took the coin from her and examined it, beaming proudly. "Congrats, Stacy. I'm so proud of you."

"Yea. My mom says that if I stay sober another six months, I can start seeing Carissa without her supervision. That means we can go to the park and play, and my mom won't have to be there, Casey. It's so wonderful. I hope that I can get enough money together, too, and rent my own place and maybe start with having Carissa on weekends and move up to full time custody."

I pulled Stacy into the booth with me. "That's great, Stacy. You sound like you're doing so much better."

She nodded. "It helps not being around other users. I try to work as much as I can or spend time at the library so I'm not tempted."

"Good girl." I looked to Alex, and I knew I wore a proud expression. I had met Stacy when she was a small child at a small gathering. Her mother lived with Carissa, Stacy's daughter, a few blocks from my mother and the two women went to church with each other quite often. Though, Margaret was far less judgmental than my own mother. "Stacy, this is my girlfriend, Alex. Alex, this is Stacy. Her mother and mine are friends."

Stacy stared between me and Alex. "Holy shit. I knew there was a reason you weren't getting married. My mother keeps saying you have a great career, now you need to find yourself a great man – well, looks like she was wrong." She narrowed her eyes at me. "Jesus, Casey, your mom doesn't know, does she?"

"Hell no," I said. "And, I'd appreciate if she didn't."

Reaching across the table, Stacy nodded. "No prob. Nice to meet you Alex." An older woman waved her hand at Stacy. "Oops. That's the boss lady. Better get back to work. Casey, your usual?" I nodded. "And, Alex?"

"Can I have the-" She looked at me before saying slowly, "TBLTA?" I nodded. "And a Dr. Pepper."

"Yep. Coming right up. Casey, I'll be back on break. I wanna grill this girlfriend of yours before you get out of here."

I laughed as she dashed away to the kitchen to put in our order and see what her boss wanted. "She's a ball of energy," Alex said with a smile. "You're really good with people, aren't you?"

Shrugging, I drew my knee to my chest, resting my chin on it as I sat sideways to accommodate the strange position. "Sometimes. Sometimes, I just suck."

She shook her head. "I just don't believe that." Alex nodded her head in the direction of the double doors Stacy had disappeared through. "You know, she looks up to you."

"Yea. When I met her, she was barely six. When I would come up here, her mom would let me take her around, and I was happy to give her a break. I'd helped raise so many boys, spending time with a girl was fun, so she's like my little sister. I came back up here when she was fourteen and she was already addicted to cocaine. Both my family and hers tried to get her into rehab, but it didn't really start working until she found out she was pregnant. Then, she started going to NA meetings and working on getting sober. It's been a rocky start, and her daughter, Carissa, has some mild brain damage from the drugs, but she's still a great kid and Stacy's trying to do right by her. It won't be easy, but I have to admire the kid for trying."

Alex looked at me. "She seems special, and I can tell you care about her, a lot." I nodded. I did. She smiled softly. "You told her I was your girlfriend."

"You are, aren't you?"

She nodded. "Yea. I just didn't think you'd be ready to tell people you're seeing a woman."

"Maybe not the detectives, Cabot, and definitely not my family, but Stacy doesn't care. There are some people I have no problem showing you off to. There are others where I wish I had the courage – my family, for instance. And, then, there are some that just can't know because of our situation. I mean, my dating a dead woman is a little strange. I don't think the guys at the precinct would appreciate that." She smiled sadly. I knew she missed the detectives.

Twisting in my seat, I dropped my knee and reached across the table to hold her hand. "Alex, it's up to you, but if you ever want me to give something to Olivia from you, I can."

She shook her head. "No. If she knew that you knew, and that we were keeping in touch – I haven't seen her since I left, Casey. She was there when I got shot. I don't know how to deal with that, and I'm not ready to."

"Alright," I said. "That's okay. I'm sure she would understand."

Nodding, Alex smiled. "I'm sure."

I laced my fingers in hers. "It won't be forever, Alex. One day, you'll be okay. This shit changes us forever, leaves scars we never forget, but you and I will both learn to move forward, and we can learn together."

"You're right. I keep forgetting that you're a better survivor than I am." She smiled vaguely. "It's been a while since I've had to take lessons."

"I'm a fucking master at surviving," I mumbled. "I'll school you any day." The mood was getting dark, and I wanted to avoid that. For what little time I had left with her, I wanted to have memories of laughter and fun. We could be moody and brooding over the phone. I wanted her to go back to wherever it was they had stashed her happy.

She laughed. "Okay, okay. Do you think the agents ever caught on?"

"I'm in such deep shit if they did," I said. We had left the radio at the apartment, and while I had my phone, it was off though I had recently learned that the federal government could track a cell phone that was off, too. In a way, I guess it came in handy. We'd also left a note on the counter in case the agents did get suspicious and go in. It had simply said 'Out for fresh air, be back by midnight.' Yes, I was in so much shit if they figured it out.

She snickered. "Hey, so am I. This was my idea."

"No, your idea is five hours south of us, well outside of New York."

"Yea, but this is probably more outside of Zapata's territory."

I shrugged. "Eh, good point. I'm a fucking genius."

"You are," she purred, her voice a low rumble.

"Dammit, Alex. My muscles are way too sore for that voice. You're going to break me, and then we'll never have sex again."

Cabot laughed, full and content. "I leave in the morning. I want as much of you as I can get."

"And, I fully intend on that. Tonight. Not in the middle of a diner."

"Fine, fair, fair, ma lapine."

I smirked. "This rabbit needs a break." She laughed again, and I loved the sound. I wanted to make that sound into a blanket and wrap it around me like a safety net. I had used my anger more than once as a safety blanket. Now, if only I could bottle how her laugh made me feel, I would use that, too. I would use it to protect me from myself. It would still require anger to keep out the rest of the world, but from myself, I could use the sound of her voice.

Stacy came back a few minutes later with our meals as well as a third plate. "Lisa said I could go on break. Do you care if I eat with you?"

It was Alex who gestured for Stacy to sit down, and I moved over, clearing a space for her. "Mind? Of course I mind," I said. "But, for you, I'll do it anyway." I winked at her, and she smiled.

"I still wanna grill Alex."

"She is like your sister," Alex remarked, nibbling at a fry in that delicate way she had.

Stacy jumped on that quickly. "So, what are your intentions with my sister?" she asked, waving a fry in her face.

"Well, all things considered-" She trailed off as I reached across the table and smacked her lightly with the back of my hand. "What? You were even just telling me you needed a break. I think it's safe to say we've gotten that intention out of the way."

Stacy snickered. "Alright, so you've boinked my sis. Great. Well, at least I know you two don't have to worry about birth control." I flushed a deeper pink than I had in quite some time. "Um, I don't, do I? You're not both bi or something and doing it with some guy, right?"

The look on Alex's face was that of pure disgust. "Ew. Penises? Really?" she teased the seventeen year old.

I just laughed. "Despite my dating history, Stace, I don't think either of us are bi." I stared at Alex when I said that, and I saw her pupils widen, absorbing more light with the weight of her shock.

"Ah. Once you taste such sweet nectar it's hard to return to anything so bitter."

"Look whose been reading," I teased. She wrinkled her nose. I was still crimson, and I noticed Alex had a flush of red creeping through her cheeks, too.

"So, what is your intent, now that you've had your way with her?" I nudged Stacy with my elbow. "What? She's had her way with you, hasn't she?"

"I cannot believe we're having this conversation."

Alex chuckled. "It's okay, Casey. I don't mind. I fully intend to be with your sister in every way possible – including having my way with her and her having her way with me – until she'll have me no more."

"You better. I'll hunt you down if you break her heart. You have no idea how special she is to me."

Alex smiled at me. "She's pretty special to me, and becoming more special by the moment. You have my word. If I break her heart, you can hunt me down and slaughter me." She was addressing Stacy, but her eyes were locked onto mine.

"Good. I'm glad we got that bit out of the way. How long are you two staying up here? I imagine you're not going to see your folks, right?"

I shook my head. "It would kill my mother to know that all of her children liked women. I'm just taking Alex out on an adventure for the day."

"How fun."

And, our light chatter continued for the next thirty minutes while Stacy was on break. By the time she had to go back to work, we were all full and happy, the mood considerably brighter with the help of the energetic teen and her teasing of Alex. Personally, I enjoyed seeing Alex so red. It was refreshing to know that her thick skin could be penetrated.

I paid, leaving Stacy my usual hundred dollar tip in the form of five twenties plus the ten percent the IRS expected her to claim. The hundred always went straight into her pocket. It was my way of helping her out while still allowing her to feel proud of what she earned. We had long ago argued about it, when she had first gotten the job at the diner and I had started leaving that extra money. Basically, I had told her the money would be there. What she did with it after was her choice. She could either spend it on things for Carissa and help her mother with groceries for the toddler or she could give it to someone else. I think she was happy to spend it on Carissa. Maybe, too, she would put some of it away to a deposit on an apartment.

"I like that place," Alex said as I turned back onto the highway on ramp. "She's a sweet kid. And, you're a sweet woman for helping her out. You'll make a good mom someday, Casey."

"One day," I said, "Maybe once I've gotten settled at SVU a bit more. But, some of that will still depend on where we are."

Alex shrugged. "Yea. That's awkward. What would you even say?"

I laughed. "I have no idea. Kids, this is your other mom. You can't tell anyone about her, though, okay?"

Alex laughed as well. "Oh, God. That would be awkward." She kissed the palm of my hand. "We can jump that hurdle when you're ready to jump it."

"What about you?"

She shook her head. "I am not bringing kids into Witness Protection. Besides, I'm still holding out hope that this isn't permanent. I don't really want kids without a partner to help me raise them, anyway. Shit. I've always just been ambiguous about children. I always thought I'd let my partner decide when it came to it. I could love 'em, do love them, but if my partner didn't want children, it wouldn't be a deal breaker."

"I want one, maybe two. Nothing like my family."

Alex laughed. "Then, I want one, maybe two as well – but, nothing like your family."

We both fell into a fit of laughter, and I had to slow the car down in the right hand lane for fear that I would swerve and crash. "Jesus, Cabot. Let's hop that hurdle much, much later. That's just one more complication I don't want to think about."

"Then we won't think about it. Where are you taking me?"

"It's a surprise." I smiled at her and sped up, driving her out further than my parents house. We kept the top up this time. The wind had gotten chilly, particularly at seventy five miles an hour.


	34. Chapter 34

**-A/N: Last mushy chapter. Alex goes back to Wisconsin in the next one, then, I promise, I'll actually push the story line. I definitely got caught up in the cuteness, but in my defense, SVU this week made me seriously miss both gal attorneys in the show... I had to make up for that somewhere. **

I think the gravel road surprised Alex as much as it did the car. I usually rented to drive out here to visit my parents, so I typically wound up with a slightly larger car to accommodate more people since my visits were usually over the holidays and the sisters-in-law and I trekked around buying last minute gifts, food, and other whatever the house needed items. That, and there was often a lot more snow than there was at that time, though as we had pulled off the highway, it became more apparent that there had been snowfall a few days prior. Fortunately, the road was short lived, coming to an end at a long, low ranch style home. I pulled the convertible off to the side between a pick up truck and a tractor as Alex watched me over the rims of her sunglasses. "What?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Nothing. Just trying to figure you out."

"Good luck," I said with a laugh.

A woman and two boys, both easily under ten, came around to the car as we stepped from the vehicle. 'Auntie Casey!" the oldest boy cried, hugging me. "Mommy said you were coming over. Is this your friend?"

"Mmhm," I said with a nod. "Except, Luke, you can't get Auntie's friend messy today, okay?"

"Aw. Toby, go put the hose away." Luke frowned.

The other boy looked ready to protest, but my sister-in-law stopped any protest with a stern look. "You can both go put the hose away. I swear."

I hugged the woman. "Hey, Jen. Meet my friend, Alex. Alex, this is Jen, my brother Sam's wife." My introduction alone said that Alex and I couldn't play around as much right now. Jen was far more open minded than my mother – I didn't really even think Sam would mind as long as he didn't have to hear about it or see anything blatantly obvious – but the last thing I needed was Luke or Tobias to open their mouths in front of my mother.

"Pleasure," Jen said, shaking Alex's hand. "Why don't you gals come inside for a moment? Jessica was helping me pack a picnic for you two."

Alex and I followed Jen inside where a four year old girl was sitting, swinging her legs at the kitchen table, eating a peanut butter sandwich; one that I knew had bits of chocolate, coffee, and sugar on it because I had taught her the love of that combination. As soon as she saw me, though, the sandwich dropped back onto the plate, and she ran over to me. I picked her up, spinning her as she squealed. "How is my sweet little girl?" I asked as she planted a sloppy, peanut buttery kiss on my cheek.

"I good, Auntie Casey. You play dollies with me?"

"Maybe later, sweetie. Today, Auntie is taking her friend out on the horses. Is that okay?"

Jessie frowned in my arms but nodded. "Will you ride horses with me?"

"Next time, I promise," I said. "Can you say 'hi' to my friend, Alex?"

Body tucking in an uncharacteristically shy manner, Jess wiggled out of my arms, shuffling her feet on the floor when I put her down. "Hi, Miss Alex," she mumbled before racing back to the table, filling her mouth with sandwich to avoid talking with the adults.

"I heard you made lunch for me and Auntie," Alex said, her facial expression and body language seeming to melt into a more child friendly mode as though she were physically becoming softer. I appreciated her attitude towards children.

Jessica nodded. "Really, it's dinner. Mommy says you're going to trial."

"To the trail, sweetie," I said. Alex was looking at me in a mixture of confusion and needing confirmation. I guess, I was going to trial soon, but that wasn't what the little girl meant. "Shh, though. It's a surprise. Auntie is taking Alex on an early Christmas present horse ride."

"Oh. Okay." She pressed her finger to her lips and waved at Alex. "You didn't hear that." She looked back at me as Alex laughed. "Why does she get an early present?"

"Alex won't be here for Christmas."

"Oh," the girl said, her eyes wide. "Like Daddy?" My brother was overseas. He had been since shortly after nine eleven, and while we were all proud of him, I knew his kids missed him and he was missing them terribly.

"A little bit. Alex doesn't fight the same kinds of bad guys Daddy does, but she fights bad guys."

"Will you send her a care package?"

"Yep," I said. "Will you draw her a picture to put in it?"

The child thought about that very seriously for several moments before nodding. "Okay." Jess slid off to the table again and walked up to Alex, saluting her, tiny chest puffed out with pride. "Thank you, Ma'am for fightin' bad guys."

Alex shook her head. "Uh, uh. Thank you and your daddy both."

"I tell Daddy Alex says thank you," Jessica said as she looked at me.

"Thanks, baby," I murmured, kissing her forehead. "You're a very good girl. Are you helping Mommy by being polite?"

"Yes, Auntie. I make my bed and put my toys away every day, too."

"Good girl. Why don't you finish your snack? Auntie will be back tonight and give you goodnight kisses."

"Okay!" Jess bounced in her seat as she ate, clearly excited.

Luke and Tobias came bolting through the door. "Jasper's ready, Mommy!" Tobias shouted. "We need help with Tigger. He won't stay sill for the saddle."

Alex laughed. "Why don't I help?"

I stared at Alex. She shrugged. Boarding school. Of course she would know how to saddle a horse. "You don't have to, Alex. I can saddle him. You two got here faster than I thought you would, that's all," Jen said, tucking a small box into the old fashioned picnic basket that my parents had given her and Sam for their wedding.

"It's okay," Alex said as Luke took her by the hand and began parading her outside.

Tobias took her other hand, and the two of them pulled. "Come on, Alex!" Luke cried, but I couldn't remember introducing them. Then again, Luke always did feel comfortable around strangers. It baffled me, but it would do him good in the long run.

"Gee, you two are strong," Alex exclaimed as the boys dragged her out of the house.

"We pull stubborn horses around," Thomas answered. "We have to be." And, that was the last thing I heard as the three of them raced to the barn. I heard their laughter, Alex's strong and warm to their childish laughter swarming about the sound she made.

Shaking my head, I turned back to Jen. "They all get so big so fast," I said.

She nodded. "Too fast. So, Alex is your what? Don't say friend. I know that look you just had in your eyes. Emma gives Thomas that look all the time."

"What look?" I asked, moving beside Jennifer to help her finish packing the basket. "Alex used to work at the DA's office. Now, she's gone private for a firm out west. She leaves tomorrow, and I just thought it would be nice to have one last girl's night outside of the city before she forgets about me out here in New York."

Jen waved her hand like she didn't believe me. "Fine. How's the devil incarnate?"

"We split ways," I answered, looking at Jessica to indicate that I didn't really didn't want to talk about it, least of all in front of tiny ears. She might not understand, but she could repeat.

Normally, I would have told Jen to be nice at the 'devil incarnate' part and argued my point to her despite not believing anything better of David. That I hadn't argued this time did not go unnoticed, and I think that gave her some idea of how our break up went because she asked, "That bad?"

"Worse," I answered.

She frowned. "Casey, you're okay, right? I don't have to worry about you?" Jen was an emergency room nurse, and she saw her fair share of domestic violence, both the acts and the outcome.

"Yea. I am. He doesn't know where I live now, so he can't hurt me."

Jen watched me for several long moments. "Okay," she finally said. "You'll have to email me your new address so I can send you a Christmas card."

"I will," I promised, absently closing the basket lid and latching it.

"Auntie," Tobias yelled, screeching to a halt beside me. Toby was six, Luke almost nine. Good children, but Jennifer certainly had her hands full with the bunch of them. "Alex says to go outside."

"Okay, tell her I'm coming." I glanced at Jen while she laughed. Toby raced out of the kitchen and through the front door. "You'll still have to send them to me for a weekend soon, take a break for yourself."

"I definitely will," she agreed, handing me the dinner basket. "You have fun with your just friend."

I rolled my eyes and walked back ouside to come almost nose to nose with Tigger, a chestnut mare. Both Tigger and Jasper were mares, each about nine years old and rescued from a horse rescue even further upstate. They were good, settled trail horses, and that was exactly what I intended to take Alex down. I had expected the blond to be standing somewhere nearby, but she was already mounted on Jasper, holding Tigger's reigns and looking about as at home in a Western saddle as any woman could.

"So, this is why you said blue jeans and a hoodie," she mused. "Well, well, Miss Novak, if you don't know how to treat your friends."

In brushing by her to get Tigger's reigns, I clasped a hand over her leg, biting firmly against the back of her knee through the denim protection. She shuddered. "Sometimes," I whispered. "Thank you. I don't think Jen will care, but when my parents find out I'm gay, I kind of want it to come from me."

"No big deal, Casey. I get that. I do. So, now you've got me up here, what's the game plan?" she asked as I secured the basket behind Tigger's saddle.

Grabbing the horn, I swung myself nimbly into the seat, bending quickly to adjust the stirrups. "I was thinking a nice, lazy afternoon," I said, groaning as I adjusted myself in the saddle. My muscles were definitely, but not unhappily, taxed.

Jen stepped from the house with an arm full of blankets. I gave her a strange look and she shrugged. "If you two get cold while munching," she said, but I knew that wasn't what she meant. Or, it was exactly what she meant. I almost protested, but I decided to play the oblivious Novak girl I was supposed to be, at least when it came to matters of sex.

"Bye Auntie, bye Alex," Luke said as I tucked the blankets between my back and the basket.

"See you two tonight," I said. "Be good for Mommy."

"Yea," Toby said. I laughed.

Turning to Alex, I instructed, "Follow me." Clicking my tongue, I steered Jasper towards the trail head I wanted, and she lurched forward, snorting softly

When we were out of ear shot, I glanced at Alex. "You do look yummy, cow girl."

She smirked. "I know what I'm doing." She clicked her tongue, squeezing the horse's sides, and Jasper took off at a light canter. My hands wrapped in the reigns grasped Tigger's mane, and I urged her forward with pressure to her neck. She took off, happy to race her sister down across the field. Jasper picked up speed, and they both cantered towards the treeline, where the small break in the trees indicated the start of one of the property's many riding trails.

Tigger slipped onto the trail ahead of Jasper, and I laughed, turning in the saddle to look back at Alex. She had sat up straight, slowing Jasper down as she laughed, full and whole, her blond hair flying around her face, afternoon sun catching just right that any photographer would be jealous at that juncture, and I had that split second to capture her in my mind's eye and remember her forever. I trusted Tigger to know the trails she walked on nearly daily well enough that I could watch Alex as we proceeded. She leaned over the mare's neck and rubbed her chest, murmuring in her ear. I couldn't quite hear her, but I imagined it was some type of encouragement.

"Casey," she called, looking up at me from her unusual position. I ducked, covering my head just slightly. She laughed as the branch swept over me, catching and tugging at my hair just faintly. "Probably ought to turn around."

"I can't help it," I said as I flipped back in the saddle and looked forward, ducking the next branch and sweeping some smaller ones from my view. "The view behind me is just so fantastic."

"So is the view in front of me. Personally, I like mine better." I flushed, grateful she couldn't see me blush. As the trees thinned ahead of me, I stood up in the saddle and shook my rear just a little. She laughed again. "That's a nice view, too." Good or bad, I was crimson by the time the trail opened out a few yards up and Alex guided her horse next to me.

"I know I keep saying it, and I'm going to say it until you believe it, but I'm the luckiest woman in the world right now."

"Oh?" I said, "Why is that?"

She smiled, her lower lip drawn into her mouth. "I'm alone with you, Beautiful Lady. I could stay here forever."

I let Tigger drift close to Jasper, my leg bumping against Alex's. "We don't need forever when we have right now, Alex," I said, changing hands with the reigns and reaching out to her hand. "Someone once told me that this moment is forever. I didn't understand it then. Right now, with you, I get it. In this moment, I will never feel better than I do. I will never regret in this moment, and I'll never be afraid. And, it will last forever, even when I do not."

"You're such a bard, Casey," Alex murmured, linking her fingers in mine. The horses drifted, but we stayed connected, and as our arms went taut, the horses stopped drifting a part and moved back together.

I shrugged. "Much to my parents' chagrin, I've always had a way with words." I wrinkled my nose at her and laughed. Pointing ahead of us to a hill, I added, "The trail leads up to that hill, then down around it and back up the other hill. Almost everything else is flatland or trees." I checked that the basket was still secure behind me and shut tight. It was. The blankets were secure as well. I had ridden Tigger like this many a time, and I had ridden her fast and hard without spilling things. "Race you."

"You're on," Alex said, urging Jasper to take off. The mare did, nickering with the freedom of her rider. She was accustomed to people who didn't know what they were doing trying to stay on her back. That Alex seemed to move with her so naturally and gracefully just delighted the horse. Tigger pulled, wanting to join in the race, but I held back just a moment, just enough to watch my wild nymph in the open. Here, she didn't have to hide. She didn't have to obey the rules and stay inside. She was free, and I noticed, freedom suited her. I smiled. After her tiny breakdown that morning, I had hoped this would be good for her soul.

"Come on, girl," I said to Tigger, grasping her mane again and laying low against her. "Let's get them."

I followed Alex up over the first hill, catching her half way up the second. She turned back to me with a smile that told me my assessment was correct. I imagined her like an exotic Amazonian parrot, so long free to come and go as she pleased, do as she pleased, but these months since the shooting, to have been trapped in her house except to go to work, looking over her shoulder, never really sure – she had been caged. It was nice to see her free, even if only temporarily. Near the zenith, I pulled Tigger to a slow trot and watched Alex disappear over it.

"Oh, my God, Casey," she said, panting as I joined her and we stared out at the field below us. It was still part of my brother's ranch, a small haven he had left untouched. The trail veered off around the long grass, but I guided Tigger through it, reaching out and grabbing Jasper's reigns as I passed the horse. Jasper wasn't afraid of long grass, but she was a follower for the most part. Tigger was the trail leader, and when Jen hosted kids out at the ranch, she rode Tigger, Japser hooked behind her so that the kids didn't have to guide the horses. Instead, they all followed in a long, happy line. "I didn't know this existed in New York."

The grass swished around our ankles and calves as we crossed the field. I stopped us both at a very small stream. The trickle of cool water was slower than in the summer, but the sound, even as it moved snow and slush, was refreshing. "Stay up there," I said as I dismounted, taking Tigger and Jasper's reigns in my hands and walking up stream.

The rocks and grass forced me to walk beside Alex, her knee brushing my back every so often. I smiled to myself, stepping back just slightly so that the horses lead the way with gentle guidance from me at their withers. From that point, though, I could lean my body against Alex's leg as I walked, the insides of my thighs sore. I lay my cheek against her calf, and a few seconds later, I felt her hand in my hair. "But he who dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose," I heard from above me, Alex's soft cadence like glitter over my skin.

I looked up in puzzlement at her, but she was looking down at me, a strange look of absolute peace on her face. I smiled. "Anne Brontë, right?"

"Smartie," she teased, a smile gracing her lips, but that peace never quite leaving her eyes. "Do you believe her?"

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for," I responded. "And, anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for." I smiled, kissing her leg. "For you, a thousand thorns could not keep me away."

She laughed. "Nor for you, a thousand more."

I closed my eyes. Here, walking along the stream with Alex riding above me, both a shining knight and virtuous maiden, the world felt right. I could hold on to this forever. This moment would be forever.


	35. Chapter 35

I watched Alex dismount from the still moving horse, her feet touching the ground already at a light jog with the mare. "Show off," I mused, guiding Tigger to the barn. Unlike Alex, I did not dismount until the ride had come to a full and complete stop. I hitched Tigger and Jasper while Alex began working on removing their saddles, the basket and blankets already on the floor of the barn.

We cleaned the horses up as the sun set, boarding them for the night, chattering idly to each other. I think we were both trying to prolong the drive home and out last night together for a while. Personally, I was trying to pretend Alex was in the army. I had learned to cope with my dad's absence in the military. I could just pretend Alex was deployed. Yea, I'd be all right. I was lying through my teeth, but I would be all right.

As I locked the stall behind Jasper, having poured her some grain, I turned to Alex. "Do you have to go?" I asked, my voice almost whiny as I wished that I didn't already know the answer. Her hands found my hips, her lips against mine, and she pushed me up against the closed door of the stall. I whimpered into her mouth, cursing myself for not being able to seize more time with her.

"If I could stop time, I would," Alex said as she broke away from me. Her hands worked my sweatshirt over my head, and I had a moment to consider that this was my brother's barn before her ice cold hands slid under my shirt and bra, caressing my warm skin, my already swollen nipples going rigid under her touch.

"Alex," I moaned, arching my back so I could press closer to her. God, it hurt with the cold, but I wanted her hands on me, in me. I wanted her to consume me. Taking my reaction as a sign to continue, Alex quickly left me topless in the cool night air. It was only slightly warmer in the barn than it was outside, and the cold kiss left my skin in goosebumps. I sighed as her warm mouth met my skin, though she left behind small patches of wet that were fast to become even colder. My arousal was kicked into overdrive at the triplet sensation of temperature. I had wanted to pull her from Jasper and take her all day. I hadn't because it had been too cold, too open, and though the barn wasn't quite private, it was more within my comfort level.

She bit down my breast and sucked hard enough that I know it would leave a hickey. She had been careful not to do that before, but in a way, she was marking me to remind me, to protect me as hers. She put an intimate claim on me, and while it wasn't something for everyone to see, it was something I would see for a couple of days and know I was hers. It was also something others who saw me naked would see. I wondered if, on some level, she wasn't marking me against the men I so regrettably took to my bed. My body was someone else's territory, like a warning to those men that she might be back any minute to reclaim me. Strange, though, because every time David had done it to me, I felt like little more than a slab of meat. With Alex sucking bruises into my skin, I felt safe. Maybe the difference was David's mark carried a threat to me. Alex's, a threat to anyone else.

It didn't matter if she meant it for someone other than me, though, because I wouldn't be going to bars anytime soon. Alcohol was on my list of do nots, so that was out. And, now, so were men. There seemed little use for me to go there, yet, still, I let her mark me, my hand keeping her head at my breast as goosebumps rose tighter along my flesh from the mixture of the original, external cold, and a newer, internal heat. "Alex," I said, about to tell her something, but her hand dropped to my jeans, unsnapping and unzipping the opened. Her fingers slipped under the elastic band of my underwear and pressed over my wet center. The motion was fast enough that I would believe it hadn't been the first time she had done this to a woman with clothes still on. Whatever I had been about to say was suddenly not important as I rocked myself against her, trying to convince her to penetrate me.

I knew there had not been a great deal of foreplay, but after a day wrapped in her scent, watching her move so gracefully, my fantasies were all the foreplay I needed right at that moment. Sometimes, I swore, Alex's smile was all I needed. "Jesus Christ," Alex hissed, "You're so wet."

I could only nod as I pushed against her hand, a small whine emitting from my throat. This time, she humored me, sliding her fingers through my folds and into me. Instead of the long, sometimes fast, sometimes slow strokes I had come to learn that she started with, her fingers stayed burrowed in me, curled over at my g-spot, a pleasure center that I swore she had memorized inside me lifetimes before we met.

I groaned as her fingers massaged me in circles, the rhythm almost perfect with my pounding heart. My hands practically buried beneath her shirt, manipulating her breasts and rolling her nipples, just for something to release my building energy. Really, I wanted to scream, but I had enough sense, thankfully, to not spook the horses. That aside, a scream might attract my sister-in-law's attention, and that would be bad, really, really bad.

The heel of Alex's palm rubbed against my clit, and I jumped, grinding back against her hand. Using her hips, she pushed me tighter into the stall door. My nails raked over her skin, dragging over her stomach in any effort I could made to not scream. Her mouth finally covered mine, though, tongue slipping between my lips, and that did it for me. I screamed my release into her. Her mouth seemed to contain the sound – or maybe the horses just expected it to happen – and she drew scream after scream from me until I broke the kiss, head back, panting, physically unable to go any further.

I blinked at her, my vision blurred, head fuzzy. Her hand slid from my jeans, my underwear soaked, and she rubbed the still wet pads over my lips. I sucked her fingers lazily into my mouth, feeling my body try to react but physically having nothing left to give. Alex had, by far, outdone herself.

She groaned as I caressed and cleaned her fingers with my tongue, her hips pushing up against mine. I could tell by her half lidded eyes and deep moans as I sucked myself off her that she needed the same release. Her eyes rolled up to mine, and it almost looked like it hurt. I doubted anything I could do – my body just felt like jelly – would be able to compare, but I could give her something.

Hands on her hips, I pushed her, my mouth still locked around her fingers backwards toward the stall where Sam and Jen stored the hay. I tugged at her sweatshirt, letting her fingers slip from my mouth, and pulled it over her head leaving her in a tight fitting tee shirt that showed very clearly the outline of her bra. I pushed her shirt and bra up, not removing them, but giving me ample access to her tender flesh. I rolled her nipples in my fingers until she made the sound deep in her throat that was usually followed by a more obvious, 'please.' This time, though, I didn't make her beg. My hands slid over her body to her jeans, and I pushed them off her. Alex stepped out and threw them with my shirt and our sweatshirts. "Panties," I said. They went, along with the shirt and bra, the cold instantly covering her entirely nude body. I could smell her arousal, too, and it was intoxicating. My mouth closed over her nipple, sucking her into me until she groaned. "Casey," she hissed, "it's too cold. I can't-" She grunted as I buried two fingers as deep as I could into her.

"Down, on me," I growled, lowering myself into a sitting position with her straddling my lap, my fingers never leaving the warmth of her insides. I rubbed her clit with my thumb a couple of times before retracting my hand and laying so that I was propped up on one elbow. She ground herself over my jeans, automatically, I think. I stared up at her, admiring her cold, naked body. "I wanna watch you ride me." My voice was filled with lust again as my body worked to try to respond as well. Pushing my hand between her body and mine, I rediscovered her wet opening, twisting two fingers into her.

Her reaction was immediate. She bucked her hips over me, one hand on the wall beside her. The other hand reached out, and I focused on balancing with my stomach muscles, my other hand reaching up to steady her. She rocked over me, her head thrown back in pleasure as my fingers slid in and out of her heated core from a combination of her movements and mine, muscles contracting around my fingers. I felt my own muscles constrict as I became aroused once more, though not nearly as with the intensity of the orgasm she had just given me.

"Oh, God, yes," she yelped as I curled my fingers inside of her. I watched her face as she came hard, leaving my stomach and the front of my jeans soaked. Her lids didn't close, but her eyes rolled back, and when she collapsed over me, face buried against my chest, she was still shaking.

It took us both several minutes to catch our breath, but when we could finally sit up, Alex stared at me. "Holy fuck, Casey. That's new for me."

I looked at her puzzled. "Riding someone?"

She nodded absently. "Sex somewhere other than a home. And, yes, riding someone. I've been ridden, but never – oh, God, you're fantastic."

I grinned. "We better get inside before Jen worries," I said, sliding from the warmly scented hay, buttoning my jeans. A few seconds later, we were both dressed, Alex picking hay from my hair.

She pulled a long, bent straw from my red locks, laughing. "What will your sister-in-law think happened?" she asked, looking as though she wouldn't believe Jen would have reservations around us. Had she seen something I didn't? Or, maybe I just looked out with fear of being judged.

I shrugged. "Honestly, right now, I don't plan on telling my family anything. I love them dearly, but I don't want one more hurdle right now. Right now, I want as little trying to pry us apart as possible."

Alex kissed me, turning off the barn lights and locking the doors behind us. "I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have you," she said as we walked towards the house.

"Second luckiest," I corrected. "I have you. That makes me luckier."

Jen opened the front door as we approached, three pajama clad children racing out to meet us. Luke took Alex's hand while Toby and Jess took mind, and they pulled us through the door chanting 'story time' over and over.

"I was getting worried," Jen said. "I saw you bring the horses in nearly three hours ago." She reached up and pulled small bits of hay from my hair, looking at it critically. She pulled some from Alex's hair, too, and I did everything I could to not blush. Jen turned to me, brow raised high. "Turns out the only thing I have to worry about is what's really in my horses' food tomorrow morning."

"Why don't you three go into the living room and get it set up for story time? I'll need all the pillows on the floor for this one," I said, shooing the children into the other room. Once they were gone, I looked back at Jen, cheeks hot with guilt. Alex was watching Jen almost awkwardly, as if she weren't sure if she were about to get kicked out of the house or not.

"Oh," Jen said, "I don't mind. Where do you think both of the boys were conceived?" If possible, I went an even darker shade of crimson. Alex stepped closer to me, hand on my arm in support. "Casey, I'm a nurse. I've seen it all and I have no right to tell people what's right or wrong or judge them for it. Besides, I may be religious, but something tells me God doesn't concern himself with sexuality. What you do with someone you love is between you and God. I'm pretty confident He prefers that you loved fully and completely another woman as opposed to denying yourself the happiness that is your birthright by being with a man or with no one at all."

Alex's hand slid down my arm, her fingers wrapping over mine. "Jen, no one in my family knows except you now." I glanced quickly at Alex. "And, I don't know when I'll see Alex again. She really does leave tomorrow morning."

Jen regarded Alex. "Not for a law firm out west, though, huh?" Alex shook her head. Jen looked at me. "I've learned with Sam that I don't want to know. If you do something secret, Alex, good for you." Her eyes went back to the blond beside me. "I just hope you know what it means to have a woman waiting for you back home."

She smiled. "I know exactly how much it's worth to me that Casey is here in New York waiting for me, and it's not something I can put a number on. I treasure the fact that she's willing to wait."

I glanced at her, beaming, before I looked back at Jen. "Gee," my sister-in-law said, "if Sam told me that, I'd have to kiss him. That's pretty heart felt, Casey. Don't hold back on my account." Laughing, I kissed Alex chastely.

"Thank you, Jen," I said. I paused. "I don't want my mother to find out from anyone but me."

"I won't tell, but when you're ready to tell your parents, if you need help, I can stand by your side." She smiled at me. "You don't have to tell them alone."

"Thank you," I said, and I meant it.

Red and blue lights cascaded into the house from the windows, and Luke came running through the foyer. "Mom, the cops are outside looking at Auntie's car," he said, stopping in the doorway and looking worried. He was too young to be so worried. I would have to make it a point that Jen send the kids to me for some vacation time sooner rather than later.

"Fuck," I whispered. "They low jacked my car. Bastards."

Jen raised a brow. "I imagine they're checking on Alex's safety," I explained. "She has to be escorted while in the city by the agents. I think we've been away from their circle of protection for too long."

"No," Luke cried, clinging to my leg. "Auntie, you can't leave. You've gotta tell a bed time story."

I opened my mouth to tell him that next time, I would, when Alex interjected. "Auntie's going to tell you a bed time story. We just have to talk to the policemen, first. Okay?" I looked at Alex, not wanting her to promise something she couldn't deliver. She gave a tiny shrug that I knew meant she would get her own way out of this. Of course she would.

Jen opened the door, Alex and I behind her, Luke on my hip, clinging to my sweatshirt. Davies and Roberts stood their in FBI pressed suits, badges out, ready to talk. Seeing Alex and I must have startled both of them because they lowered their badges. I gave a cheesy grin to indicate we were okay. "So help me, you two. We had a heart attack over this."

Alex shrugged. "You can't keep me cooped up. You of all people know that, Roberts. Turn off the lights and come in. Casey was about to tell her nephews and niece a bed time story." Her tone left no room for argument. Though, it was in my nature that I would have tried were it that we were not already on the same side.

Davies opened his mouth, but Roberts held up his hand. "Don't bother, Jim. We'll lose the battle. It's easier to let her do what she wants, sometimes, and get it over with than waste twenty minutes arguing only to do it her way in the end."

James Davies, FBI Agent, looked to me for guidance. "Trust me," I said having learned the same lesson this week, "he's right."

"Fine. One story," Davies agreed, and Jen opened the door further to let them in. Agent Roberts ducked back a moment to turn off the lights, returning once the soft glow was no longer multicolored, though I realized how yellow her lights were for the first time since arriving.

Everyone settled in on pillows, including the two FBI agents. Alex sat beside me, Luke in her lap. Jess and Toby were both directly in front of me, and Jen, Jim, and Tony spread out around them. Jen had made coffee for all of the grown ups and hot chocolate for the kids. "I wanna hear about the billy goats," Toby said, and since he was the only one who put in a request, I nodded.

"Snippity-snip, snap and swill, the tale I tell begins on a hill." I winked at Jessica as she giggled at my rhyme. "On a warm summer's day, far away from the winter chill we had today," I said, pretending to shiver at the cold outside the walls, "in a village where the air was crisp and cool and the sky was an endless, cloudless blue and the green meadow grass swayed in a gentle breeze, Billy Goat Gruff was bored..."

I changed my tone, added hand gestures and facial expressions to the story, put my hands on my hips, and engaged the children with questions with sometimes silly, and sometimes serious answers as I wove a commonly known story. I had told it before to them all, but it was a frequent request, so they were able to yell out things about the story they knew. In the end, I looked around at the adults surrounding me, and even they were smiling, Alex and Jen happily engaged with the children. The two men were just smiling, though Roberts was saying something to Davies that the latter apparently agreed with.

When it was over, Jess rolled onto her stomach and looked up at me, her eyes large and pleading. "One more, Auntie. Pwease?"

I smiled and stood up, picking her up and tickling her. "Once upon a time," I said, "there was a little girl named Jessica who was promised one bed time story before bed." I smiled at her as she pouted. "And, when the story was over and told, Auntie chased her into bed threatening to eat her little toes if Jessica didn't hurry up and fall asleep." I held Jessica upside down and nibbled at her toes. The child shrieked, and when I let her down, she tore off into her bedroom, me running close on her heels.

It took another ten minutes to get all of the children down, but Jen managed. I promised them I would be back soon, and Alex promised she would be back when she could. Jessica gave her another little salute which Alex returned as I watched from just outside of Jess's vantage. "You're fucking adorable," I murmured to Alex as she walked past me and I wrapped my hands around her waist.

"I know," she answered.

"Thank you so much for today, Jen," Alex said as my sister-in-law approached us, the two agents hanging back near the front door. "I had a great time with Casey, and we wouldn't have had such a great time without your kindness."

"And, thanks for keeping my secret," I added. "I'm sorry about the barn."

Jen laughed. "As long as you had fun, who cares?" I had to smile at that. I had never been able to spend time with any of the women who married into the family because I didn't entirely get along with my brothers. We tolerated each other, but I was the liberal and the non-Christian of the family even though I still sort of considered myself Catholic. It turned out, that I got along very well with Jen. She had been kind to allow me this favor, but even kinder to allow me the chance to just be me around someone in my family. She would probably never know what it meant to me, but it meant a lot.

"Casey," Tony Roberts said, holding out his hand. "Keys. You're not driving back to New York. I don't trust you two to not take off again."

I smirked. "You just wanna drive the Maserati." But, I handed him the keys. There were two seats in the back of the convertible. It was a newer feature on the Maserati because for a hundred years, they hadn't done that. I liked the back seat. I didn't know why, but it made sense. "You crash it, I'm gonna cry."

"I won't crash it."

I hugged Jen good bye, promising to email her my new address and to set up a weekend where I could take the kids. Sam wasn't my only brother deployed – Thomas was, too, though Emma didn't have any children yet – but the whole family was stepping in to help manage the kids. That was the cool part about such a big family. Someone was always available to help out. Except that I didn't trust my brothers enough to help me and my father was too stoic. I was going to have to overcome a lot of hurdles to be a true part of my family again, but I think Kiwi made me want to belong to some kind of family. I just hoped I didn't get disowned for being gay.

Alex and I piled into the back of the Maserati, and Tony took off, following Jim back to the main highway. Before we had even gotten to the highway, I was curled up in Alex's arms, drifting in and our of sleep. I hadn't realized how taxed my body really was from the walking, horse back riding, and other extra activities Alex and I had engaged in several times throughout the course of the day. By the time Tony and Jim traded who got to drive my car, Alex and I were both dead to the world.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Morning came too soon, though, and Alex woke me up at two with kisses down my spine. I didn't remember getting from the car to the bed except that at some point the night before, Alex had carried me. "Good morning, beautiful," she said as I rolled over.

I looked at her, my hand tracing her jaw. "Good morning, wonderful," I answered with a warm smile. Her mouth came over mine, and I kissed her back intensely knowing full well that I had a limited number of these kisses until the agents took her away. We didn't come up for air until we absolutely had to, and even then, my hands were already roaming her body, pulling her down on me, touching her, feeling her, memorizing her. I hadn't gotten enough in three days, and this last morning wasn't going to be quite enough, either.

We didn't have sex, not if sex was what we had been doing like rabbits the past three days. What we did was so different, so much more intimate than sex could ever be. There was not an inch of skin on her that I had not touched with either my hands or my mouth, and the same was true of my body. When we each finally rolled out of bed at four, we weren't two people with two distinct scents. We were two people with one. One scent, one soul. I threw my hair into a quick pony tail and dressed in my jeans and my shirt but I took the sweatshirt from her suitcase that she hadn't yet worn so it smelled entirely of her. Without even asking, she pulled one of my softball shirts from the drawer with my last name printed across the back and 'Manhattan District Attorney' in sporty lettering on the front. I had an NYPD sweatshirt that one of the detectives had gotten for me so I felt like part of the team that she took, too. I didn't mind. I figured she would miss her squad, too.

For a half hour, I lay back on the bed with her in my arms in silence. Neither of us really knew what to say. Finally, I smoothed her hair down and said, "Pretend you're going on a business trip," I said. "We can still talk to each other on the phone all you want, and when you come back from your trip – or, maybe I'll be able to visit you – it'll be normal again."

She smiled as she looked up at me. "So, going to bed with you is the norm. You and me being apart, that's only because I got a promotion at work, and now I'm a regional supervisor."

I laughed. "Yea. And, the site you're going to be at is really struggling. They need your hard work and expertise to pull themselves out of a financial hole before they have to close the site."

Alex kissed my collar bone. "It'll turn out that I'll have to stay out there for an extended period of time because their previous HR coordinator really fucked things up."

"It'll take you a while to sort things out," I said with a nod. "You know, fuck ups and everything else. But, you'll miss me every day, and I'll miss you, and you'll call me when the paperwork doesn't clog you up too much just to say hi." I fanned her hair out over her back, admiring the texture. "And, we'll talk about all the stupid shit that happens and all the good shit, too. And, right before you hang up the phone, I'll tell you, 'Good night, my wonderful Alex. I love you.'"

Her eyes met mine softly. "And, I'll tell you back, 'Good night, my beautiful Casey. I love you, too.'" It took every ounce of will I had to not cry, and it was a battle I lost the moment her lips covered mine. As I felt something wet and salty run into my mouth, though, I knew I wasn't the only one who had lost that battle of will.


	36. Chapter 36

Friday morning came all too quickly for my tastes, though I suppose it did mean that I got through Wednesday and Thursday just fine. Maybe not just fine. Maybe I was a spazz and lonely. But, I survived. I didn't think I was going to die, but I wasn't sure what really missing Alexandra Cabot would feel like. All I came away with was that it didn't feel good. It didn't feel like heart break, but it didn't feel great. Wednesday night, I'd had a nightmare that David had been released from ADMAX and hunted not me, but Alex. When he found her, he had brought her to me and made me watch as he killed her, then cut her body to pieces. Somehow, dismemberment didn't strike me as David's style, but SVU was taking its toll on my imagination. Thursday night, I had taken a sleeping pill, so my sleep was wonderfully without any kind of dream. Over all, though, Thursday had been easier to bear thanks to Alex thinking ahead.

A flower delivery service had brought over a dozen red roses and three white ones early in the morning between me arriving and me going to court. The timing was perfect, but of course, Alex knew that. The card had read 'Good morning, Beautiful.' Without a signed name, I knew who the flowers were from. Without a card, I think it would have been obvious it was from her, anyway, unless some creeper was stalking me. Then, I might have issues. This, however, was not the time or the place to have that problem. I might cry. I had buried my face into the flowers almost as soon as I had signed for them. They not only looked positively delicious, their fragrance was quick to fill my office so that all day, I had DDAs and paralegals asking me if I had a boyfriend. I had been vague enough that some of the older DDAs had asked if it was puppy love implying that despite being almost thirty, I was young. I disagreed with the implication, but I somehow just doubted that with Alex this was puppy love.

Even better was that that afternoon, Agent James Davies had brought a small cardboard box into my office. Apparently, Alex's charm worked better on him than her demands because he actually seemed happy to act as errand boy. And, he wanted to see what was inside the box. I obliged his delivery efforts by opening the cardboard box in front of him only to discover another, smaller box inside. This one was wrapped in an antique-blue wrapping paper and tied with a silver ribbon. "When did she give this to you?" I asked.

"Before she left. She asked me to wait thirty hours to bring it to you." He looked at his watch. I looked at mine. I guess she wanted it here after lunch. "She's a very specific woman." I nodded, too eager to speak as I carefully opened the package and lifted the lid. Inside was an antique silver locket, and I pulled it out gingerly between my fingers. The front was decorated with a rose and vine wreath inscribed with 'Io non sono mai senza di te.' Beneath the locket was a small card. I recognized the handwriting of that of my predecessor and lover.

_Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones,  
as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.  
J'espère que tu es toujours heureuse. Je t'aime, ma belle Casey._

"What does it say?" Davies asked, his voice quite as though he wasn't sure if he was invited to know.

I handed him the card. "I hope you are always happy. I love you, my beautiful Casey," I recited. He handed the card back with a fond smile and I returned it to the box. I held the locket carefully in my hands. It was a true antique, and I found that fascinating. Alex had not explained where it had come from, so I was left to speculate on whether she had found it at some antique store or if it had been passed to her by a friend or family. I also wondered if she knew the script on the front was Italian and that it meant 'I am never without you.' It was poetic, heart warming.

Unsure how steady the hinges were, I opened the latch carefully. Inside were two images. The one on the door of the locket was Alex, bright-eyed and mid-laugh. Whomever had caught the image was either talented or lucky. The other was fuzzy and difficult to make out at first, but I recognized it after a moment, my hand coiling automatically over my stomach. Alex had included a cut out from a sonogram, shrunk down so that once I knew what I was looking at, I could tell that Kiwi was sucking her thumb. I ran my finger so very lightly over both pictures, each protected by a thin plastic coat, before clasping the locket around my neck. The chain was long enough that the pictures themselves were twice protected: once by the silver safe that kept them, twice by the press of my cleavage as the trinket nestled by my rapidly beating heart.

And, it was that locket which I held gingerly between my fingers the morning after as I stood before my bathroom mirror Friday morning, waiting for Olivia to call and let me know she was outside. Either she or Fin had picked me up every morning to take me to work, true to their word in helping me to avoid the subway. I appreciated it greatly, and for their extra effort in being great people in general, I had gotten them each Starbucks gift cards to help start the flow of caffeine. Fin swore he wouldn't use his because Starbucks was too effeminate – that wasn't the word he used, but the implication was the same. Still, I had seen the empty cups in his squad car. I just wasn't going to tease him about it.

As if by thinking about her, that drew her to me, my phone rang. "Novak," I answered, purely out of habit though the only person calling my cell this early would be Olivia or Fin. Everyone else called the house line, and I still had one of those. This morning, it ought to have been Olivia unless she caught a case over night and was working on it already.

"Hey. I'm outside," Olivia replied.

I let the locket fall beneath my blouse and moved my hair to cover the chain. The locket was larger than the tiny ones found in stores any more. It was made for a time when pictures weren't digital and one had to stand for a long time for the film to capture the image. That said, the chain was somewhat larger and the trinket weighed heavy at my bosom. "Thanks, Liv," I said as I grabbed my jacket off my bed. "I'm headed down their now." Hanging up, I slid my phone into my back pocket and grabbed my briefcase before trotting over to the elevator.

Olivia handed me a cup of something hot as I slid into the passenger seat of the squad car. It smelled suspiciously of chocolate and peppermint. I smiled. "You know, Liv, I don't give you Starbucks gift cards to get me cocoa. They're for you," I teased, though I was grateful.

She pulled a cup from between her knees as though proving that she had, indeed, gotten herself a cup of coffee. "I got me something, too. Besides, Casey, how else am I going to spend a hundred dollars at Starbucks?"

"Good point," I said with a shrug.

"You doing okay?" Olivia asked me as we pulled back into traffic.

Finishing my sip of wonderfully warm hot chocolate, I nodded. "Mmhm," I answered, setting the cup between my legs. "Why do you ask?" Not that it was an entirely unusual question, but it had been a while since she had asked me that.

Olivia shrugged. "You have a coffee date today with potential adoptive fathers. And, your moods have been everywhere the past couple of days. I can't figure out if one's related to the other or if something else strange is going on with you, Casey."

Blinking, I stared out the window. "I haven't pissed anyone off, have I?"

"Just a defense attorney, but I've never seen you go like that. Do you remember?"

I shook my head. "Did he at least have it coming?"

Olivia nodded. "Oh, yeah. You thought about getting an fMRI or something about your time loss to make sure it's not a head injury that went unnoticed?"

"Sort of. I have an appointment Monday morning with the rape crisis and recovery center in Midtown. Hopefully, I can get myself set up with a counselor who is comfortable addressing sexual assault. I'd like to rule out a psychological reaction first since most of my missing time is in high stress or trauma situations."

Olivia nodded as though she agreed with my personal assessment. In all honesty, I would have called her a hypocrite if she had pressed anything else since she was the one who initially suggested I start with counseling.

"If I can stay out of those tiny machines, anyway, I'm one happy gal."

"Fair enough. In fact, that's pretty together of you, Casey. I'm proud."

"I soul searched this weekend," I said with a shrug. Her brows rose as if in question. "I learned a lot about me."

"Good. It's about time you did." She gave me a grin that made me so grateful we had gotten past my initial faux pas with the detectives and our hurdles as two very independent women clashing in the same work environment – and the whole me not being Alex thing.

"Mm," I grunted as Olivia stopped. "Baby loves chocolate. Give me your hand. It's a brand new trick she's been perfecting this week." Obediently, the detective gave me her hand, and I opened it flat, pressing the palm against my stomach beneath my blouse. I took another sip of the chocolate and felt a few quiet seconds later the hard kick I was becoming accustomed to feeling. The kid went nuts over chocolate, especially. "Feel that?"

"Yea," Olivia said, her eyes distant as she pulled her hand away from my skin. "That's amazing. I – That's the coolest thing ever." I laughed, resting my hand on my belly. I couldn't believe I was two days shy of seventeen weeks and looked so far from pregnant it wasn't even funny. And, yet, otherwise, the baby seemed to be right on track.

I looked over at Olivia, her eyes still somewhere else. "Have you ever thought about adopting?" I asked, suddenly realizing how much she seemed to want to be a mother. It had never really come up in conversation, but it was so obvious from the angle I saw her at now. She was such a protector and instantly went to children. And, children trusted her to protect them. I had a feeling Olivia would lay down her life for the safety of a child.

"With my work schedule, that's not possible," she said with a sad smile. "There would need to be a second parent or permanent live-in nanny in case I got called in to work."

"Would that be so unreasonable?"

"So out of budget, Novak."

I rolled my eyes. "That sucks. I'm sorry, Liv. One day, you'll make a great mom."

"I hope."

Pointing at my stomach, I said, "You wanna give it a shot now?" I was evidently teasing her, so I wasn't worried about her being shocked. And, to my delight, she laughed. My brother, Marcus, always said I could have made it a comedian. I was too often too serious, much like the rest of my family, but I had always been the first one to start cracking jokes, except when my mother was involved. Then, things just went from south to Hell in a heartbeat. I couldn't disarm my mother because I didn't know how to stand up to her. I even got out of punishment as a child from my father and older brother because they couldn't keep a straight face to tell me 'no.'

Olivia stayed at the court house with me even though she wasn't sitting advisement on the case in question. Realistically, it was just a hearing, but damn it if the defense attorney didn't want to draw out the hearing as long as possible. I think arguing with the judge lost him a lot of standing ground on his motion, and, admittedly, he didn't have much to begin with. Throwing out a legitimate police investigation was absurd, but I guess he wasn't doing his job if he wasn't trying.

Finally, though, I had to open my mouth and question if the defense's tactic of filing every motion in the book wasn't holding up his trial unnecessarily and distressing the victim only more and more. Not only that, but I tacitly implied that the judge ought to be offended at the waste of the court's time. The judge was savvy to my subtleties, but he seemed to have agreed long before I opened my mouth. The end result was that he forced the defense and I to set a date for trial within a month.

"I've got trial starting on the second," I said, hand on my hip as I looked through my day planner. "That's been scheduled out four days. So, any time the third or fifth week of December work? I'm thinking we'll need time as permitted by statute to get subpoenas expedited and notices out to potential jurors that they had jury duty." I looked at opposing counsel. He, too, was busy pouring through his trial book. We all lived by them, no matter what side we were on.

"Your honor, I can do the fifth week. If we start Monday and project trial to Friday?"

"Five days?" I asked, raising a brow. "I was thinking more like three. Prosecution expects to take a day. Voir dire should take three quarter's a day. If we set for Monday, I'll be done Tuesday at noon. Unless defense expects cross to go longer than the norm?"

I looked at my opposition. "Not expects, your honor, just preparing for the worst."

The judge looked to me. I shrugged. "Fair enough, your honor. Defense makes a valid point." I wasn't going to argue. If we slated for five days and it only took three, then there were two days no one expected to be open. It didn't kill me. I could finish other paperwork during those two days.

"It's settled, then. This trial has been set for December 29, 2003 with voir dire to begin at eight am. Keep in mind, Counsel, this court will be closed January first in observance of the holiday." Code for – everyone getting hangovers and not going to work. "That makes trial that week a four day trial. Should we docket until Monday?"

I shook my head. "No, your honor. I think Friday should be fine."

Defense, surprisingly, agreed. "Four days should cover it. I would hate to keep a juror's mind over the weekend if we could avoid it."

Hearing complete, I looked behind me to where Olivia was still sitting. She offered a soft smile and a head nod. I returned the nod. I waited until the defendant and his counsel had moved towards the door before I followed close behind them. Olivia stood and met me mid-stride. "You attorneys argue over everything."

"I'll stipulate to that," I murmured, unable to keep the amusement from my voice. "You detectives investigate everything, even things that shouldn't be. Why shouldn't I argue over things that are best left alone?" Olivia snickered. "Besides, it's a lawyer thing, but I've got the ego for it."

"I'll stipulate to that," Olivia murmured earning herself a playful punch. I had all brothers. Punching was what we did. She was a woman in a man's job – she was accustomed to it.

I shifted the binder in one arm to the other. "I'm kind of nervous," I said.

"Why?"

"This whole coffee thing. Besides, it's starting to creep me out that my kid won't be raised by me. I don't know why, just remnants of childhood, I guess."

Olivia looked at me a little strangely as we came upon the elevators. "I don't quite understand," she said in that voice that told me that yes, she understood just fine. She was making sure what she thought she understood was really what I was saying.

"I guess it's my parents' ideal talking, not the Catholic faith. My parents told my brothers that if they made the choice to have sex and their partner wound up pregnant, they better damn well expect to support the child emotionally, financially, and physically. My mother kind of just hoped I would never have sex – I think it freaked her out too much. My father was more realistic, but he was pretty stern on the fact that I would raise the baby."

"But, you didn't chose to have sex."

I shrugged. "That's not how my parents would see it."

"How would you see it?"

Staring at her as we waited the slowly moving elevator, I thought about that. It wasn't until the doors were firmly closed behind us that I realized I had an answer. "I'm afraid to let someone else raise her. What if they do it wrong?"

"Do you think you're her best option?"

"God, no. I'm her worst."

"Do you love her?"

"Of course." I had said that so quickly I hadn't really processed it. It was obvious that I loved this child, I thought, but it seemed odd to admit to it, especially knowing I was giving her up. Though, I had told Olivia I loved the kid before. I wondered why it was so different a feeling this time. Then, I thought about Alex's lips just centimeters from my belly and the fluttering sensations in my stomach and the way the baby kicked out so Alex had felt it. And, I thought about that morning when Olivia had felt her move. I thought about how careful I was to ensure her health and future. And, oh shit. "Fuck."

"What?"

I put my head in my heads and shook my head. "It's bad, Olivia. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck."

"I think maybe you should cancel this meeting. Give yourself a few days to sort this out, but, Casey, sort it out because if you're going to adopt her to this family, they'll need to know. And, if you're going to adopt her, but not to this family, you'll need to get looking again." She stopped, regarding me quietly as we stood before the court house. "And, if you're not going to adopt, you need to think about that, too, because you're going to need time to prepare."

Pulling out my phone with shaky hands, I called Andrew. I got his voice mail and left him a brief message. It was a lie, but it worked. I told him I got caught up in a hearing and asked if they could meet the upcoming Sunday for coffee and apologizing profusely. Hanging up, I decided two things. The first was that I was going to church on Sunday morning. I might not worship in the Catholic faith, but if God heard all prayers, maybe He would answer mine.

For the second, I looked at Olivia. "I need a shot."

She nodded. "I would, too."


	37. Chapter 37

Andrew did call me back, thankfully, before the end of the day. I apologized again, and he said he understood and hoped all went well. I briefly mentioned that I felt the hearing had gone well and asked him again about Sunday. Since the banks and the market were both closed, he was ready to agree. We opted to meet at eleven in the morning since I told him I had some errands to run a little earlier than that. Plus, if Olivia was going to make it, it would have to be after ten. She didn't say why, but that had been her request, and I had agreed. I didn't need to know why. She was doing me a huge favor, and I appreciated it greatly.

Sunday went amazingly well, too. I had it together enough after talking to my old priest to get through the meeting. It was less a formal event as it was the four of us hanging out around a coffee table playing cards. We established that Olivia and I were not a couple, too, which had been somewhat awkward. Olivia had taken it in stride. I had been less comfortable, but that was probably only because I was still struggling with my own sexuality. In my head, it made sense.

The next week and a half actually went amazingly smooth. I was so pleased that I had actually started forgetting that Thanksgiving was just around the corner and that was not going to go smoothly. Also, I had succeeded in putting back on the weight that I had lost. However, for being nearly twenty weeks along and only three pounds heavier than when I initially was diagnosed, my doctor was still unhappy with me. She threatened to put me back on bed rest if I didn't fix the problem soon. I think it would have concerned her less if I hadn't been anemic on Tuesday when I had gone in.

"How is it that you're anemic again, Casey?" she asked me. "We've gone over this. You have to take care of yourself to take care of that baby."

My best guess was that work was a natural weight loss supplement, and while she did not appreciate the nature of my joke, she did appreciate that I was probably right. Some nights, it was just hard to eat with the story of a victim running through my head. She seemed to accept this as plausible but asked me to seriously consider using some vacation time. Which would have been fantastic except that I was nearly out of vacation time thanks to David deciding to put a bullet through my chest. Me? Angry? No way. Though, I had to be somewhat amused that it was over my vacation time that I felt most anger, not over my life. God, I needed help.

"Shall we see if Kiwi's turned so we can see the sex?" My doctor asked, drawing me from my thoughts.

I nodded. "Sure," I said, wondering if it would kill me that Kiwi wasn't a girl.

The gel was cool against my stomach, and I jumped. No matter how many ultrasounds I had, they always made me jump at both the touch of the gel and the touch of the wand. Using the wand, the doctor spread the goo over where Kiwi had been roughly the last time I had been in for an ultrasound. I suppose at this point, she probably was easier and easier to find every time. My eyes went to the machine. The baby was looking more and more like a baby, a true blue human, than a reptile or a fruit in my stomach. "My God," I breathed. The baby's hand twitched as if in response, and I smiled. Only then did it occur to me that while this had been real, it hadn't been solidly real as in more than just a problem to solve, until recently. I thought maybe it had become real only when Kiwi had proffered that very first solid kick when Alex had been pressed against me. I touched the screen with two fingers as the hand moved again. "It's okay, Baby, I'm here."

I watched as the doctor moved the wand across my stomach. "Well, Kiwi's moved since your last ultrasound which is good. Still a little modest, but I can tell you the baby's sex."

Biting my lip, I nodded.

"Casey, are you going to be able to handle actually knowing?" she asked me with a frown. I had always just assumed Kiwi was a girl because of the whole twin thing. Being right, though, meant there was a little me inside of me with what felt like a genetic predisposition to being victimized. If I was wrong, there was a little him inside of me with what felt like the genetic predisposition to be a rapist. But, even as I thought that, I knew it was silly. People chose to be violent. They learned it as children then chose it as adults. Likewise, though, in a way, people must also choose to be victims in so far as how bad things get. It is one thing to be accosted on the street or victimized very suddenly. That cannot be a choice. But, I couldn't help but wonder about me. Did I like it? I have always had an independent outlook, my own financial strength, and the ability to report to law enforcement without. I had been isolated from my peers and friends outside of work, but not from work. I held a prestigious position in the District Attorney's Office. Indeed, it would seem like I ought to be a perfect candidate to leave sooner, not when my hand was forced as I lay dying. I couldn't help but wonder how much of what happened to me was my fault.

The funny part was that I heard both Alex and Olivia in my head simultaneously say, 'None.' I wondered when they had such an impact on me that they began to be in the back of my head. Tiny guiding voices. I didn't doubt their impact on me, but I hadn't recalled either of them making it to my conscience.

"Unless it's a boy," I finally said, sucking in air. "I mean, I have no choice but to complete the pregnancy, and I'm adopting."

The woman just looked at me, eye brows raised. "It's not a boy, Casey."

Tears sprang into my eyes, and I touched the screen again. "Hey, Little Girl, I guess I know for sure, now, huh?" Her hand moved again, and I felt the familiar flutter in my stomach.

"Casey," the doctor said, her brow furrowed. "Your baby is behaving like she's further than twenty weeks. Not much, but at this point, even a week is somewhat significant. When was your last period?"

I thought about that, chewing on my cheek. "I don't really remember. Sometime back in June, near the end of the month."

Turning off the machine, she rolled back to the small desk and flipped through my file. "What's July eighth?"

I sat up a little. "The day I was raped. I hadn't had sex since April before that and after, didn't have sex until early August, after I knew I was pregnant." Technically, that, too, had been rape, but I didn't say that.

My doctor shook her head. "That explains a lot about why she's behaving this way and looks so well proportioned. You're twenty-two weeks, Casey, not twenty." I blinked, not sure why the difference mattered. "She can hear you, Casey, and probably reacts to the sound of your voice. That you and others can feel her kick so definitively makes a lot more sense. It's possible between sixteen and eighteen weeks, but more likely between eighteen and twenty. And, with you having a tilted uterus and a first time pregnancy, it makes sense that you've been feeling her for a couple of weeks now."

"Oh," I said, "So, I'm two weeks closer to thirty eight. Great."

She shook her head. "Forty. You've been marking fetal age, which, you're right. Your baby has existed in the womb for twenty weeks." She shrugged. "You're still due around April first, which is what I believe is in your file, but for medical purposes, your baby is twenty-two weeks."

"She's not mine," I said. "Would you be able to print something out for her adoptive family again? Maybe something cute?" Even I heard the sadness in my voice at that. Dear God, I was spinning out of control again. Where was my Alex?

"Sure, Casey. You said it was a gay couple?" I nodded. The doctor turned the machine back on and I lay back. Kiwi came back on the screen, still semi-stretched out, though one hand was in the air – fluid – as though she were waving at is. Quickly, the doctor took a stilled image and typed in pink letters across the white noise of the fluid sac, _Hi, Daddies!_

"Can I see her again?" I asked after she printed the picture. The woman obliged, and I stretched my fingers back to the screen and touched her hand. "Hi, baby girl. It's Casey. You'll never know me outside of there because I'm not really your mommy. I'm just taking care of you while you're inside me for your daddies, but I wanted you to know that you're beautiful. Through all of this, you've been so beautiful and strong, and you deserve the world." My voice was tight and barely controlled, though I was impressed that I wasn't crying. It was a start.

"Casey," my PCP said as she shifted. "Do you want to talk?"

I started to shake my head but bit my lip and sighed. "I feel so empty at the idea of giving her up. Even though I don't know how I'll look at her if she looks like him, I just can't help but feel like I'm going to make her feel more unwanted, especially when she figures out that someone just gave her away. She's so much a part of my life right now; I can't imagine what it'll be like when she's gone." I could feel hot tears down my cheeks, but I made no move to wipe them away. "It's so selfish to say that because she is better off with another family, but I can't help it."

The image of the fetus froze again, and I pulled my finger back. The doctor left it up there for me to look at as she cleaned first my stomach, then the wand as I stared in fascination. "I don't know these men, Casey, but I have known you as your physician since you were eighteen. In my time as a doctor, I have seen women more sure of becoming a parent than you. I've seen women who wanted it more but were prepared even less. I've also seen women who didn't know what they wanted until they heard their baby's first cry in the delivery room. I've seen you battle hard through this pregnancy. You've been uncertain and fearful from the beginning, and it seems like that's because of the circumstances surrounding her conception. And, Casey, that's perfectly okay. What happened to you was awful. I can appreciate your trepidation, then, with a child born of rape. But, humor me on three occasions. The first is that I want you to imagine that you're in a healthy, loving relationship with someone who never hurt you. If you found out you were pregnant in that situation, would you be ready and willing to be a mother?" I remained silent as she paused.

"The second is that I want you to imagine you had a loving, healthy relationship with someone but you two are no longer together for whatever reason. After splitting up, you find you're pregnant. In that case, would you be ready and willing to be a mom? And, last, I want you to consider talking to your adoption counselor about some of this anxiety that's cropped up recently about adopting. Anxiety is normal, Casey, but I don't want to see you backed into a corner about this when someone could have helped you work it out."

I pulled the sweatshirt I was wearing down. It was Alex's, and I felt more secure wearing it. My hands covered my clothed stomach, moving in slow circles. For several minutes, I thought in silence. "I don't think I would be ready, but maybe willing. I'm pretty sure I would be willing. I could deal with everything else. But, there was no loving relationship. Her father is the reason I'm terrified to be alone at night."

"You asked if having sex and reaching orgasm were healthy in your particular pregnancy today. Why is that? Have you met someone who makes you feel safe enough to engage in intercourse?"

I flushed. "I'm seeing someone, Alex. And, we spent all last weekend unable to not touch each other. It was only after that I thought given the early miscarriage with the other fetus and the complications from being shot that it might put Kiwi at risk."

She nodded. "Like I said, Casey, if it would have hurt her, I would have told you on your last visit. But, how does Alex feel about your pregnancy?"

I closed my eyes, recalling Alex beseeching Kiwi to look after me and remind me that I was more than just meat. "It doesn't seem like either a bother or a burden. If there's anything more positive, Alex is careful not to show it."

"Do you think Alex would stay with you if you had the baby?"

My fingers went to the locket she had gifted me. I knew the answer immediately, but I took my time to process it and say it aloud. "Yes." She absolutely would.

God bless my physician. She was something else. I walked out of her office with three pictures. One said 'Hi, Daddies.' The second said, 'Hi, Alex.' The third said nothing.

At home that night, I found myself some plain paper and wrote a short letter from Kiwi to Alex. _Hi, Alex. I miss you, and Mommy does, too. Mommy's really scared right now, but I'm doing just what you asked me to, and I'm doing the best I can. Today, I showed Mommy that I'm a little girl, and I included my picture so you could see, too. I'm waving. It made Mommy cry. Mommy's really confused right now, though, and I'll be honest, I'm not really sure how to help her. Mommy is afraid of giving me up because she won't be able to keep me safe, but she's scared to keep me in case she can't give me the love I deserve. I think Mommy's most afraid, though, that if she keeps me, she'll be alone. Would you love me as much as you love Mommy? Would you still love Mommy if she couldn't go through with giving me up? I love you and miss you, and so does Mommy. Love, Kiwi._

I wrapped the letter around the picture and put it in an envelope without label. I placed that in a box I had been putting together that so far included a cook book I had seen at a used book store that had notations in it from the previous owner that I hoped Alex would appreciate and a law book of obscure and amusing Supreme Court decisions that I knew she would get a kick out of. Like her, I had gone to Build-a-Bear and found a Novak bear. It was the red and pink teddy dressed in shorts and a baseball tee with a tiny bat loops to its paw by elastic, glove, and ball. To the bear, I attached a note: _I snuggle with your bear and feel you near. Hopefully, this reminds you of me._

Sighing, I closed the box, writing across the top in big, loopy letters just to be annoying: "Emily Schimke."

Jim Davies had told me that I could drop it at his office or he could pick it up from mine at any time. Considering my mode of transportation were detectives who would ask too many questions, I had asked if he would pick it up. It just made more sense. He agreed to pick up the box whenever I let him know I was done. I made a mental note to ask him who he had lost, too. He was bending over backwards for Alex and me, and it struck me as him regretting not having loved enough before she or he, I shouldn't make assumptions, was gone.

My task complete, I crawled into bed wearing only a large tee shirt that Cabot had packed months ago when she sent my back to New York and pulled my bear close to me, pressing my face into it's stomach. Alex had sprayed some of her perfume on the bear before leaving, though, because it smelled like her again. I could smell myself in the fur, too, though, and the mixed scent smelled right in the way my brain took it in. With one arm wrapped around the bear and the other pressed against my abdomen, it hardly took me five minutes to fall asleep.

I dreamed strangely that night. _I was laying in a hospital bed with Alex standing beside me, her hand brushing my cheek. "She's beautiful, Casey," she whispered, drawing my attention to the bundle of pink, flailing limbs in her arms. Reaching up, I touched the baby. She turned her face to my hand suckling, and the scene vanished leaving me tied with a belt around my wrists in a closet locked from the outside. I remembered this. He had done it more than once. _

"_David," I cried, "please let me out."_

"_Shut up!" he yelled through the door, his words slurring. _

_I flinched, feeling a warm body press tighter against mine. "Mommy?" a tiny, nondescript voice asked. I looked down at my red haired daughter. "Why does Daddy hurt us?"_

_Even tied, I managed to curl her against me. "Daddy hates everything beautiful and wonderful, baby, and you're the most beautiful and wonderful person in the world." _

I awoke to my alarm with a small cry, the dream fading around me. I curled my hand over my stomach. "I'll protect you," I whispered. "Whatever it takes, I'll protect you. You're the most beautiful and wonderful person in the world."


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: Okay... sorry. It was pointed out to me that I can't do math and apparently know nothing about how pregnancy is calculated (which is true, I don't), so instead of going back and updating everything, you all got to be bored for a chapter while I amended earlier chapters in a round about way. Little bit of Alex with this one, more of her in the next update. Seriously, let me know what you're thinking. The last chapter and this one were a little sketchy to write, but I'm trying to set it up for their Thanksgiving dinner. It's important, I promise. Bear with me until then? **

I went up to my parents' house the night before Thanksgiving. My mother had requested my help cooking and cleaning for company which was code for she wanted to check up on me after my confession on the phone that David had tried to kill me. My father had asked to see the scar, of course. I showed him. From that alone, he could tell I had been shot with a .40 caliber and it was some miracle that I was still breathing on my own. To have made a nearly full recovery was amazing. I didn't tell him that some days it hurt to breathe and I was prone to chest aches, though nothing that had put me back in the hospital. Nor did I tell him I was still prescribed blood thinners to prevent a future heart attack.

Instead, I just said, "I know, Daddy. God had me on this one, and I'm grateful." I kissed his cheek and hugged him, doing the same to my mother. "Besides, he is very much incarcerated and cannot get to me.

"Oh, Casey," my mother moaned into my neck as she sobbed. "I'm so glad you're okay and you're doing alright."

I hugged her back. "Of course I am, Mamma. You raised me. Remember?"

That earned me a small smile. "She begins with flattery. You'll have bad news later."

"There's no such thing. News is only news."

At that, my father laughed. "Quit being evasive. Take your things to the guest room, then change into something not worn all day. Your mother is dead set on going to church."

"Hail Mary," I murmured, adjusting the duffel bag over my shoulder.

"You've been too long in the city, Casey, you'll need a lot of them." This from my mother.

"I went to confession last week," I pouted. Both of my parents looked at me, surprise evidence in their eyes. I flushed. "My job's been harder than I thought it would be. Turns out I needed divine guidance." I wasn't sure if my mother was going to cry or not. Had I really been so vehement and cruel in rejecting her faith? And, only on the basis that I couldn't tolerate the intolerance – oh, I was aware the irony.

Granted, if she knew what I had confessed to, she might not have been so happy.

_Since January alone, I confessed that I had engaged in acts of premarital intercourse repeatedly with the same man and was now pregnant, though I mentioned that I didn't know who the baby's father was. The priest knew me from when I had first moved into the city after graduating Harvard, before I had dismissed religion, and he seemed surprised by my change in behavior. He also asked all but flat out if the pregnancy was result of consent. When I had answered no, he had made it clear that me being pregnant was not my fault and that it was a strength of faith, not a sin, that I was going to have the baby. "The rape is not my cross to bear, Father, and I did not come here today seeking absolution for an act in which I committed no wrong." _

_I did tell him that I had very seriously considered abortion, though the moral responsibility taxed me so much that I think I had caused the miscarriage as a subconscious response to not wanting to carry that burden but still wanting to be rid of the evidence of sexual assault. I also told him about the twenty some men I had slept with over the course of two months, many more than one in a night. That, I think, surprised him, but he was a good man. He hardly let it show. I told him about Alex and how I thought I was falling in love. When he asked what was wrong with that, I explained that Alex was short for Alexandra._

_He had handed down punishment for the premarital sex acts only, the very first and most prominent of my sins, but for the very last, that of loving a woman, he had asked, "Casey, what's your view on love? How do you think God views love? And, what would He expect of you?"_

_I blinked. "I am not God, Father."_

"_Think back to your bible." _

_I shook my head. "Father, with all due respect, it has been a painfully long time since I've read a bible." _

"_Then, let me ask a different question – do you feel less worthy of God for loving a woman?"_

"_No," I said. "I feel like because I love even that which I shouldn't in a manner in which I am told is wrong, my God would be happier for me. After all, He loves as no mortal may even conceive, and it seems like He would not turn his back on love, any love. Love is the one thing evil cannot do. Evil cannot even love evil. It cannot, from what I have seen, even love the act of evil. Alex is neither my apple nor my snake, Father. She is that perfect love and trust that tells me that before God and my peers, I have nothing to hide." _

"_Sounds like she helped renew your faith?" I nodded. As strange as it seems, she had. "It hardly seems just, then, to punish you for the path that brought you home." _

"_You're a radical man, Father," I murmured. "I do not know others would hold the same opinion." _

"_You mean your parents and siblings?" I nodded. "Perhaps not, but listen to your heart, not theirs. God speaks to us all differently, Casey." _

"Earth to Casey," my father's voice brought me back to the present and out of the trance-like state I was in. "Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere," I answered, rushing up the stairs.

Quickly, I changed from the suit I had worn to court into a blue and white skirt and white blouse I had packed specifically for the occasion. I pulled on some black leather flats and grabbed the jacket I had packed – the black one that had once been Alex's. Tomorrow, there would be a priest in the house which meant some form of prayer in the living room before and/or after church in the morning. Tonight, though, was Wednesday mass. And, my mother went weekly.

I climbed into the backseat of my parents' station wagon feeling like I was a kid again. Though, this time, I was the one pregnant, not my mother. I rested my hands over my stomach, my fingers tracing in small circles as I hummed, softly, a lullaby. After a few minutes of near silence, I finally broke the tension in the car. "Am I the only kid coming up early?"

"We're meeting Thom, Emma, Marcus, Susan, Max, and Laurie all at church," my mother said, listing off my siblings and their respective wives. "They'll come back for a late dinner, but they're all staying at Jen's tonight since she's got the extra rooms at the ranch."

"Oh," I said, thinking of Jen. She had been so kind and understanding about my loving a woman in the Sapphic sense. When I did finally break it to the rest of the family, I was glad to know she was already on my side. "Why isn't Jen coming?"

"She's putting the kids down early so that she can be here early in the morning for mass."

I nodded. Fair enough. Staring out the window, I continued to trace my small but ever so slightly swollen stomach. Mostly, I pondered over what Olivia had said. She was right. I needed to figure this out fast. It wasn't just me and Kiwi but Andrew and John, too. And, if I kept the baby, Alexandra.

"You seem distracted tonight, Slugger," my father observed as he closed the door to the back seat, having slid into the seat beside me. I hadn't even noticed we had arrived. My mother was already gone. When I had been a moody teen who had hated my mother, my father used to similarly reserve backseat talks. This time, my mother and I hadn't fought, but my father always had been beeter at drawing information out of me.

I shook my head. "It's hard to leave work at work. I've got a couple of cases that are-" I hesitated, searching for the appropriate word. "Disturbing."

My father nodded his head. "I gotcha, Case. Some battles just haunt you." I nodded. He looked me over like he had some sort of respect for me that hadn't always entirely been there. "You're a fighter, kid. You'll pull through."

"Is there a second option?" I teased with a smile.

"That's my girl. Now, your mom really wants you to take mass seriously. I know you have mixed views on religion, but humor her." I nodded. "Did you really go to confession?"

"My word of honor," I said. My father looked a mixture of surprised, amused, and worried. Then again, if I was turning to the divine with my history, I could understand why he was worried. My problems were not small or punitive in nature. Hopefully, though, for me, it was a sign of healing, not worse to come.

Climbing out of the car, I followed my father into church. It took a truly conscious effort to keep my hands from my stomach. It had become a comforting position for me, and I was very, very uncomfortable. It was the closest I could come to touching Kiwi.

Part way through the service, I lay my head on my mother's shoulder and held her hand. I could play nice for a couple of days, right? Maybe I didn't have to be argumentative or egotistical for twenty-four hours. I'd get back to the city tomorrow night, and I could disappoint her then. My mother's hand covered my thigh, though, and I looked over at her. She looked content. Was it the church? Or because I was her only daughter, and I had come home, even temporarily? How much of my rebellion and rejection had truly hurt her? I would never know. I would never ask. And, even if I did, she would never say. Of course, I was also concerned at how quickly her affection would drop once she learned of Alexandra. Would her love for me as her only daughter outweigh her homophobia?

In trying to put that from my mind, I focused back on the sermon. The priest was telling some anecdotal story from his life experience that correlated to the theme of the night, but I just couldn't follow it. I couldn't focus, so I just let my mind wander. I just thought, and that was dangerous. _God, if you're still listening to me, I'm sorry I've fucked so much up. You've given me so much good to counterbalance this bad, but I still seem to make all the wrong decisions. I need guidance now, and I cannot promise anything in return. I need help figuring out the best path for my daughter. As with any infant, she has so much potential, but I don't know where to proceed in order to best help her in the long run. My little Kiwi's gonna be here soon, and I just don't have the answers._

Feeling tears begin to overwhelm my body, I stood up, pleading needing to use the restroom. Once away from the small but dedicated congregation, I practically bolted outside, sucking down fresh air until I threw up in the bushes. My body tried to gag again, but it was unsuccessful in throwing anything further up. I hadn't eaten all day, so I wasn't surprised. And, I wondered why I was anemic.

Shaky, I continued walking, my arms wrapped around me to keep what little warmth I had against me. The temperature had dropped more than I thought. My travels brought me to the back of the church. From outside, the stained glass windows looked enchanting. Somewhere, just on the other side of those windows, my parents and siblings sat in rapt attention to the priest. I didn't understand it, but I wasn't going to complain. They seemed happy.

A cough from nearby startled me, and I jumped, feeling particularly insecure. "Hello?" I asked the near dark. I could faintly see the outlines of trees, bushes, and play ground equipment in the distance. Up close, most everything was bathed in a halo of light, but it wasn't until I looked at the ground around me that I noticed the source of the noise.

A man lay curled up against the Emergency Fire Exit of the church. From the outside, it was more than likely locked. Dropping my hands, I walked over to him. The closer I got, the more alcohol I could smell and found myself surprised that I hadn't noticed it before. I had been a medic through college, though I had not maintained my license after graduating law school. However, even nearly ten years ago, that training kicked in as I crouched near him and reached out, shaking him. "Hey. Can you hear me?"

He moaned but didn't open his eyes. "Hey. Sir, you need to look at me. Open your eyes. Open your eyes." I shook him again, digging my cell phone from my pocket. He moaned again. From the smell of booze on him and on his breath, my instinct was alcohol poisoning, but I gave him a quick once over for anything else. He had some minor cuts on his forehead and elbows, probably from falling. The tee shirt and jeans he was wearing told me he probably was not homeless, but I did wonder where his jacket was.

I tapped his cheek with my hand, not gaining response. Making a fist, I ground my knuckles over his sternum. That made him open his eyes. At least he still scored high enough on the coma scale he'd probably be okay with intervention. "Hey. How much did you have to drink tonight?" I asked as I dialed 9-1-1.

"9-1-1, what is the address of your emergency?" the dispatcher asked, sounding tired and bored.

"I'm at Saint Anne's Catholic Church. I have no idea the address. Is it in CAD?"

"I've got it. What's going on there?" I said 'CAD' which was like a magical word. She sounded much less bored when she spoke. She would give me more attention because I spoke the language of emergency services. I had never been a dispatcher, but as a medic, my dispatchers had used Computer Aided Dispatch, and I had heard the term used on the NYPD Officers' radios frequently enough that I knew it was still in use.

"I'm out here with an ETOH party, Caucasian male, late forties, moans at being shaken, eye-opening upon painful stimulation, otherwise non-responsive. I have a respiration of seven, slow and shallow and a pulse of fifty and bounding," I said, the dispatcher clicking away. "I have no idea how much alcohol he's consumed, but if I had to guess, he's been in this state for a few hours. We're at the fire exit behind the church, near the children's playground." I gave her my name and phone number, assuring her I would call back if things changed before medical assistance arrived.

I placed my hand on his chest to monitor his breathing and checked his pulse between trying to shake him awake. His respiration was too shallow and too infrequent to be healthy in sustaining him for very long, but I didn't have anything to help him with. His pulse was bounding and slow. My guess was a closed head injury, but I had never become a doctor for a reason. A brain bleed on alcohol would suck.

Red and blue lights swarmed over me, the sound of the siren bringing people from the church. I had moved so that he was laying flat away from the door, his spine in a neutral position. Laying him down flat seemed to help his breathing and given me a better opportunity to check him over and make sure there were no evident fractures.

I was just talking to the guy at that point, shaking him to keep him moaning. If he was making noises, he was breathing. "The medics are here," I told him, ignoring the church goers. "They'll take you to the hospital and get ou fixed up. Maybe next time, you won't drink so much. It seems a little silly to throw your life away."

"You- you. Don't. Know. Sh-shit," the man grunted, startling me.

I shook my head. "No, I don't, but I'm familiar with Hell and self-punishment, and the latter never relieves you of the former."

The man's eyes fluttered at me, and I smiled down at him. He opened his mouth as if to talk, though he never said anything more. I watched his eyes roll in his head and guessed he had just passed out. I was pushed out of the way by the medics, and I didn't argue as I backed into the crowd, looking for my family. A hand clasped in mine, and I instantly gripped the hand back, looking over into my brother Thomas' eyes.

"You okay?" he asked.

I nodded, withdrawing my hand from his. "Daddy, can I wait in the car?" I asked knowing the priest would probably just amend the sermon, not cancel it. Without protest, my father handed over the keys, and I fled to the parking low, my phone already back in my hands.

He picked up on the fifth ring. "It's Casey Novak," I said before he could say anything. I was shaking so badly that even my voice trembled. "Can I please talk to her?"

"Maybe. Hang on." I heard the sound of papers rustling. Then, as if from a distance, "Yea, it's Jim. What's the secure line for Novak? Yea. Okay. I got it. I don't know. She sounds-" The phone moved then went silent. I had to check my phone to see if I was still connected. I was. The two agents were talking about me.

I stared at myself in the review mirror of the car. I was pale and shaking, blinking rapidly. I wasn't shaken by the man. I knew that much. But, I didn't know what I was shaken so badly by. It scared me.

"Hello?" came a soft voice, the next thing I head. I felt a sob in my throat, and I had to struggle around it. We had not spoken since hse had left two weeks prior.

"Hello, Wonderful," I murmured, finally getting around the lump in my throat.

"Hey, Beautiful." She paused, and I held my breath. "I got your letters and picture." She paused again. "She's beautiful, Casey, just like you."

I curled myself in the back seat around the phone pressed to my ear. "Alex, just talk to me. Tell me everything. Anything. I need to hear your voice."


	39. Chapter 39

**-A/N: I feel a little like this chapter marks the start of Casey's next battle. Sorry this one's kinda short. I had other stuff, but I feel like having them in a separate chapter kind of does this chapter more justice. Thanks again for reading! I love these reviews. You guys make me tear up! You're all so fantastic. **

Alex spent the next twenty minutes telling me about work, the weather where she lived, and anything else remotely mundane and non-emotional she could think of talking about until I stopped crying. I hadn't even realized I had started until I stopped and the sound diminished from the car leaving it somewhat empty and surprising. I felt like an utter fool. I shouldn't be crying for now reason, and I had no idea where it had all come from. I had fled the crowd on scene because I could feel my breath start to catch in my throat. Pleading a walk seemed more prudent than having a panic attack. My siblings didn't know about the shooting. My father might have understood an anxiety attack right there, but no one else would. That, and I was usually not the kind of person who just broke down. I knew assault carried with it its own emotional weight, but just randomly breaking down was ridiculous. Wasn't it?

"Casey," Alex asked as I fell silent, "what's bothering you? Be honest." Something about her tone made a demand of me. More of it was simply understanding. She really did want and expect the truth, and I knew from sheer experience that no matter how horrific the truth was, she wouldn't judge me for it. Alex struck me as the kind of woman more likely to judge a person based on the fact that they lied, not the truth they tried to cover up. Granted, I hadn't ever done anything truly wrong around her, at least, not according to her. So, who knew? Maybe she was a judgmental bitch like I was to the wrong kind of person.

"I can't do this, Alex. I can't not tell my parents, but if I do, they'll insist that I keep her, and I can't do that, but I can't quite give her up, either because she deserves so much better of me as her mother, but she deserves to be somewhere where she can be happy and healthy and good, but I'm her mother, not just – I can't abandon her to the unknown because it's my responsibility to make sure she's well cared for, and I can't do that if I'm not there, but what if I hurt her or yell at her just because she reminds me of him or that night or all the nights, or what if I make her into a monster because I can't be warm and loving, or I hurt her. Oh, God, Alex, what if I physically hurt her? I can't keep her. I can't hang on to the pain for the rest of my life, and-" I sucked in a deep breath, my lungs taxed from not breathing through all of that.

"Casey," Alex barked before I could continue. I froze, my breath catching completely. I felt like I was going to vomit from the rush of speaking so quickly without air. I had to focus on the sound of her breathing to remember to breathe myself. Then, much softer, she added, "I love you."

Her interruption had taken me so off guard that it took me a minute to change the direction of my thoughts into where we were in the conversation then. "I love you, too," I said, feeling very small indeed.

"Just listen to me for a minute, Casey. Don't interrupt. Don't think. Don't analyze. Just listen." I nodded even though she couldn't see me and remained silent. "Which hand is holding your phone? Your left?" I made a sound of acknowledgment. "Where's your right?" I intentionally made myself aware of my right hand, which I hadn't been thinking about until that moment. I moved my fingers, curling them over the fabric of my shirt, my ring finger dipping through my belly button. "You're touching her, aren't you?" I repeated that noise of confirmation. "Casey, that is your daughter, and you're absolutely right. You more than anyone else need to make sure she's well cared for wherever she goes after she's born. If you give her up, it's your responsibility to give her to the best possible parent you can find. If you keep her, you must be the best possible parent you can be. You didn't have a choice in being raped or becoming pregnant. David took that away from you, and I'm sorry. I wish I could have prevented it. But, that little girl had even less choice in the matter. She has no free will right now because you make her every choice for her. She is entirely helpless in how her world is shaped while in your womb and how her world is shaped based on the next major decision you make. You already chose to give her a chance at life. Now, you have to decide which one you're going to give her – a life with an adoptive parent or parents or a life with you. I don't know if one is more right than the other. Neither is ideal, I will acknowledge that, but you need to decide which of these two you're most willing to live with because, keep her or not, see her or not, Casey, it's a decision that you will live with the rest of your life." She was silent for a moment. Then, softer, "And, for the record, Casey, I know you would never lay a hand on your child."

In all truth, I felt like I had been slapped. Albeit, it was just what I needed. The hysteria that I had fallen prey to subsided and I felt like I was a little more clear headed again. Actually, I felt more clear than I had in weeks, possibly months. I appreciated that Olivia had made me nothing but comfortable and Fin didn't talk about it unless I brought it up first. Elliot had never flat asked me even though I was sure he was suspicious. I didn't know about Munch or Cragen, but even they let me get away with outbursts I didn't think I ought to get away with. Alex, however, cuddled me when I needed cuddling but had no problem introducing me to the reality of a situation when I needed that, no matter how harsh.

I watched my parents and half of my siblings exit the church with the rest of the small crowd. Everyone seemed to be talking excitedly, and I wondered what about. Catholicism never struck me as the excited sermon. At least, it hadn't been when I was a kid. Maybe things had changed. "I can't give her up, Alex," I said, my voice soft but steady. "No matter how she came to be, I can't giver her up. After everything she's already been through, I cannot add abandonment to that list."

And, it was with a soft kind of horror that I realized what had just come out of my mouth. I didn't regret it, but I wasn't excited by the prospect, either. When my daughter was born, so too would I be reborn. I would no longer primarily be Casey Novak, Assistant District Attorney. I would be, above all else, Casey Novak, mother.

"Casey, sweetie, breathe. You have to breathe, or you'll pass out." I took several gasping breaths as though my body had simply forgot how to receive oxygen. "There you go. Talk to me, Beautiful. What's going on in your mind?"

"I can't do this alone, Alex," I murmured. "I can't be a mother alone."

"You won't be alone, Casey. You have me. I'll be there as much as I can, and if it comes down to it, I can always just come back. I'll have to talk to the Marshals because the last thing I want is to endanger you and the baby, but if it's plausible, I will forget this whole running thing. You make me a better person, Casey, and if it means supporting you and her, I will be everything I can. You also have Olivia and Fin, right? You said they knew about the baby. Ask Olivia very honestly what she thinks about you keeping Kiwi. If she decides to be frank, you'll be surprised at her response. Elliot and Munch will support you, too. And, so will Cragen. They're not a traditional family, Casey, none of this will be, but you will not be alone. Besides, you don't know that your parents and brothers won't want anything to do with you or the child. They may surprise you. This is 2003. And, Jen seemed very accepting of us. I imagine she'd be just as accepting of Kiwi."

I made a squeaky noise in the back of my throat. "You don't have to come back here just for the baby, Alex. Your life's at risk. You already put your life on the line to protect me once."

"A hundred times, and again, Casey. Always again. You're worth it. My only concern with that is that it might put your life at risk, or your daughter's. But, I will not leave you alone in this. If you want me, for as long as you want me, to be a part of your life, I will. I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else."

I remained quite for several seconds, watching the family I was born into with a sense of distance. As long as I had been their good, conformist little girl, they had been willing to accept me with open arms. I adopted a dislike for the religion, a taste for the concrete jungle, and the ego of any damn good attorney – an ego I had the record to boast, and my ego was still smaller than Cabot's, though so was my record – and suddenly, I wasn't worth talking to as frequently. I left Charlie and my mother didn't ever ask why, only faulted me for it. I feared in high school telling her about Sarah for the same reason I feared now telling her about Alexandra. From a very young age, it had been made clear to me that if I did not follow her interpretation of the Good Book, I was not welcome. I had nearly been kicked out as a teenager for my rebellion. My older brother's grace had saved me. Problem was, I didn't see the world like my mother and I had no problem arguing. Maybe if I learned to bite my tongue and accept the verbal lashings I periodically received, I would be invited back more frequently. As it were, it took nearly being murdered for my mother to question my safety. What would she think about a baby? What about Alex? Fuck. And, I would have to tell her and my father both. I couldn't just vanish on them and never introduce them to their granddaughter unless they had an opportunity, first, to reject her. If they rejected her, then that was fine. I wouldn't come back around. But, I couldn't assume they would because my fear told me so. Alex was right. In the long run, I just didn't know.

"Casey, are you still doing okay?"

"Not really," I said. My eyes rolled skyward as I thought about the drunk behind the church. It had been pure chance that I had walked back there, and if not me, would whomever had know what to do? If he hadn't coughed, would he have been found alive? He had said I didn't know shit, and he was right. But, I had been right, too. I had learned that hurting myself didn't get me out of Hell. It put me deeper into it. In seeing him laying there, though, stretched on the ground where I put him because he was too weak to fight me, I realized that the only way to truly guarantee something gets done is to do it. Now, talking to Alex, it occurred to me that if I didn't make her into one, my daughter would not be violent. The entire premise of my job rested on the fact that violence was a chosen trait, a learned and chosen trait. I could teach her different. I could teach her to be compassionate and kind unlike her biological father. I could also teach her to be fearless. Alex could teach her that because I was still learning. "I just never have had a prayer answered with such clarity before."

"Huh?"

"Nothing," I said with a shake of my head. "All I know is that she's my daughter and I will fight for her."

"I'll fight, too, Casey. You know I will."

I nodded. "I know. Thank you. My parents, they – Can I call you back tomorrow?"

"Of course, my beautiful Casey. I love you, both of you."

"I – We – love you, too." I hung up, cradling the phone to my chest as my parents got in the car. Leaning over, my father held out his hands for the car keys. I passed them off without a word.

"We're meeting the others at the house," my mother said. Her tone told me she was mad at me, and I debated whether or not I should asked her what it was or who it was. Would she even tell me if it were me?

"You okay, Casey?" my father asked. "You got out of there pretty quickly."

"I'm fine, Daddy. It's just been a while since I've had to deal with that." And, the crowd. Though small, it had been a small space. I needed space. And air. But, mostly space. There was a very good reason Olivia picked me up for work in the morning. Though, I had told her I could drive my car at one point. She had still shown up the next morning, ready to drive me. I had just accepted that was the way it would be. It wasn't a bad way. I think she liked having another woman around, too. Though, what Alex had said about her made me curious. The detective became more and more mysterious every day.

I leaned back into the seat, both hands over my baby as I mulled my life over. To begin with, since I was keeping her, I would need to call Alicia and let her know. That was going to be one Hell of a fucking conversation. Then, I would need to tell Andrew and John. A second awkward conversation I was not looking forward to having. Also, I was several weeks behind in putting together the baby's room since I hadn't thought I would need it. The room in my apartment I used for my office was going to have to be cleaned out. The office would have to invade the living room. I would need to paint the walls because, really, white walls in a baby's room was practically unheard of.

I needed a crib, a mattress, blankets, a changing table, a pad, diapers, clothes, and all manners of other trinkets before the baby even got there. And, then, I needed help moving everything around because there was no way in Hell my doctor would give me the go ahead to do all of that without putting Kiwi at risk. I also needed to tell my boss. Maybe not my coworkers, but Branch would need to know. I would be taking a maternity leave as well to bond with her. The cat would kind of come out of the bag then, but it would be nicer to tell him sooner. And Cragen so he could prepare for whatever Counsel would take my place during that time. Which meant I might as well have that sit down with Elliot and include Munch on my little secret. I still didn't look pregnant, and I might not since internally, my uterus was naturally tilted meaning that even when Kiwi got bigger and rolled out, my external body wouldn't display it as evidently. I could get away with not saying anything, but it would be nicer just to own up to it. Alex was right. I didn't think the squad would leave me to fend for myself with my daughter. And, I needed and wanted their help. They would be a good influence on a child.

I tried to think of anything else I would need, and I kept coming up with everything and nothing all at once. The adrenaline kick was almost too much. Kiwi jumped inside me as my anxiety rose. Was I really doing it? Yes, I was really doing it. Could I do it? Maybe not alone, but I had to have faith. I had Alex. I had the squad. I wasn't alone even if my parents decided not to be supportive. I had some amazing people already in my life that I kept glossing over as family because they weren't family. The thing about that was, though, was that they were family. They were exactly what family was supposed to be about.

Personally, I was still conflicted as to whether or not keeping Kiwi was in her best interest, but I was also calmer, more certain of myself. Keeping her was the only choice I could live with forever.


	40. Chapter 40

At the house, I made my mother sit and relax at the kitchen counter while I set up the dining room table and quickly finished preparing the food. Hell, I was the one with bad news. My mother was right. Flattery early on meant bad news later. I think I did the same thing in trial. I was nice and pretty and polite before the People rested and sweet to begin on cross, but a firestorm later, especially when the defendant testified. I took sick pleasure in making a rapist look bad, though. I just did.

My mother had insisted on supervising, stating that I had never been able to cook. Of course, three days of pampering by a chef along with suggestions, tips, and written instructions on how to cook left behind all over my kitchen once she had left had helped me feel more confident in the kitchen. I could now make more than just cereal and burnt toast. It would be a process, but I would learn. My father had tried to get my mother to go relax in the living room as my siblings and their wives came in, but that had been to no avail meaning that the sexes had split, all the women convening in the kitchen, the men in the living room. Usually, I would have been in the living room with the boys, but since I had taken over the food prep, I was stuck in the kitchen which meant I was looking for busy work as the girls chatted.

It didn't take long before conversation turned to the eldest of the children and the only remaining single woman in the room. Emma and Susan in particular hounded me about my dating life, and I didn't really answer much. In fact, I dropped more than one hint that I didn't want to talk about my dating life. The look on my mother's face said I was banned from talking about being shot, so that meant that I could talk about being gay. They were irking me so badly that I nearly did.

"Seriously, knock it off," I finally snapped, instantly feeling bad. It was hard to tell if they were really just making me mad, if it were hormones, or if it were more just my anxiety needing another outlet.

"Casey, we're just talking about setting you up with some of the guys we know. They're good guys, too. Catholic. I don't see why you're getting so defensive." Susan seemed upset at me. Emma was a little more forgiving at my outburst, but she did take a few steps back, as though she weren't sure why I was angry.

"I am seeing someone," I barked, dropping the bowl I had been mixing onto the counter. "And, before you start in on the 'you're almost thirty, Casey, you need to settle down' shit you started in on during Easter, just because I might not be ready to settle down, get married, and start popping out little Catholic babies does not mean I need crap from you all. I do perfectly fine with a career."

"You're married to your career, Casey. It's a sad, lonely life," Emma said, her voice low and angry.

I frowned. "Strangely, I feel a lot happier married to my career than you seem with my brother, constantly talking about how you want a baby and a family for what? You really want to be a stay at home mom with no future outside of your children?"

"There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother, Casey."

"If it's the end of your ambitions, then, yes, there is, Emma." I rounded on Susan because I heard her sigh. "Don't even start with your white picket fence and two point five children. I may not have the same future as you, but I make just as much a difference in society if not more than you by what I do."

"You do not," Susan yelled, her voice carrying into the living room. I heard the men fall silent. My father and Thomas came to the door to see what was going on. "You have no idea what kind of stress it's like to raise a child in this world, Casey. It's more than a full time job."

"Because the over one hundred hours I put in weekly and the emotional taxation of a case means absolutely nothing?" I snapped, too angry to care that Max and Marcus had joined, filling the small kitchen. "The fact that I don't sleep at night because I have to be the one to hear the story of the three year old boy raped by his fucking preschool teacher or the story about the woman kidnapped from her home country and sold into slavery in the United States, bound to a life of one man after another. What the fuck do her dreams matter to a woman like you, so caught up and Hell bent on making everything about being a barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?"

I watched Emma shrink away from me. Susan stepped forward. She had always been a little more of a fighter than Emma. And, I was always game to rise to the challenge. "Look, I'm sorry your career gives you nightmares," Susan snarled, "but you picked it, so stop complaining."

"I did pick it. I love it. I wouldn't trade the nightmares for anything in the world because you know what else I get. I get the tears of joy, I get to see justice, I get to see hope built up in people who have been broken. I get to be a part of something greater than myself, and that feels pretty damn fucking good. But, I don't want your bible. I don't want your God. And, I sure as shit don't want your military husband, raising six babies ideals. If I ever get married, it'll be in my own damn time to someone I can give myself completely to, to someone who supports my choices and my career, not to someone who wants to start popping out babies the moment vows are uttered without regard to my ability to do more than that. I don't care that that's all you're good at, but that's not what I want because I'm more intelligent than that." I glared at Susan. I'd called her stupid and my brother an asshole, and I was aware of that, but Marcus and I really didn't get along much.

Marcus wrapped his arms around his wife as she took another step forward. I had plastered myself against the counter, but my knuckles were white with rage. My father was the one who noticed that. "Don't hit her, Casey. Don't do it." I had earned the nickname Slugger, and it had nothing to do with my passion for softball. I had almost been suspended from Catholic school in the second grade because I attacked one of the older boys who was picking on one of the younger. The nuns had thought that I should have told one of them. But, I had taken matters into my own hands instead knowing full well that I was probably going to lose the battle. Still, we had both wound up with bruises, and the truth had come out later.

"I need out of here," I said, turning from the group and pushed through Max and my father. Thom grabbed my wrist, and I yanked myself away. "Don't touch me." I pressed my hands over my stomach wanting to vomit. I must have paled because he did move away from me. I ran out the front door, collapsing to my knees, gagging.

"Casey, come back inside. It's cold out," my father said as he followed me out. "What's wrong? You're sick." I shook my head, but when I threw up, he didn't believe my silent answer. "Come inside. It's cold." I shook my head again and threw up. I was trembling from a combination of anger, anxiety, and the side effects of anemia. Hands pressed on my forehead, cold against my skin. "Casey, you're burning up."

"Stop touching me." I pulled away. "Stop it. Get away from me." My breathing came in fast pants, my vision blurred and black around the edges. "Alex. Alex. Help. Oh, God, help me." I smacked at the hands, and it took my father pulling me against him and shaking me for me to realize I was fighting family. "Daddy."

He held me against him, his six foot four frame wrapping around me. "It's okay, soldier. It's okay." I clung to his shirt. "Come on, I'm taking you up to bed, Casey."

I let him half drag, half carry me up the stairs to the guest bedroom. When my feet kept tripping over the stairs, he gave me over to Thom who picked me up completely, cradling me in his arms. I kept my eyes closed until he laid me on the bed, my father brushing my hair from my face. I still tasted vomit. I was sweating and shivering. "Did you pack pajamas?" my father asked.

I nodded, watching Thomas walk out, the bed moving as he put the duffel bag on the bed and looked through my belongings until he pulled my pajamas out. "Put warm clothes on, Case. I'll be right back." He stepped out of the room, and I managed to push my skirt off and pull my pants on, my blouse and bra coming off. I barely managed to sit up enough to pull my shirt on completely. Sitting up made me want to black out, my head throbbing every time I did. Crawling my way under the covers, I groaned when my father knocked on the door again. "Case?"

"My head hurts."

He sat on the edge of the bed, his hand on my shoulder. "Kiddo, talk to me."

"I don't want to get married, Daddy," I murmured. "I don't want to be cornered by a bunch of women who think marriage is the answer. I can't imagine spending any more of my life with a man."

He squeezed my shoulder. "Casey, you don't have to. You've had a really bad experience with David. It's going to take a while to get over that."

Rolling onto my back, I looked up at him. "Mamma looked so ashamed when Emma and Susan started asking about why I wasn't married. I know she expected to have grandkids from me by now, but is it really so bad that I'm focused on my career? I mean, isn't that okay?"

"Honey, your mother is very traditional in that sense. You know she's never been employed outside of raising you kids?"

I nodded. "I know, but can't I want something different from her?"

"Of course, baby. What do you want? I mean, really want?"

Closing my eyes, I sighed. "Um, about that-" I trailed off, hand on my head. "That's probably not a discussion for the holidays, not when the rest of the family is here."

"Your mother wasn't kidding. Flattery and then bad news. Okay, we can post pone this talk, but you are okay, right?" I nodded. "Who's Alex?"

"Huh?"

"You were asking for Alex when you were throwing up."

"That's who I'm seeing."

"Oh," he said. "So, you're dating again?"

I nodded. "Alex was there for me when David tried to kill me, has been since. It only fell naturally into the rhythm of dating."

"Hey, Casey, as long as he doesn't try to hurt you and you're happy, that's all that matters. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you called about David the first time." He looked at me with guilty eyes. "I should have been there as a father, and I wasn't. You're my daughter, and I will love and protect you." He stood, pulling the comforter up to my chin. I tried to take it from him. "Let me tuck you in, Casey. You'll always be my little girl, and when you're here, I want to tuck you in. There's only so much longer I'll be able to do that."

"Okay," I muttered, holding my arms above my head. He tucked me in like I was a little kid, and I dropped my arms over the covers. "Thank you, Daddy. I love you."

He kissed my forehead. "I love you, too, Slugger. Get some rest tonight. I'll talk to the girls."

The door closed behind my father, and I curled on my side, my knees pulled up to my chest. I had a dark feeling that tomorrow would not be any better. Why did I subject myself to my family? Fuck that. Why did I subject me to my family?

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I woke the next morning to tiny hands on my shoulder. "Auntie, wake up. Auntie."

I groaned and opened one eye. "Jess," I murmured. "What's up, kiddo?"

"My tummy hurts. Mommy said to get in bed with you because your tummy hurts, too."

Opening my other eye, I glanced up at the adult looming over me. Jen smiled down at me. "Hey, Casey. I heard about last night. You okay?"

"I'm alright."

"Claire's all kinds of pissed off." My mother didn't know when to quit, apparently. "She told me you lost it on Susan last night. Actually, she told the whole family."

I groaned, lifting the comforter. "Climb in, sick kid," I murmured. Jess did, and I pulled her close. "To be fair, Susan and Emma started it."

"That sounds like you're five years older, Casey," she said with a small chuckle. I pulled a face. Really, I didn't feel like being mature. I still felt nauseous and too warm. "What happened?"

"They tried to force me to agree to a date."

"Aren't you still seeing Alex?"

I raised a brow at her as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "Who is a woman. With what you know of my mother, how well do you think that would have gone over?"

She smiled. "You're right. You picked the better battle."

"How does my mother paint my fight with Sue?"

She shook her head. "Not well. I think her perception is that they were bantering with you playfully and you basically turned into the troll from under the bridge without any prompting."

"I told them to leave me alone, to stop verbally attacking my career and the fact that I am the oldest sibling and the only one over twenty five still unmarried. They just kept on about how he's Catholic, as if that makes it all better. Where did my brothers find these women? You aside, it's like they all went to the same department store. I probably should have acted more my age on that one and just left, but when have you known me to just leave? They would have followed me."

"Fair."

"How did you wind up the only sister-in-law that I like?" I asked, offering a small smile.

"I'm Protestant?"

I smiled. "Why do you put up with this family?"

"Because it amuses me that your parents raised a lesbian?"

I laughed, having to cover my mouth to prevent the sound from carrying too far. "Auntie, stop wigglin'," Jess' voice met me.

"I'm sorry, baby," I apologized, staring back at Jen. "Not that I'm complaining, but how did sick child end up in bed with me?"

"We're all going to church. Frank said you were ill last night and wanted us to let you sleep, but Jess threw up on the way over. I don't want her to feel sick in church. God knows there will be too many children from the Novak clan acting out already." Jen rubbed my hip. "You need to get better, too."

"I'm okay. It's just everything that happened last night was overwhelming. Shit, yesterday was just not good over all."

"Being here really stresses you out, huh?" Her hand met my forehead as she felt my skin in a way that bordered between nurse and parent. Had I truly been feeling better, I would have swatted her hand away, but the reality of the situation was that I didn't feel better. I needed to take better care of myself overall. This time, I wasn't sick because I didn't want to be healthy. I was sick because work took so much of a natural toll on my body that combined with the stress of pregnancy, my immune system was overloaded. I figured I would be okay by Monday, after the holiday was over.

"Is it that obvious?"

She shrugged. "You have a very limited relationship with your biological family, Casey. Where do you get the kind of familial interaction from that helps people deal with life?"

I thought about that for a second, about Olivia and Fin keeping my secrets and being there when I needed a hand, about Elliot dropping everything for Olivia and about his kids and wife, about Munch being the first to listen even if he was a little Mulder-ish, about Cragen looking out for everyone including me, about Alexandra telling me she would leave Witness Protection if it didn't expose the baby to such a risk because of the hit out on her just to help me raise a baby that wasn't even hers. "The men and women I work with, plus Alex are my family, Jen. They're the closest people in my lives, and I can count on them to drop everything and come to my aid just as I would drop everything and go to theirs. I would still help my biological family, but Jen, I don't trust the people downstairs to do the same for me. I can't even bring Alex around, and I love her in a way that tells me I have never felt nor ever will feel for a man. My family should accept that. I don't know if those born Novaks would, but I do know no one in the squad would bat an eye." Except that Alex was alive. That might floor them. But, I didn't tell Jen that.

"Get some rest, girls," Jen said, watching me with something more than sadness but much farther away from pity than I expected of her. Jess snuggled in to me as I wrapped myself around her and held her tight, closing my eyes.

If I focused, I could hear my family downstairs getting ready to leave. The children were mostly complaining about being up so early, but otherwise, they seemed to be excited to see each other again. After a few minutes, the front door closed, and silence engulfed the house. I thought about the little girl in my arms and smiled. Soon enough, I'd be doing this whole sick kid thing. Baby would be too ill for daycare or school, and I'd have to use a sick day myself and curl up and take care of her. In a way, that filled me with dread, but at the same time, I felt okay. I could do this. Right? Even if my parents and brothers weren't there for me, my SVU family was. Alex was right. I wouldn't be going it alone.


	41. Chapter 41

I was right. The day didn't get much better, though it didn't precisely get worse. My mother didn't speak to me all day. Neither did Susan. It was good to know that the woman who gave birth to me would side with everyone but me. I tried not to be bitter. Neither Jess nor I were feeling particularly social which meant that I had gone down stairs at one point and made several bowls of pop corn, grabbed every possible child friendly movie in the house and lead a procession back to the room I had slept in and proceeded to entertain small children with pop corn, pillow fights, movies, and stories that I either knew or made up as I went.

From what Jen told me, my taking the kids upstairs and the laughter howling from the bedroom as we paraded around and acted silly was seen as a service by those who didn't know what had happened the night before. My father had apparently also managed to counsel my mother into not spreading untruths about the fight because by that afternoon, it had been decided that Susan had as much to do with our argument as I did which suited me just fine. Neither woman, however, came up to check on us. To my surprise, Emma did come up and apologize.

She and I had a quiet conversation in the corner while the kids tried to smother each other with pillows as they jumped across the bed which amounted to her being sorry that she pushed what she knew to be my buttons and me doing the same back to her. We didn't really bond, but she did confide that she was going for fertility testing the next week to see if it were even possible that she and Thomas could have children. I held her while she cried thinking that life was sometimes cruel. Here was a woman who wanted so badly to be a mother, unable to have children. And, I was a woman who had never seen that in her life, currently in her second trimester with a child she hadn't even tried for. It seemed so unfair, in truth.

For a couple of hours, Emma stayed and played, listening to all of us babble and argue. I felt like a kid in some ways. I could keep up with them. Yet, outside the room and the house, I was living a life that was about as grown up as it could get. It was a welcome break, but as I watched Emma, I realized she was having such a hard time just playing and being with the kids while still being the authority. For me, I guess it just came naturally, but I had younger brothers. The kids listened to me when I drew the line, and on the rare occasion they didn't, I was able to break play and be the disciplinarian before transferring smoothly back to play. Still, she tried until my father came up to fetch us all for dinner.

I was standing in the middle of the bed with Amanda turned upside down in my arms, tickling her stomach while she frantically tried to hit her brother Roger with a pillow. _The Land Before Time _was on behind me on the television with two other children raptly watching the adventures of infant dinosaurs. Precisely what everyone else was doing, I really wasn't sure because the moment my father walked in, the air expelled from the room and we all stood a little straighter, even those of us on the bed. I set Amanda down and she hid the pillow behind her back.

"No," my father said, shaking his head. "I don't want to know. Grandma says to clean up for dinner. I trust Auntie Casey and Auntie Emma can handle the clean up?"

"Yes, Daddy," I said. Emma nodded, her eyes wide. She had always been a little intimidated by my father. I looked at her when he left. "Thom's in the military, too, Emma. Why does my father freak you out so much?"

"Thom lacks the discipline your father has."

"That's probably a good thing in a round about way." I looked at all the kids. "Okay. Line up, youngest to oldest and march to the bathroom. Damien, you are not younger than Toby." The seven children all lined up as close to age as they could figure which was close enough for me and I let them loose into the guest bathroom, turning on the water so they could wash their hands and faces. Emma helped the younger ones dry their hands and sent them to wait at the top of the stairs. The good thing about my brothers' children was that every one of them was exceptionally well behaved. They also policed each other which made getting the younger ones to stay was easier because the older ones would make them.

"Okay," I said as I dried my hands. "Everyone's clean. Downstairs, quietly, and ask Grandma if she needs any help with anything." Of course, quiet to them was a small noise maker's worth of rumble as they chattered excitedly before someone, Steven, I think, burst into shouts of 'Grandma, let us help!' which was chorused by the other children.

Susan made it a point to sit as far from me as possible. Jess insisted on sitting in my lap. She was still a little pale around the edges. Otherwise, the children sat near their respective parents or favored adult family member. My parents really did know how to put together a nice dinner for everyone and make it so that everyone fit around the table. I supposed it had something to do with their own family dynamics when they were raised. Both of my parents had older and younger siblings. My father was one of ten.

Robert, the family priest, said grace, and the dining room began to look a little more like every other family's on Thanksgiving. Jess picked from my plate with her fingers which was fine by me since I didn't like gravy and it was difficult for her to be too messy without gravy. I picked through the meal, anyway, mostly checking out of everyone's conversation. I still felt like throwing up, and I didn't want to chance it. Besides, after all was said and done and people were on their way out, I had promised to have that talk with my father. I had actually promised to have it with both parents, but I wouldn't force my mother to participate. I was sure she would put in her own input at her own time. However, if I didn't throw up during that conversation, I would be lucky.

Dinner wound down, and the women cleared the table except for me because Jess had fallen asleep in my arms. Jen took my plate when Susan, who had collected everyone else's, flat refused to take mine. I sometimes forgot that I was still in my twenties which meant that all of my sisters-in-law were younger than me. Susan was still a kid. I wondered just when in this family we would leave high school. I looked up at her as she squeezed my shoulder. "Thanks, Jen. Can you stay later tonight? I think I've been roped into that talk with my father."

She smiled. "You bet, Casey. It'll be fine."

When the gals came back, the children were all in the living room playing or watching movies which left, as per tradition, the adults around the table playing with glasses of wine, cups of coffee, and bottles of beer. I was the only one with a glass of water. Jess was still out cold in my lap, but I didn't mind. Talk had drifted to Thom's recent deployment. He had been fortunate enough to return stateside a few days before Thanksgiving, but with the large military grouping within the family, the exchange of stories had begun.

Robert was sitting across the table from me. Other than myself, the only one of us who had never explored a military career as an option. He had gone into the priesthood, though, almost as soon as he was eligible. Me? I had gone to law school. Then again, raised with all boys on an almost masculine ideal, why was there so much surprise that I was married to my job. My older brother looked up at me at a break in the conversation. 'Hey, Case, you feeling okay? You haven't had anything to drink but water." Which was a push at the fact that my father and I usually tried to out drink each other at family gatherings. Tonight, I wanted to try. I couldn't stand my mother. I think my father and a few of my brothers thought she was being catty as well, but no one would tell her as much.

"You're not pregnant or something, are you?" he teased. "Got married and forgot to tell us?" So, the men hadn't participated in the gossip that apparently all of my sisters-in-law knew. That was good to know. Blood ties came in somewhere. Or, they just didn't care which was fine enough by me.

Still, even though I knew he was teasing me, I froze, heart in my throat like a rabbit. Mentally, I had been preparing myself to actually tell my parents I was, and I had been so engrossed in my mental preparations that his little jab had taken me completely off guard. I could feel my face pale as my gaze snapped from him to my mother. My eyes widened at the horror on her face. "You are, aren't you? You're pregnant. You little harlot. Get up. Get up, now."

I glared at Robert before passing Jess off to a startled Jen who had taken the seat beside me and heading into the kitchen. My intent was to get my coat and keys and leave. My duffel was already in the car from earlier, when I had changed from pajamas to jeans. My mother, unfortunately, followed me to the kitchen. The one time during the day she chose to talk to me really had to be right then.

"I can't believe this, Casey. If it's not one thing, it's another with you, always bringing your problems back to this family. All I can say is two things – it better be Alex's or whoever this guy is that you're dating now, and you better not get an abortion, Casey Elizabet. So help me, if you murder that child, I'll disown you."

My hands automatically clasped over my stomach as though I could somehow protect the baby, prevent her from hearing this. _She can't hurt you, little girl,_ I thought, hot tears streaming down my face. Robert had come into the kitchen. He was the priest, so it seemed likely that my father had sent him in to mediate his blinder. "Mother," he started, but I cut him off.

"Be content with that, then, Mother, because I'm not having an abortion. I'm almost twenty three weeks, and she can hear everything you're saying, so watch your mouth. She is a child, and while she doesn't deserve murder, she doesn't deserve your hatred, either. And, something else – I don't know if David's the father or not. I don't know, and I don't care. The bastard shot me, and he's never going to even know my daughter exists. He doesn't deserve to know. And, if it's not his, her genetic donor is never, never going to know about her." I had managed to keep from yelling by some miracle, but I was clinging to the bar stool at the kitchen counter as both my mother and Robert stared at me in open disbelief.

"You little tramp," my mother hissed. We had an audience now of my remaining brothers and sisters-in-law. "You self serving tramp. And, you're going to raise this child in your home, what? Amongst a parade of men so she can grow up to be just like you?"

Rage collided with my grief at my mother's hateful reaction. "Just like me? What's so bad about me, Mother? I put people in prison who rape children and women. I fight for other people. You know nothing about what it's like to live my life, nothing because all you do is sit on your high fucking horse and judge me. You want to know how your granddaughter was conceived? Ask me. I dare you."

My mother slapped me. "Don't you dare talk to me like that." She pointed to my stomach. "That bastard is no more my granddaughter than you are my daughter at this point, Casey."

I stared at my mother, hand to my cheek. My other arm protected my stomach. I could feel Kiwi moving in me. She did not like the excitement, and the bile rising at the back of my throat reminded me that neither did I. "I may be a sinner and a whore, but God will forgive me that I can love a child conceived of hatred before He will forgive you for your hatred towards a helpless life. You're not more a servant of God than I, and no less a sinner."

I grabbed my jacket and my keys. No one tried to stop me. "And, just so we have the record straight, Mother, I will not raise her alone in my house with a parade of men coming through. I will raise her in my house along side an amazing woman who loves me for everything I am, not someone who despises me for everything I am not. My girlfriend considers family a child she has no legal or moral responsibility for. You won't even acknowledge your own granddaughter by blood. I think when I walk out of here knowing I won't bring my daughter into this house, I'll walk out knowing I've chosen the better influence in her life."

I turned and fled the house, everyone falling aside in something of shock. "Casey," Jen's voice followed me. I ignored her, fumbling on my key ring for my door key, the snow falling kissing my hands and instantly making me cold.

"God damn it," I cursed, my tears blurring my vision, chilling against my cheeks. "God fucking damn it." I had not meant to come out to my parents, or to anyone, really, but I had apparently figured what the Hell?

It was Robert who actually grabbed a hold of me. "Casey, stop," he said. "I'm so, so sorry." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from my car which was probably just as well because I could barely hold on to my keys, I was shaking so badly. He turned me so that I was facing him, and I stared defiantly up at him. He was a priest. Surely, he would ream me about Alex. About Kiwi. About my fucked up, screwed up, can't do anything right life. Beyond him, I could see that my brothers were standing in the falling snow with Jen and Emma. My mother stood in the doorway looking like she would put a curse on me if she could. From somewhere nearby, my father appeared at my side, though he didn't touch me. "What did you mean, Casey, when you said 'child conceived of hatred?' What happened?"

I gave him the only simple version I knew. "I was gang raped by David and three of his friends." Saying that to him, my brother, complied on top of everything made me weak in the legs so that I clung to him for support. If he let me go, I would fall. I didn't feel a part of myself any longer. My head was swimming, and wave after wave of grief and anger and confusion poured over me. Despite the cold, my tears now came hot a free down my face, and I could taste their salt on my lips. I whispered against him, "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of they womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and in the hour of death."

"Sh, Casey. It's okay," Robert murmured, holding me against him as I cried in a way I hadn't cried, not even around Alex. I cried because I was well and truly broken. But, I cried also because I could see where the pieces were beginning to be stitched back together, where the compassion of my friends and the love of Alex had begun to make me whole again. I cried because for the first time, I had challenged my mother over something truly worth challenging her over. I cried because my fear in abandoning my daughter had been but a reflection of my fear of being abandoned as a daughter. To anyone else, they might not have seen it, but I suddenly realized Alex was right and so was Olivia. I had choices to make, but if I'd take on my mother for this child, I would take on the world. And, God help me, I would.

"Saint Anthony," I whispered, my mouth moving in habit with my brain, though Saint Anthony was not a saint I had sought before in my life, "attentive to those who invoke thee, grant me the aid of they powerful intercession for the grace of holy purity, meekness, humility, obedience, and perfect abandonment to the will of God for in this, I have lost my path for so hurt is my soul that I have become blind and cannot see to find it."

"Hush, Casey," Robert said. "Hush, my child. Your prayers are heard, and God will answer. You are among the warm embrace of your family, Casey. I will not abandon you, and neither will God."

I felt a pair of hands slide around me, and Robert stepped back, the sharp scent of my father's cologne covering me as I leaned back into him, crying. "I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry."

"You did nothing wrong, Casey. What they did to you was horrible. Come on, let's get you back inside. You're freezing and in no shape to drive." For the second night in a row, my father lead me back into the house when Jennifer was standing with a blanket.

Jen looked at me with eyes filled with that strange sadness from earlier. It was a look filled with hurt, like she couldn't quite imagine the pain. Or, she could, and that was the scariest part. It wasn't quite pity, but it was closer to pity than it was earlier, than I was comfortable with. "Take your jacket off, Casey," she said, her words gentle. Apparently, my entire family had head when I half screamed, half cried that I'd been raped. I had not meant to tell them ever. Mentally, I was too shaken to deal with all of this.

My mother stood behind Jen, white with horror. "Casey," my mother said as my father slipped my coat from me as I hadn't reacted to do it myself. Jen wrapped me in the blanket. I was so numb emotionally that when Jen pulled me against her, I let her.

My father shook his head, his eyes on my mother. "No, Claire. Not right now," he told my mother as I shrank away from her like a whipped puppy. "We'll address this one issue at a time, but right now, Casey needs space and safety."

Jen took over where my father left off, setting me down on the couch. I looked up at her as I sank into the cushions, blinking. "I'm sorry. I didn't want everyone to find out like this. I ruin everything." I pressed my hand to my stomach. Kiwi had calmed considerably after my adrenaline dump outside in the snow. It was like it lulled her to sleep or something.

"You mean the baby, the rape, or the girlfriend?" Jen asked, sitting down beside me. She was an ER nurse, and her bedside manner showed. At just over a year younger than I was, she was the closest to me in age and probably out matured me on a day to day basis.

"All three," I answered. "Though, I had never intended to talk about the rape."

Jen took my hand in hers. "Talking is good for you, Casey. And, we're your family, petty, catty, asshole behavior aside. Anything you need to talk about, we'll listen."

"Auntie Casey?" a small voice asked from the door way.

"Luke," Robert admonished. "Auntie Casey and Mommy are talking."

"It's okay, Robert. What is it, Luke?" I asked, holding out my hand to him. He stepped forward into my arms and I pulled him on my lap. For seven, he had the most sage eyes I had seen in a child. He was also Sam and Jen's eldest, and he took on the role of man of the house with his father over seas.

He looked at me very seriously. "Jess says you have a baby."

I nodded. "I do. She's in my tummy. Want to feel her move?" He nodded vigorously. I thought of who among the other women might be more open to humoring a child right now. "Alright. Go ask Auntie Emma for some M&Ms. Tell her they're for Auntie Casey wo you can feel the baby move."

I smiled, so close to laughing as he ran off to the kitchen where my brothers were with their respective spouses. "Are you ready for this?" Jen asked once he had disappeared.

"For what?" I asked.

"To be a mom."

It took me a second, but I nodded. "I'm not alone in it, Jen. If no one else, I have Alex. I don't know if raising her here will be best, anyway."

"You mean your mom?" I nodded. "She overreacted, Casey, it's true."

I scoffed. "She disowned me, Jen."

"She didn't mean it. She was overwhelmed and angry."

"How do you think I feel?" I mumbled, shaking my head. "But, I knew what happened to me. She didn't. That's what I don't get. Why does the idea of a beautiful little girl – my beautiful daughter and her beautiful granddaughter – make her so angry, even if I'm not married? Whether conceived by a woman's love or her fear, a child is a child and should never be put out in the cold by her family." I wasn't just talking about Kiwi anymore. My own mother had thrown me out of my family, and though no one else had disowned me, it would take time to heal that newest wound because, angry or not, my mother had shown me what she truly thought.


	42. Chapter 42

**-A/N: Super short chapter, but I didn't want to put more in it than Casey's interaction with her father. Her dad's a pretty central figure in her life, so his reaction probably has more impact on her than her mother's reaction. Also, I did want to give you all something today even though I feel like today was the least restful sick day I've ever taken in my life. ;) **

My father came into the living room, holding a cup of steaming something out to me. "I told the kids to hold off on the chocolate," he said as I took the mug and sniffed at it. Chamomile tea. I gave him a questioning look. "It's what I used to give you after your big blow ups with your mom when you were a teen."

"I remember," I murmured. "Thank you."

He shrugged. "I don't know how much it's going to help this time, kiddo. I'm sorry."

It was my turn to shrug. "I'm not gonna lie, Daddy, I'm hurt and I'm angry." He sat down in the chair opposite Jen and I, the coffee table between us. He wasn't kidding about giving me space. In a way, I was mad at him, too. "Why did Mamma straight think I was a whore?"

"I can see how she made the leap, Casey. You left David, thank God you did, but you're with Alex now. And, until half an hour ago, we both assumed Alex was a guy. You work in sex crimes. You consider rape as part of the equation automatically. No parent wants to think their daughter was raped. Your mother's having a hard enough time wrapping her head around the fact that you were shot. She saw the scar, too. That's a bad one, Casey. More than anything, she's aware of how close she came to losing you. She may not act like it, but you are her pride and joy. You're her only daughter."

"She's had a funny way of showing it my entire life, Daddy. I mean, if she weren't family, I wouldn't have tolerated it this long." I took a sip of the tea, instantly feeling warm all over. God, it was good. "Is it more of a surprise that David sexually assaulted me or would it have been more of a surprise if I turned out to take on one night stands regularly."

My father regarded me with calm eyes. "Casey, you wanna elaborate on that?"

I looked at Jen, then looked into the tea cup as though the answers would just float to the surface. "I spent two and a half of the last four years with David, Daddy. I left him once before because he threw me around the room. A few months after that, he broke into my apartment and said he'd kill me if I didn't take him back, that he would find me no matter what happened. I don't doubt that he would have tried to kill me and been more successful earlier on. He physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me almost from the start."

"Why didn't you tell us, Casey?" My father, bless him, looked genuinely perplexed.

I shook my head. "I was afraid. I was afraid Mamma would tell me that I made my bed. Then, when I finally did tell you I was afraid of him, you didn't have any reaction. You asked me what you wanted me to have you do, and I didn't know. I just needed someone to confide in, someone who would protect me, and I didn't find it. I was so worried about Mamma judging me or the brothers telling Mamma and her crucifying me that I couldn't tell them. Besides, I'm not exactly close with you all. I love you. You're my family, but all I could hear was Mamma when I told her I wasn't with Charlie any more. It was like Charlie could do no wrong and I was some freak for leaving the perfect man, but he wasn't perfect, Daddy. He refused to take his meds, and then he would attack me because he thought I was going to kill him or whatever the voices told him. He was sick. I don't blame him for what happened, but I couldn't deal with it any more."

My father nodded. "I'm sorry, honey." He was trying hard to be stoic, but I heard a hitch in his voice that I'd never heard before. I glanced up and looked at him. It was the closest I had ever seen my father to tears. "You're right. We are your family, and we should have been there for you. You should be able to turn to us for help when you need it." He paused. I looked back at the cup. I wished it were that easy, but this was going to take a while. "Talk to me about the baby, Casey."

I dropped one hand to my stomach. "I'm due April first," I said. "I found out this week it's a girl. I have no idea what I'm going to name her. God, Daddy, I don't even have her room put together."

"But, you have enough space for a baby?" I nodded. "What about work?"

"Daycare. Or a nanny. I was thinking about hiring a nanny."

He nodded and leaned forward. "What about this Alex person? Is it really a woman or did you say that just to piss your mom off?"

"She's really a woman," I said, my voice smaller, less certain of my strength in defending my lover against my father. Alex would have been able to defend us both just fine, but I knew my father, and my silver tongue held itself at bay around him. Really, I knew I had lost my mother years ago, before I had even graduated high school. My father, however, had always been there in that distant way of his.

Sighing, my father shook his head. "I can't tell you I'm happy for you. I'm not. I hope this is some sort of recuperation thing you're going through after David, to be truthful. You're a little too old to be going through a phase, but on that same token, you're also a little too old for me to be telling you what choices to make in your life."

I bit my lip, forcing myself not to cry. I hadn't expected my father to accept Alex and be glad that I was happy and in love. I had to be happy and in love with a man. A white man, middle class or above, with certain traits indicative of strength, whatever that meant. "I don't think it is a phase, Daddy," I murmured, huddled around myself. "I really think I'm in love, and it's something I've never felt for a man nor do I feel for men what I feel for Alex."

"I'm not going to say that I'm even a good father, Casey, but in this, I cannot be an accepting father. I don't agree with your choice at all, but ultimately, it is God, not me, not me that you will have to answer to. If He can accept it, then that's His deal. Me? I cannot. It's not natural, and it's not right."

"Why not?" I asked my father, not sure if I was still feeling small or angry. Most likely, it was a dreadful combination of both. "If somewhere down the line you even think that God may be able to accept it, why can't you?"

"God is perfect, Casey. I am but a human." He shook his head. "Men were made for women, and women for men. I know that's what we taught you and what you were taught in school. I cannot understand why you think you'll turn your back on your basic nature forever. I can forgive you if this is just a phase, but, I'm sorry, Casey, not if you think you'll wind up with a woman forever. I love you, but I hesitate at the path you're going down and whether or not exposure to two female lovers will be healthy for your child in the long run."

"You mean that my daughter, if she sees me and Alex kissing or holding hands, will grow up to be a lesbian." My father shrugged. "Explain to me how that works, Daddy."

"I don't know, Casey. You become what you see."

"Because you and Mamma raised a perfectly straight little girl since you exposed her to only straight people?" I asked, my voice betraying my anger.

"You've been in the city an awfully long time, Casey. These lesbian tendencies didn't show up until recently."

"That's not true," I protested.

He shook his head. "It's the first I've heard of them."

I pulled myself tighter around me. "I lost my virginity to a girl at sixteen, Daddy. We didn't know what the Hell we were doing, but we did it all the same."

My father frowned. "I really wish you hadn't told me that."

"I really wish you'd pull your head out of your ass. I'm still your daughter. Or will you throw me out, too?" My anger had returned full force, and I was ready and willing to lash out at any available moment.

"I will never throw you out, Casey. You're my daughter. I cannot turn away from that part of me that says two women together is simply wrong. I will hope that you change your mind, but I will not kick you out."

I bit my lip. "I can be your sweet little girl as long as I never mention Alex and don't bring her over, is that it?" I asked, tears threatening to fall again. My father had, at least, the dignity to look ashamed. "It doesn't matter that she loves me and I love her, that she makes me happy, that she doesn't judge me, that she is willing to help me raise this baby so obviously not hers, that she is willing to accept that my family are a bunch of bigoted assholes, that she is willing to put her own life at risk to save mine, or that she is the one that holds me when I have nightmares about being raped or shot. All that matters to you is that she's a girl, and, suddenly, the one person on this world who cares the most about me is worthless and our relationship is wrong in your eyes."

"How do you know she's willing to risk her life for you, Casey? That's a far leap."

I shook my head. "It's not. When David shot me, Alex shot him. If she hadn't, he would probably have shot me again, and I truly would have died."

"Frank," Jen tried. "I've met the woman. She's a good person with a good soul. I've seen the way she looks at Casey, and Casey is her world. That baby will be, too. Your daughter and your granddaughter will be well cared for, and they'll be well cared for if you and Claire are in the picture or not, but wouldn't you prefer to be in your daughter's life? Wouldn't you like to get to know the baby and witness the kind of beautiful legacy you'll leave behind? It's more than just your sons' children, Frank. It's Casey's, too. Casey's already proven she can do so much. She learned how to be strong from you. Can you imagine the kind of strength her daughter will have and what kind of amazing contributions she'll make to this world? If I were you, I would want to see that in that baby as much as I would in my sons' children."

"I believe she's a good woman," my father said, "and, of course I still want to be in Casey's life. It's the lifestyle I don't approve of."

"I don't know, Frank. I can't see it. If you were to see them around each other, I think you would change your mind. They've got something special, and even if it isn't forever, think of everything Casey's been through in the last year. This Alex woman loves her in spite of all of that and has probably helped her to heal."

My father shook his head. "I'll try, Casey. I'll try, and I'll let you know, but I can't promise you more than that."

Crying silently, I nodded. There was little else I could do. "I'm going to head out now," I said. "I just want to go home and sleep. I'll talk to you closer to Christmas, but I don't think I'll be visiting." I stood up and folded the blanket. I didn't even say goodbye to my mother or hug my father. I just left.

My father hadn't thrown me out, but he had made it clear that such antics were not welcome. Which meant Alex was not welcome, which meant that part of my family would be missing at family gatherings. The chasm between myself and my family grew wider. My father may nor have been as bad as my mother, but he wasn't much kinder, either.


	43. Chapter 43

I lay across my couch nearly two weeks later, phone on my chest on speaker phone as I listened to the sound of Alex's voice. She was ranting about something, but I didn't really know what. I was too lost in the tones of her voice. "Wait, Al, why did he say that?" I asked as she went into a tirade about how her immediate supervisor had called her to his office.

"Oh, he thinks he can bully me into fucking him. I'm the only single woman at the office, and I think he thinks that's some sort of go ahead. I told him the law suit I would bring against him if he ever so much as suggested that again would be so fantastic he wouldn't have dick enough left to suck."

I chuckled. "He's got no idea you used to be an attorney, huh?" I said, horrified that someone would say that to Alex and amused that she would bring up the lawsuit.

"No, they don't. But, I think he's suspicious since I started citing code at him, listing what I could reasonably go after in damages and the criminal charges out here that could be laid against him by the District Attorney. I think that freaked him out the most." I could hear the smile in her voice as she enjoyed herself at her supervisor's expense.

I sat up. "So, they fired him, right?"

"They took my complaint and scheduled a review for next Monday." The frown slipped back into her voice. "You know, I never did hear from you after Thanksgiving. Is everything okay?"

I sighed. "Not really," I said, not elaborating.

"I'm sorry, Beautiful. What happened?"

Closing my eyes, I fought my still raw emotional reaction. I hadn't called Alex because I was afraid I'd turn into a puddle of tears on the phone with her, and that was something I didn't want. If I admitted to myself what I really thought, I didn't want to tell Alex that my family rejected her. The thought that my family couldn't accept her just made my heart break. They had no idea who she was or what she was like. Just the fact that she was a woman was enough, and I was both embarrassed and appalled. I knew it had taken me a moment to wrap my head around it. Some days, it still took me by surprise. I am not perfect, either, but I was willing to give something a chance before judging it. If I could, why couldn't my parents?

Robert had, in his defense, tried to call me. I had let his call go to voice mail. He had been kind, saying only that he wanted to talk to me before I rejected everyone based on our parents' beliefs. It made me think he didn't mind. I was kind of hoping the brothers could meet Alex before passing judgment. She was, in so many ways, like them. Strong, protective, intelligent, a real firestorm when she wanted to be but, deep down, the biggest teddy bear in the world. "I miss you, Alex," I finally said. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you, too, honey. Talk to me."

I recounted Thanksgiving in the least detail possible while still giving her enough detail that she knew what happened. "I didn't expect them to jump for joy when I came out, Alex, but my mother's reaction to the baby plus my father's reaction to you – I don't know what to think." I sighed. "I was hoping they would ask me to give them time to digest. I mean, I would have hoped that they would have understood about the baby, and I think my father does. It's not like I deliberately went out and got myself pregnant – granted, even if I hadn't, I think my behavior until recently would have enabled a possible pregnancy. But, when it came to you, I really just wanted my father to say that he would consider it. But, he drew the line like he would never consider that you could be so perfectly right for me simply because you're a woman. Fuck, Alex, he even said he believed you were a good person. But, apparently not good enough that it's okay for me to date you."

Alex didn't interrupt me as I told her what had happened or had a near emotional break down after. I hated my parents so much right then, and it was as though Alex knew that even though I hadn't said as much. I think my tone made it more than evident. "Don't hate them, Casey. Never forget, they raised you, and it's you I fell in love with. I'm sorry they were so horrible to you, but they helped shape you into who you are today, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. If I could, Casey, I'd call your mother and thank her for giving birth to you because no matter what they think about me and you and us and the baby, I am truly grateful to your parents."

I lay back down, my head on the arm of the couch. "Why can't they be like you?" I asked.

It was a rhetorical question, but Alex had a smart answer anyway. "Because I'm the only me in the world. That's why you love me so much."

Smiling, I giggled. "It is."

"What are you going to do, then?" she asked, her voice becoming neutral.

I shook my head. "I have no idea, Alex. I haven't talked to anyone in the family since, not even Jen even though she stood up for you. You made quite the impression on her, by the way. I think I'll call and wish them a Merry Christmas, but I don't see these wounds healing any time soon."

"Why don't you take a vacation over Christmas?" Alex suggested.

I laughed. "Only if you can come, too."

"I think I can swing that. Why don't you come here?"

"Where's here?" I asked, switching my phone off speaker and pressing it to my ear.

"Wisconsin," she told me. "It's nothing great, but-"

"You're kidding, right? I would actually get to spend my first Christmas with you, with you?" I could hear the grin in my voice and feel it on my face. It was goofy, but the idea of spending Christmas with Alex, no matter where in the world we were, sounded so fantastic and heavenly that I couldn't force myself to not smile.

She laughed. "You sound like a giddy school girl. I'll let the Marshals know that's the plan."

I smiled. "I love you, you know that?"

"I didn't," she teased. "In fact, until you told me, I had no idea."

"Mmhm," I purred. "Whatever." Our conversation dwindled into talk over every day nonsense, and she caught me up to speed on everything in her life. I filled her in on everything at work, including letting her know how her detectives were doing. The woman was still alive. They were still her detectives, and they would be until the day she truly died.

I hung up with the promise to call her in a couple of days, and I lay on the couch for a few minutes longer just basking in the fact that I would get to spend Christmas with someone I genuinely cared about and who genuinely cared for me.

My phone rang before I was ready to get up, though it was getting to be late in the evening on a Sunday. If shit were going to happen, of course it would happen now. "Novak," I answered, the caller ID telling me it was the precinct.

"It's Fin," the man on the other line said. "Policy says we gotta have an ADA when they find a body."

"Yea," I said, rolling off the couch. "I'm coming. Where?"

He gave me the address then said, "Liv's on her way to pick you up. She forgot her cell on her desk, though."

"Okay," I said. "I'll head outside to wait for her. Tell CST not to touch anything unless the body is in danger of destruction." The policy about homicides was that an ADA needed to supervise for matters of the law. The last case anyone wanted to lose was a homicide case because that meant someone's killer went unpunished. Their death was unanswered. If someone got off on a homicide because of a technicality, that would be unacceptable.

"You got it."

"Why did they call SVU?"

"Woman and baby found dead together. Officers on scene said the baby'd been shot. The woman's so mutilated that they can't tell off the bat what might have killed her. Casey, are you going to be okay out there?"

I swallowed. "No," I said, being honest. It was easy to be honest with Fin. I wrapped a hand over my stomach. "But, I've gotta go. Someone's gotta make the bastard who killed them pay."

Hanging up, I grabbed my jacket and put on a pair of tennis shoes. The policy said an ADA had to be on scene. They never said I had to look ready for court. Besides, if it was a messy crime scene, I wanted to be in clothes that were less expensive than any suit I owned. At any rate, though my clothing size actually hadn't changed – my doctor was still irate that I wasn't gaining any weight as I'd lost those three pounds that I had gained – I was starting to lean more and more towards being comfortable over professional. My hips were pretty much always sore, and I had managed to panic only a day or two before when I learned precisely what Braxton Hicks contractions meant. For that alone, I would have gone in to work wearing sweatpants, but I didn't. I did, however, go buy several pairs of black pants that were still professional but with a semi-elastic waist band and skirts of a similar caliber. Granted, at that moment, I was wearing a pair of loose fitting jeans and a long sleeved shirt. The only thing I added was a belt to at least make me look somewhat put together before I bound down the stairs hoping Olivia wasn't outside waiting.

She wasn't outside, so I opted to sit by the front desk and visit with Nick. Nick Arnetti was a former NYPD officer, though still very young. He had been involved in a shooting five years into the force, and he hadn't been able to get back in a squad car after that. He had also been the one to give Alex the key to my roof – a key which was now part of my key ring. "Hey Casey," he said as I sat down, adjusting myself so that my pelvis wasn't screaming at me in discomfort. "How are you doing?"

"Been better, been worse," I said with a soft smile. "What about you?"

"Not too bad. Hey, I tried to get a hold of you earlier, but you weren't answering your phone. Everything okay?"

"Oh, yea. Sorry. I was in the middle of a business call."

"Well, one of the FBI guys came in with this for you." He picked up what looked like a basket with handles and set it on the counter. I looked at it with caution, poking at the cellophane wrapping until it slit. Nick helped me gather the wrapping and threw it away. I felt tears well up as I picked up neatly folded white, pale yellow, and pale green Onesies. There was a small teddy bear rattle and two pacifiers propped up against a pale green, plush frog. At the other end of the basket was a pale brown plush teddy with a wooden handled pale yellow baby brush that looked like it had been hand painted in its lap. Below the Onesies, I found itty bitty nail clippers, baby lotion, baby shampoo, two wash clothes with embroidered frogs, three pairs of socks, a pair of hand mittens, a comb that matched the brush, a thermometer, and a letter.

I stared at everything in the little basket and looked up at Nick. "Congratulations," he said. "I didn't know you were pregnant."

I nodded, my lips between my teeth because I didn't trust myself to speak. It took two tries, but I finally managed. "Six months to the day." He looked me over, eyes somewhat surprised. "Don't you start, too. My doctor already thinks I'm too skinny." He didn't say anything, and I went back to examining the basket, standing to really poke at it.

The basket itself was made of reeds woven together which just seemed to perfectly Alex. The lady really was high class. The fabric was soft to the touch and striped pale green and cream, but the cut gave the fabric a ruffle as it spilled out of the basket marking it as distinctly more girlie than a straight trim might have. It took me a second to realize what it was. I'd seen Moses baskets before, but not one quite so elegant and beautiful. Alex was true to her nature in both her own home from what I had seen in Santa Fe and in what she gave to others. I brushed my fingers over the woven reeds before picking up the letter.

Unfolding it, I sat beside the counter and read.

_My Beautiful Girls, _

_I trust this will find you well and safe and with the knowledge that I both love and miss you dearly. You are my angels, and I cannot wait until I am reunited again with you, no matter how long or how short._

_Casey, I know you are overwhelmed right now with everything going on, so I hope this basket eases some of your worries. I promised that you were not alone in this, and you will not be alone. What I can provide to you, I will, and you will always have my love and my ear when you need to call. Right now, things are rightfully frightening. You've chosen a path for yourself and your daughter that is not slated to be easy, but I have faith in you and your strength that you can do this, and you can do this well. You will be a fantastic mother, and that child will know nothing but love and compassion from you, just as I have come to know nothing but love and compassion from you._

_I told you once that I would be here for you until you got tired of me and told me to leave. That still stands, ma petite. I am here for you and for your daughter from now until the day you realize you can do so much better. _

_I love you, Casey Elisabet. I love you, Kiwi. _

_Yours now and forever, _

_Alexandra Jane_

I laughed as I read that last paragraph, pushing the tears from my cheeks. "Alex, you're such a sap," I murmured at the paper, shaking my head.

A pair of arms slid around me, a face pressing against mine. "I know," came the whispered response as her fingers curled over my stomach. "I'm a hopeless romantic." I jumped in her arms, my heart racing. I hadn't seen or heard her enter the building which felt odd because I had gotten so accustomed to being hyper vigilant that I hadn't noticed that I was starting to trust the world again. She pulled me flush against her, kissing my neck softly. "I missed you."

"I missed you," I whispered, my hand resting against her cheek. When she gave me enough room, I twisted in her arms and kissed her, my mouth meeting hers with the same fervor one might gasp for air after a near drowning. My eyes closed, and I just focused on the feel of her body against mine. I came up for air only to be brought down again by her fingers on my chin, pulling me back for more.

When she pulled away this time, she dropped to a near crouch at my stomach. Pushing my shirt up, she kissed my stomach as well. "I missed you, too, Beautiful Girl," she murmured. Her eyes drifted up to me, and I looked down at her, smiling.

Her hair was up in a pony tail, and she was dressed in black jeans and a dark blue top, but it was the glint of metal around her neck that made me react. Reaching out, I picked up the chain and held the badge in my hands, giving her a strange little look. Her brows went up and bounced a couple of times, and I looked the badge over in my hands. _Special Agent United States Department of Justice _was scrawled into the plate. "You have a lot of explaining to do later," I said as I looked up beyond her to the doorway. "Olivia's picking me up to go to a homicide."

Alex laughed, kissing me again. "I need your keys," she whispered in my ear. "I'll let myself in." Her fingers danced their way over my hip bone and into my pocket where she withdrew my keys.

"How long are you here for?" I asked, my eyes scanning hers again, seeing the sheer joy she held in them. Something had made her incredibly happy, and I hoped to God it was me.

"January third," she murmured. "But, if you'll indulge me, we won't be here the whole time." I gave her a curious look. "I thought we both needed to get out of our lives for a little while."

"I'll indulge," I said, confused. "But, right now, unless you want to explain all this to Olivia, I suggest you make yourself at home upstairs." Alex kissed me quickly and chastely again before grabbed the basket and the keys, disappearing into the elevator as Nick buzzed her up.

I turned to look at the former police officer, my eyes still wide. "You really missed her, huh?"

"Yea," I mused, my fingers tracing over my stomach at the flutter of the memory of her lips against the taut flesh. "Alex is home, baby, at least, for a little while." I didn't know what she meant by the whole business about indulging her by not staying here the whole time, but I decided not to speculate just yet. She would tell me, I was sure.

"What does she do that keeps her away for so long?"

I shrugged. "The badge says she's a federal agent."

Nick laughed. "Alright, special assignment, I get it. No wonder Gary thinks you're paranoid."

I pursed my lips. "He does?"

"Only teasingly, Casey. He doesn't actually think it. He just thinks it's funny that no one is allowed up to visit you except for those two detectives and her." I shrugged, my eyes turning to the door as it opened.

"Hey, Novak," Olivia said. "Sorry, I left my phone on my desk. Is everything okay here?"

Nodding, I asked, "Why wouldn't it be?"

"There's an FBI car parked outside this place. It surprised me and I got worried, that's all."

I shook my head. "I'll take you at your word." I looked to Nick, question on my face.

He shook his head as well. "Sorry, Detective. I don't know. I haven't seen any FBI agents come in." It was him, not me, that Olivia believed which almost made me laugh. I managed a straight face, however, as we headed back to her squad car and out to the homicide. I should have been preparing myself for the scene, but I was far too distracted.


	44. Chapter 44

On scene, I threw up. Not actually inside the room where the bodies had been found, but I had run outside, Olivia hot on my heels, and found myself a nice bush to vomit in. I have never thrown up at a homicide, but this one just wrenched me inside and out, and I couldn't help myself. When I finished, Olivia handed me a damp napkin. "You don't have to go back in there, Casey," she told me. I could see the horror reflected in her eyes, but in her, it was much more subdued, as though she had seen too much to really take the full impact. Still, it had been gruesome. Or maybe I was just more sensitive given my current condition.

"Yea, I do," I said. It wasn't because I had anything to prove to any of them, but because I wanted to be there for the woman and the baby. It was a pretty fragile scene. The baby was in the crib with a pillow spattered with blood, a hole through the middle of the fluff. Who could shoot a kid, I didn't know, but I guessed that was what the pillow was for – not to silence the kid, but to silence his killer's conscience. What an infant could ever do to someone was beyond me. It wasn't even like a baby could testify in a trial.

Standing, I held on to Olivia's arm. "Why the kid, Liv?" I asked, steeling my nerve to go back inside.

"Some people are just that evil, Casey," the detective said. My nails dug into her arm as I focused on my breathing, trying to isolate my thoughts so that I wasn't unfocused with the massacre in the room. And, even though it was only two people, I felt like it was a massacre. It wasn't messy, just violent. The cleanliness actually reminded me of images of professional hits that I had been shown in trainings, though I had never encountered any in reality.

My grip on her arm slowly relaxed. I was impressed that Olivia had the patience to stand there while I basically tried to claw her skin from her muscles. Not only that, but she didn't even flinch. "Okay," I said with a nod. "I'm ready."

I followed Olivia back inside, the officers standing guard outside the apartment giving me a surprised look. For how quickly I had run out of there, I hadn't thought I was going back in. "You know, you don't have to prove anything, Casey. They do know what they're doing in there. You can stay out here and they can ask questions if they need to.

Shaking my head, I slipped the booties on that the crime scene technician handed me just outside the nursery door. "It's not them that I have to prove anything to, Olivia. I'm doing this for the victims." Breathing shallow and slow, I stepped back into the room and looked around at the death.

The baby was where it had been when I left. The woman was laying on the floor, and I focused my eyes on her instead of at the crib. If I looked at the crib, I'd lose it. In watching the dead woman, I noticed what the detective meant when she had said that the officers who initially responded couldn't identify how the woman had died. It had been bloody and violent, but contained. The spatter didn't travel very far past the pool of blood around the body except for a line of blood trailing towards the door.

"If someone can kill them, Olivia, I can be here, now, and, later, hopefully impress upon a jury the impact of their deaths." I stayed out of the way of the technicians, just watching everything that happened.

It took nearly thirty minutes before Olivia pulled me out. I hadn't realized I had been staring in a sort of open mouthed horror at the crib. The sounds and movements of those around me had drowned out except for the little decorated crib. The baby had likely been a boy. Everything was in different shades of blue. Apparently, too, everyone had noticed how spacey I had become and Olivia finally dragged me out of the nursery and into the living room in the small apartment. "Casey, snap out of it."

Olivia continued to walk me through the building and outside the complex until I turned to look at her. I gasped, my eyes wide. "Oh, my God, Olivia. Oh, God. They killed the baby. Who kills a baby?" My hand clasped around my stomach.

"You need to sit down, Casey, before you pass out." She pushed me into the passenger seat of the squad car, forcing a bottle of lukewarm water into my hand. "Drink something."

Shaking, I did, as Olivia practically forced the water to my lips. Behind Olivia, Fin and Elliot joined, both looking deeply concerned. "Casey, are you alright?" Elliot asked.

"The baby," I murmured.

Elliot looked at me with sad eyes. "I know, Casey. Kids make us all uncomfortable." He leaned over Olivia and I, his hand on the hood of the car for balance. "You really don't have to be in there. Why don't you stay out here? I doubt there'll be anything for you, anyway." He stood up as I shrank away from him. It was an automatic gesture, and I didn't mean to do it. Had I thought about it, I wouldn't have, but I felt trapped. There was a dead infant in that apartment and the woman who was most likely his mother dead at his side. There was just something so distinctly wrong about that now that had never been wrong before that moment.

Elliot stood up abruptly, clearly having seen my reaction. Olivia apparently did, too, because the next thing she said sounded more like an order. "Stay out here. I'll fill you in on the details. I doubt they'll need a warrant on anything so far, anyway. Someone found a purse in the kitchen with an ID in it, and the picture looks like the woman."

"What's her name?" I asked.

"You don't need to know that right now, Casey. Maybe tomorrow when you're feeling better, okay?" Numb, I nodded.

They began to walk away when I called out to Elliot. "Wait, Stabler." He paused, returning to me. "How do you do it?" I asked.

"Do what, Casey?"

"Do this job as a parent," I clarified.

He gave me a strange but not surprised look. "It's not easy, Casey. You never get used to it. You never stop thinking about what if that sick fuck did something like that to your kid. You get nightmares you never thought you'd have. You get paranoid and hyper protective. But, Casey, the battle is worth the fight because going home and spending time with my children reminds me that everything we do out here is worth while. It means something. And, every asshole I help take off the street is one less asshole that can hurt my kids."

I nodded. "Okay," I said, still numb. The baby would be etched forever in my mind not as an image I saw after but as an image that I saw painted fresh in my mind.

"You'll be a great mom, Casey." I looked up at him, then over to Olivia and Fin who both shook their heads. "It's okay. You touch your stomach a lot and have been really touchy with cases involving children recently. I took a shot in the dark. Guess I was right." He looked behind him at the other two detectives. "Guess they already knew, huh?"

I nodded. "Cragen and Munch don't. I'm telling everyone tomorrow, including Branch. Until then-" He pressed his finger to his lips as though saying silently that he would be quiet.

"Thanks."

He squeezed my shoulder. "You'll be alright."

I watched them disappear back into the complex before leaning back on the seat. On the bright side, the sun was still covering this area of the sidewalk and despite the cold, my face warmed some with the light on it. It was probably only three in the afternoon. The babysitter had found the two bodies. I wondered how she was doing. Fifteen and she had to be taken to the hospital in shock. She was one brave kid to call 9-1-1. I made a mental note to tell her as much when I was together enough to feel comfortable meeting her. I needed a solid wall I could put my personal life behind so that it didn't effect me like this. It had been my struggle since day one with the unit, since I asked Branch if I could step down from SVU.

When the scene was wrapped up enough that Olivia could take me home, I asked her very specifically not to give me any details just yet. She smelled of death, and so did I, and it made me want to gag. I had fielded a few requests for potential case changers as far as my office was considered, but, for the most part, an ADA on scene was just for proof's sake. In theory, it was to make sure the evidence really was tracked appropriately. One, no one wanted a repeat O.J Simpson trial. Two, I think my bosses were just twisted and liked to drag us out at all hours of the day, night, and weekend.

"Alright, Casey." She pulled the car away from the curb and rolled the windows down. It was cold, but at least the wind made the smell less obvious.

I looked at her for several long seconds before looking at my hands in my lap. "I can't believe I lost my lunch," I said with a sheepish smile.

"Have you ever been to a homicide like that?" she asked. "I mean been, not just seen in photographs."

"Nope, that's my first."

"You picked a hell of a first, Novak. They're all bad, but most of them aren't that bad." She sounded like she half way believed herself. I wondered which part she didn't believe. "Not as many kids, anyway." As we pulled up to a light, she turned her gaze on me. "Why did you ask Elliot about how he handles it with his kids?"

I had forgotten. I had told her I was pregnant, but I had never told her I was keeping the baby. "Because, in three months, I'm going to be head over heels in the same realm, Olivia. My daughter's not even born and already I'm terrified for her."

"You're keeping her," Olivia said. It was definitely not a question. She smiled, wide and honest. "Casey, you'll be a great mom. I know you will."

"The light's green," I said, breaking out into a grin even though I felt numb inside.

The detective turned back to the road and pulled off to the tune of the cars behind us honking. Sunday in New York City. No one took a break. "Do you need anything?" she asked me.

"I need to tell my boss and the captain. What do you think the chances are of me roping the four of you into helping me move my study out of the second bedroom in the apartment and painting and putting together the baby furniture? I've been banned from doing so by the doctor."

"I'm in. I can't see Fin or Elliot declining. Munch will come over. I don't know how much help he'll be, though. Still, good conversation. You're serious, huh?" I could tell she was excited, and it was somewhat infectious.

I nodded. "Yea. I can't give her up, Olivia. Even if her father is this monster, she's not. At least, she doesn't have to be if I can be a positive influence. I mean, I'm terrified of her reminding me of what happened, but I think the reality of the situation is that I will never forget, whether she's in my life or not. I can't hold anything against her. She asked for this less than I did. What she deserves now is for me to step up into the role I've been handed, and I fully intend to do so."

Olivia bit her lip. "You're an amazing soul, Casey."

I looked at her curiously. Her tone had dropped and living with David and Charlie had taught me to listen to people's tones when they spoke in order to prepare for a physical blow. "Liv, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." She smiled at me.

I shook my head. "No, detective. What's wrong? You've been incredibly supportive through this whole process, and I can't help but think you've got something personal at stake on some level. Talk to me."

She pressed her lips together. "My mother was raped when she was in college." She didn't have to say more. I made the connection. "I was born nine months later."

I looked at her, quiet for a few seconds. "Olivia, how did your mother treat you?"

She stared straight ahead as she drove, but I noticed that she was gradually increasing the speed of the unmarked police cruiser until she ran a red light and a marked cruiser lit up behind us. "Olivia, stop. Stop the car."

She did, her chest rising and falling rapidly. The cruiser behind us barely able to stop without colliding with the vehicle we were in. "Fuck, Olivia."

"I'm sorry, Casey. I'm sorry." She looked at me, twisting in her seat. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Roll down the window and explain to the officer that you're a detective," I said, pointing at the man at the window.

She rolled down her window and smiled up at the young man, pulling her badge off her belt and showing him. "Hey. Sorry about that. Just left a child homicide."

He nodded with understanding. "The shooting?" Olivia nodded. "Shit, Detective. I'm sorry. I can't even imagine." He nodded at me. "Who's that?"

"ADA Novak." I said, giving him wide, horrified eyes. I still hadn't gotten over the baby in the crib. My eyes were honest. Normally, I would have hidden them, but I didn't mind him seeing my abject fear at the images burned permanently in my mind.

"Drive safe, then." We both nodded. He walked away.

Olivia made to pull the cruiser into gear, but I put a hand over hers. "No, Olivia. Not until you tell me what that was about. It's not just your life and mine at stake when you start driving like that. Kiwi's safety is important to me, too. How did your mother treat you?"

She rested her hands in her lap, and we both watched the other cruiser pull away. "She was a fall down drunk, started drinking after I was born because I reminded her too much of him and what he did. She used to yell all the time, Casey." Her voice was strained, and I wondered if she had ever talked about the abuse. "She would call me names. She never really hurt me physically, but I had to take care of her when she got drunk, and the things she said to me – she would tell me constantly that I was just like him whenever I would get angry." She shook her head.

I took her hands in mine. "Olivia, you are nothing like the man who raped your mother. You just aren't. Look at what you do for a living, detective."

She nodded. "Sometimes, I believe that. But, I like when I can throw a perp around, Casey. It makes me feel powerful and strong. What if I chose this career because of the part of me that's him?"

I shook my head. "I like when you throw a perp around, Olivia, and I was conceived of a loving relationship. Part of every human being likes to see the bad guys tossed, especially men who prey on women and children. And, you chose this career because you want to do good."

"You're so certain?"

I nodded. "I've been raped, Olivia. I lived with a rapist. And, his soul was empty and hollow. He got off, genuinely got off when I cried while he was on top of me or when I told him no and still submitted to him anyway. I've also seen you, and you're brimming over with love and compassion. You're not like a rapist at all, Olivia." I took her hand and pressed it on my stomach. "And, I am not going to start drinking or call her names. I have an amazing support system that it sounds like your mom maybe didn't have. You've been so helpful, Olivia, and part of my decision in keeping the baby has come from the kind of support I will have when I stop looking at her for who she is and start seeing him. I'm not saying it won't happen, but I know I have supporting people in my life I can call to help me pull myself back together."

Kiwi kicked against Olivia's hand as though reminding her that she was there. "You feel absolutely nothing but love, huh?" the detective asked, staring at me now, the anger seeping out of her face. I figured she was angry at her mother. Her mother had offered her a different kind of rejection than my mother had offered me, but rejection hurt nonetheless.

"Oh, there's terror and trepidation. I don't know if I'll be the best mom. I think she'll deserve better than me, but damn it if I'm not going to do my best, Olivia. She's my daughter, and she deserves nothing less."

"Thank you," Olivia murmured, withdrawing her hand. This time, I let her pull away from the sidewalk. "I guess we'll lean on each other."

I nodded. "Okay."

I fell silent in the seat beside her, and she didn't make any attempt to talk, either. When we pulled up to my complex, she looked over at the FBI car still parked outside. I would have to tell the agent to move. Although, the car looked empty. I wondered if there was anyone there or if they had given Alex a car. In fact, I would have to ask her about the badge, too. As far as I knew, they hadn't recruited her to be an agent, so I was left very confused. "It's still there," she mused.

I nodded. "Yea, I guess. That black one, right? I don't know when it showed up. I'll ask Nick if he noticed. Why?"

"Isn't the FBI involved in your case against David?" I nodded. "Think they might be here for that?"

"Maybe. He's got a hearing in a couple of days, but the trial isn't set until after April first which I asked for so that I won't have to go to trial pregnant. I told him I lost the baby. I really don't want him to know I didn't."

"Fair enough. You okay to go in by yourself, then?"

I nodded. "Oh, yea. None of the guys here will let anyone but you and Fin up to my apartment, so I'm not worried." I didn't mention Alex. In part, I wanted to. I wanted to tell her that I knew Alex was alive as well and that Alex was doing okay. I didn't know if I wanted to tell her I was gay, but I knew she would probably like to know Alex was okay. But, I kept my mouth shut. I felt bad, but I didn't say anything. I didn't know how Alex would feel first of all. Second, would it be a little creepy that I had not only met her after she had 'died' but then kept in contact with a dead woman? Something inside me told me to keep quiet about it, anyway. Some knowledge is best kept to oneself.

I bid Olivia good bye and headed back inside the building. Nick had to buzz me up to the elevator since I had given Alex my keys. "Do you want me to make a key set for her?" the former police officer asked.

Smiling, I hopped out of the elevator and over to the counter. "I can do that?"

"Casey, you're something else. I'll make her an elevator card and apartment key. They'll be ready by tomorrow when you leave for work."

Grinning, I headed back up to the apartment, knocking softly on the door since Alex had locked it. I tucked my hands into my back pockets and leaned back on my heels. "Hey, Wonderful," I said as she opened the door. The numbness and tension from the baby and the conversation Olivia and I had held melted as she smiled broadly, her hands snaking around my waist.

"Hey, Beautiful," she murmured just over my mouth before she drew me into the apartment, kissing me. I held her tight against me, feeling her against my body, letting her scent drown me. I wove my hands into her hair, amazed at how soft her hair was. She broke the kiss first and held me against her. "I love you, Casey. The space between us kills me."


	45. Chapter 45

Smiling, I licked her neck. "There's really not a lot of space between us right now, Alex," I teased sensing that she was being serious. I didn't know how much more serious I could handle right then. I might have overloaded with that homicide.

She just cuddled me closer. "I know. I want it to stay that way forever." There was something burdening her. I could feel it, and, usually, she let it go so we didn't both spiral down together. Alex was far more in control than I was. She was a woman of steel and reinforcements. I marveled at the walls she had built because I had yet to build them. I wondered when and why they had appeared. Were they there before Witness Protection? Or, had they appeared after?

I wrapped my arms around her back and held her close to me. "It's okay, Alex. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always wait for you. Even when we aren't together, we'll still be close." She kept pulling me into her like she could absorb me. If she could, I swear, she would have. I could feel the tension rising in her muscles just under her skin. The walls were building, but, for once, I wanted to fight to let her keep them down, to show me what went on in the darker spaces of her heart. "What are you afraid of, Lex?"

"I can't explain it, Casey. My power is in words, and they fail me when it comes to what I'm feeling. I'm afraid, but not of Connors or Zapata. I'm just so scared. I'm dead but I'm alive, but I'm not me. I'm this reincarnated version of myself, except that a very large part of my brain cannot accept that I've been reborn as Emily. It's like I'm in a play, Casey, where the only one who knows that I'm acting is me. It's so, so lonely that I don't have words to describe it. I lost everything."

I placed my hands on her cheeks and looked at her, waiting until she met my eyes before speaking. "You found me, Alex. Maybe it took losing everything you had, and maybe it took losing most of what I had for us to find each other, but you found me. You have me. It's not much, I know, but I can give you everything I have, all of my love."

She smiled hesitantly, like she wasn't sure if she were allowed to or not. "It's a lot, Casey. You're a lot. You're my world. You and your daughter are my world. It's difficult being separated from you, but I am okay because I know I'll be able to hold you again." Her hands moved to my stomach, and she cupped my near flat abdomen as though she were holding the world. "When she's born, Casey, I'm going to miss so much of her growing up and how you change to become a mother. You'll be a great mother, but it hurts realizing my lover will be raising her daughter without me."

Shaking my head, I pressed her hands flat into my stomach. "It doesn't matter how often you're here, Alex, you'll still be a part of this little girl's life. I want nothing more than for her to know you and love you. I know you won't be physically here a lot, but, Alex, I grew up in a military family. I would go for one or two years without seeing my father except in photographs and letters. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I turned out no worse for it. I'm sure the Marshals will let you come here or me go there, especially if I pay the bill, not them. We can meet for vacations whenever. I want her to be able to call you, send you letters and pictures, and she will. You may not be right here holding her hand every single day, but I want you to always hold her heart. You're my family, Alex. You'll be her's, too."

Her thumbs traced small circles onto my skin, the fabric of my shirt brushed up, down, and around as she did so. "Will you forgive me, Casey, that I cannot be here as much as I want to?" she asked me, her face so pale white I was afraid she might pass out. "I would leave, but I'm less good to either of you dead, and there's still an active hit out on me according to intelligence.

"Alex," I said, shaking my head again. "I don't think you're understanding me, or maybe just not listening to me. There is nothing to forgive. You've done no wrong. That you even want to be here for me and this child, a baby for whom you have neither legal nor moral responsibility, makes me so grateful, so glad inside that I found someone like you. I've only really dated twice. Both were abusive men. My third is my charm, Alex, and if you think I'm going to give you up so easily, you're wrong, dead wrong."

Alex knelt at my feet, her hands on my hips as she kissed my navel. I loved that she talked to the baby as though she were able to understand and process these heavy ideas. I loved that she seemed so natural doing it, as though she, as an individual, was pre-programmed for it. "Hey, baby," she said. Kiwi moved with a flutter that I had come to associate with familiarity. Although Olivia didn't talk to my stomach the way Alex did, her voice brought about the same reaction. So did Fin's voice. But, she heard them more frequently than anyone but me. "I know Mommy thinks I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm not gonna lie. I feel like the situation I'm in now means I'm abandoning you every time. I don't know how to fix that without endangering you or your mommy, though, kiddo. I'm trying really hard. I am, but it's not easy. That's not really an excuse though. You deserve to have as many people in your life love you and care for you as possible, and I regret that I won't be able to be here for you as often as you deserve – as often as Mommy deserves."

She kissed my stomach, the fluttering sensation turning into a more solid kick as the baby adjusted to the concept that the sound was much closer to her than normal. "I want to be in your life, baby girl. I want to help Mommy raise you and love you and care for you. Never forget that no matter what, I want to be here." Fingers danced over my skin making me shudder and the baby react. Alex's fingers grazed over where the baby's kicks were centralized. "And, that I love you, very, very much."

I stared at the woman on her knees before me. Jen had been right, and my blond girlfriend had not been lying. We were Alexandra's world. I stroked Alex's hair through my fingers for my own comfort as well as hers. "Alex, she already recognizes the sound of your voice. She knows you even now. Please, don't be so hard on yourself. She will be a great woman like you are, strong and brave and beautiful."

Alex smiled. "If she is those things, it is because her mother is those things."

I smiled. Really, she was adorable, but I could never let it slip that she was such a softie. My Cabot-bear was more than just a teddy sitting on my nightstand. She was the real deal, a true woman, vulnerable and tender with a heart of gold and walls made of reinforced steel. She had let me in beyond those walls, and I got to see the soft, squishy, marshmallow interior of her soul. I dropped on my knees in front of her so that I sat at her level on my heels. "I have a feeling she'll be effected by women much stronger and braver than I." I kissed her nose. "And, much more stubborn."

Alex laughed. 'You must be talking about Olivia," she said with a bright, innocent smile.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Did I say woman? I meant women." The blond rolled her eyes at me. "More seriously, Alex, though." I stopped, my voice suddenly very difficult to find.

Alex shifting so that she was sitting cross legged on the floor of the apartment, looking at me with serious, worried eyes. I guess I never did have good news when I said something like that. Cabot learned well and fast. "Yea, Case, what is it?"

I swallowed again, trying to push down the lump in my throat. "If anything happens to me, Alex, I – I need to know she'll be taken care of if anything happens to me."

Carefully, Alex reached out to me, stopping mere inches from my arm. I was glad she did because I was sure I would cry if she touched me. "Casey, of course she'll be taken care of. I'll take care of her until the day I die – even after if I can. Why, baby, what's going on? What are you thinking about that's got you so worried?"

I swallowed, biting my cheek so hard I tasted blood. My cheek had to be a mess of scars by now. I bit it so often. Sometimes, blood just welled into my mouth, I hadn't realized I was chewing at it. Other times, I woke to the taste of blood in my mouth and a brand new slit along the otherwise smooth muscle of my cheek. "I found out that they medically can't take me off blood thinners – there's too much at stake with my life by going off them so soon, much more than if I stay on them. But, during the delivery, whether by natural birth or Cesarian, I run a significantly greater risk than most women of bleeding out. I've cheated death three times, Alex. I don't want to go into this without a plan for her, not knowing whether or not I'll come out."

She still refrained from touching me, though I could see that it hurt her not to touch me. Half of me needed her to hug me. Most of me would lose it if she did. "How long have you known, Casey?" Alex asked, her words soft and bemused. She seemed suddenly too distant from me, or, perhaps, it was that she couldn't fathom my death. It seemed silly, really. I had been so close to dying once before. Though, once before, I hadn't let her into my heart, and I hadn't really been in hers.

"They warned me when they started me on the drug that by the end of my pregnancy, they didn't foresee me being able to go off them with any success. Maybe, they said, in the event of a miracle, but I lived. I wasn't going to ask for any more miracles. The risk to my life not taking it is so great, though, Alex, that I would probably die and take Baby with me."

"You never said anything," Alex breathed as she stared at me with large, gray eyes. I shook my head. "Why not?"

Biting my lip, I shrugged, pushing the blood I could feel on my lips away. "What would the difference be, Alex, if you had known before this? It's just that now, I'm far enough along that if I were to go into labor, they'd take her. She could survive, and if she does and I don't, ideally, I want her to be raised by you. If not you, though, I trust you to find her a good, stable home."

Alex's hand finally came to rest on my own, her fingers curling over mine. I didn't realize until then that I was shaking. "You wouldn't have had to bear that weight on your own, Casey. Never be afraid to tell me something, no matter how big or small you think it is. I am here to help carry the weight. That's what partners do, sweetie." She pulled me to her and kissed my forehead. I leaned against her willingly, fighting tears. "You're not alone anymore, Case. You have someone you can lean on unconditionally. Your battles are my battles, ma petite." Her finger nails raked over my skull cap a couple of times. She had learned quite accidentally that the light sensation of nails on my scalp was actually very soothing to me.

"I don't want to die," I whispered, the plea all too familiar in her presence.

"I don't want you to die, either. I love you too much to let you go. Besides, if we both are dead, who will prosecute for SVU? They'll be lost." She smiled into my temple, kissing me gently. "But, to assuage your fear, Casey, I promise you on everything I find sacred that I will take care of your daughter and raise her like I would my own should anything happen to you. Though, honestly, you're such a fighter that I really don't see you going anywhere."

She kissed my forehead again, and I tipped my head so that her lips found mine, and I gave her a real kiss, pouring myself into her mouth in an attempt to convey the sheer gratitude I felt towards her then and in every moment. "Thank you, Alex," I whispered.

She wrapped me in her arms, and I was reminded as she pulled me effortlessly into her lap, just how strong she was under the lean exterior. "Casey, I will do anything for you and anything for Kiwi. You two are my world, and you mean the world to me. I'll give up Witness Protection if you need me to, Casey. I mean it. I've never had anything worth dying for until I met you."

I shook my head. "I need you alive and well more than I need you constantly here," I said. "But, thank you, Alex. I know even without me, Kiwi will have a great mom."

She held me in silence for a few minutes, and I felt calmer just breathing her in, the scent of her on my skin was fantastic. "Hey, Casey?" I made a content sound of acknowledgment. "What are you going to name Kiwi?"

I ran my fingers over her arms. "I don't know," I answered honestly. "I haven't decided yet."

"What do you like?"

I looked up at her, realizing she was curled around me so that her chin rested just above the crown of my head. I bit her jaw gently. "I like Temperance," I said. "And Suzanne. I've pretty much narrowed it down to those two. Unless you have suggestions?"

"I like Temperance," Alex muttered, shaking her head. "What about using one for the first name and the other for her middle name. Temperance Suzanne sounds really pretty."

I shook my head. "She's got a middle name already that I'm not changing."

"Oh?" Alex said, the shock evident on her face. I supposed it was strange that I had picked a middle name before I had picked a first. Or, maybe it wasn't. Neither of us had children, so it was all a new experience. And, my parents had all had boys so younger siblings didn't count for me. Alex had been an only child. "And, what is that, may I ask?"

"Lexine," I said as I twisted a little to see her face better. True surprise did register in her face and eyes, and I smiled softly. "That is, Alex, if you have no protests."

She shook her head slowly. "No," she mused. "I don't. I'm surprised, that's all. And, honored. What did I do to deserve that?"

"You're amazing, Alex. I want her to grow up to be like you. Plus, you saved her life more than once. In fact, twice in the same weekend, if I recall." Once by picking me up. Once by shooting David.

Alex's lips met mine like velvety rose petals. "That's really sweet of you, Casey. I really am touched." I could tell she meant it because she had so much trouble getting the words out of her mouth. "So, you're down to Temperance Lexine or Suzanne Lexine?" I nodded. "Do I get a vote?"

"You get the final word, Alex," I told her.

Her hands moved over my stomach, fingers fanning out over the entire structure. "Temperance," she murmured. "Temperance Lexine Novak."

I placed my hands over hers, a warmth spreading through my body that I had learned to associate with Alex's unconditional love. "Perfect," I murmured. "Absolutely perfect."

Alex rubbed her thumbs back and forth over my abdomen, my thumbs hooked on hers, following with a slight drag and bounce over my skin. "She's perfect, Casey," Alex whispered. "So are you."

"Sap," I laughed, sitting up more on my own and kissing her. I twisted out of her lap so I was on all fours in front of her, and I steadily stalked to her, over her, forcing her to lay down on the floor, my hips over hers, my hands at her shoulders as I stared down into her multicolored eyes.

"Temperance Lexine Novak," I said with a warm laugh, "is one day going to have to explain why she has two mommies and no daddies and why her entire family doesn't share one drop of blood but is bound closer than blood ties will ever make it."

Alex shook her head. "No, Casey. If anyone questions her about it, or the world thinks its impoverished for her to have this kind of family, it's the world that will have to explain to her why it's so horrible to be loved and defended, to love and defend, with nothing less than the entirety of her heart and soul."

I slid my knee between her legs, pushing them apart until she complied and brought her legs up so that I could nestle perfectly between her legs. "I'd like to see the world try," I whispered. "I'd really like to see them try."

Using just the tips of her fingers, Alex pushed my hair back behind my ear. "You sure about this?" she asked.

"It's a beautiful name, Alex. I mean, come on, I only gave you two choices."

She shook her head. "Casey, I mean her having two mommies."

I gave her a strange look. "I would never have thought of anything less. I told you already, you've practically been the second parent from the get go. We may not have a traditional anything relationship, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be a mother if you want to be."

"Of course I want to be, Casey," she protested.

I thought she was going to say more, but I cut her off before I could find out. "Then, you are. I don't want to share parenting ideals with anyone else but you, Alex. I may be the only one on her birth certificate, but you and I'll draft paperwork documenting your custody over her should anything happen to me or I not be available. Yea, we're two women, so we'll have to jump around legal loopholes, but that's what we do best."


	46. Chapter 46

**-A/N: I finally remembered to put this on here! A quick note: Unless the story contradicts it, assume canon. This is more Casey's behind the scenes look at her own life as it pertains to what we know in the show - which is, mostly, why I haven't addressed anything in the show... she's assuming that you know what happens. Except, I did take some creative license and change certain elements of the show (the baby and the A/C story line being the most obvious). So, this chapter is just Casey and Alex being cute. Next chapter should prove interesting. Thank you all for being so dedicated. I really do love reading your reviews, even if "everybody made a comment on everything [you] wanted to say." ;) **

I woke up earlier than my alarm with a pair of arms wrapped tight around me such that I couldn't much move. It was probably that which woke me, and I squirmed. "Alex," I whispered, shaking the woman's arms. "Alex, you have to let me lose a little." Her arms didn't loosen, though, and I felt panic rise in my throat. It was just a natural reaction, nothing that was her fault. "Alex. Alex."

I wiggled, sobbing, pulling at her arms. "Sweetie, let me go. Let me go." I felt her wake with a start beside me, her arms vanishing from around me, but, by sheer compulsion, I still pushed at the covers and the mattress. The whimper was caught in the back of my throat

I felt a cool rush as the duvet and sheets were pulled off my body. The pillows vanished, and I wasn't sure if I had pushed them from the bed or if Alex moved them. Then, arms wrapped tight around me again. I clawed and and clung to a pair of hands holding me around the middle, unsure whether I was trying to push them off me or draw them closer. "I can't breathe," I hissed, gasping for air as sheer panic clouded my mind. "I can't – Alex, Alex."

"Casey, open your eyes," she ordered, gripping me tighter. "Open your eyes, honey. It's me. It's just me." Her hands covered mine, effectively stopping the scratching as my fingers curled into my palm, held there by her cool hands.

"No, no, no," I chanted. "No. Please." I felt her release me. Part of my mind was aware that she was there, that this was all in my head. The other part of my mind was so clouded and so compulsive that the logic couldn't intercede. The bed moved, and I felt the weight release as Alex stood. I continued to thrash and twist on the bed.

A hand covered my wrist. Instantly, I went for it, scratching at the fingers. "Ow, fuck. Casey, you have to pay attention. Stop it. Stop. You're going to hurt yourself."

"I don't care," I ranted. "I don't care." A hand grabbed my other arm, and in one swift moment, both of my hands were pinned above my head. "No. Let me go. Let me go." I felt something heavy and bony come down on my hands, not only pinning them but ceasing my ability to scratch. It was what little defense I had left. I screamed once into the open air. I drew a breath to scream a second time, but the sound didn't cascade over me. It was trapped inside a warm mouth, covering mine. In the same way Alex muffled my screams of pleasure, she muffled my screams of fear.

It felt as though she ate my fear, drew it into her in that way of hers, pulling it from me through my mouth. My body went warm and numb. I stopped fighting. Even below what I realized were her knees, my hands stopped fighting. She didn't break the kiss, but she did move her legs so that my hands were free, and I traced them over her thighs as my scream turned into a kiss. I reached up and pressed my hands to her face, pulling her down on me.

"Casey," she whispered, breathless. I watched her chest rise and fall with deep, panting breaths. "Where are you, honey?"

I looked around me. "The floor of my bedroom," I answered, my heart still racing, my own breathing shallow. I was laying on a bed of the comforter and sheets. One of the pillows was by my left arm. The other one was under my hips. "What happened?"

She stroked my hair as she looked down at me. "You had a panic attack, Case. Do you remember what triggered it?"

I started to shake my head, but I stopped. "I couldn't get free," I whispered, biting my lip. "I woke up, and I couldn't get free."

She stroked the side of my face with the tips of her nails, her fingers running gently through my hair. My eyes fluttered at the calming technique, and I felt my racing heart slow and steady. My hand fell on my stomach where Temperance was still moving, no doubt concerned about the excitement in her world. I couldn't imagine the adrenaline rush she got every time I had a panic attack. I felt like a bad mom, but I couldn't help them. I had met with a counselor at the rape crisis center when I had gone in, but I didn't have an appointment scheduled until the first Monday in January. "I'm sorry, ma petite. I am. I didn't mean to squeeze so hard."

I shook my head. "It's okay, Alex. I think I'm already just a little freaked out. What time is it?"

Her body twisted by me so that she could see the bedside clock. "Almost nine," she said. "Come out into the living room, and I'll fix you something to snack on. I've been here since eight this morning, and I haven't seen you eat."

I frowned. "It's still Sunday?"

"Yea. Did you think you'd slept the whole night?"

"I guess." I shrugged, sitting up. My body felt thick and heavy, like I had been working out. I was vaguely aware of a tightness in my chest, though it was common enough that I would feel small tweaks of pain from time to time there that I brushed it off. If it were still around later, I could become concerned.

Alex frowned. "Have you been sleeping a lot, lately?" she asked me.

"No," I answered. "The opposite. I guess I just needed to sleep."

Tipping her head, the blond haired, gray eyed beauty looked at me. "You okay to stand up?" she asked, holding out her hand as she stood, pulling me to my feet at the same time. It wasn't what she was going to ask, but I let it go. Instead, I leaned into her for a second, inhaling the warm scent of citrus. I noticed there was less licorice in the way she smelled, but the pleasantness that was her overall underlying scent hadn't changed, and I pressed up against her, letting that fill me. Her arms wrapped around me. "Casey, I worry about you."

"I know," I said. "But, I'm okay. I really am." I smiled at her. "One day at a time, Alex. No faster. No slower."

"If you're sure," she tucked my hair behind my ear as I nodded. "Then, come sit in the living room and kick up your feet. You need to eat something."

"You sound like my doctor."

She leaned in to kiss me. "Good. Someone's gotta take care of you."

Holding her hand, I followed her back into the living room. The plate of fruits and crackers was still out, and I picked up a slice of apple and bit it, pressing up against Alex's back as I chewed at her ear. She swatted at me, laughing. "You ass," she purred. "Fine, pick at that. I'm still going to make you a real dinner."

I flopped onto the couch, staring over the counter at her moving around in the kitchen. It was fascinating just watching her, though I had learned quickly one of two things happened whenever I entered the kitchen while she was cooking. More often than not, I got kicked out. If I didn't get kicked out, I had learned that there were many more places than a bed to have sex on in a house. And, yes, one of them happened to be the kitchen counter. Another against the fridge. The kitchen table had been an interesting one and had made me grateful that I had bought a sturdy table as opposed to the flimsy designs that were in style.

"Casey, did I put in a request for basil with you?" she called, leaning through the space between the lowered ceiling and the counter top that was the slightly more casual dining area.

I nodded. "Um, cabinet above the microwave."

"I need to organize your spices," she said with a laugh. "Found it. Thank you."

I curled on the couch, nibbling at the fruit as I watched the nightly news. Nothing good was ever on, but it never seemed to stop me from watching. Tucking my legs under me, I tried hard to find a comfortable position without much luck. Finally, I laid on my back, about the only really comfortable position I could find of late. "Temperance," I growled, "you're killing Mommy." I stretched out, laying my head on the arm rest. "Can't I just sit up like a regular human?"

"Nope," Alex murmured from the doorway of the kitchen. "That would be too easy. You need help relaxing?"

I smirked. "Define relaxing, Alex. Because, if I recall, the last time you asked me that-"

She laughed. "No. Really relaxing. Just lay still and focus on your breathing." She came to the edge of the couch and crouched at my feet. She cupped my left foot in her hand, her fingers moving over my toes and the ball of my foot with practiced grace.

I moaned. "God, Alex, is there anything you don't know how to do?" I asked as she began to rub small circles over the bottoms of my foot.

Alex laughed. "I'll learn anything as long as it makes you feel good, sweetie. Just close your eyes and relax."

I did. Her hands worked over both of my feet and up my calves and thighs, and I could feel the tension in my body drift away. I was half way to falling back to sleep when she started working on my arms and very nearly gone when she whispered very softly, letting my fingers drop, "Roll over, Casey." I complied, and her hands moved over my back and shoulders, gradually working their way lower. Every so often, she stopped and worked out a small knot. Her hands moved down my lower back, over my buttocks, and down my thighs and calves, ending where she had started at my feet. I was fairly limp when she stopped, planting a kiss on the heel of each foot.

Curling up seemed suddenly very comfortable, and I think I drifted off for a few minutes because the next thing I knew, Alex was sitting beside me with a glass of water. "Drink this, Casey. It'll help flush your system."

"A chef and a masseuse, how did I get so lucky?"

She smiled. "Not a masseuse, just very good at reading your body."

"The question still stands, Counselor." I took the glass from her and, with help, sat up. As I drank the fluid, I looked over the rim at her pretending to expect an answer. I didn't really, and I didn't really think she would give me one. Of course, she had been a smart ass earlier that day, so I didn't know why I expected anything less than a smart ass comment.

What I got, though, was somewhat serious. "The best things in life happen to us when we think we neither have nor believe we deserve anything good." She paused as I set the glass down. It was half empty. I was normally very good at keeping hydrated, so it surprised me how much I drank. "You are not the only one who was lucky in this, Casey."

I smiled. "You're too good to me."

"You're my queen. You deserve nothing less."

I laughed. "Does that make you my king?"

She thought about that a moment. "Yes," she said. She kissed me, and my already jelly-like muscles quivered under her. "You are my queen, and I am your king, and we live together in a castle by the sea."

"The concrete sea?" I asked, my laugh within my voice.

She pressed her forehead on mine. "No," she said, "The real sea. If you want, I can show you." I nodded, not sure if she were being serious or not. "Then, tell Branch you need off starting December twenty second through January second."

"This short notice, Alex, do you really think he'll let me?" Alex nodded. "You had a better way with him than I do."

"He'll let you. Trust me." She smiled again as she kissed me.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked, excitement fluttering through me.

She shrugged over me, and even though it wasn't, the gesture looked incredibly sexual. "I was hoping to start in Galway, Ireland. I have a few stops planned there from the twentieth to the twenty fourth. For Christmas, I'll take you wherever you want to go, but I have plans for us to stay in Sligo."

"When do you have time to prepare all of this?"

"I work for an insurance agency, Casey, not a District Attorney. I've found I have more time in the world than I ever thought possible." Looking down at me, she shook her head, her hair tickling my neck until I laughed. "Just say you'll come. It'll be our private getaway."

I nodded. "Yes, yes," I said. "I'll go with you. I want to see this castle."

Alex looked at me, her eyes seeming to sink into mine. I shivered involuntarily. Her eyes always set sparks through my body. It was as though that were her magic. "You'll love it. The Irish West Coast is beautiful."

"How do you do that?" I asked. My body remained warm, my stomach tightening.

"Do what?" she murmured, though the sultry change to her voice told me she knew exactly what. She rolled up from me with ease, as though her body were attached to several strings that just allowed her to curl her body straight back so that she was sitting on my thighs. I rested my hands on her hips, but she shook her head, sliding off of me as the timer in the kitchen beeped.

"That," I called, my body still too relaxed from the massage to move. "That whole turn me on and leave me thing. One of these days, you're going to have to finish what you start."

"And, when I do," she said, as I heard the oven door open, "you'll see nothing but stars for a week." Damn her. That was twice now in the afternoon that she had done something deliberately to turn me on. It was all part of her foreplay. I wondered when it would become too much for me.

"You seem so confident in your abilities," I mused, finding my feet and leaning against the counter from the living room side as I watched her pluck what looked like chicken from the pan.

She half turned to smile at me, finger between her teeth. "You've given me no reason to think I should be anything less than confident."

"Oh, rest assured, Alexandra. I will get my own back."

She nodded. "I delight in the anticipation."

I rolled my eyes. "You're such a nerd."

"I got the glasses young. I figured that I might as well get fancy with them."

I shook my head, contenting myself to stand between the two bar chairs and just lean on the counter, watching her in a place that seemed as much her element as the court room. And, as I watched, my thoughts drifted. Would we ever be more than just a weekend here or there kind of couple? As much as I loved her, I couldn't leave New York for her, and I couldn't ask her to leave safety for me. She had made it clear, too, that she didn't want me to leave New York. One of us had to be here, had to fight for those without voices and those whose voices had been ignored so much that they were silenced, screaming figures without a sound. But, would there ever come a day when she could return to the courthouse, her law degree full intact? She was a better prosecutor than I was. I would trade places with her in a heart beat if I could.

"Hey, Spacey Casey, you okay over there?" Alex asked. I hadn't realized she had been staring at me. Flushing, I nodded. "You sure? Your expression was a little frightening."

"How so?"

"You looked so serious. I've never seen you look like that." She frowned at me.

"I was just wondering if you'll ever be out of Witness Protection."

She shrugged. "Maybe. I guess if Connors or Zapata dies, probably. If they die, the cases against them die, too. I can't prosecute the dead; even I'm not that gifted. Or if that case is closed with a conviction or acquittal, perhaps. Although, a conviction might get me killed, too." Alex pulled two plates from the cabinet. "Why?" Worry etched into her voice. "Are you beginning to re-"

"Don't say it, Alex," I said. "I would never regret anything I had with you. I was just day dreaming, that's all. You're a very good chef, Al, but you're a killer of a prosecutor, and I was just thinking how amazing it would be if you could do that again."

"I've pretty much accepted that it's never going to happen, but, yes, it would be nice. My home for so long was the courthouse, from when I was little at my Uncle Bill's knee, barely able to see over the bench at the criminals who stared wide eyed back at me."

I sighed. "You had good tutelage," I observed. "Is anyone else a lawyer?"

She shook her head. "My mother was a CFO and my father was a CEO of two different companies. Plus, there's the family company that they somehow managed to run in between in all."

"Damn. No wonder you can negotiate the way you do."

She shrugged. "Mostly, I was just angry at the defendants. It made it easier to make deals my way or the highway because I really just didn't care what happened to them. I wanted the best for the victims. What I really wanted was to get into politics."

"You'd make a good DA."

"Maybe. I wouldn't have minded being a Bureau Chief or an EADA, either. I would prefer much more than that, maybe something international with the United Nations or INTERPOL. That would have been fantastic. Or, there's a new international court that was created about a year ago called the International Criminal Court. It's still fine tuning itself and its jurisdiction isn't accepted internationally yet, but that would be fascinating to work in."

I nodded. "I had heard about that. Created by majority vote within the UN. Doesn't the UN Security Council recommend its cases?"

"In part," she answered. "It's jurisdiction is, by Rome Statute, over crimes committed by a national of the state party in the territory of the state that the state refuses to investigate or prosecute. Internationally limited jurisdiction. I guess it could wield a lot of power, too. I mean, it's got almost no enforcement ability except if the UN agrees, but the implications could be tremendous."

"Yea. Scary amount of power. If used appropriately, though, I can see how it would be an asset. I just worry about anything governed by the United Nations. Nice thought, but in practicum?"

Alex nodded. "Yea." Her eyes grew distant for a moment. "Still, something is better than nothing. And, who knows? The ICC is just a baby right now. Maybe in a few years it'll actually be able to start reforming international policy for the better."

"One can hope." I wrinkled my nose.

"Don't trust the states?"

"Nope. Too many big heads floating around." She laughed. I smiled. "I don't even trust our federal government."

Alex only nodded, lower lip tucked between her teeth like she knew some dirty secret that would appall the rest of the world. Who knew? Maybe she did. I didn't pry. I didn't want to know. Every time I learned something about the woman I loved, I learned that she had more connections both within the State of New York, the United States, and the world than anyone ought to have, either through her family or through her own means. One thing I did understand, if she ever became Alexandra Cabot again, I was well aware that nothing could stop her from getting what and where she wanted. Nothing.


	47. Chapter 47

**-A/N: Chapter for you. Bedtime for me. :) Thanks for your excited reviews. I'm going to have so much fun with their vacation. And, yes, Alex does have something planned for Casey besides just the naturally romantic view of West Coast Ireland. No, she's not proposing. Ya'll are such fangirls. :) I love it. **

Nervous, I stood in the doorway of my boss' office, waiting for him to hang up the phone. In my defense, I Had tried to turn and leave, but he had held up his hand with that 'come here' gesture all of us peons are all too familiar with – which coincidentally also let me know the conversation on the phone was in reference to me – and a look as though promising his call was nearly complete.

"Casey, I just got off the phone with U.S Attorney Monica Letty. I assume the next words out of your mouth are going to be asking for some time off?"

I shook my head, surprised. Monica Letty was the woman prosecuting David Williams for my kidnapping and attempted murder. Were NCIS and the Department of Defense also not sniffing on the case, and were Cabot not involved, chances were, the federal government would not have even batted an eye. New Mexico would be the only state prosecuting my attempted murder, but larger factors than I were involved, and the feds had become instantly interested. I didn't hold it against them. It was a nice relief. Still, at times, it became frustrating.

"No sir," I managed. "Actually, I already put in for time off through the automated intranet system. Angela already approved it." Alex had been right. Even so close to the holiday, my holiday vacation had been approved. That surprised me since I had expected to be told I had asked far too late. Then again, when I had told Angela I was going to Ireland, she asked me to bring back pictures and show her. I think she was more excited about my trip than I was.

"Starting tomorrow?" Branch asked.

"No," I said slowly, shaking my head again. "Not until next Monday. What did Letty say?"

"The U.S Marshal Service is flying you down to Denver tomorrow for a hearing on Thursday that you're supposed to testify in."

Oh. That would explain why a private number had been calling me almost non-stop for over an hour. I made a mental note to remember to answer it when I was done. I had long since turned my cell phone ringer off and hidden the beast in a drawer in my office, but now that I knew what was going on, I wouldn't feel so bad answering it. I had become suspicious of private numbers since David.

My face must have looked shocked because Branch added, "I'm guessing this is the first you've heard of this?"

"Yea. Maybe. I might have a – that's not why I'm here."

Arthur Branch gestured to the seat opposite him at his desk. I sat down slowly, my hips stiff and sore. Apparently, this whole ordeal would actually be more comfortable if the cantaloupe inside me would roll out in front of me. As it was, the baby was messing with joints and organs that normally weren't impacted nearly so much. "I'm pregnant," I said without any preamble. I didn't know how I would handle preamble. And, if Branch didn't know where babies came from, I wasn't going to be the one to explain it to him.

"Congratulations, Casey," he said, the surprise showing on his face. Normally, he was so carefully constructed that surprise didn't show. Or, if it did, it was planned. My announcement must not have even ever crossed his mind on that list of things Casey Novak might say because the surprise there was genuine. "How far along are you?"

I shifted, chewing on my lip. "Roughly six months," I said. His eyes widened just before his mask set in. If nothing, he was a good politician, masks and all. My hand covered my stomach. "I'm due April first."

"That's coming up fast," he said, and I knew he was looking for words. "I'll look for an ADA to take your cases while you're on maternity leave. Did you have anyone in particular in mind?"

"ADA Brigette Shone would be my top pick for a temporary stand in," I said, happy to get down to business. "She's a fast learner, and I don't think the cases will break her. Or Mike Carlette. He has experience in Crimes Against Children in Jersey. It would be easy for him to adapt to SVU."

"I'll look into them."

"Thank you, sir," I said, a great deal of weight relieved from me, though a great deal more remained.

"Casey?" he asked rather suddenly as I stood up to leave. "Does this have anything to do with the federal case?" I shook my head. Technically, no, it didn't. I knew that wasn't precisely what he was asking, but I could feign innocence. "Then, I have a question you don't have to answer."

Swallowing, I nodded, sitting back down into the chair. "Why did you wait six months to tell me?"

I stared hard at his desk, my hands still in my lap. "It's been real touch and go, and I didn't know if I would have her at the end of it all," I said by means of encompassing everything from nearly losing her to considering adoption. "Now that I know I will, I need to make arrangements so the appropriate attorney is handling the cases while I'm gone."

Arthur nodded. "I see. Do you want to transfer out of sex crimes?"

My gaze snapped to his. Less his words, more his tone made my heart thump wildly in my chest. The look on his face was cool and collect, but his eyes told me the whole story. He thought he knew. "No," I said. "Having a baby won't change my ability to prosecute rapists."

He nodded. "Not even child abusers?"

I shook my head. "No. My judgment will not become clouded because I'm a mother."

"Your judgment should become clouded, Casey, or you're not being a mother. But, as long as you can handle it, you're the best prosecutor I've got for the job. Let me know if you need anything."

I nodded. "I will. Thank you." Standing, I all but flew from his office. I did not want to tell my boss I was raped. He already knew about the physical abuse courtesy of David shooting me, though he admittedly knew nothing more than that I had been shot. If he had grown suspicious, it made me wonder what Cragen would think or say. Of everyone I worked with, only Olivia and Fin knew I had been raped, and neither knew I had been gang raped. I think Olivia suspected David had something to do with it, but she didn't know how much or what kind of a role he played or that there were other players. Maybe suspected it, but I hadn't really talked about my rape with her. Or, rapes, rather. Only Olivia knew with absolute certainty I had been impregnated by rape. Fin probably assumed, but I had never straight confirmed them. Just as twenty four hours before, I had confirmed Elliot's suspicion I was pregnant., I would soon be explaining to the squad that not only was I pregnant, I was pregnant by rape, and I knew only the David had arranged it. I would not tell them Jensen was among those who had assaulted me. I would be pulled from his case immediately, and there was no way he was going to walk because some other ADA was careless or uncomfortable prosecuting rape.

I had decided to tell the squad that much because it was only fair to them. That, and I knew they would ask. If the four who did not know I had been raped didn't already think I had been, I would be surprised. But, at the very least, if things got out of hand, I could trust them to give me a reality check and pull me out of the situation. My mouth walked me right into a lot of trouble, and my anger at my own assault had already bristled through badly enough on several cases that I had already been kicked under the table or straight had to leave the room.

I stopped by my office only briefly enough to grab my cellphone and brief case. The private number was in the middle of calling, so I answered. "Novak," I said, even though it was my personal cell. Private numbers just tended to unnerve me.

"Casey, it's Monica Letty. How are you?"

"I'm okay. My boss said I have off starting tomorrow courtesy of a phone call from you."

"Yea. The judge set an emergency hearing this morning for Thursday, and I need you and Alex to testify, so we're flying you both into Denver tomorrow morning to go over prep."

"What's the hearing over?" I asked. It was exceedingly rare that a judge on any level allowed for such a fast turn around that subpoenas were impossible to issue. It made my stomach flip flop. I didn't like the sound of it, and I worried that nothing good would come of Thursday.

"The Department of Defense is requesting to hold David in a private psychiatric facility until trial," Monica explained. 'Apparently, his rapid detox from the narcotic given to him has had some adverse effects on his brain chemistry. At least, that's what they're alleging. They want permission to re-administer the drug and bring him off of it slowly."

"Why don't you want to let them handle him?" I asked, wondering if she would say it.

"The moment they put him in a psychiatric ward for this, Casey, they'll try for an insanity pleaIf he's given that, DoD can medicate him almost without restriction and he could be out in three months, trying for you again."

I chewed my lip. "What am I going to testify to in the hearing?"

"All I need for the judge to rule in favor of me in this is probable cause evidence. We'll go over in detail when you get here, but anything that covers the physical abuse and the level of physical harm he was capable of. I'm trying to show that putting him back on his medication he was on is and will be more detrimental than putting him on an anti-depressant or mild anti-psychotic."

"What has he done in custody?" I asked, unsure I wanted to know.

"I'll explain that to you when you get here. And, Casey, it snowed today. Pack accordingly."

"Okay. Are we free to go after the hearing?"

Monica laughed. "Alex told me about your vacation. Don't worry. You'll be back in New York in time to catch your flight Friday evening."

"Alright. Thanks, Monica."

"Sure. You're doing alright otherwise?"

"Yea."

"How's Baby?"

"She's good. Turns out, by the way, that I can't seem to give her up."

"Okay. I'm not surprised, you seemed very attached. We'll arrange for child care at the courthouse while you testify during the trial, no big deal. The judge already okayed not disclosing the baby to either David or his defense attorney."

"Great. I really do appreciate it, Monica. I do."

"Not a problem. Call if you need anything. Otherwise, I'll see you and Alex tomorrow."

"Yea. Thanks. Bye." I hung up, a knot twisting in my stomach.

Dialing Jim Davies' number, I bounced anxiously in my chair. "Agent Davies," he answered.

"Hey. It's Casey. Can you dial me out to Alex? Fuck, Jim, can I just have her phone number? It's an emergency."

"Are you okay?"

"Physically, yes. But, I need her."

To my surprise, he gave me a local number and then connected me. "Hello?" Alex said after the third ring.

"Al? It's me. Did you get a call from Monica?"

"Yea. We're scheduled to fly out from LaGuardia at ten tomorrow morning. A couple of Marshals are meeting us at the airport to escort. I've already got your green bag mostly packed. Do you want to wear something specific to testify in?" I stopped jittering. She packed for me? God, she packed, cooked, gave me massages – I couldn't figure out why she had been single when we had met. I wasn't complaining, mind. Actually, I was quite grateful.

"I trust your judgment," I said. "Did you really pack for me?"

"Yea. Why? Should I not have? I just thought it would save us time later."

"No, that's perfect. You're perfect. Can I spread the rumor that you would make the perfect house wife?"

"Ew," Alex said, disgust evident in her voice. "I love you, Casey, but I'm not really a house wife. Practicality does not make me a house anything."

"You forgot generosity," I teased.

"Still doesn't make me a house anything," she chided. "How are you holding up?"

"I don't know, Alex. I'm freaked out right now. Last time I saw him, he was shooting me."

"Yea, I know. You'll do great, Casey, and I'll be there, too. It sounds like Monica will want me to testify, so I can't be with you in the courtroom with you, but otherwise you know I've got your back in this, okay?"

"Yea, I know. And, I appreciate it."

"I know. Did you talk to Branch yet?"

"Yea. He asked if I needed to transfer from SVU."

"I didn't think you were going to tell him about the rape?" I heard a clatter over the phone. "Oops. Shit. Sorry, Casey. Nothing's broken, though."

"I didn't," I said, ignoring the drop for the time being. "He made the leap himself. I was pretty fucked up for a while, Alex. I don't think he had to strain to make the jump. If I'm only now realizing just how messed up I was, I can only imagine how bad it really was. I didn't cover the bruises as well as I though I did over in white collar." I paused, not quite long enough for her to answer, but long enough to change gears in my head. "What did you drop?"

"About half a dozen bottles of shampoo, soap, and conditioner. They just took out your other stuff on their way down."

"Oh. Okay. What about you? Are you holding up okay, Alex? I mean-"

"Yea," she said. "We'll see, Casey. Not a day goes by where I don't wish I had unloaded that clip into him when I had gotten the chance. I'm angry at him for what he did to you. My home was supposed to be a safe haven for you, and it became anything but because of him, and I'm so sorry."

"It's not the home I'm in that makes me feel safe, Alex. It's your arms. It's you. Please don't think I'll ever feel any differently." I glanced at my wall clock. "Alex, I gotta go. I made arrangements to go to the precinct and pow wow with the detectives."

"Alright. I love you, Casey. See you when you get home."

"Love you, too." I hung up and grabbed my briefcase, pocketing my cellphone.

A twenty minute walk filled with me procrastinating as much as humanly possible found me standing in Cragen's office, the four detectives and the squad's paternal figure with me. Olivia stood beside me in silent support as I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves. "I'll be gone until the new year," I said, starting with the more mundane. I needed a moment to work myself up to the courage it would take to really talk to them. "Anything you need, ADA Rick Lambert will take care of for you. I'll be out of state, but if you absolutely need my opinion, email will be the best way to get a hold of me. Rick is a good lawyer, though. He'll get you what you need."

"Where are you going?" Munch asked.

I smiled. "Nosey. Wouldn't you like to know." It was a statement, not even a rhetorical question. Munch gave me a look. It didn't particularly say anything, but it was just that look. I had expected him to have a smart ass remark for me, but whatever it might have been, he held it back. Perhaps Olivia had warned them that I needed to have a serious conversation with them. They were all, after all, being quite patient.

"I'll also be leaving sometime late March and returning around mid-May. I don't have exact dates yet. I imagine we'll all find out at the same time."

Stopping myself, I took a deep breath, pressing my hands to my stomach. _I can do this,_ I chanted mentally, closing my eyes. It was one thing to decide to keep her, to decide to name her, another thing entirely to decide to tell the rest of my world about her. She had just kind of come out at my parents house. Yes, I had meant to tell them, but not like I had. It was in part because of that experience that I hesitated. Olivia and Fin had already accepted it, with Olivia knowing I was keeping the baby. Elliot was okay with her, but he had only learned the day prior. Was that enough time for him to decide to turn away? I didn't know him well enough to know that.

The loudest question racing through my mind was not in regards to the baby, but in regards to me. They were all perfectly reasonable detectives with a variety of experience in child abuse. Would I, then, be a fit mother in their eyes? Or would they see the moment's hesitation that I was anxious for when I pulled her to my breast? Would they fear for her safety when I panicked because I would think of only his lips across my nipples, her father's lips, when she suckled? Would they see a mother unwilling to care for her child because she was too emotionally challenged? Worse, would I be that mother? I nearly collapsed right there. I nearly couldn't handle it. My brain told me not to be silly. My logical ability to reason told me if I needed to, I could call on any of them for help. My parents had rejected me, and though my brothers had not outright said anything, only my brother Robert had tried to contact me. Him and Jen. Emotionally, though, I was not yet in a place to return their calls.

Olivia's hand on my shoulder brought me out of my own head and back to reality. I was trembling and crying, and Elliot was holding out a box of tissues. "It's okay," Olivia said as I took the tissues and held tightly to the box.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, as though not seeing them would make it easier. It didn't, but I swallowed the pill anyway. "I'm pregnant," I said, my voice just above a whisper, too terrified to open my eyes. I felt someone take the tissues from me as the box folded and crumbled in my grip. Arms around me pulled me against their chest, and I knew from the feel that it was Olivia who held me as I cried. I melted down in front of the squad, afraid of rejection – so afraid that I couldn't stop crying.

A hand touched my back, another took mine from Olivia's shirt, prying my fingers from her. I was coiled, suddenly, against the captain, almost without realizing it, my body shuddering entirely involuntarily.

"Casey, it's okay," Don said. "You're okay. You're in a safe place." I held on to him, almost in relief that he didn't push me away. "Did someone hurt you, Casey?"

I nodded. "I was gang raped," I said, my voice muffled into his jacket. I felt more than heard or saw the stillness settle around me.

"When?" Cragen asked as my fists closed tighter over the large buttons on his jacket, the pain pushing into my hands, allowing me to steady myself. To an extent, self punishment worked.

"July, about six weeks before I was transferred here." Pushing the tears from my face as I let go of the jacket, I stared down at my hands, leaning back against the cabinet. "I never called the police. I was too scared, too sick. I just crawled in the shower when they were done. I tried not to think about it. But, then." I gestured to my stomach by way of explanation.

"I'm sorry," I added. "I feel like I betrayed you all by not saying something."

Munch shook his head. "Casey, we all have our secrets, shit we hide. You didn't betray anyone by not telling us. You proved your strength, instead, by telling us now."

I dug my nails into my arms. "I'm keeping her," I said. "I tried adoption, but I can't. So, I'm keeping her."

Fin nodded. "What's her name?" he asked.

I smiled. I loved my daughter's name. I pressed my hands to my stomach, my fingers and thumbs pressed together to make a small diamond. "Temperance Lexine," I said.

Olivia's face snapped to mine, and I met her eyes with my own careful gaze. I could still recall the days not too long ago, though it seemed like ages, when she had allowed me to stay at her apartment, the way she had watched me unpack Alex's clothes. Alex had told me once that Olivia had been the one to pack all of Alex's things and send them to her. There was no doubt in my mind that Olivia believed I knew Alexandra Cabot was alive. Olivia was anything but stupid. Still, she didn't say anything. Saying something put her in a precarious situation. If I didn't know, the cat would be out of the bag. And, she didn't know if she could or should risk that. So long as she never asked, fortunately, I would never have to deny it. I felt bad, but Alex's standing wishes were that Olivia not be told.

"Can she hear what we say, yet?" Fin asked as he reached out for one of the chairs by the captain's desk. I nodded. He pulled the chair over to me and sat down, backwards, in the chair, putting him about even with my abdomen.

"Hi, Temperance," he said. I froze, knuckles white on the cabinet I was leaning against. The other detectives looked at me as though for permission before crowding closer as I nodded despite my wild eyed apprehension. "I know you're not officially here yet, but I wanted to introduce you to the family. I'm Uncle Fin. You come to me anytime someone messes with you, ya hear? The strange guy behind me is Uncle Munch. Or Uncle John."

"Hi, Temperance," Much said, waving even.

"Don't drink the coffee he makes no matter what, okay? Just trust me on that one," Fin continued as I felt the tears begin to wash silently down my face. "The other guy is Uncle Elliot. You need a hug, girl, he's the guy to go to. He's got a few kids of his own, too, so he knows all about growing up."

"Hey, Princess," Elliot said. "Welcome to the family. We'll make you an honorary detective when you're out here, okay?"

I was biting my lip so hard at that point, I simply couldn't talk. "The lady cop to my left is Aunt Olivia. She's a good woman. If your Momma ever says 'no,' just go see Auntie Liv, okay?"

"Don't tell her that," Olivia exclaimed. "Casey, I swear, your word is law." She was grinning though. I knew better.

"I'll believe it when I see it," I whispered. She reached out and gave my hand a squeeze, trying to pry it from the cabinet. I shook my head, so she just left her fingers over the tops of mine. I was having trouble staying even remotely composed.

"Hey, Baby Novak. I'm glad you're here. We all are," Olivia said, still holding my hand. "Uncle Fin forgot to mention one of the most important people in the SVU family. The grumpy looking old guy by the desk who thinks talking to a baby in the womb is too juvenile is Grandpa Don. We just call him Cragen. Or Cap."

"Really, Liv?" Don sighed. "Grandpa?"

Olivia shrugged. "Well, you're like our dad, so if we're the aunt and uncles, you've gotta be Grandpa."

Cragen looked at me. My knuckles were still white, and I was worrying my lip between my teeth to almost no end. "Are you okay with all of this, Casey?"

I nodded, releasing the counter and catching Olivia's hand. "My family was less than thrilled about my decision, so I'm glad Temperance is welcomed here."

Elliot frowned. 'Of course she's welcome here, Casey. You let us know if we can do anything for you."

"Thank you," I murmured. "What you've all said means so much to me." I smiled faintly, shifting as I covered my stomach with my palms.

"Okay, everyone but Casey out," Cragen said. "You can all oggle at the baby in three months." I smiled, blowing air through my nose in that kind of half laugh. Fin rubbed my stomach and put the chair back by the desk. The other three all petted my abdomen before leaving as well, and I could only think _Dear God, if that becomes a trend, I don't know what I'll do._ But, the reality was, I thought I would enjoy it. Feeling utterly accepted, for better or worse, was fantastic, and I knew Temperance would be raised with the opportunity to grab the world here. It was, in the long run, the best decision.


	48. Chapter 48

Don Cragen gestured for me to take a seat as he leaned up against his desk. I thought it amusing that Olivia had given him the new moniker 'Grandpa' since I was fairly certain that Sergeant Detective John Munch was actually the older of the two. I folded my hands in my lap, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I watched the man I had come to trust in both guidance and judgment over the last few months since being assigned to SVU. He was almost always, and frighteningly so, right on a variety of matters – usually, on how to handle things, even if I didn't like that he was right.

"Do you want to file a police report, Casey?" he asked me, his voice soft and forgiving. I hated to admit it, but that was the tone I had been hoping for from my own father when he found out about the baby. Instead, I had gotten my mother's wrath, and only after she learned of the violence was I forgiven for this child's conception – was the child forgiven for the only sin she ever held of being conceived.

I shook my head. "What little evidence was gone has long since been washed down the drain. I knew one of my attackers, anyway, so even using the baby's DNA as evidence to match with a suspect may match his in which case there are strong grounds for a he-said, she-said consensual argument and might result in him not only being acquitted, but also him being eligible to go after custody or visitation." I shook my head again. "No, I think I'll steer clear of that and do everything in my power to ensure Temperance isn't raised by a sociopath rapist."

Cragen nodded. "Do you feel reasonably safe from all of these men?" he asked with true concern. I was in awe over the care he was showing me. In my heart, I had known that he wouldn't push me away, but to treat me like this, as though I were genuinely kin and worthy of his concern, was more than I expected.

I nodded. "Two of them are in jail, the two whose names I know – one, I knew before the attack; one was revealed to me after. I don't know about the other two except that I was told they had been deployed overseas."

"Service men?" he asked, his face falling. I supposed it was like hearing that a cop was raping women, hearing that a military man was doing the same. It brought bad blood into the name of very honorable men. Really, it was such a disservice to everyone when truly bad people somehow wound up with military uniforms or badges. It didn't happen often, but the child inside me was evidence enough that it did happen.

"Marines," I mumbled, biting my lip so hard I could taste blood. I was going to have to stop doing that before I started needing stitches.

He pressed his lips together, nodding. "Have you told your family about the baby?" We had held the I'm-Catholic-and-my-family-is-huge conversation once before, a few weeks before Thanksgiving.

"They all but threw me out of the house," I said. "My mother called me a whore." I laughed. God, if only they knew, really knew, what had become of me before I met Alex, how I had all but become a prostitute, though the men didn't pay me in cash, they paid me in pain. It lined up so perfectly with the whole Catholic guilt thing that it was just amusing. Cragen gave me a strange look. "I'm sorry. After I was raped, well, it turns out that there's really no way to take back the control lost. I just wound up losing more and more control."

The look on his face was knowing and understanding. How many times had he heard this from a victim? He had been an SVU detective once before, before making captain. At least I didn't feel like a leper. He offered a sad smile that told me he had lost more than he let on. It was the same smile Jim Davies gave me when I talked about missing Alex, almost as if part of his heart had been torn out, and he was trying to not let the world see.

"She's got family here, Casey. So do you. If you change your mind, too, and want to file a report, let us know. Even without evidence, it might help you heal." He paused. "The man you knew before the assault, is that your ex?" I nodded. "Do you think he'll try to establish consensual paternity even without a rape charge?"

My eyes went wide. I hadn't thought of that, but David was just vindictive enough to do it. And, possibly vindictive enough to ask Jensen to file for it as well. Even if neither were the father, it would make my life miserable and make me look like a whore in front of district court judges. "Oh, God," I muttered, my hands over my abdomen. I thought I was going to be sick. "I forgot about that."

"Does he know about Temperance?" he asked as I leaned forward, tucking one leg against my chest in an effort not to throw up in the captain's office. He reached out a hand to steady me as I nearly tumbled out of the chair. I just tried to curl myself tighter into me, as though by being small and insignificant, the problem would just go away. "Casey?"

I shook my head. "I told him that I had a miscarriage which isn't wholly untrue. Temperance was originally a twin." It was a sheer miracle that I wasn't showing now that I was in my third trimester, so Jensen couldn't suspect anything, either. Even if he could, he had no means of contacting David to let him know, though that technically wouldn't stop Jensen from trying his own suit. "As far as I know, he blames me for losing the baby."

Don nodded. "Okay, Casey. He may never try anything. I didn't mean to scare you; I just don't want to see you go through more Hell or her court ordered into the hands of your rapist.

I chewed my cheek, very nearly tearing the flesh with my teeth as I mentally wound through several civil statutes I still knew regarding the establishment of paternity. Heaven help me is either man ever got a court order for paternity. I didn't know if I could fight it, even with a reported rape on the book. It would be their past history, their criminal history, that I would have to use to argue the order nullified, not my sexual history. Neither one would likely ever be convicted of my rape, though, the rape resulting in Temperance's conception.

If not either of them, I wondered about the other two. But, Jensen had said they were in it for the fantasy. They had been told I was a sexual submissive with a rape fantasy. They had tied me up through my tears and pleas, believing it to be all part of some great game. That their fantasies involved raping women made me incredibly uncomfortably, but I didn't know how close they were to David shy of wearing a very similar uniform. For all knew, I had been calling them his friends, but he could have never met them before the night they came for me.

I tried to remember if either had been called a name, but I couldn't. The memory of that afternoon, however, came cascading down from where I had stored it, engulfing me and swallowing me whole. Every pore of my body had felt violated as their hands tore at my naked body, their fingers violently shoving into my mouth, my vagina, my anus. And, sitting there, caught in the memory, I gagged, coiling myself tighter. Ever tighter. It wasn't their fingers which disturbed me the most. It was what had followed, though that they had all ejaculated into my vagina was what made me so uncertain of paternity.

I went very still, huddled over in the chair. Cragen neither moved towards me, to touch me, nor pulled away from as I relived in a very short span what felt like every humiliating, painful second of my forced submission. I had even tried to tell them 'no,' but, for them, that was all part of the fantasy. The sound of David's cold voice after haunted me, even half a year later, telling me I was, essentially, good for nothing but a fuck. Now, with what I knew about sex crimes, I wondered at his motive. Had he simply gotten tired of beating me until I consented or passed out and wanted to try something new? Or, had his aim been darker, something harder to imagine?

What would have happened to me if I hadn't gone into sex crimes? My theory was that he had shot me because he was so paranoid I would tell the detectives what he did to me. So, what if there had been no detectives to tell, and I had still been in white collar? If I were still alive at this point, I knew I'd be with him. Even in the end, it had not been I who had contacted the police. It had taken Alex Cabot for me to get out of there. Would he, then, still pass me around under the rouse of a rape fantasy? Or, would he have finally broken me, and I would have taken men for his pleasure in the same way I had taken men for several weeks upon my return from New Mexico? Would I be an active participant in my own rape, screaming 'no' in the back of my mind but too terrified to vocalize it?

"Casey," Cragen's voice slid like a warm sun over the dark clouds in my mind, gently forcing the darkness back as he repeated my name several times. "Casey, look at me, please. I need to know you're still here."

I glanced up slowly, not moving anything more than my head and neck. My body still felt frozen. Even looking up at him was a difficult task. "Good," he said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

For a moment, I felt like a fish as I opened and closed my mouth repeatedly. "My ex, David," I finally managed, my voice tight around my words, making them difficult to say. "He arranged for three of the other Marines he knew to partake in a rape fantasy with me as the rape victim. He put a gun to my head and then told me I was going to fuck them or he was going to shoot me. They thought he was playing. I didn't. He'd threatened to shoot me multiple times before or hit me with a gun. Turns out at least one of them knew I wasn't really consenting. I found that out maybe a month ago. I kept begging them to please just let me go. They didn't. When they were done, I could barely get to the shower, I was so hurt and humiliated. Other than the gun, David hadn't done anything to me until after I washed them off me. Then, he got in the shower with me." I looked away, shaking in anger that I could still be reduced to this kind of a mess, shaking in humiliation that I had told the captain, and shaking in fear of what would happen to me if and when David was released.

"Casey," Don said, my name slow from his lips. I couldn't quite look at him, so I focused on the desk beside his leg. "Are you prosecuting one of your assailants for someone else's rape?" I flinched but otherwise didn't respond. SVU didn't retain a bunch of morons. He licked his lips, nodding. "Okay. You'll let me know if you start feeling out of control on that case, Casey?"

Slowly, I brought my eyes up to meet his. I nodded. "Please don't tell Branch I was raped." My voice sounded small, even to me.

"That's not my secret to tell, Casey." I nodded my gratitude. "You're doing okay on all of your other cases, though, right?"

"Yea. At least, I think so. I mean, Olivia and Fin have been really great at helping me adjust."

"They knew?"

"Bits and pieces. Not everything I told you. That I was raped, and that I'm pregnant." He nodded. "They really are amazing, though, Don. Every last one of you here is. Thank you."

"You have nothing to thank us for. It's nothing that we don't do for family, Casey."

I shook my head. "Then, at least, I have that much to thank you for, for making me a part of the family."

"You did that yourself," the captain told me. "Tell me, if your position were traded with Olivia, would you do for her what she has done for you?"

"In a heart beat," I answered.

"Then, don't say thank you."

I flushed, my finger nails suddenly very interesting. "I mean it, Casey."

"So do I," I said. "Fuck, Don, I'm Catholic. Let me feel guilty about something. Between all of you, I'm being absolved over so many sins."

A smile graced his lip. "Like what?"

"The abuse, the rape, the out of wedlock pregnancy, the decision to keep her-" I almost said the homosexuality, but I caught myself. The squad had not absolved me of that sin just yet, though I guessed that it would arrive very shortly depending on how things shaped themselves. "None of it's my fault, though the latter is my choice."

"That's a lot of it, Casey. Choice makes it your fault. You didn't chose to be abused. He sought you out for one reason or another specifically to abuse you. The same goes for the rape. Pregnancy is always a very real possibility after intercourse without protection. Ejaculate from rape is no less likely to cause pregnancy than from a consenting relationship. The decision to keep her has been your choice, Casey, but it is not a fault. You'll be a great mom. Have faith in yourself."

I hugged myself, shivering. "Thanks, Don. I should probably head out. I've got to meet Donnelly in chambers for an _ex parte _meeting by two."

"See you in a few weeks, then, Novak. Try to relax a little while you're out of the office."

I nodded, standing. I reached out to shake his hand, and he clasped mine with so much warmth that I almost couldn't bear it. I had been a lot more broken than I thought, and though I had come so far, I still had a very long way to go.

On my way out of the precinct, I heard my name called. Turning, I found Olivia staring at me, hands in the back pockets of her jeans as she shivered slightly in the cold. "Casey," she said again as she caught up to me. I just stood there, halfway up the steps and halfway down them, briefcase clutched in my hand as I blinked up at her. The detective met my gaze. Like so many of the women in my life right now, we stood eye to eye, and the heat in her gaze was hard to pull away from. "You'll take care of her, right?"

My hand went to my stomach, even though I was sure she wasn't talking about the baby. "She's in good hands, Olivia," I said. If either of us needed to, we could say this was about the baby. But, the look in her eyes as she met mine again said it was anything but. We had a moment of intensely clear, deep understanding. I broke the gaze first with my slow blink.

"She's family, too," Olivia said.

"I know."

With that, I turned and walked down the stairs. Later, if I needed to, I could play pretend. We both could. We both would. Nothing in that conversation had been specific. No one knew. But, we knew. We knew in that moment of absolute clarity between us.

I was in Donnelly's chambers a little over two hours later. I had lied to Don. I didn't have a meeting scheduled with her, but as she looked up at me from her writing desk, she immediately gestured for me to sit down. I did, my hands shaking as I did so. "What's wrong, Casey?"

I just stared at her, my eyes massive. Donnelly and I weren't exactly buddies, but I didn't know who else I could ask who would be more discrete. My world swam, and I swore I was going to pass out. "Casey, spit it out."

I clutched the chair in front of me. "I've been digging, and I can't find much. I was hoping maybe you might know – I'm looking for a legal reason to ask a judge to dismiss an order to establish paternity." I hadn't found one in my search, and I would be lying if I wasn't freaked out. I hadn't seen David in over three months. I had no idea what he would do at this hearing. Or, what he would try for on the off chance he found out about Temperance.

"I'm assuming that since you're asking, it's a sex assault case?" She pushed her glasses off her face and rubbed her eyes. I nodded. "Conviction?"

"No," I said.

"The police report might be enough. How certain is she that the child was conceived of rape?"

I switched hands holding my briefcase, relaxing somewhat. "She states she was raped after several months of celibacy and that she did not have sexual contact with anyone after that until after learning she was pregnant."

"Between the her statement and a police report, you might have enough. Why are you taking on a civil matter?"

I bit my lip. "What if one of those is impossible to obtain?"

"Casey, who are you asking about this for?"

"My neighbor," I lied. "She didn't report the rape when it occurred. Her concern is that if she reports it now, with the paternity order in place, she'll be accused of lying to get out of the order."

"Do you believe she was raped?" I nodded. "It would have helped if she had reported it before the order. A delayed outcry is not uncommon as you're well aware. But, in this situation, I would probably advise she still report it. Did she know the man who raped her?"

"Her boyfriend and one of his friends. She didn't learn the name of the friend until the order for paternity came about."

"Sounds like she's in hot water," Liz said, her face and voice candid.

I nodded. "Tell me about it."

"Does the man have any other convictions? Particularly, violent crime?"

"Yea. He was recently convicted of raping another woman."

"Really? That puts light in her favor a little more. It's still going to be a toss up, but if she's particularly convincing, the order might be overturned. Statute gets a little tricky on that one, Casey. No judge wants to put a child in the care of a convicted rapist. If she's consistent with her rape scenario, though, the paternity establishment might go to help convict him, especially if she can show that she didn't know the man prior to the assault."

"How would she prove that?" I asked, stunned.

The judge shook her head. "She probably wouldn't. It would be more of a plea of understanding."

"And, if the test doesn't establish him as the father?" I bit my lip.

"Making the baby the boyfriend's?" I nodded. "Then, she's back in hot water. Casey?"

"Hm?"

"Don't you have an ME you can take this to?"

I chewed my lip, not really believing what the judge was telling me to do. Technically, the results wouldn't be able to be used in court because they would never have existed if Warner were up to the challenge. But, that would also be an illegal use of the CODIS data base and result in potential felony charges for the medical doctor. "I'll ask her how it all works on the DNA side," I said, turning to the door.

"Okay. And, Casey?" I stopped and turned around. "If you're genuinely concerned about this happening, I suggest you file a police report right now. But, do you really think he's going to be so vindictive?"

I pressed my lips together and looked at her, my eyes a silent plea for silence. She nodded her assent, and I left, no less conflicted than when I had entered her chambers.


	49. Chapter 49

I stared at Alex. She looked white as a sheet. "You really think he'd do that?" she asked me, voice breathy.

"There's a reason Monica fought so hard to keep this-" I made a generic circular gesture around my stomach, my hands shaking almost uncontrollably. "-Out of the case. Alex, nothing in the New York Penal Code or the Civil Code says a man either accused or convicted of rape cannot appeal for custody or visitation of a child conceived of that same rape. If he does it, if he pulls that stunt, I know judges who would grant him something – either of them – if the paternity test indicated he was the father. I do not, do not, do not, do not want David or Tommy to ever lay a finger on our daughter."

I was damn near beside myself as I collapsed onto the floor of the baby's room. Packing my bag aside, Alex had spent the day packing and moving my office into the living room, rearranging the living room so that everything fit together nicely. She had even taped the walls in Temperance's room and had been in the middle of painting the walls with the muted celery green paint I had indulged in purchasing for precisely that. I sobbed on the carpet, barely noticing or acknowledging her fabulous effort. Donnelly had been right. I was in hot water if he decided to be a vindictive bastard and petition for paternity. Hell, he could ask to call my daughter from jail, and I wasn't even thinking about David. David, I thought I could circumvent as long as the protective order was in place for the kidnapping and attempted murder. When he had laid in wait for me in the apartment, before striking me unconscious, before kidnapping me, he had believed me to be pregnant and committed those acts with depraved indifference. Yes, I believed I could circumvent him at least until he was out of prison simply by adding Tem to the protective order. That he would display so much violence towards the child while in utero tended to indicate too violent a general nature for healthy prolonged exposure to the same child. Not always, but the fact that he had shot me as well would probably swag most judges to rule in my favor.

No, my worry had grafted to Tommy. He would be out in eight to twelve for the rape I was prosecuting him for following conviction, minus time served. In eight to twelve years, my daughter would still be a child, a child much too young to be explained her origins. But, even before that, Tommy could ask for telephonic communication with her if he was the father, and without a judge to allow that restraining order, I was doomed to allow it. Even with a conviction and a restraining order protecting me, there was no guarantee that a judge would allow for it to cover Tem. A rapist could still be a good father. I didn't believe it, but I could see why someone might.

I tucked my cheek against my knees, my hands clawing at my scalp. "I won't, Alex. I won't. I won't. I won't. I'll go to jail before he can talk to her, Alex."

The blond, green paint on her hands and smeared across her left cheek into her hair, wrapped herself around me. I had already explained the conversation I had with both Cragen and Donnelly and the advice I had received to her. Alex was able to logically point out the benefits and draw backs to each segment which included whether or not I would raise suspicions with either of them if I filed so late in the game. Then again, if I filed, I would simply say David and three other men whom I did not know. "Reporting the assault may not stop them, Casey, if they want to continue to hurt you. It sounds like Tommy wants to hurt not only you, but the woman he raped that he's on trial for – the way he's going through this trial is unusual, even for defense counsel. There's no doubt in my mind he's a sadist. And, we know David wants to hurt you. But, you also don't have to report the baby in the case, honey. Just what happened that night. It may not deny either of them the ability to petition, but a sensible judge may hear the case and see that such a level of depravity and violence would not bode well in the life of a child."

She stroked my hair out several times before adding, "I want you to talk to my Uncle Bill in January when we get back from Ireland. Tell him the situation, minus me, and let him know that we were lovers before I died – he was super supportive of me, Casey, and I know he'll be grateful if you stopped by anyway. Plus, he'll do what he can to help you, Casey, if it comes down to it."

She wedged my chin up so I looked at her. Blinking rapidly to combat the threat of tears, I stared at her, trying to focus on being pissed that I was so easily brought to tears over this matter rather than the actual matter itself. "Casey, I know it's scary to think about this, but is there a reason this came up? Or, are you just being paranoid?"

Shaking my head, I stood up and walked out of the baby's room to the kitchen table where my briefcase sat alone, and I tugged out a pice of printer paper with handwritten, blocky letters across it. I had stapled the note to the envelope it had come in, a letter free of my name, only addressed to the District Attorney's Office with my specific office number printed neatly where the name should have gone. "There's no name," I told her. "The deputies wouldn't have known my office number to circumvent it. Even so, I never asked them to not forward me mail he wrote to me. It's just that this is the first piece I've gotten." I handed the note over.

_You will pay for what you did. His blood is on your hands, and there is such a possibility that he would have been my son that I will find you, and I will destroy everything you love._

"Casey," Alex breathed. "He threatened you. You need to report this."

I scoffed. "And how will I explain what the note is about? There's no express threat in there, but if Tommy's anything like David, and I imagine he is, it's threat enough for him to follow through on." I took the note back and placed it back in my attaché, my nails digging into my palms as my hands automatically closed into tight fists. In that moment, I lost every ounce of control I had been fighting so hard to keep. Screaming in frustration, I hit the wall with my open palm. I screamed as I hit the wall over and over, my flat palms turning into the sides of my fists until Alex was pulling at my hands. "No," I screamed. "No. He can't have her. He can't touch her. She is mine, Alex. Mine."

The blond had put herself between me and the wall, and I turned on myself, my nails raking over my neck and arms. Alex moved, but I had already lost control. Screaming wordlessly, I tore at my body and clothes. Words were entirely beyond me, and I had no idea where Alex had gone. The next thing I could comprehend was something soft against my skin, my arms pinned against my by both the blanket around me and the arms covering it. Standing in the middle of the room, I quivered and sobbed. "Please don't hurt me."

"No one's gonna hurt you, Case. Least of all me." Alex's voice was soft in my ear. "If I let you go, are you going to be okay?" I nodded. "You promise?"

"I promise. I'm sorry." I was thoroughly embarrassed. It didn't matter that Alex had never once judged me. I should not have lost control. I spent my entire life relying on being in control. Control was everything, and I had lost most of it over the past few years. In fact, my life had been on a downhill spiral since law school. This life that Alex was giving me was so entirely brand new, and old habits died hard. The blanket fell from my body, replaced by Alex's warm skin against mine. I held on to her arms, whimpering softly at the back of my throat.

"It's okay, Casey. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you ro her. I told you I would fight for you tooth and nail, and when I said that, I meant it. That promise never goes away and extends to any and all of your children and mine." She kissed my cheek softly, and I leaned back into her. "We will find a way around it, ma petite; even if it means that we must wait for them to make the first move."

I nodded my assent. "Okay," I whispered. "Okay."

"Good girl," Alex mumbled against my neck. "I promise, Casey, evil does not go unanswered. We can't get them in the courtroom every single time, but they will be punished elsewhere. Maybe not immediately, but I promise, I promise, they get their own somewhere."

Twisting in her arms, I looked my arms around her neck and laced my fingers, my thumbs tracing her spine. "What am I doing?" I asked. "This is so far from who I am. What the fuck is happening to me, Alex?"

Her arms slid low to my back, and she just held me against her much like I had held her the day prior. "You've been through a lot in the past six months, Casey, and that doesn't even address the past few years. You created a shell to survive, honey, and, to be honest, I think that shield is breaking. Your pouring through the cracks like a newborn calf. Case, it takes a while to learn to walk. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's finally safe for you to explore yourself and grow into you, not morph from one shape to the next as you go from place to place, quiet and hiding and afraid. You're loud, emotional, and expressive. And, that's great. I love that about you. But, when have you ever honestly been allowed to be that?"

I pressed my lips together tightly. I didn't know. I felt like Pinocchio, fresh from a world suspended by strings, not knowing reality from make believe, the difference between right and wrong. My strings had been trimmed and began to fray when I found out I was pregnant and truly started to pull away from David, afraid, but defiant. Even more, they had bubbled beneath the fabric when I transferred to SVU, suddenly aware that there was more to life that destinations, a little girl in my arms on the pier. Finally, though, that last little thread in my ropes snapped when I met Alex. In fact, I was fairly certain that they severed completely in that brief moment between wakefulness and unconscious delirium as I lay bleeding out on Alexandra Cabot's kitchen floor, the blond the first person to selflessly stand up for me except, maybe, Robert. But even my older brother, I questioned. Fuck, even I was self serving more often than not. And, I wasn't saying that Alex was not self serving. She had earned that reputation rightfully. But, in that one moment, she had shot him. The police were en route. She would have been safer to stay upstairs. The only person that bullet benefited was me; it saved my life. Everything about Alex's life had been disrupted – again. Yet, she had still done it.

"I don't care if you scream, Casey, but I will step in if you hurt yourself, got it?"

I nodded into the crook of her neck. "Yes," I said. "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me, Case. I do it because I genuinely love you and care about you. Now, go take a shower, honey. You managed to get yourself pretty good in a few places." She looked pointedly at the blood on my upper arms. My nails were sharper than I had thought. Or, my anguish had made me just too blind to the sting of broken skin. "I'll be right here when you get back."

"You promise?" I asked, feeling young and foolish. It took a moment for me to remember that, yes, I was young. Senior ADA, Harvard graduate with a Juris Doctorate, and more convictions under my belt than I knew what to do with, and I was only twenty nine. Twenty nine with a very successfully career, a baby on the way, and a whole mess of other problems, problems that other women my age just never had to deal with.

"I promise, Casey."

And, so it was that I came to stand under the hot shower, my hands coiled to my chest as I stared straight ahead at the wall. I concentrated on just feeling the shower, the pellets of water, the kiss of steam, the faux marble beneath my feet. I focused until I felt the tightening sensation low in my pelvic region, like a fist inside me trying to squeeze an orange. It took a few seconds for the discomfort to grow enough to break my focus on the water, and when it did, I gasped.

Instinctively, my hands shot out in front of me, pressing against the wall as I slid to a crouch. The pain died away, and I leaned back against the shower wall. "Tem, you're killing Mommy. I love you, baby, but could you give Mommy some warning before you do that?"

I knew Braxton Hicks contractions weren't her fault, but whomever it was that said they were painless had never had children. It wasn't pain precisely. Being shot was pain. Being beaten was pain. Being raped was pain. This was like a mild discomfort in comparison. Tipping my head back, I rubbed my stomach, front and low, where the discomfort tended to isolate. My OB had given me a list of things to look out for indicating a need to go to the hospital. So far, I was doing okay not going in.

"Uh, uh. Kid, knock it off," I grumbled, closing my eyes as the same tightness coiled through me until I stuck my right leg almost straight out, my left leg curled near my chest. Moving so that the water fell directly over my abdomen, I rubbed my stomach. "Let me get out of the shower, and I'll drink some water."

It wasn't uncommon for me to dehydrate myself, and I was learning that the longer I went between drinking ample amounts of water, the worse the discomfort became. Standing up, I turned off the water and wrapped the towel around me. Still dripping, I trailed water through the bedroom and living room into the kitchen. Alex raised a brow from where she was cutting fruit out onto a small plate – she really was fantastically good at getting food in me, even when I forgot or didn't feel like it. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water, gulping it down. The more that cascaded over my tongue, the more my body suddenly demanded. It was like I couldn't quench my thirst.

After four glasses in less than a minute, though, Alex grabbed my hand, pulling the glass from my fingers. "Casey, what's wrong?" I cringed as another whip of pain gnawed between my hip bones.

"I'm just thirsty, Alex," I mumbled, reaching for the glass. She pulled it back from me. I pouted, the pain traveling down my right leg in a slight throb. I felt suddenly and incredibly dizzy. "Lex."

"No. Drinking like that is more than thirsty. Go sit down. At this point, food will probably do you better. The baby would probably appreciate the calories. Did you even eat after breakfast?"

Frowning, I shook my head. Alex tossed her head in the direction of the living room. I went, managing to fall not just over my own feet but also the coffee table which had been moved earlier that day.

"Casey?" Alex called. I heard the clatter of the knife against the counter not even a second after I crashed onto the floor with a groan.

"I'm okay," I said quickly as I sat up, clutching my towel around me. "I forgot you moved the furniture."

Hands on her hips, she looked down at me, frown playing over her lips. "Maybe," she conceded. "What aren't you telling me, though? And, Casey, please don't lie. I'm not going to be mad or freak out." She looked so sad for a second that I nearly burst into tears. I hated that my actions put that look on her face. I hated that I was so accustomed to covering myself that even when she accepted me, I had to hide. I flinched sometimes when she touched me. God, I loved her, but that feral part of my brain just took over sometimes, and it remembered all too well the abuse. Animals, I thought, must remember abuse more so than love. It must come more naturally to react from abuse, and that made my heart hurt.

I shook my head. "Nothing," I protested, barely able to look indignant at the all too accurate accusation she was making that I was keeping something from her.

"Casey," Alex sighed, crouching down at my side. I drew my legs to me, trying to be inconspicuous about the fifth twitch of semi-pain racing through my lower abdomen and pelvic region/ The sensation eased almost as soon as I moved every time it started. I still wasn't particularly worried. Simply having been a medic, my best guess was that all of this was psychosomatic. I was stressed out and freaking out, so now the baby was, too.

"I'm going to go lay down," I muttered, standing. "Too much is going on right now, Alex. I think the stress is just making me a little dizzy."

Alex bit her lip as though I hadn't quite convinced her that it was all that was going on. "You're the medic," she finally said. "But, Casey, you'll tell me if something's wrong?"

I nodded as I stood up, her hand clasping in mine to pull me standing. My legs felt weak, and I was dizzy, but I managed to walk to the bedroom, towel clutched tight around me in my fist. I had enough sense to pull on a sweatshirt under Alex's watchful eye before crawling between the sheets. Alex leaned over me as I sat propped on my elbows and kissed my forehead. "You have a fever," she mumbled.

I only nodded. I was out before I remembered hitting the pillow, before I remembered her standing and leaning away from me. The sleep was dreamless, but I awoke with a start to Alex over me again, this time, a glass of water in one hand and a true look of concern etched into her face.

"Casey," she murmured as I blinked my eyes open and stared up at her, trembling and covered in sweat. "I called the Ask-a-Nurse hotline. Are you still on blood thinners?" I nodded. She plucked something out of her hand, then offered the contents to me. "Take these. You have a fever."

I picked three reddish, round pills from her hand and popped them into my mouth, not even taking the time to consider what they were. "I told her you were pregnant. She said it was still okay," Alex said by way of explanation. I took the water glass from her, downing it in much the same way I had downed the other glasses, before I had fallen asleep.

Alex disappeared. I wasn't really sure if she said anything, but when she returned, she had a full glass of water. Setting it on the bedside table near me, she sat down beside me. Automatically, I curled against her. "You don't feel well at all, do you, honey?" I shook my head, my hand draping around her hips. "Alright, love. Go back to sleep."

She moved to stand up, but I pulled her tighter to the bed. "Stay," I mumbled. "Need you to stay."

"Okay," she whispered, stroking my hair. As she did that, I felt for the first time that my hair was practically plastered to my head. I was soaked in sweat, shaking, and she still crawled in bed beside me, her arms wrapping tight around my body as she pulled me against her.

The words, at first, were soft, and I could hardly understand them, but as I calmed my breathing and just listened to her whispered song, I could hear the words.

"W_hen you're cold, I'll be there/ Hold you tight to me/ When you're on the outside, baby, and you can't get in/ I will show you, you're so much better than you know__/ __When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again__/ __I will find you, darling and I will bring you home/ And if you want to cry/ I am here to dry your eyes/ __And, in no time, you'll be fine."_


	50. Chapter 50

When I woke the next morning, it was to Alex dressed, her honorary badge hanging around her neck, hair tied back in a pony tail, a black turtle neck and jeans denoting that she was going casual as she leaned over me with a warm, distinctly Cabot smile. "Casey, honey, wake up. Everything's in the car downstairs. Just need you to shower and get dressed. How are you feeling?"

"Better," I mumbled with a groan as I rolled over, my hair and sweatshirt still clinging to me, but my body felt considerably better than it had the night before.

"Good. You scared me last night." Reaching out, she stroked my face. I didn't remember much after she gave me the pills. Everything else seemed to be a combination of nightmares and wakefulness, but I couldn't tell one from the other. "You were burning up, sweetie. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Perhaps," I mumbled. "I think it's just stress."

She kissed me softly. "Alright, Casey. Try not to worry. I know it's not an easy request, but try."

"How do you do it?" I asked, pushing the matted hair from my face. "How are you so calm?"

She pulled my blanket aside and held me against her. "Honey, I'm not calm. I'm scared. I don't want anyone to hurt you in any way, and I don't want them to go after her." I held her, my head resting on her chest as I listened to her heart beating. It was soothing, hearing that which caused her life. My hand crept up her chest, under her shirt, coming to a rest over that beating thing, her skin warm and alive beneath my fingers. Her pulse thrummed steadily against my palm.

"Do we have to go to Colorado?" I asked. Her hands covered mine over the cloth of her turtle neck as she nodded. "Can I formally protest?"

"Sure." She pulled my hand from her shirt and twisted so that she was on the floor, kneeling as she pulled me against her, moving my legs so that she sat between them, her body pressed up against my stomach. The rapid onset tightening and release pains of my muscles from the night before had dissipated with the nightmares and the fever. I'd reached my limit psychologically speaking, and I was just half numb. Holding my hips, she rubbed her thumbs back and forth over the crests of my ilia.

I put my hands on her face and tipped her head up to me so that I could see down into her eyes, and it was like staring into a bottomless pool of color and light even though her eyes were shades of gray. She tipped her lips into my palm, kissing my hand with the same gentleness that she had used to kiss me the night before, as though I were a breaking thing, something that might crumble. And, indeed, she would be right. She spoke into my palm, her mouth free of my flesh just enough that I could hear the poem as she recited it.

"_Adrift! A little boat adrift!__  
And night is coming down!  
Will no one guide a little boat  
Unto the nearest town?_

So Sailors say - on yesterday -  
Just as the dusk was brown  
One little boat gave up its strife  
And gurgled down and down.

So angels say - on yesterday -  
Just as the dawn was red  
One little boat - o'erspent with gales -  
Retrimmed its masts - redecked its sails -  
And shot - exultant on!"

"Emily Dickinson," I said. I never had it memorized, but I had liked that poem as a child. It made me think of a tiny tug boat pushed beneath the onslaught and crashing over the waves one day into someplace so much better. I smiled at her. "Where do you keep the room in your brain for law, Alex?"

She grinned broadly. "It's in there, somewhere." I pushed my fingers through her hair, and she closed her eyes. "I have faith in you, Casey," she said when she opened her eyes again. "I am not like you in that I cannot hold faith to any deity. But, I do have faith in you. You are strong and a survivor and will get through this week. Then, I fully expect you to indulge me with two weeks to pamper and spoil you while you just relax. One day at a time, remember?"

I flashed her a smile. "All you do is pamper and spoil me, Alex," I whispered.

"Then, indulge in a little more, Casey. It is, after all, the holidays." The grin she gave me was so mischievous, weighted with that dark intellect that was so Alexandra Cabot that I threw my head back and laughed. "We will get through today before we worry about tomorrow, love. And, today, we will not concern ourselves with yesterday. Today, that is not our job." Standing, she drew me with her. "Shower. Before we miss our flight and our escorts."

Still laughing, I got in the shower, turning the water on, allowing it to warm up over my body as the spray pushed the sweat from the night before off me, the evidence sinking down the drain. I stared at the drain for a few seconds, the water rushing down, before shrugging. Alex was right. I couldn't change what happened, but that didn't mean I couldn't challenge what might come. If one of the two pulled that stunt, I would deal with it then. There was no other way to do so. Granted, I could also draft a proposal to the New York State legislature for a bill rectifying the situation I was in so that no other woman in the future need go through the same experience. Wasn't that part of seeking justice – preemptively striking so that injustice not be allotted to continue? I thought it was. And, I had always been more focused on justice as opposed to law. Though, that had gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion.

My apartment was empty when I stepped out of the shower and threw a pair of black yoga pants and a gray sweatshirt on. "Alex?" I called as I pulled my damp hair up. I didn't often wear it in a pony tail, but for a three hour flight and two airports, I didn't care what I looked like. Actually, I was much more content to be comfortable. The shower had made me feel better as well.

With no response, I walked into the living room and the kitchen. Still, Alex was gone. I had thought the car was packed – not that either of us had much. I assumed she was taking her entire suitcase, and then, she had packed mine, and I still had only the small green and black one she had given me. A plate on the kitchen counter was laid out with a still warm bagel with cream cheese with what looked like cinnamon sprinkled over the top and fruit cut onto the plate beside it. Alex Cabot and her damn fruit, The note beside it read, _Beautiful, eat this. It's not much, but you're going to pass out from starvation soon. Love._

I shook my head at Alex's sense of humor and took a bite of the bagel. There were little chocolate pieces in the bagel, and as I stared at it, I found myself wondering where in the Hell the bagels had come from. I hadn't purchased any the last time I went to the grocery store. Nor had I purchased any cream cheese. Taking another bite, I wound my way into the kitchen to find bowls and utensils hand washed and turned upside down both by the sink and on the stove that told me Alex had probably spent the night cooking. I looked around and finally pulled open the fridge and freezer. Most, if not all, of my containers were in the freezer filled with what looked like different kinds of soups.

"So, I freak out. You cook," I said, taking another bite of the bagel, my stomach suddenly happy to have food, the baby more aware. "No wonder I think you're so calm." I smiled. No wonder Alex liked to spoil. It kept her level headed. There had to be something I could do to keep myself level headed when I started to panic. Usually, I was never calmer than when I was in a courtroom. In that playing field, I could put everything else aside and just do what I did best. But, what about me went beyond the courthouse? I liked softball, and an afternoon at the batting cages was never an afternoon wasted. I looked around the apartment, still nibbling at the bagel, though far more interested in what had transpired as I had slept.

She had finished moving the living room around so that my office space was neatly tucked by the window and set back up. Curious, I padded into Tem's room. The walls were finished, a soft, celery green with neat white trim along the runnners and the doors. Along the wall opposite the window, Alex had painted, in thick, elegant, brown script _Temperance _just less than halfway down the wall. She had clearly found all of the paint I had bought for the room. Semi-sheer white curtains draped around the name against the wall, hung in such a way that it was obvious the space under the name was meant for a crib. I had initially intended for those to be the curtains for the window, but I liked what she had done instead. In the corner of the room nearest me, she had set the Moses basket on the floor with its teddy and its frog still in the basket, though the other materials stood outside the basket, awaiting the arrival of their respective homes once I ordered them. There was an antique looking set that I had fallen in love with online that I just needed to order and set a delivery day.

The three cream colored framed pictures of a stuffed toy lamb in a room with low daylight streaming through slated blinds hung in a line down the right side of the window, a large stuffed toy lamb sitting on the floor with its head bowed looking sleepy completing the effect. An equally large teddy bear of light tan with a pale pink bow about its neck sat behind the lamb, shiny black eyes looking equally at peace. Tape on the floor indicated where she had thought the dresser, changing table, and rocking chair might go. Beneath where the Moses basket sat, there was also tape, but I couldn't figure out what it was meant to represent. I hadn't planned on more than a crib, dresser, changing table, and rocking chair, and I had already shown Alex exactly what I was ordering. I had figured that the changing table could go as Tem aged, but the other stuff would stay for a while, the crib I had picked out was of a design that altered into something akin to a small bed when one of the railings was removed.

Lips met the back of my neck so softly it was a wonder I felt them at all. I hadn't heard her return to the apartment, though, so I wondered if she had ever left at all. Her kisses trailed down my spine until they reached the small of my back, her body curling up against mine as she kissed me again from shoulder blade to shoulder blade, tracing a cross onto my back. I shuddered. "It's just an idea, but I wanted to surprise you anyway," she whispered into my ear as her arms wrapped around my waist, body flush against mine.

"It's beautiful, Alex," I answered. "I love it. When did you have time for all this?"

"Cream cheese takes four hours to make," she said with that warm smile of hers.

I cupped her hand in mine. "I love you for all that you do, Alex. I just want you to know that I don't expect it of you."

"I know," she murmured, pushing her fingers against mine until I separated mine and she latched hers around mine. Her fingers were both paler and longer which I thought odd because I was paler over all. "I do it because you don't expect it. It's like a surprise every time for you, and it makes me feel so good that I can do that for you."

"I wish I were an easier girlfriend to have." And, I truly did. The amount of crap she put up with from me was amazing. There was no way I was worth the trouble.

Stroking my hair away from my face, she kissed my ear. "I don't. You're just perfect the way you are, Casey."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I lay my head against Alex as I stared out around the airplane at those people I could see, the heads, and the seats. I had taken the isle seat despite the Marshal's protest that he needed to be in the isle. I think describing to him what it would be like if I had a panic attack on the plane made him happy to change his mind and take the window seat, leaving Alex in the middle with me clinging to her leg. The last time I had flown, it had been away from Alex back to New York, and I had been torn and freaked out. This time, I was torn over an entirely different cause and just as freaked out.

Tem had not settled since take off, and the movement was actually causing me further distress, enough that Alex had finally taken my hands in hers and began massaging my fingers and palms. "Casey," she chided softly, "honey, if you don't relax, you're going to give yourself a heart attack before landing."

I turned to look at her. "I don't want to see him, Alex. It's been the most peaceful three months of my life since you shot him. I don't want him to ruin that."

She kissed me very softly. "He won't ruin it, Casey. I'm in your life this time, not him. And, when it's all over and done, no matter what happens, I'll be there." She squeezed my hand. "Now, stop squirming. You look like you have to go pee really bad."

I smirked. "I do." I looked back around the airplane. "I just don't like flying." It was true. I didn't. Airplanes always made me nervous. I didn't know why because they shouldn't have. I had flown on several as a child growing up when my father moved us around depending on his assignment.

"Seriously?" she asked. "How are you planning on getting through a flight to Ireland?"

I shrugged. "I suspect it'll be better when I had something good to look forward to when landing, not something dreadful," I pointed out. "I don't have a phobia of flying, I just don't like it. I already feel sick enough about this whole hearing. Being at this altitude makes me feel sick as well."

Alex shook her head. "So, why can't you walk to the bathroom?"

"I'm afraid that if the plane dips or drops I'll lose it," I said, color rushing to my cheeks.

She gave me an understanding look before unbuckling herself. "Alright, come on. I'll come with you."

I went ever more crimson. The Marshal beside Alex must have heard everything, but he just stared out the window like it was nothing. There I was, heap big prosecutor, defending the little guy, and I couldn't even walk around on an airplane on my own. Yea. I felt very grown up right then. "Alex, I can wait, really."

"There's still an hour and a half left of the flight, Casey. You sure?" When put that way, no, I wasn't sure. Muttering curses under my breath, I stood up.

"We're going to the bathroom, Mike," Alex told the Marshal at her side. He looked at her and nodded. No one actually expected anything bad to happen to us on the flight. It was more the courthouse that I think people were worried about, but I didn't mind the escort. It had made checking in very simple indeed. Mike, who sat beside Alex, had his badge around his neck, firearm at his side. Sonya, who sat behind me in her seat, had her badge around her neck, too. And, of course, my little honorary federal agent had hers strung about her neck – the airline had only asked me for my ID which was part of the point of giving her a badge, apparently. She had an identification as Emily Schimke, but if that name started turning up in New York too much, the concern was that someone might start putting it together, especially if Zapata were concerned that the DA's office might still be pursuing the case – which I was, but passively – then the same woman hanging around me might become a target, and if they found out it was Alexandra, would definitely become a target. We all wanted to avoid that.

Hand at the small of my back, Alex guided me to the bathrooms at the rear of the plane. "Don't leave?" I asked, stepping in to the small lavatory.

A frown crossed her face. "I won't, honey. Leave the door unlocked in case you panic. But, when we get to the hotel, you and I need to have a sit down. There's something going on you're not telling me." I opened my mouth to protest, but she shook her head. "Casey, I can read you better than that."

It was my turn to frown as I used the restroom, the door closed but unlocked. She was right. If I freaked out because of the claustrophobia, she would need to be able to get in to me. I leaned against the makeshift sink, staring into the little mirror. Despite the ample sleep I had gotten the night before, dark circles were almost permanent fixtures around my eyes. Most people thought it was because of the stories I heard with SVU. I thought it was because I was still anemic and dehydrated. I was pasty white and had been for several days. The skin around my nails was peeling and cracked, blood rising to the surface to fill in the holes. My whole body just felt weak. I was tired, and though I had been explaining it away with stress, I wondered if it were entirely a stress reaction or if it had finally compounded into something more – had I stressed myself sick?

I splashed water on my face, my skin instantly feeling dry and shriveled beneath the cool water. Sighing, I ran my fingers through my pony tail and bit my lip. The inside of my mouth was littered with scars from biting myself. I wasn't eating right. As much as I teased her for it, Alex was giving me fruit for cause. Formal culinary training usually involved some of the health benefits to certain foods. She would know my blood sugar was probably on the low end, and the natural sugars in fruit helped boost that. Proteins would be needed, too, and I was shot in the area of vitamin C, another boost fruit could give. Well, the right kinds of fruit, and I had been fed apples and oranges that morning with the bagel. If I didn't know better, I'd say she was using food to try to get me to be healthier, which meant she had an inkling as to the fact that I might be really sick.

Dehydration by itself was bad enough. Coupled with anemia, and things could get squirrely. Not just for me, but for Tem, too. "God, kid," I whispered, "Your momma's really messed up." I was going to get myself hospitalized if I didn't start something to fix myself. I was just to the point where anything I tried to do to fix myself meant that something bad would crop up just as I was beginning to feel confident. I couldn't catch a break, and it was wearing on me.

A knock on the door broke my trance. "Casey, are you okay?" Alex called. I could hear the frown in her voice.

Opening the door, I nodded. "Sorry. I spaced out," I said as I threw the paper towel in the trash and took her hand.

"You look worse now than when you walked in," she said.

"Gee, thanks, Alex. I thought I was beautiful." I rolled my eyes, hiding my smirk by pretending to be angry.

"Casey, you're always beautiful. I just think you're sick." Her hand covered my forehead, but I didn't have a fever. That had come and gone quickly, though I doubted that was entirely because of whatever going away. I may have alleviated the symptoms without fixing the problem by sleeping so much.

I nodded. "I'm anemic," I said with a shrug.

"Okay, Miss Medic. Why the other symptoms, too, then?"

"Dehydration? The flu? A cold? A combination of any of those?" I said as we reclaimed our seats. "I'm not sick enough to go to the doctor, Alex. I'm fine."

"Uh, huh. When we get back to New York, you should see your doctor before I fly you halfway around the world. It's cold in Ireland."

"It's cold in New York, too," I said. "Ireland doesn't have any terrifying memories attached to it, though." I clamped my mouth shut. She had goaded me into saying that, I knew she had. She had that attorney's look of triumph in her eyes, even if it flashed through her for only a heart beat.

"Casey, is it too hard to be in New York?"

I shook my head. "It's too hard to be in my own skin, Alex," I murmured. "Can we talk about this at the hotel? I don't feel like everyone on the plane overhearing." And, by that, I meant the Marshals. She nodded, and I pushed the armrest between us up, leaving my belt off, and scooted as close to her as the small apace would allow.


	51. Chapter 51

The hotel was not the one I would have picked, not even close. But, it wasn't bad. Actually, it was more suited to Alex's style than mine, and I was learning quite quickly how high her tastes ran. The baby's room was beautifully painted, the script so elegant, so far from the world I knew. Yes, I made a lot of money now, but I never knew what to do with it. Alex knew exactly what to do. Even in Witness Protection, she was proving that she could handle money better than most accountants I knew. I bit my lip, staring at the ceiling of the hotel room's mini living room. Maybe mini was a tad understated. The bedroom had a king sized bed and two straight backed, stuffed chairs, all elegantly done. The living room had a full leather sofa, two more chairs similar to the ones in the room, and a fire place with candles decoratively hung.

"How did you talk the feds into paying for this, again?" I asked. Alex was sitting in one of those aforementioned chairs. I was laid out on the sofa, staring at the ceiling, hoping the tears weren't evident in my voice. I had asked her not to touch me, or she probably would have been closer to me. I almost wished she hadn't listened, but even as I pushed her away, I knew she would respect what I told her I wanted. And, truth be told, I didn't want to be touched. If she held me right now, I wouldn't make it to the hearing. I was scared. I hadn't been in the same state as the man since he had shot me. Even several states away, he'd managed to get a message to me, and no one could tell me how he had done it. He could get to me several states away, he could get to me only a few cities apart.

I didn't dare look at Alex lest she see that I was crying. "That doesn't concern you, Casey," she said. I could hear the smirk in her voice. The answer was enough to tell me that she paid for it. How did a dead woman come by more money than I did alive? One of these days, I was going to have to pick her brain for her secret. One of these days, that might be an appropriate subject to broach, but she never asked me to pay for anything, never asked me to do anything for her, never asking anything of me except that I simply be me. Somehow, though, asking her what her secret was, why she took care of me, why she stayed with me even several thousand miles away, why she put up with my fits and my outbursts, why she loved me even though I heard the sadness in her voice that I put there, just didn't seem right.

Blinking rapidly, I turned over onto my stomach, the fast motion making me dizzy and nauseous. I swallowed the urge to vomit as I looked over at her. She was sitting in the leather chair, one leg crossed over the other, blond hair draped around her body. Her left hand rested on the armrest. Her right was propped up, a glass of water at her lips. She looked like she had been ripped out of a lesbian version of GQ, and I sighed. Her eyes met mine as she lowered the glass, the gray intense in the way they became intense during sex, but there was absolutely nothing sexual about how she was holding herself. I wondered if it were those eyes a defendant saw on cross. I wondered if a defendant would ever see them again. It seemed a sin that they wouldn't.

"We're both just running, aren't we?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. It hurt to say that, and I broke eye contact first.

"What are you talking about, Casey?" she asked, setting the glass down on the table beside her, her legs sliding apart. Never anything less than feminine, though, as she leaned forward, hands out before her, fingers laced.

"Me from David at every turn. You from Connors." She sat up straight, and I wasn't sure if it was because I had hit a nerve, the truth, or both. "I can't fix me, Alex. Why do you think I'll turn from you for something better? I thought, at first, you were joking, but you say it so often that I think you really do believe it."

"Casey, I-" She hesitated, staring at me. After a few long seconds, her hands even slid away from her body. I watched her close her eyes, careful not to look at anything but her collar bone. "I don't say I love you without meaning it, Casey. And, I love you so much it scares me. Hell, Casey, it hurts to love you. I've never experienced anything like it. And, it scares me how quickly everything moved. It was instantaneous. You drew me to you wordlessly. I've thought long and hard about it, and I don't know why I stopped for you that night on the road. Were it anyone else, I would have assumed you were drunk. I might have called the police and just kept driving. I had before in that district – men and women. But, when I saw you on the side of the road, it didn't even occur to me that you might be drunk or some party girl abandoned. It was like for a few seconds, I wasn't even in control of my car. I just pulled over. And, then, I saw you were hurt. I could have called 9-1-1 and just let the medics deal with you. That would have been more like me. Not letting a stranger, even a woman, get into my car. I haven't been able to trust since I was shot, Casey."

I stayed silent, even as she paused, her eyes still closed. Something told me to stay quiet, and I worked hard to not even breathe. Maybe if she thought I had vanished, she would tell me everything. It seemed illogical, I knew, but it was something baser than logic that kept us together. Silently, I pulled my lip into my mouth again and chewed at the flesh. I knew my story. I did not know hers, not really. Not beyond what she had told me, but had what she told me been everything that needed to be shared? Hell, had I given up everything to her that I ought to have? I watched Alex's throat work as she swallowed, exhaling through her mouth. "I don't know why I brought you home instead of taking you to the hospital. I don't know why I didn't let you out of my car when you demanded it. It was me, my choice, but it wasn't. It was something so much deeper inside of me that I don't even know if it were still a part of me. When you looked at me, Casey, I knew he had hurt you so deep. You flinched when I touched you, prepared for me to hit you, to beat you. And, I remember thinking that angels ought not be abused."

Her eyes opened and she looked at me. I was watching her intently, and our eyes met. I knew, because it was Alexandra Cabot, that every word from her mouth was true, and painful. "Worse, knowing who you were didn't change the impulsive pull I felt to you. You were, are, connected to the life where I was supposed to be dead. But, as I touched you, I felt home. Not New York City home, but the kind of home that comes from within. By the end of a weekend, you had my heart more than any one person had ever had my heart in my life, and I could not begin to explain how or why that had happened. And, now, you have to much of my heart, so much, that you're the only person in this world I've ever truly given the power to break my heart. I need you, Casey, and that scares me. It scares me how quickly I got this far. I'm just waiting for you to not need me anymore, and then you'll leave me. Yes, I genuinely believe that because that's what people do. People leave when they no longer need you."

I felt myself frown. "No, Alex. That's not what people do, not when they really love you. I remember the way your fingers touched my cheek when you tried to get me in your car. It was that which convinced me to go with you. It was like being touched by sheer power of compassion. Something inside me crawled up through me to you, trying to get to you, like it had been searching for you for a time period so much longer than my life. When you're gone, I feel empty, like half of me is missing, that it was always missing but I didn't know it until I met you that I was so damn empty. I don't know how our lives are going to be with us living in two different worlds, but, like you, I don't say love and not mean it, not unless I'm afraid for my life. And, with you, I know you'll never hurt me. I'm not afraid. I'm safe. I'm safe enough to break down so completely when I need to in your arms. It's a burden I feel guilty pushing onto you, but you get me through the worst moments. You make the best brighter."

She licked her lips, her head hung in a manner that said she wasn't going to argue. Wasn't going to did not mean that she accepted what I had said. I looked at her with the realization that we had both drawn our lines. She was waiting for me to be emotionally put together enough to decide she wasn't worth my time. I was waiting for her to decide that I wasn't worth hers. Until we were willing to cross those lines, we wouldn't get anywhere. The question was, then, would it be worth it if neither of us were willing to find out? Her next question surprised me. Her eyes flicked from her lap to me and back to her lap before I could get a read on them. "How sick are you, Casey?"

I shook my head, rolling back onto my back and staring at the ceiling. "I don't know," I answered. "I'm anemic all the time, but I can't eat to make myself better. It's so hard to swallow food, even drinking anything is just a struggle. Which made me dehydrated, too. I think all of that is because psychologically, I'm still broken, but I do start therapy mid-January. Then, there's my heart. I mean, none of it is particularly serious by itself-"

"Any one of those could kill you," Alex interrupted, her voice soft. "There's more than one way to leave."

"Alex-"

"My mother died. They had her funeral without me there. I couldn't go." She dug her nails into the chair as I froze on the couch, staring at her like she had grown a second head. "If I die, Casey, that's me. But, if you die, I won't be able to stand it. And, I will go crazy if I can't go to your funeral. If you die, I'll be completely alone. I've never felt that much dependence on anyone."

"No, Alex, no." I shook my head. "No. First of all, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. My heart might kill me later, but not now. I still want to see you get old. I want to sit on the couch together when we're old ladies and watch grandchildren run around. I want to look at the scene and think – look what we started. No, we didn't mean to. Hell, you fell head over heels into this mess, and I couldn't be more grateful at how much you've done. But, it doesn't matter who conceives a child or how they're conceived. It matters who raises them, and I couldn't think of anyone better to raise Tem. Second, Alex, if anything did happen to me, you wouldn't be alone. You would have Tem." I pressed my hands over my stomach. "You would not be alone. I would still be here with you. I have a home in your heart, after all. You already told me I've got most of the real estate there."

I heard her move on the chair. In fact, it sounded like she was standing, and the next moment I knew she had because she was looking down at me from the back of the couch. "Let me help you, Casey," Alex murmured. "I want nothing more. When I do die, Casey, I'll die knowing that the time I spent with you was the happiest time I had, and it left me wanting nothing."

I smiled up at her. "Then, we'll both die knowing that when we were together, we didn't want anything more," I said. I held my hand up, halfway between her and me. She clasped my hand in hers, tight and strong, a force to be reckoned with. It never ceased to surprise me that beneath that lean exterior, Alex was physically strong. She just didn't look it. And, when that look of panic or fear crossed through her eyes, she seemed as much the damsel as I did. The many layers of Alexandra amazed me, and I found myself learning something new about her every day.

She smiled, almost laughing as she shook her head, though not in the negative, more like when someone shakes their head from amusement. "Listen to us, a couple of saps, huh?" I nodded, winking at her. "I've just never been so in love, and so afraid to lose it."

"Once you have love, Alex, real love, it never goes away, no matter how many millions of miles there are between us, nothing really separates us." Sitting up, I curled my hands around her face and pulled her close to me, kissing her. My hands moved down her neck to her shoulders, and I pulled at her. She laughed into my mouth, breaking the kiss long enough to sit and then lay across the back of the couch, carefully dropping down on top of me. I laughed, pulled her body flush against mine, savoring the feel of her weight on me, the smell of her hair as it engulfed me with its citrus shampoo.

A knock on the door made us both look up. "Who is it?" Alex called.

"Monica," the woman's voice replied.

"Door's open," I yelled as Alex sat up off me and I scrambled to my feet to get to the door and open it anyway.

Monica just walked in like it was nothing. She smiled at Alex and me with that vague familiarity with which prosecutors tend to look at victims in a case. Yes, she knew us. She probably knew more about us than any stranger needed to know. But, she didn't know us. It was a strange relationship that blossomed when crime occurred. Most prosecutors remembered their truly violent cases. Monica would remember this for a long time, I suspected. Victims almost always remembered the most violent experiences in their lives and what happened to get them through it. No, they didn't remember the hospital staff or the police officer or victim advocate they remembered once, but the ADA, they seemed to recall for a long time. Maybe not by name, but by deed. And, Monica would be in our minds for a while.

"How are you ladies doing?" she asked as she set her attaché down on the coffee table.

I nodded. "Not too bad," I said. "Freak out. Petrified." I bit my lip. Alex grasped my hand. "Sit, sit." She did. "What is going to happen?"

"Well, the DoD is wanting to put David in a psychiatric facility pending trial, as I said over the phone. On the bright side, I did find out this morning in a conference with the defense attorney that they're going to be fighting the motion as well. Turns out, temporary insanity might be on their list of defenses, but from what Thompson was telling me, he's pretty sure this psych facility will ruin his defense, too. Which introduces a third party interest to the case. The DoD attached themselves to the case a few weeks ago on a civil ruling allowing them special jurisdiction which essentially means the court will consider their requests with the same level of sincerity it will consider ours or the defense's."

I nodded. I knew that. So did Alex. I had a feeling Monica was just explaining automatically. It didn't bother me. "So, if we don't want the transfer, and defense doesn't either, how much weight does the DoD have in a two against one battle?" I asked. What would frighten me was if there would be legitimate, medical reasoning to put him in a psych facility that would have the judge order the transfer. I wasn't worried about the insanity defense. While it was plausible, what I didn't want was a DoD psych facility to take custody of him. He could be released immediately after conviction from a psych ward if he were diagnosed competent. I wouldn't put it past the DoD to do something like that. Call me Mulder, but I just didn't feel right about this.

"Casey?" Alex half whispered. "Honey, you have to let go of my fingers before you break them." I looked down. The tips of her fingers were white with the pressure I was putting on them. My own knuckles were just as white, and the rest of my fingers were a dark purple. I let out a shaking breath, only then realizing I had been holding it. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm in hot water."

Monica shook her head. "I don't know. I've got a psychiatric doctor from Denver Health prepared to take the stand on Thursday. He's the one who initially interviewed David when he seemed to have a psychotic break. He's convinced David is faking it. If that's the case, though, either the defense attorney is lying to me, or David's lying to his defense attorney."

"My money's on David lying," I said. "And, that's not just out of bias, Monica. I don't know if he lied to see if he could away with it, because he felt he had to, or just because he was so accustomed to it. It wasn't like I could hold him to his word. I just agreed with him on just about everything, even if I knew he was lying. I got hit less that way." I bit my lip.

She nodded. "Casey, I'm sorry that's how it went down in your house. I really am."

"I know," I said. "Can we go over testimony?"


	52. Chapter 52

Monica nodded her head, pulling two folders out of her brief case, handing one to Alex and one to me. "Those are hard copies of the questions I'm going to be asking you. Obviously, you won't have those at the hearing, but I figured with the both of you having legal backgrounds, you might like the copies." The practice. Alex and I nodded, my blond looking over her questions studiously, her foot looping around mine as she retracted her hand for reading. Her bare foot lifted the bottom of my yoga pants and she pressed her skin against mine, rubbing the top of her foot up and down my ankle.

I opened my folder. "Casey, I'm going to call you before Alex in the hearing. It's going to be pretty simple because the judge already knows the charge. Basically, want I'm going to ask you is going to be in regards to his behavior – when he would abuse you, when he was nicer, if he was ever nicer, that kind of stuff. Do you think you'll be okay?"

"I have no other choice, Monica. I'll be fine."

For the next two hours, she asked me questions, and I answered them until I was giving her clear, concise responses that satisfied her with their consistency. Then, she turned on Alex, going over her testimony for maybe an hour before sitting back in the chair she had taken and firing questions at each of us. "I think we're good," she finally said. "And, Casey, it's going to be alright. I'll be fighting for this as hard as I can, but even if we lose, we'll make sure there's something set up in place so that he cannot harass or terrify you."

I almost told her that he already had, but I decided to keep my mouth shut. Jensen's case was still open, and I didn't want to step down as the charging ADA. If I said something here, it would jeopardize that case; though, I was very well aware that not saying anything at all allowed for something to be absent from my own case. I was torn between two worlds, but I felt a stronger alliance to the satisfaction of putting Jensen behind bars than I did to increasing the amount of time David would be behind bars. I did not doubt a conviction of attempted murder in my case. Without careful guidance, I wasn't as sure with the other one.

Alex gave my hand a squeeze, and I looked over at her. She was staring at me with a look that meant she had been staring for a while, as though I had been so oblivious that I missed it completely. Vaguely, I wondered if it was her or Monica I had inadvertently been ignoring. I could not recall being so lost in thought despite my considerations, but as I looked at Monica, at the concern etched in her face, I realized I must have been. "Are you okay?" Alex murmured. I both loved and hated that she could read me like a book. It made me feel vulnerable, but of all the people in the world who could know my weaknesses, I trusted Alexandra Cabot alone to not exploit them in some fashion. I cared deeply for the detectives and felt sure that they cared for me, but I heard them using each others' weaknesses to their advantage from time to time. I didn't fully trust any of them with mine.

I nodded. "Monica, how long do you think I'll be on the stand?"

Monica shrugged. "Maybe twenty or thirty mintues with my questions. I don't know if defense will have anything for you or if the DoD representative will. So, twenty minutes at the least, possibly as long as an hour, maybe more. You just signal me if you need a break, though, okay, and we'll get you one."

I nodded again, chewing on the tip of my tongue quite briefly. My tongue felt swollen and thick, my mouth dry, and I couldn't tell if it was from my nerves or dehydration. Chances were, both. "What did David do that's got the DoD so riled up?" I asked. The judge had already ruled that no proceeding of the case would be open to the public. Considering Alexandra's involvement and the DoD's "investigative research into appropriate medical services" - at least, that was what it read on the motion, the judge had granted the closed trial and hearings, though I doubted the public would actually be that interested. Most of the time, the public did not even know they could attend court just to listen and observe. If the case hit the media fairly solidly and garnished public interest, then a court room might be full, or at least partially crowded. But, otherwise, the vast majority of cases were tried and heard in near silence.

Monica clasped her hands together, sighing as she crossed her left leg over her right. "David's been throwing fits he reportedly cannot control, sporadically raging and babbling seemingly out of nowhere. DoD claims that the rapid detox of their medication is the cause. Guards report that he doesn't make sense talking, he yells, throws things, and punches various objects. He is also reported to be sleep walking, having regular nightmares, and, once, he attacked his bunk mate while the guards believed him to be asleep. David told prison psychologists that he doesn't recall any of these incidents."

"Oh," I said, shaking my head. "But, none of that is new." Monica sat straighter as if to ask what I meant. "The first week we ever spent the night together, he choked me in his sleep. He said it was from the PTSD he suffered from his tours and he didn't mean it. It was only as the abuse got worse that I thought he might not be sleeping, but I forgave him then and just kept one eye open when we were in the same bed after that. Once the abuse became pretty regular during the day, too, he stopped doing that at night which made me think he was doing it intentionally."

"Casey, was he on the meds when you two started sleeping together?" Monica asked.

I nodded. "He said he'd been on them two years prior to us meeting."

"I see. Go on." I knew exactly what she was thinking because I was already plotting prosecution in my head. It was keeping me sane talking about this, and it kept my mind from wandering down the path of darkness too deeply.

"The sleep walking and nightmares have been normal almost since day one." I shrugged. "As for the fits of babbling rage, I'm more than familiar with those. In fact, the first two times he put me in the hospital were similar fits. After that, I just learned to get away. When he did that, there was no reasoning with him. It was like he was in there, but all he cared about was hitting something, anything. If I got away, it didn't have to be me. I would much rather he hit me when he intended to hit me. It was usually not as bad." I stared at my hand clasped in Alex's for a moment before leaning up against her.

"Do you know if he remembered these episodes?" Monica asked, taking out her pen and pad and writing down everything I had just said.

"I would assume so. He would apologize and make me breakfast the next day, just like if the beatings came where he intended to hit me." I shrugged again, shaking, as Alex wrapped her arms around me, kissing my forehead.

Monica jotted my words down. "Casey, what do you know about mental illness?"

I bit my lip and released it. So far, Charlie hadn't made it in to the case. I still felt bad about leaving him, but I didn't love him, and I couldn't handle his disease. "My boyfriend before David was a schizophrenic. When he was off his medicine, he could be violent, though not to the degree with which David is violent. Charlie truly was sick, and I couldn't take care of him, so I left. I'll concede that David may have PTSD from war, but almost all of my brothers are in the military, and some of them have PTSD, too, but they don't beat their wives. The voices in Charlie's head told him to do awful things, and he genuinely could not control himself. David can, I'm sure of that. He hurt me to hurt me, control me, and feel powerful. Before he shot me, he would regularly point guns at me and tell me that if I left him, it would be through the grave. He used to say that he would be the last man I ever left."

I looked at Alex. Who knew David would be so right, in that twist of fate manner, at least?

"Casey, in all of this, had anyone asked why he shot you?"

I nodded. "The agents did at the hospital, but I suspect it's because I was transferred to SVU with detectives who investigated and knew the signs of domestic violence and sexual assault. I think he felt guilty for what he did to me because now he ran the risk of getting caught – not guilty because he hurt me. He was touching me once, and I told him to quit or I'd tell the detectives, and he told me I wouldn't because if I did, he would send them the video of his friends gang raping me to show them what a whore I was. I was so embarrassed about the video, I didn't say anything else while he raped me. I also didn't tell the detectives. He didn't believe I was in the hospital the night before he kidnapped me, either. He seemed to think I had been ratting him out to the detectives and planning on leaving him, so he was going to keep his word and kill me."

Shaking my head, I glanced over at Alex. "I think the irony is that if he hadn't dragged me to Santa Fe, I probably would never have left him." Alex stroked my hair from my face. "I owe my happiness to the man who tried to kill me," I murmured. I felt the soft squeeze of Alex's fingers at my hip. Through all of the dram, all of my fear, and all of my hesitation, I was realizing that if I just grew up a little more and let myself be happy, it wouldn't matter where we were. Everything would work out for me and Alex. Nevertheless, I have always been a slow learner when it boils down to such things, and that instance was no different.

"I'm not sure if you two are so cute it makes me sick or if you're just cute," Monica said with a laugh as she stood up. "It's been a few hours. Why don't you settle in and go explore Denver a little but. Things shut down around here between ten and eleven, so you'll want to take advantage while you can. I'll be in touch tomorrow to follow up on some of this." She held up her note pad as though I might miss the reference to my earlier statements. I didn't, but I smiled gratefully nonetheless.

"What do you recommend around here for food?" Alex asked. Neither of us had eaten since leaving New York, so I knew she was hungry. Chances were, I was, too, but I didn't feel hungry. Anymore, I just flat was never hungry.

"How do you like French?" she asked. Alex and I looked at each other before nodding, matching grins on out faces. "There's _Le Central_ just up the road at 8th Avenue and Lincoln."

"Ça a l'air délicieux," I murmured, standing to show Monica out of the mini apartment they called a hotel room.

"You speak French?" she asked.

"Oui," I said, nodding. "We both do."

Monica smiled. "Either of you want to be an independent contractor with the US Attorney's Office? We need at least one French translator; particularly, I need one to work with me on an international case I've managed to get involved in."

I shook my head. "I would, but I've got zero time to spare."

Alex, too, declined. "Marshals said I couldn't work in law any more."

"If you want to do it, Alex, I can alter that provision and allow you to translate for the feds. You'd be on payroll as your alias, and you would never translate in court, just documents to and from French on the case, maybe recorded calls or making calls for me."

Alex shrugged. "Then, I'm game. I know I wouldn't be an attorney, but I've been missing the legal element quite heavily. Maybe it'll help me feel like me again."

Nodding, Monica stepped from the apartment. "I'll work on that as well and hopefully have something arranged by Thursday."

"Thanks, Monica," Alex said, and I watched the genuine smile cross her face. I loved when she really smiled. It made her eyes light up, and the multicolored flecks seemed to catch all the light giving her an almost rainbow affair.

Leaning against the closed door, I smiled at Alex. Life had a funny way of making amends, as though it understood when it had just so overtly traumatized a person and needed to apologize. Looking at me, she laughed and shook her head. "It's only Tuesday," she pointed out, "let's go get into trouble."

And, just like that, we were out the door, my fingers held tightly between Alexandra's, off to make trouble in Denver, New York City style.


	53. Chapter 53

**-A/N: Nice happy chapters... two today because they're a little shorter than usual. I try to not make each update too long, but I usually prefer a little longer than this. Ah well. I hope you enjoy because you should be somewhat accustomed by now that you get nice happy chapters either right before or right after something not so happy happens. **

**Also, Casey's parents were dismissive of Casey last time she talked to them, her father because he's just stoic and too ready to appeal his religion over his family, her mother is less clear - Casey believes that her mother's just cold hearted. Whether or not that's a child's perception or her mother really is cold, that remains to be seen. She's in a funk where she really doesn't want anything to do with any of her family right now. That may change sooner, later, or never depending on how much growing she can do and how fast. :) Hope that answered your question? If not, let me know, maybe I can help you understand? I think a lot of the point is that, for those of us who would accept our children without question, it's difficult to understand. **

**Well, enjoy. :)**

We wandered an outdoor shopping area quite near the hotel for some time, up and down the street there seemed to be a plethora of stores and restaurants and tons of bars. It was like a smaller, westernized version of some of the places in New York. Though, it was much cleaner and quieter than New York. Sixteenth Street Mall lacked the come at me attitude of Fifth Avenue, but it had the quaint charm I thought a city born of the Wild West ought to have. We stopped in several stories along the mall, though, finding the usual suspects in clothing and retail, but also several stores with Colorado merchandise including many with truck loads of cowboy and Indian gear. It was that which seemed to intrigue the overly energetic blond the most.

For sport, and because we were where no one could recognize us, Alex bought a cowboy hat, bright blue and speckled with glitter. It took her fifteen minutes to talk me into the green version of the same hat, but she did it. In typical Cabot fashion, she did it. Much to my surprise, a handful of people stared at us as though we were freaks instead of tourists out having fun. I had been in New York so long, I had all but forgotten that people stared at differences. Different was normal in my city. I felt self conscious and looked at the sidewalk.

My hand found Alex's for comfort and she looked between me and the three women who had since looked away with that awkward air about them that said they didn't want to be caught staring. Plucking my hat from my head and cupping it over my lower back, Alex drew me to her, kissing me deeply, the brim of her hat against the top of my head. Two guys walking past cheered which perplexed me and caused heat to rise to my cheeks. Did everyone watch everyone in this city? I wasn't sure how much I really liked the place. But, I didn't care too badly as Alex pulled away, setting the hat back on my head matter-of-factly. "Never allow someone else to make you feel ashamed of what you do or who you are, Casey," she murmured before taking my hand and tugging me across the street to a store with a name that sounded delicious.

Inside, I stared at the shelves lined with homemade chocolates, my eyes wide. Of course, there were similar stores in New York, but the people here smiled, greeting us with little samples of chocolate which melted happily in my mouth. "Dear God," I mumbled. "That's fantastic. Do they have these in the City?"

Alex shook her head. "The only two I know of in the state are in Pleasantville and Webster."

"Bummer." Excited, I picked up a small teddy bear sporting a heart shaped box of chocolates enlaid with the name of the company – _Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. _Not only did they have chocolate and cute little teddy bears, but almost half of the display was caramel and candy coated apples with a man behind the counter busy making more.

"You're like a little kid," Alex laughed. "Oh, God, I'm going to have two of you, soon."

I smiled, nodding. "You have no idea. When I was six, my family lived in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Talk about a city obsessed with chocolate, but every store we went in to, my brothers and I got little pieces of chocolate. My sweet tooth is intense." I pressed my hand over my stomach. "Besides, I'm not the only one. Tem wiggles up a storm for every M&M I eat."

"She would," Alex mused, shaking her head. "Get some candy for the room, then, Casey. Chocolate has properties that help with stress management.

I laughed. "Sometimes, I forget more goes into being a chef than cooking skills."

I picked out a handful of truffles that Alex agreed sounded yummy because I knew I wouldn't eat the whole thing, no matter how sweet my sweet tooth. I also found a nice, old fashioned looking teddy bear for my desk at work with the company name sewn into one of the foot paws. This was a great memory. We didn't have to be in Denver for positive reasons to make positive memories, and it was those I wanted to surround myself with at home and at work.

It still made me uncomfortable, but I was getting better about talking about what had been done to me. My heart was beginning to see what my head already knew – that this wasn't my fault. It would be a while before I believed it, but that was to be expected. I paid for the chocolates, and, bag in hand, we headed back outside to the mall.

I was amazed to find that they had a free bus that ran the length of the mall. Granted, nothing was truly free. The ride was financed by a combination of taxes and other public transportation fees, so it was quite a bit less than free, but I didn't worry about that as Alex pulled me up the steps and onto the crowded bus. It was nothing like New York bus crowded could be during rush hour, but it was crowded. In fact, I had quite a different worry on my mind. I had never mentioned to Alex my fear of being crowded into a small space such as a bus or train with a large number of other people.

Almost as soon as the door closed behind me, I felt my heart leap into my throat. My heart hammered almost painfully in my chest as my breath caught in my throat. I pressed back into the blond behind me, seeking something calming and familiar. I was going to cry. So help me, I was going to fucking cry.

Alex wrapped her arms around me. "What's wrong, Casey?"

"Bus," I gasped, shaking my head. Removing my hat, I leaned hard against Alex, my eyes closed as I tried to focus on her scent and the warmth of her body pressing through our sweatshirts. "I can't do-"

Fortunately, the next stop was only a block away, and I practically leaped from the vehicle, attaching myself securely to the nearest wall. Alex stood before me, frown on her face as I caught my breathe. "What happened there, Case?"

It took several seconds for me to calm down, but when I did, I looked at her, ashamed. "I can't do crowded vehicles. I'm sorry I didn't say anything. It just never came up."

"It's okay, Casey. I'm glad you said something now." She paused, looking thoughtful. "I know you said you don't like flying to begin with, but do you think the anxiety last night and on the plane may have been caused from your general anxiety about high volume crowds?"

I shrugged. It was a great question, and I knew the answer, but I had no idea how to go about explaining it. "I didn't want to disappoint you," I said.

"Why would I be disappointed?" she asked, tilting her head, clearly genuinely confused.

"Ireland," I mumbled. "I was hoping I wouldn't freak out on airplanes. I didn't want you to regret taking me on a plane. Not when I get to spend an entire two weeks with you outside of the States and outside of worry. Hell, not when you go through such lengths to plan something that sounds amazing."

"Casey," she said, her voice sad which made me cringe. She gave me a strange look and touched my cheek. "I'm not disappointed that you're scared. You're sweet to think about me, but I wanted the vacation to be something you could enjoy all around. If you think it's not a good idea to get on a plane, we can do something else."

I shook my head. "I need out of the city, Alex, out of the country. It doesn't matter that I have a new apartment in New York. I walk places, do things, see things, and I remember the nightmare I survived. I feel like no matter where I go, I'm reminded of him, and it makes me want to be sick. He took me over so completely. In some ways, he even has you. I need out, and I want out with you."

Alex bit her lip. "Casey, be honest." She tried to catch my eyes, but I ducked my head. I knew what she was going to ask, and I regretted opening my mouth at all. "Does having me around remind you of him?"

I drew a shaking breath, bringing my hands to my mouth, covering my lips with my fingers. I shook my head, but we both knew I was lying. Alex withdrew her hand from my cheek, chewing at her lower lip. I felt bad. Again, I knew that I was a large part of the reason the hurt swam into her eyes.

"Casey, how uncomfortable does it make you?" she asked.

I struggled to bite back my tears. "I love you, Alex, but he violated your house and, in some ways, your innocence. You shot him, and I know that effects you just as much as it effects me. You cannot be willing to take the life of another, even in dire circumstances, without questioning your own soul. It's not that I'm not grateful, Alex. I'm eternally grateful. You saved my life. You're my hero and my goddess, but you can't sleep easy at night, can you? You have nightmares about him, ones he gave you when he came into your house. I've heard you mutter in your sleep."

She looked shocked that I said that, but she shook her head. Gesturing to an alley a short distance from where we were standing, she moved for the privacy of the conversation. I hadn't meant for this to happen in the middle of downtown Denver. "You're right, Casey. He's in my nightmares, but the nightmare isn't about him. They're about you, about everything I nearly lost that night. I do question who I am because I can shoot a man. I became a prosecutor, not a cop, because I can talk about the death penalty and even advocate for it, but I never knew if I could shoot someone if the situation called for it. Now, I know I can, and that scares me, but it's also empowering. I'm not all talk, Casey, and it's good to know that. I feared for so long that I was. Because I didn't have to pull the trigger or push the needle, I used to wonder if I really had any right to be pro-death penalty. Seeing what he did to you and what I did to him, I feel like I have some ground to stand on. There are people in this world that are so evil they just don't deserve to live. And, I know that might be terrible of me to say, but I believe it, Casey."

I bit my lip. "I replay over and over in my head that night, Alex. I can't help it. I remember praying you wouldn't wake up or that if you did, you just called the police and stayed in the room. I remember thinking it would be okay if he killed me, but you were so innocent of my mess that it wouldn't be fair to you if he killed you, too. When I saw you standing there with a gun, though, I couldn't help but wonder how he scarred you, too. Even if he never hit you, you saw the violence he was capable of, and once you see violence, it's impossible to turn away from it."

"I was not innocent before him, Casey. You forget, I went through my own abusive relationship with my last boyfriend. I put up with emotional and physical abuse because of my sexuality. It was nothing like what you experienced, but I was not clueless. I knew when I asked you to stay in my house that there was a good chance he was looking for you and that if he found you, I was in danger, too."

My brow furrowed as I looked at her, meeting her eyes for the first time since tearing off the bus. "You thought about that?"

"Yea," she said with a shrug. "Something told me that it would be worth it, and it's right. You are worth it."

For several moments, I was silent, listening to the hum of the buildings and the street. "I'm so sorry, Alex," I whispered. "I hate so much that it's what I say or do that puts the sadness in your voice when you talk to me."

"It's not you," Alex insisted. "Casey, it's the people who hurt you that make me sad. That someone beat you down that much for you to believe some of the self-hatred that you say or the self-punishing actions that you take makes me sad. Not you, them. It hurts me that someone came so damn close to breaking you. And, when you're sad, I wish that I were able somehow to make it all go away, but I don't know how. I can't help you as much as I want."

I shrugged. "You help me so much, Alex. You have no idea. I'm sorry. I'll try to be better. It's not having you around that reminds me of him. It's knowing that he came so close to hurting you and there was nothing I could do to stop him. When he was hurting me, I always figured better me than some other woman, but when he woke me up in your bedroom, with you so close to me, I realized how much danger I had been putting you in, and I haven't been able to stop kicking myself."

Alex smiled softly. "You really are an angel, you know that?" she purred, taking my hand. "Come on. Just because we have to be in Denver to testify doesn't mean I can't show you a good time. Try not to think on it. It'll be a task, but you deserve better."

I let her lead me back to the street. We headed east, towards Lincoln according to the maps posted on the corners of the streets, her hand holding mine tightly. "How the fuck do you stay so damn positive?" I asked, running my thumb over her knuckles.

"I have no other choice," Alex said with a smile.

At least she hadn't outright rejected me for both lying to her and for the even more horrifying truth. I would rather have her near me than anywhere else, but I couldn't help but reflect on how different everything would be for both of us without David. That we likely would never have met was the big one. I had said that I owed my happiness to the man who had tried to take my life, and I dod. And, that scared me. No matter where I turned, I couldn't seem to get away from him. New York held so many memories. I felt so badly that I felt Alex held them, too, but even with her, I was not truly without him. He had, literally, driven me to her. Personally, I had been blindsided by the emotional link; I did not understand how Alex, on the other hand, had been so forgiving.

"Casey," Alex murmured, slowing down. I looked at her but remained silent. "Don't dwell. It's complex, I know, but I've learned to just accept things as they are or at least try to."

"How?" I asked, pausing before I elaborated. "I mean, Alex, if neither of us had been hunted, we still would have met. You said yourself that I was pick of the litter to be your second."

Alex nodded. "Sure, but if you didn't feel powerless and alone, and I were your boss, how willing would you be to accept an invitation on a date?"

I thought about that. David had nearly shattered my faith in others. He made me question everything about myself and opened the door to my questioning of my sexuality. The instant connection may still have been there, but with neither of us as vulnerable, would we have tested that spark? My gut told me no. Powerful, Cabot had already admitted to fearing any kind of dependence on another. Weak, she had been able to reach out. Powerful, I would never have accepted that I might be gay. Weak, I had nothing left to lose. "Not," I finally answered honestly. "We both needed that push to get together. Why would fate go through such extreme measures, though?"

Alex shrugged. "Casey, love, you're the one with the God. I don't believe in that kind of stuff."

I bit my lip. But, I was not a philosopher or a prophet. I could not speak for Him.


	54. Chapter 54

By the time it was truly night, neither Alex nor I were ready to go inside. We'd spent the better part of the evening just wandering the mall and surrounding streets. It wound up with us walking each level of a portion of the street mall called the Denver Pavilions. The third floor seemed packed, so we meandered our way up there to see what was going on.

I was surprised to find only a bar and a bowling alley. I had expected more, but then, I was accustomed to my city. More just was. Everything was just more. "Wanna go bowling?" I asked as we passed the doors. The interior was mostly dark with multicolored lights running down each lane. It looked like the bowling alleys I had spent a lot of time in as a teenager, hiding out from my parents' house or youth group with kids I thought were cool, though it turned out my office had prosecuted the majority of them for assault or felony theft. As an adult, I was reminded of when I felt invincible.

Alex shrugged as we back tracked and she followed me inside. My nerves seemed less frayed as the day wore on, and I had accustomed myself to the pace of this particular area of town. I held lightly to her fingers as I walked to the host's podium. "Hello ladies," he greeted, beaming in that strange Colorado manner all of the customer service workers seemed to have. "Are you here for dinner, bowling, or both tonight?"

I looked at Alex. We had never made it to _Le Central. _I had killed that train on the bus. "Both?" I asked her. I still was not hungry, but eating would placate her and was preemptive on my part. Plus, I was sure Tem could use the calories and nutrients. I loved her already, but medically speaking, she was a parasite. Alex nodded, so the host gestured for us to follow him as he led us through the restaurant half of the bowling alley, setting us both down with menus.

"Thanks," I said, smiling up at him. Alex parroted me and he left, replaced almost immediately by a teenaged brunette looking to take out drink orders as she poured us each a glass of water.

"May I have an Arnold Palmer?" Alex asked, her proper background showing in her straight backed posture and squared shoulders. It made me smile behind my menu as I took off my hat, setting it on the floor by my feet. Alex's cowgirl hat had already disappeared though I had no recollection of her actually taking it off.

I ordered an orange juice and a Sprite, wiggling a small silver, onyx, and pearl case from my pocket. Alex watched me astutely. Sometimes, I swore she monitored which pills I took and how frequently. I picked out a white pill which I took twice daily at roughly twelve hour intervals, placing it deliberately between us. "Casey," Alex chided in a tone that said she thought I was being childish. I gave her a look that said that I thought she was.

"What? You know, you watch me take all my pills in the morning, all my pills with dinner, and my two pills before bed like you're converting to a new religion." She smiled faintly, looking embarrassed. "You know, you've never asked what they are for or what they do."

"Do you want me to?" I nodded. Alex leaned forward, picking up the white, squarish pill. "Fine. What is it?"

"A corticosteroid, low dose pill. It's mostly for my heart, but the dual side effect is that because I'm chronically anemic and Tem doesn't necessarily get everything she needs from my body – and there may be extensive damage to her mental function from my shooting – the steroid actually helps her as much as it helps me."

"Okay," Alex said, handing the pill back to me. I set it beside the water glass before tipping the next one into my hand.

"I know that one," Alex said. "I took the same thing for a couple of months after I was shot. It helps with anxiety." She didn't say why she had stopped taking it, but two months was not long enough for the medication to have any effect.

I nodded, placing it beside the other one. "In about an hour, I'll start wanting to wind down and be lazy. That's the only downside."

"Or upside. I like snuggling on the couch with you and having you fall asleep in my arms." I flushed at her words. "You're cute when you blush. Your skin matches your hair." I went a shade darker, scrambling for my third dinner time pill.

Placing the capsule in her hand, I watched her examine it. "It's not prescription," she said.

I raised my brow, surprised. She was right, and that impressed me when it came to modern day medication. "How do you know?"

"The markings on the capsule aren't right. What is it?"

"It's an anti-emetic – helps with nausea and vomiting. The doc figured I'm dehydrated enough without throwing up regularly. I have to be really careful about signs and symptoms of side effects because of the blood thinners."

Alex nodded. I set the third pill in time. My fourth dinner time pill was a bright pink, and Alex turned it over in her fingers when I handed it to her. "Acid reflux," I said. "I've had it since conception. The doctor swears it'll go away after Tem's born."

"That's four."

"That's all with dinner. Before bed, I might take the two sleep aids I'm prescribed. But, the anti-emetic and the anti-anxiety usually make me sleepy enough. And, since I have very few nightmares when you're here, I don't take them often. In the morning, the white, big pill is my prenatal. The hay colored pill is a low dose multivitamin since I'm chronically anemic and the prenatal plus my diet don't give me everything Tem and I need. The injection is the blood thinner. I take the antacid and the steroid as well, then, too."

Alex shook her head. "Which of these is as much danger as help?" she asked.

"The only one that's not is the antacid." I licked my lips. "All of the others singularly or in combination with one of the others is enough to cause serious damage to either me or Tem or cause preterm labor." I did not enjoy admitting it, but after our earlier conversation about her mom's death and how that coupled with my confession that giving birth alone could kill me, forget my heart, I felt that Alex ought to at least know. If she was going to be calling for emergency services, she ought to be able to tell them something.

"You can't seem to win," Alex murmured. I shrugged, gathering all of the pills and tossing them back with a healthy gulp of water. The rest of the glass quickly followed. My body was starving for water. "Next store, Casey, I'm buying you a water bottle."

I smiled. "Okay," I said. "Hey, Alex?" I paused, deliberately waiting for the verbal acknowledgment.

It took her a moment, but it finally came. "Yea, Case?"

"What we talked about earlier, I just want you to know my love for you outweighs my fear of him." I bit my lip. "A year from now, this trial will be well over. Maybe I'll have learned to move on, and I hope and pray you'll still be in my life when I'm better."

She picked up my hand and brought my fingers to her lips. "I'll be here a year from now, Casey, eighteen years from now to see Temperance graduate from high school, twenty one years from now when she graduates college, and longer than that. I'll be around to see her have kids if she chooses to. And, to see you through it all." She licked her lips slowly. "I was going to tell you in Ireland, but I had a conversation with the Marshals on my case. They agreed that if three years from now, when Tem starts school, if there would be no threat to you or Tem, I can leave Witness Protection. I'd leave tomorrow, but I can't put you and the baby in danger, Casey. I just can't. Me coming back to life would mean putting you at risk, and I won't."

My heart slammed against my ribcage with adrenaline. Three years? It seemed so short compared to the lifetime I had been preparing for. I had promised to wait my entire life. Three years, I could do. God, I hoped in three years the cartel would forget about Alex and just let her live with me. I stared at Alex, tears hot and silent down my cheeks. Similar pools of water bbbled in her eyes, not yet spilling as she ran her thumb over my knuckles, still holding the hand she had kissed. "Three years?" I finally squeaked. "I think I can manage that."

She squeezed me hand. "It's not a guarantee. If it puts you or Tem at risk, I won't do it, but all else aside, January one 2007 is what they granted me so long as I promised to testify as needed against Connors or any member of the cartel."

I wanted to hug her, but I sat, rooted to my seat, afraid that if I moved, I'd wake up. Standing, Alex leaned over the table and nudged me a little. "Casey, talk to me. It scares me when you do that." My gaze moved up from Alex's stomach to her eyes. "Okay, you're still in there, huh?"

Nodding, I remained mute for several seconds before surging back to life. "I hope I didn't upset you," Alex said as she sat back down. "It's not much, but-"

"It's hope, Alex, that one day we can have a normal family," I interrupted.

Alex's laugh shimmied over me. "Casey, you and I will never have a normal family, and that's the best part about it." I smiled, flushing. "I'm glad you're okay with this."

"Why would you think I wouldn't be?" I asked, curious now that she had phrased it the way she had. "Alex, you've seldom visited me planned – in fact, none of our face to face encounters have been planned. All of this has been one big game of holding my breath, hoping you can come back sooner rather than later. If three years down the road, life's still too dangerous, I would prefer your safety. But, if there's even a possibility of you being here for Tem's first day of school, for me to wake up every day holding you, and for you to feel comfortable in your own skin again, as Alexandra, then, I'm all for grasping hope. After all, faith and love have gotten me this far."

"You sound like a Christmas card," Alex said with a playful pout.

I grinned like a Cheshire. "Then, your first Christmas as Alex again, that's what we're putting on the card."

She shook her head. "Fine. But, if you want to do family Christmas cards, you're in charge of them."

"You don't mind Olivia, El, and the others knowing?" I asked, dropping my head.

She seemed confused. "That I'm gay? Munch already knows. He saw me kiss a woman in a bar once. I owed him nothing but gave him the explanation anyway. As for the others-" She shrugged. "There was an office pool going as to whether or not Olivia and I would get together. Olivia's straight and like a big sister which would be so very wrong in so many ways, but I thought it was a cute pool. Haven't I told you about that?"

I flushed. "You didn't. Olivia did."

"Olivia knew? What a rotter. We could have made a ton of excellent jokes on the guys, had them guessing forever." I watched the light dance in her eyes as she talked about the detectives. She had really bonded with them. At first, I had thought it had to be some kind of hero worship among the detectives, but seeing her, I knew it was an unbreakable bond that kept them all linked through the light in their eyes. It was kind of sweet, though I could never tell any of them that.

"I would have paid to see that," I said with a laugh, our waitress coming back with our drinks.

Alex and I managed to place our orders without having looked the menu over, my blond asking for a chicken salad and me for a cheeseburger. My doctor had said to gain weight. She had not said how. Though, in place of fries, I did get steamed carrots – better nutrient content for the baby. And me, but it sounded better to blame healthy eating on the baby.

"How often will you be back once Tem's born?" I asked, unsure as to whether or not the familiarity would be there for the girl to have of her second mother.

Alex shook her head with a shrug. "The only sure answer I've gotten is 'when they can.' I think a lot of it will depend on what's going on in the cartel. They've already said that during major moves or possible cartel related busts, it's an absolute 'no' if it's anywhere near New York. I'm hoping at least one weekend every two to three months if not more. Some of it will also depend on my work sick and vacation leave as well."

I nodded. She had to keep up her job in Wisconsin for herself. I understood that quite nicely. To me, she was Alexandra Cabot. To the rest of the world, she was Emily Schimke. My daughter would see her mother more frequently than my neices and nephews got to see their fathers, though. If Jen could do it with three, I could handle this with one. "But, we'd still be able to talk?"

"And send each other things," Alex said. "So, you better send me tons of pictures."

"Of course I will. And video. I wouldn't let you miss a thing."

"Good," Alex mused, grinning broadly. "I feel more of a fool when it comes to Tem than I feel with you, and Casey, you make me into the craziest love drunk fool alive."

I smiled. She reminded me a little bit of my brothers, and I bit my lip thinking it funny. My father had wanted nothing more than for me to find a good man, one who would treat me right, treat me the way he had raised my brothers to treat their wives and girlfriends. Little did any of us know I would find exactly that in a woman. "You act like a dad."

"I guess that goes right along with my knighthood and kingship, then, my queen," she teased.

I tipped my head, appraising her long, blond hair, light dash of makeup, and feminine attire. "You both look and participate in more feminine acts than I do, yet you've designated yourself a knight, not a dame, and a king, not a queen. Is there something you're not quite telling me, Alex?"

She laughed, tucking her hair away from her face. "I am whatever you need me to be, Casey. Gender never mattered to me, even as a kid. I didn't play with dolls, but I didn't play sports or climb trees either, if that's what you're thinking. I may be a woman, but I've been through so many encounters that require me to play the masculine role that I finally just became accustomed to 'sir' as much as 'ma'am.' Even my name is androgynous. You could tell people you were dating someone named Alex, and chances are, until you assigned a pronoun, everyone would assume I'm a guy since you're a girl. If I had a feminine name like Stephanie, then things might be a little different."

"Casey works the same way," I said with a shrug.

"I know. I live in a conservative town. After the incident with my boss, I've decided that I"m going to start telling people I'm seeing Casey without careening out of the closet into pitch forks."

I laughed. Alex smiled. "That's my favorite sound in the world."

"What is?" I asked.

"Your laugh."

I picked at my dinner when it came, managing to eat most of it before feeling nauseous. Alex had finished well before me, and I had settled in to listening to her tell stories about her childhood or SVU before I came along. I knew she had done a lot of international traveling as a child, but I had no idea how much. I found myself smiling when she said, "You and Tem would love..." whenever she mentioned a city or a town or a museum because I really did not think she had noticed that she was saying it. I didn't point it out to her, either. It was cute, and I was coming to believe more and more that she wasn't kidding. Maybe soul mates were real. It certainly seemed that I had found mine.

Or, maybe, we were just waiting for the storm to hit, existing in the eye of the hurricane.


	55. Chapter 55

It turned out, for everything Alexandra Cabot had done and could do, in thirty one years, the woman had never been bowling. Consequentially, she had given me a very strange look when I had asked her shoe size and insisted on her taking her shoes off.

"Alex, you have to wear special shoes on the floor or you're gonna fall on your ass and scuff the lane."

She frowned at me, reluctantly handing me her shoes. "I don't see the appeal in a game requiring the use of someone else's shoes."

I grinned. "I promise, you'll get over it." Handing her the bowling shoes, I sat down beside her and pulled the strange shoes on, lacing them quickly. Alex was pulling faces as she stared at the shoes now securely on her feet. "I'm impressed you got those on."

"I can put shoes on, Casey," she said, almost snapping as though she were truly uncomfortable.

I laughed. "Not quite what I was implying, Wonder Woman." She smiled at me as I stood, pulling me down into her lap such that she caught me at a cradle, and I automatically twisted my arms around her neck. I no sooner opened my mouth to protest and she kissed me, her arms adjusting to hold me more securely.

When she pulled back, I wiggled free of her arms, my heart pounding. "Why do I think we're not getting sleep tonight?"

In answer, Alex slipped her hand under my sweatshirt, over my hip bone, just at that right spot, my spot. Wide eyed, I froze, staring at her. Every fucking time, without fail. I swatted her hand away. "If I pass out here, Alex, twitching, you're going to be in so much trouble. Come on, let's go get balls and actually play."

Alex frowned. "I thought you gave those up for me," she said, her voice teasing, playfully hurt.

I smacked her shoulder. "A-Alex," I groaned, rolling my eyes. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

Grinning, she stood. "I thought the point was to keep the balls out of the-"

"Alex!"

My blond broke into a fit of laughter, doubled over. "I'm sorry," she panted. "It was just hanging there. I had to reach out and just grab them. It. Grab it."

I sighed, not sure whether or not we were too old for that kind of thing or if I was thoroughly amused. "Someone has penis envy," I teased. Fuck it. Might as well go for it.

"Hey, my penis is perfect. You're just jealous." She was grinning so wide, I nearly burst into laughter.

I put my hand on her shoulder, the other hand took her chin, and, holding her face steady, I whispered directly into her ear. "Says the woman who came so hard she couldn't walk when she rode me in a barn." My voice, already deep, had dropped to a lower octave. "I think that makes me the better stud."

She pressed me forward with her hand at the small of my back. "We'll see about that later," she murmured.

"Idle promises," I chided, laughter lilting my voice as I picked out a bowling ball for her. "Is that heavy enough?"

"Oh, God," Alex mewled. "I'm horny and the game's full of fucking innuendos."

"You're always horny."

"Not true. I'm almost always a tease, though. You're fun to tease. You react so quickly." I flushed. She cradled the bowling ball against her chest. "Hey, it's not a bad thing."

I picked a weight I liked and headed back to our lane, setting my ball on the caddy. "Name?" I asked.

"Alex," she said, copying my move and placing her ball beside mine with a funny look on her face.

"Ugh. Miss Literal. Nickname, for the screen." I pointed up to where the cursor indicated the name field on the television screen above our lane that doubled as a computer screen for our scores.

"Oh," she said. "Hm." While she thought it over, I typed, THE BLOND ONE and pressed enter. Under name, where mine would go, I added, THE REDHEAD. Alex looked up at the screen and smiled. "True enough. Guess I'm up first. What do I do?"

"Grab your ball-" Her hand cupped her crotch. I stopped mid-thought, completely able to process anything else. "Are you drunk?"

"Nope. I'm grabbing my ball." The light danced through her eyes as she watched me smile. Miss Prim and Proper was grabbing her nuts in public. Dead God, what was the world coming to? I knew exactly what she was doing, and I was grateful because it was working, but that didn't leave me any less shocked.

I grabbed her hand from her pants and dragged her to the caddy. I managed to think before I opened my mouth. Somehow, I think telling her to put her fingers in the holes would have ended very poorly for my sense of public humiliation. She saw me hesitate and smiled like she had ultimately won the argument.

"Aw, come on, Alex. Get through one game with me, then, I swear, you can do anything sexual you want, but I really wannt be the first person you ever bowl with." I sounded whiny, and I knew it. The problem was, I didn't really care. I just really wanted to be the one to pop her bowling cherry – and, there I went, following the Cabot pervert train out of the station. I sighed, staring at her with my best rendition of puppy dog eyes.

"Anything?" she asked. I nodded. She leaned forward and whispered in my ear.

My eyes widened. "If you do that, you're explaining to Letty why we're in jail – and Branch!"

She kissed my lips very gently. "Deal."

I was so going to go to jail tonight. It was just going to happen.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

We barely made it through the game. I had never been good at bowling, but Alex's sheer lack of coordination made me look like a pro. "How can you be so graceful everywhere else but be so klutzy on an alley?" I asked as we walked back down the mall toward the hotel, my hand tightly held by hers. My stomach muscles hurt from laughing so much, and I was still coming down from the height of euphoria. Laughter really was a great medicine. I felt better than I had in weeks, and I was in the city to see my damned ex-boyfriend and testify in what would amount to his competency hearing.

"Speaking of alleys," she murmured, pulling me down one almost to the other side where she pushed me up against the brick wall, her mouth covering mine. The overall cleanliness of the city surprised me. In New York, I would have drawn the line here in an alley, but in Denver, there wasn't even trash billowing through the alley, let alone people. I didn't have too long to be surprised, though, because Alex's cold hands slid between my shirt and my skin, resting on my stomach, and I gasped. Instantly, my body was alive with the sexual promise she had left so heated just below my flesh, heated but unfulfilled so often over the past three days.

Her hands played across my skin and body without ever once exposing more than my stomach and my lower back to the cool December air. As her nails dragged over my back and down my spine, her mouth found that place at my neck, and I groaned, my arms looping over her neck as my head tipped automatically back, exposing more of that line of skin to her hungry mouth. Even through the downtown lights, I could see a handful of stars. It was almost magic.

"We are so going to jail," I mumbled as my own hands traversed her back and down her jeans, cupping her and pulling her to me.

"Bail will be worth every penny," she murmured, her fingers dancing along the line of fabric that hugged my breasts. My eyes fluttered at her feathery touch. She had mastered how to light me on fire with the barest of touches. Our time together might not have been long, but she was a fast study and had had a lot of practice.

"Alex," I whimpered. Her hands were still, like tiny icicles despite my warm skin, and my body hardened, flesh rising like braille beneath her touch. Maybe that was why I was so open to her, so easy for her to read.

My eyes flicked around the alley. Monica had not been kidding. The city around us was quiet, almost eerily so. Still, I had a good girl complex where I was free to break the rules if I did not get caught doing so. Needless to say, when I noticed the nook in the wall, I pushed Alex towards it, hoping to conceal us better. If Alex really was going to do this to me in public, I so did not want a cop or a homeless person to notice us. While I was sure Alex could talk her way out of a ticket, I could do without the humiliation of a stranger seeing any of this.

With a low laugh, she complied with my silent request, cushioning my head with her hand as she pressed me hard into the wall of the nook. I pulled her back to me as she sucked at my neck so hard, I was guaranteed to have at least one hickey for court. I wasn't the only one afraid of seeing David. Alex was making sure David knew I was taken, someone else had caught me, and this time I was a willing participant. Knowing what she was doing with her mouth and why, chances were that I would make a vague attempt to cover it up, but I would make sure David saw them each at least once. Vindictive, perhaps, but I liked being vindictive.

As she nibbled and licked and sucked on my neck, her fingers moved the circumference of my chest along my bra. "Mm, mm," I mumbled. "It's in the front." I covered my hands over hers and pushed them forward. I wanted the bra off. More than that, I needed her hands around my skin.

Alex laughed, dark and throaty, at my neck. Tingles shot down my stomach and between my legs. That sound killed me. It just killed me. "Expecting something tonight?"

I didn't answer. Hoping? Oh, yes. With her, I was always hoping. Expecting? No. But, I wasn't going to explain to her either that as my breasts had swollen and grown heavy, a front clasp had not only proven more comfortable but also more practical when I dressed in the morning. "Alex, please," I muttered, tugging at her hands as she paused in her attentions. "I'm pregnant, horny, and you're a fucking tease."

She laughed. "This from the woman terrified of going to jail?" But, she complied, rolling her fingers deftly over the entirety of the sensitive flesh of my chest. I didn't have the opportunity for a comeback, my body arching into her hands.

We didn't get caught, but I did earn myself two prominent hickeys on each side of my neck with a smaller one just under the left hinge of my jaw. In return, Alex wound up with three long scratches that began below the collar line on her back, ran across her neck, and ended somewhere along her chest. I didn't even know how I had pulled it off.

"So, about my penis?" she murmured as I managed to relax my thigh muscles enough for her to extract her fingers from my core where they had been trapped between her body and mine, my legs still clinging around her. She made as if to wipe them off on the inside of her sweatshirt, but I grabbed her hand and licked from her wrist to the tips of her fingers. Her eyes rolled as I did this, her body shivering as I sucked her fingers into my mouth, my tongue smearing patterns over her long phalanges as I cleaned myself from her. She groaned as I released her.

"Fuck," I murmured as I licked my lips to the memory of being wrapped around her as she had thrust her hips against me, pushing her fingers even deeper. "Fuck, Alex. Trust me when I say what you can do is far better than any penis."

Alex laughed as she buttoned my pants, easing me to stand on my own two feet again. "Good, because I have other plans for you as well tonight." She kissed me, pulling me against her.

"You have to leave me with enough energy to play back," I whispered, my breath hot over her ear. "Because I've had two months to fantasize everything I want to do to you."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

We hadn't been to sleep at all by the time a persistent pounding on the door drew Alex and myself out of our shared shower. I quickly wrapped a towel around myself and stepped to the door, peering through the peephole. Two men unfamiliar to me stood on the outside, badges in hand.

"How can I help you?" I asked, not recognizing the badges as FBI or US Marshals service badges. I didn't know who else they would be, though. Who else with a badge would come here looking for me. Judging from their suits, they weren't local police. That being said, they probably weren't here about last night. And, to be fair, both Alex and I kept all of our clothes on. Alex just wound up in my clothes with me.

"Federal agents, Miss Novak. We need to speak to you regarding your protection tomorrow at trial." That voice sounded familiar, and I closed my eyes, listening, trying to place the voice. I couldn't put a face to it, though. It was just familiar. I thought that, perhaps, it was an agent I had spoken with over the phone during one of the many times I had to relive my own story. If he was a Denver local, that would explain a lot. Until now, I hadn't been to Denver. Letty had been to Santa Fe to visit me in the hospital and then to New York the one other time I had seen her face to face. This was the first time I had been dragged to Denver, where David was being held in a city a few hours drive away. But, since he would be appearing in the federal court house down the street from the hotel, they had kept Alex and I confined to Denver.

I opened the door to let them both inside. Their suits were almost matching, it was eerie. The one who had spoken, a caramel colored man with sun kissed brown eyes was in a Navy suit that showed off his muscles to a tee. The other man, a taller blond, though both men were taller than I, wore a dark gray suit that made his pale skin look even whiter. The blond, I figured, didn't really know how to wear a suit. I had the same milky complexion he did. Maybe I could impart a tip. Or, maybe I could actually just do what I was so avidly avoiding by examining their dress and pay attention to the fact that they were hear about the case. "Are you alone?" the blond asked.

My heart pounded to my throat. Everyone on the case – everyone – knew about Alex and I being together. We traveled together to Denver, had been lodged in the same hotel. Everyone knew. Hell, even the defense attorney knew. Why would I be alone? Trying not to panic, I leaned against the door, blocking their ability to walk inside without touching me. "Yea, just me here. Why? What's going on?" I let a little panic slip into my voice. The panic wasn't from wanting to know what was going on with the court house, though. It was from wanting to know who these men were and why they were at my door. They were some kind of law enforcement and had some kind of knowledge about the case, but that didn't reassure me in the least. In fact, it made me a thousand times more nervous.

I managed to resist the urge to look behind me to see if Alex had left the bedroom to follow me out or if she was gone. I could judge from their reactions that it was unlikely there was anyone behind me now because they seemed to accept my answer. "Can we come in?" the caramel skinned agent asked.

"Uh, yea. Sure. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the attire, too." I gestured to my towel. "Make yourselves comfortable. I'm going to get dressed really quick."

"Take your time, Miss Novak," the blond replied as they filed past me while I looked around the room for any evidence that Alex was staying in the hotel room with me. But, we had kept most of our things to the bedroom. And, in a way, I could claim everything in the hotel room because Cabot and I were almost the same size when one accounted for the fact that a few of my clothes were intentionally too big for comfort.

I shut the door to the bedroom behind me and froze. If they didn't know about Alex, did they know about the baby? Who the fuck were these agents? I stared at Alex who had dressed while I answered the door and was looking at me in a peculiar manner. I pressed my finger to my lips. "They don't know you're here," I whispered. "Stay out of sight. Something isn't right. Call Letty."

I dried quickly, my hands shaking, and pulled a pair of underwear and bra on, running a brush through my hair and pulling it back into a low pony tail. They had to believe I had no suspicions of anything going on. That meant, I had to act as normal as humanly possible knowing full well something wasn't right. I was never good at that. Closing my eyes, I sucked in a breath. Yes, I was. I had done it for several years with David. I could be calm and collect. I could do this. And, then, maybe they would leave.

I yanked on jeans, a tank, and Alex's sweatshirt knowing full well I was going to need the comfort of her scent around me through this conversation. Alex pulled me to her, wrapping her arms around me as she held me against her. "You don't have to go back out there, Casey. We can call Letty from here and wait for the cavalry."

I shook my head. "There's something familiar about them, Alex. They could be legitimate, but my gut says they're dangerous. I don't want to raise their suspicions. I don't want you out there. They don't know about you, so hide. Hide and call Letty."

Her lips pressed to mine very softly. "I don't want them to hurt you," she whispered.

I twirled her wet, blond hair between my fingers. "There's something familiar about them. They'll be gone soon, Lex."

Reaching into her back pocket, Alex handed me her cell phone. "Leave me yours to call Letty. My phone's from the Marshals' office," she whispered. I handed her mine, aware of the unspoken implication. If anything happened, I was one hundred percent certain that her phone's low jacking was better than anything on the civilian market. If anything happened, the key would be in not getting my phone taken away from me.

Tucking her phone in my pocket, I pulled socks on, debating with shoes and deciding against it. If I put on shoes now, it might raise their suspicions. I wasn't planning on going anywhere. Standing again, I kissed her. "Hide, Alex. I hope to God I'm overreacting, but in case I'm not, I love you."

Her fingers touched my cheek. "Casey, you don't have to go out there alone." I shook my head, effectively ending the whispered conversation. "I love you, too, Casey." I shooed her out of sight before opening the door again.


	56. Chapter 56

Both agents were still standing when I returned to the living room, looking around in a combination of what looked like awe and possibly, disgust. "Nice hotel room," the blond said. Yes, there was definitely disgust in his voice. I didn't understand where it was coming from, but I tried to ignore it. When he looked at me, the glance was somewhat disgusted as well. I wondered if he thought he hid his emotions well, or did he want me to see it?

"Thanks," I said, choosing to pretend I didn't see it. "I actually figured getting my own room would save the department and help me to forget why I Was really here." The pit of my stomach dropped as I realized they were both half circling me. The blond reached out and grabbed my wrist, pulling me off balance. The shorter, darker man drew a gun as I tried to yank away from the blond.

"What are you doing?" I gasped. "That hurts. Let go." I pulled until I heard the safety click on the gun. My father had taught me about guns growing up. I could shoot. I knew the sounds each gun made as though they were my own breath and heart. My father had been half disappointed, half overjoyed when I did not go into the military.

The caramel colored man clucked his tongue disapprovingly. "Really, Casey, I thought your guard would have been better than that." He tucked his gun back into the holster as the blond brought my hands behind my back, securing them with hand cuffs. Reaching out, the darker skinned man touched my cheek, almost exactly where Alex had just touched me. I turned my head, snapping my teeth at him. He slapped me hard, the blond forcing me to my knees with a swift kick to the back of my leg. I dropped the way he intended me to, my legs giving out beneath me.

From that position, looking up at him, my hands restrained behind my back, the look on his face that said he could tear me limb from limb and not care, the memory hit me harder than anything had in my life. It was like a physical blow it was so powerful. I closed my eyes, panting, shaking my head.

_The caramel colored man had held my head, tears streaming down my cheeks as I gagged around his hardened penis, the tip shoved so far down my throat that I actually couldn't breathe at all. He held himself there so long, my muscles trying and failing to force him out of my throat, growing weaker with the lack of oxygen as I struggled against the binds around my wrists, one man holding me still, another holding my nose pinched shut so that any air I might have gotten, I could not. _

_I had started to go limp, so close to passing out, praying that I would pass out and remain unconscious for the remainder of the nightmare. But, just as I thought the darkness would swallow me, her pulled himself out of me. I gasped the air like a fish before he forced my jaw with his fingers, establishing such a violent rhythm in my mouth that he actually tore my lips and gave me a bloody nose. When he had finally released my head, I vomited mostly from reflex, but in part, too, because I was crying so hard. _

I could remember the blond, too, the way his hands ran through my hair before he forced me to lay on my stomach, his hands holding my hips up. He had been the first to penetrate me vaginally, but I had given up long before then. I had escaped my body, existed beyond what was happening to me. And, with everything going on the past two months, with me not telling anyone about that night beyond the basic gist, I had come to hope and pray that I could just forget about it. Forget their faces and their hands, forget so that I would never look at Temperance and think that she looked like anything other than herself. But now, as I stared up at both men, I knew that would never be possible. I had managed to shut their images from my mind, but they had been reawakened, and for the rest of my life, I would commit their faces to memory because two of them were federal agents, and I would never again put the lives of the two I loved at risk by refusing to remember.

_Please, kid, _I prayed, _have red hair and green eyes, like Mommy. And white skin. God, please let her have those from me. Please._ Three of them were brunette with dark eyes. One, a blond with blue eyes. "No," I said. "No, I didn't want to then. I don't want to now."

Something hard hit my face. "Shut up." I could taste blood which meant whatever it was had opened my cheek clear through to my mouth. It made my jaw ache with the force, and I opened my eyes to find he had his gun out again. "As much fun as that was, we're here to move you to another location until after the trial. Once the judge rules to have David reminded to a psychiatric facility, you'll be put on a train back to New York. Until then, you can't go to court."

A psych facility? These men wanted him in one? But, that wasn't right. For him to get off the charges entirely, they had to show temporary insanity with a key effort on temporary. David being in a psych facility would show the opposite, that he was permanently insane. He wouldn't be allowed a trial until he was declared competent. "What?" I asked, unable to help myself. "You're not here for David?"

The caramel man laughed. "God, no. We may share some common interests," he said, his hand running down my neck, "such as your beautifully white skin. But, we do not work for him. We work for the DoD, and it's that interest which we protect."

"You were ordered to kidnap a witness?" I asked, the lawyer in my more repulsed than the simple human.

"You have no idea what him going to trial is going to expose, Casey. More is at stake here than his life or yours, and, quite frankly, I don't give a damn about either." He nodded to the blond behind him. "Pick her up. Let's get her to the car. The sooner we're out of here, the better. I didn't see any fibbies on the way in, but that doesn't mean shit."

"Good point," the blond murmured, his hand slipping under my arm as he yanked me to my feet.

"I thought you two were Marines," I said, hoping to keep talking.

"When we met David, we were all Marines, the lot of us in the same unit. Now, we're NCIS."

"Ironic," I mumbled, "That the justice department would hire two rapists to enforce the law." And, just my luck, too, that I would find four sadistic rapists, the rarest kind of sex offender. They compiled the fewest number of rapes reported and the fewest number of cases I tried. Horrific people because the victim's pain and struggling usually spurred them on rather than made them want to leave the victim alone. With any other kind of rapist, fighting back was often enough to stop it. But, one never knew when a rapist had that sadistic streak. One never knew if fighting back would kill them. It was best to do whatever it took to survive. I had been lied to by these men before, but in this, I knew they were sadists. Temperance had no chance if I fought back. If I weren't quite and compliant in everything they asked of me.

For the life of my daughter, a child either would just as likely be the biological father of, I would submit without a fight to anything they demanded of me. And so, when they started walking me to the door, I merely dropped my head and let them, the blood drying on my cheek and Alex's sweatshirt as I walked. Hopefully, Alex had been able to contact Letty and let her know what was going on. Hopefully, I would be free in less than the forty eight hours in which they had promised to release me. Faith and love had gotten me through everything before this. God help me, I hoped it would get me through this.

My rapists perp walked me through the hotel and out the front door to a car parked up on the entrance drive. I was humiliated. People stared at the red head being led out in cuffs by two obviously federal agents. Talk about insult to injury, but I didn't say or do anything, looking up only as the shorter of the two men pushed my head down to put me in the car. My eyes traveled what I could see of the lobby through the glass doors. Alex was standing there, my cell phone pressed to her ear, speaking very firmly with a clerk who was looking down at a monitor in front of him, nodding. _God, _I thought, _If it's okay with you, I'm going to marry her some day._ Hell, even if He wasn't okay with it. She was brilliant and brave, and I snatched the hope seeing her already acting to get me and Tem out of this mess.

_Sundown. I'll be back to her by sundown, _I thought, tucking my feet in the car as the door shut. _Anything else between now and then, I can survive. Because, I'll be back to her by sundown._

The blond got in the front, the other man sliding into the back seat with me. Instinctively, I pressed myself closer to the window, trying to get further from him. He placed his hand on my thigh, forcing his fingers between my legs even as I squeezed them tighter together. I bit my lip, then had an idea. "What's your name?" I asked. "If I'm going to be spending two days as your hostage, then I ought to have something to call you."

"I'm Jesse," caramel man said, "And, my partner is Andy. Casey, we really are with NCIS, and our first priority really is protecting the government."

"Even when the government is the criminal? They fed David those pills knowing full well what it might do to him. And, now, when their mistake has reared its ugly head, they send you two in to clean up the problem. Do they even know what you did to me?" I was angry, and angry, I didn't always think before I opened my mouth. I took after my mother in that respect.

He squeezed my thigh. "To be honest, we volunteered for the assignment. I don't know about Andy, but I had a lot of fun with you. It took some time to break you, and I like that in a woman."

I looked at him in disgust. "You talk like it was all consensual."

He shrugged. I had no idea someone could be so callous as to the consent of the other party. Most of them at least tried to argue that the sex was consensual. He knew it was not, and hadn't even tried to justify himself.

"I'll have you charged with kidnapping, tampering with a witness, assault with a deadly weapon, and felony menacing," I growled through clenched teeth.

Jesse shook his head. "National security trumps your independence, Casey. And, when I say you fought us and we needed to subdue you, they'll drop the other charges. Ever since 9-11, this country's been so terrified that any time you mention national security, people will bend over and let you fuck them in the ass if they think it'll protect them from the terrorists."

"But, this is the government. The American government. People can't really be that blind, can they?" I started crying, not because of them but because they were right.

Jesse looked at me like I was some kind of thing to be pitied. "You really are naïve if you think that people actually know anything about what's going on in their government, Casey. I thought you were smarter than that."

His hand traveled up my thighs again, to the top of my jeans, his fingers playing with the button. I stared at him, wide eyes, head shaking. He didn't stop. His fingers traveled into my pants. I yelped and kicked out, twisting my body even with the cuffs on to get him out of my clothes. I panted, panicked.

"Jesse," Andy said from the front, his voice gruff. I had kicked his seat when I had moved, and he had to correct his steering. "Not right now. At the house, you can do whatever you wan,t but right now, we're going sixty miles an hour down the highway.

Jesse smirked at me. "I could hogtie her so she doesn't kick."

"Just wait until we get to the fucking safehouse."

Safe my ass. But, Jesse sat back, no longer touching me. I crawled against the window, pressing my face to the cool glass. My cheek was swollen from being pistol whipped, but I thought the bleeding had mostly stopped. Still, the slight trickle I could feel down my neck told me I would be needing stitches.

An hour and a half passed in silence except for the radio which Andy turned on once we had left the city. The few cars we passed almost disappeared entirely, transforming into semi trucks. I tried to count the number of truck stops we passed as we drove down a smaller highway than the interstate we had started out on. If we had to stop and get gas, I was making a break for it. I didn't Jesse to let m go after the hearing. Andy, maybe. He didn't seem all that interested in me. Jesse, though, wouldn't stop giving me a sick smile the entire time, as if he were imagining what he would do to me whenever we arrived at our destination.

I shuddered as he reached out to touch me. "Jesse," Andy warned. "You'll have two days to satisfy yourself. Just remember to use a condom."

Jesse looked at me. "You on the pill?"

I nodded, lying. If he was going to rape me, I wanted as much evidence as humanly possible. If he didn't use a condom, I was going to be sick, but at least I knew where to look to match his DNA for proof. Speaking of medication, though, I wondered what would happen if I missed those doses of blood thinner or the steroids. Would missing two days really kill me? But, what if I was gone longer than two days?

We eventually pulled into a gravel drive way, and Andy parked the car in front of the barn. I watched two cows approach the fence, another one off in the distance rooting through the thin layer of snow covering the ground for the good grasses. "Cliche," I mumbled. "Kind of boring." So, I'm sassy when I'm pissed off and my life is in danger. Call it a minor character flaw. Okay, maybe call it more than minor.

Rapist number one cut the engine with a snarl. "As of right now, you have your own room in the fucking house, but if you keep this up, I won't hesitate to tie you up outside."

"Mm," I growled, licking my lips seductively. "I just bet that would get you off something fierce, wouldn't it? Raping someone who's already helpless by tying them to a post outside. I'd be like a fucking dog, huh? Is that what you like? Fucking dogs? Because you haven't tried to touch me since you cuffed me. Unlike boyfriend here who can't seem to keep his hands off me." I spat on him only to find myself rocking back into the door, fist in my face. The door opened rapidly behind me, and I all but fell out. Hands reached forward and helped me out of the car, throwing me to the ground. I had not recovered fast enough from the blow to notice that Andy had gotten out of the car.

I yelped as his foot connected with my hip once before pinning me down onto the ground. "I don't want to have to beat you into submission for something so short as a two day stay, Casey, but believe me, I will. If you play nice, you'll get out of here hardly worse for the wear. Fight us, and you'll have more than just a pretty little cut on your cheek to show for your efforts." Andy's voice was eerily calm, and I didn't like that he didn't get worked up in the least threatening me. Again, how had I wound up with four of the most improbable men in my life? Alex was right. I couldn't catch a goddamn, motherfucking break. It took everything I had not to cry.

Grabbing me under the arm, Jesse half dragged, half lifted me into the house. I managed to get to my feet, just barely, before he yanked me up the stairs to the second story. He opened a door at the end of the hall and shoved me through the hole in the wall to a small bedroom, a single bed pushed up against a wall. I stumbled into the room, still cuffed and off balance, just managing to catch my feet under me as the door slammed shut. Jesse shoved me backwards to the bed, pushing me flat on my back.

"No, please, don't. Jesse, please. I'll do anything you want, just not, not there." I bit my lip. His hands pushed my sweatshirt and tank top up anyway, pushing them until they covered my face. They wouldn't come off until he removed the handcuffs. I tried to wiggle out from beneath him, but he pushed his knee into my stomach. Instantly, my body protested. Tem protested. I cried out. "Okay. Please, don't hurt me. Don't make it hurt."

The pressure on my stomach eased, and he moved off me. I remained perfectly still as he pulled my jeans off. It was then that I realized there were no sheets on the bed. I wondered why that was, but I didn't ask as he pulled my jeans down. Obedient and afraid of him hurting Tem, I lifted my hips to make it easier on him. "Good girl," he murmured, his hands petting my thighs. "Sit up."

He reached over and helped me to sit, working the sweatshirt over my head and down as far as the cuffs would let him. "I'm going to uncuff you, but you'll be locked in this room. You can't have anything you could use to escape. If you try to kill yourself, well, that's up to you. He moved to my wrists. "Now, remember, Andy may be opposed to beating the living shit out of you, but I am not. Then, I'll tie you to the bed so you can't do shit the entire time you're here. Got me?"

I nodded, and the cuffs fell away. He took my clothes with them, throwing them by the door. I rubbed my red, bruised wrists in a vain attempt to relieve the sting. It didn't really work. "I'm cold," I whispered.

"We'll turn up the heat," he said as he sat back down on the bed beside me. "Please don't rape me."

I cried out as he grabbed my wrists in his hands and forced me to lay back on the bed. My heart nearly came through my throat at the weight of his body keeping me down. "Open your eyes, Casey. You got lucky last time, but I have to admit, I much prefer when a woman looks me in the eyes. I like to see her fear." Oh, God, was I afraid, even more so as I stared up at him. _Obey, and he's less likely to hurt Tem._ He used his body to force my legs apart, pressing his going against mine; even through the cloth of his suit and my underwear, I knew he was hard.

I shook my head furiously back and forth until he transferred my wrists into one hand and grabbed my chin with the other. "I can't wait to see your perfect porcelain body take every last inch of me again. That's such a rare talent you have, Casey. And, your throat was marvelous as well. I could let you do that all day." He made it sound like it was a privilege for him to rape me.

As is free hand moved from my face to the rest of my body, I went perfectly still. I imagined I was anywhere but this bedroom. If I thought hard enough, I could almost feel Alex's breath against my back as she kissed me in the apartment in New York City. I could hear her talk to Temperance, her voice filled with love and reverence. I could feel her hands around me as I drifted off to sleep, strong arms keeping me close to her body. She always slept between me and the door, an added layer of protection. She didn't think I noticed, but I did, and when I got back to her, I was going to tell her how much that small gesture meant to me.

I looked to the wall and imagined Tem's bedroom, which Alex had painted herself. I imagined the soft green and the antique creams of the furniture I had yet to order. I imagined the little lamb and the teddy in her room. I imagined the crib beneath the letters that spelled out my daughter's name. I imagined what it would be like to hold her tiny hand in mine, to watch her learn and grow and be better than her origins, better than me. I imagined Alex kissing our daughter's forehead and sending her off to school, the little girl racing off to play with her friends, not considering that having two mommies was anything less than normal. I imagined getting home from work to find Alex there. Hell, I even imagined working beside her at the DA's office. There was no way Branch would not offer her her job back in three years time. She was just too good, too dedicated.

I imagined all of that as I lay there, no longer aware of how much time had passed. By the time I heard a commotion outside, I was still laying naked on the bed, but there was no one else in the room with me. The light from outside was minimal, but it was still before sunset. I moved my legs slowly, finding them stiff and sore. I could already feel the bruises forming between them. I had completely dissociated myself. I had no idea what he had done to me, no idea when he had left. I didn't even remember him taking off that last layer of my clothing. I looked around the room. Everything was missing. There was nothing for me to put on the shield myself.

Stunned, I crawled off the bed, dropping to the floor with a thud. My body didn't feel like it would work properly. I felt drugged and wondered if I had been and just couldn't remember it. After he had done whatever he did to me, had he come back with a narcotic? Had he dosed me so I wouldn't try to escape? It seemed likely. Even naked, I would have tried to take off. I wondered if he had found the phone and what had happened to it.


	57. Chapter 57

I tried to crawl toward the window, wondering what the yelling I could hear outside was about. I pulled myself up to lean against the sill. Looking out, I saw men practically crawling around the farm. Wondering if they were on my side or theirs, and realizing if they were on theirs and they were going to hurt me that I was doomed anyway, I hit the glass of the window as hard as I could with my hand. The first person to look up had a mass of long blond hair flowing freely around her face. I couldn't see her face well enough, but I knew that stance. I knew that body almost as well as I knew my own. The Kevlar vest looked dark over the light shirt she was wearing, and she stood out in a sea of people in uniform.

Suddenly very tired, I screamed. What started out as her name became a wordless sound. Every breath out lengthened the scream. I slid down the wall from the window, hugging myself, huddled in a tiny mass as hands found me. Men's hands. I screamed louder, my muscles not cooperative enough to allow me to claw at them. Then, lips met mine and I was flooded by a citrus scent and the scent of salt, the kind that came from hours of crying. I clutched at the bullet proof vest with everything I had, and as she pulled away from my lips, she scooped me up. "It's okay, Casey. Sh. I'm here. I've got you."

I rolled my head against her, staring up at her. She glanced down with a soft smile that said she was so relieved to see me again. She had no idea just how relieved I was. No one touched her until we hit the bottom of the stairs and I felt someone lay a blanket over me. "Carry her to the ambulance, " a soft voice said. "We'll transport her to the hospital."

"I'm riding," Alex answered. "I won't let her out of my sight. Not again."

I closed my eyes and just breathed her in. "Sundown, Alex," I mumbled. "My Alex."

I felt her sit down, adjust me in her arms on the gurney in the back of the ambulance, the medic helping me get my feet up. Alex kissed my forehead. "My Casey. My beautiful, sweet Casey."

I reached up and touched her face with one hand, the medic taking my other arm and palpating for a good vein. I pulled my arm away. "Casey, you have to let the medic put the IV in. You need the saline." She coaxed the muscles in my arm to relax, holding my arm out like an offering to the medic.

I rolled my head to look at him. "Don't make it hurt."

"It'll pinch, Casey." I bit my lip, shaking my head. "Look at your girlfriend, Casey." He waited for me to turn to look at Alex before pushing the needle into my vein. I jumped with a scream, not because it hurt but because he was touching me. He quickly wrapped and taped the IV onto my arm so I couldn't yank it out then let me go as I pulled away, clinging to Alex's vest. "It's okay, Casey. It's all done."

I almost crawled up Alex's body to get away from the medic. "Out," I whispered. "Want out. Want out. Not in the bus. Need air." My thoughts and my sentences were incomplete and scattered at best. I felt like I was swimming in a world shaded by a heavy, almost metallic gray. It pressed against my mind like great hands, squeezing me out of myself. I was going to crawl out of me skin. Had they given me something? Or, had I become so absent, so terrified, that psychologically, I had done this to myself?

Something pressed over my face, air pushing against my nostril. I shook my head. "Don't fight it, Casey," Alex murmured. "It'll help you breathe." I knew that. I just didn't want it touching me. It was touching me. I started to cry but stopped fighting the non-rebreather mask.

"Casey, are you in any pain?" the medic asked. I shook my head, pulling away from him.

Alex stroked my hand, her fingers interlocking in mine. "Honey, I'm here, okay. I'm not going anywhere. You did so good. You kept the phone with you so we could find you. You protected yourself and Temperance. I should have been there for you."

"No," I muttered. "No. Hide. Needed to call Letty. Stay away from them." I stared up at her, holding my hand over the mask and inhaling deeply, fighting every animal instinct my civilized brain still held for the ability to think and communicate effectively with my forebrain. I was a human, damn it. Not everything was about fight or food. This was not a fight. I was safe because I didn't have to fight Alex, I knew her. I focused on that, on everything I knew about her, to the exclusion of the medic sitting in the ambulance with me trying his best to touch me as few times as possible while still administering prehospital care. I understood his plight. How do you treat someone who's just come out of Hell where no one knows what happened to her? Understanding made me a little less afraid, and when I saw him pull the blood pressure cuff and stethoscope from a cubby, I offered my arm and looked away. "Where are they?"

Alex shook her head. "They're gone, Casey. I'm sorry. They were gone by the time the police arrived. Who were they?"

"NCIS," I answered, my voice tight in my throat. "Alex, I'm cold. I can't feel my fingers."

"Hold on, Casey. That room was freezing." She rubbed her hands up and down my arms to keep me warm. "Do we have another blanket? She's like ice." It took me a few long moments to realize that she wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the medic. I felt something fall over me with a crinkle, and I shivered. "Honey, you're safe right now. You're safe right now."

"No," I protested, moving the mask off my face. My body was completely drained.

"Casey, did they give you something?" This from the medic.

"I don't know," I muttered. "I don't remember. I don't know." Alex's hand over mine gently guided the oxygen mask back to my face.

The medic's hands fell softly at my arms, squeezing just slightly. "Let me know if something hurts, okay?" A back board was basically out of the question without a serious fight and some tranquilizers. He must have recognized as much because he never tried to touch my neck or face, as though he knew I would lose what sparse control I even had. I could still taste blood from my open face wound, and I knew that would need stitches. My cheek felt swollen. I hadn't felt the pain initially because the adrenaline had blocked it out. If the desire to survive was strong enough sometimes, pain just vanished.

Fight, flight, or freeze. I had frozen. I had become unable to move on that bed, but in so doing, I had also fled in the mental sense. I had checked out. I could have laid there for hours alone and not known it. Or, Jesse could have been with me the vast majority of the time. I had no idea. I didn't know what was said to me or what I had said. Had any words passed after I begged him not to touch me again? Other than the ache I felt from a beating I didn't remember, had he done anything to me? Had I, even in the absent state, fought back? Was that why he beat me? Or, had he beaten me because I didn't react, because I was so far checked out that he couldn't get the response from me he needed for his power trip? I had the sudden thought that with me so checked out, he might not have been able to even get an erection. He had told me that the fear in a woman's eyes was what did it for him. Had I looked afraid? Or, had I looked as I felt? Blank, empty, vacant. Without warning, I laughed, the medic pulling away from my shoulders, not sure if he had done something wrong. I laughed until I cried, the only sounds in the back of the ambulance coming from my mouth.

The medic had continued his assessment, possibly thinking I was just this side of mental, which probably wasn't inaccurate. I jerked when he touched my elbow, and he paused to examine it briefly. "It's just a contusion," he said, his voice calm as Alex stroked my hair. I was calming down, too. It was impossible not to. I associated Alex with love and safety and happiness. I had been a medic and knew that ambulances took people who were hurt to safe places. I might not have always liked hospitals as a medic because I tended to butt heads with nurses, but I had been in the medic's place once before. His job, even though I didn't know him, the back of the bus, were things I also associated with safety. He continued until he reached my ribs. I jerked again, gasping. "Casey, I'm going to need to lift the blanket to check you out, okay? Alex is going to be here the whole time, though."

I bit my lip, nodding my consent. He would have moved the blanket anyway. My life was more important than my comfort level, but it was sweet of him to make the effort. My hand clenched around Alex's. Jesse had reopened a wound I hadn't closed, but had managed to ignore. When he exposed my ribs and stomach, I felt Alex's hand tighten around mine, and I wondered what had happened that I had missed. "You have bruises on your ribs, Casey. An x-ray will tell if they're broken. I'm going to listen to your lungs, though, and make sure they're both still clear."

He pressed the stethoscope against my chest, and I drew in a shaking breath. "It's okay, Casey. Relax."

"I can't," I mumbled, ashamed of myself. But, I tried, at least while I breathed.

The medic sat back, slinging the device haphazardly about his neck. I remembered doing the same thing, except my stethoscope was green. His was black. "Clear," he said with a soft smile. He continued to press strategically on my body until he reached my lower stomach. He barely placed any pressure there at all, and I screamed, arching my back before I could even control myself.

"Stop. Don't touch me. Oh, God." I rolled over and vomited on the floor of the bus, the pain still ricocheting through my every nerve fiber.

From somewhere above me, I heard Alex say, "She's pregnant," and my mind jumped immediately to Temperance. A fresh wave of panic flooded my mind as I wondered if my baby was okay. My daughter, not his, not theirs, no one else's child but mine and Alex's.

"I take it back," I whispered, no longer talking to anyone in the bus. I was slipping out of myself again, away to a safer place, where no one could touch Tem. "I take it back. I don't care what her skin color is or her hair color or her eyes as long as she's okay. Please, just make her okay. I won't love her any less."

Alex's fingers squeezed mine. "Casey, honey, what do you mean you don't care what skin color she has?" I rolled my eyes up to her, but I didn't think I needed to answer the question. She hugged herself around me as I lay in her lap, understanding the implications of me having a multiracial child. It wouldn't matter in the child's character, but the fewer features of mine that she had, the harsher the memory stood to be. Though, maybe, just maybe, I could separate myself from it entirely. Her appearance was the only thing I was still hung up on. If I could get beyond that, I knew I could do it and be the positive influence I wanted to be.

The medic had checked the outside of my legs, but even as I scooted up a little in Alex's lap to alleviate the ache and look down my body, I knew it was going to hurt to walk for a while. A dark bruise was already spreading from my left hip to the inside of the same thigh. I couldn't quite see the bruises on my ribs, but if I focused, I could feel them when I inhaled. They stung, so I tried to breathe shallow. Alex helped me to sit up, sliding out from behind me and letting me lean against the seat. "Lean forward, Casey," she murmured, softly. I complied, and she wrapped the blanket around me. The medic wordlessly handed her two other blankets, and she used them to carefully cover me as the bus pulled to a stop, the engine cutting.

A flood of cold air washed over me, and I bounced out of the ambulance, Alex remaining within touching distance even as we walked through the doors. I shielded my face from the bright lights of the hospital, an older woman greeting us from behind a desk. "29 year old female, Weld County SO called it in," the medic said.

"Trauma 11," the woman responded, and I couldn't tell if she was a nurse or a unit secretary. I didn't know if it mattered. They wheeled me down the isle, past doors with lights on and people sitting in beds, past doors that were dark, the occupants asleep, past people screaming, and crying, and generally not making a single noise.

They leveled the gurney beside the bed and unclipped the seat belt from around my waist. "Casey, can you scoot over?" the medic who had driven asked me as the other medic gave the pass on to the doctor in the room. I nodded, and with his help and Alex's, I managed to get into the bed. I let go of the medic's hand, but not Alex's, and the blond woman moved behind my head, still holding my hand, her other hand against my non-injured cheek to reassure me she was still there. I appreciated that she knew enough to get out of the way but was also not willing to let me go.

"Who are you?" one of the nurses asked Alex, and I looked up at her to judge her response. I knew there would be a strong likelihood that they would try to kick Alex out of the room, but I wasn't about to let her go.

"She doesn't leave," I said, my voice tired.

Alex stroked my hair from my face. "I'm Alex," she said, her voice much more strong than mine. I was just so very tired. "Casey's my partner, my wife." I felt her lift my hand and bring my knuckles to her lips. "And, I'm not going anywhere."

The nurse regarded us each for a moment, and I knew what she was thinking. Alex was wearing a Kevlar vest. I didn't know what it said, but I would bet that it was either a loner from the police department in which case if had 'POLICE' emblazoned in large, white lettering. Or, it was from the Marshal's office in which case it had 'U.S. MARSHAL' across it. And, then there was me, bruised and afraid. The nurse was likely informed that I had been kidnapped because that would be important to speak to my state of mind and cooperation. No way would medical staff tear a cop out of a room without absolute need. It didn't matter that Alex wasn't a cop, that we were both merely witnesses in a case. What mattered was that she appeared to be one, and that seemed to make the nurse's decision more than Alex's words.

"Alright. If we need to move you, though, we will." The woman turned and regarded me again with professional eyes that said she had seen too much to be moved any longer. "Now, Casey, do you think you can change into a gown for me?"

I nodded. "Can I have more blankets? I'm cold."

The nurse nodded. "Sure. While you change, I'll go get you a couple." She handed me a hospital gown, and I shed the blanket from my shoulders just long enough for Alex to help me feed my arms through those holes and tie the gown around my back before she wrapped me up again. My skin was still freezing. I couldn't seem to temperature regulate, and that was kind of scary.

Alex pulled up a chair beside me and took my hand again. I smiled weakly at her. "I'm not leaving you, Casey," she told me, her voice soft. I could see the tears she was fighting begin to bubble in her eyes, and I felt bad for putting them there. If she were never a part of my mess, she would be okay. She might not be happy, but at least she wouldn't be miserable. "These men who did this, did you know them? I heard you in the hotel room."

I bit my lip so hard I drew blood, and the metallic taste over my tongue was what made me relax my jaw. I felt someone press a paper towel over my lip. "Casey, I'm sorry. You don't have to talk about."

I shook my head. "Jesse and Andy. Jesse is Caucasian-African American, six foot, brown hair, brown eyes. Andy's at least six two, blond hair, blue eyes. Either one is as likely to be Tem's biological father as David or Tommy."

"Casey, you can tell the police whatever you want, but I need to know so I can help you. Did either of them rape you again?"

I shook my head. "Not Andy. I don't think Jesse did, either, but I don't know. I don't remember."

Alex nodded. "Will you let them do a rape kit?" I bit my lip and shook my head. "Why not?"

"I don't know if he raped me, Alex. And, quite frankly, I don't want to."

She nodded. "Okay," she agreed, and I felt myself relax. "Do you remember them beating you?" Again, I shook my head. "Okay." She kissed my hand, her lips pressed into my palm like she would rather become a part of me than stop. "Casey, no matter what, you know I'm here, right?"

"Yea," I said. "You saved me. Again. Thank you."

"I wasn't going to let them have you, Casey."

"What happened?" I asked.

Alex dropped the bed rail and scooted closer, her other hand resting very softly on my stomach. She seemed careful to not place any pressure there. "Does this still hurt?" she asked. I shook my head. "Good." She paused, exhaling slowly. "When you left the bedroom, I called Letty and told her what you told me. Then, I followed them out of the room and down the stairs. When I saw them take you to that car, I told the guy at the front desk that I needed the license plate of that car. He pulled it for me off the security camera in the entrance, and I gave that to Monica. I told her you had my phone, and they opened up the line on it, Casey. I asked Monica, and she said they would have everything said within a particular distance and volume that the cell's microphone can pick up recorded and your GPS location."

"Why did it take so long?" I asked her.

She stroked her thumb along my fingers. "You'll have to ask Monica about all the exact steps, but from what I understand, they notified all law enforcement agencies to not pull over that vehicle under any circumstances. The vehicle itself didn't return to any federal agency, but the registered owner of the vehicle was fake. They determined that they were driving to Weld County and contacted the Sheriff's Office there and asked to bring in their SWAT team, or whichever department's SWAT team they use. When the mic went out at the farm, we all kind of panicked. I was worried what they would do to you since they found your phone, but they seemed to have just left the farm and you on it. They did the search of the farm and were just getting ready to break in to the house when you started pounding on the window."

"The mic recorded what they said to me?" I asked, staring at her. I had known that kind of technology existed. In fact, with the post 9-11 federal acts, I suspected that the federal government was doing that, but I had no idea how easy it was for them. Of course, in this kind of case, they wouldn't have needed a warrant before 9-11, either, but it was both fascinating and frightening.

Alex nodded. "Did you hear anything?" I asked. She shook her head. "Good. I don't want you to."

Her fingers laced through mine. "Casey, honey, you don't have to keep everything that happened to yourself. It's a heavy burden to bear alone."

I shook my head. "Thanks, Alex, but, no. Not right now."

"Okay." She held my hand in silence for several minutes until the nurse and doctor returned, toting with them a portable ultrasound machine. I held Alex's hand tighter. I wasn't letting her leave, no matter what they did to me, except if they took an x-ray. Then, I didn't want her exposed to the rays, but otherwise, I needed her touch. It would help me stay sane.

"Casey, I'm Doctor Rykovich. I'm a trauma doctor in the ER here. When you came in, the medic said you were hurting in your lower abdomen?" I nodded as I stared at the woman. She was shorter than me with dark, long brown hair. She looked mostly Asian which did not fit her name, and while I didn't care about the race of my doctor, I did notice that she was nothing like the five foot eight male doctor who had initially been in the room. Had they cautioned male staff out of the room? I didn't know, and if they had, I didn't care. I preferred it that way. Right now, another man's hands on my body would just about push me over the edge. My threshold was a lot lower than I would have cared to admit, but it was being pushed nonetheless.

"Do you mind if I take a look. I'd like to get an ultrasound of the baby, too. How far along are you?"

"Twenty five weeks on Sunday," I said, biting my lip as I pushed the blankets aside. "And, my stomach doesn't hurt unless you push on it."

She nodded, folding the blankets at my pelvic bone and the gown at my breasts so that my genitals and chest were covered but she could easily see my full abdomen. The bruise that I had seen in the ambulance seemed even darker in the bright light of the hospital. It crept up from beneath the blanket and over my pelvic bone on my left. On impulse, I touched it gently. "How did you get that?" she asked me.

"I don't remember," I said.

The doctor nodded. "Do you think you hit your head?"

I shook my head. "I just checked out."

"Okay. I'm going to have a nurse draw some blood from your line. We're going to try to prick and poke you as little as possible." I nodded. "You've got a lot of minor bruising around your ribs. Does it hurt to breathe?"

"Not really. Just aches," I said with a half shrug. "I don't think anything's broken."

The doctor nodded again. "Do you have any significant medical history?"

"I was shot three months ago in the chest. The bullet just missed my heart. I've been on blood thinners and steroids ever since. I had a partial miscarriage of my baby's twin a couple of days prior to being shot." I looked to Alex as if to ask 'what else?'

"While she was in the hospital after the shooting," Alex said, "her heart stopped three times over the course of three days."

The doctor nodded. "When was the last time you took your blood thinner?"

"Yesterday morning," I said. "I was supposed to take it this morning, too, but I missed the dose because I was kidnapped before that."

"Okay. Once we establish that you're not bleeding internally, I'll look into getting you caught back up on dosing. But, I want to make sure there's nothing going on internally before I do that." I nodded. That made sense. Her tone because serious and soft. "Casey, I need to ask you a personal question about something the police told me. Is it okay to ask?"

She meant 'should Alex leave?' I nodded. "Yea, it's fine."

"I understand the police found you naked in the house?" I nodded. "Casey, did they rape you?"

I shook my head. "No. He took my clothes from me so I wouldn't try to escape. There was a window in the room, and he thought I would try to climb through it and get away."

The doctor nodded, but it was the nod that said she wasn't quite sure whether or not to believe me. It was improbable that I would have believed me. I couldn't remember being beaten, but I could remember not being raped. Yea. Likely. "Alright. Let me know if anything hurts, okay?" She pressed gently on my upper abdomen. I cringed but didn't say anything. He had, at the very least, pressed his weight into my stomach when I had first refused him. I expected that to hurt. Her fingers pressed over the lower area of my abdomen, where the medic had pressed, and I cried out again, clamping my hand over my mouth.

"It's alright," Alex murmured, stroking my hand. "It hurts. It's okay to scream." I shook my head. "Why not?"

I turned to look at her, my eyes wide, hand still clamped over my mouth. I didn't know how to communicate to her why I couldn't scream, why that wasn't okay. I had done so much screaming. But, if I screamed, if something was wrong with Tem, God help me, I would die.

"Casey, we're going to do an ultrasound to check on the baby. I think your pain is too low for your uterus, but if you're more than six months, you should also be showing, and you're not, so your uterus may be lower than normal." I looked back at the doctor, relaxing my hand from my mouth. I nodded, and she squirted the gel onto my stomach, eyes fixed on the screen.

The nurse carefully approached me. "Casey, I'm Hannah. I'm your nurse tonight. Can I have your arm to take blood samples?" I held my hand out, and she pulled a tray she had set up without my even noticing closer to her. She pulled blood through the IV, flushing it when she was done, in silence. I just stared at Alex.

A knock on the door startled me, and I jumped as I turned and looked at the police officer standing in the door. "Hey, we need a statement and pictures when you get the chance," the officer said to Hannah as she looked up, the doctor ignoring the cop.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "It's not your jurisdiction. You don't get either."

The officer looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about. "The crime occurred in the county, Miss Novak," he said, trying to be gentle but clearly not known for his patience. "That makes it our jurisdiction."

I shook my head. "First of all, the crime originated in the city of Denver. That would, normally, make it their jurisdiction. You would have second crack if you wanted to, and you have jurisdiction over the house you found me in, but not the kidnapping. Big difference. And, even Denver doesn't have jurisdiction over the kidnapping because it is in correlation with a federal case."

"We still need pictures and a statement. It doesn't matter who prosecutes it."

I stared at him, hard. "Actually, it does. Don't mistake a broken body for an idle mind, Officer."

Alex pressed her fingers to my lips, silencing me as I became worked up, my heart rate increasing along with my respiratory rate. "Casey," she cautioned. "You need to relax." She turned to the officer. "With all due respect, this matter is federal. I appreciate your assistance in locating and retrieving Miss Novak, but Weld County will not be prosecuting, so there is no need to a deputy to take her statement or gather evidence. If you have a problem with it, have your DA speak with the federal prosecutor on the case. Otherwise, you're stressing Casey out. I'll kindly ask you to leave."

He eyes Alex with suspicion. "Who are you?"

Alex pulled something off her jeans that I hadn't noticed in the ambulance or in the house. The shiny badge she had been given when she was deputized hung from her fingers. He examined the badge. "Fine, you want it, your case. I'll have my guys leave."

"That would be appreciated. Thank you." She was curt and cold, but I didn't mind. It got him out of the room. I'd met a few gruff cops in my lifetime, several who didn't do well with victims, and he was one of them. He probably had great talents elsewhere, but why they had sent him into my room was beyond me.


	58. Chapter 58

The doctor did not look up until after the officer left, the door closing behind him. I couldn't tell if police officers made her uncomfortable or just that one, and if just that one, why him? But, her silence and her focus on the creature inside of me had told me that she had less than kind things to say to and about him. Her method of refraining from saying something was focusing on her work. It was my method, too. At least I could recognize that in myself. Maybe I was growing up. Just a little.

"Do you want to see your baby?" she asked. Alex looked to me for guidance on that one. I didn't think she had ever been there when I had an ultrasound. I couldn't remember her sneaking out with me to an appointment. In fact, I was pretty sure other than the still photos, she had seen nothing of the baby. But, my entire memory was hazy even though my thoughts were much clearer in the emergency room than they had been in the back of the ambulance.

"You've never seen her live, have you?" I asked. She shook her head. "Go ahead. She's something else when you can see her on the screen and know that she's so very close you could almost touch her." I looked to the doctor. "Do you have a stethoscope she can listen to her heart beat with?"

Alex smiled softly at me but looked as excited as a cat with catnip when Rykovich turned the screen to face us better, handing Alex the stethoscope from around her neck. "Oh my God," Alex breathed, her fingers reaching out to the screen. "That's her? That's Temperance?" I nodded. "She's so big and you're so-" She looked at me. "Tiny."

I chuckled almost darkly. All four men were at least two inches taller than I was. There was no genetic means that Tem would be a small child in any way, shape, or form. I was considered on the small end in my family. "I haven't gained any weight. I'm trying. My OB keeps getting on me about it."

The ER doctor nodded her assent. "I'd say you need to put on at least fifteen pounds, Casey, to be safe. Otherwise, your body's going to stop giving nutrients to Temperance in order to preserve them for you."

I nodded. "I'm chronically anemic, too, so it doesn't really help the situation."

"No," Rykovich agreed. "It does not. I'll have pharmacy come in and take down a list of your medications. If there's anything we need to give you tonight, we will. Otherwise, I'm hoping that pending your blood tests, you'll be clean enough to go home by midnight. That's the hope, not a guarantee."

"What would stop me?" I asked, shivering and pulling the blanket around my shoulders tighter.

"Anything unusual in the blood – narcotics, medications that you're not prescribed, or something that might upset the baby within the next twenty four to forty eight hours. It would be dangerous to discharge you and have you go into preterm labor somewhere else."

I frowned. "What's the likelihood of that happening?"

"Based on your physical trauma presentations, particularly around your stomach, thighs, and vagina, I'm surprised you haven't already. Coupled with the high level of stress you were under, I'd say this baby really wants to stay in."

"Good. She's not far enough along to make it very well."

"I'm going to give you a steroid that will help with her lung development. I'll start you with one tonight after the blood tests come back."

"I'm on a steroid for my heart," I reminded her. "That means Tem gets a steroid daily, too. I don't know how this effects what you give her or how much."

"I'll calculate that into it." She turned to Alex. "Place the buds in your ears. Let's give you a listen to your daughter's heart." Rykovich moved the stethoscope around on my stomach near where the baby was, asking Alex if she could hear it well until Alex agreed that she could.

"Holy shit," Alex breathed. "Casey, that's so-" She sat up, pulling the ear buds from her ears. She stared at me with wide eyes, her chest rising and falling as her breathing accelerated, smile almost ear to ear. "She's so real and alive and beautiful and perfect, Casey."

Biting my lip, I pointed at the screen. "Keep talking, Alex," I whispered, "but watch the screen."

"Temperance, can you hear me?" Alex asked, scooting down so that she was right beside my stomach, her eyes peeking over my hips at the screen. I watched her watch Tem. I could feel the baby inside me moving around. It was so much better to see the wonder and awe on Alex's face. "I love you, Baby, and I'm glad you're safe right now. You're so beautiful, you know that. You and your Mommy both. And, I love you both so very much. I hope you know that."

The blond at my hip gasped when the baby stretched her legs out, her arms twitching just slightly. I couldn't feel the arms, but I could see them move from the corner of my eye as I glanced at the doctor who seemed to not care that I was a girl and Alex was a girl. Any personal feelings she had were hidden by professionalism. "I saw that. Holy shit, Casey, I saw that."

I lay my hand on her head, stroking her hair. "I know, Alex."

"That was amazing."

"You should sing to her," I murmured. Alex had a wonderful singing voice, and I knew she was not shy about singing in public. Alex wasn't shy about doing anything in public. "She wiggles to the sound of you singing like she's dancing her way out of me. Except when you rock me and sing. Then, she falls asleep."

Alex beamed. "So do you."

"You're gifted," I purred.

Alex took my hand and kissed it, holding it near her cheek, her eyes glued to the screen again. "My gift is my song," she sang, her voice low so as not to carry far, and I smiled. I was familiar with the song, and I thought it adorable that she had picked that song to get Tem to move. "And, this one's for you. And, you can tell everybody that this is your song; it may be quite simple, but now that it's done, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now that you're in the world." She kissed my hand again, watching as Tem squirmed on the screen until she gave herself hiccups.

I laughed at the sensation until Tem's arm jerked up, pressing against the spot that hurt. I tried not to do or say anything. Alex was so enraptured with the screen that I didn't want to alarm her, but both she and the doctor noticed. I should have known getting anything past her was impossible. "Casey, what's wrong?" she asked, eyes snapping from the screen to me and back again as though she weren't sure what caused it.

The doctor moved the wand over to where Tem's hands were since they were mostly off screen. She looked at the area completely before humming. "Yea. You have a small pocket of blood developing between the placenta and your uterine wall. It's barely noticeable, and I would think that a couple of days bed rest will allow that to heal. It probably occurred with the physical assault since you're otherwise very young and Caucasian. I haven't noticed any vaginal bleeding which is what tells me it isn't bad. But, the pain is probably a combination of the bruise from the strike and the tenderness of your uterus."

I whimpered as Tem flexed again, stretching herself further against the injury. "Baby, stop it," I muttered. "God, please stop hurting Mommy." Her hand retracted back to her chest as though she knew. I felt guilty for a moment, wondering if she felt guilty, too. She hadn't meant to hurt me. I ought to be kinder to her in the future. "I'm sorry, Baby. I didn't mean to be angry."

Alex kissed my hand. "Honey, you weren't angry. That hurt. It's alright."

"How long will I be hospitalized?" I asked, afraid of sleeping in a hospital again. The last time I slept in a hospital, I nearly did not wake up.

"It'll still depend on your blood test. I definitely want to get Tem a dose of steroids before you go, though. And, then, if you stay in bed and actually rest for the next day or two, I would imagine that the abruption will actually heal itself. It's very tiny. You should be good to go by the weekend as long as you continue to take it easy for a few weeks after. In fact, since it's the holidays and you're recovering, it might be a good time to take time off from work and just relax."

I nodded. "I don't go back until the beginning of January," I said.

"What about late January, early February? The more time you can spend off your feet and relaxing, the more likely you are to carry to term. Stress induces preterm labor, and you've been through a lot. More stress, work stress, might not be the ideal thing to add right now. Plus, with one abruption now, you're more likely to get more down the road."

I bit my lip. "Maybe," I said, looking at Alex. I didn't want to be in New York alone.

"Can she fly?" Alex asked. The doctor considered it and then nodded. "Can she fly from here to New York and then New York to Ireland?"

"Will you sit the entire time?" the doctor asked me.

"Except when I need to pee, ya."

"Then, I don't see why not. Are you two headed out of the country?"

I nodded. "I don't think I can go home right now, but I damn well can't stay here."

"I hear Ireland is beautiful this time of year."

"It is," Alex murmured. "And, I'll have a red haired Celt to take with me this time." She kissed my forehead. "If you still want to go."

"Yes," I whispered. "Oh, God, yes. Don't make me go back to New York. Or Denver. Or Santa Fe. I love you, but I need away from all of this. Really and truly away."

Alex brushed a tear from my cheek. "I'm so sorry about all of this, I am, Casey. If I could change it, place me in your shoes instead, I would. You don't deserve this."

I shook my head. "Neither do you." I pulled the gown down over myself as the doctor cleaned up the goop.

I was about to pull the blankets back around, too, when the doctor stopped me. "Casey, we're going to put you on the fetal heart monitor as well, okay? Tem's heart rate is going to be a good indicator as to whether or not the abruption is getting worse. There won't be any sound that you'll hear, but don't worry because I'm going to turn the sound off. You also won't see any numbers or statistics on the screen. It'll all go through to the nurses' desk. If you feel off or anything change, though, let us know, okay?"

She slipped the two bands around my waist, adjusting them until she was satisfied that they were monitoring the baby's heart rate. "Okay. Sounds good. Just lay back and try to relax. I'm not going to give you any anticoagulant until we can assess the rate of bleeding in your uterus, so I'll be back in about an hour to check on that." She pushed the machine to the corner of the room. It was big and bulky and didn't really fit, but if they were going to regularly monitor me, there was no point in dragging the machine around the hospital every hour to do so.

"I don't know if the agents are going to question you or not, but if you start to feel panicked or need to take a breath, don't be afraid to ask for it." She looked at Alex. "You've got her covered if she needs it?"

"Yep." Alex nodded, squeezing my hand. "I'll throw people out, no problem." She flashed me a cheeky grin, and I shook my head. I had the feeling Alexandra Cabot liked bossing people around. It was a secret fetish or something of hers, even if it weren't sexual – she had never ordered me around in bed. Though, after the stint in the alley, I found myself wondering where else she would be so willing to have sex or what else she would be willing to do. It seemed Miss Prim and Proper Blond was far less prim or proper than I had ever imagined.

No sooner had Doc Rykovich left then there was a knock on the door. "Casey? Alex? It's Monica. Can I come in?" the voice on the other side of the door asked.

Holding my breath, I nodded. It was Alex who called out, "Come in, Monica." I couldn't speak. I wasn't sure how I felt about this any more. This was getting to be too dangerous for not only me, but Alex and Temperance. If Jesse and Andy had found Alex, what would they have done to her? Knowing full well what they had done to me once upon a time ago, what would they subject her to? I could not bear being responsible for that happening to her. As for Tem, if they had found out I was pregnant and each of them as likely to be the father as the other, what would they have done to her? Tem was developed enough that with severe medical intervention she could survive, but I did not want to risk that. And, without medical intervention – if I had gone into labor on the farm and given birth before I was rescued, Tem would likely have died. I also might have bled out between the natural complications of child birth and the fact that my blood took much longer to coagulate than most due to the medication I was on.

"How are you feeling?" Monica asked, standing demurely at the base of my bed.

I shrugged. "Honestly, I've been better, but I've been worse. Knowing full well what they could have done to me, I got out lucky." I stared at Alex. "All thanks to that damn cell phone."

Alex smiled and kissed my knuckles. "Never knew having a girlfriend in Witness Protection would actually come in handy, huh?" she teased, trying to keep the mood light.

"Yea." I looked back at Monica. "What was all that about? Did the DoD really want me sequestered?"

Monica shook her head. "That, I don't know. I may be the big bad prosecutor, but any corruption within individual agencies, I don't often know about unless I wind up prosecuting it. On one hand, I can believe that the order for that would come in. On the other hand, Jesse Donovan has had a warrant for his arrest for three months. He was suspended four months ago under investigation of sexually assaulting a female Marine in their custody. DNA evidence came back to the case, and a warrant was issued for his arrest. He's been AWOL ever since. Andrew Iverson was not suspended, though he was under investigation as to how much he knew about the rape or his partner's tendencies. They couldn't link him to anything solid, but he hasn't been in the office at all this week – ever since the judge allowed the DoD's motion for this hearing tomorrow. There's a BOLO and a Bring In ordered out on him with advisement that a solo agent is not to approach or arrest. His key card access into the federal buildings was deactivated."

I blinked, processing things slowly. Shivering, I drew my blankets tighter around me. Alex tucked the blankets at my legs under me, trapping the heat. "So, they were rogue?"

"Possibly," Monica said. "I'm not ruling out that an agency would stoop so low. It's happened before. There are some pretty famous examples." Tons, really. "But, it looks like they were getting intel from the case from an internal source and were acting on their own. When we catch up to them, there's a whole slew of charges pending. I know it's not particularly satisfying, Casey, but they're being hunted. And, I already secured arrest warrants for what they did to you. What we heard on the recording was more than enough."

I heard the hesitation in her voice. I licked my lips. "Go ahead, Monica. Ask."

"Casey, we all kind of assumed Temperance was David's. Is she?"

My hands suddenly became very interesting. It was one thing to tell SVU that I had been raped by four men on the same night. They had heard horror stories far worse than mine. It was one thing to tell Alex. She was my lover, and she deserved to know why I panicked sometimes when she kissed me or where my nightmares came from. Not only that, but I trusted her to help me through the rough patches, and help she had. Plus, she had literally plucked me from David's grasp, keeping me like a prized flower, turning my face to the good, to the sun, at every opportunity. I couldn't thank her enough, and lying by omission, I had learned from our plane trip to Denver, did neither of us any good. It was a whole different animal telling a near stranger, someone who would be using what I said to put my would be assassin in federal prison as well as my kidnappers once they were caught – and, I had to believe they would be caught lest I live the rest of my life in abject terror. Telling her that the three men she would be prosecuting were my rapists – on top of everything else – was a little mortifying. It changed the dynamics of the case as well. Don Cragen, Olivia Benson, and Odafin Tutuola were the only people in this world beside myself and Jensen, the prosecutor and defendant, who knew I was prosecuting my fourth rapist, though not for the crime he committed against me. The three cops, I could barely tolerate that they knew, but they had been surprisingly supportive, and I wondered if they had ever gone after someone who victimized someone else for a vendetta. Because, if I were honest with myself, I was still prosecuting Jensen because he deserved to be punished for what he did to the other women. But, I hadn't let anyone take the case from me because he deserved to be punished for what he did to me, and I wanted to be the bitch who slammed that door. I did not endeavor to tell anyone who was or might be an attorney, though. It was enough to get me disbarred.

I curled my hands over my stomach, rubbing gently. Temperance could feel me when I did that, and the thought that she was so aware made me smile. I thought about what it would be like to hold her and really see her for the first time, not through my womb, but in my arms. I had such mixed emotions about the whole ordeal. On one hand, I wanted so badly to see her, to hold her, to love her. On the other, I was so terrified if anything about her appearance could make me love her less, or, perhaps not love her less, but be less inclined to touch her when she cried or comfort her. I looked to Alex who was watching me with a mixture of concern and support, her hand covering mine on my stomach. If nothing else, Alex would love her wholly and completely, the way every child deserved. I hoped to be half as good a mother as Alex would be, as I knew she would be.

The length of time it took me to answer her question was probably answer enough for Monica, but it would be good to say it, and I swallowed. It took me a couple of tries to start, but I finally found my voice. "Not necessarily," I muttered, my voice soft and quiet, but steady which was more than I had hoped. "The night Temperance was conceived, David allowed three of his friends to rape me in the living room before raping me himself in the shower. Jesse and Andy were two of the three friends that raped me."

Monica slowly nodded. "I'm so sorry, Casey," she said, moving to sit down in the other empty chair in the room. "Did you ever report it?"

I shook my head. "David said he'd kill me if I told. I believed him. He put a gun to my head to get me into the same room as them. For a long time, I was under the impression that they didn't know it was rape, too. You know, no mens rea." Monica nodded. Alex stroked my arm as I began to tremble. "David told me they had rape fantasies, sexual fetishes for absolute control and reluctance on the part of the woman, but in reality it was all consensual. I don't understand, but I thought if they thought I was just acting, then it wasn't rape, not to them. Just to me. It made David the only truly guilty party in my mind."

I bit my lip until it hurt to try and get the shaking under control, but I couldn't. Everything just kind of came spilling out of me, more than ever had, even to Olivia and Fin, and these two women in the room with me just let me overflow. It was as though a switch had been flipped, and until the pressure released, I was just as much caught in the compulsion to talk as I was in the desire to have no one know what had been done. "I found out today that they all knew it was rape. They thought it was funny that David 'talked me into doing it.' I mean, I had my suspicions about it, but I never knew for sure. By then, though, I knew I was pregnant and I had been recently transferred to Special Victims. I would be reporting the rape to the detectives I had to work with every fucking day. I couldn't do it. I saw how they looked at people, victims, when they didn't think the victims could see it. There was so much pity. I never wanted to be pitied. Olivia and Fin figured out I was raped when I had a bad run in with a rapist. But, otherwise, until very recently, I mostly kept my mouth shut."

Monica nodded again as I stopped talking, staring at my hand and Alex's curled over the blankets in my lap. Alex twisted her hand so that she was holding mine firmly. I trusted by now that it was her way of saying that there was nothing I could say or do, nothing that someone else could do to me, that would make her walk away. God, I loved her for it. "Eventually, I did tell SVU. Not the whole story, just the basics. They offered to take the report, but now I'm too afraid for Tem's safety. None of them know about the baby except maybe David, though I think he believes I lost her when he shot me. Jesse and Andy never knew I was pregnant. I'm worried David, Tom, or Jesse might try to terrorize me more by going after custody of Temperance. New York statute omits the revocation of parental rights to a man convicted of rape when the child is born of that rape. He has as much right to ask for custody as the biological father as a man I would have lain with consensually."

"Crap," Monica murmured.

"Yea. It sucks. I know who they are, but I don't want to force a report if it means they'll try for Tem."

Monica leaned back. I watched her studiously because I knew that look. It was the look so many lawyers wore when they were thinking back onto their law school courses. "How together are you two?" she finally asked.

"What do you mean?" Alex replied, looking confused.

"I mean, how long do you two plan on staying together?"

I blinked and stared at Alex. "Apparently, I'm her wife."

Alex went bright crimson. "I'm sorry. I just didn't want to get kicked out."

"No, it's okay. I was just surprised to learn of my new marital status." I looked back at Monica and shrugged. "She's Temperance's mother, if that's what you mean." I glanced at Alex for confirmation, but I think I had all the confirmation I would ever need from the last fifteen minutes of her seeing the baby of the screen and babbling to her.

"You're both absolutely sure on that one?" We both nodded as we stared at her. "Okay. Give me a couple of days. If you're really worried about them going after Temperance, and, to be honest, from everything I've heard, I'm worried about them going after her, too, I'll see if there's anything on the books that would give federal jurisdiction on custody. I don't know that there is, but I'll ask around and see what I can find."

I sat up a little straighter. "Really?" I asked. "You don't have to. I can do the research."

"Well, if you find anything before I do, let me know, but you're supposed to be relaxing. I've got some friends in juvenile and family law. I'll see what I can find out. If it's possible, Casey, we'll make it happen."

I nodded. "Thanks."

"Don't thank me yet. You still have to talk to the agents and give them a run down of what happened. Do you think you can do that now?" she asked me.

I bit my lip and shook my head. I was far from ready. I was so over giving statements about what happened to me to law enforcement. It didn't matter that they wore suits. Their suits looked like uniforms as far as I was concerned. "Can I have a few hours?" I asked. I had successfully been distracted, but as the topic returned to the reason I was there in the hospital, we were all there in the hospital, I felt suffocated again.

"Sure. If need be, too, the agents can talk to you once you're settled in the new room."

"What happened to all our stuff?" I asked. I did not want to go back to that hotel and get everything.

As she stood, Monica explained, "We had everything taken to a new hotel. Once you're discharged, you'll have an agent with you in the room at all times. Until then, there'll be an agent outside your room here at the hospital. They'll switch every eight hours, but if you need anything, you let them know and they'll pass the information along. Now that we know these two are out there, Casey, I can't allow you gals to be your own security any longer. I agreed to that only because David was in custody. Jesse and Andy are not."

"It's okay. I want someone there. I don't know what would have happened if they had seen Alex. It was sheer luck that they didn't. Thanks, Monica."

She nodded. "You have my cell phone number. Call if you need anything. And, Alex, we'll be getting you a new phone before the end of the night. They'll need to take pictures, so even if you don't give a statement, I'll have a couple of agents come in in a couple of hours for photo evidence. Casey, I'm sorry." Alex nodded. I nodded, closing my eyes, listening to her leave.

"Hold me," I whispered to Alex. She climbed onto the bed next to me and did just that, letting me crawl into her lap and just lay against her in silence. I listened to the steady thrum of her heart. She picked up my hand in hers, holding it up, her fingers playing between mine. I watched as her long fingers, wound over mine, brushing along the backs of my fingers and over my palm. I hadn't slept in two days, and what had started out that morning as a very good reason to not sleep had ended in a new nightmare. I knew I had not racked up enough good karma points to deserve Alex, but I hadn't thought I had been terrible enough to deserve Jesse or Andy, either.

It took me several moments to realize Alex was singing again, her voice soft as the lullaby she sang. I recognized the words and joined in, my voice barely a whisper. Her fingers danced over my hand in time to the words, and I stared, lost in the hypnotic movement.

_Dancing bears, painted wings, things I almost remember, and a song someone sings once upon a December. Someone holds me safe and warm, horses prance through a silver storm, figures dancing gracefully across my memory. Far away, long ago, growing dim as an ember. Things my heart used to know, things I yearn to remember._


	59. Chapter 59

**-A/N: Thanks for the reviews. They're so cute together, huh? The ****_Italicized _****portion is two flashbacks melded together into one semi-fluid memory for Casey, and it's graphic. You can skip it if you want. I won't be offended, promise. Oh, and, thanks for sticking with this through the Hell. I promise Ireland will get all the attention it deserves (which means Casey's going to be okay enough to go) in my writing as well because I know I live for the A/C cuteness, so I'm sure you do, too. :)**

I lay with Alex for almost an hour, lost in my own thoughts. And, my thoughts ran in so many directions, it was impossible not to get lost. I thought mostly about what my greatest dread was overall at that moment. I tried to consider what I would do had it been a consensual relationship because the law regarded even rape as consensual when it came down to visitation and custody. How much effort was I required to put in to locate a man who fathered my child? Could his willful absence from my life waive my legal need to find him? And, not that I knew who and where, mostly, the potential candidates were, how much effort would be required on my behalf to inform them that one of them had a lucky fucking swimmer? If they knew, then how much time did they have before I could petition for sole custody and have them removed completely from the child in a dependency ruling? God, I was going to lose it. I was going to go crazy.

I thought back to what Donnelly had asked me. I now knew that all four of my rapists were in the CODIS database, not just the military database. David and Tommy had been entered upon arrest as their charges amounted to a federal offense and a felony offense, both of which required DNA collection by statute. Jesse and Andy when they had gone into the federal law enforcement world. I did not need access to the military database any longer which meant I didn't need to ask my brothers for another favor – they had already gotten me into the military database once on an SVU case. The question then was whether or not Melinda would be willing to risk the felony indictment to run Temperance's DNA for a paternal blood match. I didn't even know the likelihood of her getting caught. That would change everything. If it were a low likelihood, I would ask. If it were high, I would not.

Still, if I knew which of the four was, biologically, Tem's father, I could go after custody that way. If it were Jesse or Andy, I could argue inability on my part to disclose parentage which would cause the court to conclude that the father effectively gave up his paternal rights. By not having contact or by being in such a way that I could not reasonably find him, I could easily argue that he had given up any future rights. Res ipsa loquitor – the evidence would speak for itself.

If David were the father, I might hold ground in a dependency hearing that the man who tried to kill me knowing I was pregnant and that level of willful negligence on the part of his child's life would disallow visitation until he could demonstrate appropriate parenting and anger management skills within eighteen months of the hearing. Because, if Temperance were under the age of eight, the turn around would be a mandatory eighteen months. Of course, depending on his mental health evaluation during this trial, he may be found competent to stand trial but otherwise mentally ill which, in the state of New York, was grounds for the non-mentally ill parent to request and be granted sole legal and physical custody.

That left two wild cards. The first was Tommy. Jensen had nothing I was aware of in the state of New York barring him outright from requesting visitation or custody – as long as he was in jail, I was sure I could make sure he could not call her from jail, but in eight to ten when he was released, I didn't know. The second was if Andy or Jesse were apprehended. It would be seen by the court as easier to notify a man in prison that he might have fathered a child than to notify a man on the run. I had to hope that a judge would see the error in letting four criminals – one of which would be convicted before Tem's birth, another shortly after, and the remaining two upon their apprehension – try to take custody of an innocent life from two women who had a history of not only abiding the law but defending both the law and the innocent.

But, then, if no one ever appealed for custody of her, then the risk was for nothing and the knowledge could only haunt me.

I sighed, sinking into Alex. "If push came to shove, would you adopt her?" I asked, my eyes rolling up to meet hers as she looked down at me, somewhat surprised.

"Casey, if there's enough to show that you don't need his permission to adopt, then I imagine you could petition for sole custody."

I shrugged. "It depends which of them is the father."

Alex fell silent, and I didn't ask my question again. I knew I had asked a lot of her, and I did not expect the answer to come easily to her, if at all. She wrapped her arms around me in that was she did before we fell asleep but she still had a lot weighing on her mind. Usually, that hug followed a conversation about how we could make our lives work more smoothly together, or else it came the night before she left again. This time, I had the feeling that neither of those applied. What occupied her mind was something deeper, darker, and much more distant from this time and place.

"Alex?" I questioned.

She snuggled me closer to her, her head drooping so that her cheek pressed to the top of my head. "I don't know if I can keep you safe, Casey. You have so many demons."

I reached up and touched her lips, tracing the soft flesh with the barest touch from my pads. Her skin was, as it always seemed to be, so warm and soft and perfect beneath my hands. Always, no matter the day or the time or the place, she was soft and warm and smelled of Orange and Sprite, like citrus and home. "I don't need you to keep me safe from them, Alex. I just need you to love me even when they come haunting."

I felt the pull of Alex's smile beneath the pads of my fingers as I pushed down slightly. "I love you in spite of them, because of how strong they've proven you to be, and because I have no idea what else to do to you but love you." Something in me shattered. Though, shattered makes it sound inherently bad, but it's the right word even with the wrong connotation. It was as though something I had been hanging on to just broke within me, seeping through my body. Maybe I was letting go of the hurt in tiny ornaments, dropping them from my heart one at a time, letting them break all around me. It hurt. The shards slashed my soul, but I wondered if that was needed first so that all of the hurt could leave before I healed again.

"It really doesn't matter to you, does it?" I asked, staring at the now empty chair at the bedside.

"What?" Alex asked as she tipped my chin with her finger so I was looking back into her neutral, gray eyes. I met them, closing myself from her and feeling guilty the entire time I did so. My eyes were just as neutral and blank when I looked up. But, I had a lot of practice at looking blank any more.

"I believed I had consented to them even though the force was from David. I didn't consider them truly to be rapists after it happened. David told me I needed to do it or he'd shoot me, that I owed him. I thought I was sick to let them do that to me, thinking they didn't know it was rape, but never once telling them that I really didn't want it." I inhaled slowly and deeply, my eyes still on hers, though I was fighting every second not to look away or close my eyes. "David never had to use lubricant on me, even when it was forced. He used to rub me or lick me-" I paused, inhaling and exhaling. If I was going to do this, I was going to use proper terminology. "He would stimulate my clit until I was lubricated enough for him. My mind was screaming 'no,' but my body was wet. I didn't know if I was sick and wanted to be raped – I still don't know if that's the case. I mean, with you, it's different because my mind is screaming 'yes,' and my body whole heartedly agrees. But, I could never help but wonder if that sick, twisted dark spot within me wants to be raped."

I expected her to jerk away. I was talking about pushing the threshold of consent. Even as a sex crimes prosecutor, if I weren't in the situation myself, I would have thought it abnormal or inhumane to be that way, to consider the things I was considering. Instead, she pulled me closer. "Once upon a time, in the thirteenth century, conception negated the allegation of rape because it was believed that conception could only come from consent." My hand automatically covered my stomach, feeling Temperance. She was wiggling around as she tended to do when I was still. It was such a reassuring motion, one I had grown accustomed to, that I couldn't imagine not having had this experience. Yet, if not having her came at the price of not being raped, which would I take? I loved my daughter very much, but I did not like having been raped to have her. Would I keep my demons and my daughter, or would I be rid of them both? "Even before then, women who said they were raped were often forced to marry their assailant because they were no longer virgins. They were seen as harlots. Even as late as the nineteenth century, doctors believed conception could only occur during the female orgasm, and if a woman orgasmed, surely it wasn't rape. But, now, we know medically that reproduction does not work that way. Reproduction is a bio-chemical response to a sperm cell coming into contact with the ova.

"To think that a woman would not want to become pregnant by her rapist yet to know that it happens is not unlike the idea that a woman might not want her body to react to the touch of her rapist yet in knowing how the nerves and pleasure centers of the brain works, anyone can set anyone else to orgasm. Hell, Casey, they've done it with machines. I don't know anyone who actually is sexually attracted to machines, yet they can trigger an orgasm. A bio-chemical reaction of the body does not equate to consent." She paused, shifting me in her arms. I had looked away through her speech, and I couldn't quite bring myself to look back at her. So, she knew the difference between psychological and physiological responses. That didn't make my confession exactly easier to bear. I couldn't help but wonder, even if she loved me, did she think less of my allegation? Did she think I was more accountable than most rape victims? I knew she didn't, but that didn't stop the thought from crossing my mind.

"Casey," Alex said as she rested her hand on my shoulder. "Do you want to have sex right now?" I jerked in her arms, shaking my head vehemently. "But, if I did that thing on your hip-"

"I would be a puddle. Please, Alex, don't do it." God, I sounded so small and terrified. I started to cry, not in fear of her doing that to me, but because she had driven the point home. She knew which three places on my body she could stimulate and how to stimulate them to give me such a massive rush that I would actually lose consciousness. She had only ever done it twice. Once, the first time, by accident. The second by request. Slowly, the blond began to rock me side to side, making tiny hushing noises as I shook and trembled.

"I would never, Casey," she murmured. "Not without your consent. That's the difference between rape and sexual intimacy, Case. And, I know you know that, but I can understand why it would be so confusing. Just because someone can garnish a reaction physically does not mean that the consent, on any level is there. You don't like to be raped just because David could manipulate you." I was shaking so hard I hiccuped. Alex loosened her grip on me, one hand rubbing small circles on my back as I hiccuped and shivered almost violently. "So, you're right but you're wrong. It does matter to me what they do to you because I want them to pay. I want them to answer for what they did to you, but more than that, I want you to be able to heal. However, I do not love you any less or any differently for what they did, either. You are still and always will be my beautiful Casey, my lover, the mother of my child, and, most importantly, my best friend and confidant. I never say anything I don't mean, Casey. 'I love you' is no exception, and my love comes to you free of charge, no strings attached, unconditional, and without limitations."

"I love you, too," I whispered, gathering my resolve to control myself. Slowly, I did. And, content, I settled against her chest, my eyes closed with exhaustion as my world narrowed to only the feel of her body beneath mine, the steady drumming of her heart against her ribs, the vacuum sound of air passing through her lungs, the motion of her chest rising and falling like the tide.

We lay in silence for several minutes before she spoke again. "Come stay in Wisconsin with me," Alex murmured. Surprised, I sat up, opening my mouth to protest. She silenced me with a finger to my lips. "Casey, you need more time to rest and heal than two weeks in Ireland. The detectives will help you out, but would you really be able to lay around all day, alone, not knowing if or when they would be able to keep you company? What if something kept them at the station? I'm an insurance agent. I get back to the house at the exact same time every day Monday through Friday. I never work weekends. I always cook dinner. I'm always there for breakfast. Even when you wake up. And, if shit hits the fan, it's a lot easier for me to drop everything and come running than it is for any of them. Plus, you have no memories of Wisconsin. We can create all new memories, and they'll be positive ones."

I bit my lip. "I can't shirk my responsibilities to the squad." Although, God, the offer was tempting.

Alex shook her head. "I know, but I bet they would understand. You have a bigger responsibility to yourself and to Tem." She frowned, stroking my cheek, minding the cut and bruises that swelled my flesh.

I shook my head. "I have to be in court for Jensen's trial on the tenth. I cannot give that to anyone else."

"Why not? Who has your case load now? He can take it and go." I shook my head. "Casey, why not?" There was that worry in her voice that made me flinch. I could never help but think that I caused that and because of that, I was inherently a terrible person. And, yet, I could not seem to stop hurting her. At every turn, I did something.

"I promised his victim that I would go all the way with it. I can't go back on that promise." That was doubly true. I had promised Candace Spencer that I would see it to the end. But, I had also promised myself that I would not back away from this one. "Alex, putting that man behind bars will do a Hell of a lot more to improve my sense of safety and self-esteem. Please, I need that."

I felt Alex sigh beneath me. "It means that much to you?" I nodded. "What did he do?"

"Jensen's the guy who FTA'd on you about a year and a half ago now. Three months ago, he came into the squad room demanding an audience with Alex Cabot's successor."

"Candy," Alex murmured. "God, she was so afraid when he bonded. She moved to Jersey because of it. He's a slime ball and a half, too, a real piece of work. You know, he actually believes that it is a privilege that he picked her as a victim?"

I shuddered. "I'm not surprised," I said, my voice dry.

"Casey, you're not telling me something." She could read me too well.

Knowing I could only tell her a partial truth, I went with it anyway. "When they took me, in the back of the car, Jesse started pawing at me. He basically told me the same thing, that it was a privilege he raped me when he had a world full of women to rape.

"God," Alex breathed, and I knew the next words were just her way of coping. It didn't stop my reaction, though. "They would make a terrible pair."

I froze. I just straight stopped breathing as a new set of smells and tastes and textures washed over me, leaving reality so very, very far behind.

_From behind me, Jesse pulled my hair. Instantly, my eyes watered. I was crying already, but the pain was just too much... _

"_Look at me, you little slut," he growled, his other hand closing over my throat as a new, wholly unfamiliar pain ripped through me, pain causing me to cry out with every thrust, my whole body trembling and ricocheting with the fire until I thought I might pass out from pain. God, I was so close to passing out. So close so many times. He released my hair, pulling my back flush against him by my neck. I choked and sputtered trying to catch a breath. I looked up at the other two men wondering if they'd let him kill me. The blond, Andy, stepped to me, grabbing my hand and twisting it around him. He moved my hand up and down himself in time to what Jesse was doing behind me. _

_The last brunette, Tommy Lee, stunted my ability to breathe even further. "Bite me, and I will kill you." His voice was a dark growl, but I had thought he was play acting. I didn't know then that he knew this was real. I was wishing I knew the safe word, but I didn't even know there was no safe word. I just didn't know better... _

_The stick came down again. It was smooth and polished and long with a handle on the end. It looked like an S and M prop, but I didn't know enough about sex to know for sure. I just knew Jesse was hitting me with it and it should have hurt. _

_I didn't move to defend myself. I wasn't even aware I could. I just lay there, the rough carpet of an unfamiliar room beneath my bare back. He was naked from the waist down, only his wife beater covering his torso. He hung limp between his legs. He had been on top of me. He had pulled my underwear off, and I had let it go without a fight, go because in my mind, I was with Alex. But, the frontal lobe was what checked out, and it was not needed to create memories of trauma. Even checked out, I was there. Yet, I knew, I would never be able to recall this memory by sheer force of will. _

_He had tried to use my hand to guide himself inside of me, but my fingers had fallen slack and useless around him. I was gone. My body was his, so I had left. After a few sharp thrusts which, part of me knew, should have hurt with no reaction from me, he had lost his erection. It was purely coincidence that I had smiled at the same moment he had slipped from me. I wasn't thinking about him. In fact, all I was aware of was my day dream of Alex, hand in hand with a tiny girl, walking up the steps to school, me a pace and a half behind as we walked our daughter to her first day of school. It was the day dream that would get me through this, prevent me from breaking. _

_He clearly thought I was smiling because of his dysfunction. Had I been capable of recognizing what had happened, I might have found it funny. As it was, I was so far gone, I didn't even notice him throw me off the bed. His fists and feet had come raining down, pouring over my body as I went limp on the floor. I just lay there, so still I didn't even know if I had blinked. _

_Then, he had found the stick. It was like watching a really bad point of view movie on mute. The blows should have hurt, but they weren't really happening to me, not really. _

_The door opened, and it was as though someone turned up the volume. Sound came rushing over me, crashing violently down. "I'm going to kill you. Do you hear me? I'm going to fucking kill you," Jesse screamed, hitting me with every word. Vaguely, I was aware of his attention to my hip, as though he were trying to break the bone. _

_Then, everything else caught up with the sound, and pain came roaring into my brain, pouncing through my body like a lion, teeth and claws sharp inside my flesh. I screamed. _

_Pale arms wrapped around Jesse, and it was Andy's voice I heard even though I kept screaming. "Stop it, Jesse. Fucking stop it. You'll kill her, and then you'll go down for murder. I'm not going down for fucking murder. Hell no. David's dealing with that bitch on his own from here on out if that's what's gotta happen. Get off her." The two went stumbling backwards, and I crawled away. _

_I stared at them, Andy wrestling for control, Jesse trying to get back to me like some rabid dog. "She laughed at me. I'm going to fucking kill her. No one laughs at me," he raged. I knew, then, that it was the fear in my eyes as my breath came in short, panicked bursts that truly made him rigid against his own stomach. I knew it, and had I the ability, it would have made me sick. _

"_Just don't kill her," Andy chided. _

"_Animals," I spat. Andy let Jesse go, and he grabbed me, throwing me on the bed face down. _

_By the time he had forced my hips up and my legs apart, I was feeling nothing. Only in the distance could I hear the faint slap of his flesh against mine, like listening to my neighbor watch porn in my old apartment. It was too far away and did not concern me. In my head, I was standing in the middle of Temperance's room, Alex's arms wrapped around me. Against the wall, in a tiny bed, a little girl slept soundly on, unaware that her mothers watched her. _

"She's slipping the restraints, make them tighter. Alex, get out of here. Someone get her out of here." It was a man's voice, and I screamed, my back arching as I fought for freedom.

"No. I'm not leaving. You can't give her a tranquilizer without endangering the baby. When you pull your heads out of your asses and listen to me, you'll let me calm her down."

It took me a moment to realize the person chanting 'no' was me. I yanked and twisted against the restraints, screaming as I arched my back again. I could taste blood, smell it. The iron scent was everywhere. It seemed to permeate the air, and I wondered, in a brief flash of sanity, if I had pulled my IV. Someone leaned over my legs, though, and that little ounce of control vanished. I thrashed harder. "No, not again. No. Please, please, no."

My hands were suddenly free. And then, they weren't. Long fingers wrapped around them. "Move," a woman's authoritative voice commanded. It barely registered as Alex's, and it did register that she wasn't talking to me. "Get off her."

I screamed, kicking as the pressure on my legs lifted. Two more women joined the verbal demands to step back. One, I thought might be my doctor. The other, I was fairly certain was Monica. I wanted to scream out to them, but panic held my mind fast.

The hands at my wrists released me, though there was an instant pressure at my chest, shoving me back onto the hospital bed. "Casey, you have to calm down. You're hurting yourself. You're hurting Temperance."

"Temperance?" I repeated, my hands stilling around the arm at my chest for just a moment as I fought the fog. But, the clouded pressure in my brain won over, and I screamed. "No. No! Get it out. Get it out of me! No. I can't do this! No!" I screamed and kicked and the hand on my chest held firm, so I clawed at that, the arm which stopped me from hurting what that bastard had put inside me.

"Get him out of me. Don't want. Get it out." I panted and struggled, physically becoming too weak to continue to fight. I hadn't started in the hospital in the best physical shape. I had only gotten worse.

Alex's voice was firm, though not harsh. She could do things with her voice my mother had never mastered. "Casey Elizabet, that is a child. She is not an it, and she is not his, do you understand? You named her, Casey. You bought her a crib and toys. I painted her room. You are a mother, Casey, every ounce a mother, and if you don't stop, you're going to go into labor and she's probably going to die."

It was like a slap, but the exact thing I needed. I stopped clawing, my hands trembling. Fuck, my whole body was shaking. "Tem," I mutered, pressing my hands over my stomach. "My baby. My daughter."

The hand from my chest let up, but I only seemed to sink further into the hospital bed. "Yea. Tem. She's your daughter. Our daughter. Casey, you're not alone, honey. I'm right here with you, and I'm not going anywhere." I nodded. "Do you remember where you are?"

"Yea. The hospital."

"Who am I?"

I smiled that mixed smile which blended fear with love. I wasn't afraid of her. I was afraid of myself. "Alex."

She kissed my forehead gently. "Yea, honey. That's me."


	60. Chapter 60

**- A/N: Yes, the song ending one of the previous chapters was "Once Upon a December." I guess now is a good time to tell you none of Alex's songs are mine - they're not even hers. :) If you don't recognize the song, let me know, and I'll let you know what it is. Sorry I missed that last chapter. :) Thanks to all for reading. Next chappy. Enjoy. **

Rykovich threw everyone out of my room as I hung my head, staring at my hands. I had ripped the IV out, and though it was no longer bleeding, the blood spray from the force of having an open vein tugged on was enough to make me cringe. I could run my tongue along the cut at my cheek which, considering it had been an external force when it had occurred, meant that it would definitely need stitches now even if it hadn't before lest it not close up properly or at all. I didn't remember doing it, but I knew there was a high likelihood that I had become physically violent towards staff as they tried to calm me down. Something had happened that Alex had gotten off the bed when I had panicked, and based on our previous encounters, I knew she was more likely to try and hold me than to retreat from me. Chances were that I had struck her, both before and after medical staff tried to intervene. I had done it before during a panic attack. It would not surprise me to learn that I had done it again. Alex brushed my hair from my face. "You gonna be okay for a few minutes?" she asked.

I nodded, not looking up at her as she kissed the top of my head before quietly leaving, shutting the door behind her as she was the last person out. It was just me and the emergency room doctor. She let the silence hang in the air for a few seconds until it was clear that I wasn't going to talk. Then, I heard her draw a small, rolling stool up to the bedside, saw the brush of her white lab coat and dark scrubs as she sat down at my level. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Did he rape me?" I asked. She had done the pelvic already. I knew I had asked her not to tell me, but the whole not knowing thing just didn't sound like an option any longer. Once I had snapped out of the flashback, it was gone. I knew I had had it, but I didn't know what it was about. It was like it was just gone. I tried to recall it, to think about what had terrified me so much, but there was nothing. Nothing but a blank space of time between Jesse's hands on my wrists, his body over mine, and then Alex scooping me off the floor and out of the reach of several different hands.

"Unless you've had very rough, consensual sex, Casey, the bruising both around your vulva and at your cervix strongly indicate assault. There's some tearing, too, commonly associated with rougher sex or rape." I covered my eyes with my hands. _Why me? Why anyone? Why? Just, why? _"Is that what your flashback was about?"

"This sucks," I muttered, feeling myself go numb. I was getting good at that, going numb. I couldn't feel the physical pain I knew I ought to feel. I had a gash in my cheek that needed stitches, a bruise on my hip that was so dark it was black, an internal injury that had once hurt but the pain had faded, and a fresh wound on my arm where I had ripped the IV out. "Maybe it was. I don't know. It's like it's gone. I can't remember what happened in that house, and I can't remember the flashback. Something happened. I just don't know what." And, in truth, that scared me almost as much as Jesse himself scared me.

Rykovich nodded slowly. "That's called psychogenic retrograde amnesia. What happened to you is too traumatic for your brain to process, so it's doing the next best thing it can to protect itself – it's forgetting."

I nodded. "I don't think I mind forgetting," I whispered. It was kind of a lie. It hurt to forget. It made me afraid to forget. If it were so terrible that my brain hid the memories from itself, what exactly did he do?

"What happens next here, Casey, is entirely up to you. I have strong suspicions that you were sexually assaulted. We can go ahead and take a rape kit even though you don't have specific memories of being assaulted. Or, we can clean you up right now. Either way, you will need stitches in your cheek and I'm sure you'd like to get some of that blood off you."

I bit my lip. I could already hear the defense in my head. _Were you sexually assaulted, Miss Novak? Did my client rape you? You don't know? How can you not know if you said 'yes' or 'no?' Oh, I see, you don't remember. How do you not remember whether or not my client forced his penis into your vagina? Is it possible that he never did what you've accused him of, that he never actually raped you? That you're making all of this up? _I opened my eyes, gasping as I raking my nails over my scalp seeking some kind of sensation other than guilt and fear. "I want the kit," I said. "If he raped me, and it can be proven, I want him labeled for the rest of his life. I want people to know he's evil, women to know, his boss to know. I'll do what I can with what I remember to make sure he can't do this again. There's no way I'm his first." But, I could sure as Hell be his last.

"Okay, Casey," the doctor said. "I'll get the kit ready. A S.A.N.E nurse will have to actually take the samples."

My brow furrowed. "Can you stay in here with me?" I didn't know why I wanted her there. I just trusted her. Not the way I trusted Alex. Really, I wanted Alex there, but I didn't want to be humiliated in front of Alex, propped up on display again for foreign eyes to see, swabs and scrapings and clippings taken from me like I was the crime scene. Good fucking God, I was the crime scene. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying.

"Sure, Casey. You don't want Alex or Monica to be with you, though?" I shook my head. "Alright. Can the nurse take pictures for evidence?"

I nodded. "Yes. Can she take all of the evidential photographs? I've already been paraded naked through a room full of cops today. I'd rather not everyone else have to see me naked."

"You know an awful lot about sex assault kits," the doctor led, obviously fishing.

It didn't seem a harm to give something to her. I knew she was just trying her best. "I prosecute sex crimes in New York City." I bit my lip again. "Well, I did. I don't know about when I go back, after all this. Maybe." Closing my eyes, I focused on my breathing and my heart beat in an effort not to vanish into the memories I could feel pushing at me again. I pressed my hands over my abdomen. For the first time, I noticed that the sheets were entirely missing from the bed. Everything, chairs, trays, monitors, and all cords, was pushed away from my bed, some outside the room. My gown was torn and hanging off my shoulders, the buttons unsnapped on my right arm. "Tem's okay?"

The doctor shrugged as I began to snap my gown back together. "I have to hook all of the monitors back up. You were thrashing so badly that you managed to wrap the cords of your heart monitor around your neck. One of the technicians had to cut the cords off before you choked yourself. I need to get a whole new set of cords for you and a new blood pressure cuff. You're pretty strong. You broke things I've only ever seen addicts break. I'll need to start a new IV, too, though that can all wait until after the exam since you'll be taking a shower anyway."

I looked around the room and shuddered, my fingers at my neck. I wondered if the wires around my neck had made the panic attack worse. Or, was it the medic's hands near my throat even though he was trying to save me? I had been pinned to bodies, walls, floors, couches, and tables with nothing more than a hand crushing down over my neck often enough that I did not like other people touching my neck unless I was prepared for it. And, even then, I only trusted Alex not to actually hurt me when she touched me there. "I'm sorry," I muttered, flushing deep crimson.

"What for? Casey, these men did this to you. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm more worried that we get you back on track to healing. I don't know about the totality of your history, but you said you had been shot recently and had a miscarriage. Plus, you have some scars that make me think chronic abuse. I'm guessing that at least this past year as been Hell for you."

I laughed darkly. "I just want to be me again. Temperance and Alex deserve me, not this freak I'm becoming. I'm afraid all of the time, and that's not who I used to be."

"It's going to take time, Casey, but it sounds like you have a great support system." I really did, and I knew that even if I was not certain that I told them often enough. Alex, Olivia, and Fin were, by far, my biggest rocks, but the others had proven to be resources when I needed them, too. "I'm going to listen to Temperance manually just to double check on her. If she's doing okay, I'll get the nurse for the kit, and then we'll get you cleaned up and hooked back together."

"Thank you," I whispered, feeling suddenly disgusting. The doctor pressed the cool drum of the stethoscope at my belly and listened. I watched her face, looking for any sign that something might be wrong about the baby. I watched her don gloves, carefully taking and folding the two blankets that had been underneath me on the bed which had the potential to catch any leaking body fluid or hairs or cells that may have been on me. I watched her in silence as she lay butcher paper down on the ground, setting the two paper bags with the blankets in them to the side.

Once the paper was down, she said, "Why don't you stand here? I'll prepare the bed for you." Silent, I scooted off the end of the bed in compliance. I had lost my voice for this which seemed to be alright if I had to lose something out of it at all. Rykovich pulled new sheets over the bed and lay more paper down where my butt would go so that anything that shook off during the exam could be retrieved. She helped me carefully sit back on the bed.

The doctor handed me a clipboard. "Why don't you start reading these? They're the consent forms for the rape kit. Basically, they say you don't have to agree to this and that if at any time you want the nurse to stop, she will; you don't have to file with the police to get the rape kit done; and you won't be charged for the rape kit. I'll go get the nurse. If you have any questions, hand on to them and I'll be right back."

"Thanks," I muttered, taking the offered pen to go along with the clipboard. "Can you let Alex and Monica in? I'll kick them out again for the exam, but I don't want to be alone right now."

"You got it, Casey." I realized, though I could not figure out why it bothered me, as the doctor gave me a reassuring smile that I had no idea what her first name was. Given the situation, I suppose constantly calling her by her last name seemed too distant. I could always go with 'Doc' but that was too playful. I shrugged it off as the short, Asian woman opened the door, gesturing to the others that it was okay to reenter.

Alex came in cautiously, as though she did not want to spook me. "It's okay," I said. "I'm alright." I held my hand out to the blond woman, and she took it in hers, giving me a supportive squeeze. I watched her eyes take in the paper bags and the butcher paper from the floor now folded and in a plastic evidence bag on the counter. "Rykovich and I talked. Alex, I don't remember what happened between him making me take my clothes off and you picking me up. I really don't. But, I've got bruises. Something happened to me in that room. Jesse's already raped me once. He's a power rapist, and we know he's been accused of at least one other rape. He's going to keep doing it as long as he can get away with it. Rykovich says there's definitely sexual trauma. I know that you're the only person I've had sex with in three months, and the damage isn't from anything you and I have done." I struggled to fight back tears, biting at my non-injured cheek. "If it's not from us, then it's from them. Maybe only Jesse. Maybe Andy. Maybe both of them. And, I don't want to know. I really don't. But, if it takes them off the street so they can't do this to another person, then it's worth it."

Alex squeezed my hand again. "You're very brave, Case. I'll be wherever you need me."

"In all honesty, I don't want you to be here when they do the kit. It's bad enough that I'm dragging you into this mess. I don't want you to see me like that." I lost the battled with the tears, pushing them from my face with my free hand.

Her fingers wove through my hair, nails scratching at my scalp in a soothing, circular pattern. "You're getting evidence on you," I murmured.

"I think we might be just a little beyond that, Casey," she said, her brows raised.

I withdrew. "I'm sorry. I-"

"It's alright," Alex purred, kissing my forehead again. "Really, it is."

Monica knocked from the doorway where she had been lurking. She had not quite followed Alex through the door, but she had been nearby. I had noticed her, just not been ready to acknowledge her. "Can I do anything for you, Casey?"

I shook my head. "I'm okay. Um, can I give my statement after my shower?"

"Yea, definitely. I'll let Kim know that's the plan." I nodded my show of thanks. "Casey, I want you to know that the tape recording – and anything from this kit – will likely be enough to get a conviction on sexual assault and first degree assault. Anything you do remember will be helpful, but I don't want you to feel strained trying to remember."

I nodded. "Thanks. I'll give you what I can. I'm sorry I don't remember. I don't even know what my flashback was about."

"That's okay. That's normal. You may remember later when you've had time to process. You may not. It's all okay, though. Let me worry about testimony and the case. You and Alex worry about you, Alex, and Temperance."

"Thanks, Monica," I mumbled. "I appreciate you staying, but there's a hearing still tomorrow, right/"

"Yes." She nodded.

"Go and get some rest or do whatever it is you do before a hearing. It'll just about make my week if David has to remain at Florence. I do not want him at DoD."

"You and me both," Monica said as she carefully squeezed my shoulder. I let her because I knew her. "Call me when you've been discharged. There are already agents here ready to take you and Alex to the hotel. There'll be at least one with you at all times until we get you both on your flight out to Ireland, okay?"

I nodded. "I appreciate it." Alex and I had initially declined supervision in Denver. With David in Florence, he allegedly had no contact with anyone other than the guards or his defense attorney. Yes, I should have known better than to assume no danger. He had gotten a message to me once before – he would not tolerate my switch from men to women, that even Alex couldn't have me. Now, he had gotten a second one to me – that he could get me no matter what. Somehow, he had communication, and I didn't know how.

I shuddered, trying not to think on it. In forty eight hours, I would be curled up on a plane next to Alex on my way to Ireland, a Hell of a long way from the States. As much as I loved my country, dear God, I needed a vacation. I needed a vacation from work, from life, from my trial, from Casey Novak: Senior ADA, from Casey Novak: pregnant chick, and from Emily Schimke: not her real name. I needed time with just Alex and me being Alex and me. I wanted more nights bowling and fits of laughter. I wanted to see what would happen if I threw popcorn at her during a romantic movie – because, I had learned, Alexandra Cabot was a sucker for a romantic movie and I thought they were boring as Hell but I was willing to sit through one to appease her.

"Don't say anything," I whispered. "Just sit with me until they come back. I just need to feel you here, right now." Alex nodded and laced her fingers in mine. And, for several minutes, we just sat in silence, the only noise the thrum of the blood pressure cuff as it filled. Since it wasn't attached to me, I twisted in my spot and turned it off lest it keep trying to inflate without stop. Then, the hum of the hospital outside the room filled the small space.

Eventually, Doctor Rykovich returned with a tall, overly skinny blond nurse in her early to mid fifties. "Casey, this is Emma. She'll be the one doing the examination."

"Hi," I said, chewing at my lip before nodding to Alex. "I got this. Thank you." I smiled faintly.

Alex nodded, standing and kissing my forehead. "I love you, Case. I'll be right outside the room if you need anything, okay?" I nodded. I wanted to tell her not to go, but I didn't want her to be in the room, either.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I tried to be somewhere else during the rape kit examination. I fairly well succeeded once I explained to Emma that I had absolutely no memory of being raped. I gave her the sparse details I had. I also told both the nurse and the doctor that my assailant had raped me once before. Emma had asked about that assault, where he had touched and with what. Going from that, she had swabbed my mouth first, my vagina, and my anus. I jumped each time she touched me, squeezing the doctor's hand harder. She took pictures and diagrammed the injuries on a medical chart. I told her I didn't want to know specifics. I just wanted it over with, and the feds could have the kit. Emma had given me the saddest eyes I had ever seen in a nurse and nodded.

Thank God both women utterly respected my wishes. If I were going to forget, I was going to forget. At least for a little while. Maybe one day, I would read the medical report from this hospital visit, but until then, I just didn't want to know. Emma took the pictures of the rest of my body as well, and by the time she was done, I was so ready to crawl into a hole somewhere and cry. I desperately wanted a shower, and as the shutter snapped on the last shot of the cut on my cheek, I was told I could take a shower.

I nearly jumped for joy. They gave me a gown to put on and tied it for me. Then, Emma got me into a wheel chair, draped blankets over me – bless her for knowing I wanted to be covered – and wheeled me into the patient shower room. She helped me to stand, and I was shaky at best as I clung to the guard rail. I asked her, meekly, to help me undress, and she did, very respectfully. I had seen the sad look on her face when she had done the exam. It wasn't horror or shock, but it was sad. And, I ached. I ached more than I had the night all four men had raped me. I didn't know what Jesse had done to me there, but I knew from both the hurt and the nurse's reaction that it was not a pleasant thing.

Emma left me alone to shower, and I stood for the first hour underneath a steady stream of hot water just crying. I leaned against the tile wall, unable to stand on my own very well, and just cried. I cried until I had nothing left in me to cry. And, then, I just stood there, numb. It was probably another thirty minutes before I moved my body, bending and stretching in the warm water. I started at my head and worked my way down, scrubbing shampoo into my hair, then soap over my face and in my mouth, then over my neck and arms and chest and stomach. I skipped my vaginal area, not wanting to touch it. The hot water had eased some of the muscles in my body, but my lower abdomen and upper thighs and everything in between were still constricted in terror. I washed my legs and my feet and got between each toe. Then, I did it again. And again. And again. By the fifth time, I managed to work up the courage to wash the most violated part of my body. I washed my entire body a sixth time. Then, I focused mainly on my breasts, my vagina, and my mouth. The taste of soap in my mouth was all I felt I knew, but it still wasn't clean enough.

When I ran out of soap, I just stood there until my shaking legs collapsed on me. And, then, I huddled. I huddled until I heard the door open and the shower turn off. I felt a towel wrap around me. Another one draped over my legs. I saw the lavender scrubs of the nurses at the hospital over a pair of pale yellow Crocs. Another set of legs in my vision bore navy blue scrubs and navy blue tennis shoes. A towel landed on the floor beside me, still folded, and jeans sat down beside me, arms wrapping around me.

"Will you stay with me, will you be my love among the fields of barley?" I lay my head against Alex's chest, her breath warm as she sang over me. "We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we lie in the fields of gold. See the west wind move like a lover so upon the fields of barley-"

My racing heart calmed and I began to feel my body again in little bursts. A finger here, a breath there. I started to feel real again, and in feeling real again, I realized just how numb I had become. "Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth among the fields of gold. I never made promises lightly."

I clung to her shirt as she took another towel, squeezing the water out of my hair and rubbing the droplets out of my face. "And there have been some that I've broken, but I swear in the days still left, we'll walk in the fields of gold."

She dried my body, humming softly under her breath until the lyrics spilled forth in another song by the same artist. I liked Sting. How had she known? "He deals the cards as a meditation. Those he plays never suspect he doesn't play for the money he wins, he doesn't play for the respect. He deals the cards to find the answer, the sacred geometry of chance, the hidden law of probable outcome, the numbers lead a dance."

She stood, leaning down over me, her hand out. Silent, cautious, I reached up and took it. She pulled me to a stand. All the while, she sang, never breaking her song. "I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier; I know that the clubs are weapons of war; I know that diamonds mean money for this art, but that's not the shape of my heart."

I held my hand out in front of me as she bade me to when she picked up the gown, and she slipped it on over my arms, pulling it up and around my neck. I was like a snake, charmed by the flute of my charmer, utterly unable to do anything and utterly unable to care. I wanted so much to fall into her arms and just stay there for hours. "He may play the jack of diamonds. He may lay the queen of spades. He may conceal a king in his hand, while the memory of it fades."

I stood there while she brushed my hair with her fingers. When she bade me to sit in the wheelchair, I did, silent tears running down my cheeks again. "I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier. I know that the clubs are weapons of war. I know that diamonds mean money for this art, but that's not the shape of my heart. That's not the shape, the shape of my heart."

Her fingers were soft and gentle as one of the nurses replaced her fingers with a hair brush, and she brushed my hair out, carefully working out the knots. I was surprised the nurses had remained. But, then, I was partial to Alex's singing voice as well. "And if I told you that I loved you, you'd maybe think there's something wrong. I'm not a man of too many faces, the mask I wear is one. Those who speak know nothing and find out to their cost, like those who curse their luck in too many places, and those who fear are lost."

She worked out the last knot, my hair literally squeaky clean, and her fingers moved quickly as she braided my hair out of my face. "I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier. I know that the clubs are weapons of war. I know that diamonds mean money for this art, but that's not the shape of my heart. That's not the shape of my heart."

My wet braid hung over the wheelchair as she stepped around, squatting in front of me. Very slowly, she reached out, touching my face so softly that alone nearly made me cry. "Can I kiss you?" she whispered.

I nodded, my eyes fluttering closed. Her lips were warm against mine. Warm and familiar and loving. They didn't push or demand or take. They simply gave. She simply gave. I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth to her, even though I knew and trusted and loved her. I couldn't even quite do more than lay my hands on her shoulders. But, she didn't ask for more. She just pulled back slowly, leaving the film of her Chapstick against my lips.

I opened my eyes to find that she was still mere inches from me. Gingerly, as if I thought she would bite me even though I knew she wouldn't, I placed my fingers on her lips. "Thank you," I murmured. "I don't know how long ago I would have fallen apart if I didn't have you."

She smiled. "You'll always have me, Casey. From now until eternity. And, you can fall apart whenever you want. I'll help you pick up the pieces."

"You're the best person I could ask for in my life, Alex. You really are."

She grinned. "Casey, I'm the only person you'll never have to ask to be in your life. I'll just be there. You let me know the time and the place, and I'll be there."

"I wanna go home," I said, knowing I sounded whiny and fragile. "I wanna go home, but I have no idea where the fuck that is."

She stroked my good cheek. "I'll help you find home, Casey. And, wherever home winds up being, I'll help you make it the best home you could ever want. Let's start with baby steps on the way home, though. Can I take you back to your room? The PA wants to stitch your cheek. Then, we'll be on our way to our next step home, and that'll be getting you discharged."

I looked at her. She was goofy sometimes. Sometimes, I thought she might be crazy. Then, I realized she was far from crazy. She was accommodating and wonderful. She gave me humor and love and spontaneity which I did not expect from everything I had heard from her. She gave me the unexpected and the silver lining. She gave me the good in the bad. "Step one is a fantastic place to start," I whispered, looking around the steamy room to the Nurse Hannah and Doctor Rykovich standing in the corner, neither of them having moved much, if at all.

My eyes met the doctor's briefly, but I knew the look on her face, the way she watched Alex and me. It was the look that said she hoped I knew how much I had. I wanted to tell her I did. I knew. I knew how much Alex put aside to be there for me when I needed her, to be there for me like singing to me in the shower of a hospital. I wanted to tell her I knew. I wanted to tell them both I knew. I knew how much I had with Alex, how wonderful my life was because of her. I was a damn lucky woman, even with all of the rain because I had Alex. My own little sunbeam, always there to keep me warm.


	61. Chapter 61

**-A/N: Both songs are by Sting. The partial song is "Fields of Gold" the complete song is "Shape of My Heart." Both fantastic songs, if I do say, and if you get the chance to listen to them, do. They are super soothing. :)**

**Thank you as always for the reviews. Thank you all, too, for holding on so long. I realized today that this the longest I've written a story for fanfic, but as long as you continue to love reading it, I'll continue to write it to the end. I love reading your enthusiasm, speculation, and hopes. Hopefully, this chapter serves as a nice Christmas Eve present, or partial present to whatever holiday you celebrate. I hope to have another chapter up tomorrow, too. If I post up tomorrow, it will probably include Casey and Alex's Christmas as well. **

David had lost weight, most of it muscle weight which I found not just unusual, but odd. It didn't seem like him. And, yet, when he stared at me with those dark eyes, it was all him under there. All the hatred and blame I had become so accustomed to was in those eyes, the blame that I had started our relationship believing was something akin to attraction because I had been naïve and innocent. I had not known better when he first found me, startled, hurt, and confused from my only other 'real' relationship. I had been such easy prey. I still was. If it weren't for Alexandra, I still would be easy to pick off, but it was Alexandra who had taught me what attraction looked like from another person, what like and love looked like, what it meant to be responsible for fucking up but to be well and truly forgiven for mistakes. She taught me that it was okay to mess up, that it was a learning process. The first time I had messed up on dinner because she was teaching me how to properly cook, I had flinched from her, apologies spewing from my mouth, most of which I had no control over saying. Alex had left me standing in the middle of the kitchen, sobbing and half begging not to be hit, while she cleaned and dried the pan, getting out the ingredients again. When everything was set up to how it had been when I had started the first time, she had taken me back to the stove. _Everyone messes up,_ she had said. _That's why you try again. And, when you run out of your own food to try with, you just order pizza. _

It had been startling and almost painful to realize she was not mad at me. Instead, she was smiling as she pushed the tears from my cheeks and held out the olive oil. It had been the first lesson in a series of important lessons I had been learning about what I deserved in a relationship. It was more than just not being hurt or yelled at or abused. It was more than just satisfying my partner. It was about satisfying myself as well, about feeling safe and welcome, about doing things for Alex just because I could do them when I could do them. The last, I was still working on, still getting better at. I knew it brought her happiness to see me happy, just as it made me happy to see her smile. But, I wanted to be more for her. I wanted to be for her what she already was for me.

In just a handful of months, I had learned so much, grown so much, and trusted myself enough that when I looked at David, even though the hate and anger were still there, pools of rage bubbling just below the surface, I saw nothing but the empty anger he had allowed to consume him, and I felt something I did not expect to feel. I felt pity. Here I was, choosing to heal myself for the sake of my relationship with Alex, for Alex, and for Temperance, but mostly for me. I wanted to do this because I owed it to myself to be happy and unafraid. Yet, whatever it was that had made him so angry and hurt and afraid, he had not fought. His demons had consumed him. I did not win every battle with my own demons, but I was well and truly waging a war against them. David had not. He had rolled over and let them take his life from him. And, I felt so sad that he had not the strength to push them back nor the support when it seemed that they were winning. Something had made him the way he was. He was not simply born evil. And, the part of my heart that ached for him was the same part of my heart that knew I could have ended up like him. I may not have been a child when he met me, but I was, in so many ways, like a child. He had destroyed my innocence, marched it out the back door and into a firing squad. And, that could have destroyed me. That very nearly destroyed me. What drove him, finally, to paranoia was my transfer to SVU. What, ultimately, saved me from myself was the same transfer, a transfer that came with Alexandra's 'death.' I have never understood the concept of the butterfly effect until I was staring at his hate filled eyes over the rounded bump of the microphone inside a federal court house.

"Casey, are you okay?" I blinked to see Monica standing before me, hand over the microphone. I jumped, breathing hard. Then, I glanced to my right, to the judge who was looking at me like he thought I might pass out. When I met his eyes, they softened into a look of genuine concern.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "It's been a long couple of days."

"I've been told," the judge said, his voice steady and deep. Judge Harris was at least twice my age and it seemed very likely to me that he had a daughter of his own somewhere. The look he gave me, at least, mirrored the one my father used to give me. "Miss Novak, if you would like ten minutes, the court would be happy to recess."

I shook my head, swallowing. "While I appreciate your office, Judge, I would prefer to just get the questions over with so I can go home. It's a lovely city, but I just don't want to be here." I looked up at him, his station above mine in the room. I had seen myself in a mirror that morning. My injured cheek was so swollen and black and blue and purple that it looked hideous. The stitches were done in a neat line, but showed up a harsh, white line that had been pulled tight in the midst of black and blue skin. The stitches were not visible, but the skin at the stitches was just pulled so tight, it hadn't the opportunity to bruise. My eyes were hollow and sunken from two days of no sleep. A bruise on my left temple drained and spread awkwardly through my face. My neck was finger prints, and that was just what could be seen in court. Because of all of the bruising and the placental abruption, I had been taken off of blood thinners by Rykovich. Prior to discharging me, she had called and spoken with my OB/GYN and my cardiologist, both of whom agreed that I needed to stop the blood thinners. My cardiologist also made me swear up and down that, except for sleeping, I would walk periodically, even if it were just pacing for a couple of minutes.

I knew exactly how broken I looked from the looks of the security guards at the entrance to the court house, when I had walked in, leaning heavily on Alex. My hip killed me from the beating it had taken. Every step hurt. Walking hurt, too. I had known but hadn't truly experienced how much walking effected the pelvic region, but I was finding out that day with every achy, painful step. "I want to go home," I muttered. The judge barely heard me, but from the look on his face, he had heard me. I had been reduced to something so tiny and fragile that I was, again, like a child. I could still hold my own in the world, sure, but it was a greater struggle, a much greater tax. Even the little things that were just inherently me seemed to hold such a large tax on my energy.

The previous night had been fitful at best. My blood work had been returned without any signs of additional toxins, though my stress hormone had been run as well. That was apparently off the chart. I was going to have a neurotic child, one who had been exposed to high stress throughout her development. Still, once the Physician's Assistant had finished sewing my face together, I had been released, free to leave with the admonition that anything worsen, I return immediately to the ER, especially if I had any new or worsening abdominal pain or thought I was having contractions. The agents had driven Alex and I to a new hotel, still downtown, and really not far from where we had been staying.

Alex had held me all night, like I might slip through her fingers at any moment, and she needed to savor me while she still could. I don't think she knew I knew, either, but I had felt her warm, wet tears pooling between my shoulder blades of the shirt I was wearing to bed when she had pressed her face into the curve of my back between the two plate like bones. Come morning, I had noticed a wet spot on her pillow, too, that she tried to play off as drool. We both knew better, but if it made her feel better than I thought she drooled in her sleep, so be it. And, so it was, that I had been up over forty eight hours with little hope of sleeping that night, either. I was terrified of the nightmares I would have. I was terrified that they would find me again in the night, but, this time, with Alex.

The judge nodded his head, and Monica uncovered the microphone, retreating to her seat. David's defense attorney stood up, and I looked at him with a sense of confusion. I felt dazed. I felt like I had been thrown into a position I just did not know. I didn't know what to be or how to go about it. It was not the testifying. It was the everything else.

"Miss Novak, assuming my client ever did hit you, as you've so far claimed-"

"I don't need to assume he ever did anything. First of all, I was there. I know what he did to me. Second, your client told a federal agent what he did to me. There's very little assumption in a confession. Unless, of course, your client was lying when he confessed?" My tone had dropped into the 'then why would I believe he would tell the truth at any other time' tone. I had not meant to interrupt, but I had never been the kind of girl to sit by and let anyone be condescending to me without retaliation.

"Miss Novak, that is not a part of this hearing," the judge quietly reminded me, his voice barely carrying to the attorneys. I turned and looked at him, apology on my face, one automatically on my tongue as came up every time I was cautioned or disciplined outside of what I considered my courthouse. In the Manhattan District Court, I could be powerful and without apology. Anywhere else, admonished, I just felt small. "That being said, it's arbitrary and fruitless to emphasize that anyone assumed anything. Everything is an assumption right now except to those who have personal knowledge which we will eventually hear through testimony should this case go to trial."

"Yes, Judge," we both said, almost in perfect unison, though I think questioning counsel was parroting more than I was.

I dropped my head, staring at my hands in my lap with a ferocity that I did not usually attain. I just wanted to leave. I wanted the questions over and done with so I could leave. Alex was waiting for me just outside the courtroom. She had testified before me. We were the last two to speak before the attorneys started quibbling before the judge alone, even though we should have been among the first. If it weren't for the horror of the day before and for not getting into the hotel until nearly four o'clock the morning of the hearing, I don't think the judge would have granted that we be late. As it were, since there was hard evidence that both Jesse and Andy implied they were acting on behalf of the DoD, and then later, also the defendant, the judge had allowed it and warned both parties that if it were discovered that what my captors had said was even remotely true, they could expect charges laid against them, at minimum, conspiracy. At maximum, whatever charges were then also laid against Jesse and Andy.

"What do you want to know about what David did to me?" I asked the defense attorney, still staring fixedly at my hands as though the world around me would cease to exist if I willed it hard enough.

"I'll rephrase, but thank you. Did you ever see David go off in rages?"

"Yes."

"Could you describe them for me?"

I shrugged, palms up and open on the witness stand, a vulnerable pose. "It was like nothing would calm him down. He would hit and kick and punch and throw things at me almost as though he were driven by a compulsion."

"Did he exhibit any sort of control over himself during these rages?"

"Objection," counsel for the Department of Defense stood, startling me. So far, they had been so quiet that I had forgotten it was they who had called this stupid meeting. "That calls for speculation."

"I hardly think so," I said before the defense could rebut. He barely had his mouth open when I spoke. Monica had been halfway out of her chair to argue her position as well, preparing for a three way battle. No one had expected me to pipe up, including myself, but I was a prosecutor, and no less an attorney than any of them despite their federal status and my mere district status. Either way, I didn't know how to not argue. Not, and especially, if I thought I was right. "I would think I would have plenty to base a factual chronology of how like his rages were to the plethora-" I glared at the defense attorney when I said that word- "of other times he attacked me. I do not believe that my experiences would exceed the limitations of testimony considering that they were my experiences and occurred during a period of time leading up to the event for which the defendant stands trial – my attempted murder."

The judge was biting his cheek, and I could tell he was fighting a smile. I was the only one close enough to see, and the only one timid enough to notice my surroundings so intently. "Counsel?" the judge managed, looking to both Monica and David's attorney whose name I once knew but had intentionally stopped using.

"What the witness said, your honor," defense said.

"Agreed," Monica added. It was so strange to me that prosecution and defense were on the same side over an issue that I had expected to have to argue with Monica. But, that was right, neither she nor her opposing counsel wanted David in a mental institution. Only DoD, by linking a civil matter to the case, wanted David in a strictly psychiatric facility.

"And, Counsel for the Department?" the judge asked the other attorney in the room, giving him a chance to fight back, not an easy task against someone like me.

"If that's the rhetoric, your honor, then I would like to know on what grounds the witness believes herself to be qualified to make these observations. What kind of schooling does she have as it pertains to the issue of personal control?"

Monica opened her mouth, I think automatically, to address the answer, but the judge silenced her, holding his hand up. "Miss Novak," he asked, "do you have an answer?"

After I recovered from my initial shock at being told to act like an attorney, not a witness, I said, "I think the fact that I'm the one reporting chronic physical abuse ending in my attempted murder as part of the investigation would suffice that my experiences are qualified observations. Whether or not you believe he abused me or even has these rages is irrelevant. The purpose of testimony is that the witness is able to explain to the court, as it were, what events occurred. I've repeatedly reported to the agents who investigated this case that there was a pattern of domestic violence in this case. It would not require the testimony of an expert to testify to what happened in that apartment the weeks, months, even years leading up to the charged offense. There are only two people in this world who know what happened in that apartment, and that is myself and David. My knowledge is based on what, objectively, I saw, physically felt, and heard."

The judge looked at me with an appreciative glance. "See to it that your answer remains within those confines, then, Miss Novak."

I nodded. "Yes, sir."

"I'll allow the witness to answer."

I bit my lip. "Can counsel repeat the question?" I had flipped from strong, powerful, and sassy within my element to demure again as the questions returned to my relationship with David. By the time counsel for the Department of Defense was done, I was shaking like a leaf. Monica escorted me away from the stand, getting between myself and David – who had not once moved except to look at me throughout the entire proceeding – and walked me to the back of the court room.

Just outside the door on a little bench, Alex was sitting, one leg crossed over the other, foot bouncing. Adam, out guardian agent for the day, was standing beside her looking about as neutral and bored as anyone could possibly look without being dead. I slid down onto the bench beside the woman, laying against her. Although her hair had been up in a bun when she had testified, she had since let it down. And, it was into that still damp mass of soft, orange scented hair that I burrowed my face, inhaling deeply.

"Now, we wait," I growled.

"You did great," Alex said. "I'm sure of it."

She stroked the ringlets of my curled hair. I had gone strawberry blond in the hotel shower the previous night. I had needed to change something, to make my body mine again to control, and that was the least damaging thing I could do. Just washing him away didn't work, but doing something even Alex couldn't tell me off for had helped. No one could tell me what to do with my body. No one.

A few minutes later, Monica came out, quickly gesturing for both of us to follow her. Even aching, I scrambled to my feet, following her down the hall a little where the other attorneys would not pass us since they would be headed the opposite way. Once they were gone, Monica burst out laughing. "Oh, God, Casey, Alex, you missed it. I swear, between the two of you, you could have every other lawyer cowering. You're both so full of spit and fire and quick to the core. Casey, I wish you were a federal prosecutor. It would be a pleasure working with you. Alex, it's going to a ball working with you, even just translating. I'll take advisement from you any day. You should have heard the DoD counsel after you were both done."

She shook her head. I smiled, looking to Alex who was looking pretty proud of herself. "It makes me so glad we're all on the same team. Anyway, you both did great. The judge retired to chambers to examine case law. He said he hopes to have an answer by this afternoon, but eight am tomorrow morning at the latest. It's up to you if you want to stick around Denver and wait or go back to New York."

"New York," I said without hesitation. Alex looked at me, clearly surprised. "I want to sleep in my own bed and bathe in my own tub tonight, Al. It's silly, but it's really important."

"Then, we'll go back to New York," Alex said. "It's not silly, Casey. It's perfectly normal."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

We were back in my apartment by that afternoon, and I showered for the third time that day while Alex unpacked. Other than the clothes she had packed for me upon my initial return to New York from Santa Fe, Alex's clothes had begun to find their way into my closet. I also permanently had one of her brushes and now kept several spare toothbrushes since I never knew when I would get to see her. She had other basic toiletries in the apartment, too, which just seemed normal for me. There was a drawer in my dresser dedicated entirely to whatever the Hell she wanted to put in there, and she had left things behind the last time she visited. I figured the drawer would only be more full this time. There would come a day when she would need nothing more than herself to visit me, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.

Even sleep deprived, I tossed and turned in bed, Alex laying beside me, tolerating me wiggling in and out of her arms repeatedly. I knew she had to be exhausted, too. I felt bad for keeping her up but I could neither get comfortable nor stay still. I was worried, even if not actively, about the pending nightmares.

After nearly two hours, I felt her crawl out of bed, and I rolled over to look at her. She opened my closet and began pulling all of the spare sheets, blankets, and two comforters from the closet. Without a word, she hauled them out of the bedroom, a small tail of fabric following her out of the door. I worried my lip thinking she was mad at me, having gotten tired of me tossing. I figured she was going to sleep in the living room. She deserved the sleep, but I didn't want to make her mad. A few minutes later, she returned, grabbing her pillow and the comforter from the bed.

I made a noise of protest, but she was gone again before I could get a word out. It only took her a few seconds this time to return to the room. I was already sitting up in bed, struggling with the sheet I had wrapped around myself, dead set on hunting her down and finding out how I could fix my mistake. Before I had much progress with the sheets, though, Alex sat on the bed beside me. "Casey," she murmured, her voice lower than normal. "I want you to lay back, close your eyes, and trust me." I stared at her, my mouth soundlessly working. She just stared back, calm, neutral, and patient, until I complied.

I felt her fingers touch my forehead, gently spill over my cheeks, and fall like leaves down my neck. My body tightened at the memory of fear as her hands sailed over my chest and abdomen, but I did not ask her to stop. She would not hurt me, this much I was always certain of. She stopped the fluid motion of her hands around my navel, pressing her hands down to almost circle the divot in my stomach. Hair tickling my body, even through the sheet and the shirt, Alex kissed my stomach tenderly. I felt Temperance twist inside me, responding almost instantly to Alex's lips against my skin. "I will breathe love into you," she murmured.

Her lips moved upwards, finding my sternum between my breasts. My breath hitched as I willed myself to remain focused on the fact that Alex was my lover, not my rapist. She felt the jump, though, and I knew because she laced her fingers in mine as she moved from my skin. "So much love," she added, carefully kissing my lips, "and only love so that whenever you exhale, you will know that you are loved because it is my love for you that will pass your lips each time, always."

I opened my eyes slowly, very aware of her body in relationship to mine as well as my own body. She smiled, kissing me again, her lips parting just enough that she blew a stream of air into my mouth that tasted of honey with a faint undercurrent of her toothpaste. "Come with me," she whispered, standing as she held out her hand.

I took it, grabbing my pillow as I followed her out of the bedroom. She moved quietly down the short hall to the baby's bedroom, slipping inside. The only light on was a moon and stars nightlight that I had never seen prior to that moment. A little, fluffy looking lamp was curled in the bow of the crescent moon, eyes closed in slumber. It went well with the lamb theme I had going, but I found myself wondering when Alex had found the time to obtain it.

In the middle of the nursery, Alex had made a bed of my spare blankets on the floor. Quietly, she took my pillow from my hands and lay it beside hers before taking both of my hands and leading me forward until we stood in the middle of the blankets. "Casey, this house knows nothing but love. Here, you have been guarded, wanted, and loved for everything you ever were, are, and will be."

Alex glanced around at the bedding. I did the same on impulse. She had lined the comforters with the stuffed animals in the baby's room. It was pretty cute as far as sleeping on the floor went, and given our pillows, I had a feeling that was her intent. I looked back at her to find her already watching me again. "The male village weaver is known for his unique courtship ritual." She stroked the hair from my face, tucking her finger under my chin. "He builds a nest that is sturdy and safe for his potential mate so that his mate and off spring are always taken care of. That next it pretty plain, but it becomes lovely and beautiful and perfect when his mate comes along because she is lovely and beautiful and perfect for him."

I stepped closer to her, pressing my clean cheek against hers. "It's a wonderful next," I whispered.

"It's not much. My life is pretty plain any more, Casey. But, I will give you everything I have to keep you safe and to always take care of you. You're my mate." She kissed me chastely, her hand covering my stomach. "And, Temperance is my offspring."

Slowly, I sank down into the bed of fabric and down. Alex lay beside me, her arm wrapped protectively around me as she pulled my comforter over us. It did not take long for me to settle in to the press of her body and the scent of her, the feel of her skin against mine. And, almost as soon as I did, the exhaustion washed over me like a wave of warmth, and I could scarcely keep my eyes open.

"Alex, I said yesterday that I just wanted to go home but didn't know where home was," I said, pressing up against her more completely, my hand resting over hers on my stomach.

"I remember," Alex murmured, her voice laced with sleep.

"I figured out where home is," I said.

"Oh?"

"Wherever you are."

She smiled into the back of my neck, twisting her face against me in that way she did when something made her blush. It wasn't often that I could embarrass her, so I was somewhat amused that I had. "Then, welcome home, honey." She pulled me against her, wrapping the comforter tighter around us, and that was how we fell asleep that evening, in a nest of blankets on the floor of Temperance's room, curled together, home.


	62. Chapter 62

**-A/N: Hey. Sorry for the lack of Christmas post. Turns out a very relaxing day turned into me being on scene on a child abduction case all day (and, oddly, in court all day today because of it). I have a little something to tide you over, but I really want to do something nice for them for Christmas, so I will work on that just a little longer and hopefully have something up tonight if not between recesses. :) **

**I'll be incorporating some other languages shortly, though mostly Italian. I'll try to get back to some of the French. Not a lot of romantic things going on prior to this. I hope you all like Ireland. I know you'll like Christmas because even I'm "fangirling" over it - be proud, I learned a new term. **

**Thanks for the patience and understanding. Happy Holidays to all of you! **

It was just gone noon in New York when our flight left JFK, and almost three in the morning by the time we got to the hotel. I was so very ready for bed. I never did sleep well on planes, and the long flight had been more uncomfortable than I had initially planned. Alex unloaded my suitcase from the car she had rented for us to get around in, setting it beside hers on the ground. I reached out and took the handle, but she batted my hand away. "Doctor's orders," she reminded me with a soft smile, so I held out my hand to her, waiting for her to take it.

She did, pulling me around close to her very cautiously. All day, she had been cautious around me, but I had jumped when the flight attendant accidentally brushed my arm bushing the beverage cart past. She had been about as embarrassed as I was, and Alex had to explain my way out of that situation. Her hands rested at my hips as she pushed her forehead against mine, wiggling her nose over mine until I laughed. As I quieted, she caught my lips and kissed me. I opened my mouth to her, running my tongue over her upper lip. I think it startled her because she pulled away for just a moment, and I saw the hesitation in her eyes. "Casey?"

"I'm not asking to fuck you, Alex," I murmured. "I can't do that, but can you kiss me?"

She looked more startled at that question than she had that I wanted to kiss her, especially since in the hospital, I had been less than open. "Casey," she murmured, her fingers tracing my ear until she cupped my face, and I pushed my face into her hand, catching her thumb in my teeth. "I don't want to push you. I don't want you to think you have to push yourself just because we're here."

Turning my head into her palm, I kissed her open palm and stepped back. "I won't, Alex. I promise." I blinked back the tears that had sprung to my eyes. "I just don't want to feel dirty."

"No, Casey," Alex murmured, catching me again, even as I automatically stepped back. I knew she would never reject me, but I still couldn't help it. The hesitation had come from the rape, from it being so close in time. Had she known when she first kissed me in Santa Fe that I had been raped that same week? That David had forced me down with the weight of fear and the memory of so much pain? I couldn't remember if I had told her then or not. Still, I could not help the knee jerk reaction that her hesitation had come from the rape. In fact, her hesitation had come from the rape, because she was trying to predict my ability to overcome. I wanted her to trust me in my judgment about what I could and could not tolerate. More than that, though, I did not want her to treat me differently.

I pulled back, and she let me go, dropping her hands down to her side. "What do you want, Casey? What do you need from me?" she asked, looking helpless.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I shook my head. "I'm still me, Alex," I muttered, grabbing my suitcase. I was too tired, too cold, and too hurt for this conversation.

I started for what appeared to be the front door of the hotel, but Alex stopped me, hand over mine on the suitcase. She pried my fingers from the bar, pushing her fingers between mine. I remained turned away from her, and she did not try to bring me back. "I know that, Casey. But, I've been on the other side of your panic attacks, and it kills me to see you so afraid. It kills me that what I said in the hospital bothered you so much that the place you went was back there, back to him."

She let my hand go and pulled up the sleeve of her sweater, exposing her arm and holding it out in front of me. "You don't do that because you're in a happy place, Casey. What I said, what I did put you back there. I know you don't remember now, but dear God, you remembered in those minutes while you were trying to claw your way through me to get out. I don't know what he did to you. I don't know what your new triggers will be, and, yea, I'm going to walk on eggshells until I figure them out because I never, ever want to be the one responsible for putting that kind of fear in your eyes again. That look, that look fucking haunts me."

Turning to her, I noticed the tears that had spilled over her face, and I lost the battle I was waging over my own tears. "Stop it, Alex," I muttered. "Please, stop being hurt over me. I don't want to hurt you. Not physically, not emotionally, not in any way. Fuck." I pushed my hands through my hair, biting back a scream as I spun away again, crouching at the ground as my world went dizzy.

I heard her move, but didn't really know where she went until I heard a crunch on the gravel drive behind me. Her fingers pushed my hair away from my neck, and I felt the chill of the slowly moving Ireland wind across the now bare skin. I went still, my body trembling from the effort of remaining so utterly still. Her lips met the back of my neck at the base of my hairline. In small spurts of soft kisses, she traced my spine. Then, she repeated the action, shoulder to shoulder. It was a pattern she had kissed down my back once before, but I recognized the significance now more than I had previously. Carefully, her lips met the center of the cross she had made, and she pulled me into her so that I dropped to my knees, and she sat behind me, arms around me, face pressed into my back.

"I love you so much, Casey, that I'm always afraid I'll lose you. You have my heart and soul, and no one else has that. If you leave, you'll take all of me with you. I would be okay if you left for something better, someone better than me. But, knowing that I pushed you away because I was insensitive or demanded too much of you, that, I could not live with."

I licked my lips, crossing myself before dropping my chin to my chest, my hands automatically folding at my hips. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," I whispered. "It has been three months since my last confession." Alex stilled behind me, her arms wrapped around my midsection. "I have loved a woman intimately many times, and I plan on continuing to do so. I omitted details of a crime to a federal law enforcement agent because I cannot bare to think that it happened. I hurt the woman I love, physically, and while it may not have been intentional, that's no excuse. I hurt her emotionally, too, and that's even more unforgivable. I fear that I am waiting for my hammer to fall, and in waiting, I am hurting those who care for me the most. I take from her and do not feel that I have been grateful enough to deserve all that she offers. I fear that I have hurt my unborn child in more ways than I could imagine. I allowed a man to beat me. I instigated the violence when I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. And, now, it is not me that suffers my mouth, but the baby whom I profess to love dearly but wonder just how deep my love runs when I allow another to lay harm to her."

I fell silent, Alex wrapped around me still. After a few seconds, she spoke, her voice barely carrying up to my ears. "There is no harm in loving, for loving is our purpose here on earth. If not that, then what else?" She kissed the top of my spine again. "And, who you love is between you, your lover, and God. If He has a problem with it, I suspect He would let you both know." She kissed the next spot down. "As to lying to a federal agent, Casey, under the circumstances, that's understandable." She kissed one more spot down. "When you're ready to tell her, you can. It doesn't change that these men are guilty of what they did to you, and as long as you didn't tell her something happened that did not, it is more than forgivable." I shook my head, and she kissed my lower back.

"Intent has a lot to do with hurting someone, Casey." She kissed my left shoulder blade. "I think in that one, you might need to see if this woman you love so much even holds you accountable. Perhaps, she knows you did not want to do it and would not have in other circumstances." She kissed the middle of my back again. "When you went with those men, you did so both protecting this woman you love and your child. You went quietly where they could have shot you, doing far more damage to the baby. The men chose to hurt you, Casey. You did nothing to deserve it. You did not instigate it by saying anything. In fact, you did exactly what you needed to by surviving. You did what you had to. The injuries to you and to your baby are not your sins. They belong to the men who beat you." She kissed my right shoulder and wrapped herself around me. "God will forgive you because love is not a sin, even if it is a woman you love, and those which are sins are not your sins, your crosses. They belong to the men who hurt you."

I held her hands over my chest, my heart running, hammering in my chest. Looping my fingers between hers, I brought first one hand, then the other, to my lips and kissed each hand. She turned me to face her as we stood, kissing me softly. I stiffened automatically. I wanted to trust that she would let me do what I could do, but a lot of that would depend on whether or not she could do everything I could as well.

She bit my lower lip gently, drawing it into her mouth. She let my lip go, her hands sliding down my hips, cupping my ass. "Let me know if it hurts?" I nodded. She lifted me up. I squealed in a very not adult manner as I wrapped my arms around her neck and leaned against her for support. She tipped her head to look at me, and I moved my hands to her cheeks, kissing her roughly, my legs curling up behind me. I traced every ridge in her mouth that I already had memorized, ending with the inside of her lips, the funny little extra muscle she had connecting her upper lip to her gums right between her two front teeth.

Wrapping my legs around her, I sat on her hands, hissing slightly as my body moved to a position it was not accustomed to since being discharged from the hospital. "Casey, are you okay?" she asked, her thumbs rubbing small circles.

I nodded, leaning my head into her neck. "I'm okay. My muscles protest a little. Let's go check in." I licked her neck as she put me down and I pressed myself against her, kissing her nose. "Thank you, Alex."

Moving her hand from my back, she held something up in front of me that glinted in the outside lights of the hotel. "We already have," she murmured.

"What? When?" I asked, thoroughly confused.

She shrugged. "When I rented the place, I asked if the room key be left with the rental place for the car. They said they were more than happy to."

I shrugged, impressed. "So, which room is ours?"

Alex looked at me, the cottage, then back at me. "The whole damn house, Casey." I stared at the long cottage. We were close enough to the ocean that I could smell it, and the ground, though damp, was green and lush, even in December.

I looked suspiciously at Alex. "Were we ever going to drive the coast?"

Alex nodded. "Yes," she said, grabbing the suitcases and pulling them behind her as she headed for the front door. I tried to take a case, but she shook her head, raising a brow. "The house rents two weeks at a time at minimum, and I just happened to luck out." She gave me that mysterious grin of hers that meant she did more than just luck out, but I didn't question it. In part, I just didn't want to know.

Catching up to her, I took the key from her and opened the door, waiting for her to enter before following her in and staring around the small home. It was a two story building, but the main room we just walked in to did not have a second floor. Instead, the ceiling was the roof, and a small balcony on the east side of the house indicated that the second floor began there and traveled the remainder of the home. The décor was beautiful, a tasteful mixture of antique and modern. Everything was clean and neat. Fresh roses sat in a vase on the table in the main room near the couch, twelve red, one white, and one yellow. Alex had said the white was me, pure and soft; the yellow was Temperance, new and young in the world. The red was love, straight, all around love.

I wandered into the kitchen as she followed me, her hands in her back pockets, apparently amused as I padded around, exploring. A bowl of chocolate Kisses sat on the kitchen counter, the eating area more of a bar than a table and chairs. It was actually perfect for two people. "What do you think?" Alex asked.

"I think it's three in the morning," I said with a cheeky grin. "And, I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to fall asleep in my girlfriend's arms. Otherwise, the house is beautiful. You are one of the most brilliant people I know, especially when it comes to the connections you have and make."

Alex laughed. "I've been accused of relying too heavily on my connections and favors in life," she confessed with a slight blush. "But, I guess it's turned out not half bad tonight." I yawned. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

We spent the first five days running around the town of Baltimore in West Cork, Cork County. The house was on a hill overlooking the edge of the city itself. Really, the real estate was prime, and I did not want to know how much Alex was paying for the place for the two weeks were staying. I just did not want to know. In fact, I made it a point to not consider finances, though I paid for things as frequently as Alex would let me.

We had gone down to the wharf a couple of times and gotten fresh fish. The smells of the dock churned my stomach, and I threw up the first time, promptly embarrassing myself in front of the fisherman. Alex had held my hair back and dumped water on my mess, laughing before kissing my stomach, chastising Temperance for making me ill. Once several of the men realized I was pregnant, my stomach became real estate to hands both adult and child, and I let the little ones press their hands against my stomach while I nibbled chocolate candies to get the baby moving.

I was introduced to one other woman who was pregnant. She was almost six months as well, but she was well rounded, and much tinier than I was. She was a spitfire though, and very opinionated. We got along surprisingly well considering that both of us had a mile wide stubborn streak. Alex and I were invited to dinner at their house which included the husband, Jacob, his brother, Finn, and their brother, Henry, and each of their respective families as well as a couple dozen other men and women, many of whom fit the Irish stereotype to a tee and made me laugh.

Alex had been kidnapped by the men to discuss politics, fishing, and drinking, two of which, I did not think Alex knew a thing about. But, as long as the politics were international, I had no doubt she could keep up with at least one of the topics. Me? I learned different ways to calm a fussy child, all about the latest office gossip as well as restaurant gossip because two of the women were waitresses at a pub nearby, and discussed politics and alcohol – often without knowing whether or not I was talking about politics or booze. I helped out with the meal as best I could, though that really was more of an Alex thing. I felt, strangely, as though I were back with my own family. The split in gender was similar enough to my family to be familiar. But, the easy acceptance of a stranger in the kitchen and evident welcome into a gathering of what seemed to be mostly friends and family was where that line differentiated. My family would never have done that.

Finally, I had curled up against Alex as the two sexes merged into one group for games, chatter, drinks, and desserts. The kids either went to bed or went to go lay down. I had a boy of about five, freckles splattered over his nose even though his hair was dark, dark brown, fast asleep in my arms, his thumb loose in his mouth. I didn't mind, and I didn't try to move him around, even as I grew sleepy. It was in the state between wake and sleep that I realized something that should have startled me, but didn't. The only person Alex had introduced the entire trip so far, except when talking to the younger children, was me. She had never once introduced herself.

"Alex?" I murmured, earning myself a soft hum as Alex's eyes turned to me. "Why does everyone seem to know you?"

She smiled with a shrug. "My parents were wealthy, Casey," she said as though that explained everything.

And, I was just tired enough that it did explain everything. I just didn't question it. I didn't question her. Somehow, I was certain that everything with her would always end up okay. It just would, and I was content with that. I burrowed myself into her, and she adjusted so that she could rejoin the group conversation as I drifted off against her chest, child still secure in my arms. At some point, I felt a blanket cover myself and the boy. I think I muttered my thanks, but I couldn't be sure.

When next I woke, it was to the child being lifted out of my arms and into the arms of his mother. "Thank you, Casey," she murmured as I blinked up at her.

"No problem," I said, my arms already missing the weight and the warmth.

Alex smiled down at me. "You ready to go? Tomorrow's Christmas, you know." I nodded. I had forgotten about that, but I remembered again as Alex reminded me. It was funny how that worked. Granted, in previous years, Christmas had been my get away, my ability to spoil my nieces and nephews as well as my family as best I could figure what presents to get them. This would actually be the first year I did not spend Christmas at my parents' house. Vaguely, I wondered if they had tried calling. I had no cell phone service out of the country, though. "I have presents for you."

I smiled. "You're too good to me."

"Naw. Now, stand up so we can head back up the hill."

Pulling on my jacket, I thanked our hosts and apologized for passing out. They did not seem to find it a bother or offensive. Sarah hugged me somewhat sideways to prevent us from crushing her stomach. I found myself wishing it were that obvious I was pregnant. As it was, my jeans were starting to get a little tight again, and I noticed I had put on some weight. It wasn't a bad thing, I didn't think. My doctor, at least, would be happy. But, it would still be kind of fun to be all kinds of rollie-polie round.

By the time Alex and I made it up the hill, I was wide awake again, and as I sat with Alex on the couch, I realized I had not had my answer satisfied. She had not really told me why none of the adults at the dinner had been unfamiliar with her. "Alex," I started, "what did you mean, your parents were wealthy?"

She shrugged. "Well, my father still is, I suppose. The Cabot family owns properties all over Europe and the Americas. A good deal of them, like this one, are vacation homes that my family rents out when they aren't planning a trip. Some of them are business properties – vineyards and the like. The family actually owns one of the three major fishing corporations around here. Several of the men and some of the women you met tonight work for my father and uncle's company. The family has been collecting them for generations, Casey. I come from very, very old money."

"No shit," I mused. "So, you're actually renting this place? Or does someone in your family know you're alive?"

"No. As far as my father is concerned, Emily Schimke is renting this place for two weeks." She frowned, and for a moment, she looked so incredibly sad that all I could do was wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me. "I miss him, Casey. I may not always have agreed with him, but at the end of the day, I was his Alexandra."

That night, we fell asleep on the couch with me holding her tightly to me. That was also the night I learned that Alexandra Cabot cried in her sleep for the life she had lost by dying.


	63. Chapter 63

**-A/N: My apologies for the wait. Thanks for sticking with me. Technically 63/64 are one chapter, but for ease of reading, I've broken them up. Enjoy. :) ((Updated: Corrected Italian. This is what I get for not proofing my work. I didn't change my English. I'm guessing you all figured it out? I would stop writing when I was tired, but then, I'd stop writing at all! :) Thanks, Loar, I totally missed that one!))**

I woke up after Alex, sometime after the sun had risen, but the lack of clock in the living room made me unsure as to exactly what time. Groaning, I arched my back, stretching my arms up over my head as I lay out on the couch. My back popped with a sick crunching telling me that I had slept far too strangely the night before. I also realized I was starving. I had eaten a massive meal the night before, and I was starving. My stomach growled as Alex appeared above me, her hair in my face, golden with the light of the sun. "You hungry or something?" she asked, smile over her face.

Nodding, I reached up and brought her down to me, kissing her. "Merry Christmas, baby," I purred. Tugging at her, I pulled her back on top of me, and she straddled me, her body up off mine. She was so careful not to lay along my bruises, not to trap me against the couch. The bruises we healing nicely. In fact, except for my hip, the bruises were pretty much gone. She held her body above mine, her legs on either side of my hips, one hand on the couch arm and the other on the back.

"Merry Christmas, lovely lady," she said with a smile. "Come to the kitchen. I've got stuff for you." She kissed my nose, my lips, my chin, then my neck. I groaned automatically. It was just one of those spots, like the spot at my hip that turned me into a ridiculous puddle. Raking my nails over her back, I brought her shirt up, pushing my hands flat along the skin of her shoulder blades. Alex rolled off me, dropping gracefully onto her feet.

I followed her up and to the kitchen. Just before stepping into the kitchen, she clasped her hands over my eyes, pushing her body against me to guide me to the table where she sat me down. "Keep your eyes closed," she said.

I did, and a few moments later, I felt her pressing something into my hands. I felt like a little kid, and I smiled. "Not fair. I haven't had a chance to get my present for you out, yet."

"Open mine first," she laughed. "You can open your eyes now." I did and stared at the box in my hands. The paper was the antique-blue of all of her gifts with the silver ribbon. "You open it, silly."

"But, it's so pretty."

"It's even prettier if you open it." She gave me an innocent look and a mischievous smile. I eyed her suspiciously as I opened it, my fingers automatically careful with the tape and the wrapping paper. David and I had celebrated Christmas one year, but he had freaked out so much when I had ripped the paper on my first present that we didn't get through the rest. I had spent the rest of the day in bed, refusing to even leave the room. After that, I was more careful the next holiday.

I shook my head, folding the tape along the paper so that it was flush. One day, I would stop remembering what had transpired between myself and David at every little event. One day, I would compare this year with Alex to the previous year. One day, I would look at my family and think how much my daughter had grown since last Christmas and laugh when she went from not caring about brand names or price tags to when she had to compete with the other girls in school over materialistic things. God, I hoped Temperance was not like that, but I knew how high school could be.

I pulled the little mahogany box out of the paper while Alex sat down in the chair beside me, her body shaking with silent laughter. "What?"

"Are you OCD?" she asked.

I flushed and looked at the paper, neatly folded on the table. "No," I said. "Some habits die hard."

She nodded. "Okay. As long as you're not OCD because I expect her to rip through her presents." Alex grinned at me as she pointed to my stomach.

"I'm sure she will," I answered, turning the carved wood box over in my hands. "This is gorgeous," I breathed. The scene carved into the top of the wood was an angel with her arms outspread, halo of light shining from behind her. Before her knelt a knight, his hand clasped over a sword stabbed into the ground, his head bowed. I ran my finger along the edge of the carved portion in awe. It really was a beautiful piece. She was right. The present was much more beautiful than the paper.

"Open it."

I found the latch, a worn looking silver piece even though the carving was newer. I liked the touch and knew that the carving would match the clasp soon enough. Opening it proved that the inside of the box held another surprise. A mirror on the lid reminded me of how pale I was; though, as I looked at myself in a second glance, I realized my complexion was much more colorful. I no longer looked sheet white. The hollows under my eyes and in my cheeks had filled out, and I looked healthy again. My eyes looked brighter than they had in weeks if not months. My lips weren't peeling or dry. I looked like myself, and that seemed odd. I glanced up at Alex who was watching me with that intellectual look that made me think she would be a good professor. "You've always been beautiful, Case, but you look healthy now. Happiness suits you."

That struck me, and I stared openly at her. She was dead right. I was happy here, with her, falling asleep every night with her. Waking up to the noises of someone in the house doing something. Or, better, waking up with her still sleeping. Going for a walk in the drizzle of Ireland and returning to have a steaming cup of tea pressed into my hands. Learning to cook properly. Little intimate moments that no one else knew about. I was happy.

A simple gesture to the box refocused my attention, and I glanced down at the beautiful wood. The inside was lined with blue velvet, and at the bottom of the box rested a silver chain. Reaching forward, she plucked the chain from around my neck, pulling the locket from between my breasts, rubbing her thumb over the rose and vines. "They're meant to be worn together. The bracelet on your right wrist."

She placed the locket gently back against my skin. I caught her hand before she pulled away. "Whose were these, Alex?"

"My grandmother's," she answered. "My grandmother gave them to me once I graduated college. She said the only person I was ever allowed to give them to was the one person who would never remove them from the family."

"Your grandma was okay with you being gay?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I had to get it from somewhere."

Startled, I blinked, wide eyes staring back at Alex. "Your grandmother was gay?"

Alex nodded. "She was the first person I ever told because she used to tell me about her girlfriends before she married my grandfather and pretended to be straight. She said the only regret she had in her life was that she was never genuine with herself. When I came out, she told me to never settle for what society wanted for me, that I had to go after what my heart truly wanted." The woman beside me tipped her head and looked at me, exhaling slowly. "Is it okay that I give them to you?"

"Okay?" I muttered, touching the soft, silver chain like it might melt. "I'm so honored, you couldn't even imagine." I had kind of figured that I was wearing a Cabot family heirloom around my neck, but hearing it confirmed was something else entirely. I picked the bracelet, holding it in the palm of my hand. Engraved on the actual links was Italian, similar to the engraving on my locket. The same roses were on every few links, too, without obvious patter.

_I__l mio bacio al tuo polso vive per sempre nel tuo cuore. _"Alex, do you know what this means?"

She nodded. "My kiss on your wrist lives forever in your heart," she answered. "I don't speak Italian, but my grandmother made me memorize what the Italian meant in these cases."

She held her hands out, and I tipped the chain into her palm. It slithered away like liquid, and she caught it, unclasping the hook and fitting it around my wrist. Like the locket, the hook was the old fashioned kind, clearly still an original to the piece, or, perhaps, renovated or made to look like the original.

The weight on my wrist felt surprisingly natural, and I looked at the bracelet as it sat there. It was a beautiful piece, made even more special that it had been Alex's grandmother's. There was a huge significance, though, to me that her grandmother had told her to give it to someone who would never remove them from the family. The implication being that they would go to someone who would never leave the family. I had no plans on ever leaving Alex, and I knew she didn't plan on leaving me. She frequently talked about how, years from now, we would be doing something, still together, and we would look back on all of this.

When I looked at back at Alex, I was smiling so automatically that I could not stop. "I'm glad you like it," Alex whispered, picking up my hand and kissing the back of it. "I have one other one for you now."

I looked at her, puzzled as I bit my lip. "This one's much more practical, far less mushy."

I laughed. "Okay, go for it."

Standing, Alex ducked into the kitchen portion of the kitchen, away from the dining nook and picked up a green and blue over the shoulder bag, setting it in front of me. It was simple, tasteful, and very much not what she had used it for. As I unbuckled the two strips in the front keeping the flap closed, I already guessed what it held. I pulled out the three pacifiers that were on the top of the little pile inside the bag. "I thought you needed a baby bag," she said, by way of explanation. There was a little white hat, a pale green hat, and a pale pink hat. There were two pairs of knitted booties, one pale green with a dark green bow. The other pale pink with a dark pink bow. A blue and yellow rattle hissed as I picked it up, looping my finger through the hole where baby could grab it. There were a couple of toys meant to be hung from a car seat, a knit blanket intermingling the pink and green from the booties so that I knew they were handmade. There were itty bitty hair ties and colorful clips of flowers, butterflies, and birds. There was also a woven silk ribbon bracelet with a bell on it so that it would jingle every time baby waved a hand or a leg. That made me smile. That would drive Mommy nuts. I didn't know about Momma, but Mommy would go bonkers.

"God, Alex, it's all so perfect." She smiled. "Thank you." I ran my fingers over the bag and thought about carrying that around with me, stuffed with wipes, diapers, spare clothes, toys, and general baby gear. It was going to turn everything about my world upside down, but I was so ready to handle it. At least, fiscally and physically, I was. The emotional part would take some getting accustomed to. But, for everything else, I thought I was about as ready as any first time mother could be.

Smiling, Alex kissed my forehead. "I'm so glad you like it," she said. "I can hear your stomach, though, so breakfast is in order." I nodded, realizing again that I was hungry. It was such a rare sensation for me since I became an attorney and my body just learned that sometimes, I simply did not eat for days on end that it just stopped getting hungry, or, at least, it stopped telling me. But, three meals a day plus snack for the past five days had reconditioned my body to think that this was acceptable. And, Alex was cooking with Irish groceries. I had looked at the content of some of the stuff she used. I could not understand how the people in the city weren't obese as those in New York were.

"Can I cook?" I asked with a smile.

Alex looked at me sideways. "Under supervision," she muttered. I laughed. I had tried my hand at actually making a real meal our second night in Ireland, and had succeeded in getting the local fire department dispatched to the house. It really wasn't that bad, but when I had opened the window, apparently someone from down the hill had seen the smoke and called the local fire crew to investigate it.

"Deal. Do you care that it's super simple?" I asked. Alex shook her head. "Okay, because my uncle used to make these for us kids when Daddy couldn't make it home for Christmas." I rooted through the refrigerator for the cream cheese and fruit that Alex had gotten at the local market and grabbed the sliced bread and butter.

Alex watched quietly as I set up, butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't cook much, but I really liked these little breakfast creations that my uncle used to feed us, and I wanted Alex to try some. I knew her parents had not done kid food for her when she was younger. I think it was what fostered such a high class taste in her, but I still felt like she missed out just a little in the gooey goodness of childhood. As I buttered one side of the bread and spread cream cheese over the other, dropping the bread into the pan, I felt a set of arms wrap around me, a kiss landing on my cheek.

"Grilled cream cheese?" she asked. I nodded, spreading the strawberries and blueberries over the cream cheese, setting another piece of bread on top of the fruit, butter already on the side up so that it wouldn't stick to the pan. "I can honestly say I've never had that, Casey."

"Good," I said with a grin. "Because I've tried so much stuff new to me in the past three months that it's about time you tried something new, too."

"I am trying something new," she murmured, nuzzling my cheek. She did not elaborate, though, and I felt confident enough that I knew what she was talking about that I didn't say anything back. I didn't trust my voice. So, instead, I rested my hands over hers as she began to sway back and forth to an old sixties song she started humming. Leaning into her, I let her control the rhythm of my body, just swaying back and forth with her. It was the most natural thing in the world to me.

My simple breakfast seemed to go over well. The grilled cream cheese and fruit sandwiches paired with some of the other fruit in the fridge disappeared from the breakfast table fairly quickly. I was glad she liked something that she had not taught me to make. That, and it gave me courage to try some of the other things that had been made for me growing up. I had to admit, I wanted to start some traditions with Alex knowing full well that the next two Christmases were not guaranteed to us, but after that, I imagined we would be okay. At least, that was my hope and prayer.

In cleaning up, things actually started to become more messy, especially since I decided it would be funny to grab a handful of soap bubbles from the sink where I had been cleaning the pan and plop them unceremoniously on Alex's head. As I laughed at her peculiar hat, I missed her reaching up and grabbing the bubbles from her head and more from the sink until I almost swallowed the bubbles as she mushed them onto my face.

I wiped my face, blinking my eyes to clear them of the remained residue and raised my brows at Alex who was looking at me with a Cheshire grin and eyes full of the promise of an adventure. She tore off through the kitchen, and I tore off after her, chasing her up the stairs as she shouted, "Can't catch me."

She flew through the bedroom door, but that second where she opened the bedroom door was all I needed to catch up to her. I grabbed her around the waist and flattened her on the bed, on all fours over her as she panted beneath me, staring up, her hair a golden fan around her, accented sharply by the red comforter. "Gotcha," I mused as I kissed her, her body arching up to mine as she wrapped her arms around me.

"Play a game with me?" she said as she lay back down, still panting. Above her, my breathing was not much more even as I nodded. Gently, she reversed our positions with a twist that I didn't think I could ever repeat. "Sit up."

I did. She pulled off my shirt leaving me in a blue bra and gray yoga pants in the middle of the bed. I bit my lip, watching her retrieve something from the vanity. It occurred to me that I had developed a habit of lip biting every time I didn't know what was going on. I needed to break myself of that habit, but for now, there was just too much curiosity to worry. My lip stayed firmly between my teeth. "Trust me?"

I narrowed my eyes. "You gonna hurt me?" I asked thinking the question odd.

She shook her head. "No, but you won't be able to see for the game."

"I trust you," I said.

"Close your eyes."

I did. The bed shifted under her weight, and something cool and soft touched my face, covering my eyes. I exhaled slowly, shaking. "You okay?" she asked.

"I'm good," I said, opening my eyes into the silken folds. My instinct was to panic, but I felt familiar fingers on my arms, brushing my bare skin so softly that it was impossible to panic. She brushed the hair back from my shoulders, kissing my neck.

Her tongue ran from my shoulder up to my ear, and I shuddered. Her hand slipped over my pelvic bone, and I groaned, tilting my head, my back arching automatically. "Sit still, Casey. I'll be right back," she whispered. I nodded, excitement replacing the fear.

The door closed behind her, and I sat in the middle of her bed, worrying my lip as I wondered what she was up to. Still, obedient to a fault, I didn't move until I heard her come back. "Alex?" I couldn't keep the fear from my voice. I was not accustomed to not seeing what was about to happen and having a positive result.

"It's just me, Beautiful." Her voice calmed the butterflies. Alex would not hurt me. I felt something on either side of my body, then her lips covered mine. "Promise you'll tell me if anything becomes not okay?"

"I promise," I breathed.

"Good," she purred, and she pulled back.


	64. Chapter 64

Something ran over my skin raising goosebumps. "What is that?" I asked, shivering as my muscles tightened. I didn't think it was what she moved over my skin that caused the reaction, but how.

"You tell me," she murmured.

I paused, focusing on the sensation. "A feather," I murmured, groaning as it crossed my stomach, flitting up between my breasts and over my mouth. She made a sound of affirmation, her hand on my shoulder as she lay me back down on the bed. Her leg pressed between mine, and I slid mine apart, accommodating her. The feather continued its journey over my body, her lips following behind. I ground myself against her leg.

She laughed, pulling her leg back from my groin. "Uh, uh," she said, kissing me. "Not part of the game."

The feather disappeared from my body, and I whimpered, already missing the soft caress. "Rules?" I whimpered.

Alex's fingers walked down my sternum to my navel, drawing circles around my belly until I was squirming. The moment I moved, though, the touches stopped. "You have to guess what object, other than me, that I'm touching you with," Alex answered. I could hear the smirk in her voice, as though she weren't expecting me to ask the question that I had. I nodded my assent.

The fingers resumed their travels across my body, tripping over my hip like a waterfall. I felt my muscles contract in my groin. I couldn't help it. "God, you're beautiful," she murmured, and I felt the feather return, tracing my hip where her fingers had just been, where I swore with enough focus, I could orgasm from that spot alone.

"Rule two," she said, and I heard her smile. I whined, a sense of dread settling in my chest. Not the kind of dread that came with abuse, but the kind of dread that came with being denied something well wanted. "You can be aroused, but you cannot attempt to touch yourself, touch me, or in any way, shape, or form increase or relieve your arousal."

"Fucking lawyer," I mumbled. The feather disappeared, and I felt her physically move away. I moaned in disappointment, fully understanding what she expected of me. Sarah and I used to play a similar game. Not nearly as coordinated or stimulating as this game with Alexandra, but Sarah and I had made a clumsy game of riding crops and sex. Sarah had more easily fallen into the role of issuing orders, and I had fallen to taking them. Maybe it was what had made me such an easy target for David. I naturally took orders well.

She sat back from the bed, and I heard her playing with something on the night stand. "I won't touch you again until you agree," she purred.

"Alex," I moaned. She didn't respond. "Okay. Agreed. I won't do those things."

"Do what things?" she asked.

I chewed my cheek. "I won't touch myself or you. I won't try to satisfy my arousal or do anything to increase it."

The bed shifted under her weight again, her fingers returning to my skin. Her fingers looped in my pants and pulled them down. I arched my back, letting her undress me more easily. She planted a kiss at the top of my underwear. I clutched the bed sheet to prevent myself from arching my back. "Good girl, Casey," she breathed over my stomach, her next kiss on the inside of my thigh. I whined. She pulled away. I almost protested, but something trickled over my stomach. It was cold, as though it had been in the freezer, and for a moment, I thought it had. She ran the object along my bra, over my breasts. Even in my bra, my nipples hardened.

"Ice," I gasped, fighting to not touch her. In having to fight the demand to not touch her, I realized how frequently during her time with me that I did touch her. I liked touch more than I realized I did, though Alex was really the only person in my life that I touched and I allowed to touch me. Sometimes, Olivia or Fin put a hand on my shoulder, but that was rare. In extremely rare circumstances, Elliot or Munch would touch me. None of the other attorneys would ever touch me, and I didn't count handshakes.

The trail of water dripped cool down my warm, hot skin, lighting my nerves of fire. The cool touch of ice vanished, lips pressing against mine. Her tongue pressed my lips, and I opened them for her. Mostly melted, the ice cube dropped into my mouth, her tongue wrestling mine around the small, rounded object. Her body pressed lightly over mine, nestling between my legs. I pressed up into her, and she pulled herself away. "No," she murmured, her mouth hovering above mine.

I cried out in frustration. "This game is hard," I pouted.

"You've gotten them both right so far," Alex said, laughter in her words. Her breath was warm and smelled of cinnamon against my face.

I pursed my lips, my brow furrowing. "That's not what I meant, and you know it," I grumbled.

She kissed me. "Are you not having fun?" she asked.

"You're kidding, right? I'm wetter than a goddamn water slide. The last time I was this wet, you made me pass out."

Alex laughed, full and throaty. "Then, maybe I better stop," she purred.

I shook my head. "God, no. Please, please don't leave me hanging on this one, Alex." I whimpered softly to accentuate my point. That, and I knew she was a sucker for my whimper.

"Casey," she said, her voice concerned but losing its edge. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Alex, I'm asking for this. Fuck, Cabot, I'm begging for it." I felt her hand slip between my legs, and I opened them more to make things easier for her; not sure if the rules still applied, however, I refrained from pushing myself into her hand. "Please, Alex. Please. I need you." I moaned when she touched me, but her fingers disappeared before she really did anything. "Alex."

"Jesus Christ, Casey." I squirmed. Her mouth met my breast, wet and warm after the ice had chilled the skin. Her fingers found the clasp in the middle and she undid the bra. That time, she complied with my wishes, precisely and carefully carrying me over the edge, batting my hands away when I tried to touch her, to reciprocate, a gentle warning of 'rule two' on her breath each time, though she did not stop. She did, however, hold my hands to the bed, her hands covering each of my wrists when her warnings proved ineffective.

I still couldn't see, and that made it all the more erotic. What did it for me was when I realized she was wearing only her bra and boy shorts, her skin pressed flush against mine as she played over my body like a well learned musician. When she finally let me go cascading over the edge, it took an added ten or so minutes for me to stop seeing stars behind the blindfold. Then, it took an extra five minutes for me to see again and realize that at some point, Alex had taken the blindfold off. For those precious few minutes, I felt like I was outside of my body, floating on a cloud of darkness. I was entirely vulnerable, unaware of my physical surroundings. But, I was okay with that because I knew Alex wouldn't leave me like that.

And, indeed, I was right. When I came back around, Alex was laying quietly beside me, her head propped up in her hand as she watched me. I smiled, not trusting my voice. I couldn't quite feel my body, but it was all slowly coming back to me. For her part, my blond looked like she was the cat that didn't just eat the canary but was also satisfied about playing with it before she ate it. "You okay?"

I nodded, my eye lids fluttering. I was more than okay. Not only did Alex trust my judgment enough to give me that, but I was also okay enough to let her do it. In truth, I had been a little apprehensive that I would have a panic attack, but I hadn't. She had led me through everything so perfectly, and even when I had felt insecure or hesitant, she had addressed each issue almost seamlessly. I wanted to ask her if she had ever done it before, but that didn't seem like a fair question to ask her. "I love you," I mumbled.

"I love you, too."

I rolled on my side, facing Alex. "How do you do that?" I asked, folding her hair back behind her ear. Her brow knit in confusion, and I laughed. My communication skills were frequently in a jumble following any sort of sexual engagement with Alex. It seemed that it made me prone to forgetting to say what I meant to say. "Find new and exciting ways to fuck."

"Oh," she said with a modest shrug. "Well, don't ever spend too much time with me, then. You'll exhaust my limited knowledge." Her hand rested lightly on my hip, over the mottled brown and gray bruise that was just so close to healing.

I watched her face as she stroked her thumb over the bruise. "What's going on, Wonderful?" I asked as the pained, distant look crossed her eyes. I had seen that look a handful of times, but more and more frequently of late. It worried me that something was so weighty on her mind, but I had no idea how to broach the subject. My best guess was that it was the holidays, and she missed her family. In reality, it could be any number of things.

"It's Christmas, Casey," she murmured, her eyes flicking back to mine as she forced a smile. I hated that she did that, forced herself to be happy for me. It meant that she wasn't really happy, and I didn't want her to jeopardize herself for me. That just seemed wrong.

I rubbed my fingers over her lips. "Don't, Alex. Don't pretend to be happy if you're not."

"But, I am happy. I'm happy to be here with you. I'm happy that you're safe, and so is Baby. I promise, Case, I'm happy. I have so much to be grateful for.

I nodded, fairly certain that I understood. She had a lot to be thankful for, sure, but not everything. Something twisted inside of her, and she felt guilty because, elsewhere, she had so much. I knew that feeling all too well. "But?" I asked, sitting up and reaching over the bed for my shirt, discarded on the floor.

Alex watched me tug it on in silence before I curled up next to her. "Does this have to do with last night?" I asked when she didn't respond at all.

She sighed, nodding. "A bit. I've never spent a Christmas without them, Casey. I was hoping to one day be able to bring the woman I loved home with me, introduce her to everyone. I always had family, but I've never seen anyone at the holidays, let alone been in love. Now, I had love, but my family is so far away. The damnable thing is that it's not true death or even miles that keep us apart. It's this big, fucking secret that I'm still alive. And, now, with my mom gone, too, there's two empty seats, two deaths in twelve months. I used to cook for Christmas. I mean everything, Case. It was a pain in the ass, but it was my role. Mom would decorate the house so that it was just perfect. Who's going to do that this year? Will anyone? Fuck. The rest of the year, even as a child, I was lonely, but at Christmas, we were a family. A loud, noisy, typical family.

I lay my fingers against her cheek, just the tips touching her skin, the rest of the finger hovering above her flesh at an incline, quietly waiting for her to continue. She looked like she wanted to say so much more, but I saw the wheels working. She was thinking about what she said before venting, making sure to only vent so much. I wished I could make her believe me when I said she didn't have to consider what she would say around me. The truth would suffice. "Don't get me wrong, Casey. I have a great family right here, and we have a bright future ahead of us-" She trailed off, as if suddenly worried about how I might take her confession.

"But, you're still lonely," I finished for her, my lips brushing hers. It was my first Christmas with only my partner as well. Even in previous years, David and I had been to my parents' house. My family hated David, but I think we all knew, at some level, just how dangerous it would be for me if they banned him. I think my father was well aware of the abuse, even if he wouldn't admit it to himself. Having us over for the holidays was his way of checking up on whether or not I was still alive.

She nodded. "That makes me sound so ungrateful for you being here, though. I'm really not ungrateful. That you're here, with me, is the best Christmas present ever."

I pulled her against me, wrapping my arms around her. "I know you're not ungrateful, but I know you can be happy and lonely at the same time, too. I know how much I mean to you, and I hope you know you mean the world to me, but to be the odd one in your family, the one cast out, I get that, too. I know you can't help that you had to leave, and I know they wish that you could be there with them today, too. But, it's a damn lonely feeling knowing that you can't have what you most want, particularly when all you want is the comfort of your family." She nodded her agreement. "I know it's not much, but I'm here for you right now. And, in three years, you can go back to them and explain."

"Casey, you are not a consolation prize. That you're here right now is everything. I don't want you to ever feel like your presence is not always the most precious gift I've ever been given." She snuggled herself against me, and I held her close, my face pressed against her soft hair.

It took her a few minutes, but she wiggled away, looking at me as though uncertain. "Hey, other than my presence, I have something for you that I hope you'll like."

I hunted through the drawers I had claimed for my shirts and found the little box I was looking for. I grabbed the two other boxes from my suitcase and brought everything over to the bed, setting them beside where Alex was sitting. "There's actually a couple more at home, but I didn't want to bring them."

"Casey," she said, her face a warm flush. "You didn't have to get me anything."

I laughed. "Says the woman who keeps giving me family heirlooms," I said, holding up my wrist.

She flushed. "They look good on you."

I handed her the largest of the three boxes. "Open it."

She did, picking the cashmere pull over from the box with care. It started at the neck a light gray, fading to a warm blue at the bottom hem. Alex held it against her body as she sat up on her knees on the bed, staring into the vanity mirror across the room. "Holy crap, Casey. This is beautiful."

I grinned, watching her. The pull over did exactly what I had hoped it would and brought out the natural blue sparks in Alex's gray eyes. In fact, it was safe to say that the blue exploded from her eyes and emphasized just how stunning her beauty could be. Of course, I was bias.

I managed to tear myself away from her. "There's something else in that box, too." She folded the pull over, setting it aside as she dug out the smaller, long, heavy box. Opening it, she tipped the perfume into her hands, popping the cap. Sniffing it, her eyes widened and she stared at me. "Is that okay?" I asked, somewhat pensive. This had been the one gift I had been uncertain about.

"How did you – Casey?" Her mouth closed as she smelled the bottle again, spraying just the tiniest amount onto her wrist. It was different from her usual citrus but not overtly so. I liked it, and I was glad that she did as well. "Thank you. How did you know?"

"I asked your uncle," I said. "He regarded me as strange until he saw the locket. He asked if he could see the pictures inside. I figured that was a fair trade."

Alex's eyes watered as she held the bottle to her chest. It was the same scent her mother had worn for the past thirty years. When Alex had told me her mother had died, I had talked to Judge William the following day. "Does he know?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I only told him that I had the pleasure of loving you before you died and that I was naming my daughter after you. He said you would have liked that. I just left out the part where I continue to have the pleasure of loving you."

"You are amazing," Alex murmured, crawling to me across the bed and hugging me.

I hugged her back, laughing. "And to think, that's only the first box." As Alex pulled back, I handed her the second box, slightly smaller than the one the pull over had been in, but about the same thickness. Setting the perfume with the clothing, she placed the box in her lap, carefully unwrapping it. She was not quite as neat as I had been, but it turned out that I was not the only one who studiously removed wrapping paper.

She removed the silver frame from the box, holding it out. At the base of the frame in elegant script, it read: _Baby's First Year. _There were eleven small ovular holes around one larger hole, each one labeled with the respective month of life, one through eleven. The large oval in the center of these had been labeled _One Year_. Around the outside, in each of the four corners, were circles, each already filled in.

The top left was a picture of me. I wasn't looking at the camera, but then, I hadn't known my photo was being taken. I was still smiling, though, and I had been told it was a great picture because of how natural I looked. I had lost my courthouse legality and slipped into the sporty, outdoorsy, ride-your-bike-everywhere woman I was. I had also been told that even just looking at my face in the image, and this from Olivia, I looked pregnant in that happy, warm way. Part of the squad room acted as a background. Apparently, Elliot's second eldest daughter had been taking a photography class at the time, and she had used us as unknowing subjects. She had given me the picture after it had been graded.

The top right was a picture of Alex. It was one of those professional ones, with Alex perched on the hood of a Mustang convertible in a blue summer dress, the wind lifting her hair gently around her as the sunlight glittered through the trees to her right, casting an angelic glow over her. Beneath my picture had been engraved _Mommy. _Beneath Alex's, the term _Momma _had been scribed.

The bottom two pictures had Temperance's ultrasounds in them. The left image was the one that I had first gotten, the first time I had ever seen the kidney bean shaped peanuty thing inside me. There was a yellow arrow through the gray fuzz pointing to a gray-white blob, the word _Baby! _nearby indicating what it was. The second was one of the more recent ones with Tem sucking her thumb, her face turned partially so that it looked as though she were trying to see out of my stomach.

"I'll send you pictures every month, Alex. You can pick what you want to put in these ovals. Then, when you and I are living together, we can hang it in our home."

Alex smiled and leaned forward, kissing me. "You are extraordinary, Casey Novak. I never thought I would be so lucky."

I grinned. "Good. I'm glad you think so because the third present kind of banks on that." I handed it to her, and she glanced at it with a look of confusion. The box was about as long as my hand, roughly one and a half times the width of my hand, and about two fingers thick. She pulled the paper off to expose a purple velvet box, _Alexandra Jane _inscribed in the lid in gold. Opening the box, she picked out the note, written on rice paper with silver ink.

"Car, vois-tu, chaque jour je t'aime davantage, Aujourd'hui plus qu'hier et biens moins que demain," she read with a small smile. "Gérard."

"Oui," I said with a nod. "You are too smart for your own good."

She just laughed. "I'm a hopeless romantic, Casey," she said, her voice soft as her focus turned again to the box, the rice paper carefully laid into the upturned lid by her leg. The chain was silver, as was the pendant, though the pendant was also colored by rubies and white – not colorless – diamonds. The heart shape was three dimensional and rounded, the silver and gems coming together to make an intricate, yet classical, design. Her lips parted as she picked it up, her eyes darting from the necklace to me.

I gave her my own version of a Cheshire grin. "There's something inside the pendant, too. When you figure out how to open it, let me know what you find by answering the question." She turned the heart between her fingers as if looking for an easy entrance. "Until then, can I see it on you? I wasn't sure how the rubies would go over."

"Amazingly," she breathed, handing me the necklace and turning as she bunched up her hair. Latching the clasp, I moved her hands to let her hair drop down, combing it out with my fingers. She turned, facing me again. "Well?"

I was staring into her eyes. I didn't look down at the jewelry. Alex could wear anything or absolutely nothing at all and still look just as ravishing to me. "Gorgeous," I murmured, leaning forward and kissing her. "Anyone ever tell you that you're a fabulous kisser?"

"I figured I must be," She mused. "You keep coming back." I swatted at her playfully, and she grabbed my hips, pulling me down onto the bed on top of her, pulling me in for a kiss. I obliged, happily, a low growl in my throat.

Coming up for air, I sat up, straddling her. "Hey, Alex?"

She hummed her acknowledgment, her fingers rubbing my hips.

"I know this is the first Christmas either of us have been without our childhood families, but this is, by far, the best Christmas I've ever had."

Alex's eyes floated up and over my body before meeting mine. She smiled, and I felt something in my chest and stomach tighten. If I could make her smile like that every day for the rest of my life, I would die happy. Jesus fucking Christ, I would die so happy. "Mine, too."


	65. Chapter 65

**-A/N: Thanks for your patience. :) Kind of stressful chapter, but it is the start of a series of events that will lead through the next several chapters, possibly the end of the story (with a sequel to come if you all decide that you want it.)**

I stared at the shoreline from the small diving boat, my stomach churning to all Hell. It was five days after Christmas, and Alex had finally relented to my begging to see the shoreline from sea as opposed to the sea horizon from shore. I must have lost my color because Alex kept checking on me, her hand cool against my forehead. "Casey, if you don't feel well, we can go back to shore. Really."

I shook my head. I would have felt stupid after five days of persistent hint dropping and finally pouting to get her out here and after Will had been so gracious to take us out. We had been in Ireland for ten days and were leaving in another four, and I, in a completely cheesy manner, wanted to stand on the deck of the boat, wind in my hair, and just stare at all that green land stretching out before me. From a distance, I was hoping the low buildings and roads would vanish and that all that would be left was the illusion of the reality, the wilderness just eating everything whole. I had seen the concrete wilderness of my home city once from a ferry deck, the smoke rising up, more painful than anything. My soul had hurt on that ride. And, with everything so recently past, I just needed something so utterly primordial and freeing.

Alex wrapped her arm around me as I leaned over the railing and threw up. Normally, I didn't get seasick. I had been on ferries, boats, schooners, yachts, and a slew of other man and machine powered sea vessels that I had never been sick on. At least, I could blame Temperance. Whether or not it was her fault, I didn't know, but I could blame the kid. "I'll be okay," I answered Alex with a steady but green smile.

"Sure, when you've nothing left in your stomach," our impromptu tour guide and boat captain said with a laugh as he joined us on deck. We had roped him in last minute, and he had been very happy to oblige. William was Steven's father, the little boy who had fallen asleep in my lap on Christmas Eve. "Take a seat. I'll get you some water."

"You don't have to do that, Will," I said quickly. Alex was already looking at me with both brows raised as if saying I needed to sit before it was no longer an option. Sighing, I sat down. The view was no less splendid, but I felt something of an invalid, not able to stand on my own two feet.

The Irishman handed me a bottle of water anyway. I took it with thanks and sipped from the plastic container. With the cool water over my throat and mouth, my stomach almost instantly felt better. I didn't want to drink too much, though, lest it be counter productive; eventually, it would be nice to be able to stand back up.

"Da!" a little boy's voice rose from the stern. "Casey! Alex! Stop the boat!" The five year old brunette child who had fallen asleep in my lap on Christmas Eve came racing to the front of the boat to us, half falling into my lap. "Adam jumped off the boat."

The little boy looked up at me, terrified. "He said he could swim as fast as the boat and that he'd show me, but I don't think he's fast enough."

My seasickness vanished instantly, and I found myself on my feet at the back of the boat already pulling my sweatshirt and long sleeved shirt off. The cold spray from the winter Ireland sea flecked my now bare arms and I was reminded of why winters in New York made me want to call in sick and spend the day curled in the apartment with a can of cocoa and gallon of milk.

Vaguely, I could see the color of flesh moving in the water. The waves weren't actually unmanageable for an adult, but between the sheer cold of the water and the fact that Adam was seven years old and far too small to be considered adult sized, they seemed to swallow him. "Keep the wake away from him best you can," I called out, pushing my jeans over my hips and kicking my shoes back.

I felt Alex's hand on my wrist as I moved back to give myself room, but I pulled away, running, airborne a moment later. The water was like crisp ice as it enveloped me. I had jumped, once, into the Harbor in New York when I worked for FDNY in the middle of the winter after a woman who had fallen off the same ferry I had been riding. I had been off duty at the time, but instinct had prevailed, and I had jumped in. I had been reamed for being reckless after when the medics and the fire department met us on land, but I had also been given a Class Two award. The Harbor hadn't frozen over since the 1700s as far as anyone knew, but the temperatures still dropped to deadly.

This water, though, seemed heavier than that time. Maybe it was because I wasn't in as fabulous a shape as I had been five years ago. I pushed and kicked and clawed my way to the surface, the water seeming to freeze the air in my lungs. Up from down was difficult to tell the difference, and even when I stopped moving, I didn't drift upward. I stayed stagnant. Opening my mouth just enough to let a small stream of air out, I followed the sensation of bubbles against my cheek.

My fingers hit the cold air above the frigid water, but it somehow seemed warmer, and I pulled in that direction, gasping. In all honesty, I felt like I was coming forth from some sort of primordial ooze, being born again into the human world from something darker, colder, and deadlier. I opened my eyes and looked around, frantic for the small child. If I was this cold, I suspected his body was starting to shut down. There was no telling how long he had been in the water. Steven was five and had a very basic concept of time. We had all just trusted that the boys knew to not play in the water while the boat was moving. I had trusted that. I shouldn't have. They were children. Of course they would do something dangerous that, to them, seemed perfectly logical and sound.

Something moved in the water about twenty yards from me, and I swam in that direction. In all truth, I was both pleased and surprised at my strong strokes pushing my through the water. I had figured my muscles had deteriorated much more than that since I was banned exercise. The movement had stopped, and, estimating that I was close, I found myself under the water again, fingers searching for the feel of flesh. What I found was not anything like the flesh of someone alive and vigorous. It was cool and stiff, but I had touched enough corpses that had entered rigor to know that this was human. I grabbed it, pulling it to me through the sludge, and I kicked.

I kicked up until I could choke down a mixture of air and water again. I pulled Adam onto my stomach as I rolled on my back and I kicked in the direction of the boat. Something landed on Adam's stomach, and I grabbed for it, the rope rough and prickly in my hand. _Good, _I thought. I was just too tired to keep up kicking for much longer. My body was exhausting itself just trying to keep warm enough to keep me alive.

Then, suddenly, Adam was gone from my arms, and someone was pulling on me, trying to get me out of the water. I grabbed for whomever it was, pulling myself out of the water and onto the back of the boat with a considerable amount of help. Alex was already wrapping the boy in blankets, her fingers on his throat as she stared at me, eyes wide. "Casey, help. You're the medic."

My body was too stiff to respond immediately, but I managed to crawl over to her. "Clothes off. Take his clothes off. They'll freeze." I was still shivering, my words punctuated by the chatter of my own teeth. I pulled at the boy's clothes, but it was Alex who had to take them off. Hands grabbed at my clothes, too, making me cry out, however feeble. "No."

"Yours, too, Casey," Alex said. And, then, I was naked, and crying, my tears hot down my face. A blanket covered me quickly, and I looked at the boy. "He's not breathing."

Steven, I noticed, was clinging to Alex's waist. Will was staring down at his oldest son. I shook my head. "You're not dead until you're warm and dead, Alex," I chided. I could feel the sensation of weight against my body that came before unconsciousness. I was accustomed to the feel of it with David. My peripheral vision had turned into a gray muck, and I forced myself to focus on the kid.

Alex continued to wrap him in a nest of blankets. I shook my head. "He's got no heat of his own. Will, stop staring and get us back to shore. Radio for a medical response." I chattered, not sure how understandable I was. Alex repeated me with the force and authority of a Cabot. The seemed to snap Will to life, and he moved back to the navigation controls of the ship. "Steve, go help Da."

The little boy removed himself from Alex and attached himself to his father, likely afraid of why his brother was so pale he was translucent. His lips and fingers and toes had the blue tint of cyanosis, and I was sure mine matched. "Al, I don't have enough body heat. Take off your shirt." She did as she was told, cradling the boy's body to her, gasping when his skin touched hers. I wrapped the blankets around them both, albeit clumsily, before pulling my blanket around me.

Alex was shivering by the time we reached shore, but the boy had some color returning to him as his skin defrosted. She picked him up and carried him out onto the dock, me stumbling not far behind. Fishermen from the wharf came to us, someone taking the boy from Alex. Shouts to call the medics thundered in my skull. Vaguely, I heard Alex yelling to warm Adam up. All that was keeping me standing, I realized with a sort of slow moving dread, was adrenaline.

I stumbled and fell, still conscious, but barely. Someone smelling strongly of fish and salt picked me up, cradling me against him. My reflex was to gag, but nothing came up. My body couldn't even respond to the ripple of waves crashing over me, demanding that I vomit. Teeth chattering, I found myself doing as I did whenever I was too afraid, too stressed, or too sick to comprehend much else. I turned to my upbringing, to my religion despite not practicing, not attending church, and generally not agreeing with the masses of the Catholic faith. "To thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me."

My teeth chattered as I exchanged hands. I felt the sensation of warmth through my stomach and felt a moment of panic. Temperance. In the brief instant I had made the decision to leap from the boat, I had forgotten about my own child. The cold would not be good for her. I panicked. What had I done? Then, I felt soft, warm fingers against my cheek. A brief kiss landed on my lips, and I felt nothing but peace. Peace and darkness.

Something stuck in my arm, and I cried out, my back bowing. The heat, the sheer heat of everything hurt. My muscles ached with too much effort, and I screamed, though it hardly came out a noise. I knew my eyes were open, but I saw nothing but flecks and patches of gray on a dark background. Something seemed to be swimming in the gray sea I was staring at, but I couldn't make out what. It churned the patches until they roiled together. Then, I felt something against my cheek. Fingers, again, I swore. Then, lips on mine, over mine, so soft and gentle. Whispers tickled the back of my mind, though I couldn't figure out what they were saying. It was two men talking. I would have sworn they were arguing.

Hands covered my shoulders, shaking me. Something covered me that felt like feathers. I tried to turn around, but I couldn't look away from that gray muck. There was the sensation of a hard, needy kiss, a mouth at my neck, hands around my body. Something heavy pushed into me. "No," a soft voice said in the back of my mind. "Not yet. Go." The weight against my front disappeared suddenly, and hands clasped my shoulders. "Go." I screamed as I fell, pushed into the sea below me. The water enveloped me again, and I swore I was jumping off the boat all over, though this sea was hot. I hit the muck with a splash, the heat covering my cold body. I screamed, bubbles rising before me. It was too hot, too much.

Then, I was kicking, twisting, and fighting to get out. The ocean closed in on me, and I had to fight to move, pushing myself further and further down into the depths of the gray because up wasn't an option. The temperature cooled as I delved deeper, the color changing from gray to black, and then to a crystalline white smeared with a pasty neon green as I broke through, my eyes snapping open.

Someone had been staring down at me, a face. They were gone, but not before I saw the look of fear cross their face. "Doctor," a woman called, "She's awake."

Suddenly, I was aware of being in a room, hooked up to machinery. I knew enough to know that it was a hospital, even if it weren't a hospital in New York. The first person in my room, however, was not a doctor. It was a blond woman who looked panicked and sleep deprived, and I wondered how long I had been unconscious. Alex's hands were shaking as she touched my face, her thumbs running beneath my eyes.

"Hi," I whispered.

She laughed. I closed my eyes. She kissed each lid. "Hi yourself, sleepy girl," she murmured, though I could hear unshed tears in her voice. She smiled, and I plucked one hand from my face, holding it firmly in mine. I hadn't thought about her, either, when I had jumped in the water. I had just gone, a rush of pure instinct pulling me off that boat.

"I see you're awake," a man's voice said from nearby. I hadn't seen him enter. I looked to him and nodded, his fiery red hair making me think him all Irish. "You don't seem worried about waking up in a hospital."

I laughed. "It happens more often than you think."

"Jumping into a below freezing sea to save a boy? I hope that doesn't happen often." He smiled warmly at me, introducing himself as Jeremy Hale.

"You have clearly not lived my life," I mumbled. "How is Adam?" I genuinely wanted to know. It was important to me to know that he was alright, or, if he wasn't, what had happened.

"Alive thanks to you. He's in the pediatric ward, recovering from severe hypothermia. Are you his aunt?"

I shook my head. "Just a tourist," I said with a shrug.

"He's a lucky kid."

"What's his recovery status?" I asked, recalling that Alex had said she couldn't feel him breathing. Unconscious was better than being dead if unconscious didn't mean dead in a few days.

The doctor slowly sat down. "He's been unconscious for eighteen hours. If he hits the twenty four hour mark, we start to worry. His chances of waking up start to decrease after that."

I nodded, biting my lip. "But, he's otherwise breathing on his own?"

"Other than being unconscious, all bodily functions are under his control. He'll survive with minimal medical intervention, even if he doesn't wake up." I frowned, making it murder if they didn't provide the medical intervention. In short, all he needed were nutrients. I prayed quietly, hoping that the boy would wake up soon.

I felt solid movement below my navel and pressed my hands over my abdomen. Temperance moved against my hands. "How is my baby?" I asked.

"She's doing really well. You're right on track for twenty five weeks, Casey. The cold didn't appear to impact her at all which is good. Normally, I wouldn't be surprised if that kind of shock had sent you into preterm labor."

I laughed, and the doctor and Alex both looked at me strangely. "I got the stuffing beat out of me a couple of weeks ago, and the doctor then said the same damn thing." Alex smiled softly. "This baby does not want to be out here."

"That explains the bruising," the doctor said with a shrug. "And, I suppose if my mother got beat up and had hypothermia in the same month, I wouldn't want to come out, either. It's much safer and warmer in there, it sounds like. Are you planning on such an interesting 2004?"

"I am planning on a nice, quiet 2004," I said with a smile. Glancing up at Alex, I reached for her hand. She clasped mine and held it to her chest. "When will I be discharged? I'm supposed to go back to the States on the third."

"It's December 31st for another few hours. I imagine you'll be out of here to ring in the new year somewhere else." I shrugged. Somehow, it didn't really matter where I was. Adam would still be here, and that sucked. "You have people in the waiting room wanting to see you. Can they come in?"

"Yea," I said, slowly. I didn't know who would be here to see me. "Sure."

"Sarah and Jacob," Alex said.

"Oh." Not that it really solved anything. If nothing, it was a greater mystery. Why would they be here to see me? Mary and Will were their friends. I could see them wanting to see Adam, but not me. Still, I smiled. The doctor didn't need to know that.

"Try to be more careful. I'll let the neurologist know you're up. He noted in your chart that he wanted to run an assessment on you."

I nodded my thanks. He disappeared, replaced by Sarah and her little round belly and Jacob, the man who had picked me up on the wharf when I had passed out. It turned out that Sarah and Jacob were Adam and Steven's godparents and were incredibly close with the family. Steven was staying with the two until his parents pulled themselves together enough to have him back or until Adam woke up, either one. They had both been back and forth between my room and Adam's with regularity. Apparently, and what surprised me most, was that Will had, too. I would have thought he wouldn't have left Adam's side.

It took almost an hour for the neurologist to arrive, but I passed the test with flying colors. One of the nurses brought my blood work chart back and showed me, because I didn't believe any other way, that I was neither anemic nor dehydrated. I still did not entirely believe her, but if it were true, it would make sense. I had been eating filling, healthy meals regularly and had been relaxed, working on everything at my own pace – well, the pace I had that matched Alexandra's. I had been sleeping as much as my body needed me to, and though that was more often at first, it had leveled out to about six to eight hours a night in the past week. Now, if I could figure out how to stop landing myself in the ER every few weeks, I would be one happy camper.

Of course, that would require that I stop doing stupid shit. I looked to Alex as she lay beside me, sighing. "I'm a long way from getting this right," I said. "You sure you wanna stick it out with me?"

Alex wrapped her arm around my shoulders and drew me to her. "Right? Oh, honey, you've almost got it damn near perfect. I just wish you could see it." I looked down, picking at my nails. "Yea, you risked your life and Tem's, but you did it for the right reason. Adam was in danger, and you were amazing. I can't believe you just jumped in after him. I can see why you made a good medic. I wonder, too, if you wouldn't have been a half bad cop."

I smiled. "Don't suggest that to Olivia. She's still sour at me for barging in on those first few crime scenes and trying to run the show."

"As attorneys, we can but try, Casey. The shows tend to run themselves. We're just left trying to catch the strings we can after all is said and done."

I nodded, curling into her, imagining running down the street after a bunch of pretty colored ribbons flailing in the wind. Some days, that was exactly what life felt like. Forget my job, that was just life. "I suppose," I murmured.

The doctor returned long enough to tell me I was being discharged before an overhead page called out a cardiac alert and the man disappeared out the door faster than I could imagine possible. I dressed in the clothes that Alex gave me – a pair of jeans and a hoodie. She had forgotten my underwear and bra and I gave her crap for it in a playful manner. I didn't truly mind, though. I just appreciated the thought she had in fetching me clothes. My hair was a matted mess, and she gave me the rubber band from her hair to pull it back so I would look a little normal stopping by Adam's room before we left.

When Will saw me, he pulled me into a crushing hug. "Thank God you're okay, Casey," he murmured, holding me against him for longer than I would normally be comfortable with. I went to pull away, fighting the panic rising in my throat, and I realized he was sobbing. Vaguely, I wondered if he even knew I was there any more as he cried into my shoulder. Will was shorter than I was, but not by much, and it made it easy for him to bury his face against me. Unsure of what to do, I simply held him, offering a wild look to Alex. My heart was hammering in my throat. I knew he needed comfort, but I needed air. I didn't want to panic. I just couldn't help it.

"Will, how's Adam doing?" Alex asked, carefully taking his hand and pulling him from me.

The quickness with which he cleaned up his tears and sat down with her told me he was embarrassed. I really didn't mind. I just hadn't had anyone adult and male so close to me in a while, and I hadn't realized how much it still scared me. I felt worse that I couldn't get over myself long enough to help comfort the father of a very sick child. "The doctor said he's doing okay. They won't really know much until he wakes up."

"Do they know why he's still out?" I asked. Will shook his head. There wasn't a great deal of physical trauma that I was aware of outside of the hypothermia. Usually, it had been my experience that, once warmed, people tended to come around again. Like me, I was alright, up and walking and talking and being myself again. "I'm so sorry, Will. If there's anything I can do for you or Mary, let me know."

"Thank you, Casey, but you've done so much already. You saved him. I didn't know what to do, but you saved him. Without you, he would have drowned." I sat down beside him and squeezed his hand. "You're Catholic?"

I nodded. I wasn't sure how he knew, but that didn't matter. Maybe Alex had told him.

"Pray for him?"

"Of course," I answered. I held his hand in silence for a few minutes, the three of us just sitting there. I could feel the weight on him as it brushed out around him. It was such a heavy burden, and I couldn't imagine what he was going through. What would I be going through if our roles were reversed? If it were Temperance instead on that bed at seven years old. God, I couldn't imagine. I didn't want to imagine. It was too painful. "Can I see him?"

Will nodded, not getting up. I let go of his hand and patted his shoulder before standing and following Alex into the room. It was a cute room, painted in different colors with trees and birds depicted as well as cartoon style rabbits eating carrots in one corner. Adam looked so peaceful on the bed that I almost thought he was asleep. Mary sat beside him, her hands around his, head bowed.

Carefully, quietly, I came to Adam's bedside and knelt, my hands folding over, head bowed in prayer. Mary was whispering a plea to Saint Anthony to make her son well again. In silence, I appealed to the Virgin and to Saint Jane. A child alone in death, to me, seemed as much an orphan as a child alone in life. When I had nothing left – I made it a point not to bargain or promise anything when I prayed, merely to attempt to appeal for assistance or guidance – I looked up to find Mary staring at me with a sort of surprise and gratitude.

"Thank you, Casey," she said, her words soft.

I took her hand. "You have nothing to thank me for, Mary. I hope that your son is alright, that is all."

She nodded. We sat in silence, and I didn't even realize that Alex had left until she knocked on the door to reenter. "Casey, we'll come back tomorrow, but let's get you home. Mary, can I bring you anything? Do anything?"

Mary shook her head as I stood. "Call if anything changes?" Mary nodded. "Alright. Try to get some rest. When he wakes up, he's probably gonna want to do something fantastically fun. He's such a good kid."


	66. Chapter 66

I stood on the deck of the cottage just outside the bedroom, blanket wrapped around me as Alex disappeared in and out of the house. She kept bringing things out, but I didn't know what because I hadn't stopped staring out to look back. After several trips inside and out, I felt her hands around my waist. She pulled me tight to her, and I let her, neither helping nor hindering. "Come on, Casey," she murmured, "I know you're hurting right now, but you can't blame yourself for what happened."

Alex twisted me around, and I looked at her, watching her lips, unable to meet her eyes. "I could have done more."

"What difference would it have made, Casey? Honestly? And, what would you have done?" she asked, ever logical. I shook my head. There was nothing. She was right. I was beating myself up over something I could not have done differently. The only thing, really, was to have noticed before Steven told us, to have kept an eye on the boys, to know that they wouldn't do something like that. I felt like I had failed there. If I couldn't remember to watch these two boys on a boat, how could I know I would watch Temperance? And, then, not thinking of her well being going after Adam – I couldn't decide what that made me. I was glad to have gone in after Adam. I would have kicked myself if I hadn't and he had drowned. But, as it was, I was pulled between two children – mine and someone else's. I had been lucky that nothing had happened to Tem, but could I be a halfway decent parent if it was only sheer chance that she was still alive?

"I could have killed her," I murmured. "How do I justify that choice? How do I justify any of this, Alex? It's not just these past couple of days. It's everything. I've chosen work over my kid. I've chosen to fight this whole thing every step of the way. I was supposed to be on bed rest, and I never stopped going to work. I was supposed to change my eating habits, and I never did. I was supposed to stop exercising, and though I haven't played ball or ridden a bike, that hasn't stopped me from running around too much at work. Yea, Olivia picks me up in the mornings, but I still walk from the courthouse to the office to the precinct, sometimes multiple times per day, and I wasn't even supposed to do that. Flying was risky. I knew I might have a panic attack, even a mild one. I've been so selfish. I've made her my second option in everything, not my first. She's been an after thought, and it's by the grace of God she's still around."

Pulling me against her, Alex sat us both down in a chair, and I curled against her, shaking. "Casey, if you really feel this way, then start now by doing what you think is better. You're the only one who really knows what you can and cannot do. I'll be here on the sidelines cheering you on, but I cannot make these decisions for you. I love you, Casey. And, I love Temperance. I know you love her, too. If you think she's been on your back burner, that's fine. If you want to make her your front, that's fine, too. You just have to do it."

I shook my head. She made it seem so simple. "I have been having nightmares," I confessed. "About Jesse. I keep seeing Temperance like him, looking like him. I can't help it. He looks the least like me, there are the fewest number of features I could pretend were mine. And, I wake up thinking I can't do this. I don't want this. It's not fair of me to keep changing my mind, to punish her because I don't know what I want, but I don't know what else to do. There are days, many of them, minutes, hours, where I don't want to acknowledge her existence. I don't want to acknowledge any of this. But then, when I do, when it's safe and okay to do so, I hate myself for ignoring her. I'm so fucked up, Alex. So, so fucked up. And, she's paying the price. You're paying the price. It's selfish of me to expect that of either of you."

I felt Alex sigh, the air exhaling through her lungs. Her heart pounded against my ear. "Casey, I knew from the moment I met you that you were someone's victim. The first time I kissed you, I kissed you knowing your self esteem was all but shot outside of your element, your court. I knew that someone had put those marks on your body. I knew you had been hurt, and I knew enough about hurt to know that it would be a long time before it went away. I also knew that if I pushed the issue, if I pulled you into my life on a permanent basis and if I went to your life on the same, I knew that there would be some of this. There would be a lot of this. Quite frankly, Casey, I came into this knowing this, and I would not have come this far if I were not willing to help you shoulder some of your burden. If I were not willing to love your worst, I would not have loved you at all."

I lay on her, my eyes closed, just breathing in her scent. Here was this perfect woman who loved me with all her heart, and I didn't deserve an ounce of it.

The first firework made me shriek and jump straight out of her arms, sprawling out on the deck, hands over my head. "Casey, Jesus." Alex wrapped herself around me as I trembled on the deck, my brain trying to process the loud noises. Her warm body lay flat against mine, pressing me into the cool wood. "Honey, breathe. Take a couple of deep breaths. They're fireworks, nothing is going to hurt you."

Gasping, I took in air, whimpering. "Don't let him take me. Don't. Please." I clawed at the deck and tried to get the weight off my back. Alex slid from me, grabbing my hands. My nails pressed into my palms, her hands keeping my nails from her skin even as I tried to claw at her, at everything.

"Casey, hush. Honey, focus. Listen to me. Listen to my voice. You're safe. No one is going to take you anywhere. You're here. You're safe. You're with me, with Alex." I pressed myself into her, twisting back into her lap. I was pathetic and stupid, pitching these fits. I wanted them to stop. I wasn't in control of myself, and it wasn't getting better. It was getting worse. I was having a progressively harder time dealing with all of this, and I didn't know how to go about making myself better. I started counseling once I returned to New York through the local rape crisis center. Dear God, I needed it. "Hush, honey. There you go, it's okay."

I wrapped my arms around her neck, burrowing into her like she could somehow save me from myself. I knew it wasn't really possible, but it was a hope, an attempt. Alex curled her finger under my chin and lifted my face. "Wanna see what all the fuss is about?" I nodded. "You have to open your eyes, baby."

Slowly, I did, exhaling slowly as the colors lighting the sky lit up my vision as well. Fireworks really were pretty, and their significance was not lost on me. Gradually, the boom of the gunpowder became a part of the surroundings; my heart stopped racing like a greyhound and returned to the normal thud of everyday living. I loosened my grip on Alex's body and looked at her. "Thank you."

"Happy New Year, Beautiful Lady." She kissed me, softly, slowly, letting me take the lead when I pulled her tighter to me, exploring the warmth of her mouth until I was comfortable enough coaxing her back into mine.

"Happy New Year," I murmured, pressing my forehead against hers, smiling like a fool.

When I managed to untangle myself from Alex, she poured us both flutes of sparkling grape juice, handing me one before curling herself up beside me on the wicker couch. I loved that she didn't drink alcohol around me because I couldn't drink it, either. I had long since told her that I didn't mind, but she seemed happy to limit herself to my limitations. It was sweet. After Temperance was born, though, I didn't think I could breast feed. First of all, I needed to get drunk. It wasn't a healthy coping mechanism, but one night black out drunk would be amazing. More importantly, though, I didn't know if I could handle the whole concept.

Smiling, Alex unwound the blanket from me and covered us both with it, stroking my hair. "So, resolutions? And, how long will it be until you break them?"

I laughed. "Um, not really a resolution, but I can't wait to play softball again and get back in shape. That's gonna be this year, and I don't think I'll break that. I used to play for the DA."

"I know," Alex said with a mysterious grin. "I did my research when I picked my chairs."

I laughed. "As for actual resolutions, I want to get better at dealing with my panic attacks and not burdening those around me so much with them. I want to be able to get better as a prosecutor, too. I've got your conviction record to beat." I winked at her. "And, I also want to be a good mom."

"I think you'll accomplish all of that, Casey. I have total faith in you."

I flushed. "Thanks. What about you?"

Alex pursed her lips. "Hm. Start going for a run every day since eventually, I'll have to keep up with you. Figure out a way to see you more often, even if I have to drag you out to Wisconsin with me. Open this pendant." She picked up the trinket in her fingers and held it out.

Smiling, I took it from her. "You haven't figured it out, yet?" I asked, kissing her cheek. Alex shook her head. "Don't try too hard. It's really a lot easier than you're making it."

Alex reached forward and undid my locket. "Not as easy as this."

"Somethings aren't supposed to be that easy to get to."

Her brows went up. "Really now? So, there's symbolism to all of this?"

I leaned up, kissing her. "Maybe," I whispered as I pulled away. "That's for me to know and you to find out."

"Casey, you're such a tease."

"Maybe," I murmured, bright red. I looked to the sky as the fireworks began to crackle and fizz, the style changing. "Maybe not. That's for me to know and you to find out."

Catching me off guard, and I was happy to find that my guard was down, Alex wrapped her arms over my hips and pulled me into her lap, her mouth on the back of my neck. I squealed at the movement, but the sensation of her lips on my skin quickly dropped the noise from my mouth into a low moan. She seemed to so naturally find those tiny places that even I didn't know about, that she had never found prior. A new place every so often. Her tongue danced over the warm, wet spot she left behind, her fingers dancing up over my arms.

"God, Alex," I purred.

She laughed, holding me tighter against her, her legs sliding open so that I could slip between them and lay more comfortably on her. Her fingers pulled my shirt up just enough that her hands rested on my skin, dancing small circles and patterns over me. Temperance was big enough, developed enough, and close enough to the skin taut over my stomach that she could feel Alex's hands on my stomach, and she reacted. I lay my cheek against her chest, and for that instant, everything just fell so perfectly into place.

We were a family, and no one and nothing could split us up. I held her hand over Tem's body, the baby pushing back against the pressure of our combined hands. "You're the closest thing she's going to have to a father, Alex," I murmured. "Are you okay with that? I mean, really okay with that? I don't want you to feel pressed into it or burdened."

Alex nuzzled my neck. "I'm not the closest thing she'll have to a father, Casey. I'm far from the closest thing." She stroked my hair back, and I froze, unsure of what she was going to say. "There are two things that separate me and her biological father. The first is that I would never do anything to you against your will. The second is that I lack the ability to biologically be a father. Other than that, I am that child's father, Casey, and I don't want you to ever fear anything different. No matter what happens, I'm going to be there for you and for her through the rest of my life. I don't care if she calls me Momma, Alex, or Daddy, but I'm not the closest thing she's got to a father, I am her father. Fuck whether or not I'm a boy and the boy-girl rules that means the father is a male and a biological donor. I'm not the closest thing, Case. I am."

Grinning, I relaxed back into her. "You don't care if she calls you Daddy?"

Alex laughed. "If that's what you want."

"I like Momma. It's what I've been referring to you as already anyway, when I talk to her." I looped my fingers through hers and squeezed. "She knows your voice, too."

Biting my shoulder, Alex squeezed my fingers back. "I can be Momma. And, you'll never pressure or burden me into anything, sweetie. I already told you, if I don't want to do it, I won't do it."

"I guess you'll have to remind me," I teased. "You know how forgetful pregnant women can be."

Alex laughed so hard that I couldn't help but laugh with her. It actually tickled to have her laughing so close to me. "I love you, Casey. You're such a dork sometimes. Who fucking knew?"

I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her fingers. "Sh. It's my little secret."

"It's safe with me."

I cuddled against her, and we whispered in the dark as the fireworks stopped. It was nothing special, but it meant the world to me. Alex and I talked about the baby in April and how she would try to be in New York unless I chose to go to Wisconsin. I didn't think I could go to Wisconsin. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I had an OB in New York and everything set up at the hospital by my apartment for delivery. I didn't think I wanted to take so much time off from work to set all of that up in Wisconsin as well. Alex had accepted that and just let me know to call her and keep in contact with her should anything change so that she could try to be there, too.

I appreciated that, reassuring her that I would keep her updated with everything. I wanted to ask the Marshals if we could have direct contact as opposed to having to go through James or Tony every time. I wanted to be able to call her at one in the morning when I couldn't sleep without feeling bad that I was waking up an agent as well. All things considered, I was sure they would let us.

We talked about other things, too. We talked about whether or not it was better to go through a private daycare or use a nanny because eventually, I would be going back to work, and Tem would need to be cared for. "Hey, Al, I was doing some research into this. And, um, in Ohio recently, the state supreme court upheld a joint custody agreement between two women. I mean, that would make you Tem's next of kin no matter what if we could do the same."

Alex's fingers stopped untangling the knots in my hair. "Really?" I nodded, looking up at her. "We could try it. We can talk to Monica about that, too. That would be a lot easier than something mixed up and muddled as guardianship papers. What about delivery?"

I shuddered. "I don't want to think about dying during that mess. I'm hoping not having been on blood thinners will minimize the risk of bleeding out. But, that might just put me at a higher risk to the cardiac condition. I've got something back in the apartment started on that, though. I'll need your input and proof reading skills before we both sign it. And, I'll need to find out how and where to file it given that you are but you aren't Alex." I shook my head. "Why does this have to be so confusing?"

"Because the law is confusing."

"Tell me about it."

"No less confusing than the difference between right and wrong," she quipped.

I laughed. "Less confusing, I think," I argued. "Law is far less confusing than morals."

Alex sighed, nodding. "Alright. I'll stipulate to that. Law makes us feel better about our moral dilemmas. Don't do it because it's illegal is far less arguable than not doing something because it's wrong."

I smiled, turning so that I straddled her on the wicker couch. "So, does that mean I should or shouldn't fall in love with you?" I offered a mischievous grin as I pushed her shirt up, exposing her belly to the cold air since the blanket was firmly about my shoulders. I watched the gooseflesh climb instantly over her white, white skin.

My question gave Alex pause because she looked at me for a moment, her eyes intense and focused. "The law has never addressed the issue of love, Casey. Safe, sane, consensual sex between adults? Yes. It is a domain that, unfortunately, the law has tried to govern and failed. Marriage? Yes. But, love? No. Human law cannot tell you who to love. And, I know you do, but I don't believe in the divine to follow divine law. As far as I'm concerned, so-called divine law is nothing more than human law with a fancy name. You and I know that, more than anything, human law is flawed. It's why Congress meets so frequently. The law cannot tell me who I love any more than it can tell me who I hate. It may never let me marry you, but it cannot tell me not to love you."

Grinning down at her, I shook my head. "You are such a dork, Alex Cabot," I parroted her words to me back to her. "Who fucking knew?"

"Sh. It's my secret."

I just shook my head. "Oh, Alex, what am I going to do with you?"

"Love me?" she asked, her eyes kitten wide. "I ask for nothing else, and not even that if you don't think it possible."

"If you had told me a year ago that come 2004, I would be well on my way to motherhood and head over heels in love with a woman, I would have laughed. It would have been such a fine joke a year ago."

Alex smiled, her fingers following the line of my face, down my side, and finishing at my hip. "Oh, how very far we've come," she murmured.

"And how much farther we can yet go," I added.

She laughed up at me. "Dork."

I stuck my tongue out at her. "Takes one to know one," I teased.

"I know you are, but what am I?" Alex snickered, unable to keep a straight face. We pretty much degraded from there until I took off shrieking back into the house because she licked her finger and stuck it in my ear. I pounded down the stairs and into the kitchen, pulling the freezer open and grabbing ice which I proceeded to chuck at her as she caught up with me.

She didn't seem to mind the little frozen pellets enough to not grab me around the waist and hoist me over her shoulder in a fireman's carry. "Alex, Alex, put me down," I panted before realizing I had a handful of ice cubes still in my hand. Figuring I'd pay for it later, I stuck them all down her pants and pressed my hands over her ass to keep them in place.

"I am so going to drop you, you wench," Alex laughed, and I slid off her shoulder onto the table. I was laughing so hard I was shaking, and Alex was fairly close to the same. "God, I love you." Grinning down at me, Alex shook her head. "I don't tell you often enough, Casey, but I do."

Catching my breath, I looked up at her. "I love you, too, Alex."

"Here's to a great New Year," she said, her fingers dancing along my quieting body. I still shook lightly from the residue of the laughter. My grin was still wide and dorky, I was sure. Alex's smile was huge, but it had settled from a grin to a simple smile.

"Peace, quiet, fortitude, and the hope of you and me together."

"As a family," Alex added.

"For now and always?" I asked.

Alex nodded. "Yea, baby, for now and always. You're my family, no matter what."


	67. Chapter 67

"You can't change what happened," Alex counseled as our plane touched down at LaGuardia. She had been saying that a lot over the past two days. "You did more than most would, Casey." I hadn't said anything since boarding. Much of the flight had been her trying to coax me into talking to her, or at least acknowledging that I heard her. I really hadn't spoken much since January first, and it was late at night on the third in New York City as we stepped off the warm plane and into the chill airport. My mind was clouded and bitter. I was angry, sad, and hurt. I blamed myself; I blamed God; I blamed every angel, archangel, and saint I could think of. I blamed fate. It wasn't the big bad monsters this time. There was no one I could hunt down and punish. Of everything that had happened to me, that I had seen since starting to work with Special Victims, my first dose of reality had come New Year's Day. Alex and I hadn't even been to sleep.

We had been cuddled together in the blankets, whispering about all of our plans for the next year when the cottage phone had rung. Adam had flat lined not even five minutes gone midnight, and medical staff had not been able to revive him. The next day, we had all learned that Adam had a moderately rare cardiac condition which would have killed him before his next birthday anyway. The exposure to cold just seemed to speed up the process. So, no. It really wasn't my fault. That didn't stop me from blaming myself. I had not been able to stop replaying that day in the water in my head, everything I could have, should have done differently. I had lost patients as an EMT before, even children, but never a person or a child that I knew.

The agents had picked us up from the airport, and I loaded my suitcase in the back, snapping at the agent who tried to assist me. I hadn't been in the best of moods since Adam's death, and I just seemed to deteriorate. Everything just pissed me off. It didn't help that I had a headache since take off that had made every noise seem nothing less than a constant thrum against the back of my skull. Both agents stepped to the front of the vehicle, leaving Alex to try to console me. "Stop it," I barked. "Stop touching me. Stop trying to comfort me. I don't want it."

Alex cradled her hand against her chest as if I had physically hurt it. Then, she offered me the most wounded look I had ever seen. I sighed. So much for resolutions, particularly those concerning being nicer to Alex. "I'm sorry, Lex. I just can't hear that it wasn't my fault again, not now. I need to have this be my fault for a little while because then who the fuck else can I blame? Someone has to be responsible."

Shrugging, Alex put her bag in the back of the car beside mine. I knew int hat one movement that I had pushed her to her limit. I had been just enough of an irritable asshole that, love me though she may, even I had overstepped that bound. "Fine, then," she said with a huff, slamming the trunk shut. "It is your fault, Casey. You should have done more. I don't know what, but you're the fucking expert. You say there was something you could have done, then there was something you could have done. Fuck, why don't you guilt trip yourself all the way back to that morning. Hell, I suppose you could have been watching them, couldn't you? Instead of being sea sick and stubborn. Jesus, you could have said that you didn't want the kids to come along on the mini-trip." Alex was yelling now, and I felt myself shrinking away from her. "Fuck, the whole damn trip was your goddamn idea. So, yea, Casey, go the fuck ahead and blame yourself. Because I couldn't have stopped it. I couldn't have stepped in and told them no kids on the boat ride. I couldn't have watched them. I couldn't have vetoed the idea knowing that the sea was fucking cold and if anything happened away from shore, we could have all died. I could have suggested a fucking helicopter ride instead. You do what you need to to get through this, Casey, but it's not your fucking fault."

I practically fell over the bumper of the car, stumbling and landing on my butt as I looked up at her. I felt like I had been punched, but it was the tears running down her face that made me feel like the biggest asshole in the world. That had been a family Alexandra had known long before I became a part of her life. Before I had even dreamed of being a lawyer, she had been running with these people as children through the dewy grass surrounding the house. Had Sarah and Jacob and Mary and William grown up with her? Had they been playmates?

Alex held herself as she leaned against the car. Both agents were far enough down the lot that they could see us and give us the illusion of privacy. I looked back to Alex and realized I didn't have the answer to the questions about her childhood. Did she just not share? Or did I not ask? Had Alex known Adam since birth? I didn't know when the last time she had been to Ireland was, but with family money like hers and a cottage at her disposal, I imagined she had been at least once over the course of seven years.

For a moment, I stared up at the dark sky, the stars swallowed by the city lights. It was nothing like the nights on the deck in Ireland. The air here was tainted. And, I was too afraid I would start irrationally crying to even blink. When I finally knew I wouldn't cry, I looked back at Alex, chewing my cheek as I stood and took her hand, pulling her well and truly out of ear shot of the agents. She came with me, but there was a deep reluctance in her gait, like I had finally done something wrong. I didn't blame her, but it did strike me as painful. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm an asshole. How are you doing with this? They're your friends."

Alex stared past me, and I didn't expect much from her in response. "I'll survive," she said, pursing her lips. "In some ways, they were more like my family than my family." It was cryptic, and I knew just enough about her to know that she was holding something back. It wasn't that she was hiding anything, I didn't think, but she was hanging on to that last shred of something, something I might not like or she might not be able to say in public, any public, including me. Since meeting Alexandra Cabot, I had learned that the only thing private about her life was what she did when no one, absolutely no one, knew what was going on. And, I had to wonder just how often she felt that really was.

Biting my lip, I sighed. "I love you, Alex, do you believe that? Even when I'm an ass and don't act like it?"

She nodded. "Of course I believe that. Love doesn't make you a perfect person even if you're perfect for me. I'm sorry I pushed you. I'm still trying to figure out all of your emotions and how you handle them all. There are days when you curl so tight against me, I think you're trying to climb inside of me. Then, there are days when you don't want to be touched at all."

I smiled softly. "I don't know who's harder to figure out. You're just stoic all the time. Let me in?"

Slowly, she reached for my hand, as if unsure whether or not I would take it. I did not want to be touched, but I raised my hand to hers and pressed against her, palm to palm. I carefully lined my fingers up with hers. Hers with just a smidge longer. If I were a third party looking on, I wouldn't see the difference, but I was me, and I knew every inch of that woman's body. She was just a smidge taller and her fingers just the tiniest bit longer. I marveled at her hand against mine, then looked to her eyes. Just as slowly, Alex pulled her hand away. "You don't have to lie to me," she said. "If you don't want to be touched, Casey, you don't have to be. I never want to take that away from you."

"It's when you say and do stuff like that when I realize just how fond I am of you. Here I am, the biggest asshole in the world. And, here you are, making sure I feel safe and comfortable being so. If anything, Alex, I think I sometimes walk all over you. I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you when it's okay to touch me if you tell me what's going on inside your head." Reaching out, I took her hand in mine, holding it firmly.

She looked at me, and the tears I had seen when she yelled at me, that had disappeared as suddenly as they had appeared, slowly sank down her cheeks. "Okay," she whispered. "Okay. I'm afraid. I froze up on that boat. I should have jumped in the water, not you. If I hadn't frozen, you wouldn't have been exposed, and neither would have Tem. You're right, she has survived so far by the grace of whatever. But, it shouldn't have to be that way because I'm slacking. If I had acted instead of you, you would have been warm enough to treat Adam on the way back to shore. As it was, you were in and out of it so much that I couldn't do more than hold him against me. If it had been you awake and alert and warm, you could have done something for him. He might still be alive."

Staring at her, I pushed the tears from her cheeks. "We are so much alike, Alex, it scares me. You are such a Catholic. I don't care if you don't believe in God. You have enough Catholic guilt to serve us all. Even if I had been warm, there wouldn't have been anything more I could do for Adam than you did. He needed body warmth to get his blood circulating again. CPR would have had no effect. He was so cold, he was essentially frozen. The heart condition killed him. The cold just accelerated the process."

I held her hand up to my cheek and rubbed my flesh along the bones of her knuckles. "In terms of actually saving him, neither of us could have done more, and different likely would not have changed a thing. You're right. There was nothing more that I could have done for him, and for that, I am sorry. But, there was nothing more you could have done, either."

Alex nodded, her palm unfurling against my cheek. "We have a lot of work to do as people and as parents."

"I think that's what makes us decent people and decent parents. We know we can still learn so much more, be so much better. I want to do this right. I want to do us right and the family right. I want to raise Tem right. Not perfectly. I want to make mistakes and learn from them. I want her to get mad at us because we're being parents. I want to get mad at her because she's being a kid. Is that silly or strange? I want it only because it means we're a family. I can't do eggshells, Alex. I'm not an eggshells kind of person."

"That's good," Alex mumbled, "because I had enough eggshells as a child. And, if we're going to do this right, then I guess we both need to pull our heads out of our respective asses and do it."

I laughed. "Just like that, huh? Just do it."

"Like Nike says," Alex mused with a shrug and a grin. I punched her arm lightly. She fended me off with a small slap. "Can we go home now? I have twenty hours before I have to be back at this stupid place, and I want to spend them all with you."

"On one condition," I said with a grin.

"What?" she asked.

I leaned forward, smile huge before it faded and I kissed her chastely. Her eyes fluttered closed, and her breath slowly slid from her body like a weighted bucket being pulled from the well. Maybe some of the emotion she kept down there would begin to come up so that each time the bucket dipped down, there was less and less to bring up.

Stepping away from her, I smiled. "Agreed," Alex breathed.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Friday was the first morning that I noticed it. Two weeks in Ireland, and a week working from home had done wonders for me. When I went to bed, I was actually sleeping. I could focus better. Even my mood had improved which was nice because it had been fairly sour all week. But, it was Friday morning that I finally noticed it, and I couldn't figure out if I had just been blind to everything before or if had just happened so fast. I kicked my sweatpants off in the warm bathroom, heated by the steam of the shower, and ran my hands over my body, closing my eyes. It felt wrong. It just felt wrong.

Absently, I glanced in the mirror. I had finally become accustomed to really looking at myself for the purpose of appreciation, not the criticism I was so fond of giving myself. Alex had proven herself physically attracted to me many times over, and I had resolved to work on my self esteem by learning to appreciate what she liked. My therapist thought it was a good start – I had met with her the first time on Tuesday and had appointments scheduled every Saturday at three.

My eyes first met my own. _Les émeraudes vertes, _she had called them. Actually, it was something else that she had called them initially which had made me laugh, but when I pointed out that there was no language – English, French, Romanian, German or otherwise – that the phrase made any sense in, she had changed it to make me shut up. I think I sometimes got on her nerves about that. I would have to try to stop, even if she was sweet enough to grin and bear it.

Following that, I traced my fingers over my Slavic cheek bones. The red hair aside, I was very Nordic in my features. I ran my nails along my jaw line, over the bite Alex had left, marking me for all the world to see, and to my lips. They weren't thick or full, but neither were they thin. In typical Caucasian fashion, they were somewhere in between and a deep pink until I put a softer, more neutral lipstick or glass on to tone them down. Most of the time, it was the only makeup I wore. Occasionally, I wore eye shadow, though.

I touched some of the freckles on my face, some more noticeable than others. It was proof I was a natural redhead; dark red, but red nonetheless. My hands grazed my neck and collar bone. I cupped my breasts in each hand, vaguely recalling a point in my life not so long before where my chest had been smaller, my aureola a light, small pink. I had since expanded, requiring new bras, and had darker, larger aureola. As had become natural for me, even though I was excited as I was apprehensive, I attempted to avert my eyes from my stomach. For one, there was a scar that crossed my navel. Recently, it had become more crisp and white and apparent, and that was embarrassing for me.

For another, my hip bones were not longer as prominent as they had been. What had begun as simply adding weight to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and maybe add a little more to be healthy was no longer just that. I was ten pounds heavier than when I had started, making me fifteen pounds heavier than when I was in Denver. It made the rest of my body look healthy again. My stomach, on the other hand, had become a well defined soccer ball. In fact, when I turned to the side, I stared with wide-eyed horror to find that from spine to navel, it looked just like I had swallowed a soccer ball; a semi-flat soccer ball, but my stomach definitely curved out beyond my hips.

Panic and bile rose in my throat. Monday marked the beginning of the Jensen trial. If I looked pregnant, he would know I had lied to him in the interrogation room after I had been shot. If he knew, I didn't doubt that he would find some way to pass that information around. I didn't know if he were still in contact with Jesse and Andy, but if he was, even with close monitoring, I couldn't physically stop him from saying something to either man. And, if they knew, would they come back for me? I gripped the edge of the counter, needing to steady myself. Andy would be more likely to leave me alone. Jesse was the one I was worried about. He might actually come back around. Not to try to take Temperance from me, but to make sure I never told. There was already a warrant for his arrest in NCIC with extradition anywhere in the United States. That wouldn't stop him, though. I guessed that he was like David in that respect. Whatever he wanted, he would get. Nothing would stop him.

I puked in the sink before I could stop myself, green and gray spots floating in my vision. My head throbbed. I had been having headaches off and on since returning to New York, but I chalked it up to the stress of being back home. Dizzy from the sudden, overwhelming stress, I clambered into the hot shower hoping the heat would make the muscles in my body relax. The hot water ran over me, and I inhaled the steam as deeply as possible, washing my mouth out with not only water but soap. I had gotten into the habit that every time Jesse came up, I would feel compelled to wash out my mouth. Soap, water, toothpaste. It took all three to make me feel remotely clean again.

I pressed my hands against my stomach as if that would make it flat again. I didn't really think it would, but it was just impulse. I barely managed to get myself washed and rinsed before I needed out of the shower. It was a large shower, but it still felt too small, and I needed space and air – the kind of space this city couldn't provide. I also needed to sit down. The spots were back.

Shivering in the cold, I lay on top of my bed sheets, wrapped in a towel as I called Olivia. As I thought about it, there was no way I could wear any of my court clothes. My pants would probably be fine. Tight and uncomfortable but manageable for one or two days while I went shopping. It was my shirts that had me worrying. There was a noticeable slope to my abdomen now. I had been in yoga pants and sweat pants the past week, and maybe that was why I hadn't noticed that I was like a little balloon. I didn't know how horrible it looked. I might have been blowing it out of proportion, but I needed a second opinion on that.

"Benson."

"Liv, it's Casey."

"Hey, Casey. I didn't even know you were back in town. How are you?" She sounded cheerful.

I sighed, closing my eyes and counting to ten. "Can you come over? I need a second opinion."

"What on?" she asked, her curiosity obvious. I heard the sounds around her die out, and I assumed she had stepped away from wherever she was.

"I mean, if you have a chance. If you're doing something, please don't stop on my count." I felt my mind back peddling. I did not want to tell her all of a sudden. I just didn't want her to see me. I felt stupid and ashamed that I would be so flighty about something like this. After all, I could have been round much earlier. And, I still didn't even know if it were really noticeable or if I was just being a freak.

"Casey, what's going on?" I heard a car door open, and I knew she would be over no matter what. We both knew me pulling away so sharply after seeking someone to talk to or seeking help meant nothing good as far as the next few days would go. I could already feel the familiar pull of the current and the tidal wave, waiting to suck me under into my own mess. But, I had been doing so well all things considered. My nightmares were plagued with dead, frozen children and rape, but otherwise, I was doing alright. I didn't want to lose the fight.

"Hang on," I mumbled. I hung up on her and pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a regular tee shirt, one that I had worm many times beneath a blazer when I was too self conscious or lazy to wear a button down for work. Standing up, I snapped a picture of my profile and sent it to her. Less than a minute later, my phone rang. "You got that?"

"Yea. It's cute. You're finally rolling out. What's the big – fuck. You're still on the Jensen case, aren't you?" I squeaked. "Do you have bigger clothes, Casey? Something that'll hide that. I would guess that in black, lose clothing, you would look just like normal."

"Not something I could wear to court. I never got those clothes bigger, just my casual clothes bigger. I thought I could deal with that when it became an issue. I just hadn't expected it to become an issue over night."

"Casey, what do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't think I was this big two days ago." I shook my head. "At least, if I was, I didn't notice. I'm either seriously in denial here about the past few days or maybe even weeks. I knew my clothes were getting tighter, but when I got off that damn plane, Olivia, I swear to God, I was still flat stomached. Not skinny, but still flat. I've been an absolute freak about that kind of thing."

Olivia sighed. "Okay. Take a few deep breaths. On the bright side, you look adorable. I'll help you figure out at least how to get through this trial. It's too late for you to step down as the prosecutor now. There's no way another ADA would be able to take the case with such short notice. If he does notice, what do you think will happen?"

"You know why you and Fin had to step between him and I and that Stabler and Cragen had to help pin him down?" There was silence on the other end. "I told him that the baby had died, that when David had shot me, I'd lost her. He was that mad when he thought that the baby had been lost. Can you imagine how pissed he's going to be if he realizes I lied to him then?"

"Jesus fucking Christ. I'll talk to you when I get there. Did you change the safe code?"

"Pixie dust," I answered. Since there were so many agents in and out of my life for various things, it was no longer practical for there to be a list of people who were authorized to visit me. I had created a safe code with the guys at the front desk who would let people up with the safe code and my apartment number if they said they needed to see me. For deliveries, I met them in the lobby and the doorman would come up with me if I was feeling particularly insecure. I had not yet encountered a delivery to know just how paranoid I would be, but it was obvious I was scared enough that none of them questioned it. They knew mildly about the federal case, and I think their experience as police officers told them that there was a lot left unsaid.

"I'll be there in ten. Can you breathe for that long without coaching?"

"Yea. I'll be okay. I just – thank you."

"No problem, Casey."

"This sucks." I hung up and cradled the phone to my chest for a moment before pulling a large sweatshirt over my body, my rounded stomach vanishing in the material. I didn't know how screwed, if at all, this made me.

"Dammit, Tem," I murmured, my hand resting on my stomach, the small shelf obvious to me. "I'm sorry, kid. This trial is just really bad timing. I could have definitely done without the announcement."


	68. Chapter 68

**-A/N: Some girlish fun because everyone needs it. And, classes started again yesterday for me, so I'm going to be updating as much as possible, but it's a five week course, and I have a paper due already in two days! That said, my posts will probably err on the side of short, but I'm hoping breaking things up a little might enable me to still post every one to three days.**

Olivia shut the door behind her, and I automatically curled on the couch, my trial prep for Jensen spread out in front of me. The detective sat down beside me. In the ten minutes since we had hung up, I had just enough time to effectively withdraw from my emotional surroundings. I was throwing myself at a case and dissociating from everything else, including the fact that he was my assailant, too. "Casey," Olivia tried, her voice soft as if she were speaking to a child. "You're still pretty small. We'll get some clothes for the week that'll cover you, and you can decide after the trial whether or not you want to keep going with larger clothes or get some maternity clothes."

I stared at the defense motion, pondering how I was going to respond or if I was going to even bother countering it at all. My mind was moving a million miles a minute, and it was all in the direction of law. Technically, motions were long past due, but this one had been an emergency motion that did not impact the trial so directly or the defense strategy. The judge had allowed it, saying she would hear it before _voir dire _on Monday. Judge Elizabeth Donnelly, the only judge on the bench in Manhattan that had even an inkling that the Manhattan District Attorney's Office sex crimes prosecutor was, herself, a victim of sexual assault within the year. Not only did she suspect that, she suspected I was pregnant with my assailant's child. I wondered how badly I would hang myself in court with this trial being so personal or if she would give me a little leeway. I didn't want leeway, and I wouldn't abuse it, but I wondered if she would give it. My temper had not exactly been ideal in court, and Donnelly had a decent idea as to why.

"Casey, focus on the now, on why you called me. You know ignoring it won't make it go away."

Slowly, I leaned forward and set the motion on the coffee table. As I sat back, I ran my fingers over the new lump, the one I hadn't noticed out of what? Denial? Fear? Preoccupation? "I know," I whispered. "Ignoring a problem is how I wound up pregnant in the first place." Olivia's hands covered mine. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I just thought if I could get through this trial, Jensen's trial, without him knowing that it would all be okay. I got lucky with David. Monica managed to set that trial out until after April. I thought me not showing would continue to be a small blessing for this trial, too."

"Stand up," Olivia said. "Let's see what you look like before we get too mortified. If we can get you through the week, it'll be okay. After that, we can address upcoming trials and how you want to be seen there as well as how you want to be seen around the office."

Nodding, I stood up, bunching my sweatshirt in my hands, pulling it tight just under my breasts. "It's not that noticeable, Casey. In all light gray, yea, I can see it. You definitely will have to deviate from your normal tight clothing. But, I bet we could find stuff that's still court appropriate that hangs loose. And, with black pants or a black skirt and a dark blazer, no one would be any wiser."

Pulling my sweatshirt down, I hugged myself. "So, I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is?" I asked, chewing the inside of my cheek. I hoped I was. I would rather be a paranoid freak than on the other side of a paternity suit begging a judge to not order a paternity test on my child. Or, almost as bad, assaulted in a court room.

My breath caught in my throat as I shuddered, a sudden flash of memory: _Jesse standing over me with something that looked like a cross between a ping-pong paddle and a policeman's billy club, hand over his head, ready to strike me. I did nothing to defend myself as the club struck down over and over, my body swimming in pain. There was the pull of an out of body experience, and I was above it all, watching him beat me. He kicked me repeatedly in the legs and buttocks. A stray kick landed on my back. I whimpered. The look on my face was so passive and vacant. I didn't scream or cry out, just the occasional whimper. He was yelling at me, but I couldn't remember what he was saying._

My eyes snapped open, and I stood, panting. Olivia stared at me funny. I didn't know why I had thought of Jesse, but the sudden need to clean my mouth welled up, and I dropped my head, my tongue automatically trying to push the taste of him from my mouth. "I've gotta brush my teeth." It came out a mumble, and before Olivia could say anything about my question, my dissociation, or my statement, I had trotted to the bathroom.

Grabbing one toothbrush, I placed a small amount of soap on the bristles. One brush for soap. The other for toothpaste. I had even bought a soap container just for my mouth so as not to cross contaminate the soap for my hands or my body. It was ridiculous, and I knew it. "Casey, stop," Olivia said from behind me. "That's soap." She had this funny look on her face like she wished it were an accident but knew better.

"I know," I mumbled, popping the brush in my mouth and proceeding to scrub my teeth, tongue, and cheeks. Olivia watched me silently from the door way as I spat in the sink, rinsed my brush and my mouth, and then repeated the entire procedure with toothpaste. Normally, I would have felt better after the whole ritual, but being watched made me only more nervous, and I wrung my hands with my sweatshirt, needing something to occupy my self before I broke down. Digging my nails into my palms, I opted to set myself and tried to walk past Olivia and out of the bathroom.

The detective caught me gently by the wrist. "Casey, when did you start doing that?" she asked, her voice still soft, smooth as milk.

Sinking down onto the closed seat cover of the toilet, I held my head in my hands, embarrassed being too light a word to describe where I was emotionally. "After testifying in Denver," I mumbled. "I know it's not good, but for now, it helps. It gets me through the day."

"Oh, Casey. He did some fucked up shit to you, huh?"

I shrugged. "They all did. Even with the pending trials, they treat this like a game, like I was a toy and they broke me a little, but that only made it more fun for them to play."

I watched Olivia's features tighten with emotion, and I wondered what she was thinking. She had told me what happened to her mother that had lead to her own conception, and though she never said her mother abused her, I suspected that Serena Benson had not been able to pull herself together enough to not lash out at her little daughter. It was the parent I was terrified of becoming. She pushed the expression back a moment later, though, and I dismissed the idea of asking. Her hand fell lightly against my shoulder. "Let's get you some clothes and at least get rid of one burden, okay?"

Nodding, I stood and followed her out of my apartment. "I'm sorry, Liv," I said as I locked up behind me. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Casey," the detective answered as she shoved her hands in her pockets. "I told you, whatever you need."

I smiled my gratitude but said nothing as I followed her to her car. The light of the day refracted through the mild gray clouds, bouncing off patches of white in otherwise black snow. I held my hand up to shield my eyes as I frantically dug through my purse for sunglasses. "Fuck," I mumbled, my fingers finally closing around the sunglasses tucked at the bottom of my purse.

"Migraine?" Olivia asked, opening the car door for me and leaning on it as I climbed in. I nodded. "I have Excedrin. Are you allowed to take it?"

"I don't know," I mumbled. "Can I see the bottle?" She handed it over, and I read the label over before undoing and popping two pills out of the container. "Thanks, Liv."

"Sure. Have you talked to your doctor about them?"

I shrugged. "Headaches aren't unusual for me. Just stress, I suppose." Olivia nodded her acceptance but still looked at me with a frown of concern. I was becoming an all too familiar recipient of that frown, and while I deserved it, I didn't like seeing it directed at me. As with Alex, I didn't much care to make Olivia worry for me. That hardly seemed fair. Then again, I hadn't yet been wholly frank with her about when things went wrong, and even if she didn't know what was going on, I knew she was instinctive enough to know that something was going on. And, Detective Benson's gut tended to be right on the money. "I'll be fine. I promise."

"That's what worried me, Casey," Olivia grumbled, but when she did not elaborate, I did not press the issue. "You tell me where you wanna go."

I shrugged again. I had not put much thought into temporary clothes, so I really had no idea. Everything from the pregnancy was going to be donated as soon as humanly reasonable with the exception of Alex's clothing. This was largely due to the mêlée of emotion surrounding the past seven months. Dear God, yes, everything with Alexandra was fantastic, even our itty bitty spat coming back from Ireland because it proved we were just as human as I hoped and weren't entirely living on cloud nine. Everything else, though, and, in some ways, even including my relationship and emotional feelings for Alex were a mess of confusion and anger and grief and self loathing such that even where I found love and friendship, it did not always feel like enough. "I have no idea. Where do you go?"

Olivia laughed. "I'm not sure if that's an insult or a compliment, Counselor," she chuckled, shaking her head as she looked at me.

"Compliment?" I tried. She grinned at me. "I don't want to get several hundred dollars worth of typical lawyer suits, Liv, because I won't be in them for very long. But, I still want to look professional. You manage to stay in a cop's budget and look good on the stand."

She nodded, accepting the compliment laced in there. It wasn't untrue. In fact, it was very true. I had seen how some of the men looked at her from the jury box. There she was on the witness stand, testifying, a strong, powerful, confident woman who could articulate very well what she wanted to say. Not to mention, regardless of my sexual inclination, it was an inarguable fact that Olivia was a very attractive woman.

When Olivia finally decided where she wanted to take me, it turned out that I was still the most under dressed woman in any of the stores. Sales women looked at me strangely, like they weren't entirely sure why I was there in a sweatshirt and yoga pants, let alone with a woman dressed in a suit. I felt vaguely like I was a kid sibling going shopping with an older sister who knew far more about the world than I did. To play the part the women were expecting of me, I periodically held up god awful outfits to Olivia with a cheesy grin, her shaking her head. It took her about three outfits to realize I was playing, so she started playing along.

We made it a game to see how long it would take someone to try and 'help' us wherein Olivia would begin to lecture me on the aspects of matching colors and patterns. From time to time, I would correct her under my breath. As the only female child, I had made it my mission to understand what it meant to be a girlie girl despite my affinity for hitting balls with sticks and sliding through the mud. It was a fun game, and every sales associate who worked with us was always shocked when I paid, not Olivia.

"Next store we go in to, I'm giving you my card, and you're buying," I said as we walked out of a cute little store that I actually had not been in since law school. Once I had put myself near the top of that ladder, I had studiously avoided anything below that rung in appearance while executing my professional duties. In reality, I was a Kohls and Macys kind of girl. It was just a secret I never told anyone about.

"Alright," Olivia laughed, and I handed over my card. "You're not kidding. Alright, one step further?" I nodded. "Be my hooker?"

"_Irma la Douce_ SVU style?" I asked, raising a brow. "You get fired and forget to tell me?"

"I was going with _Pretty Woman_, but I like yours better." Olivia shrugged, tucking my credit card into her back pocket. "I'll buy all your time."

"What a nifty little plan. So, you gonna go to jail for me?"

She grinned. "Hey, I found out you were pregnant and broke out. What's a guy gotta do for love around here? Jeez. Just don't go having that kid on the altar, you hear?"

Barely able to contain myself, I had to stop on the street, gripping a street lamp for support. "But," I giggled, so glad to have found someone who knew the plot. "That's." Snicker. "Another story." We both fell into fits of laughter, holding each other up around the light pole. "Jesus Christ, Liv. I don't think I've ever met another human being who has seen that."

"Am I aging myself?" Olivia asked.

"Not unless I am, too." I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes – I had been laughing that hard – and looked at my detective escort. "Thank you, Olivia. I really did need that."

"You miss her, huh?"

I frowned. "I'm sorry."

"Your bracelet. I noticed it when I picked you up. You have the locket, too."

My hand went to the locket, fingering the familiar curves and carvings. "I'm not sure what you mean, Liv."

"They were Alex's. I remember them. I packed them. I'm glad you got them. Did David know?"

I hugged myself, thinking of him pressing a gun to my head and drawing me quietly from Alex's bed under threat of her life. "Yes. He hated her, called her _that blond whore_ and beat me once when he saw me cuddle her."

"I'm so sorry, Casey."

"It's okay. I mean, he never got the chance to hurt her." Okay, lie. So far, everything had been true but that. And, that I knew I was letting her run with the assumption that it was likely I believed Alex to be dead. She was testing the waters, I could see it.

"You're naming the baby after her."

I nodded. "Liv, can we talk about something else? I-" I paused, not sure what to say. I knew she was alive and we were currently lovers and Alex was doing well, but she asked me not to tell anyone because she was terrified of returning to her old life? Yea. I was stumped on that one.

"It looks beautiful on you. I'm glad they went to someone like you." She bit her lip. "You know what, I don't think I've ever spent a whole morning shopping. Cap's gonna be pissed as Hell."

I shrugged nonchalantly. "You're the arresting officer in a trial starting Monday. Technically, this is trial prep."

"You lawyers and your goddamn words," Olivia said with a throaty laugh. I offered an open palmed shrug. Olivia paused, opened her mouth, reconsidered what she was saying, and closed it again. "I guess we can slide by on a technicality, but I expect your unbridled support on this excuse, Novak."

"You got it, Detective." I smiled, glad to have circumvented the topic of Alex, though it wasn't completely. Olivia did get two things out of me. The first was that, at the very least, I was bisexual. The second was that at some point in my life, I had fallen in love with a blond-haired prosecutor. I knew she had been digging to see if I knew that Alex was still alive, if I was still seeing her, but I wouldn't tell. That was not my secret to share. Besides, with David's case going the way it was and Jesse's second attack on me, I was sure it was safer with fewer people in New York knowing where Alex was.


	69. Chapter 69

Sunday morning came before I even had time to realize Friday afternoon was gone. Olivia had stayed most of the afternoon, and I had even managed to talk her into letting me buy her lunch at a cafe down the street from my apartment that she had never heard of. What time after lunch hadn't been spent on trial preparations was spent in an easy, companionable silence or with light conversation and banter. She hadn't brought up Alex again, for which I was grateful. Eventually, though, I did.

_Before Olivia left that afternoon, I handed her a photograph of Alex. The blond attorney was laying on a black couch in the Ireland home, though I didn't tell Olivia that was where the picture was taken – nor did I tell her when the picture was taken. Her hair was half up, half down, the half that was up was in a fine bun of typical Alexandra fashion. The portion that remained down was straightened with just a wisp of curl at the ends. Her eyes were bright and wide, filled with laughter at something I had said. Even now, I wasn't sure what. I had been so distracted by her face and the sound of her laughter in that moment that nothing else was important. I had caught the shot a moment before she realized I had a camera. She looked so worry free and happy, her lips parted in a wide grin, gray eyes softened by her smile and the baby blue doll shirt she wore. "You were her best friend, Olivia. I don't think you knew how much it meant to her. I didn't until very recently." _

_Olivia smiled, looking at the image. "She was like my little sister, Casey. Some days, I didn't know why I loved her. Other days, she'd do something charming and compassionate, and dammit if I didn't claim her as family each and every time. Truthfully, I suspected she pined after women. I am a little surprised that she never told me, though. Tell me the truth, Casey, are you really doing alright with her absence?" Ah, there, she was digging again. She had approached me that once outside of the precinct after I had announced both the baby and my plans for a vacation. That had been a month prior, and she had told me that 'she' was part of the family. It was never clarified that either of us meant anyone other than Temperance, but we both knew, too, that we meant Alexandra. Still, Olivia didn't know I knew, and I didn't know how to tell her without telling her. So, I just didn't. _

_Instead, I brushed my fingers over the gloss of the photograph. "Every day she's gone, I miss her," I said, my voice soft and automatically distanced. It wasn't a lie. In fact, it was the biggest truth in my life. Every day, I missed her. I woke up with an ache in my body knowing that she was so far away, that she was there and I was in New York. I absolutely missed her. I missed her so much sometimes that when I woke up from a nightmare, it took me a few minutes to realize that when I called her name, she wasn't there to respond. Five months, and this was the effect she had on me. I wondered what five years would do. _

_Olivia nodded. "Yea, me, too," she said, her voice somber. The detective started to hand me back the picture. _

_I took a half step back, shaking my head. "No. Keep it. Don't show the boys, though," I said with a laugh. "She would say the image getting around would ruin her reputation as Ice Queen." Olivia laughed, nodding her agreement. I gestured to Alex's pose. "That was how I got to see her most of the time. I think she would be okay if you got that, too." _

"_Thank you." Olivia paused as though weighing a question in her mind. How much did she want the response versus how much did she not want it? When wanting it outweighed not wanting it, she continued. "Why did you lie about not having known her when you joined SVU?"_

"_I didn't know her," I mused, "not like this, within the confines of a case. Even I'm different, Liv. In there, I'm invincible, unflappable, and powerful. Out here, I'm so much like a kitten it scares me. She's hard headed all around, to be certain, but there's a piece of her that must have come out only in a case or in a court room because everything I ever learned about her does not support her reputation as Ice Queen Cabot." _

Opening my eyes, I looked around the nursery. It looked like a real nursery now, despite being somewhat bare boned. The furniture delivery men had been in on Saturday and had even set up everything in accordance with Alex's tape. I had removed the tape and placed the fitted sheet on the crib mattress before busying myself organizing everything.

Onsies and socks went into drawers in the dresser along with spare blankets and burp clothes. Everything I had obtained for the changing station found homes within easy reach so that once Temperance started rolling, I didn't have to move anything to accommodate. I lay the Moses basket in the crib pending Tem's arrival and subsequent need for the crib since she would be sleeping in my room in the basket until she started rolling over and was no longer able to safely use the basket.

The night before, I had even made room in the bathroom for her towels and cloths and baby shampoo and lotion. I had stuck the bottom and sides of my oversized tub with suction cup duckies in yellow, orange, pink, green, and blue. I knew I would be washing her in the kitchen sink for a while, but it had been therapeutic to start changing some of the things in the apartment to accommodate a child. I had asked my shrink if she thought it would be okay, and she had given me the green light as long as I promised to stop if something became too much or I found myself vacillating between wanting to hurt myself and wanting to hurt Temperance.

I bought a little white wicker basket with giant handles and put it beside the couch in the living room. So far, I had managed to put two blankets in there. The pink one was from Jen who I spoke to tentatively on the phone once since the fiasco at Thanksgiving to give her my address and apologize and thank her for trying to stick up for me. There was an oversized blue and lavender one in there, too, from everyone who worked security. I had actually cried on Tuesday when they had all shown up despite their respective shifts and presented it to me. Embroidered on one of the corners were the words _"May angels watch over you" _in fancy, loopy lettering. On top of those were a few smaller stuffed animals and trinket toys perfect for occupying small hands when she got to that stage. For a while, I had to admit, I was looking forward to laying on the couch with Temperance on my chest under the large blue and lavender blanket and just bonding. It was still skeletal at best, but I was gathering things that would be useful when she came and for many months after.

January eleventh put me just under thirteen weeks to term, or ninety eight days. When I had realized that earlier that morning, I had breathed easier. A tiny but heavy burden had been lifted from me. With exception to an extreme complication, I now felt more secure that Tem would be okay in the long run. Even if, heaven forbid, I went into labor that day, Tem stood a greater than eighty five percent chance of survival. I would be happier to carry to term, but it was still a burden I had shouldered without realizing it. Somewhere between the emergency room visits and being beaten in a farm house, I had begun to carry that weight. The 'what if' never really left my mind, but for the first time, I breathed and really inhaled the air, exhaling contentedly.

In all honesty, I hadn't known that had been weighing so heavily on me until it was no longer there. I might bleed to death – they had long since put me back on all of my medication – but Temperance would be alright with medical intervention. My baby would be okay, and that was just so much more important to me. Temperance would be raised, of course, by Alexandra. Both Alex and I had copies of the order granting Alexandra Cabot and/or all aliases of the same full custody of Temperance Lexine Novak in the event of my death or inability to care for my child. A notice within the document added that Baby Girl Novak due April first 2004, but born anytime before, on, or after that date, would be held under the same custodial agreement. Monica had said the last bit had thrown the judge for a bit of a loop. Custody orders regarding unborn children were pretty much unheard of, but Monica had explained my medical situation to him, and he had cautioned he would agree to the order in so much that it was understood if the extenuating circumstances were not present – my medical illness, Alex Cabot's witness status, and the fact that Alex was not Temperance's biological family – he would not have agreed. I had just been so overjoyed that he had agreed that I stopped paying attention to what Monica had been saying from there.

So, seven months of a rocky but valiant start, and things were finally starting to look better for all of us. Except for my headaches and those spots I kept seeing, but I chalked that up to the extreme stress of the pending trial. Not only was it a trial which was always stressful, but I was trying my own rapist for someone else's rape, and there was the bonus feature that he could be the true biological father of Temperance Lexine, and my little one had decided that the week prior to the trial would be a great time to roll out and announce to the rest of the world that I was pregnant.

I clutched the teddy bear I was holding to me as I rocked in the rocking chair, nibbling my lip. "Please, God, don't let any more harm come to this baby. She's proven herself a survivor. She's pure and innocent and beautiful, and I love her," I whispered. "I know it's selfish of me to ask, but I want her to be here, with me. I want to hold her and rock her and watch her grow into someone so beautiful and courageous and loving that no one would ever believe she came from me. I can't even believe where this all started, not even now. He took everything from me, but with how much I've been given now, how much love and friendship and kindness has filled the void left by his hatred."

Gnawing my lip, I blinked back tears that threatened to spill. "I want so badly to continue my life with my daughter, my lover, and my friends. Most of all, though, I just want them all safe and happy and healthy, even if I'm not around." I paused, exhaling with a shaking breath. "Amen," I muttered, kissing my fingers and crossing myself almost shyly. For someone who didn't often follow the doctrine of the Catholic church, I fell to my faith a lot in times of stress and confusion. Maybe it was just a habit, maybe it was a security blanket, but the more that I experienced life, the less I could look away from the idea that out there, somewhere, was some sort of divine, sentient being. Maybe it wasn't God, but it was something, and even though Alex didn't believe, I didn't think it needed to be believed in to act. I think if it believed in us and we believed in pushing forward and humanity, that was all that really mattered.

Closing my eyes, I let my imagination carry me down the road of the future, twisting my life to what it might be like a hundred days out. As I sat there, the warm sun filtering in, the cold wind blocked by the glass, I would have sworn I could feel a weight in my arms, a tug at my breast as the infant girl suckled. I imagined what it would be like to sit in the very rocking chair in the middle of the night and nurse my daughter back to sleep. I imagined some nights I would fall asleep with her, my head drooping in the chair as I curled around her. _I've always loved you, _I thought, _even before you were conceived and I thought I could love you. I was sixteen when I first fell in love with you. I remember exactly that night, too, with my hands on my stomach, Sarah half asleep next to me, thinking that at least my sins couldn't breed another but then wondering what kind of God would call any child a sin. I resolved then to love my children no matter what. I had forgotten for a time, Temperance, but I remember now. _"I remember," I whispered.

Blinking, I groaned. I had nodded off as I was becoming more and more prone to do. My arms had curled about the teddy as though I were holding an infant, and there was an ache in them so strong that I couldn't help but wonder if I hadn't been holding something heavier. It felt like I had napped with a child in my arms. "And, look how far we've come," I murmured. "And how much further we still may yet go."

I placed a hand on my stomach and stood up. My extra large NYPD tee, courtesy of Olivia, billowed about my frame and clung to where my stomach disrupted the flow. At least I wasn't waddling. I might have to take maternity if I started that shit. No, I could walk normal. In fact, in many of the clothes Olivia and I had found, it was impossible to tell I had gained any weight at all from the way I both walked and the way the clothes actually fit. For that, I was glad. I might have fallen for my kid, but in all truth, I didn't know how I felt about advertising a baby. First of all, I was worried that it would make my stomach real estate for the nearest hands. I did not want to be touched by everyone in the office or everyone I passed on the street. I wanted to be a little more discreet about that, and I hoped Tem realized that enough to keep her announcement small. Then again, if she was anything like me when I was tiny, she wouldn't care.

I couldn't help but think it was going to be so weird if I became one of those round pregnant women. Thank God for being tall because it wouldn't look quite so awkward. I knew it was kind of mean, but I did think short, pregnant women looked awkward. Pregnancy just made them look off balance. It made every woman look off balance – I felt off balance – but it seemed to have a higher impact the shorter the woman was. Shaking my head, I sighed. I was being ridiculous and I knew it, but it was hard to want to break the childlike peace that had come over me. For once, I just felt so relaxed and calm about everything, and that just did not happen often enough for me to be ready to let it go.

Busy as I was floating on cloud nine, though, I jumped like a rabbit when my cell phone went off. It came up as a private number, but thinking it was one of the detectives or, perhaps more likely, Alex, I answered the phone anyway. "Novak," I said automatically. Any unknown or private number on either my work or personal phone received my last name as answer.

"Casey, it's Morgan Watchfield, Tommy Jensen is my client," said the man on the other end of the line. And, just like that, my happy place had been smashed. Go figure.

"What can I do for you, Counselor?" I asked, my voice neutral. There were occasions where I was harsh with defense attorneys, but I had worked against Morgan more times than once. His heart was in it, I thought, for the right reasons. Just, he was on the opposite side of it all. Internally, I groaned. I never did like a defense attorney calling me 11th hour. I wasn't about to offer a plea or take one, and I had made that pretty clear to them both at our last meeting.

"My client asked for a meeting with you," he said, sounding very unhappy. "He won't tell me what it's about. He just called this morning and asked me if I could set up a meeting. I told him it was highly unlikely you would want to meet him on a Sunday, but I also said I'd try."

I shook my head. "I can't today, Morgan. If he still needs to speak with me tomorrow, we can talk on the lunch break during _voir dire. _I doubt we'll get to opening statements tomorrow anyway, so there'll be plenty of time at lunch. Usually Donnelly grants an hour and a half lunch for jury selection." I paused before continuing. I didn't know if I wanted the answer. "You really don't know what he wants? I'm still not offering a deal. If he hadn't FTA'd, it would be a different story, but Morgan, you know I don't offer on a history like that." That, and I knew he'd raped at least one other woman after he had FTA'd. Chances were, I was not the only one.

"If he hadn't FTA'd, Cabot would have tried the case, and he would be in the same boat. She wasn't big on pleas."

"I know," I murmured. "Her conviction rate was too impressive to need to rely on them."

"I'll let my client know you'll speak with him tomorrow at lunch if he still needs to. See you tomorrow."

"Yea," I said and hung up.

And, now that my happy place had been sufficiently destroyed, I could feel a headache building behind my skull. Great. Just fucking great. I tossed my phone on my bed side table deciding that I did not want to answer it for the remainder of the day. If it was good, bad, or ugly, I really just did not want to know.

Drawing myself a bath, I settled in to try and relocate my happy place, tracing the curves and corners of the ducks stuck all around me, but my mind kept drifting to the following day. What did Jensen want this time? The last time he had a message for me that he wouldn't tell anyone else about, it involved David. And, I was still with the woman David had shot me in front of. With this sudden desire to talk to me coming less than a month after I testified in the hearing that determined David's competency, I was a little worried. Mostly, I was freaked out because the judge ruled David perfectly competent, and I was the only one who could testify to his past behavior being remarkably like the behavior he displayed in prison.

Of course, it was possible he wanted to goad me about his own trial as well. Did he plan on saying something in front of his lawyer? I didn't know. It seemed unlikely. It was a fool's move, unless he thought that confessing to my rape would do him any good in the long run. Short term, it might get his trial postponed, but even that wasn't certain. More likely, Donnelly would rip me a new one for not stepping down and make the DA produce a new prosecutor for the case. And, with a confession, it would be all too easy to open up a case against him with me as the victim, though I did not want that to happen. The only other thing he could really claim in front of his lawyer would be a prior sexual relationship with me, or intimate relationship of any kind. In which case, his lawyer could use that to get me off the case assuming the judge even bought it. I could deny that one 'til Kingdom Come because, unless he confessed to my rape in the process, there was simply no way that I would have ever known him.

That, and a judge would have a hard time buying that it took him this long to own up to having had a relationship with me. I was professional enough that I knew in that case, I would step away from the case entirely. Donnelly would know that. At least, I would hope that she did.

I also wondered on my new wardrobe, or at least the smaller fraction of the wardrobe I had planned on wearing that week. Would it be sufficient? Was I making a bigger deal out of this than I needed to? Would Jensen even care? Was I paranoid about him coming after me again because of Jesse? I had always been afraid they would find me and hurt me again. I think it's a symptom every survivor experiences when it comes to sexual assault whether or not they consciously realize it. He did it once, he may do it again. It's a very tangible fear, and it lived in my gut, in the twisted part of me that never wanted to go through that again – it was the same part of me that had died when they had done it the first time. I thought about the gun to my head, their hands slapping me, them binding me, my tears which were hot down my cheeks and against their bodies. I had suffered and survived initially believing that the three of them hadn't known it, that they were told it was a fantasy of mine and there was a safe word. Over time, I had learned there was no safe word, even if I hadn't known it. There was nothing but them, and I wondered if they had ever done it before as a group. Who else had they forced as a group? Had those women ever come forward?

I slid under the soft bubbles and the smooth water until I could feel the bubbles against my face as I exhaled just slightly before holding my breath tight. Even under the warm water, I felt chilled, like I was really in a sea of ice and waves. For a second, I was drawn back there, drawn into the primordial ooze of the sheer cold. Were the water warm, I might have called it something different, but the cold had a weight to it. It pressed in on my bones like another living force might.

I came up out of the bathtub gasping, my hands clawing at my throat. Opening my eyes, I grasped where I was only a few seconds later, but the memory had been so real that I felt chilled to the bone. Shivering, I pushed the bubbles from my face and hair, reaching for the plug. Steam was still creeping off my bath, but it was just too cold for me, and I climbed out without much thought to the fact that I was splashing water everywhere. Wrapping a towel around my body, I sat on my bed. I just needed a month where I didn't get told any horror stories, I didn't have to file motions against monsters, nothing bad happened to me or Temperance, and, really, I could just go be with Alex somewhere truly safe and sane. Suddenly, Wisconsin wasn't looking so bad. If I quit for the next five months, I wondered if Branch would rehire me.

I thought about it in my head. FMLA covered twelve weeks, that was three months. I was all out of sick time because of the hospitalizations, kidnapping, and medical appointments following being shot as well as for the baby. I still had about a week and a half of vacation time accrued. I was lucky to not have to delve into that for the number of times I had been hospitalized, but, fortunately, most of the worst had occurred over the weekends and I hadn't missed work at all. David had been cruel but not unintelligent. In the end, he had gotten reckless. If not for that, Alex never would have called 9-1-1 on him. He would have shot me and been lost to the wind. Unless, of course, he really did shoot himself, but I highly doubted he would. I planned on two months off following Tem's birth so that I could actually bond with her before leaving her with a nanny. Maybe I would take Alex up on part of her offer. As long as the baby were healthy, it wouldn't be unreasonable to travel with her. Not fly, but a road trip might be in order. I wondered if Alex would come out here and drive with me back to Wisconsin or if I should just surprise her.

Then, of course, there was the whole bit about the nanny. I had started looking around a little, but it would be wise to step up my game. I would have liked to have interviewed and selected someone before the baby was born so that I could gradually bring them into Temperance's life starting with shorter periods throughout the week before going full time with someone. Olivia had already offered to run a detailed background check on anyone I wanted. I was grateful for that. It wasn't that I didn't trust people, I just didn't trust people with my daughter. Hell, I barely trusted myself.

There was just too much, and I was starting to feel rather overwhelmed. Laying back on my bed, I dialed one of very few numbers I had memorized.

"Hello?" came the voice on the other end of the line, and I could tell she hadn't checked her caller ID before answering. There was just enough sleep to her voice, too, that told me she had only recently woken. I wondered if I had woken her, feeling bad for a moment. It was only eight in the morning in New York.

I sighed with contentment. "Good morning, Wonderful."

She seemed instantly more awake. "Good morning, Beautiful." I smiled, having found my happy place again despite Morgan's call and all of the thoughts that surrounded Jensen and the trial that would start the following day. For the next half hour or so while we talked, I figured that could all fuck itself six ways to Hell for all I cared. For now, there was me and there was Alex, and I wanted to know all about her week.


	70. Chapter 70

**A/N: Thanks for waiting. I really am sorry. :( You are all awesome. **

Slouching in my chair, I stared at my laptop, clicking away at last minute case law refreshers before the jury got in and counsel delivered opening statements. Jury selection had taken the entirety of Monday, and, unsurprisingly, Jensen had canceled his appointment with me to talk to his own counselor which I thought was probably in his best interest anyway. That, and I really just did not want to talk to him. Shy of him taking a guilty plea on all charged counts – though, I did say I would drop the kidnapping charge to a false imprisonment charge which would drop the charges from three felonies to two felonies and a misdemeanor – I really just did not want to talk to him. I didn't really want to talk to anyone.

Not finding anything pertinent thus far, I pushed my computer aside and plugged it in. Contrary to what most people believe happens in a court room, there are so many other players in the game than just the blank table, attorneys, judge, defendant, and jury. The pews are also often almost if not entirely empty as opposed to the crowded court room visual proffered by the entertainment sector. Unless it was a sensational case, no one gave a fuck. Which was fine by me. Personally, I preferred to have no one else around. It meant there were fewer distractions for the jury. I had almost gotten my wish with the jury, too, which made me happy. They were mostly men, and all with at least a two year college education. One military man made it to the jury, though, which made me frown a little. Still, I was hoping that he would look at Jensen's actions as a disgrace to the military community as opposed to him needing to be somehow defended. It was a phenomenon I had seen often with police officers, that when one officer was charged, another officer in the jury was more likely to acquit despite evidence. It had nothing to do with a better understanding of the law, either.

"Kami," I said, turning behind me to the victim-witness specialist who was also in charge of making sure my witnesses were ready to go when the time came to call them to the stand and defuse any upwelling of emotion that might come up when they testified.

She looked up from her text messages, tipping her head quizzically. Kami was fifty four years old and had a tendency to mother me that I hadn't minded that morning when I had walked into the office, immediately asking _Is it obvious? _Her utter stare of confusion had been answer enough, and I had opted to leave my spare clothes in my office. As it was, I was in a black a-line skirt and a black jacket with a wide buckle over the middle that sat just at the top of where I swore I swelled like a fucking balloon but no one else seemed to notice. In fact, with the buckle there, it didn't even look like it to me.

"You okay, Case?" she asked me as I bit my lip for the millionth time that morning.

"Yea. Fine. Just nerves about opening, that's all."

"You don't normally get this nervous before a trial," she observed.

I nodded. "I know. It's just silly stuff."

"Relax, you've got this one in the bag. It practically tries itself, and Candace is good to go. She's going to do great." I nodded, and I reached my hand out to her. She squeezed it. "You are cold, Casey. Do you want me to get you a hot chocolate?"

I groaned. A latte sounded fantastic, actually, but Baby couldn't have much caffeine, and I was convinced there was plenty of caffeine in a chocolate for her. And, truthfully, probably for me as well. I was back on blood thinners which was a good thing overall now that I was excessively prone to clotting between the pregnancy and the clot that had developed while I was hospitalized after the shooting. The omnipotent 'they' weren't entirely sure if the clot had dissolved or broken up and pieces were hiding, but my heart was, in general, too weak to withstand much. Technically, it could be classified as cardiomyopathy, though that tended to imply disease. I got shot, and when I had healed, the walls of my left ventricle had been stretched and risked tearing.

Unconsciously, I touched my jacket where the scar was from the bullet, rubbing it in small circles. My circulation had been bad before the injury. It seemed that it had only gotten worse. I looked down at my fingers again. I had noticed that morning that they were slightly swollen. It was nothing too evident, but I did want to call my cardiologist at lunch and see what he thought. He had cautioned me against swelling. Plus, the headaches and the vision issues, and I was wondering if any of it had to do with my meds. Blood thinner, blood pressure medication – which was new since early December, steroid, anti-anxiety, anti-emetic, acid reflux treatment, and two different vitamins. Yea, I wasn't typical America. All I needed was an antidepressant, and I would be just like every other white upper middle class woman my age.

"You know what," I said, reaching into my purse and handing her ten dollars. "A hot chocolate sounds wonderful, Kami. Thank you so much."

She nodded. "Oh, thank God, because I really need a mocha."

Smiling, we both turned to Jack sitting to my left, stretching out his long legs under the table. Once upon a time, before Alexandra, I had found the investigator to be a very attractive man. Former NYPD officer turned DA investigator, he kept his body toned and fit, and though he was older than I was by about ten years with hints of gray in his cropped hair, I had found him attractive from the moment I met him. Me and intelligent men who could beat the shit out of me. Not that Jack ever would, I didn't think, but he was more than able to if he chose. It was standard to have the investigator advise on the trial if they wanted to. Personally, I appreciated it. He could remind me about things I forgot as well as listen to and pay attention to other aspects of the trial if I needed to be occupied with one thing in particular.

"Nope. No foo-foo shit for me, thanks," he said with a coy smile. Oh yea, before Alexandra, I had major hots for the man. Even now, he made me feel like a lust-sick teen, and I was more than in lust with Alex. He flashed gray eyes at me, grinning, and I almost laughed. God, me and gray eyes. I was a sucker. I had learned that in college, and though I had never told Alex, she could charm me into doing anything she wanted with just one look from those gorgeous gray eyes. "Too girlie."

"Yea," I mumbled. "Don't wanna lose your man card, now, do we?" He laughed, and it reminded me of my brother, Robert. I still hadn't talked to anyone in my family since Thanksgiving despite the fact that every single one of my brothers had called me on both Christmas and New Years and left voicemails wishing me a happy both. Robert, Sam, and Frankie all wished Alex a happy both, too. Jen and the kids had sung 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' to Alex and me, too. It told me three of my brothers were at least okay with my attraction to Alex. There was that. That was nice. Kale, my landlord's attorney and unlikely friend had also called to wish me both. I had called her back during the week I spent working from home and caught up with her. We ended up making plans to go get dinner the night this trial closed. I had long ago told her about Alex without offering up a last name, saying only that her job kept her out of the state. Like most of the people I talked to about Alex, Kale had assumed she was in the military. I didn't correct her since it didn't really interfere with the advise she gave me on dating women.

Jack leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. "There are two people in this world who are man enough to not need man cards," he said with the typical Jack Wagner smirk.

"Oh?" I asked, twisting in my chair and resting my arm against the chair back. "You and who else?"

"Chuck Norris." He was serious in both tone and visage.

I couldn't help but laugh. If I hadn't met Alexandra, I might have flirted with Jack on the aspect of his humor alone. As it was, I shook my head with a half smile that said I wasn't entirely sure what to think of that. After a moment, I sighed. "I'm having trouble trying to decide if you tried to bring yourself up to Chuck Norris' level or if you actually tried to bring him down to yours."

Jack looked playfully appalled. "Casey! How could you say such a thing? That's terrible of you." He grinned the way the Cheshire cat would in a situation like this. I rolled my eyes. "You never did tell me how your meeting went yesterday."

I raised my brow. "Really? Oh. Watchfield canceled last minute needing to review his defense with his client."

"Did he? And, he doesn't know what this meeting is for?"

"He says he didn't," I said with a shrug. "I guess that doesn't mean crap, but they haven't asked whether or not they can reschedule."

He gave me a look that I could only describe as 'a look.' It didn't really mean a whole lot, but in its lack of meaning, it meant something. God, Jack befuddled me. Hell, I befuddled me. "You gonna?"

"Maybe," I said. "I honestly am not sure. I'm curious that it might not be an appeal-able issue that I didn't reschedule, but at the same time, if it were evidence, then it would be introduced through trial. And, if it were something else, why wait until the day before trial to decide to need to tell me?"

"That's what I can't figure out, Casey. Honestly, I would even speculate that he might use the opportunity to hurt you. He's pretty mad at you if his facial expressions are reliable."

I nodded. "I know," I said. "He's said he hates me." I shrugged. "Oh well. There's nothing I can do about how he feels about me. Nothing I care to do, anyway."

Jack clasped my shoulder and squeezed. "Atta girl," he said, winking at me. I rolled my eyes just before he mimed pushing me off the chair.

"Meanie," I mumbled, scooting my chair away. "Okay, shh. I have to focus and be serious." Me? Serious? Only at work. Or when I was getting looped into reflecting on something in the past. Before I met Charlie, I was a fucking comic. Not good, but I laughed at myself and the world. Even when I initially began dating him, I was still happy and bubbly. I realized that once he started to change, I had, too. That scared me. It had started me on the downward spiral that had left me bleeding in the hospital. I wanted to be that happy girl again, and, with Alex around, I saw that coming out more and more. It was nice. I wanted to bring that out in Alex, too, because I saw that in her. It was well protected, as though she had begun to build those walls in her childhood, but I occasionally saw through her thick barriers.

Pulling my computer to me, I refreshed myself on my opening statement. I had read it over and over the past couple of days, tweaking it were it was necessary, but I had it memorized well enough that if anything else needed tweaking, I could do so as I spoke. It wouldn't be too terrible. I went into work-mode Casey, barely noticing when Morgan came in, and, a few minutes later, when the prison guard escorted Jensen in as well, taking off his hand cuffs only when he was sitting in his chair. It was only Tuesday, and already, it was a long week.

"All rise for the presiding judge," the bailiff said a few minutes later, and I stood automatically. I had been in a court room for so long that with most of the bailiffs, I think I would stand just by hearing their voices. It probably wasn't the best side effect, but I was still in my own head which was a very good space to be in all things considered.

"You may be seated." I sat. So did everyone around me, and I snapped out of la-la-land and back to the court room. "Before we bring the jury in, is there anything counsel would like to discuss?"

As prescribed, prosecution went first. If the burden of proof lay with the People, then it seemed fair that we got first and last say. Especially since all dual interpretation sided with the defendant and any shred of reasonable doubt acquitted the defendant. "Nothing from the People, your honor," I said, standing just enough. Trial one oh one – always stand when talking to the judge.

"At this moment, your honor, the defense would like to know more information about Miss Novak's involvement with a federal case involving David Williams," Morgan said. Tommy Lee shot me a nasty look. Morgan looked perplexed but seemed to be doing his job. Ah, Morgan Watchfield. Criminal defense attorney for what end? I always wondered about him. He was a nice guy overall and a good attorney, but he seemed more confused by his client's misdeeds than most other defense attorneys. Particularly since he was one of the lower cost ones – not quite a public defender, but damn close at just over a hundred dollars an hour.

My eyes went wide as I stared at Morgan. "Your honor, information about that case is restricted. The presiding judge placed a gag order on all persons involved. And, I'm really not sure what bearing my other cases could possibly have on this one." I knew. I pretended to be ignorant.

"My client asserts that Mister Williams is a friend of his. If Miss Novak's interests are conflicted in prosecuting this case, then it stands to reason that my client won't receive a fair trial."

I put my hands on my hips in frustration. "I didn't know they were friends until just now," I said. "I had never met the defendant before the day he turned himself in on a warrant at the NYPD."

Liz put her head in her hands. "Miss Novak, what are your interests in the federal case?" she asked, not even bothering to look at me.

"That's confidential, Judge. I apologize, but it would be rather unprofessional of me to violate one judge's order for that of another." I frowned. I did not like that they had brought this up. "I would also point out that the gag order covers what Mister Williams or anyone with direct knowledge of the case says to another being. If Mister Jensen does, indeed, have direct knowledge of the case, then anything he has told Mister Watchfield is in direct violation of a federal gag order." I wasn't looking at the judge at that last part. I was looking at Tommy Lee.

"Your honor, I think that the assurance that my client receives a fair trial is more important than a gag order. My client only said that he was friends with a defendant in a case in which Miss Novak is also involved."

"Your client's impartial trial is more important than another defendant's impartial trial?" I asked. "That's absurd. Everyone deserves an equally impartial trial. For defense counsel to suggest that individuals aren't equal under the eyes of the law-"

"Don't even. You didn't even offer my client a plea bargain and you've offered plea deals to other defendants charged with the same crimes. You've done enough suggesting of that yourself."

"Enough," Donnelly barked. My retort fell flat on my tongue. "Can I trust that counsel will behave for a jury trial?"

"Yes, your honor," we both said simultaneously. I glanced at Jack who was looking at me like I had just grown a second head. I didn't usually get this heated in court. What was wrong with me? The look in his eyes said he was wondering the same thing. I couldn't tell him that I did know the defendant, that the defendant had raped me. That I was nervous as all Hell about this trial.

"Miss Novak, what is your relationship with the defendant?" the judge asked after a couple of seconds of silence.

"I met him the day he turned himself in and spoke with him briefly as he requested to speak with the prosecutor on the case. Following that, he retained counsel, and any conversation I have had with the defendant, counsel has been present as well," I narrated with a small sigh.

"Then, I don't see how this trial would have been impartial to the defendant except that defense made it known that the defendant had a relationship with someone in common with Miss Novak. It's your own fault, Mister Watchfield, and I will not have the perception of such underhanded dealings by either party that they would introduce something irrelevant in order to prolong this case."

I looked down at the table. Morgan was anything but underhanded. Jensen had likely confused him into all of this. Normally, he wouldn't have brought it up unless he had something solid. But, Tommy Lee had manipulated me. It made sense that he could manipulate his own damn lawyer.

We stood again for the jury, waiting for them to file in before we sat down. Liz explained a few things to the twelve people who would decide if Jensen deserved his just dessert or not, and I found the knot in my stomach growing steadily. I kind of wanted to throw up, but I wouldn't let it be known. Kami slipped back in with the hot chocolate, and I grabbed it, clinging it to my chest. "Thank you so much," I whispered.

Falling silent, I looked forward. I was shivering, and it wasn't from being cold, though I pretended like it was. Liz turned the floor over to me, and I set the cup down, standing as I smoothed my skirt. My hand hovered in the air for half a second above my stomach, and I swallowed, sparing a glance for Jensen. He could be the one responsible for Temperance. Granted, if he hadn't been there, then either of the other three would be the father because, apparently, that was just the ideal night for me to get pregnant. The human reproductive system – fascinating, yet inconvenient.

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen," I began as I smiled and looked to my jury. "Thank you for being here today. I understand how being on a jury can disrupt your week, and I think it's safe to say that we all appreciate you returning today and putting your focus on this trial."

I told Candace's story the same way I had told the stories of other women and children, and even one man thus far in my sex crimes career. I was a story teller, and dammit if I didn't do a good job at that. "And, so, ladies and gentlemen," I concluded, "I will prove to you each element of the crimes for which Tommy Lee Jensen has been charged, for each crime he committed against Candace Spencer, beyond a reasonable doubt. Over the next few days of testimony, you will hear evidence to that fact, and I ask you to listen well and pay attention so that you may comfortably put a rapist behind bars. Thank you."

I sat down, fighting the urge to rest my hands on my stomach. It was comforting, though, to touch her. I could feel her wiggling inside of me, and just being restricted from placing my hands on my stomach was killing me a little. Instead, I stayed sitting straight as Morgan rose, his smile warm and paternal toward the jury. I brought my hands up to the table, resting them on the cool wood.

"Alleged rapist, ladies and gentlemen. Don't let the prosecution fool you by suggesting that my client has already been convicted. That's not her job. She's not allowed to convict my client. Only you can do that, and you can acquit him, too. In fact, by the end of this trial, I am sure that's what you will do." And, Morgan spun his own version of what happened, of what the evidence would support, and he knew all of my evidence. I had no ace in the hole because everything I breathed was discoverable.

By lunch time, I was so jittery and sick that I could barely walk out of the court room. It wasn't so much in how the trial was going, but in how Jensen kept looking at me. He was leering, and I wondered if the jury or the judge could see it, too. Was I alone in noticing how he stared at me, dark blue eyes hungry? I had caught myself twice with my hand on my stomach, and I had pulled away rapidly, like my hand were suddenly burned, both times.

As I put all of my papers and evidence back into the little cases that had not already been submitted to the court, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was soft and gentle, but I still jumped a little. "Jesus, Casey, you okay?" Olivia's soft voice rushed over me.

Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded. Jack gave me one last look of concern. "I'll take this stuff down to victim-witness. See you there." Again, I nodded, and he and Kami left with about half of my trial stuff, leaving me with the detective who was on my witness list for the case.

"Sorry I didn't get to you, yet. You'll be the first call after lunch."

"Alright. No big deal. Fin went to go pick up lunch for everyone. He's getting the usual subs. You need to eat something. You're shaking. Is that from blood sugar?"

"No," I whispered. "It's from trying my own rapist for someone else's rape. Besides, he keeps giving me these weird as shit looks. I kind of hope the jury sees him doing it, but at the same time, I hope they don't."

"Oh, Casey. You're a fool sometimes."

"I know," I said with a shrug. "But, it'll be good when its over. He won't have forced me to change my life for what he did. He won't have won."

"He never did win, Casey, but you've got this one down solid."

"Thanks, Liv."

Olivia gave me a soft smile. "Oh, hey, I forgot to ask you. On Saturday, the guys are all coming over for pizza and hot wings. Pittsburgh plays the Jets. You in?"

"Hell yea," I said with a smile and a shake of my head. I was a sporty girl, and I didn't mind watching the divisional playoffs. "What do you want me to bring?"

"Yourself."

"No food?"

"If you want. But, really, we usually have tons of food at these things. And, there'll be non-alcoholic beverages as well."

I smiled. "Thanks. I'll bring something by, though. I'd feel like an ass not to."

"Alright. Oh, and, wear something Jets if you're going to wear a sports shirt or something. Fin will go nuts if he sees you in a Pittsburgh uniform."

"Pittsburgh uniform it is," I said with a small grin. Olivia pouted so that it looked horribly out of place with the tough girl attitude I was so accustomed to her bearing. I would never get used to her coy side, but I was sure that made her a great undercover detective. Blowing up, I blew the hair from my face and pouted back. Oh Hell no. Two could play at that game. "What?"

"Jerk." Olivia rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Do you want a ride over? I can pick you up in the morning and you can help with the game day prep."

"Sure. Thanks." I flushed, hating that I still counted take public transportation. I just didn't want to be touched, and I knew no matter the outcome of the trial, this weekend would be a tense one for me. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing about it, Casey. It's not a big deal. And, I'm glad you wanna come over and party. It'll be good for you. Good team bonding time and all that shit."

"Yea." I shook my head, gathering my case materials on my mini dolly and kicking it behind me to take to victim-witness. "Now, if you don't mind, it's not just me I'm supposed to feed every four to five hours God, it's gonna be every two to three hours here soon. I don't know if I can handle that."

"On the bright side, you'll be taking maternity and can sleep when she does."

"Thank God. I was never very good without much sleep. Law school was a mess for me." I groaned softly as we stepped into the elevators.

"That's why I opted for the police academy," she said with a smile. "At least I got to sleep when I got home."

I shuffled my feet a little. "Do you regret choosing your job?"

"No. Never." Olivia gave me a strange look. "Why? Are you questioning yours?"

I chewed on my cheek. "No," I said softly. I didn't like the hesitation in my voice. It sounded out of place. I loved being a prosecutor. It was silly of me to be like this, to hesitate and to be shy about liking my job. I loved it. I glanced behind me as though looking for the court room. "This case just has me thrown a little."

"Fair enough." Olivia looked around us. "Candace isn't his only accuser. There's a lot at stake for you that's personal, too. The only difference is, you have to maintain perfect composure. Take a deep breath. You'll get through it okay."

Faintly, I offered a smile. "Thanks. I do appreciate it." She squeezed my shoulder, and I grabbed her hand. "Thanks for the support, Olivia. Even if I'm not doing the most moral thing in the book."

"Morality and justice are two very different things, Casey. You of all people should know that."

"You think it's justice, then, for me to put away my rapist?"

"I don't know. Justice, I think, is entirely up to the victim. Whatever makes you feel whole again, Casey."

I stopped mid-stride, my laptop pressed to my chest as I swiveled and looked at her, my mouth open just a little. A million thoughts raced through my head all at once. I wasn't nearly as broken any longer as I was seven months ago, but somehow, I doubted that prosecuting Jensen was going to make me feel any closer to whole. Prosecuting David wasn't helping. Listening to agents ask questions about Jesse and Andy weren't putting pieces back together again. The whole vengeance angle wasn't working for me. The people who shattered me couldn't put me back together again. Why did I think doing something to them would make me feel better. I didn't regret testifying in David's hearing, and I wouldn't regret testifying in the trial. But, it wouldn't make me whole. This rape trial I was pursuing now wouldn't make me feel better. Self satisfied, maybe, but not better. Closing my mouth, I bit my lip. "How much do you know about Wisconsin?" I asked.

"Next to nothing. Why? You moving?"

"For a couple of months, I think. Yea."

"Got family out there?"

"Yea."

"Maybe it'll be good for you."


	71. Chapter 71

**A/N - Hey! Another update. Um... please don't hate me, okay? Things will be alright for Casey. They will.  
Everyone, thanks for the reviews! Kate, thanks for being a first time reviewer. Welcome. Enjoy. **

Curling my arms over my desk, I put my head down, my eyes closing gently. I hadn't slept well since opening remarks, and now that the jury was out, my exhaustion was creeping up to me. My stomach was all kinds of tight knots, and it didn't help that Tem was choosing now to practice for just under three months down the road. I looked up at the clock. It was just gone one in the afternoon. That was typical of her. I didn't even know that I could blame her for Braxton Hicks or if I had to blame myself. Either way, the timing was deplorable as I just wanted to sleep. There was a couch in my office, too, courtesy of Alex Cabot. She had brought one in, and, out of reverence to the dead, no one had moved it from her office. Then, her office had become mine, and I had claimed the couch. One of the pillows still smelled like her, and I knew she had crashed out at the office often.

With a stretch, I moved my bed from my desk to the couch, laying down over the soft leather – I knew by that alone she had bought it herself – and curling the cloth pillow to my chest. It didn't smell entirely like her now. It blended my own scent in with hers, but if I closed my eyes and focused, I could still find hints of citrus. Or, maybe it was just my imagination any more. I didn't know. All I knew was my door was closed and people knew better than to disturb me, my cell phone and pager were right next to my ear in case the jury came back, and I was out like a light.

"Casey," a soft voice above me said, something shaking me out of my sleep. I groaned. "Casey, kid, wake up. It's five thirty. The judge dismissed the jury for the day. They'll be back tomorrow for further deliberation. You okay?"

I opened my eyes in long, slow blinks to find Olivia and Elliot standing over me. "Yea," I answered the female detective's question. "I'm alright. Just tired."

"Fair," Elliot said. "You want me to drive you home?"

I looked at Olivia. "El's the primary detective on call tonight, Casey, so he's got the car. He's giving me a ride home, too." She smiled, so I nodded. I was just being stupid. "When did you sleep last?"

"I don't know," I murmured, shaking my head. "But, it's alright. I'm okay."

"We're stopping by Leslie's on the way to my place for something to eat. You should join us."

I pressed a hand over my still tight stomach. "I don't think I can eat anything, Liv, but thanks."

"You owe it to that kid to eat something. Since Fin force fed you that sub on Tuesday, what have you eaten?" I sat up and looked down at my hands. Maybe if I stayed quiet they would go away. "I figured as much. Casey, I know this is a particularly rough case for you, but you gotta eat. Temperance depends on you."

"You're awfully good at the guilt trips, aren't you?" I snapped, instantly feeling bad. Hugging myself, I groaned. "I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from."

"I do," Liv said, her voice soft, though I hadn't missed the initial look of shock. "You're tired and fizzled out. Eating will make you feel better. Then, you can go home and sleep until tomorrow morning."

"Yes, Doctor Benson," I mumbled.

"Not to gang up on you, Case, but she's right. You need to eat something. Once he's convicted tomorrow, you'll have to be on your game for sentencing."

"Yea, I know. You think he'll be convicted? They deliberated four hours today. I thought they'd come back much quicker than that." Elliot nodded. "Well, I'm glad you're confident," I grumbled, standing. "Alright, dinner first, but my treat since you guys have been putting up with bitchy me for a few weeks."

"You're not that bad," Olivia said with a shrug. I raised my brow. "Okay, sometimes, you're that bad. Lately, you've been that bad. But, we understand. Usually." She gave me a look. Elliot didn't know about Jensen. Olivia and Fin knew about Jensen. Cragen knew that someone I had or was or would prosecute was also my perpetrator, but he didn't know the specifics, and he hadn't asked. I didn't need to spread my break with the code of legal ethics any further than it had gone. Elliot might not have told anyone; he might not have even judged me, but it was still something I wanted to keep to myself as much as possible. The less he knew, the less could accidentally slip.

I grabbed my jacket and my brief case, thought about it, then put my briefcase back down on my desk. Fuck it. I wasn't going to work at home that night, why bother carting it back and forth? "Alright, let's go." Elliot led the way, Olivia behind me, and I felt like a little train walking down the halls of the mostly empty, semi-dark DA's office. It was a Thursday night. Few people stayed late Thursdays or Fridays. It was Monday through Wednesday that we all put in the extra hours.

I stopped short of the elevators, hand sliding into my jacket over my stomach. Olivia came up beside me. "Casey, what's wrong?" she asked me.

Shaking my head, I smiled. "She just kicked really hard. It kind of hurt."

"Are you still dizzy?" Elliot asked me.

Giving him a questioning look, I nodded. "Stress and lack of sleep, El, it'll do that."

"Yea," he murmured. "I guess."

I frowned. "What?"

"You've just been ill since returning from Ireland. I wonder if you caught some sort of international bug."

"If it makes you feel better, I'll call my doctor tomorrow," I snapped. "I appreciate the concern, Elliot, but you don't need to be acting like you have any right to tell me what to do." I put a hand to my head, the spots that had been plaguing me all trial and all the week I had taken off returning in a swirl of darkness, light, and strange colors. Worried I would fall, my world was spinning through the spots so much, I crouched down, close to the ground. I didn't know if I would fall, but if I did, at least the trip would be a short one.

"Casey?" I heard the fear in Olivia's voice. Oh yea, last time my body pulled this stunt with her around, I had a miscarriage and lost one of the twins. It was strange when that thought cropped up, that Tem was originally a twin. God, I didn't know what I would do if I had two children right now. One was daunting enough.

Looking up, I shook my head. "I'm okay. Just really dizzy all of a sudden." I didn't say anything about the lights. They were associated with the migraines, and I had a bad one from not sleeping much recently. "I'm sure it has something to do with not eating." I smiled at her as best I could considering she was somewhat blurry in front of me.

"Alright," she said, her voice not sounding the least bit convinced. "If you say so. As angry as you are about being told what to do, I do think you need to talk to your doctor." I waived her away. "Well, can you stand yet?"

I groaned. "Shut up, okay? Just shut up." I flushed bright red. I really had no idea where these sudden mood swings had been coming from, lasting for only a few seconds, usually, but everything seemed to be setting me off of late which was worse than I normally was, even pregnant.

"Call a bus, El," Olivia instructed. "Casey, you don't have to go to the hospital, but let a medic take a look at you. If they say go to the hospital, go."

"They always say go to the hospital. That's how the fucking fire department makes money." I yelped, clutching my hand to my right side again where Tem had kicked earlier. "Stop it, Baby. You're hurting me." I started crying. "I hurt, Olivia. My head hurts. She hurts. Everything fucking hurts. I don't need a medic. I just want to sleep."

I felt someone wrap themselves around me, but I had squeezed my eyes shut. "Make it stop hurting."

"What hurts?" Olivia asked, her fingers moving my hair out of my face. "Like a migraine?"

"Worse," I murmured. "Like something is trying to dig its way out of my skull. Like I'm being lit on fire just behind my eyes."

"You need a medic, Casey." I could hear Elliot somewhere nearby radioing for a medic as well, but I just kept shaking my head. "Yes, Casey," Olivia whispered. "If not for you, then me. If not me, then Temperance. That little girl needs you for a mother. She depends on you to be healthy right now for her survival. You're not healthy right now. You're sick. If you were alright, this wouldn't be happening."

Huddled against Olivia, I pointed to my bag just out of arm's reach from me. I didn't remember dropping it. "In my wallet is a list of my medications and major medical history. Give it to the medics. But, I want it back. It's my only list."

"Okay. I can do that. Casey, can you stand yet? I want to move out of the way of the elevators."

I shook my head, clinging to her. "It hurts." Everything had a warm glow to it, the spots and strings floating around my vision. Then, without warning, I was lying on the floor, exhausted as I mentally tried to crawl my way out of a place not unlike sleep. I moaned.

"Casey? Can you hear me? The bus is on the way. You just had a seizure, I think. Don't try to move." I couldn't even if I wanted to. My body felt both heavy and light at the same time, like I was some sort of rock that could float on water but couldn't be picked up. Everything still hurt, but it was suddenly too much an effort to move to try to make it go away. I wanted to curl into a ball. My right, upper abdomen was killing me. Tem kicked again, and I swore she was hitting my liver every time she did it. I yelped, but it came out as sort of a weak mewl.

The elevator dinged, and there were suddenly more people around me. I felt Olivia's hands let go of mine, and I reached to get them back but didn't have the energy to really pursue her hand. Large hands covered me. Voices above me asked what had happened. I vaguely understood that I had started convulsing. Someone moved my arm, and I felt the tight squeeze of the blood pressure cuff. "Casey, are you regularly taking your medication for blood pressure?" I nodded. "What's your normal BP?"

"One forfy offer eigh-ee fiff," I murmured, "Wif meth." My voice was slurred, I could hear it, but I wasn't really all there to try and fight it. I was just so tired. So, so tired.

"What else has been going on?"

"Migraines wif fission changes," I slurred, referring to the spots in my vision that accompanied my headages. "Righ' abnomel pain by my ribs. Dithy." My tongue felt huge in my mouth. It was like this massive foreign object that I had to fight just to breathe, let alone talk.

"Have you ever had a seizure before?" I shook my head. "Do you take any medications or drugs not on the list Olivia gave us?" I shook my head again. "And, you're seven and a half months pregnant?" I nodded. "Ever been diagnosed with preeclampsia?" I shook my head. "Did you go to the doctor about your headaches and vision changes and abdominal pain?" Again, I shook my head. "Okay. We're going to take you to the hospital. On the count of three, we're going to lift you onto the gurney. One. Two. Three."

A cannula covered my face, penetrating my nostrils, and I felt the gurney snap to its full height as semi-cool air blew up my nose. I was so tired by that point, I was fighting sleep. "Hey, guys, stop for a second," an unfamiliar female voice said. Someone forced my legs apart, and I cried out but couldn't fight. "I've got bright red blood leaking down her legs. It looks vaginal. Get on the phone with the hospital now and talk to one of the OB's upstairs. We may be taking her straight up."

She may have given more instructions. I zoned her out, searching for someone more familiar. I found it when a hand touched mine and the air became cold around me. "I'm riding," Olivia said, and I clasped her hand as tightly as I could.

"Casey." Someone was shaking me gently as we bumped over the streets of New York. I smacked at their hands. "You've gotta stay awake, okay? I know you're tired and that it hurts, but you gotta stay awake."

"Fuck off," I mumbled, more than a little disgruntled at the idea that through this pain, I had managed to fall asleep and the fucking medics were waking me up. I almost called the woman an asshole but was able to bite my tongue last second. I was just grouchy. There was no need to be a dick to everyone trying to help me. That aside, I wasn't sure if I had fallen asleep or passed out, and there was a very big difference in terms of medical treatment.

My back arched of its own accord as pain shot through my right side. Everything in my vision screamed with bright colors, and it all just hurt. I was trembling, even when the pain in my side ebbed, and I wondered, not for the first time in my life whether or not I was dying. All of this must have been doomed from the start, I figured. From the get go, if I hadn't been fighting the pregnancy consciously, both my body and my fate had against my will. I had been beaten early on, had a spontaneous abortion of only one twin, been shot and nearly died, and jumped into frigid water. Oh, and apparently was so blinded by my determination that nothing else would be wrong that I likely completely missed the signs and symptoms of preeclampsia. Here I was, big bad prosecutor Casey Novak, and I was too either stupid or weak to take care of myself. I whimpered. I wanted to scream, but there was just zero energy for that shit.

"Casey, do you have a medical power of attorney in case they need to call one?" The medic's voice was gentle.

I nodded. Alex had become my power of attorney once I told her giving birth would be a larger than normal life risk. She got Tem if I died, and she got to make the life support decisions for me should that ever become necessary. "Emily Schimke," I ,mumbled, fully aware that she was asking because so far, I didn't look good. If preeclampsia had managed to turn into eclampsia due to my negligence, I was looking at dying if they didn't take Tem soon enough. Stupid, stupid, stupid Casey. Fuck this. David was right. I was a moron, and, potentially a killer. If I lost Tem, I could be charged and held legally responsible because of my stubborn refusal to seek medical attention. Granted, I would more than deserve it.

"Casey, is her number in your phone?" Olivia asked. I nodded hoping that she didn't call. I didn't know if Alex would pick up or if Olivia would recognize her voice. "Okay."

The ambulance pulled to a stop and my gurney bounced as they pulled me out of the back of the bus. Olivia's hand was suddenly missing from mine, and I panicked. "Liv," I slurred.

"Still here, Casey. I'm not leaving you."

Biting my lip, I nodded and turned my attention to the ceiling. The lights passed by at varying speeds, but mostly slowly and painfully. "Doc, this is Casey Novak, she's twenty nine years old and seven and a half months pregnant with a due date of April first. We received dispatch on a seizure. By the time we arrived, she had stopped seizing with witness describing full body convulsions. She's been sleepy but responsive this whole ride, main complaint of pain in the upper right quadrant of her abdomen with bright red vaginal bleeding; secondary complaints of dizziness, headaches, and spots in her vision. So far, she hasn't had another seizure that we were able to observe. Past pertinent history includes an episode of hypothermia three weeks ago in Ireland, treatment in a hospital there, gun shot wound to the chest roughly five months ago in Santa Fe where she was resuscitated three times which resulted in thin walls to her left ventricle and possible clotting in her lungs and legs, and a miscarriage five months ago of the twin to this child. The list has her medications and dosage on it as well."

"Thanks. That should cover everything. Did you check internally on the bleeding?"

"Her cervix doesn't feel open, but to be honest, none of us have had to check that before. We thought it more prudent she get here than we call another crew in. Oh, and she does have a medical power of attorney. Information is with Detective Benson in the lobby."

"Okay. We'll check her more closely. Thanks guys." There was a short pause, and then, he was talking to me. "Casey, I'm Doctor Roger Simmons, the on call OB tonight. They're trying to get a hold of your OB right now, but it's looking like we might not be able to wait for her to get here before we take your baby. Do you understand what eclampsia is?" I nodded. "Okay, well, based on the information from the medics, my first instinct is that that is what's going on. Have you ever had a seizure before?"

Shaking my head, I tried to sit up. "Where's Olivia?"

"Is that who came in with you?" I nodded. "I'll have a nurse go get her. Casey, I'm going to do a brief exam and then I want to do a pelvic exam and see how serious this bleeding is. Have you fallen recently it been injured in any other way?"

"No."

"Okay. Have you ever had placenta abruptio?"

I nodded. "About seven weeks ago. It healed on its own." I could hear my voice clearing from the slurred tones just minutes before. I wasn't particularly energized but I did feel less exhausted and more just plain tired, too. I hoped that was a good sign.

"What caused it?"

"I was assaulted and beaten with a large stick."

I sighed, working up the energy required to place my hand on my stomach. "What's gonna happen to her?"

"The delivery room is already prepped for a C-section. We're gonna give you a steroid shot now and monitor you closely for eclampsia related symptoms again and give you as much steroid to develop your baby's lungs as possible. Chances are high though, that we'll take this baby by midnight."

I squeezed my eyes shut with both physical and emotional pain. "What are her chances?"

"At this point in development, eighty percent or greater with medical intervention so long as she doesn't have any other medical conditions."

I could feel tears, hot like fire, racing down my cheeks. "Be careful with her."

"We will be, Casey." He moved fluidly into the medical exam, checking me head to toe before setting me up for a pelvic while a nurse set up the familiar ultrasound machine. I didn't knew when the baby monitor bands had been put on me. I suspected around the same time that I had an IV started which I also hadn't noticed. By the time he was between my legs, I was clinging to Olivia again, my hand latched in hers, a steady stream of tears flowing down my face.

I kept apologizing, repeating over and over the same words. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."


	72. Chapter 72

I spent the majority of the evening swatting at people from my bed. "Stop touching me," I finally snapped at the fourth blood draw that evening. The bleeding had stopped even though the placenta had pulled away from the wall again, and since I hadn't had another seizure, they were prolonging my torment in the hopes that they could give Tem as much chance as possible to develop. It wasn't that I didn't want to let her develop as long as possible. It was that I didn't want them in my fucking room. I threw the tissue box at the nurse. "I fucking hurt. Touch me again, and I'm going to make you hurt."

So, I'm mean when I'm in pain. It doesn't help that a short temper is actually a symptom of preeclampsia. I don't even think what I had was a seizure. I think Olivia was mistaken, but that's just me. I didn't know what happened, and neither did the doctor. But, my recovery time was a little quick for an actual seizure. "Casey, stop it," Olivia chided. "She's trying to help."

Bless the detective's heart. She had been sitting in the room with me since they put me there, trying to get me to forget what it was I was in the hospital for. "Fuck off, Liv. I just don't want to be touched. I want an hour where I'm not being checked or adjusted or moved or poked or prodded. Hell, even half an hour."

"Casey, we have to keep the monitors on the baby. And you need your blood pressure checked every fifteen minutes," the nurse tried. "I'm trying to be here as little as possible, but we do have to make sure you're okay."

I raked my hands through my hair, pulling it tight, trying to use the light amount of pain to calm myself down, but I had been so off the wall since arriving that I was beginning to feel trapped. Small amounts of panic had set in some time ago from being forced to stay in the same place. It was almost ten o'clock. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to kick and scream. But, most of all, I wanted the hurt to stop. It was almost constant. "I don't care if I'm okay. I want you to leave me the fuck alone."

"Get out. Get the fuck out. Both of you." Olivia gave me a look. "Please, Olivia. God damn it. I just need space right now."

"Okay," the detective said, hand on the nurse's elbow. "If we can give her ten or fifteen minutes, I'm sure she'll calm down. I'm really sorry. She's been a ball of stress lately." Her voice faded as they walked away.

I practically threw myself back on the pillow behind me with a groan of pain and frustration. "Why me? Why the fuck me? What did I do so wrong to wind up with this?" My anger broke down into sobs. "Why? Am I that terrible of a person?" I hugged myself, my nails digging into my skin. I didn't think I was that horrible. Was I, though, and just didn't know it? Was I so self absorbed I didn't see it? Did I earn this? The Catholic in me said I did. I deserved my punishment, and this was it. Now, if only I could figure out the crime.

Twenty minutes of me staring out my third floor window later, nails so far into my flesh that I was worried moving my hands would bring blood – though, in all truth, I could no longer feel my hands, – brought a knock that alerted me to someone at the door. My blood pressure cuff was tightening, and I was fighting the urge to rip it off and throw it. "What?" I snapped.

"Hey, Beautiful," a soft voice murmured. I had called Alex around six thirty when I had been given my room and cell phone. I checked the clock on the wall. It was almost eleven. I stared at her, her blond hair a warm shade of brown, trimmed shoulder length. She was wearing an oversized purple and blue sweatshirt that looked like a dress on her, and a pair of black jeans, harried expression on her face like she had just gotten in from the airport. In her hands, she had a big, pink bear with a plastic heart-shaped nose and little pink and white hearts sewn onto its paws in place of pads. "It's not the Cabot bear, but it's a teddy. I found her in the gift shop downstairs."

Before I could stop it, I burst into tears. "Oh, honey, don't cry. They know what they're doing. You'll be just fine and so will Temperance. You'll see, sweetie." I scooted over as she wrapped her arms around me, and I felt her body slide up against mine. The teddy bear rested on my stomach, and I buried myself into the soft fur of the stuffed toy and the soft fragrance of Alexandra Cabot. The woman was risking a lot to visit me.

I don't know how long she let me cry into her, but when I was done, it was because I had run out of water, not grief or fear. "You came. I told you not to."

"I know," she said. "When have I ever been good at following orders?" She smiled at me, but underneath it, I could see the same dread that I felt. "Do you care if I take the next shift?"

"I think Olivia's had enough of me. She's been sweet. I've been an asshole."

"I know. The nurses said you've been throwing tissue boxes at people. They don't want to give you anything for fear that it'll become a weapon. Can you bar your fighting spirit for a night?" I nodded. "Alright. Can I tell them it's okay to come in and do what they need to do?"

Hesitating, I nearly shook my head. "Casey, these people are here to make sure you stay alive and that Tem gets every opportunity that she can be given in such a precarious situation. She's gonna need a lot more TLC than normal, and I don't want to do this alone. Tem needs her Mommy."

"Okay," I said with a nod, hating myself for doing it. I hated that I was so vile to the staff and to Olivia. Elliot had long been kicked out of the room for the simple crime of being a man. I needed to get in control of myself, and I thought I might manage with Alex around. Psychologically speaking, I was probably too dependent on her presence, but she had, somewhere in all of this, become my security blanket. I wasn't afraid to sleep because she was with me. In the back of my mind, I knew I was afraid of David still, afraid that Jesse would follow me to New York. It was silly, but the latter was particularly plausible, and that left for a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of fear of the dark. "Please don't leave."

"I won't go anywhere."

"You changed your hair."

Alex nodded. "I thought it was time for a change. I got it done yesterday, and I'm glad I did. I can stay in the city a little bit without having to be cooped up in the apartment."

"I still knew it was you," I teased with a smile.

"You better always know when it's me, Missy." I smiled, watching her press the nurses' call button.

"May I help you?" came the disembodied voice over the loud speaker in the room.

"It's safe now. She promises not to throw anything or be mean." I frowned at Alex. "Oh, and I'm here for the night. Can you let the detective know that while I appreciate her watching my beloved that she can go rest up for the night? I'm sure she's got a long day ahead of her."

"Who are you?"

"Emily Schmike."

"We'll pass it on if we see her. Be right in to get vitals."

A busy little woman came in a few moments later. She was plump and friendly looking, and she smiled at me which surprised me since I had been yelling and cussing at them all afternoon. With her graying blond hair, she looked like what everyone wanted their nurse to look like – who wasn't sexually driven. In other words, she looked compassionate, passionate, and competent. I liked her already. "Hi," I whispered. "I'm sorry I'm an ass."

She smiled. "Everyone has days like this, Casey. Yours just happens to be pretty scary. Is this your first baby?" I nodded, biting my lip. "Congratulations. Will Daddy be in to visit you?"

I pointed to Alex. "Em is the closest she's got to a father, but she's more like a mother."

Alex smiled and held out her hand. "Emily Schimke. Casey and I are partners."

"Ah, okay. Well, congratulations to both of you, then. You certainly did a wonder on our patient here."

Alex kissed my cheek. "I'm the Casey whisperer."

The nurse giggled. I smiled. "Well, let's get you checked out then, Casey, before her magic wears off."

I let her adjust what she needed to and hook up what she needed to in order to accomplish whatever it was they were monitoring. My OB knowledge was not up to snuff. She readjusted the BP cuff, the monitors around my abdomen, and placed a pulse ox on my finger to check my oxygen. I had come off the oxygen around eight thirty. It had never fallen below ninety five, but they wanted to be sure just in case.

"All things considered, Casey, you're looking pretty good. In fact, you're looking better now than you were an hour ago which is great. Keep this up, and maybe we can sneak another day or two out of all of this. Every little bit helps."

I almost said _stay the fuck out of my room and I'll be fine, _but I bit my tongue. Alex wouldn't be happy with it if I said it, and, in all truth, I didn't mean it. I was just very short fused in everything, even the most mundane crap ever. Instead, I asked, "When will all the pain go away?"

"You're still hurting?" I nodded. "It'll go away usually completely within the first month after they take the baby. You'll still be on some medications it like the high blood pressure until your vitals return to normal, but I'd say by one or two months after delivery, you should be fine, if not sooner."

"I don't have to stay here, do I?"

"Not unless there are some complications that you need to be kept here for. But, most women can go home."

I nodded. "But, Casey, you are staying home. No work. No office. Not until you're better," Alex murmured.

I ran my hand through Alex's short, brown hair, fingering the ends. "I'll be here with Tem," I said. "Just not as a patient." I looked back at the nurse, adjusting myself. I had been so frustrated with not knowing anything and being in pain that I had just been lashing out. I could have been more productive and actually gotten answers. Tem pushed against my stomach as if in protest of my adjustment, and I pressed a hand over my stomach.

"She's pretty lively, huh?"

I nodded. "I'm pretty sure she's practicing for softball in there."

Alex smiled. "Or rugby," she said with a grin.

"You played rugby?" I asked, surprised.

"Uh huh," she said with a grin. "This princess wasn't always a princess. All through middle and high school, though it was more to defy my parents than anything."

"Ah," I said. "Then, it's a good thing she doesn't have any of your genes."

"Oh, because you didn't defy your parents? Need I mention Sarah?" I flushed. "That's what I thought." She kissed my nose, shifting on the bed a little better so that her body pressed along mine. "Besides, her genes won't have anything to do with it. We can teach her both if she wants to learn. And, she'll probably defy both of us and go be a cheerleader."

I wrinkled my nose. "Blasphemy." It wasn't that I didn't like cheerleaders. That was a work out of a sport, too. It was more that I would have pegged Alex to be the cheerleader in high school. Instead, she played rugby, about the most stereotypically lesbian sport in the nation. Then again, she had parents who denied her sexuality. She lived in a social class where her sexuality was meant to be covert, and it wasn't the upper class. It was the upper, political class. "I can't believe that wasn't you."

"Ew. No. I had friends who were cheerleaders, but do you see me in a short skirt acting peppy?"

"Good point." I smiled, punching her shoulder playfully. "You ass."

"What?"

"You distracted me."

"You should keep her around," the nurse said. "She's a good influence on you." I laughed before gasping in pain, my arms around my middle. "Casey, take slow, shallow breaths until you can lay back. Can you tell me what's going on?"

"My stomach. Oh, God, it hurts." I pressed my hand to my right side, gradually leaning back in the hospital bed, my eyes fluttering closed. "Ow. Fuck. No more laughing."

I watched Alex's eyes flick from me to the nurse. "I'll let the doctor know about that. Are you okay now, though?"

"As okay as I'll be," I murmured.

"Can you tough it out for another fifteen minutes? I can give you some more pain medication then."

"Oh, God, yes please."

The woman gave my knee a squeeze. "Okie-dokie, Casey. You let us know if you need anything, okay."

I nodded.

"Do you have Candyland or something brainless to play?" Alex asked.

The nurse paused. "We have Candyland, Trouble, and Connect Four."

"Trouble?" I asked, looking hopefully at Alex.

"Do you mind?" Alex asked.

The nurse shook her head. She didn't say it, but I was sure she was thinking it beat my earlier game of throwing things at the staff. Anything that kept me happy was good for everyone's health. "I'll be right back."

Alex slid off the bed, kissing me. "I missed you," she murmured, pressing her forehead against mine as the nurse disappeared. "I was hoping to visit for a long weekend before the baby came, but it looks like my long weekend will be a couple of weeks."

"What? You can't stay that long, can you?" I tried not to sound too hopeful. Alex was good on her word. If she were going to stay a couple of weeks, she would stay a couple of weeks. But, at the same time, I didn't want that to mean that she was going to take a nose dive in her job. She still needed to be able to survive out there. Part of me was selfish, though, and didn't care about her work. I just wanted her with me. I would pay her bills if that was what it meant keeping her in New York at my side. Granted, she wouldn't let me, but it was an offer I would be willing to put on the table.

"FMLA covers domestic partnership, Casey. I told my boss that I had to go take care of my partner. I don't know if he was more surprised that I'm gay or that my partner lives in New York and is pregnant, but he granted me three weeks and then told me to call him if I needed more." Her hand rested carefully on my stomach, her thumb stroking up and down. I could feel Tem flutter kick in my stomach, the sensation not like a normal kick. It made me think of a happy dance more than anything. "I imagine I'll be needing more, but it's not a big deal. Besides, I can always find another job later if I need to."

"Do the agents know you're here?" I asked with some suspicion.

"Probably. I used my credit card to buy the plane ticket. I left a voice message for Monica and Daniel – he's my new leash holder, by the way. He's a trip, very serious man, but he won't answer his damn phone. I did my best."

"Pissing off the new handler. Way to go, Cabot." She nuzzled my cheek before standing with a shrug.

Pulling the wheeled table over my legs, Alex adjusted my bed sheets so that I could sit up and still be nicely covered. Then, she helped me sit the bed up a little so that I could function a little better. I folded my legs under the table even as she took the chair. "Sit with me, Alex," I begged. "I need human touch, just not any one else's except yours."

"You're such a dork," Alex said as she took off her shoes and climbed under the covers, cross legged at the end of my bed so that our legs were touching each other. "Oh, you're chilly. You want another blanket?"

"I imagine I'll suck up your heat instantly," I mused with a playful grin as the nurse returned.

"Okie-dokie, ladies. Here's Trouble. I brought Candyland in, too."

"Thanks," I said. "And, I'm sorry about being an ass. I really am. I swear I'm usually nicer."

"Unless you're a defendant," Alex muttered under her breath. I hung my head a little. She was right about that one. I wasn't exactly the sweetest thing to anyone accused of a crime, particularly, anymore with rape or sexual assault of some kind.

I kicked her lightly. "Hush. Don't go telling my dirty little secrets."

"Enjoy ladies, let us know if you need anything." With that, Alex began setting up the game Trouble. I was exhausted but unable to sleep from the pain and the constant poking. If I had to be in pain, then I was glad Alex was around to take care of me emotionally because she helped. Olivia had been kind and sweet, but she wasn't Alex. She didn't do the same things for me Alex did. Alex aside, Olivia was easily my closest friend. I loved her in every platonic way possible. She had become like my older sister. But, Alex was still just Alex, and she was that other part to my soul that I had been looking for so that we could be the original people in the Greek myth – two heads, four arms, four legs, but most importantly, two hearts. Maybe I was being cheesy, but her touching me, her near me, just felt so right that it made me swear that somewhere in the cosmic chaos of the universe, something had settled into place. And, I felt warm and safe and happy and loved.

Alex reached her hand across the table and laced my fingers between hers. She didn't say anything, just continued playing Trouble like it had never happened. So, neither did I say anything about it, and we played Trouble over and over until nearly four in the morning when I finally complained about wanting to close my eyes even if I didn't sleep, and where I surprised everyone by cat napping off and on for a few minutes several times throughout the night, Alex's arms wrapped around me as we huddled on the small bed. Rubbing my hip, Alex would hum me back to sleep, and I was happy to go, though I was happier at five am when I received my next dosage of pain killer.

Intermittently, too, I had been getting steroid shots throughout the night which were a pain to be woken up for. Initially, I had thought Alex was still sleeping, but when her hand tightened on my hip once when I smarted off to the nurses, I knew she had woken up with me and was just quietly laying beside me, playing possum.

Feeling warm and relaxed, I settled down against Alex, dozing off and on for several hours. Her arms were loose around me, and I finally settled most comfortably with one of her hands entwined with mine at my hip. It seemed to be the most natural position for us no matter where we were laying. Every now and then, I would wake with a start at a sharp pain or a movement from Temperance, and I would feel her thumb rubbing along my fingers. She had taken to singing, her voice a soft whisper, various lyrics to _Your Song _by Elton John each time I woke up, and I found myself drifting back to sleep fairly quickly so long as the pain lapsed again.


	73. Chapter 73

**A/N - I give you two shorter chapters today because I need to write an essay for class and I still have a write up to finish for the Court before the judge makes her ruling. :-) Oops. Negligent me. Thanks for the continued support. You all rock. **

Sometime around one that afternoon, though, the pain didn't stop immediately. I jerked up with a start, the pain low in my stomach. Almost as soon as I was aware of being awake, I was aware that my legs were wet, my blankets sticking to me. Alex practically flew out of bed, her fingers wrapping around the cord to my heart monitor and yanking. The disconnection from the wall was a really quick way to get every medical person's attention in the unit, and the Code Blue alarm automatically triggered because the machine thought I was dead. Ultimately,not was an extremely resourceful method of garnishing immediate attention. Several nurses came flying in the room. "Casey, what's going on?" one of them asked.

Another one hung out of the door. "We don't need a crash cart. Get the doctor."

From the corner of my eye, I could see Alex standing beside me, eyes wide in shock. I reached out and grabbed her hand, my fingers fumbling. She latched on to me, shaking her head as though snapping out of her daze. Then again, I didn't blame her. She was covered from the waist down in blood, my blood. I was similarly covered. "Casey, I need you to breathe, kiddo. Tell me how it hurts. This is important."

I looked at the nurse from my huddled position. A wave of pain and nausea broke over me, and I screamed. "I can't. I can't," I panted. A hand touched my cheek, drawing my face to my side, and I found myself looking at Alex, tears spilling over from the pain and the fear. Something was so very wrong, and I was terrified. "I can't. I don't know."

"Casey, look at me. Focus on me. What does the hurt feel like?" She was struggling to control her own panic. I could see it in her eyes, hear it in the edge of her voice. Alex was scared. Something was very, very wrong.

I panted, sucking in air. "Like something's being ripped out of me," I managed, gasping as it felt like the tear grew bigger. A screamed again, my hand curling tighter against my stomach. "Get it out of me."

"Casey, it's Alyssa, Doctor Monroe, can you talk to me?" The familiar voice of my OB made me turn to look at her. The woman was heaven sent because she was also my PCP which meant I hadn't needed to get used to a stranger touching me in the very early stages of my pregnancy. It was a blessing considering what had been done. She worked in a family practice, but I had fallen in love with her as a doctor when I was in college and I was sick all of the time from not sleeping or eating.

"It's hurts," I murmured, trembling.

"I know, kiddo. It sucks. I need to take a look at what's going on, though, so I need you to lay back." I gripped Alex's hand tighter, and she pressed her hand to my shoulder, pushing me backwards. I glanced between the two women near me and knew that Alex wouldn't let something terrible happen in any way she could prevent, and neither would my doctor. "Good job, Casey. I'm just going to move your feet up to these stirrups so I can get a better look at what's going on. Did you wake up in pain?"

"Yea. It woke me up," I said, biting my lip and fighting the urge to curl up again. "Please, make it stop." Maybe I was being a baby about it, but it really did feel like my insides were being ripped from me. My stomach felt tight, the muscles not relaxing, and I was clawing at Alex's hand as I cried.

"Casey, I know this is going to be difficult to do because of the pain, but I'm guessing the placenta tore from your uterine wall even more. I'm concerned there might be a tear in the placenta as well which is why you're bleeding more than normal. The tightness you're feeling here-" She pressed her fingers below my navel and above my public bone- "is from contractions which are normal with placental abruptions. If you can relax a little, the contraction might as well."

"What's going to happen?" Alex asked.

"They're prepping the delivery room for the emergency C-section we were all hoping Casey wouldn't need so soon. We'll take Temperance and get her treated for any shock or blood loss and we'll treat Casey as well. Do you know if she's taking her blood thinners regularly?" Monroe responded, looking to Alex for guidance since it was clear that I wasn't going to be relaxing any time soon.

Alex held my head against her stomach, combing her fingers through my hair. I could hear her heart racing, but on the surface, she seemed so calm and in control. "Two weeks ago, she was. I've been out of town since then. Neither of us were exactly expecting this."

"I would have been worried if you were."

Alex pulled away. I clung tighter to her, sobbing. "Casey, sweetie, you have to let go of me. They need to transport you to the delivery room. I'll still be here." She paused, then, not addressing me said, "I can be in there, right?"

"If she wants."

"Please," I begged. "I don't want to be alone."

Alex squeezed my hand back. "Honey, I'm not going to leave you alone. I'll be right wherever you need me to be."

The doctor nodded. "Casey, kid, I'm going to have one of the nurses take Emily and help her scrub in."

I came so very close to asking who Emily was, but as I looked up at Alex, I remembered. Face scrunched up in pain, I nodded, gradually releasing my grip on the newly dyed brunette's hand. Alex kissed my forehead. "Beautiful Casey, I won't be far, I promise. See you in a minute."

I watched Alexandra leave me behind with a sharp twist in my gut. I was terrified, and as I looked back to my doctor, I started to cry in earnest. Everything I had tried to keep inside flooded out. "It'll be over soon, Casey," Alyssa said, her voice soft.

I just nodded, my energy sapped. If that was all my blood on the sheets and on Alex, then it was no surprise I was drained again. In theory, no matter how many fluids they pumped me with, that was an awful lot of blood in twenty four hours. I was not exactly willing to concede the obvious - that it was a potentially life threatening amount, - but that concept still hung in the air, a poisonous gas hovering around me. Foolishly, I had been banking on three more months to bask in immortality before I had to face facts that there was a great chance that the last thing I would ever do was give my child life. Kind of poetic in a creepy way.

Of course, there was the notion that it wasn't all my blood. In which case, I was praying the majority of it was mine because I had a lot more that I could lose in terms of sheer quantity than the baby could. There was simply lot more of me than her. Besides, if one of us had to bleed out, I would much rather it be me. Temperance had so much more in her future than I did, and as long as Alex was caring for her, I knew she would be safe.

My eyes fluttered as the bed lurched into motion, and I felt my arms and legs go limp and numb. My whole body felt suddenly, wonderfully limp and numb. "Casey, listen to me. Stay awake." The voice was androgynous, as were the shapes of the people around me, and sounded like it was coming through water. I sighed, exhaling softly.

A hand clasped mine, and I could vaguely feel the soft but plasticy fabric of the surgical gown against the back of my fingers. Something warm and wet touched my skin, instantly cooling, and I managed to look up at the former blond. She was crying. I could see the tears dripping off her chin, and that was what had landed on my hand. "It's a lot of blood, huh?" I mumbled.

She nodded. I thought she said something, but I couldn't tell. My filters weren't working right. I was going into shock, and my system had already been stressed to near capacity. My chest hurt. There was a pounding of blood in my ears, and I knew my body was working far too hard to keep me alive.

Someone pulled Alex away from me, my hand trailing after her, falling slowly down like a feather, light dancing around it as my brain struggled to focus. I wanted to tell her to come back, but I couldn't. The words weren't quite there. I closed my eyes, wondering what was happening to me that I couldn't feel.

My hand was lifted, fingers forced open. The pads of my fingers met something that felt a little like a peach, and it was a sign of blood loss that I didn't question why there was a peach in the delivery room. At that, I wasn't even entirely sure where I was at that point. I might well have been in a peach orchard for all I was aware.

The peach turned against my fingers, and I felt two tiny ridges open, something warm, wet, and slippery mashing over the tips of my fingers. Something more primal in my brain responded to that touch because, consciously, I was at a loss. Of their own accord, my fingers danced over the object until it was my smallest finger pressed lightly to the ridges. Again, my finger was enveloped by warm, sticky wetness as the peach tried to suck at my finger without a great deal of long term success.

As though powered by a switch, the light in the conscious part of my brain flickered to life, and I fought the haze I was in, like kicking to the surface. It was also the first time I realized just how cold I really was. Opening my eyes, I tried to focus. Alex was sitting down beside me, tiny infant held close to her chest. The baby's deep red lips were latched firmly around my pinkie, breaking every couple of seconds like a fish out of water. The primal part of many brain recognized that something was wrong, that she wasn't sucking right. In the back of my mind, that primal maternal part of me knew that she wouldn't survive if she didn't learn to suck. It was that part that wiggled my finger against her mouth. "Hi, Baby. Remember me?" I stroked her face with the rest of my fingers, my index finger hooking just below her jaw and pushing it forward ever so slightly. Her latch on my finger changed, and her little tongue and mouth moved faster and harder. "You won't get anything there," I whispered, "but keep trying."

If I wasn't so lost to the primordial part of the human being I was, I probably would have panicked. As it was, my body was doing what it knew to do to preserve the life of my offspring. Pure instinct prevailed. "Casey," someone said, "move your finger." I shook my head. "Just your pinkie, kiddo. We're going to try and give her a bottle. They managed to stop your bleeding, but you need surgery or you're not going to be around to see her grow up."

I moved my small finger from her mouth, and she let it go with a pop. The nurse replaced it with a tinny tiny nipple attached to a tinny tiny bottle. "That's really impressive for just thirty one weeks, Casey. I think your daughter is going to be just fine." The nurse's fingers replaced mine at the infant's jaw, and I caught the questioning look in her eyes. It wasn't that I knew what I was doing because of any sort of training. Apparently, being almost dead myself, it was suddenly easier to know how to preserve life. I couldn't say. It was just an automatic gesture.

"She's mine?" I whispered. Alex nodded. Until that moment, it had not really clicked that she was mine, and that she was okay. I watched her work at the bottle. She was working harder than she should have been, but she was still too young to even be managing the was she was. Then again, the reflex developed sometime between thirty and thirty six weeks with the coordination to suck and breathe, so maybe it was alright.

I watched her carefully. She was tiny, smaller than I thought she would be, and the peach texture had been the remnants to the fuzz that had only recently begun to shed in utero. There was almost no fat on her body, but from what I could tell, she looked okay. One little hand wiggled loose of the blankets around her, and I reached out to offer her my finger. She took it in a loose grasp, and I ran my thumb over her fingers. "Ten and ten," Alex said. I watched her smile even though she was still crying. "She's perfect and she's beautiful, just like you. They're going to fix you up, Casey. Promise me you'll come back."

I nodded, my body suddenly too heavy to function. The edges of my vision faded out, and I disappeared into the place of perfect quietude inside my head. I was rather familiar with this part of my mind, and I stayed there, safe, warm, and suspended, rocked back and forth in primordial warmth. The sea off the Irish coast had felt primordial, but it was also hostile and punishing. The primordial ooze in which I hung in that moment or those moments, for I did not know how long I remained, was safe and warm.

All that my daughter experienced in my womb where it was warm and safe and being plucked from it into cold hostility, I had experienced, and not just at my own moment of birth, but then, too, in the cold hostility of the Irish sea and the warmth of where I was then. Except, now, twenty nine years of life later, I felt as if I were going backwards. It wouldn't surprise me, then, if I began to shift apart, be come fewer and fewer cells until I vanished all together.

And, in my warm, peaceful cocoon where I knew no fear or grief or happiness, only sheer peace and contentment, I waited for exactly the to happen.


	74. Chapter 74

My chest ached in a way the was both internal and not nearly as deeply internal as my chest pain usually was when my heart was being a pain. It was an ache that was almost a need, but it hurt. It genuinely hurt, and in my warm shell, I had no idea what was going on. I tried the press my hand to my chest but found that I had nothing to touch. I went through myself, as though my cellular structure had already begun to break down. Was that it, then? Was I breaking down, and it hurt? Did it hurt to be part together? Had Temperance hurt inside me as her body molded and grew and twisted and curved?  
I could only imagine what that must have been like for her, but in the warm space, I was reluctant to feel anything but blind peace. A part of me knew that out there was hate and hurt and grief and fear, but I stayed firmly planted in my cocoon where those things could not find me. The darkness around me was peace. The breaking apart of my body was absolute silence. Everything converged here in perfect harmony so that there was nothing. Nothing. I wasn't happy because happiness no longer existed. But, I was something. I was nothing. And, that nothingness felt better than what I had been feeling.

And, it was better that got me thinking. I pressed my hands not to my stomach but through it and felt the emptiness that I had once dreaded for so many reasons. How would I sleep at night without feeling my daughter's gentle kicking? Would she look like him or me? Would she be happy? Could I even be a good mother? Where was she? Who cared for her while I was in that place? Had they given her to Alex? The ache in my chest throbbed with need, and I realized it wasn't my chest hurting, but my breasts. The base primal mother in me reacted. How was my baby being fed? The baser instinct didn't seem to realize there was such a thing as formula for infants. It realized only that if I was incompetent, my offspring would die.

Pure, guttural fear ran through me, seeping into my spine like a writhing beast, and I fought at my cocoon. My daughter would die. It occupied my thoughts completely as I fought and kicked at the darkness surrounding me. I fought up, up through the warmth and into the cold. Up and up, kicking and fighting and twisting. The air was suddenly on my skin, and it felt cold. I wanted so desperately to shrink away, to go back and hide, but I couldn't. A single life in the grand scheme of things may not have meant much, but that life depended on me.

The red light behind my lids shocked me, and I must have gasped because something squeezed my hand. "Casey?" Her soft voice met my ears with familiarity, but I did not like the sound of it. I shrank away. Why was it afraid? Here, in the world of cold light, was I a monster? Was my offspring a monster too?

Those base instincts that had brought me back to the surface suddenly recoiled. Was this light fire? Wouldn't it drive me away lest it kill me? Where was my baby? I must have asked that last one aloud because the voice returned, "She's in the NICU. She'll be alright. Thank God you are, too."

I opened my eyes just the slightest, and the red light slipped away into the bright white of the hospital. "Wh-" I mumbled, turning my head to where I had heard that voice. My blond had gone brunette, and I could remember that with just a twinge of sadness. She looked fine with her pale brown hair, but the fact that she had felt the need to dye it at all said she wasn't safe as herself in this city. That was the past that made me sad. Reaching up, I touched her cheek with my fingers, the pull of the IV an uncomfortable tug at the bend in my elbow.

She took my hand and flattened it against her cheek, nuzzling my palm. "You scared me."

"What happened?" I asked. "Last thing I remember, Tem was sucking on my finger." With a gasp, I sat up, my abdomen screaming at me that it had been a bad move on my part to have moved like that so suddenly. "Tem, my baby. Where is she?"

"Relax, Casey. Temperance is in the NICU. She's doing just fine, too. She's breathing on her own and she takes a bottle which is no small feat for someone so premature." I heard Alex pause, and I gave her a look that dared her not to tell me what she was hesitating to say. I knew she didn't want to upset me, but I wanted to know. "She lost a lot of blood, Casey. So did you. The, uh, the placenta tore. Fortunately, she was fine once they tied the umbilical cord and gave her fluids. Do you remember the C-section at all?"

I shook my head. That was fuzzy.

"Uh, okay. Let me timeline it for you. They took her Friday afternoon at one forty seven PM. Her sucking on you finger was Friday night, almost Saturday morning because they had to get her stable. In the meantime, you kept bleeding. To stop the bleeding, they gave you a hysterectomy. The wall of your uterus was torn, and they couldn't repair it. I don't know the specifics. You'll have to ask. There was so much blood, Casey. They thought they were going to lose you. It's why they gave me Tem, so you could touch her and see her and have a reason to hold on."

It was too hard to fight the tears, so I didn't. "What day is it?"

"Monday. You've been in and out since yesterday morning. Though, this is the first time you've been cognitive."

Slowly, I laid back down. It was going to take a moment to process all of that. "Why is Tem still in the NICU?"

"They plan on releasing her to me on Wednesday so long as she continues to do well. Mostly, they want to monitor her."

Pressing my hand to my chest, I was pleased to find myself entirely solid once again. "It hurts," I murmured.

Alex nodded. "Milk. Even though you haven't been breast feeding these last two days, it'll still come in." I looked rather, brow raised. She held up a pamphlet. "I haven't left, Case, so the nurses gave me some reading material."

"Oh. Thank you."

"What for?" She sounded genuinely perplexed.

"Not leaving me." A knock on the door drew my attention that direction. "Come in."

"Oh, you're awake," said a sprite-y looking woman around my age with angular features that bordered on being too harsh for her small frame. "I'll let the nurse know." She vanished before I could say anything.

A few moments later, I found myself going through all of the standard hoops involved worth waking up post-surgery in a hospital. I had spent the majority of 2003 in a hospital, and I was determined to make 2004 different. My nurse's name was Carla, and I was given the same synopsis about my weekend as Alex had given me with more medical terminology thrown in there. "This," I said, indicating my breasts which were leaking uncomfortably, "hurts."

"I bet. Do you think if one of us showed you how, you could pump? It's better for your baby to have breast milk over formula."

I sat up even though it made me cringe. "I'd prefer to hold my baby and breast feed her to be honest," I said. Alex looked at me, surprised. The few times we had discussed post natal anything remotely similar to that, I had been really reserved about breast feeding. I shrugged. "I can't be totally damaged. I've let you put your mouth on them, and that was for my gratification. If I can't let my kid do her infant feeding thing, then it kind of makes me a selfish bitch, don't you think?"

Alex half smirked, half flushed, her eyes lowered as the nurse looked between us. Ah. So, Alex hadn't told anyone. And, they had let her stay which impressed me. Usually, she had to tell people she was my wife to get anywhere. "I don't say that," she murmured as she brought my fingers to her lips, brushing my skin with hers. "Who am I to tell you what to do? I'm just glad you're still around."

Brushing Alex's lips with my thumb, I looked up to the nurse, awaiting her response. "I'll have to double check with both your doctor and you daughter's doctor."

"Thank you," I interjected before she could say but or any of the similar words.

She frowned slightly before smiling, shaking her head. "You are not like most patients."

"I spent a lot of time in hospitals this past year. If I let being a patient stop me from doing what I want, I'd never get anything done." I squeezed Alex's hand tight. She was my rock. What the fuck I would have done without her, I just did not know."Oh, and do you have a cup or something?"

"Paper one?" I nodded. Carla grabbed one from a closet near the sink, handing it to me.

Mumbling my thanks, I waited for her to leave before in snapping my gown and adjusting the wires and tubes around my body there to monitor me. "Jesus Christ," I said, peeling away the little sterile pads that had soaked up most of what was leaking out of me. "Ow. Fuck." Delicately, I pinched my nipple, coaxing the excess milk from me and easing some of the discomfort. The sound brought back memories of childhood, particularly of Georgia.

"You sure this is your first kid?" Alex asked as she watched me.

"I'm the second oldest of a Catholic family, Al. My mother used to do the same thing with my brothers." I took just enough to relieve the pressure and fullness. "It's about the only thing I know about nursing."

I set the cup on the table by my bed. Alex sighed and held out her hand. "You're stuck in bed. I might as well be useful." I handed her the cup, and she took it to the sink, dumping it out before tossing the cup. She pulled a face as she walked back to me. "It was warm."

I laughed, flinching as the movement tugged on my stomach. "It better be. I'm alive." Pulling up the blanket, I looked at the zig zag line of stitches the nurse had shown me a few minutes before. "Jesus. That scar is gonna suck."

"Yea. But, you're alive and Tee's alive, and that's what counts."

"I'm sorry I scared you, Alex. I really am. But it's all over now, right? We can have a happy, healthy 2004 with a quasi normal life style, baring the fact that we're both women and we live hundreds of miles apart."

Alex smiled. "There's nothing abnormal about the fact that we're both women."

Playfully, I punched her. She punched me lightly like I might break, and then, she was leaning over me, mouth covering mine in the deepest, most gently loving kiss she had ever given me. I couldn't tell if it were her tears, mine, or both of ours rolling down my cheeks. I pulled her closer to me, my hand working through her less than shoulder length hair to make her comply. She was careful about not putting her weight on me, though, which was the assurance I wanted. I wanted to feel her on me, but she was probably being smarter than I was. Not exactly anything new.

"Knock, knock," a woman said from the door, and I let Alex go, flush to my cheeks. "I brought someone to see you." I looked up to find a skinny Hispanic woman maybe ten years my senior standing there with what looked like a bundle of cloth in her arms. Alex stepped back, and I readjusted my blankets before holding out my arms.

As soon as the doctor set the baby on my arms and I looked down, my heart stopped. It took me a good minute to remember to breathe, and no matter how fast I blinked, the tears still came. She was tiny and delicate, the blankets seeming to swallow her. She was thin, boney, but otherwise, apparently healthy. her skin was thin and fragile, more pinkish red than any racial color.

Over all she was pretty much amorphous in the yellow onsite with the duckie on the front that I bet was Olivia's doing, surrounded by blankets that were also likely the squad's doing if not Alex's. She didn't look like me, but she didn't look like him, either. Her mouth sucked in her sleep, and I pressed my pinkie finger over her lip. Her mouth automatically opened. "Hi, Temperance," I said, my voice squeaky with emotion. "Hi, beautiful baby. Do you remember me? I'm Mommy. You've been inside me the past seven months. I'm sorry you couldn't stay longer, but I'm really glad to meet you now."

Her eyes opened, lids still heavy as she looked up at me. I knew she was far too young to actually see me, but looking into her eyes made me feel like I was swimming in them. I had been so afraid I wouldn't bond with her, wouldn't be able to touch her, but she had stolen my heart and carried it off to that place where children take them.

"This," Alex whispered as she leaned forward in her chair so that her cheek brushed my shoulder, "is perfect."

I kissed her head. "Yea. It is." For her part, our daughter was living in a world based entirely on instinctual preservation, and those instincts seemed to be working as she burrowed her face against my breast, her mouth sucking at my skin.

Turning, I looked up at the doctor who had stepped to the side to let us gawk at the baby. I was basking in the idea of being a family, of being a mother. But, I needed help with the whole thing about actually nursing my child. "You're doing fine," she murmured, and she spent the next fifteen minutes helping me to adjust and make sure Tem was getting what she needed. "She's taken really well to nursing, Casey. In fact, she's been about the most laid back preemie I've seen in a while. You okay?" I nodded. "Alright, buzz if you need anything. I'll bring the bassinet in in just a moment."

I nodded, my attention completely on my child as I shifted her again. Alex cuddle up next to me, her face against the arm that wasn't supporting Tem. "You ready for this?" I asked with a small smile.

"God, no."

"Me either."

"We'll figure it out. She's so perfect, Casey. You're amazing." She kissed my arm.


	75. Chapter 75

Temperance spent the afternoon in my room under medical supervision. I made Alex go back home for a few hours and get showered and changed somewhere that had a real shower, not the crappy shower at the hospital, and unpack her suitcase, small though it may be. Given how much of her stuff was actually at my place, I was beginning to wonder what she could possibly be bringing anymore. I also sent her to get some of the onsies for Temperance and one of the blankets she had at our house so that the ones the detectives had brought in could be washed. I was so incredibly grateful to each of the detectives at that point, too. First, both Temperance and I probably would have bled to death on the couch in my office if they hadn't been nosy. Then, that office would have been deemed bad luck since Alex had been its occupant before me and two dead ADAs was never a good sign. Plus, I'd be dead, and that would really suck.

Most of the time, the baby spent in my arms. Knowing how close we had both come, I was loathe to put her down once she was snuggled up against my chest. "You're a fighter, huh, Baby?" I stroked the soft, dark mats on her head. The curl was barely there, but, bless her heart, her hair would curl like mine if it stayed the way it was. Already, without a straightener, my hair was returning to its natural curl. She was laying on her tummy on my chest, and I was just happy to watch her breathe as she slept. Her mouth hung partially open, and a little piece of dried skin hung off her upper lip, wiggling in the wind of her breath. I was tempted to peel it off, but I had been cautioned against peeling any of her still flaking skin. I thought that it had to be itchy, but Tem didn't seem to mind, so I heeded the nurses' warnings and didn't pick.

She twitched and jerked in her sleep, gasping as if she were having a nightmare. Then again, so far, her prenatal life and her birth had been rather traumatic; I hoped it wasn't a prelude to the rest of her life because then I'd feel like some kind of asshole, setting her up like this. "It's okay, Little One. Mommy's here. I've got you." I offered my finger, and she sighed, burying her head against my skin and gown, her fingers closing over mine with a light but basically secure grip.

"Knock, knock?" Munch's voice came from the doorway, and I glanced up to find the rail thin detective standing there with a bouquet of mixed flowers.

"We come in?" Fin asked from beside him.

I nodded, gesturing them inside. "Where do you want these?" Munch asked as everyone piled into the room. I shrugged, so he set them beside the sink. There was a little 'congratulations' Mylar balloon in with the flowers which I found sweet, though I wouldn't tell Munch that.

"Oh my God, Casey, she's beautiful," Olivia purred as she came up beside me, offering me a teddy bear with 'get well soon' sewn into it's stomach.

Taking the teddy, I stroked the soft paw along Team's forehead. The baby shifted again on me as though trying to rid herself of the paw, and I laughed. "Thank you," I murmured. "And, thanks for the onsie and blankets. We both really appreciate it."

"Not a problem, kid," Fin chirped. "You were a little preoccupied. How are you feeling?"

"I imagine it's about what being hit by a semi would feel like. My whole body hurts, but my stomach especially. It's like they ripped something out of me or something." Elliot snickered. I smiled. That was the reaction I had wanted. It wasn't that I thought it was funny, but humor was a decent way of dealing with things sometimes. "Someone appreciated it."

Fin just raised his brow. "Sorry, Casey. We were all really worried. It hasn't been the same without you."

"I know. I'm fucking fabulous. Give me about three months, and I'll be back. I promise. You don't get off that easy. It's like I'm your court ordered punishment or something."

"Or something," Olivia murmured. She had not taken her eyes off the baby, and I carefully adjusted her so that she was laying in my arms so she could see better.

"Haven't you seen her?" Olivia shook her head. They all did. "Why not?"

"No one could without your permission. Last I heard, there was a custody order that was in place, but the hospital was waiting to make sure child services agreed it was valid before letting anyone in. Who would have gotten her, Casey?"

"Emily," I murmured.

"Your power of attorney."

I nodded. "She's family, Liv. I wanted her to be with family if anything happened to me."

"So, she's a cousin or something?" Elliot asked. "Just wanna make sure she's a good person."

"I have faith that you would have really liked her." I held Temperance out towards Olivia a little. "Wanna hold her?"

Olivia's eyes went wide. "Really?"

I nodded, and I slid my baby out of my arms and into Auntie Liv's. The detective cradled her against her chest, rocking lightly on her feet. "She's so tiny, Casey."

I knew it, and already, my arms felt the absence of her weight. I wanted to tell her to give her back, but I knew Tem was safer with Olivia than she was with anyone else on the planet including Alexandra and myself. "She's still out. She must trust you."

The brunette detective smiled. It was a smile that reached her eyes, and it made me smile to know that something so simple as holding Tem made her smile like that. "She's a heart stealer."

"Tell me about it," I laughed. " I'm glad you like her. You're my first call for a babysitter."

"Oh, anytime." She held the baby out to Fin, and they both looked at me for permission.

"You're family," I said with a shrug. "She better get used to you all holding her. Emily may be staying to help me adjust, but I still have a feeling it'll be a long three months without you visiting me. You all better come over."

By the time Fin was done with her and had passed her on to Munch, Tem was awake, her wide eyes staring up at what must have been very odd blobs to her. I watched her latch on to Munch's fingers and try to pull them to her mouth. I laughed. What a life to be concerned only with food and sleep. But, she didn't fuss. In fact, she hasn't made a sound in the six hours that I had known her except to sigh, gasp, and burp. I wondered if the not crying was a preemie thing or just a Tem thing. I wasn't concerned. The staff didn't seem concerned, and I was taking my cues from them. According to my mother, I had been a quiet baby. Maybe the Novak women were just quiet infants. My brothers had not been.

Elliot brought her back to me, and I propped her carefully in my arms. "Someone's hungry," he murmured as she tried to keep his finger, opening her mouth. "Ah, kid, I think you wanna talk to your mom about that one." He laughed softly, and I saw him look at her with the eyes I had hoped to see from her varied uncles. It was that look that said he'd protect her, come Hell or high water. My modesty made me cover myself, but even in the dark, animal instincts prevailed, and she found her way to what she wanted.

"She seems well adjusted," Olivia said, a hint of question on her tone.

I nodded. "They expect to be able to discharge her on Wednesday. I'm hoping that I'll be set to go then, too, but we'll see."

"What if she's discharged before you?" Fin asked.

Shrugging, I looked over art where he had perched against the windowsill. "I'm going to have to learn how to pump, won't I?"

He smiled but didn't say anything, his arms folded across his chest even as he silently chuckled. After a few seconds of silence, he sighed. "You're the luckiest kid I've ever met. Both you and your kid."

My instinct was to argue that. I didn't personally find it lucky how close we had come to dying. I opened my mouth to protest, but I slowly closed out again as I realized that maybe we were lucky. Yea, bad things had happened that previous year, but, at the same time, we had gotten through it all and then some, and we were still no worse off than we had ever been. "Yea," I agreed. "I guess we are."

I shook my head. Damn. I had a fucking crazy life. The funny part was that I wouldn't trade it with anyone.

Everyone stayed for about a half hour, but at that point, I could barely keep my eyes open. Yawning, I waved at them as they left. "Thanks. Come back and say hello tomorrow. I'm sorry. I'm just beat."

Olivia smiled. "We'll forgive you this one time," she murmured.

I just gave her a bashful grin. Then, they were out the door, and I was well on my way to dreamland until another knock on the door made me start, the baby jumping as well. Instinctively, I covered Temperance with both my hands and a blanket, as though hiding her might protect her. I knew why I did it. PTSD and general fear made me instinctively protect, particularly when startled from that place just between awake and asleep.

"Casey?" I was instantly awake. "I got a call that you were in the hospital, so I came by to check on you. Are you okay? Can I come in?"

"Robert," I said, staring at my older brother. I still had not talked to family since Thanksgiving. I had been putting it off to no end. "Come in. Yea. Sit. I'm okay. I almost wasn't, but they know what they're doing here." I smiled vaguely.

"That, they do. I hope you don't mind. You've got me in your file here as your priest. I wasn't sure what to do."

"Yea" I hung my head and chewed my lip. "I haven't really been communicating. I'm sorry. I'm still hurt, though."

"For what it's worth, as long as you're loved the way my little sister ought to be loved, I don't care who does it. I told you already, I don't think God will reject you for loving. Hating, maybe. But, not loving." I smiled, pulling the blanket away from Temperance, trying to keep myself covered. "That's your baby, huh?"

"She's your niece, too, Robert. I want her to have all of her family, but I won't have her raised around people who think that her having two mothers is wrong or the fact that she was born before I was married is wrong." He reached out and touched her head. Temperance gurgled, wiggling at the touch of someone she had never really met before.

"How is she?" he asked.

"She's alright. For being thirty one weeks, she's about on par with where she should be developmentally, but the medication that I was on wound up developing her lungs and heart enough that she's able to breathe on her own."

Robert smiled. "How's Mommy doing? They don't usually call in the priest."

I nodded. "I'm fine. There was a bit of a scare there for a bit. When she was born, I nearly died and took her with me."

He kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry that no one was here with you."

"Alex was here," I said, eyes closed. "She held Temperance first."

"That's good, Casey. I really am glad." Robert sat down in the chair beside my bed and looked at me. Robert sat down in the chair beside my bed and just looked at me. There was no judgment or sense of studiousness about him as he watched me holding Tem. It was just that calm, collect way he had about him since we were children and he used to sit with me in silence late at night if I had a nightmare or was worried about some silly child thing. I pulled my gown up over myself and wrapped Temperance in her blanket.

Finally, it was Robert who broke the comfortable silence. "Dad wants to see you," he said. "But he's not sure he's allowed."

"He's allowed. Why wouldn't he be? I just don't want him to try and talk me into changing my mind about who I am. Being in love is not something that gets turned off, no matter who I'm in love with. Believe me, Robert, I'm the last person I expected to be a lesbian."

"I've known you your whole life, Casey. You're not a lesbian. Obviously, you're not straight either, but I heard your voice when you said that Alex was the first person to hold your daughter. You've never used that voice with anyone else, even if day dreaming about someone real or imaginary."

I flushed. "She's got me, heart and soul, Bobby. Alex is very much out of the norm for me. I experimented, though, in high school with a girl."

"Sarah Knowles," he said. "I remember her." My eyes were bug wide. "I'm your older brother, Casey. I'm not stupid. It was my job to know your business."

"You never told Mom and Dad."

"That was not my business."

I smiled. "Thanks."

He shrugged. "It is what it is, Casey. You are what you are. God doesn't make mistakes."

"I know."

He smiled. "So, Dad?"

"He and Mom have my new address. He knows where I work. He knows my phone number. Robert, I love Dad. I do. But, I don't owe him an apology. He owes me one. So does Mom, but that's more than I expect. Regardless, if he wants to talk to me, he knows how to get a hold of me." I could taste the bitterness on my tongue, and I bit my cheek in frustration and sadness. I should not have been bitter towards my father. With my mother, it was just a given, but my dad was my dad. He taught me to swing a bat and catch a ball.

My brother took my hand in his. "Casey, don't be bitter about it. Anger hurts only the one who is angry. Right now, you have so much more to live for than anger. Live for love, the love you have for your daughter. The love you have for Alex. That kind of love, Casey, is more important than anything, but especially more important than anger or fear."

I nodded. "How did you wind up the wise one in the family?"

"I have no idea. But, in truth, Jen is much wiser than I am in so many things. And, if we're sticking to strictly blood family, Frankie is your go to guy."

"You're more articulate than Frankie is."

"Bless him."

"Yea." I shook my head, smiling down at my baby girl. "You have a huge family. I hope they all learn to accept you and love you. I've learned it. It was a slow process, though, so I guess I should give them the same second chance I gave me."

"Sounds like that's not the only thing you've learned, Case. You know, your brothers wanted to have a baby shower for you. Actually, Jen was the one who figured it all out, but when no one could get a hold of you, we kind of dropped it."

I felt myself tear up. God, I had been a fool. "Really? Would Alex have been allowed?"

"Of course, Casey. If you two are in this together, then she would have been invited. It would have been your shower. You could invite your whole office for all we cared. Laurie and Susan might not have liked it, but then, they can always stay at home." He smiled at me. "Did you really think of all people, we would abandon you?"

"I didn't know what to think, Bobby. I knew Mom's reaction would be about what it was. It was Dad I wasn't expecting to act that way. I've spent my whole life believing what he told me, foolishly, naively, but I did. He told me I would be his baby girl no matter what happened. But, when what happened was that I fell in love with a woman, I couldn't be his baby girl anymore. It was that sense of betrayal that hurt more than anything. It's been a weight on my shoulders these past two months, but, God, Robert, if you could only see the way she treats me. Neither Charlie nor David ever loved me as much."

"I'd like to meet her. Jen has nothing but good things to say about her."

"That's because there's nothing but good things to say about Alex." I adjusted in my bed, laying Tem down on my legs, still bundled up. Hospitals were cold, and if I were having trouble keeping warm, it was no surprise that a neonate would as well.

"Only because you've never seen me angry," a voice from the doorway announced. I looked up as Alex dropped the small duffel bag off her shoulders. "I hope you don't mind, I borrowed this. I also picked up some preemie diapers. And, oh-" She pulled out a flat box. "I don't know if you can eat them, but when they let you eat human food, I'm hoping you'll like them."

Curious, I wiggled the top off the box and found several smaller bags of chocolate coffee beans lined up inside with various flavors of surrounding chocolate. "Oh, yum. Thank you, Alex." I reached an arm out to hug her, trying not to disturb the sleeper on my lap. "Um, Robert, Alex. Alex, Robert."

Alex held out her hand. "Casey's older brother? I see the family resemblance. Though, don't mind me saying, but Casey's much prettier."

Robert laughed. I went bright red. "She ought to be. She's the only girl. A pleasure to meet you, Alex."

"You as well." Alex looked to me for a little guidance.

"It's alright, Al. Robert's my emergency contact for the hospital When did they call you?"

"Yesterday morning, apparently. I didn't get the message until this morning, though. I'm so sorry about that."

"It's okay. I'm surprised you check your messages anyway."

He smiled tightly. "When you didn't call back, I checked the messages every day. I was worried David had done something to you, and that was why you weren't talking to me."

I hung my head. "No. I'm sorry, Bobby. David's in jail awaiting trial. He can't hurt me." Alex rested her hand on my shoulder for support, and I lay my head against her arm. I didn't mention the people who could, who had, because I just didn't want to. Maybe this was all just a sign that things would turn out better this year than last. Though, I had to admit, one of the best things that had ever happened to me had happened in 2003. I met Alex, after all.

Robert looked at Alex. "So, you used to work with my sister?"

"Yep. She's a damn fine attorney, too." Again, I flushed, my cheeks a hot, bright red. "I kind of wished I still worked with her."

"Where are you stationed?"

Alex didn't miss a beat. "Wisconsin. I wouldn't call it stationed, though."

"Ah, my apologies. Jen made it sound like you were in the military."

"Similarly enough as far as the being away from family thing goes, but no. I am not that brave." Their conversation ebbed and flowed with the occasional interjection from me, particularly when Robert started in on childhood stories that were embarrassing. He might have been a priest, but he was still my older brother. I began to doze off to the cadence of their voices, and one of them, though I don't know which, picked Temperance up from my lap. It didn't matter to me which because I knew, between Robert and Alexandra not only was I safe, but Temperance was, too.


	76. Chapter 76

**A/N: Aw. You are all so sweet. I appreciate the reviews and I read them all. They make me feel warm and fuzzy at work which was well needed today. Today's assignments were murder, and the pick me up was well times with each of your reviews. Thanks. And, thanks for giving me over one thousand of those wonderful reviews. I'm impressed by all of you. Hope you continue to enjoy. This story is winding down, though it won't close precisely. I'll let you know the sequel title so you can all keep an eye out for it on the last chapter. :) **

It wasn't until Tuesday afternoon that I saw the physical therapist despite the fact that by Monday night, I was making either the nurses or Alex supervise me while I walked around. I wasn't allowed to do it unsupervised. They were concerned that I might fall. I felt fine aside from being a little sore and in pain, but that was abdominal more than it was my legs or feet, so when I asked why falling was such a concern before the first little trip I made to the bathroom – they were actually surprised I had to pee which I found just as puzzling since they had been cramming me with fluids – I was genuinely interested in the outcome. I had been injured badly in the stomach on multiple occasions. Somehow, a surgery just didn't seem all that bad. Of course, the first time I stepped from the bed, the pain had shot down my legs so suddenly and so completely, that my entire body buckled. Gasping, I had clutched to Alexandra like she was my life line. In the end, that first time, she had wound up carrying me both to the bathroom and then back to bed.

By Tuesday morning, I had mastered a shuffle which still caused some pain but not a lot. I was able to hold on to someone's hand and shuffled over to wherever I needed to go. Usually, it was the wheelchair so I could go outside for some fresh air. I was quickly going stir crazy. My initial demand that no one talk about what was happening at work was coming back to bite my ass because come Tuesday, when I called Olivia and whined about it to her, she had refused to give me any updates that weren't at least somewhat pertinent or useful to my and my daughter's recovery. Olivia had deemed that included the Jensen trial which told me off the bat that something had gone wrong, but no one would explain except to say that he was still in custody I even whined to Alex about it, but she was sided with Olivia. I didn't need the added stress of thinking about work. For three months, I would be work free. David's trial was set for late April, and we weren't set to start reviewing prep until April. I had called Monica and let her know that the baby had been early but was doing okay. She was glad to hear all was well and filled me in a little on the filed motions. She also asked if Alex was around. When I passed the phone off, I lost track of their conversation, but it sounded like Alex had a new job around the time my physical therapist walked in and kicked Alex out.

Jamie was a pleasant woman who was around my age which inherently made me feel a little less embarrassed. It was silly, but with the nurses older than I was, I felt ridiculous parading around half naked and letting them change my dressings. The ones younger than me or my age, though, I was alright with them being in the room. I could not explain the phenomenon except that I was only mildly uncomfortable and so grateful to have help anyway that I didn't complain aloud. I jumped through her hoops with as little grimacing as possible wishing that I could have a stronger pain medication. But, opiates were not allowed unless I wanted to put Temperance on formula, and I did not want to do that. So, I was on Ibuprofen for the pain. And, Temperance, due to her premature state, was being watched even though most NSAIDS were safe while nursing. I was still on my blood thinner, too. Temperance had gotten doses in utero. The doctors weren't overly concerned about her continuing to receive small amounts. Apparently, I was on one of the safest blood thinners to be on. My acid reflux medication and anti-emetic were rendered useless as, after I woke up on Monday, neither seemed to be an issue. I didn't need a prenatal any longer for obvious reasons. All my other wonderful barrage of medicines, I remained firmly on, though a few of them could probably be removed once the symptoms of preeclampsia went away.

"You're going to have to take it easy for the next few weeks no matter where you are, Casey, do you understand that?" Jamie, my physical therapist that day, asked me. I nodded. "Do you have someone willing to stay with you and help you? Because I'm sure the nurses will have medical needs you need attending to as well."

"Emily's staying for a while. How long will depend more on how long I am down for the count than anything. Plus, I have a few friends who are more than happy to stop by and babysit me if Emily needs to go do something. Really, I've got a great support network."

Jamie nodded. "Sounds like it. Well, on my end, while you're here, you'll walk around with me and do some of those stretches and exercises we just did. You can walk around with supervision otherwise, though. You seem to be doing alright. When you get home, make sure you have someone nearby to catch you in case you need it. I'll see you tomorrow morning, if you don't have any questions for me."

"Nope," I said. As she walked out, Alex slipped in, handing me back my phone. "What did Monica want?"

"Help translating on a case from Romanian. We worked out a fee and my ability to do the work with an insurance job as well."

I nodded. "Very nice. Are you looking forward to getting your hands messy in a case again?"

"You have no idea." Alex leaned forward and kissed me. "So, you allowed to walk by yourself?"

"Sort of." I smiled, explaining my therapy to her. I thought it odd that this kind of complication would come from a simply hysterectomy, but then, I had had two surgeries. The first to remove it, and the second hours later for something else, though the doctor had said it was related to the hysterectomy. I simply hadn't asked for specifics yet. I didn't think I would remember them. And, in a way, I didn't want to know. I explained the oddity to Alex then asked, "Do you know what happened?"

Alex nodded. "The doctors explained everything to me. I was trying not to freak you out or over stress you. The key is that you focus on getting better and being with Tee. Later, we can go over your record if you want. Right now, Casey, don't."

I frowned, wondering what it was. But, I took my lover's advice and, for once, just remained blissfully unaware. "Alright, Alex. I will ask a doctor before I leave when I'm discharged, though, okay?" Alex nodded. "Thanks. Hey, have I told you I love you?"

"Not today," Alex murmured, kissing my cheek. "I love you, too."

"I love you more," I teased.

"Not possible," she murmured, standing before me and leaning forward so that her face was level with mine as I sat on the bed, my legs hanging off the end and between hers. Without warning, she licked my cheek, stepping back rapidly.

"Aw. Ew. Gross." I swiped at my cheek. "You licked me."

"Yep." She seemed utterly pleased with herself as she smirked at me. "Oh, hey, I was almost so distracted I forgot. I gave Monica Tee's birth information to add to the custody forms. She said she would file them in the federal docket tomorrow morning. You're still okay with that, right?"

I nodded. "Of course I am, Alex. If the court will allow it, I want you to have legal rights and responsibilities with Tem. There'll be times when she's with you, not me, and her mother needs to be able to make decisions on her behalf to keep her safe. Why? Are you having second thoughts?"

"God, no. You, Casey Elizabet, have made me the happiest woman alive in allowing me to be a mother. There's only one thing I can think of that would make it better." She ventured close to me again, sitting on the bed beside me. I leaned into her. She wrapped her arm around me.

"You should move back to New York. Live with us." I twirled her brown hair between my fingers. "We could be a real family, then."

Alex squeezed me close to her. "Funny, I was just going to ask you to move to Wisconsin with me. I know you've got so much here, Casey, but I can't stay here long without putting you and Tee in danger. I'm just not willing to do that. And, deep down, neither are you. Tee deserves mothers who can be here always, but I cannot be in New York for very long at all. Tem also deserves to be safe in her home. Me being here always jeopardizes that. I know more than you want me here, you want Tee safe."

I looked at my hands as though the answers might be written on them. She caught my chin and forced me to look at her as she kissed me softly. "I love you, Alex. I need you. I don't want you to leave." I wrapped my arms around her, crying.

"Hush, Heart," she whispered, her nails running up and down my back slowly. "I'm not leaving yet. We'll enjoy what time I am here. And, maybe, this time, I can convince you to come home with me. The DA's office out there would be lucky to have you."

I just held on to her, inhaling her scent. "You've gone back to licorice," I noted. It was different from the day prior.

"Mmhm," she hummed, stroking her fingers through my hair. "Do you not like it?"

"I love your scent," I murmured. "It lets me know I'm with someone who loves me." She tipped my face back up to hers, wiping my tears away with her sweatshirt sleeve before she kissed me gently. I was the one who deepened it, pressing up into her, pulling her down into me. Panting to catch my breath made my stomach ache, but I didn't complain as I got to lay down with her, twirling my fingers through her hair.

"I will love you, Casey, for as long as I live. I will protect you and Temperance and give my everything for your safety and happiness."

"I am happy," I murmured. "I am happy because you love me without condition. I am happy because you love Temperance without condition. And, I am happy because I love you without condition."

She kissed me on the nose. "You're too fucking cute for your own good, you know that?"

"I'm adorable."

Alex laughed and cuddled me closer to her, and I lay against her enveloped in her warm scent. "I can't wait to be out of here."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

It was more than a little strange carrying Temperance out of the hospital. Having been sworn to a life in the lap of luxury and lounging around, I had been released as a ward of my lover and my daughter as a ward of her second mother. It was midday Thursday, and I was just glad to be able to go home and lay in my own bed and piss on my own toilet. I swear, the fucked up shit that I miss when I'm in the hospital is the most random stuff ever. I held Tem in my arms as the nurse pushed my wheelchair outside to where Alex had pulled my car up to the curb. The nurses had already checked that the car seat was in correctly, and Alex took the baby from me, buckling her in for her very first car ride.

Temperance had still not quite found her voice box, so she flailed a little as Alex buckled her, but she didn't cry. In the infant carrier, she looked so tiny it almost made me cry. If I had been a little less reckless, none of this would have happened. I should have kept my head low and listened to medical advice. Instead, I had challenged this the entire way, and now I was watching my daughter suffer. I chewed at my lip with a sigh. Temperance would be my only child by birth, too, because of it. I didn't know if I wanted any biological children prior to my pregnancy, but I was now limited to the one. If Alex and I decided to have more children, I would not be carrying them.

My surgery had subtracted several of my medications, but it had also added another one. Since I no longer had the means to produce estrogen naturally, I had a little artificial means of getting it into my body daily. This was turning out to be a Hell of an expensive relationship with David. Worth it only because it had given me my daughter and my girlfriend. Knowing both of them, I would suffer the physical and emotional assaults again.

I squealed in surprise as Alex picked me up out of the wheelchair and set me down in the back seat beside Tem. She brushed my hair out of my face and kissed my nose. "Let's get you both home and in bed."

"Only if we can stop and order pizza on the way home and watch sappy ass movies," I bargained.

Alex smiled. "You're such a princess."

"I'm your princess." I wrapped my arms around her neck and kissed her.

"Mm. Yes, you are."

The last time I had been in the back seat of the coupé, it had been tangled with Alex, a federal agent having too much fun at the wheel. That had been more comfortable than with the baby seat, but I twisted myself up so that I could see her as Alex drove. It was such a strange turn in my life, something I had not expected. I was a career driven woman. A family had not been on my to do list. I mean, I always figured I would eventually settle down with the right guy and we would have kids. I just never figured the right guy would be a woman or that the child in question would come when I was so young.

We picked up pizza, and by that I mean, Alex ran in, placed the order and then we sat in the car talking while they made it fresh. By the time we pulled into the parking garage at my apartment, I was grinding like crazy, and Alex's soft smile was permanently etched on her lips. I don't remember what was sad to make her smile like that, but I knew it felt good to make her smile.

"Leave the carrier," I said as Alex pulled into my parking spot. "The only time it'll be used is driving around. In the house, she has the basket, and for everywhere else, I have the sling. My goal is to use that as little as possible. It's cute, but it's too bulky to be practical anywhere outside of the car."

Nodding, Alex came around and let me out of the car considering that I was trapped by the front seat. "Whatever works for you, Casey." I smiled as I stood. It still hurt, but three days of rest had helped me heal better than if I had been left to my own devices.

I watched as Alex plucked the baby from her seat and cradled her against her chest. "Hey, sweetie, you're home now. Safe and sound." I stroked Team's hair, a light fuzz atop her head of dark, curly brown. It wasn't really enough to call hair, and the nurse had said it would likely fall out and grow in again, perhaps a different color or texture. Over the past two days, she had lost most of her redness, and her skin had taken on a cocoa hue a little like Olivia's Mediterranean tones with an emphasis on the color of Swiss Miss hot chocolate before adding milk. No one had mentioned that, and I pretended not to notice. The knowledge wouldn't change anything. Tem was still my daughter. I was still her mother.

"I'm not in the least bit sure how to handle this. I guess we're winging it."

The dyed brunette leaned over and kissed my check, careful to neither harm the baby or me. "We'll do fine. I have every instance of faith in you."

"That makes one of us," I muttered. I followed Alex to the elevator and up to the apartment. New York living at its finest with security galore. Swiping my card, I opted to go straight to our floor. The guards would all want to see the baby, I knew, but I didn't particularly feel up to talking to anyone. Really, I just wanted to snuggle with Alex in a real bed and watch movies.

I set the pizza box down on a tray and proceeded to carry the tray into my bedroom where Alex was attempting to lay Temperance in the Moses basket set up on its rocker by the bed. I smiled. She must have done that when I sent her home because the rocker was brand new, and the basket had still been in the baby's room when I had left for work a week prior. "Put her down, Alex," I said with a smile as I wrapped my arms around her. "She'll still be here when the movie's over. Hell, she'll probably want to cuddle before the movie is over. But, if you get her so attached to being held that nothing we do will have her content unless she's in our arms, I might have to scream." I trailed a line of kisses along Alex's neck as I looked over her shoulder at our baby. Temperance seemed to have no idea what was going on. She was peacefully asleep, a little spit bubble at her mouth telling me she was well and truly out.

"I know," Alex said with a pout. "But, she's just so precious. I never imagined this, Casey, not in my entire life. She's so beautiful."

"Yea," I murmured. "She turned out alright, huh?" I stroked a finger along her cheek. She was still thin, but she was filling out fast. It seemed that everything she ate went to making her look more and more like a chunky little new born. The goal was that, by April, that was exactly what she would look like. "Now, put her down before she becomes a miniature extension of you."

Alex laughed, kissing Tem before setting her in the Moses basket. I hugged my arms around her for a few moments as we just stared at her. My brain still hadn't fully wrapped itself around the idea that there was a miniature human living with me. Consciously, I knew. Subconsciously, I think I was just startled. My base instincts were okay with the offspring. It was how those instincts worked. But, that level between knowing Tem was offspring and knowing she was my daughter was in shock. Somewhere between instinct and thought, I was a deer caught in the headlights. "I love you, Baby," Alex murmured. "Sleep well."

For several moments, we stared down at her sleeping in silence. It was strange, terrifying, and wonderful all at once. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I had found that I was filled with nervous energy about being a mother. Ultimately, it was a good thing, I thought. But, that didn't seem to stop me from being terrified. Mostly, I was afraid to do it wrong, that I wouldn't be the best mother for her or that she would hate me. "It's so strange," I whispered to Alex, "that I can't feel her move inside me any more. I wake up in the night because she's not there to move around now rather than because she's moving too much."

Smiling, Alex kissed me. "You're such a mom, Casey," she said.

I just shook my head and pulled her onto the bed with me, arranging the pillows for our picnic and turning on the television, picking a movie off the On Demand channels. "New or old?" I asked.

"New," she said. "I haven't seen a lot of the movies this year. I heard Bruce Almighty is pretty funny. Or Dogville. Not funny, but you might like it. It's about a woman on the run from the mob."

"Oh, now, that sounds familiar." I rolled my eyes. "What about Out of Time?"

"No. No cop stories."

"Oh, so, no ridiculous, probably highly inaccurate stories about policemen, but women running from the mob is okay?"

Alex snickered, reaching over to the pizza and pulling the tray between us. "What about Seabiscuit?"

"Alright," I agreed, hitting select and settling back to watch the movie. Three months of nothing but family bonding was okay by me. I was going to go nuts if we had to stay inside, but Alex's brown hair meant we could probably get outside more often. We would just have to be careful with whom we spoke. None of her friends, none of mine. Probably nothing big in the city. Just little things, quiet things. Personally, I was looking forward to spending some time at a coffee shop, wandering around the parks and museums, and exploring the city just to explore it. Light, easy stuff that wouldn't interrupt my own abdominal healing and wouldn't over stimulate Temperance. We had been cautioned to take things light with her as far as outings went. And, having forced her to pay the price of my reckless behavior, I decided that, for once, I was going to start listening.


	77. Chapter 77

I stretched out on the couch, examining my stomach. The stitches had dissolved and what was left behind was a scar that actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was. There was a point where the scar zigged and zagged, but it was straight for the most part. It did make me wonder what kind of hiccup they had run into that made them have to cut at an angle part way through the incision, but I didn't ask. I didn't wonder enough. I was just happy to be healing so nicely.

"Not bad looking," Olivia said as she handed me a cup of hot chocolate. Alex had decided she needed to run errands that day, so I had called the detective and asked her to come babysit me. In all technicality, I was fine to get around on my own and function on my own. I just hadn't been alone with the baby, and that scared me. Even by the tenth of February, she wasn't very demanding. I still had never heard her cry, though she had started whining mildly if she wanted something. It was a whine I could no longer sleep through, though the first few days of her whining, it was Alex who had to wake me up to let me know that someone was hungry.

I took the cup and held it against me. "Yea. It's not too horrible. Thanks." Swinging my legs over the couch, I made room for her to sit down. She did with a sigh, and I looked at her. "Tough case?"

"Nope. And, no work talk for you."

"Come on, Liv," I whined.

The detective laughed. "I see where Temperance gets it from. You're a whiny one yourself."

Pouting, I punched her. She punched me back immediately. Olivia was like me. She was a woman who was just one of the boys. I smiled, falling into a fit of laughter. "I needed a sister like you growing up," I said with a laugh.

"Speaking of growing up, did your dad come by?"

Biting my lip, I shook my head. "No, but he called. He's coming down on Saturday. Mom's staying behind. He says she's not ready to talk to me."

With a frown, Olivia stroked my hair. "Do you think she'll come around?"

"I doubt it. But, my brothers and I are talking again, even if it's only by phone. Most of them live upstate or out of state, so I haven't seen them. Frankie's flying in in March, though, to see Temperance."

"That's good, Case. I'm glad they're all coming around. She's such a sweet kid."

I shrugged. I hadn't really explained to her the whole Alex thing, and I didn't want to get myself into a position where I had to back track. "They're family. She's family. I already made it clear that there will be no hate directed to her, or I'd cut off communication between her and them until they could be nice. She didn't ask for this, and neither did I. But, it happened, and I've told my entire family that they need to accept that."

Olivia shifted on the couch and looked at me, small smile on her face. "You know what? I'm proud of you. I really am. It took a lot for you to stand up to your family, huh?"

I flushed. "I was raised to stand up for family, Olivia. Temperance more than anyone is my family. I'll stand up for her before my parents and siblings before I'll let them damage her emotionally. For the most part, though, they seem to be getting through it. I don't think it's the baby they were most shocked by, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"In all of this, it kind of came out that I have a soft spot for women."

Olivia nodded. "You know, I had a question about that."

"Okay?" I said, my words hesitant and unsure. I didn't know where she was going specifically, but if she had to preface it like that, it couldn't be anywhere good.

"Were you dating Alex at the same time you were with David?"

Leaning forward, I set my cup down. I ran my hands through my newly bleached hair and leaned back with a long, slow sigh. "Be careful, Olivia. What is said cannot be stricken off the record. Not really. It's still said, no matter what. And, if the answer isn't the one we're looking for, then we just wind up far more hurt than anything."

I watched Olivia fight the tears forming in her eyes and win. She was so closed down when it came to Alex, and I could understand why. I didn't know what I would do if I knew that I could never see or talk to Alex again but that she was out there, somewhere, doing something probably fantastic. "She always was flighty."

"I imagine she just didn't want you to get hurt. Physically, I mean. Emotional hurt, it's destructive. It hurts. But, physical hurt is so much harder to forgive." I closed my eyes. The last almost month I had spent in domestic bliss with Alexandra had taught me that. It taught me that at the end of all of this, I was going to have to let her go. I was going to need to be able to let her go back to Wisconsin, to assume another identity, to sleep in another bed. It was going to kill me emotionally, but she was right, her staying might kill me literally. Until Liam Connors and Zapata were behind bars, or, better, dead, she was a risk to have around. If someone recognized her, if the wrong person recognized her, I was toast. Temperance was toast. What better hostage than a baby?

That, and I really just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more to all of it, anyway. "I know it's not a real answer, Olivia, but do you want the real one?" I opened my eyes and looked at her.

"I'm pretty sure I already have the answer, but I appreciate you looking out for my emotional well being. Sometimes, it's just better not to know, not to be able to swear to something under oath."

I nodded slowly. I got what she was hinting at, and I understood. "Olivia, I just don't have answers for you to any of the questions. In truth, I just don't. I wish I did." I chewed my lip. This was so not a conversation I was ready to have. "Ask me again in another six months to a year, Liv, when I've got some answers to my questions."

The detective sighed as she leaned back. "I'll be honest, Casey, by then, I don't think it'll matter. When is Emily planning on being home?"

"I can have her come now. I'm sorry, Olivia, I didn't want to upset you."

She shook her head. "I'm not upset. I was going to take you and Temperance out to lunch. But if you already had plans, I don't want to spoil them."

"Oh. No. Lunch with you would be fantastic. But, my treat for not leaving me alone with a baby."

Olivia raised her brow. "Is there a particular reason for that?" she asked me.

I shook my head. "I'm just worried."

"Still about being a good mom?" I nodded. "Casey, so far, you've been a great mom. I'm sure Tem appreciates you deeply. You've got this, kid."

I smiled faintly. A little more than three weeks old, and Tem was an easy kid. My fear didn't stem from not being capable of caring for her, but from not being willing. Either I was very good at hiding it or everyone else was really good at ignoring it, but I was teetering on the edge I feared I would once she was born. While it was clear that Tem was mostly Caucasian, and, honestly, I could probably call her Caucasian and people wouldn't notice, she was also clearly multiracial. Knowing each of my assailants, I knew which one fathered her. She was darker than me. She was only slightly darker than Olivia. But, she was also darker than Andy, David, and Tommy Lee. She was lighter than Jesse, and even though I loved her and wanted her and had very little problem actually caring for her, I had experienced flashbacks touching her that I likely would not have experienced I'd I hadn't touched her.

So far, I had managed to keep any full on panic attacks at bay, but I was afraid that one of these times, I wouldn't be able to stop it. I was afraid that I would be sucked so deeply onto my memory that I wouldn't be able to fight my way out and it would be hours before I was able to uncurl myself from my fear. In that amount of time, I was worried about Tem. At my worst, I had huddled in the shower for hours, even after the water ran cold and then hot and then cold again. To the exclusion of all else, even Tem, I could disappear into my mind. I could vanish mentally and have no recollection of my actions. If my actions in any way hurt my daughter, I would never forgive myself. Maybe that made me a better mother than I thought I was because I knew enough to know I couldn't be trusted, but that still didn't make me a good mom.

Olivia watched me. "Why don't I get Temperance ready while you put on something other than pajamas. Unless you're going to lunch in pajamas."

I smiled. Maybe it was obvious and they were all just subtle at taking care of me and my problems. "Tempting, but no. Thank you."

In my room, I changed to a pair of yoga pants, a tank top, and a zip up hoodie. All comfort clothes and all very easy to move when Tem decided it was her lunch time, too. "You know I'm not putting a bow on her forehead, right?" Olivia called from the baby's room.

"Why not?" I called back, teasing. Combing my hair through with my fingers, I made my way to Temperance's room and leaned on the doorway. Olivia had Tem laid on the changing table in a pink and green pants and onsie get up, her hand on the baby's stomach while she bent down to leaf through a drawer of hair clips and bands.

Olivia held up a giant sun flower head band. "Really?"

"That one wasn't my pick," I said. "It was a gift to me from my sister in law, Jen." I picked up a little white bow and held it out. "Here. If you want to bedeck her, you can. But, really she doesn't need it." I pointed to to pink onsie. "It's hard to mistake her for a boy in that."

"It's hard to mistake her for a boy." Olivia smiled at me, clearly amused.

"Yea, yea," I groaned, pulling the baby sling out of the closet and fitting it over my chest. Once it was on, I picked Tem up. "Come on, Baby. We're gonna go for a walk with Auntie Liv." Personally, I was loving being allowed to go walking again. I was completely off my blood pressure medication and on a lower dose of steroids for my heart. Blood thinners were still an annoying morning injection, but I had managed to teach Alex how to administer the medication, too. She had asked. It made it kind of amusing in the mornings, too, because she would ask an array of EMT questions as she came up with them.

"Alright. What sounds good?" I grabbed the house keys and sent a quick text message to Alex to let her know Olivia and I were going to get lunch. I also invited her to come along. I mentioned to Alex that Olivia was well aware that I was in love with her, and I could tell the detective was having a difficult time with trying to confirm that I knew she was alive versus telling me the same.

Alex's response back was that she didn't know how she would handle it. I could do little else besides tell her that I understood but felt that it would be better for both women in the long run. I didn't get a response to that particular message. It made me wonder. I didn't want to upset Alex, but I truly did think that both women would be happier with some kind of communication. That aside, Alex and I were setting up through the Marshal's office some kind of secured Skype or something so that when Alex went back to Wisconsin, she could still see the baby every day. Olivia could talk to Alex through that.

My concern was that I could see that Alex was having an increasingly difficult time leaving New York every time she had to leave. I wasn't the only one who was sad she had to go back to Wisconsin, but Alex was sad because it wasn't just me and Tem she was leaving in the city, it was her life, everything she had worked for before Connors had taken it all away from her. Everyday, I wanted to apologize for bringing her back to this place, for making her drag herself through the memories every fucking time. Maybe it was time for a change for me. She had sacrificed so much for me. She had damn near sacrificed everything. I could still work as a prosecutor or even as a public defender if the DA wasn't hiring. It wouldn't be that bad. I loved my SVU family, but that wasn't what was keeping me planted in New York.

I knew what worried me. What worried me was her being Emily and me being Casey and someone recognizing her or she needed to be moved again for whatever reason, and then I would have to move with Temperance again. I would be torn again and again from my work, and Temperance from her school. I wanted Alex to be safe, but I didn't know that I could change my name and be someone I wasn't. I didn't know I could ask that of my daughter, either. Everything might be fine until she was three, and, then, something might go wrong. I would have to change her name at such a tender age, and she wouldn't know what was going on. She wouldn't know how to lie, either. She'd still tell people who she was as she knew herself, where she had come from, and what she knew had happened if she were asked. Why? Because, that was the nature of children. Young children simply did not lie.

Consequentially, that would put Alex in danger again, and we would have to move. It wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to Temperance. Even if nothing bad ever happened, the possibility that it could would hang over us like a hatchet. Could I live the rest of my life like that? Even if it were just a few years, I didn't know if I could do it. It hurt my brain to think about it, but worse, it hurt my heart.

Shaking my head of those thoughts, I locked the door behind us, baby bag slung over my shoulder. I felt a tug at the zipper or my hoodie and looked down. Tem was trying to get inside my shirt. I swear if I let her, the kid would do nothing but eat all day. She was definitely my kid. As a child, I could match my brothers in food consumption. It has really only stopped as things became more and more stressful at home. Only then had my appetite diminished, though now, it was returning full force.

"Hey. It's been three weeks. Can you at least tell me how Jensen's sentencing hearing went?"

"He was sentenced to fifteen years SOISP," Olivia said as she bit her lip. "Casey-"

I froze. Sex Offender Intensive Supervision Program. He was on probation for fifteen years. I had to put my hand on the wall to stop myself from collapsing and injuring Tem. Thank God she was Jesse's DNA match. No judge would give Jesse anything based on the copy of the recording Monica had given me from my kidnapping. Tommy Lee, I feared would be more likely than Jesse to try to play emotionally. Jesse was physically hurtful. Tommy Lee would leave indentations into my personal life that would last so long as I was a mother. At least I could cover the scars Jesse left.

Panting I did everything in my power to not throw up. "Before you say anything else, I need to go outside."

Olivia nodded, and she held me against her until we were outside ands I could sit on the bench by the apartment doors, sucking in air. "What happened, why so lenient a sentence?"

"Defense argued for outpatient therapy and intensive supervision for a military vet. I think it was the vet part that sold the judge. Part of his probation conditions are that he attend five hours a week each of anger management therapy and sex offender therapy. He'll get three visits from probation a week. He's also on a monitor for at least a year, longer depending on probation. It's not perfect, but he was convicted."

My chest hurt. It was mixed news. The likelihood of him coming after me for prosecuting him and for the sheer joy of it was slim, but if he wanted to do it, nothing was actually stopping him from doing so. More than anything, that had me breathing fast. I could feel Tem wiggling in frustration at my sudden rapid heart rate and high anxiety. I laid a shaking hand on her to help settle her down, but it was largely useless, and I wound up having to proper her against my shoulder in an effort not to squish her. "No, no, no, no, no," I sobbed, my body wrapping instinctively around Tem as I tried to get small and disappear. "He can't be free. He can't, Olivia. He'll just do it to more women."

The detective crouched in front of me, her hand on my knee. "Casey, honey, first, you need to either relax or give me Temperance." The baby was pressed against my chest, and though I was supporting her head with one hand, I realized that my other hand was pressing her so tightly against me that it hurt me; it had to be hurting her. Nodding, I let Olivia take my baby carefully in her arms. Instantly, I wrapped my arms around myself and dug my nails into the soft fabric of the sweatshirt, the material not quite thick enough to block the sensation of pressure that should have been pain. My knees curled to my chest, and I screamed.

I screamed loud enough that Danielle came running out of the apartment complex, her hand already on her gun. I barely recognized her as Olivia told her something I couldn't hear over the sound of my screaming. I stopped screaming, my world going black. I didn't pass out, but I had managed to stress myself to the point where I was so checked out that I was no longer visually aware of reality. Something cool touched my forehead, and hands maneuvered me into laying down on the bench. "Casey, calm down, kid. Take a deep breath."

Whatever was on my forehead was wet, and I could feel the water gliding down my cheeks. Someone began blotching at my face and neck with the paper towel nor cloth until I blinked rapidly. "There you go, focus on breathing."

Swatting the hand away with the paper towel , I sat up, the water running down my front, icy in the cool February air. "Okay. You're safe, Casey. Do you trust me?" I looked at the detective and nodded, gulping down a couple of breaths before reaching out to take Temperance from her.

"Mommy's sorry, Baby," I whispered as I cradled her to me rocking her slightly. I was so stupid to have asked. If the information wasn't being willingly provided to me, in should have known that the news was anything but good. Still, I had been foolish enough to ask. Perhaps I was too cocky. "Who argued sentencing?"

"It doesn't matter, Casey. What's done is done. You are safe, though, kid."

"What did Candace say?"

Olivia bit her lip. "She was grateful for the conviction. She asked me to tell you thank you and to wish you a speedy recovery." The detective sat beside me in silence for several seconds. "Come on, Case. Let's go for a walk."

Pushing my tears from my face, I nodded. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right, Casey. We all take out our frustration a little differently. Elliot bloodied his knuckles once punching a wall." I smiled. Elliot would. "Son of a bitch deserved time behind bars, but you still got the conviction, Casey. You took back a lot of your power, too. And, you know what; he can't hurt you now. Last year, you may have been easy prey for a bastard like Jensen. This year, you're strong and a fighter through and through." She looked at me like she had a sudden idea. "Do you know how to shot?'

I nodded. "I have a permit from the sheriff and a gun. My family is all military. I grew up shooting."

"Would you feel safer carrying concealed? At least, when you're not at work?"

I shrugged. It wasn't a question I could answer. I may have been pro death penalty, but I didn't know if I could shoot someone threatening me. To me, there was a difference between the threat of action and action even though there was enough reason to believe that someone would follow through on their threat of action. Still, I was terrified I would freeze and my own firearm would be taken from me and used against me. Considering my mental state, it wasn't unreasonable to think that would happen.


	78. Chapter 78

**A/N: Some feels for you. I'm sorry about Jensen. I've been doing some data mining through the office, though, for an assignment I'm on, and I've noticed a huge trend in the jurisdiction I work for and the surround jurisdictions - there are a lot of rapists who got probation as a sentence. I don't know how that trend reflects nationally or even internationally, but it did make me stop and think. ANYWAY! What loose ends do you see that you want tied up? I may or may not tie them up for you, and for several of them, I do already have plans since you've all so kindly offered to read a sequel. But, I'm curious what you might be seeing that I missed or I forgot about. I'll hint for you. The locket will be a loose end tied up in the sequel. The marriage issue you are all 'fangirling' over will be addressed in the sequel as well. **

I made Olivia stay quiet for the first few blocks that we walked, and she did. It took a few minutes for me to clear my head. I had to remember, this wasn't about me. This was about Candace as well. Jensen had only gone down for her rape, and I had thought I had done a pretty good job making sure it was clear that he was a violent predator, but some of the older judges, I had noticed, tended to be lenient towards first time rapists. The trial judge would not have been the sentencing judge. Donnelly, I knew, knew better. Liz knew far better. She would have put him behind bars. Still, the downside of being prosecution was that I couldn't appeal the sentence. I had to be satisfied with the guilty, but that wasn't enough this time. This time, I needed more. It was about time to call my therapist and let her know that I was in the middle of a long term break down and was falling apart one tiny piece at a time.

Finally, I opened my mouth. "I can't do this."

"What, exactly?" Olivia asked, her hands stuffed into her pockets as she stopped and faced me.

Rubbing my arms, I touched Tem's head. "Everything changed about my life, Olivia, and I don't think I can keep prosecuting. I know the Jensen case was really close to home and rather recent, but with Temperance around now, I just don't know how much more evil I can face in this world."

"It'll be there whether or not you prosecute it. The evil doesn't just go away."

I shook my head. "I know. I met David, not through work, but through my own personal choices." Talk about sheer evil. As a child, he may have been a good kid, but at some point, he had been twisted, and he chose to stay that way. "I don't know how to protect her, to protect me."

"Look, Casey, you've got to do what's right for you and your family, but I know from experience that pretending the evil isn't out there doesn't work. You'll still see it, better than most because you know what to look for. Those nightmares won't go away. They keep coming back. But, if you have to leave, I understand, and you have my best wishes in your future endeavors. Why don't you use your maternity leave to do some soul searching. If at the end of your leave, you need a new career, then go after it full force. If you decide to stay, well, that court house isn't going anywhere."

Wrapping my arms around my baby, I rocked back on my heels, holding her to me. "You know, I never thought I would say I might not want to prosecute. There was a time in my life that I thought the only thing I wanted was to prosecute. I was willing to marry my job. And, now, I'm a mom, and something changed inside me." I shook my head. "I don't know. I just don't fucking know."

"Why don't you talk to some of the other mom's at the office and see how they handle it."

I sighed. "Every other mom at the office is married and they conceived out of -" I stopped talking and looked down at my daughter, her little amber eyes blinking up at me. I pressed my lips together. "You know, when I was pregnant, I prayed that she would have my eyes. Everything else could be his, but I wanted her to have my eyes so I didn't have to ever look at his eyes again." I ran my finger over her cheek, traced her lips. She latched on immediately to my finger, sucking hard. "I know, Angel. You're always hungry."

In silence, I stared at Temperance until the silence had a weight. "I'm sorry, Olivia."

"It's okay. I think my mother experienced the same kinds of thoughts."

Shame sank into my body as I shook. "I am sorry. I know she doesn't deserve my judgment. She doesn't get to pick which genetic markers that she has and which she doesn't. You didn't deserve your mother's judgment, either."

"Are you judging her? Or are you judging yourself?" Olivia asked as she shifted her weight.

Biting my lip, I walked back toward the apartment. "It's not her fault."

"It's not yours, either, sweetie." Olivia caught up to me in a few short steps, her hand on my arm. "Don't blame yourself for any of this, Casey. You didn't do this. You didn't make them rape you."

"I know. I know the rules and the game and the everything. I know how it works, but that doesn't mean I believe it completely." I put my hand to my forehead. "I thought this would get easier when she was born, when I could see that she was just a baby, not someone or something to be feared."

The detective curled my hair over my ear. "Casey, stop for just a second. Honey, it's okay to be afraid. It's okay to be confused. Please don't tell me you're running from yourself."

"Myself, him, them, all of this. All of this, Olivia. I want to run from all of this. I want to stop everything and go back to where I was before all of this, before David-" I stopped and held Temperance close to me, pulling her out of the sling to hold her against my shoulder. She fit perfectly. It was like I was made to be her mother, and she was made to be my daughter. "I'm so conflicted, Olivia. I love Temperance, I wouldn't trade her for anything or anyone. Being raped was what gave me her. I wish I weren't – I wish that hadn't happened to me, but how can I wish that if I want to be her mother, too?"

Temperance whined in my arms as I bounced her. "I know, baby. I'm sorry. Mommy'll feed you soon. I promise." I shifted her to my other shoulder. My chest was sore which let me know she had good cause to whine at me.

"You know, my mother put me on the bottle the moment I was born. She couldn't stand the thought of his child touching her. You've been fighting to bond with her since the first moment you knew she was here. In your heart, you don't recognize her as being his. She's yours. Yours and Alex's, Casey."

"Alex?"

"You named her after Alex, Casey. Lexine? Alexandra? Lex and lex. Kind of gives it away. Did you two talk about having kids?"

I shook my head. "It never came up." And, she knew I was pregnant before we started dating, but I didn't say that. I chewed the inside of my lip.

Olivia smiled softly. "You two would have been great together as parents."

Rubbing my fingers up and down Temperance's spin, I sighed. My lip slid between my teeth as I looked over to my daughter. "Could you see Alex as a mother?" I asked.

She shook her head, laughing. "Good God. Alex would be something different of a mother, that's for sure." She touched Tem's cheek earning a mouth over her knuckle as her reward. "You, Temperance, would be spoiled rotten."

I laughed. "You saw another side to her, huh?"

"I knew it was there. She never really completely let her walls down around me, Casey. I mean, shit, she didn't tell me she was lesbian. But, I knew it was there, hiding deep down. I only wish I could have brought it out, seen her just be Alex, not a Cabot, just Alex."

"She makes a good just Alex, you know," I murmured. "I'm sorry. I forget that it isn't just me trying to make this city the same without her."

"It's not. Some people make a place special. Alex certainly had that charm here."

I smiled. "She'll have that charm wherever she ends up."

"You believe in heaven, right?" Olivia asked. I nodded. "Think she could charm her way in there?"

"If any lawyer could do it, she could."

Olivia laughed. "I can't believe you said that."

"People who lie for a living don't get into heaven," I answered.

"You don't lie for a living, Casey."

"Oh? So telling a judge that I didn't know Jensen before I opted to prosecute him isn't a lie?"

"Okay, okay. You don't lie for the wrong reasons."

I bit my tongue. "If I could take the high road on that, I might say that the wrong thing done for the right reason is still the wrong thing, but I prosecuted my rapist. I don't have a lot of moral high ground to stand on."

"You have plenty of moral ground to stand on as far as I can tell." She took my baby bag from my shoulder and dug the swipe key for the apartment out. "And, you're not getting out of lunch, by the way. I'm ordering something in."

I nodded. "Alright." I unlocked and opened the door to the apartment. "Em? You here?" I had no idea if Alex had returned to the apartment with us gone expecting that we would be out to lunch for a while as opposed to the hour we had vacated the apartment. Silence met my ears, and I went to the baby's room, putting the sling away and grabbing a clean diaper and wipes. This was becoming so much a daily routine for me that I barely thought about it any more as I busied about taking care of my kid. It was only when I thought about her being mine that I freaked out.

As Olivia ordered take out, I curled on the couch with a hungry infant firmly attached to me. "You know, I needed this today. Just to talk to you, to vent. I'm sorry if I offended you, though."

"You didn't, honey. I don't know what my mom went through, but I do know I loved her. She did her best, even if there was abuse. And, you know, I know you'll be a better mother than she was, too. You won't hurt Tem."

"Sweetie, I don't think your mother meant to hurt you, either. That's what scares me. I love her. I don't want to hurt her. But, what if I still do?"

She smiled. "Then, you call me and I take her for a couple of hours while you cool off. You have the support you need, Casey, and you call any time, day or night. If not me, call Elliot, call Fin, call Munch. Hell, wake Cragen's ass up. You know how much he would love to come watch a little girl for a few hours? He'd never admit to it, but I bet it would just about make his day to babysit for you."

I shook my head, smiling. "Yea, what did you call him? Grandpa Don?"

Olivia flushed. "Yea. I've gotten crap from him about that already. Still, he secretly enjoys it."

"Uh huh. I'm sure." I rolled my eyes. "But, really, thanks. I don't know where I'd be without all of you."

"Back in white collar."

"Is it strange that I don't miss it any more?" I asked. "All I wanted at first was to go back to money laundering and investment fraud cases. But, then, this all became important, and not just because I was raped."

Olivia sat down on the couch beside me. "Oh?"

I shrugged. "I feel like I'm doing something, Liv, that's actually worth while. Maybe I won't be doing it much longer, but it has been one of the best career experiences I've had. Not to mention personal ones,"

"Somehow," the detective murmured, "I just don't think you're going to be leaving prosecution even if you leave the city."

"Oh? You don't think so, eh?"

"Naw. You're perfect for the job, and the job is perfect for you. Some things in life are just meant to be. At a young age, Casey, you've experienced a lot, but I think the reward for you is that some of those destined things, you already have them."

"Like Tem?"

"Like a family of your own, including Tem. Like the perfect job. Like people who care about you no matter what."

Like a secret like an anvil hanging low above my head? I didn't say that, but I thought about it. Instead, I just smiled at the older woman I had come to view as my big sister.

Leaning over to the diaper bag, I grabbed the little burp cloth and slung it on my shoulder, ever amazed at how tiny baby stuff was.

"Oh, can I?"

"You wanna burp her?" Olivia nodded. "Alright." I handed over the cloth and the baby, putting myself back together as Olivia did the whole burping thing. Tem let out a little belch, and I rolled my eyes. "Yep, she's mine."

Olivia laughed. I leaned back against the arm of the couch, legs a tucked under me. "She's precious, Case."

"Right, well, she could use some cuddle time with her aunt if you'll allow me to take a shower?"

"Take a bath, lady. I've got this covered out here."

Stretching, I stood up, handing Olivia fifty bucks from the baby bag. "For lunch," I said. "And, thank you. I really do appreciate the help."

"Like I said, any time."

"You're too perfect, Detective. Why aren't you married?"

Olivia chuckled. "I am. To my job. I even have children." I rolled my eyes. "Four of them."

"Hey," I exclaimed, mock hurt. "Not fair."

"Don't tell the others, but you're my favorite."

"Mmhm. You hear that, Tem? That's Grandma Liv now." My daughter's answer was a sleepy yawn and a tremor of her arms within the blankets. "Bah. Fine. Go to sleep. I'll remember this. Someday, you'll want help dealing with the woman, and I'll remember that you went to sleep in her arms instead of siding with Mommy."

"Don't listen to her, Baby. You'll never need help dealing with me. Just you remember, if Mommy ever says no, you come ask Auntie." Squinting my eyes and pursuing my lips, I pointed at Olivia, growling under my breath. "See? Auntie will get away with it, too."

"I'm being ganged up on. You, Fin, Munch, Elliot, Emily, Jen, all conspiring to spoil my kid."

"Only as much as she deserves to be." I raised my brows. "Oooh, you are so screwed. Tem's gonna be a princess if Fin gets to her." She tickled Tem's tummy, the baby wiggling. "Yes, you are going to be so spoiled. Mommy's gonna be so mad because no one will ever be able to say no to your beautiful face."

"I think bad influence time with Livvy is about over, Temperance. Come here, let's put you down in the crib for this one."

"Aw. Just when we were getting to the good stuff." Liv handed her back to be with a small smile, and I cradled her in my arms. Her weight instantly felt right, and it lifted a burden from me in wondering whether or not she was okay. When she was with Olivia, I knew even if I wasn't around that she would be just fine, but that little part of my brain that would not quiet down unless I could touch her still nagged like a white noise.

"I'm going to shower," I said. "I apologize, but I really need one."

"Take a long one, Casey. I'll put the food in the oven until you're done."

I nodded. "Thanks." I spent the next forty five minutes doing exactly what Olivia suggested, standing under the warm water as it poured over my body and down the drain. I tried to mentally send all the negativity I was feeling - my counselor was a spiritualist, and I really didn't mind it - down the drain with the water. From a psychological standpoint, the imagery actually made sense. I didn't quite know what to think about that, but it seemed to work in short bursts for short periods of time which was better than what I was doing. Needless to say, I went with it. And, when I stepped back out of the shower, my muscles were considerably more relaxed and my skin felt warm and good rather than cold and stiff.

I took my time drying off and dressing, and by the time I made it back to the living room, Olivia was laying on the floor with Temperance, several of Tem's toys strewn about her, a plushie in Olivia's hand that she was marching down Tem's stomach as she hummed a tune I wasn't familiar with. Quietly, I crept up behind her and just watched her interact with the baby. She was a natural with kids, and I had seen that more than once, but to see her with my kid was really heart warming.

She looked up at me, appearing somewhat surprised to see me so close to her. I grinned, unable to help myself. "I'm sorry for startling you, Liv. I just wanted to watch for a little bit. You're amazing."


	79. Chapter 79

**A/N: Yes, Liv does know Alex is alive and in WPP. so does Elliot. Casey knows Liv knows, too. Liv very strongly suspects Casey knows. She also very strongly suspects that Casey and Alex have kept contact. She doesn't know Casey did not meet Alex until after Alex was in WPP. She believes the two were dating long before Alex was shot and 'killed.' Casey hasn't exactly been clear on that one in part because Alex has asked her not to tell the detectives what it going on. Vamp-princess, I hope that answers your question. :-). **

It wasn't until the first Saturday in March that my therapist met Tem despite me going weekly after being released from the hospital. Usually, Alex watched her. The last appointment though, I had finally gotten around to telling my therapist what I had told Olivia about being afraid to hurt my daughter because I was having such a difficult time with the rape, particularly her biological donor's participation therein. She had wanted me to bring Temperance so that she could see my interaction with her and possibly help me work on ways to get through my fears and/or keep Temperance safe from me if I did have a flash back and lose control over my actions.

So it was that my therapy session began on the floor of the room, one of the blankets from Tem's crib laid on the floor between my legs, and the baby laying on her back as I tickled her nose with a lamb puppet Munch had given me when he stopped by the day before to check on me and visit. At six weeks, Temperance had already caught up to the newborn stage which actually put her about four weeks ahead of development. She was still generally quiet, more of a silent observer than a talker, and she wouldn't request her needs be met which meant that I had an alarm set for every two hours on my phone and had to check her regularly. Only if she was well and truly hungry, as in it was even starting to hurt me, would she whine. Her pediatrician wanted to keep a sharp eye on that kind of behavior because it was abnormal. Not yet concerning, he had cautioned, but unusual.

"And, the little lamb bounced over the green hills, racing away from the trickster wolf." I made the lamb bounce over Tem's stomach and up to her nose, making kissing sounds at each of her cheeks. I had begun telling Temperance stories in the hospital, some that I knew, some that I made up on the spot. Alex would join every so often and either sit through one of my tales or add her own comments here and there. As it was, waiting for my therapist to get her coffee - I had been a little early - I had taken to telling Temperance a Casey-made story about a lamb conned into leaving the valley and going into the woods where the wolf intended to eat the lamb but the lamb outsmarted the wolf. Typical children's story elements with the usual characters. Once a person understood the make up of every story ever written, making up one's own stories was not difficult.

Leaning close to Temperance's face, I laughed as I watched her eyes adjust and she tried to find me. She had a tendency to focus on my lips more that anything else, but I was beginning to notice that she found my eyes more and more often. I kissed her forehead before shaking my hair out over her face, laughing when she reached up and grabbed it. Less that she actually grabbed it and more that her fingers were furled just the right way to get herself genuinely tangled. I picked my hair from her fingers, my mouth closing over her hand. "Om nom, nom. Nommy, nom, nom."

Freeing her hand, I laughed deeply. She wiggled and kicked and moved her hands in a way that reminded me of the sensations that had been inside me whenever I laughed when I was pregnant, later in my pregnancy, anyway. Taking a corner of the blanket, I tossed it over her face, immediately pulling it off with a playful gasp. "There you are," I exclaimed happily. I made the motion again. "Found you!"

"She seems really playful." My playful gasp turned into one of genuine fright. I had been startled, and my heart raced. Temperance, too, gasped and trembled, taking her cues from me. "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I thought you knew I was here."

I shook my head. "I didn't notice. I'm sorry." I glanced down at Tem who was still and tight, wary of her surroundings. Of course, there was suddenly a high amount of tension in my voice and my body, and she took a lot of her cues from me. Forcing myself to relax, my therapist was a safe person, after all, I took her tiny hand and shook it back and forth. "It's okay, Baby. Mommy's being silly." Leaning forward, I blew a raspberry over her shirt and giggled. "Silly, silly."

My antics got Tem to relax a little, and when I drew my fingers along the soles of her feet, she kicked. "That's better. Tem, Tem, Tem, my silly Tem." I walked my fingers around on her belly as I said her name over and over, watching that last bit of tension drain from her which told me my voice was genuinely back to normal and I was probably relaxed again. "I love you."

For a few seconds longer, my therapist stayed quiet, and a silence filled the room. I looked over at the woman who had taken a seat on the floor nearby. "I heard you telling her a story."

I nodded. "I usually do, just whatever comes to mind. She's got a bookshelf in her room now, and we've begun collecting books for her from the fuzzy touch books to pop ups, to books she can read when she's older."

"You and Alex are both lawyers, right?" I nodded. "And, your brothers are military, but she's got a couple of uncles who are police officers?"

"Yes, and an aunt. They're not related, but they're family anyway." I looped one finger into each of Temperance's fists and wiggled her hands up and down. "Her Grandpa Down is the unit's captain."

"What about your dad? We discussed at the last appointment your dad visiting."

I nodded. "My mother went into hospital Friday night last week, so he didn't come over Saturday because he was with her. I asked if I could go up there and see her." I bit my lip, forcing the tears back. "He said I could come up but my mother specifically requested that I not see her in the hospital, particularly not if Alex and the baby were going to be there."

"I thought your mom accepted the fact that you were pregnant once she found out about the rape."

Again, I nodded. "She forgave my pregnancy but thinks because I'm not married to a man, I should have given her up for adoption. The fact that I'm raising her with a woman means even less. My sister-in-law, Jen, told me that my mother seems to think that I'm damning the child by raising her in a house of sin. Truthfully, as much as I hope my mother is okay and I love her, I cannot bring my child around that level of hate and bigotry. I just can't. I won't have her learn that, least of all from my mother. Family needs to be her safe haven because God knows going through school having to explain that she has two moms and no dads is going to be difficult enough for her. Kids are cruel and judgmental. Her family doesn't have to be."

"You're loyal first to Temperance, then?" I nodded. I supposed that was about right. Wasn't that a mother's first priority, anyway? At least, it was supposed to be, in my book. "What about Alex? If Alex hadn't been able to accept it, what would you have done?"

"When I met Alex, I was two months along and still struggling with wanting an abortion shortly after I miscarried Tem's twin. Before Alex even knew I was pregnant, she knew I had been raped and abused. She knew I was running from my ex quite literally. She knew I was pregnant fro. Sexual assault before she asked me out, and she knew I was going to have the baby long before we were emotionally serious."

"Explain what you mean by that," the therapist interjected.

I flushed deep crimson. I was still a Catholic with the classic upbringing and reservations about sex. "We, uh, we had sex before she asked me out." Actually, she made me pass out on her closet floor from an orgasm without once touching a strictly sexual area. It was after our first date that I was able to reciprocate.

"When did she find out you were keeping the baby?"

"About the same time I did. I figured she would take off, but she just told me that I had to do what was best for both me and the baby, and that if that meant I would be a mother, she would be right there along side me. Every time I have ever mentioned fearing that I would be a good mother or that I am a good mother, she reassures me that I'm doing just fine."

The other woman leaned back slightly, crossing her legs. "Why do you think you are a bad mother? Or might be a based mother?"

I shrugged. "Olivia, her aunt at the police station, is a child of rape as well, and her mother was, at the very least, emotionally abusive and an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong, Olivia's wonderful and a strong woman, but the impact on her self esteem is kind of evident. I don't want to hurt Tem, even accidentally. And, I can see him in her. It's not always obvious except in her skin color and her eyes, but as she's filled out, I've started to see him from time to time. I don't look for it, but it'll just be there. Other times, I'll have a flash back or something, and I'm afraid when I do that, I might lash out at her, not to shirt her but because I'm not all there wand don't realize it's her touching me. In my worst flash backs, I've even broken Alex's skin and made her bleed. Neither Alex nor Tem deserve that, but least of all Tem because she wouldn't be able to understand why or what was happening or that it wasn't her fault. At least when I freak out on Alex, she is able to understand that I didn't mean to hurt her, that I was mentally unavailable. Ideally, I'd like to not hurt Alex anymore, either, but I am terrified of accidentally hurting Tem."

Sighing, I scooped the baby up into my arms and leaned back against the wall. She was nodding off, so I put her back into her little sling making me think of marsupials and their pouches for their infants. As asked by the therapist, I explained the detectives as my support system when Alex went back to work and left the state and my search for and requirements of a nanny so that I could go back to work. I had been vague about Alex's job explaining only that it kept her out of state most of the year and that she lived out of state. I was not about to explain the shooting and WPP and Zapata and Connors. I figured that I could avoid that part and still deal with the root emotional issues that were presenting problems.

"Alex asked me to move in with her," I said after a few seconds of silence.

"What was your response?"

"I said I'd think about it. I want to, but I just don't know if I should right now. I'll know no one out there, and with her at work all day, that'll leave me home with the baby alone in a city where the only person I know is her, if I have a meltdown and need someone who can watch or shelter Temperance, Alex will be the only person there who can help me. I don't know if she has many friends there, but I don't really want to explain my situation to them on the chance that they'd pity me or something equally ridiculous. But, if I didn't tell them, then they might think of me as a pathetic excuse for a mother. Plus, I would need to find a new therapist for myself, a new pediatrician for Tem, a new physician for me as well as a cardiologist. I don't know if I'm ready for strangers to touch me, even if they are doctors. I've put up with it in the hospitals, but that's because I've had no choice. Starting the nanny search over would suck - or even a daycare search. I would have to find a new job. Right now, it would be too much stress. We talked about it, and she's leaving it up to my comfort level." I exhaled slowly, my body temperature rising. Reaching into the diaper bag, I grabbed some papers and fanned myself. I hated hot flashes, and no amount of estrogen pills seemed to keep them completely away. Hormone replacement therapy helped, but nothing would be permanent until my body adapted to and addressed then issue itself.

"Are you alright?"

I nodded. "Hot flash."

My therapist looked thoroughly confused. "You're a little young."

"Complications of birth led to a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. They patched me up, but apparently, my vitals didn't stabilize and my blood pressure kept dropping even after surgery. Apparently, complications from the hysterectomy due to my being on blood thinners and a steroid supplement meant I needed an oophorectomy as well. Everything internal that makes me a woman, they removed." I shrugged. It was what it was. Alex and I weren't exactly in a place to be discussing future children except that we were both certain if there would be more, they would be many years down the road and it would be a discussion reserved for either 2007, if it were safe for Alex to be Alex again and leave Witness Protection, or later, if it weren't.

"I see. You have had quite a few medical problems over the past year."

I nodded. "All stemming from being shot in the chest. But, at least I'm not dead."

"You know, Casey, the fears and doubts you've experienced have been very normal, but I have noticed that you have an overall positive attitude towards your situation. You seem to use humor and the silver lining to cope with things, and I think you're coping much better than you believe you are. There are things we can work on, and I'd like to work on them with you, but I do want to make sure to tell you that you've done well so far. You have an excellent support system it sounds like, and you don't seem afraid to use it. For the most part, it sounds like you recognize when you're spinning out of control and need help, too. You're pretty good at telling people what is on your mind, and it sounds like you have a really positive relationship with Alex where you communicate with each other really well."

I nodded. "I suppose," I said. "The whole asking for help is pretty new. Alex and Olivia taught me that, though. Besides, if I'd asked for help with David-" I paused, hesitating because of the implications of what I would be saying. "Well, things might have been different." I sighed. "I'm just not Wonder Woman even though I try to be."

We discussed a few ways I might be able to keep Tem safe in the event that I did have a panic attack or was otherwise unable to get a hold of anyone to physically assist me when things became too much of an issue as well as breathing exercises that I could practice daily, but particularly when I was feeling overly stressed or concerned that I might have a panic attack. I had already become fairly well adapted at recognizing most of my triggers and either stepping away from them or avoiding them. I had also adapted somewhat to being able to temporarily suppress panic urges until I was in a safe place to let go. It took a great deal of control to do that,t though, and I worried that it would be very easy to push me over the ledge when I was in such a state.

By then time I left, I was feeling better about being alone with Temperance, though I still wasn't completely secure. That would come in time, though, and maybe I could talk to Alex and devise a means of leaving me alone with the baby a little each day but have her close by in case I panicked. With her still around for a month, I hoped to progress to being able to be alone at least for several hours so I would be bothering the detectives very much.

At least I had a plan. I always did better with some kind of basic plan even if I veered away from it completely part way through or if I scrapped it every moment and started again. I felt more secure having a plan of what I wanted to accomplish and how I planned on accomplishing it. It didn't matter to me if plans changed, only that they existed. I could do things on the wing, but I tended to second guess myself after the fact and take it much harder if things fell through than when I carefully constructed some semblance of a plan.

Arriving home, I was somewhat surprised to find Nick, one of the building's security officers, standing outside of the building waiting for me. "Casey, Alex says you are not allowed in the apartment yet. Also, your ride just pulled around the block. He'll be right back."

"I looked at Nick strangely. "Nick, what's going on?"

He grinned. "Alex is just being Alex, Casey. It's okay."

"Uh, huh," I mumbled. "Alex is being Alex. I'm afraid."

Nick just smiled at me. I set the bag down at my feet. "You really aren't going to let me in, are you?" He shook his head. "Is Kale down here today?" The lesbian civil attorney that had become my friend hung around the complex regularly enough. I learned that she rented a suite a few floors above mine, and we ran into each other on occasion.

"She is. She'll be around soon, too." I had introduced Kale to Alex only a few days prior, but they had hit it off like old friends. Actually, they had attended the same law school, at the same time, but had apparently never met due to not sharing any of the same classes.

"Ooh, I knew introducing them would bite me." Nick laughed. "Seriously, what are they up to?" I stared at Nick with suspicion as a limo pulled up feet from me, and the civil attorney in question stepped out of the front passenger seat. "And, we wonder why I'm concerned."

"Don't be," Kale said. "I'm babysitting for the afternoon, though, if that's okay. Alex wants too treat you, and I offered to watch this gorgeous girl so you don't have to stress about her, either." I hesitated, hand on Tem. "Alex already told me you pumped in case Tem got hungry while you were at therapy, so you can't give me that excuse."

She winked at me. I sighed. "Does she have appointments anywhere?"

"Why?"

"I'd at least like to feed her before I go. I don't doubt your ability, Kale, to feed her a bottle, but it's for my comfort, too."

"In my apartment, yes. Alex was very specific that you not go in your apartment, even to change."

"It's three o'clock in the afternoon, Kale. What does she have planned?"

Kale just smiled. "You'll have to get into that limo to find out, won't you?"


	80. Chapter 80

**A/N: This chapter is for a very specific set of readers who consistently want to know about marriage in their posts and for those readers who don't say anything at all but still want to know the same. ;) It's still an issue I aim to address in the next story. For everyone, feels all around with the Casey-Alex romance-ness. **

**Thank you all for the reviews, the reads, and the favorites. **

**And, for you, an update...**

Twenty minutes later, I was curled in the back of the limo feeling rather empty without the weight I had become accustomed to over the past few weeks hanging around my torso. I was excited, though, because Alex had this tendency to be amazing and her timing was always just perfect. I still had nor understood how she has been single when I met her. Once someone broke through the professional exterior, all that remained was this soft, gooey inside that was the perfect amount of warmth and strength. At least, everything she gave was just perfect for me. I really could not complain. But, maybe that was it. Maybe she wasn't meant for anyone else and that was why she was the perfect fit for me.

"Hi," I said to the driver. He smiled at me from the mirror. "My name's Casey."

"I know. Alex told me. I'm Johnny. Here, this is for you." He held out a white envelope with my name printed across the center in silver ink. Cabot and her silver. She was awfully fond of that color.

Opening it, I found a card of the antique blue that she was equally fond of. My hand automatically went to the locket around my neck. The picture of Temperance had been changed to one of her more recent, post natal pictures, but both of my women were held securely at my heart. The bracelet, too, had adorned my wrist since she gave it to me. With a sigh, I flipped it open.

_Casey,_ I read silently, _you didn't let me treat you for Valentine's Day, so this is just because I can. Take the afternoon to slow down, relax, and enjoy yourself. I hope I can help you lift your heavy burden. Dearest heart, I love you deeply. You are in every way a dream come true. I had no idea when I imagined the perfect partner oh so many times that it would be a woman as wonderful as you. I'll be your King if you'll be my Queen._

"And, we'll live together in our castle by the sea." I exhaled slowly, sinking into the leather seat before realizing that there were things in the back with me. I hadn't noticed them before, having been too wary of a stranger so close to me. But, Alex wouldn't leave me with someone who would harm me, so I began to look around. Red, white, yellow, and pink roses were bundled on the seat beside me, tied with her signature silver ribbon, and their fragrance washed over me as I reached out to touch them. One color for me. One color for Tem. One color for Alex. And one color for all of us, for our love.

I picked up the roses and buried my face into their soft petals. Already, I was fighting back the tears. Tears that after all of this, I still had someone beside me who would never give up on me, who would never let me give up on me, and who loved me not despite my short comings, but, in part, even because of them. She certainly knew how to romance a girl, too.

It hadn't occurred to me to ask Johnny where we were going. A part of me already knew he wouldn't tell me. Alex would have forbidden it. It was part of her game. Sometimes, I wondered where she learned it. Her parents hadn't seemed to take much interest in her life growing up except to conform her to societal expectations - which, as it had with my parents, had backfired incredibly. As is were, I cuddled in to back of the limo with the roses against my cheek until the driver stopped and I became aware that he had opened my door. "Miss Novak," he said as he held out his hand.

Feeling like an under dressed princess, I took his hand and stepped from the vehicle. I had to struggle to keep my jaw from dropping when a woman approached me from a ornate, arched doorway. "Gut afternoon, Miss Novak," the woman said, her German accent strong. I flushed as she bowed her head. "If you would please follow me, your suite is ready."

Eyes wide, I turned to Johnny. He smiled and made a little shooing motion with his hands, and I followed the woman into one of the most renowned day spas in New York to a room that smelled of lavender and cherries, a light, soothing music playing low from a stereo almost hidden behind a bamboo screen. The woman, who never did tell me her name, left me with another white envelope, the same silver ink penning my name and bearing the same antique blue card.

_Casey, what you do is up to your comfort. I know you like it when I give you a massage, so here's one from someone much better at it than I. Let Tanya know what you are comfortable with, and she'll work with you. Take your time, relax, and enjoy yourself. Love Always._

I smiled, setting the card down and looking around. I didn't get far before a knock on the door alerted me to another's presence. "Miss Novak," the slender woman said as she entered. "I'm Tanya. I'll be working on you today. How are you?"

"Surprised," I said, "and a touch baffled."

She nodded. "I was told you're not accustomed to this treatment, so let's spoil you today. You deserve it."

"Okay. Thanks. Um-"

"I do all the hard work. You just tell me what you're comfortable with. You're scheduled for a full body, deep tissue massage and hot stone treatment. Is that alright?"

"I suppose. And, honestly, I don't know what I'm comfortable with. It's been ten years since I had a professional massage. I'm not really all that comfortable with my body, though."

Tanya gave an easy going smile. "Most women aren't," she said, her voice hushed like it was a secret. "If you want, we can just go ahead and get you wrapped in a towel and go from there. If anything makes you uncomfortable, you let me know, and I'll stop."

"Yea. Okay. I can do that." I tucked a blond lock behind my ear, surprised by the color. I still wasn't entirely as accustomed to waking up a blond beside a brunette. It was a little weird, I had to admit.

"Great. Here's a towel. Go ahead and undress. Wrap this around yourself, and lay down on your stomach on the table. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Nodding, I watched her leave, the door shutting behind her before I stripped down to my bra and panties, my shirt and jeans carefully folded on the chair. Wrapping the towel about me, I laid down, adjusting so I didn't feel overly squished. Folding my arms, I put my head down and tried to concentrate on the smells and sounds of the room.

Tanya was sweet to me through the entire thing. She explained what it was that she was going to do before she did it. Even with that vocal interruption, I began to feel at peace with the chords in the music, and I must have drifted off because the next trying I knew, I was waking up, my cheeks stained with tears and my entire body limp and tingling. Tanya was working out my fingers, and I turned to face her.

"You fell asleep," she murmured. "How do you feel?"

"Really good," I whispered back. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Biggest compliment ever. You cried a lot. Is everything okay?"

I nodded as her fingers slid over mine, my arm relaxing under her practiced touched. "It is now."

"Good." She nodded and have me back my hand. "Now, just lay there and relax for a little while. When you're ready, I'll show you the shower. It's important to rinse off and drink water after a massage. We pushed a lot of toxins from your muscles, and we want to flush the, from your system." I smiled at her use of the royal we. People amused me when they did that; it amused me when I did that.

I nodded, laying my head back down, my eyes drifting shut. I woke up about ten minutes later to an empty room. Shifting, I looked around me before opening the door from the room to the hallway. "Tanya?" I called.

"Miss Novak, can I show you the shower now? Take all the time you need in the shower to feel relaxed. I'll be using oils on you next, and they work best when you're relaxed and your skin is clean and warm."

"OK," I said as I followed her down the hall to the biggest shower I had ever seen in my life. Three showers, two different kinds of massages, and a hot stone treatment later, and I walked back outside feeling like I was floating on a cloud. It was past five o'clock though, and I was surprised by how long I had spent in the parlor.

Once again, I sank into the soft kiss of the roses, my body like Jello. I had to admit, the massage was on my top ten list of things that made me feel amazing. That Alex had so thoughtfully concocted then idea made me feel even better. She was so attentive.

"How do you feel, Miss Novak?" Johnny asked from the front seat.

"Amazing," I replied. Like the most important, special woman in the world. Or, rather, and better, like the most important woman to Alexandra Cabot. That topped just about everything in my book. I wished I could figure out a way to do something like this for Alex. In tried to think of what she would like, but in truth, after that massage, my brain really wasn't up to doing a lot of thinking,

I stirred to the sound of the door opening and closing, but I had discovered too much my happy place to open my eyes. Warm lips met mine, and my mouth swam with the taste of honey and salt. My eyes remained closed as I reached forward and combed my fingers through hair that was familiar, no matter what color it was. The motion alone released a wash of citrus scent that combined with the scent of roses, and I groaned. "Alex," I mumbled into her mouth, pulling her into my arms.

She laughed. "You sound drunk,"

"I feel drunk," I whispered. "I'm light as a cloud, Alex."

"Good," Alex purred. "Come with me." She took my hand and pulled me out of the limo. As I stood up, I felt someone drape a soft blanket around my shoulders. Dark had settled in the sky, though the city beyond where we were standing was bright. I knew where we were because I had run the section of Central Park many times before. Now, it was quiet. There were two people in the distance, but they didn't seem to even notice us, and farther, I could see someone on a bicycle, but I couldn't tell if it were a man or a woman.

I clutched the large blanket around me, pressing the soft material into my face. "I gotta tell you, Alex, about this amazing woman."

"Oh," she murmured, wiggling into the blanket with me, taking one end from me and wrapping it around her. I was not surprised that it could keep us both warm. Her lips met my neck just briefly. "Tell me about her."

"Mm, well, you see, she's a native New Yorker but lives out of state, only visiting when she can. I wish she could stay in the city forever, but she can't."

"Oh no, why not?" Alex asked, playing along with me as she walked me towards a horse drawn carriage, my mouth temporarily not working.

"Ah, well, you see, that's classified information. But, she's super sweet and considerate. I swear to God that when she hugs me or cuddles me that we were carved from the same tree. We just fit so perfectly together. And, she's been incredible in everything she does. She's even done the one thing I didn't even think I could do and that's been this fantastic mother to Temperance. Every day, she blows me away. She's constantly doing something to make my life better, even if its a good morning smile. Oh, she's got the best smile."

Alex flushed, kissing my cheek. "Sounds like you're falling in love with her. In that case, you've made her a very lucky woman that she has your heart so."

"Heart, body, mind. I'm not falling. I've fallen. Head over heels."

Alex unfurled herself from the blanket and stepped onto the platform of the carriage. "Sounds like you're down right smitten," she whispered as she crouched close to my ear, her breath warm against the semi-chill air. I shuddered. Her hands found mine, and she pulled me up as she stood, my feet automatically finding the steps.

I wrapped the blanket around her, pulling her close. "Down right smitten," I repeated in agreement before I kissed her deeply and with every ounce of passion I had ever felt in my life.

The horse moving forward just a little tugged the carriage along behind it, and Alex and I both fell into our seats laughing. Snuggling up beside the other woman, I wrapped the blanket around us both, my head in the crook of her neck. "You know, I'm not a native to this city?" I asked.

"Really? I did not know that. I thought your parents raised you here."

I shook my head. "New York state, but I'd never been to the city until after I graduated from law school."

"Look at that. I still have so much to learn from you."

"You're a native." She nodded. "You should give me the grand tour of Central Park."

Alex smiled, starting off with a little statue to our right, surprising me by naming the artist and date of placement at the park. Impressed, but silent, I cuddled tight against her, listening to the sound of her voice and the beat of her heat, vibrations against her rib cage in time with her vocal inflections. I was fascinated by how much history she actually knew about the park and the various points of interests as the carriage circled around. "Who knew that a chef and a lawyer would be a historian," I teased, kissing the space in her skin between her collar bone and the top of her breast.

"No. I think you have me mistaken with someone who actually knows about the place, Casey." She shrugged and bit her lip, her hand on my back.

I sat up a little straighter. "Al, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Liar. Don't spoil tonight."

She smiled at me, kissing me gently. "My family donates a lot of money to the Conservatory each year. It was sort of expected that when I took over in the family business that I would do the same. It involved knowing a lot about the park."

I cupped my hand on her chin. "Sweetie, do you want that?"

She shook her head. "No. I never wanted to do what my parents do. I'm not a socialite, Casey. I am just not cut out for that kind of life." She pulled my hand from her cheek and pulled me closer to her at the same time. "Besides, that kind of life doesn't let me do this." Her lips crashed over mine, and I pressed back into her, desperately needing her, desperately needing to take away her pain.

Slowly, I pulled away from Alex, and she smiled at me. "You're so beautiful," I murmured, my fingers tracing her lips. "But, more so when you smile." That seemed to make her smile broaden, and I laughed. "Yea. Just like that."

I adjusted in the bench style seat so that my head rested on her chest. "Hey, Casey," she murmured, wrapping her arms around me. I hummed in response. "If I asked, would you tell me a story."

"Only if you asked," I murmured in response.

"Will you tell me a story?"

I smiled, kissing her shirt where her sternum lay beneath the fabric. "What kind of story."

"Your favorite."

I laughed. "They're all my favorite. Will you settle for a love story?"

"Alright." Her fingers ran through my hair, and I snuggled deeper into her wonderfully warm body.

"In the beginning of human time, the humans were created from the three parents: the sun, the moon, and the earth. The offspring, the original humans, were round like their parents, but each bore two head, four arms, four legs, and two hearts. Like their parents, these original beings were strong. Because they had so many legs and arms, they were fast and could even roll to get places, using their hands and feet to get around-" Carefully, I reconstructed the Greek conception of soul mates and how they came to be.

Alex listened with rapt attention to the entire story, and I think our guide was listening, too, because he had adjusted to sit so that one ear was closer to me, a typical sign that someone was listening in on a conversation. I didn't mind. He obviously wasn't homophobic. At least, not when concerning two women. "How do you know when you've found your soul mate?" Alex asked as I finished the myth.

I shrugged. "You just know."

"That simple?"

"I imagine you have to listen to your heart before your head to really know, but yea, I think it's that simple."

"Are we soul mates?"

I tilted my head and looked up at her. "I think so."

"I thought you would just know?" She smiled down at me, that trickster look in her eyes. She was up to something, and I knew I ought to watch my footing with that one. Even if she would never hold it against me, I knew she was talented enough to con me into saying what she wanted me to say. She was a much better manipulator than I was. I did not doubt in her abilities.

Nodding, I closed my eyes and considered what I was about to say. For two simple words, I certainly knew better than to just blurt them before Alexandra Cabot. "I know," I said. There could not be harm in that.

"You do?" she asked me, her head tipped. The Cheshire grin said she had pinned me, but my brain was having a hard time catching up.

"I do."

I blushed.


	81. Chapter 81

"Wait," Alex said as she covered my eyes with her hands just before the elevator doors opened onto the floor of our apartment. After the carriage ride, Johnny had driven us to a little shop I was not familiar with, though walking in had been somewhat magical. It turned out to be a book store, but nothing like what I had seen in the major market. Most of the books were used, many were a hundred years older than I was, and the woman who owned it was in her mid sixties, I guessed, with long, silver hair. Alex had led me to the back room which, rather than a storage area, was lined with rugs and decorated with fake plants and plastic birds. In the back, I changed into a dress Alex had apparently bought for this occasion. It fit perfectly which didn't surprise me. I had a girlfriend with whom I could easily exchange clothing. The dark green dress fell just above my knees with long sleeves that began off the shoulder leaving my neck and collar area completely bear except for the locket. The woman had even bought me matching shoes. The woman, Maggie, turned out to seem to be very close with Alex, though never called her by a name which I thought odd. All the same, she was kind enough to offer to do my hair, and she twisted it up like she had done the same a million times before, sliding two Chinese hair sticks, the ends of which were decorated with silver and fresh water pearls, through my hair to keep it up.

I couldn't stop staring at Alex out of sheer awe that she had put all of that night together without me knowing. Not only that, but I was just about the most spoiled woman in the world, and I could not fathom how Alex had managed to be able to afford anything. But, then, it was Alex. Though I wouldn't dwell over the matter, I wondered just how much she had paid for, and just how many people actually knew she was alive in New York. For a moment, I was drawn back to the thought that there was more to being a Cabot than I knew, but I dismissed it. The mysterious Alexandra Cabot was simply that, mysterious. She, too, had changed, her black dress fitting her perfectly, and when I caught a glimpse of the two of us standing beside each other in the mirror, I realized we complimented each other just as fantastically.

We had gone to one of my favorite restaurants and the cue that told me she had been planning this since shortly after Temperance was born because I knew what the reservation list looked like to that place. Either that, or Kale had pulled some serious strings with her ex. It also told me why we were so dressed up. I hadn't been so nervous having dinner with Alex since the first dinner we had. Not only that, Alex had done her magical work again, and we had dinner on the rooftop, the meal the same as that first meal we'd shared. _I wanted to bring you back to the night, _Alex had said by way of explanation, _when I knew we were soul mates and that I would want you forever. _There had been an undeniable instant chemistry between us. We weren't without our problems, but that chemistry had never flickered or wavered, even when I tried to force myself to call her just a fling. In less than a year, I had fallen so completely in love that I knew nothing could cure me. And, damn it if that hadn't sealed the deal.

"Close your eyes." I did behind her hands, and a second later, I felt her move her hands, apparently checking to see if I really had closed my eyes. Taking my hands, Alex guided me out of the elevator and to, presumably, the door.

I heard a key twist in a lock, the familiar jangle of my keys surprising me. "When did you pick pocket me?" I asked.

"When you weren't looking," she murmured, kissing my cheek.

"Thief," I grumbled.

Alex didn't respond, her hands on my hips as she slipped behind me, pushing me through the door. "It's safe to look, now," she purred in my ear, and I opened my eyes. The furniture had been pushed back to the far wall and covered with what looked like black sheets, leaving a large open space in the middle of the living room. The only thing still there was the coffee table, sitting just to the side of center, draped in black with candles atop, their flames already set to dancing. More candles decorated the outskirts of the open area, some sitting atop the moved furniture, others on the floor. Rose petals surrounded some of the candles. Others were sitting on or near what appeared to be mirrors, casting their soft glow around the room even further.

The bedroom doors were closed, and there was a black curtain hiding the entrance to the kitchen and dining areas, effectively isolating the living room. The floor was lined with pillows and blankets, many of which I had never seen before, and as I stepped closer, I could see the rose petals adorning them, scattered between them. "Oh, my God, Alex," I breathed, hand over my rapidly beating heart. "This is amazing. This whole night has been amazing."

"I'm glad. You deserve it, you know?" She kissed my neck, directing me to the pillows and sitting me down. I knelt because sitting on the floor comfortably wasn't really an option. Her fingers danced over my bare shoulders, and my eyes fluttered of their own accord. I felt her kneel behind me, and what felt like hundreds of breaths of silk fluttered over my back and chest, and I gasped before I could stop myself. Opening my eyes, I looked around the find that I was not only surrounded by white and red petals, but they had come to rest on my chest and knees. When I met Alex's eyes, she offered a flirty smile, biting her lower lip in such a fashion that made me ache as she reached over and pulled a petal from my hair. Holding it between us, she kissed me through the petal, though between being so close to Alex and the soft touch of the petal, the flower was quickly discarded as I found myself utterly desiring to taste her. Her lips still tasted of salt and honey, and I couldn't understand how she had managed to do that, only that with the sensation of the roses still lighting my body on fire, I was lost to a primordial thought pattern.

She kept me in check, kept me in reality and in the present, even as my mind flashed back to that first time in her home in Santa Fe where I lost consciousness and the subsequent times there after in which she had nearly caused me to lose consciousness again. I realized I wanted to lose control again as she delicately removed the hair sticks, setting them on the coffee table, my hair cascading around me. I raked my fingers over her neck as I pulled her against me, kissing her with all of the demand I possessed. All too happily, I found myself on my back amidst the lounge of pillows, my dress pushed up to my hips, Alex between my legs. I wanted no one else in that spot, ever. As Alex propped herself up on her elbows above me, I caught her eyes and smiled. "It's hard not to get carried away when you're around."

"I know the feeling." She kissed my nose. "Casey, specifically tonight, why did everything turn sexual the moment we got home?"

I blinked, taken aback by her question. "Alex, if you don't want to, it's okay to stop. Just tell me."

"Casey, that's not what I meant. I meant what I asked." She slid back and knelt between my legs, kissing my knee.

Closing my eyes, I exhaled slowly. "You mean, did I do this because of my compulsion to repay people in sex for nice things?"

Alex pressed her cheek against the inside of my knee, her eyes looking over me expectantly. One hand laced in mine at my stomach. "Tell the truth, Casey," she whispered.

"I have a long way to go from being fucked up to being normal, Alex. But, in this, any time I'm with you, I'm not here because I owe you anything. I'm here because it's where I want to be, because I don't want to be with anyone else. Ever. For anything." She smiled, her thumb rubbing over my thigh where her hand rested atop the muscle.

I sat up on my elbows and looked up at her. "I'm telling the truth, Alex. At one point, I was conflicted between whether or not I was with you because you were kind to me, had literally saved my life, or because there was an instant attraction that I couldn't explain. Not anymore, Alex. I know that from the start, it was because I was attracted to you." I touched her cheek, my fingers moving over her lips and pushing against her teeth. My fingers slid into her mouth, and I hooked them over the teeth of her mandible. She bit down lightly as I drew my fingers from her mouth, her lips closing over the pads of my fingers.

Smiling, she pressed her lips against mine, laying gently over my chest. I held her close to me, my eyes closed as I felt her breathe against me. Her breath was warm over the inherently cool fabric of the dress. Her heart pounded just below my ribs, thundering against my stomach. There was a familiar ache in my chest telling me that I had gone too long between feeding Temperance. "You're my lovely, wonderfully amazing lady, Alex," I murmured.

"You're my miracle, Casey," she said. "Everything about you, us, is a fucking miracle. I couldn't ask for more, and yet, you keep giving. Thank you for tonight."

"You're thanking me? You're kidding right? I should be thanking you."

Alex smiled, looking up at me. "I could make this night any time. But, I couldn't make it with you without, well, you. You make it fantastic and soul changing."

I watched with curiosity as Alex sat up, reaching behind her. I was surprised as she handed me a thin, navy blue velvet box. "I think you'll find your question answered," she murmured.

Taking the box, I opened it carefully, thoroughly confused. It was heavier than I thought it would be, and as I held it, I realized the weight didn't come from the item inside but the box itself. "Alex?" I questioned. The woman merely gestured for me to open the lid, small smile on her lips.

Opening the lid, I broke out into a foolish grin. "I think it does," I said, laughing, the box discarded at my side as I practically leaped at her, pushing her against the floor because the couch was missing from its usual spot. Straddling her, I kissed her, not bothering to come up for air until I thought for sure one of us would pass out.

/\/\/\/\/\/\

Groaning, I rolled over, my legs dropping out of the bed automatically It was way too early for someone to be calling me. I pushed my hair out of my face, leaning over the baby basket and checking on Temperance. I had gone up to Kale's apartment to pick her up the night before and promptly gotten teased about my hair being messy and a hickey bright red and prominent on my neck. It wasn't the only place where there was a hickey on my body, but it was the most obvious. Then again, it was more or less tradition that Alex marked me up. She left at the end of the month, and I wouldn't be surprised if some of the marks stayed even through her departure – a day I was not looking forward to.

"Novak," I mumbled into my phone, slipping out of the room to allow Alex to continue sleeping. It wasn't so much that it was too early, but considering that it had been past three in the morning before I had gotten to sleep between a demanding baby and a doubly demanding girlfriend.

"Miss Novak, this is Nick with security. I have a Frank Novak here to see you. May I send him up?" My father. I put my hand to my forehead, looking down at my sheer night shirt not exactly covering the bra and boy shorts I was wearing. I glanced over the bed at the other woman. Alex was wearing even less considering how our night had actually gone. "Miss Novak?"

"Uh. Yea. That's fine." I heard him direct my father to the elevator which would take him straight to my floor. "Nick, what time is it?"

"It's nearly eleven. Are you alright?"

"Yea. Long nights with the baby."

"Uh, huh. Sure."

"Just don't tell my dad."

"That was your dad?" He sounded shocked.

I groaned. "Yea. Thanks for calling up." I hung up, returning to the bedroom. "Alex, honey, wake up. My dad dropped by."

Alex groaned. "Daddy? Go away. Just five minutes."

"Mine, not yours. Wake up."

Shifting, Alex rolled over and looked at me with sleepy eyes. "You know, you were calling someone else-"

"Ah. No. Stop. Catholic." I pressed my hand over my ears, dancing around. "La la la la la."

She laughed. "Not very Catholic last night," she said as she wrapped her arms around me and pressed her mouth over the hickey on my neck. "I think he'll get the picture anyway."

Flushing, I covered the hickey and wiggled from her grasp. "Alex, and I haven't seen my father since Thanksgiving. I'm nervous. He hasn't met you or Temperance, and the first image he's going to have of the love of my life is naked and prancing gayly around. Clothes. Please."

Smiling, Alex pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt. "Better?"

"Thank you," I said, pulling the sheer shirt off and replacing it with a tee shirt and yoga pants. The knock on my door sent me skittering to the door. "Daddy?"

"It's me, Casey."

I opened the door, stepping back to let him in. "I'm sorry. It was a long night."

"Fussy baby?" he asked.

"Something like it," I said, pushing my hair behind my ears, consciously moving hair around my neck. I was sure he had seen, but he was too Frank Novak to say anything to me about it. Still, I felt better with it covered, less like the whore of Bethlehem. Not that Alex made me feel like a whore, but the look in my father's eyes when he realized I had lost my virginity in high school cropped up as a memory. It was that look which made me feel slutty. "Please, have a seat. Coffee?"

"Sure. Casey, you're tense."

"I'm sorry, Daddy." I hung my head low. "I just wasn't expecting a visit today. How's Mom?"

"She's alright. She's still in the hospital, but the doctor expects that she'll be released Monday." I nodded. "She misses you, too."

"Don't lie to me, Daddy. Please."

"Sweetie, I'm not. She sends her love."

I wrapped my arms around myself before turning and fleeing to the kitchen to make coffee for everyone. I was tense and freaked out, and I didn't really know what to do with myself. I was silently thanking God that Alex and I had put the room back together. I put my head on the fridge and sighed. We had rearranged the furniture again to use it, but I wasn't about to tell my father that.

"Well, whatever," I said, walking back into the living room. The drapes were still up on the kitchen doorway. Pillows were still lazing around the floor, and I started to pick them up, tossing them into the corner of the room.

"You don't have to clean up for me, sweetie," my father said.

I just shook my head. "Alex is here," I blurted. I watched my father tense. "She's in the bedroom getting dressed. Daddy, this is what you came to talk about. Please, just talk."

As if that were the cue, Alex stepped from the bedroom, baby in her arms. I looked at her and instantly, the tension drained from my body. "Casey, you've got a hungry little munchkin here."

I took the baby. "Um, Alex, this is my father, Frank. Daddy, this is Alex." Temperance rooted against me, and I felt myself tense up again. I looked at Alex, my face tight. As I stood between my father and my lover, I began to tremble.

"Pleasure to meet you, Mister Novak," Alex said, her hands on my arms to hold me steady. I felt like she was truly keeping me from falling to pieces right there on the floor of our apartment. "Casey, why don't you take a seat and relax? Tem is hungry. You do your thing with that, and I'll make something for you. Mister Novak, would you like anything?"

I sat down in the chair and pulled a blanket from the basket that held Temperance's things. She latched on hungrily, and I stared at my knee caps, the blanket covering me and the baby. "I'm alright, thank you, Alex." My father's voice was tense and professional, and I cringed. "Casey, I don't mean for this to be difficult for you."

"She was born January sixteenth."

"I'm sorry?"

"My daughter, Temperance. She was born January sixteenth. You didn't ask. You haven't even acknowledged her." I felt tears hot against my cheeks as I adjusted the baby at my chest. "She's your granddaughter, Daddy. Shouldn't you say something?"

"I don't know, Casey." He folded his arms in his lap. "She was early. What happened?"

"Complications. I nearly lost her." I hesitated, still staring at my knees. "I nearly lost me." I felt a hand against my shoulder, and I looked up to see Alex standing beside me. I covered her hand in mine, lacing my fingers between hers. From everything, I felt more confident in simply talking to my father with her standing there, touching me. She raked her other hand through my hair. I watched my father watching her, and I could only imagine that Alex was returning his stare.

My father didn't say anything. Over the past year, I had learned what made my father speechless. It seemed to involve serious physical injury or risk to me. I think it had something to do with the reason he had never pressured me into the military. I was his daughter. I was the only girl of the family. Silence fell between us, and I nodded to Alex who took the cue and understood it to mean that she could go to the kitchen and play hostess. Normally, I would, but I was a little preoccupied. That aside, I had the feeling that if I didn't break the staring contest apart somehow, it would escalate into words no one really meant to say.

The silence remained with Alex in the next room. I stared down into my lap, at the shape of Temperance hidden beneath the blanket, cradled in my arms. _I'm right,_ I thought, _I'm right in this. I'm okay to fall in love with Alex because if God truly hated it that much, he would have smote me already or something, right? God's pro-love, anyway, right? Not anti-homosexuality. _


	82. Chapter 82

**A/N: Thanks all for the reviews and the reads. You all make me happy. :-) **

Returning from the kitchen, Alex passed out mugs. Cocoa for me, coffee for her and my father. I had curled up on the floor, back against the wall, baby in my lap. She was being such a great hostess, and I knew that was her Cabot upbringing showing through. I couldn't drink. I just sat on the floor feeling completely rejected. At the very least, I was preparing for that. There was just too much tension in the room, and I could see it rippling off my father's like tidal waves. Alex, beside me, was practically vibrating with it. I was tense, too, for all the same reasons and then some. Alex would never care if my father liked her, and my father would never care if Alex liked him. I did. I wanted them to like each other because my father was a very important figure in my past whom I still loved dearly and wanted to be in my future. And, Alex was a very important figure in my present whom I loved dearly and wanted to be in my future. It would be easier and far more pleasant if the two adults on the planet I cared for most got along.

I held Temperance in my lap. It would be easier on her, too, to not have to grow up amidst high tension level relationships. It would be hard enough for her being the daughter of two lesbians. Seriously, I did not want more stress piled up on her already. She was too young for that shit.

"With all due respect, sir, you came all the way down here for a reason. I'm sure you didn't expect that I would be here as well, but I am, and I don't intend on leaving your daughter. If you have questions, ask them, but I'm telling you that if you can't be a positive, supportive person in Casey's life, right now might not be the best time for you to be in her life." Alex sat down beside me looking about as graceful and regal on the floor as she did anywhere else.

I traced my fingers over Temperance's cheek and down her body to her fists. "You still haven't asked about her. She's a person, too." I didn't know why I couldn't let that go. I think I could understand the uncertainty towards Alex, but not to Tem. It wasn't his rapist he had to see in her. In fact, he couldn't even know what my rapist looked like by looking at her.

My father sighed. "I want to be supportive, Casey. You're my daughter, and nothing will change that. I don't know how when everything you're doing goes against everything I believe. It's not that I think you're doing it to spite me or your mother, but her health has been steadily declining since Thanksgiving. She thinks she's lost her daughter."

"I'm still her kid, Dad. I didn't leave her. I was thrown out of her life for being with a woman. This woman," I said, pointing to Alex, my voice quiet. "This woman who has done nothing but love me and accept me and accept my child into her life and her heart as her own. I don't understand how you can outright reject love just because you don't understand how it is embodied or it offends you in some way. So, you and Mom won't ever have a son-in-law unless it turns out I'm not then only gay kid in the family. That's not a big deal, right? Not nearly as big a deal as getting a son-in-law and losing a daughter. I know you and Mom loved Charlie, but he was dangerous. I wish I could have done more for him, but, Daddy, I can't. And, David. You both hated him, but you know who, in the end, wound up protecting me from him?"

Alex placed her hand gently over mine, and I took a much needed deep breath. As I exhaled, the tears started fresh, and I shook as I stared down, unable to really see anything. "I don't want to try to justify who I am to you, Daddy. I am who I am. I may not be gay, but I'm clearly not straight. It feels right, though, whatever I am when I'm with Alex. And, my little family may not be what you and Mom hoped for me to have when I was growing up, but its a family. And, I'm happy. What more could you want for me?"

"Are you sure you're happy, Casey? This isn't some bandage that you've put on your life because of what happened with David?" I felt Alex tense beside me, and I rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. "You weren't raised this way, to be like this. I don't understand, and I can't help but think you're acting out because of your less than ideal relationships with men."

"I've had the police called to the apartment by concerned neighbors who hear screaming. I've woken up in the hospital with concussions, stitches, and sprains. I've had guns pushed into my face. I've been beaten for missing the subway home or staying at work late. I've been called vile names. I've been beaten for saying no to sex, and I've been flat out pinned down and raped. 'Less than ideal' is an understatement. I found one of the men at the bottom of society, and he dragged me down with him. Alex was the one to offer me a hand to pull me up."

My father shock his head. "That's precisely what I am talking about, Casey. I'm worried that you've clung to the first person to help you, and it's not really who or what you are."

I felt every muscle in Alex's body freeze. My hand tightened over hers as a reminder to stay quiet. The goal was to not alienate myself further. "Alex is special, Daddy. She's special to me. She's my partner and my daughter's mother. She may have been the first person I clung to, but I fought that. I fought it because I didn't think I could be attracted to women. I didn't want to be because I was worried it would upset you and Mom too much. I had barely accepted our relationship when I saw you at Thanksgiving. I'm trying not to hold anything against you because I had some of the same fears and concerns. I don't want to convince you to like Alex. You either will or you won't, but nothing besides my own choices got me here, and nothing besides my own choices will separate me from Alex. It's not up to you and Mom. It's up to me and Alex, and I'm happy and in love. If it's too much for you, I won't pretend to understand, but I'll accept that you're leaving me."

My father studied me, ignoring Alex's icy glare. I could tell my counterpart wanted to say something but was biting her tongue. This was between me and my father, and I felt badly that she was unexpectedly drawn into the middle of it all. I was grateful, though, that she understood the need for her to simply observe. At least, she would observe until I became too upset, something I was dangerously close to being. I tried to focus on Temperance. She was wiggling about in the blanket, and I smiled down at her, not sure how good her vision was becoming, though I knew she was still nearsighted. She whimpered a little when a tear drop fell on her face, and I quickly wiped my cheeks. "Mommy's sorry," I whispered, wiping her cheek as well.

"Sir," Alex said, calling my father's attention to her. I curled into myself slightly, I could hear the strain in Alex's voice to be polite, but the woman was a Cabot. Polite was in her upbringing, even as she disagreed and ripped holes through other people. "At this point, it would be better if you left for a little while. Casey's not going to make a case to defend her actions, and, quite frankly, she does not need to. If Casey could find any kind of healthy, complete love from someone entirely dedicated to her wellness and happiness as well as the happiness and health of her daughter, as a father I would expect you to be happy. All I want for my daughter is happiness, no matter who she is with or where. I suspect that is the same for you, but you don't have the right to question what your child considers happy. Everyone has different measures of satisfaction in life, and yours may be with a woman and seven children and a military career. Right now, if I understand Casey correctly, her measure of satisfaction is high where's she is right now.

"I'm not saying that it's perfect. I'm not perfect. Casey deserves so much better than I can give her. She deserves better than anyone can give her. So does Temperance. As far as I'm concerned, there isn't a person alive good enough for either of them, but Casey did choose to be with me, and for as long as she wants me to be here, I will be here, and I will protect her and our daughter physically, fiscally, and emotionally, even if that means telling her father to leave. I am concerned first and foremost over their safety and happiness. Anyone who jeopardizes that will go through me. I shot David, and while I may never need to rise to that level again, if it needs to happen, whatever level of force verbal or physical, I will do it without hesitation."

I looked up at Alex, startled. No one stood up to my father like that. No one. Both she and my father were standing, and I cautiously got to my feet, baby tucked against me. "Alex," I said, my voice even softer than I had hoped. I was expecting my father to be angry, to say something we would all regret. I did not want Alex on the receiving end of that, and I did not want my father on the receiving end of a true tirade courtesy of Alexandra Cabot. It would be like watching them argue with themselves, they were so similar in so many ways. "Daddy."

Neither one of them moved. I think Alex was waiting for a strike, like a wolf preparing to defend her territory, and my father was sizing her up. It took me a moment, but I realized what he was doing, he had done it with Charlie and David. I caught on, making me far more shocked than Alex who didn't know my father's cues. "Jen tells me you travel a lot for work."

Alex nodded, clearly wondering where he was taking this.

"Will you be in town for Easter Sunday?" Alex looked at me, baffled. I opened my mouth to explain, but my father continued. "It's not often I find someone with the kind of integrity you have, Alex. It will take me some getting used to, and Claire, I suspect will do little more than tolerate you, but if you mean what you say about Casey, then I'm hard pressed to find anyone else who would do the same for her. And, Casey, if you say you're happy after everything you've been through, then you're happy. I don't know about women in relationships with women. It seems off to me, but you're a grown woman. It's your choice."

"I think it's an invitation to join the family for Easter," I said.

"I would like it if you came. Robert and Jen seem to have good things to say about you. The rest of the boys want to meet you."

"What about Mom?" I asked.

"You're her daughter, Casey. She can't simply abandon you. Though, Alex, you may get the cold shoulder. I can tell her that you will be coming, but I can't make her like you."

"It's not my intent to be liked by anyone but Casey." Alex nodded, her hand on the small of my back. "I can be here that weekend."

"Good. Mass is at ten thirty. We all meet at our house before driving over." My father looked at me, then down at the sleeping infant cradled so naturally in my arms. "What's her name?"

"Temperance Lexine," I answered, taking a step forward as a show of faith. "Daddy, thank you. It's going to take time, for everyone, but thank you for being willing to try."

"You're my daughter, Case. Of course I'll try. Anyone willing to protect you deserves that, at least." He looked at Alex. "I'll admit, this isn't going to be easy. But, as long as you love my daughter and she loves you, then, I'm going to have to get on board."

Alex nodded. "We would both like that." Her hand touched my head, smoothing down my hair. "Nothing about Casey has changed, and she still deserves her loving family behind her. You and Claire raised an amazing woman." I flushed a little. "And, Casey's going to raise an amazing little girl who will probably want to steal all kinds of attention from her grandparents."

"She'll be spoiled. Uh, may I?" He held out his arms. I carefully placed Tem in his arms, a stone sinking into my stomach. The tension in the room was still high telling me there was a lot of work and healing to do, but maybe we would be okay.

Temperance fussed a little at the new person, but as soon as my dad began rocking her, she quieted. "There you go, Honeybee." I watched him as he smiled down at his granddaughter, sparing a brief glance to Alex in gratitude. I had no idea how to go about winning my father over to something he was so adamantly against. He was right. It would take some time. It would take a lot of time, but as long as he was willing to ask questions, I would be willing to answer them. And, if he never asked questions but didn't shun Alex, then I was okay with that, too. The room might still be tense a year from now, but at least I expected my father to be there to celebrate my daughter's first birthday.


	83. Chapter 83

**A/N: I'll get to the box and its contents in update 84 or 85. It may or may not have anything to do with the pendant Casey gave Alex. Feels all around in this chapter since you all seem to like the feels so much and I can still set up for the sequel. Thanks for the reads and the reviews. I appreciate them all.**

"You know, the only bad thing about going back to work is that it means you'll be leaving, too. You know what baffles me?"

"Hm?" Alex hummed as she folded one of Temperance's onsie from the laundry basket.

"Why they let you stay for three months. I'm not complaining, but that doesn't seem like the program to allow for this. What's so special about this? I mean, I'm sure other witnesses have had their family members in distress and they weren't allowed to return." I folded the pillow case, setting it with the other bed clothes that had been washed in the latest load.

Alex threw a wash cloth at me. "First, I left because I got a call from you, not because I got permission. Second, they know where I am. Don't look a gift in the mouth, Casey. Please. I don't know how often we'll be this lucky."

I smiled, playing with the cloth before folding it. "I know. I just can't let it go. What rules are we breaking here?"

"Every last one if I have to. Casey, I wouldn't stay in the program if I didn't think that there was some merit to making sure you and Tee don't get dragged into the whole mess with me."

"That's just it. I don't get that. What mess? Why does Zapata still want you? I make the choice now whether or not to refile on that case. You can't testify against Zapata. There's no solid evidence that he put the hit out even though we all know it. And, we don't know who shot you. So, unless there's something else going on, I don't understand why-" I stopped mid rant and stared at her, warm shirt pressed against my stomach in a little ball. "Alex, is there a part to all of this that I don't know? I mean, I feel like half of New York knows you're fucking alive."

The woman on the other side of the bed looked at me, really looked at me. "What do you want me to say, Casey? The cartel isn't my case. It isn't yours either, not really. I ran scared when I woke up all alone and agreed to leave my old life. I'm not the only one the government is protecting who can testify against this cartel. I don't know exactly what my role is in it all. Your insinuations and questions about the case are correct, and I wondered them myself. They have the case and the evidence from our end. Best they can get from me is introductory testimony regarding my perception of everything. I didn't know what I was hiding from then, all I knew was that I was terrified. I still don't quite know what I'm hiding from, but it goes beyond me getting shot by this guy and the hit on me. I just don't know where."

Reaching out, Alex tool my hand from my stomach and held it in hers. "I'd walk away from WPP in a heart beat, Casey, if the other half of New York finding out I was alive wouldn't kill you."

I shook my head. "I don't understand."

"I don't, either," Alex assured me. "I wish I did. But, this is just how it is. I'm not willing to put you at risk."

"But, they don't babysit you, they don't check in. Alex, what are they doing right now?"

She shook her head this time, sighing. "Casey, from my cell phone, they can track me down to a room. They can turn on the microphone and listen to everything I say and what those around me say. I may not know anything about them' bit they can know everything about me."

I huffed. "I know you're frustrated. I'm frustrated, too. The idea of leaving over and over is not appealing. Each time I have to, it becomes more and more difficult. Tu es ma vie. Si je pouvais être n'importe où dans le monde, je serais toujours choisir d'être avec toi."

Crawling across the bed, I wrapped my arms around her, my head against her chest. For several seconds, I held her to me in silence, listening to the thrum of her heart and the sound of her lungs filling with air. I had been three months nightmare free. I had been three months with a warm body at my side to wake up to and fall asleep with. I had been three months with cold hands and a warm heart. There months giggling and playing and lounging and talking and touching and romancing. Three months of watching Temperance progress with Alex at my side. Three fucking months of nothing but happy despite our occasional explosions, my being petty and her being stubborn - or the opposite when that was true, though rare. I was the total push over. Anything Alex asked of me, I would do, well, almost, but those things I would not do, I knew Alex would never ask.

"Let's run away." I didn't mean it, but I wish I did. "You, me, and Tem. We'll go someplace exotic and be completely different people." I smiled softly. "I'll be a courtesan and you can be a chef."

Alex smiled at me, her fingers plating with my ears so that I shook my head to make her stop because it tickles so much. "You'll be a prostitute?" She chuckled mildly.

"A Catholic prostitute," I answered. "And, I'll go by Mary just to be a smart ass."

She tipped my head up and away from her body with the curl of her index finger. "What if I couldn't share?" She kissed me softly but deeply.

"Well, dammit. Dammit all to Hell." She laughed. Of was warm and deep and genuinely amused. "I could be a waitress in the restaurant where you cooked?"

"If you were there, there would not be much cooking going on in the kitchen." Smiling, I kissed her jaw, nipping at it just enough to garnish attention, not enough to hurt. She punished me playfully back onto the bed, and I twisted, coiling myself around the two pillows on either side of the baby ensuring that she stayed in the middle of the bed.

"Momma's being silly," I told Temperance as I tickled her belly.

Alex flopped down on the other side of the bed, kissing Tem's flailing hand. "Mommy started it, Tee. Don't listen to her. The silly is all her fault." I pulled the pillow from Tem's side and smacked Alex with it. "Hey."

I earned the pillow to the face that I got, both of us instinctively careful of the baby whose physical and behavioral characteristics resembled that of a four week old despite her nearly twelve weeks in the real world. It was strange. I kept looking at her and wondering why she was so far behind, but, in reality, she wasn't.

It was starting to become a concern that she wasn't as interactive as other four week old infants, though. Granted, her pediatrician was impressed there were no blatant signs of mental or physical impairment considering my history while I was pregnant and her history of being so preterm. He speculated that it was something she might grow out of, but Alex and I has been given strict instructions to monitor her progresses and note of she back tracked at all. She was not developmentally old enough to be certain, but she apparently hit a few of the indicators that there would be a higher chance that she had some form of autism than other children.

I had also noticed that she shared some of my neurotic tendencies already. Even though Alex and I had been able to hold her toys in front of her and wiggle them around before, we were no longer able to do so without her balling up her fists and scrunching her face. She didn't cry, but she made the same faces one might expect from a crying child. She whined and grunted, too, and it was a sound of such obvious displeasure that we had stopped moving the toys; she seemed alright if the toys were stationary. I didn't like things being waved around in my face, either.

Dancing my fingers up her belly, I tapped her nose lightly earning me a look of frustration. "Kiddo, you're too much of a stress ball. That's Mommy's job." I blew a raspberry on her stomach until she wiggled with more of a happy tempo.

Glancing up, I caught Alex's eyes. "Your bad habits are rubbing off on her."

"I cursed her in utero to be neurotic, paranoid, stressed, and high anxiety, Alex." I felt my eyes drop, and I instinctively looked to the bed sheets. "I didn't mean to. It's not what I wanted. I -"

Alex touched my cheek. "Honey, you did fine. A lot happened to you last year. A lot has been happening, and I have the feeling that you haven't told me everything about it. You don't have to, but so many burdens are bound to be stressful to you."

I looked to Temperance. "Her eyes changed. Did you notice?"

Alex nodded. "They're green."

"Does it make me a bad person if I feel like that makes this all easier to handle and work through?"

"No. Sweetie, no. You're just fine. I'm glad she has your eyes, you have gorgeous eyes, she's gonna knock 'em dead with green eyes." I flushed. Alex seemed gifted with the ability to turn any potential negative into a positive. It made me wonder about her own trials and tribulations, how long it had taken her to become enlightened enough to realize that.

"You're so good for my ego," I murmured. "What would I do without you?"

"You'd survive," Alex said with that secret smile she sometimes had.

I shook my head. "I don't know."

"There's Kale. She's a good friend, and I hear you practiced flirting with her."

Crimson was mild for the color that I turned. Fire engine red might have been more accurate. I dropped my head, shaking my hair over my face automatically. "Alex, I. We weren't. Ugh."

Laughing, Alex brushed aside my curtain of shame and kissed my nose. "Casey, I'm not mad. It's a funny story the way Kale tells it. Besides, when you met her, did you even think we'd see each other again?"

"No," I murmured, still red.

"Then, I can't very well hold it against you, honey. Anyway, she's a nice, intelligent woman. I can see why you would go for her."

"I -" I tried to protest and found that I couldn't. If I hasn't met Alex, I probably wouldn't have flirted with Kale, but if I hadn't been so thoroughly hooked by the former prosecutor and thoroughly confused by my own feelings towards romantic partners, I probably would have done more than just flirt with Kale.

Alex pressed a finger to my lips. "And, you have the detectives. I think you would be alright."

I shook my head again, her finger still on my mouth. "Rebuttal, Counselor," I mumbled against her finger. She removed the digit and raised an eye brow, "Don't forget my downward spiral into whoredom. My sense of monogamy was what stopped me, even when I felt as though I deserved little more from anyone than to be treated like a slut. You helped bring me out of that, not Kale and not Olivia or the other detectives. With the men I was picking up, Alex, it would have only been a matter of time before I was seriously injured or killed. I had a death wish for a long time."

"You don't any more?"

"I have too much to live for. I have you who, for whatever reason I cannot conceive, loves me without condition. There's Temperance whom I love unconditionally and cannot wait to see her grow up. It never occurred to me how much being a mother would change my life."

"Don't forget yourself," Alex chided. "You have a lot to live for for just yourself, Casey."

I nodded. She was right. I had never exactly fallen prey to depression, but the anxiety and the PTSD were most certainly readily available. I still jumped at loud noises and sudden movement, still had trouble with people touching me, trouble with sleeping at night - though Alex and Temperance were both managing to assist with that. For one, I had far fewer nightmares with Alex around. I was having fewer nightmares anyway, but even less snuggled against her. For another, I was up and down so much with Temperance that my sleep was interrupted frequently enough that it was a good excuse. And, when I couldn't sleep, I could take the baby into her room and rock her - and myself - back to sleep. I was getting better, and the weekly therapy sessions were helping. So was time and the emotional support I had from friends and coworkers. I had a long way to go, but at least I was headed that direction.

"Yup," I said. "Too good to me. Remind me again how it was that you were single?"

Alex grinned. "I was waiting for you to fall out of the sky," she said.

"Cheesy, Cabot. Really cheesy."

"Made you blush." She was right, I was red again, and I glanced down to hide it. "Hey, don't look away. You're cute when you're flushed."

"I don't want to lose this," I whispered, touching her cheek and bringing her mouth closer to mine. "These moments, this kind of happiness. I never thought I was cut out for the domestic lifestyle, but I'm starting to think that with you, I am."

"You won't lose this, Casey. I'm not going away forever. I'll be back soon. I promise."

"Why can't you just stay?"

"Do you trust me?" I nodded, my confusion growing. "Do you believe me when I say I'm afraid of what being alive will mean for you and Tee? The agents are adamant that I remain away from here. They may let me run around without an apparent care, but it weighs on me every second of every day. What if the tides turn and my demons start chasing you?"

"What do you have over these guys? Not the case, Alex, but whatever it is you know."

She shook her head. "If I knew what it was, we wouldn't be in this predicament. Hell, for all I know, it could be perceived knowledge. I don't actually know anything particularly damning, but they think I do. And, with men like that, the mere fear of it may be enough."

"I'm serious. Let's move to France. Avignon is pretty, and the historical component is fantastic. Alex, the city center is like one big medieval artifact."

She nodded. "Mmhm. There are plenty of cities like that all over Europe. But, you don't really want to move. We'll be alright here. If we can get through this, Casey, then we know we can get through anything." She had a point, but I didn't like the idea of conceding to it. I was looking for some quick, easy out, but there wasn't one. Her family had international ties. If she had thought leaving the country were a plausible solution to the cartel, chances were, she would have. Whatever tied her to the States tied her to Witness Protection.

"Why do they think that in two years, this will no longer be a problem for you?"

Alex shrugged. "I wish I knew. I'll just be glad to be out and here with you every night."

I nodded briefly before kissing her. "I wish that would come sooner than two years," I murmured as I broke away.

"One year and nine months," she said with a smile.

I shook my head. "Still too long." Leave it to me to find the most nontraditional relationship ever. "I'm gonna miss you too much."

"It's a good thing I'm not in the military. We'll still talk every day, and I'll come see you as much as I can."

"I'll hold you to it. Will you really be here for Easter?"

She nodded. "Of course I will, Casey. I wouldn't miss meeting your brothers for the world."

"How do I love thee, let me count the ways."

Alex laughed. "You're more of a nerd than I am."

"Yea, but you wouldn't have me any other way."

"Damn right."


	84. Chapter 84

**A/N: Box explained next chapter. I'll prepare you right now, it's not a marriage anything just yet. Any proposal, if there will be one, will be in the sequel. I just need to set a couple things up and a few characters up in these next couple chapters so that I can transfer over to the sequel. Thanks for the reads and the reviews. **

Jim touched my shoulder, and I spun around quickly, my heart in my throat. "Come on, Casey," he said, drawing me away from the window. "She'll be back in a couple of weeks."

"I know," I murmured. I had been watching Alex's plane take off, but it had taxied and flown off a good fifteen minutes prior to the agent interrupting my quiet mediation. "You ready, baby?" I looked down at the sleeping little creature in her sling, happily unaware of consequence.

Still quiet, I followed Jim back out to the car. He had been kind enough to pick Alex up, and after she protested me not seeing her off at the gate, I had been allowed to go as well. Situating Temperance into her car seat, I asked, "Why do you guys let Alex run around with so much freedom?" I turned, looking at him, sucking on my lower lip. I had wrestled with asking because I didn't know if me asking questions would somehow get us split up. But, I couldn't just not ask, either. Something was wrong, and if it put Alex or Temperance in harms way, I needed to know to be able to try to protect them.

"You would rather that she didn't?" he asked, tipping his head, probably worth confusion.

I shook my head. "I'm trying not to complain about a gift, here, Jim. But, what's really going on with all of this?"

"I don't know, Casey. I just get orders from the higher ups. I don't issue orders, I follow them." He closed the car door to the back and opened my door for me. I stepped into the Explorer he was driving and buckled up, waiting for him to get in the driver's side.

He shut his own door and started the engine." You have no idea what it is? Not even an inkling?"

"Nope," he said, and I regarded him with suspicious eyes. "Look, Casey, it's not my call. You're right. Protocol says you should have lost your chance to be with her when you refused to become a part of the program back in October. I don't know if what Alex can testify to is big enough to just about inherently give her her way on everything or if there's something else my supervisors know and I don't."

"The case wasn't much of anything. I've read it. Its a rape and murder case and it goes deeper than that, but as solely the prosecutor on the matter, what could Alex have known that she could have found out beyond what she could prosecute?"

Jim shrugged. "Maybe nothing. Fear is a good motivator for murder, Casey. So is greed. All I know is she's on someone's radar that the federal government considers a big enough problem that she's been offered protection. I'm assuming since she's listed with the cartel investigations that it has something to do with that,"

I stared at him the same level of suspicion in my eyes. "You won't shut down on me, will you?" I finally asked. "I mean it. If it's not dangerous enough that she can visit but it's too dangerous for her to stay, what can it be? I don't understand how there's a middle ground for her."

Jim frowned. "Casey, you're looking at it all wrong. New York isn't dangerous. In this city, she could blend in as anyone doing anything. Hell, we could permanently put her here, but she couldn't do anything inherently public. It's not the where, it's who she is. She chose to leave New York when we first moved her."

"She could choose to come back?" I asked, my heart freezing in my chest. I could feel something like a rock in my stomach, and I thought I might throw up. "Why does she have to wait so long?"

Jim stared at me with wide eyes. "Casey, what are you talking about?"

"Pull over," I said, and he did. I spilled out of the car, and, clutching the nearest wall, vomited. Stunned, I leaned against the wall, not sure if I was going to throw up again or not. Jim scrambled out of the car and stood behind me, his hand hovering near my elbow. "Who would know the answers to my questions, Jim?"

"Casey -"

"Who knows why Alex's fucking leash is so long, Jim?" A second wave of nausea rose up, and I had to put my head against the brick wall.

"Monica does," the Marshal answered. "And so does Mark Hammond, the federal prosecutor on the cartel case." He reached out to me, and I jerked away. "Casey, don't be rash."

"Rash? I'm being rash. She gives me crap about not being allowed to stay with me here but asks me to move there. Says it's your policy. Yet, she can leave anytime she wants?"

"Casey, Witness Protection is not designed to hold the unwilling hostage. Anyone can leave whenever they want. The only time we can hold them against their will is if we detain them same as any other law enforcement agency. I don't know why Alex gets to go in and out at random, but don't you think that she might have a very good reason for not staying permanently?"

Leaning against the wall with the entirety of my body weight, I started crying. I couldn't help it. I curled my hands around my shoulders, slid down the wall, and just sobbed. "Casey, try talking to Monica or Mark before you break down. It may have something to do with how they're prosecuting the case."

"Then, why wouldn't she just tell me that? Instead, she told me it was the Marshal service. Why lie?"

"I don't know, Casey. Don't think the worst. Alex is a good woman. She loves you and you love her."

I shook my head. "You're right. I shouldn't let this bother me as much." I should have seen this coming. It's what people do, they hurt and lie. I had to fight to not throw up. "Just take me home, please? I don't want to discuss this any more."

Despite not needing to for several months, I shut down harder and faster than I ever had in my life. In could feel myself slipping away. Surely, Alex had a good reason for lying to me, but if it were to protect me and Tem, then that reason wasn't good enough. I couldn't protect my daughter from harm I did not know existed. And, I couldn't think of any other plausible, positive reason Alex was keeping something from me.

"Why don't you ride in the back with the baby, Casey." I did as suggested, crawling in to the seat and laying my head on her carrier. She was awake and looking at me with eyes that said she was still sleepy.

Holding out my finger, I gently brushed her hand until she opened her fist and latched on. Bringing her hand up to my lips, I kissed her tiny fingers. "Hey, sleepy girl," I whispered. "Mommy's gonna get you home and changed, and then we can go for a walk in the park. It's such a nice day." And, inside, I thought I might break. I bit my lip. I couldn't jump to conclusions. Hell, I didn't even know what conclusion I was jumping to. I only knew that, instinctively, I felt betrayed. I closed my eyes and exhaled. We shared a daughter. Surely, Alexandra wouldn't jerk a child around on a string. Even if she was still very young.

Jim dropped us off in the parking garage at the complex. I didn't even bother going inside by that point. I just couldn't. I threw Tem's seat in my car and left without once going inside. I didn't know whether to be hurt, angry, confused, or worried. In a way, I was all four. And, the rush of emotion made me even more confused.

Tem stayed quiet, bundled warm in her sling at my chest, and I kept checking on her to make sure she was alright. I had begun that habit because the child wouldn't complain much until something was seriously bugging her. I just desperately needed time to think everything over. I needed more information as well which meant calling Monica. But, I didn't know if she would answer any of my questions. In fact, I was pretty sure she wouldn't.

It was that surety I felt which caused me to delay calling her. If I didn't call, anyway, I didn't know for sure, and if I didn't know with certainty, I couldn't be disappointed. Jim had said it might be nothing, which was very true. Then again, it might be nothing that the cases were preventing which meant it was Alex's choice which would be heartbreaking to me. I didn't think I had it in me to call Alex out. I had trusted that she would tell me the truth about anything , and she had said she would tell me if she knew. If she truly didn't know, then it was possible someone was up to something behind her back, and I wouldn't put it past any of them. It wasn't like that was entirely uncommon a practice in law enforcement, even with victims.

Then, there was the opposite. It could have been something major. Maybe not dangerous, but there was a good reason in regards to the case that Alex was allowed to New York as frequently as she was. I couldn't imagine what, especially if they hadn't told Alex why. And then, why wasn't Alex questioning it as much as I was? Had she already asked her questions and been denied answer? But, it wasn't like Alex to settle for 'no comment' from other people. She demanded answers. So, she knew. She had to know. Or, she had to know that she didn't want to know in which case, she knew enough. Regardless, logically, she knew more than she was sharing, and it was somewhat distressing to me as I pondered what she might know and why she wouldn't tell me. Was she trying to be the white knight to my damsel again? Or, something different?

She wouldn't intentionally hurt me. That much, I was certain of. Everything else was a toss up. If she didn't want to know, anyway, did I?

It took about two hours for the fluttering sensation in my stomach to go away. Cabot had to have a good reason to keep up the game she was playing, right? From what I understood, it was contrary to her nature to do something simply because she could. The woman had a reason and a plot for everything. Her mind seemed to consistently be at work on some great new plan. At least, that was my hope because, otherwise, I couldn't explain the behavior. By that time, too, I had ignored her call three times, and it was that third time which made me stop at a bench by one of the famed arches, staring at my phone as I sat down. Did I call her back? Hell, was I in a good enough mood to call her back without being hasty? Maybe Jim had been right. Maybe I was being rash.

With a sigh, I dialed Monica's number. She picked up on the fourth ring. "Casey, how are you?"

Ah, caller ID. "I'm okay. You sound like you're expecting my call."

"Maybe a little. What's going on?" The phone cracked like she had adjusted it on her shoulder.

I felt tears tighten my throat again. "Is there a reason Alex can't stay in New York?" I asked, leaving it open and vague.

"Legally, if she wants to be in New York, we can't stop her without arresting her. Is it absolutely safe for her? No, not absolutely."

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. "Why can she come and go at will between her protected identity and her deceased identity?" I asked after several seconds of silence. Did I want to know?

"Why Emily one day and Alex the next?" I nodded into the phone, ands though she couldn't see it, my silence was probably a decent enough answer. "Is there a particular issue you have with that?"

"Only that if she can be herself, what's stopping her?"

"The same thing that will make her a target again if she doesn't stop playing so loose, Casey. Fear."

"Monica, what do you mean 'if she doesn't stop playing so loose?"

"Exactly that. Think of Emily as an undercover identity. If she goes between worlds too frequently, then she's more likely to break cover in Wisconsin. Or, worse, too many people will know who she is in New York and she'll be targeted on the position that she's alive, first of all, and that she knows something about the cartel second."

"What about internationally? Or people outside of family?"

"Does Alex's family know she's alive?" This seemed to cause Monica some agitation, and I filed it away for later.

"No, my father and brothers. I mean, they only know her as Alex and assume she's got some kind of traveling career. As far as I know, her father still thinks she's -" I paused. "Monica, how important is that?"

"Spill, Casey. So help me, what have you two been up to?"

"Her family owns a company in Ireland near where we stayed when we vacationed out there. The people who worked there knew her, and we spent a lot of time with them. Why? Monica, tell me."

I heard the attorney on the other end of the line groan. "Classified, Casey. I'm sorry. Look, I've gotta go. I'll talk to Alex about her safety in New York. She may have to make a choice."

"About what? Monica, you're scaring me." I was standing, and I didn't remember getting up. Suddenly feeling light headed, I leaned with my back against the arch, trying not to pass out while Tem was with me.

"About who she wants to be and what that does to your relationship with her." The line went dead before in could respond, and I slid down the wall, crying all over again, Tem wrapped in my arms as I buried my face into her blanket.

"Hey, lady, you okay?" an androgynous voice somewhere above me asked sometime later. I looked up, my vision blurry from crying and nodded, staring at the youth before me. He had to be in his mid teens, that awkward stage of development that doesn't really go away until well into one's twenties.

I nodded. "I'm fine. Thanks."

"Uh, ya, okay." He sat down next to me which startled me. I genuinely had expected him to leave. Most teens would. My instinct was that he wanted something, but I didn't know what he could possibly want. He was darker skinned than me, almost Hispanic in tone but not quite, and his grab made me think he was some gang kid. He even had tattoos, and I knew he wasn't old enough to get them legally. "Shit's gotta be pretty bad when you cant even cry at home, ya know?"

I looked at him, instantly wondering what his story was. "Wise remark. How old are you?"

"Fifteen." I nodded. "That your baby?"

"Temperance," I said, unfolding my arms so he could look at her.

"Damn, she's cute." He even talked like he thought he was a thug. "My girl's pregnant right now. I dunna what to hope for. A girl so she don't end up like me or a boy so he don't end up like Maddie, ya know?"

I smiled. "Ya, I know," I said, the kid's wisdom beyond his years. "What are you doing having sex at fifteen anyway?"

"Ain't nothing else to do," he answered with a shrug. "So, what's her daddy like?"

"Oh, dude, you do not wanna be like her father?"

"He beat on you? Is that why you're crying?"

I shook my head. "No. Her father did nothing more than get me pregnant. You're doing the better thing by sticking around for your kid." I was so not telling a fifteen year old stranger about myself.

"I guess." He shrugged. "How old is she?"

"Three months."

"Jesus, she's tiny. Shouldn't she be bigger?"

"Ya," I said. "She was born almost two months early." A little look of panic crossed his features. "I didn't take care of myself, and I got sick, so she came early. Does Maddie take care of herself?"

He shrugged. "I don't really know. Her dad won't let me talk to her, so she has to sneak out to see me. I keep trying to tell him I'll be there for her and the baby, but he don't believe me. I even got a job after school! It's not much. I just work at the ice cream shop by my middle school, but, man, I'm tryin' my best, ya know?"

"Ya," I said, leaning back, Tem against my shoulder as she sucked on my collar bone. "All you can do is your best, but try to look at it if you have a little girl, and she finds out she's pregnant at fifteen. What would your reaction be?"

He looked at me. "Damn, I'd be pissed they didn't learn from her mom and me. I mean, shit, I love the baby even though I haven't met him or her yet, that's my kid and all, but I wish we had been smarter and used condoms or something. I hope my kid don't make the same stupid mistake. It makes everything complicated and all." He regarded me with something akin to suspicion. "So, why were you crying down here if ain't no one beating you?"

I smiled. "That is complicated. And, not a thing you ought to be worried about. It sounds as if you have plenty on your plate already to deal with."

"I guess. I'm Jake."

"Casey. Nice to meet you."

"And you and Temperance, too."

The kid made no move to leave, so I asked, "What do you want to do with yourself after you're done with school?"

"Man, I dunna. My dad and older brother are both in construction. I guess I'll do that. Maybe I'll stay at the ice cream shop, too. That way, I can put money away for the baby."

"If you could do or be anything in the world, Jake, what would you be?"

For a moment, he seemed to consider that seriously. Then, he shrugged. "I think it would be cool to be a trucker."

I nodded. "Why not aspire to do that, then?"

"But, then, when would I have any time for the baby?"

"You can be a good parent and still travel." I adjusted the baby so that I was cradling her against my chest, my smallest finger in her mouth. "She's got another mom who travels a lot, but she's still a good mom. She still really cares about the baby and about me. You can still care for someone hundreds of miles apart. Don't give up on your dreams and goals, go after them while still being the best dad you can be because that way, your kid will have someone to look up to and be proud of and want to be just like, and I think accomplishing your dreams for your child's future will be one of the best feelings you'll ever find."

"Ya? You think? I just don't want to give Maddie's dad an excuse, you know?"

"Trust me, kid, I know. You do what you think is best, okay? Trust yourself and your gut, and you'll do the right thing. Even if it means not being accepted by the people who should be supportive."

"You a shrink or something?"

"Worse," I answered with a smile. He gave me a quizzical look. "I'm an attorney."

"No way. That's what Maddie's dad is."

"Ah," I murmured. "Is her family more affluent than yours?"

"You mean have more money? Yea. Her dad's an attorney for some big firm and her mom is a librarian. Even Maddie's smarter than me. She wants to be a nurse."

I frowned. "Just because you come from a lower income background doesn't mean you can't do great things. My dad was in the military and I have a ton of brothers, so there wasn't much money left over at the end of the month for luxuries. I put myself through law school because that was what I wanted. Kid, if you put your mind to it and you really buckle down, you can do almost anything."

He shrugged. "I guess."

"Tell ya what. Are you working tomorrow?"

"Nope. Sundays and Mondays are my days off."

"Great. After school, you should come by my office and I'll introduce you to some people who did what they wanted even though it was far from the easiest path." I smiled, trying to be friendly. I remembered being fifteen and just wanting one person to take a sole interest in me. My mother had to spread her attention out to all of us, and that usually left us all feeling a little slighted for attention.

"Alright. Cool. Where do you work?"

"You know where the District Attorney's office is?" He shook his head in the negative, so I gave him the address and directions as well as my office extension in case he got lost. "When you get there, just tell the guard at the front you have an appointment with Casey Novak. He'll page me down to get you."

"Okay. Um, cool. But, I'm not in trouble or anything right?"

"No, why?"

"It's just that you're a prosecutor and all." He shrugged.

"Have you been arrested before, Jake?"

He shrugged. "Once for shoplifting last year. I'm supposed to be doing community service for it."

"Supposed?"

"Well, I've done twelve hours, but working makes it harder to get the hours done, so I did another four hours today, and then next Sunday, I'll do another four."

"Keep working on them as best you can, got it? My advice? Do everything you can to be as compliant as you can, and let your probation officer know if something comes up. And, no more shoplifting."

"You're not so bad, you know?"

I laughed. "Hey, you sat down next to me."


	85. Chapter 85

I twisted the sprig of rosemary between my fingers as I lay on my bed, not sure whether or not I was trying to fight sleep or fight staying awake. I had turned my phone off, setting my alarm for the following morning when I would return to work. I didn't want to. I wanted to be sick I wanted to curl up and cry. I wanted to be afraid. But, I couldn't. I just ached. My body hurt, though I had done nothing to provoke it. My brain hurt, and I was tired of thinking.

The blue velvet box lay on my stomach, opened, and I was picking at the edge of one of the glass carnations. There were two, a dark red one and a pink one. I remembered from the nuns that pink carnations were pink because of the tears of Mary, and they represented the eternal bond between a mother and a child. Red carnations were like red roses, representing deep love. Both glass pieces were beautifully done, and Alex had laced them with rosemary for fidelity and remembrance. She hadn't needed to explain any of it. Many of our conversations in the kitchen revolved not only around the actual properties of herbs, spices, and other potential food - of which she knew plenty more than I did - but also about the spiritual or symbolism of the same - which seemed to be more my area of expertise, though she had a lot of input as well.

Closing my eyes, I sighed, thinking back to the day shortly after my discharge from the hospital where all of this had come up. I couldn't believe that she had managed to find two glass carnations in such a short time. Though, she knew this city better than I did. Chances were, she knew the hole in the wall places where she could find this kind of handcrafted work, though. And, in examining both flowers, I had no doubt in my mind that they were hand made.

_I lay on my back on the living room floor with my head propped up on Alex's stomach. Temperance, tiny and scrawny, had been bundled up in her blankets in her basket beside us. Ever since we had brought her home a few days prior, I had been unable and unwilling to leave her side. Bless Alex, she had put up with it. "Hey, Alex?" I asked, my words slurred with pain medication. _

"_Yea?" she responded when I didn't say anything for a while. Her fingers moved through my hair as they did whenever she was trying to soothe me. I had to admit, I probably didn't need soothing at that juncture. I had been so tired from the medications that I was just drowsy and peaceful. _

"_What do you think it takes to stop loving?"_

"_What do you mean?" _

"_I mean, is there anything I could do to make you stop loving me? Or anything that would happen to make you stop loving Temperance?"_

_Alex sat up a little, knocking my off her stomach and into her lap. "No, sweetheart. Why would you ask that?"_

_I shook my head. "Don't answer so quickly. What could I do to make you stop loving me?"_

_She narrowed her eyes at me. "Why? Are you planning on doing something?" I shook my head, and she laughed. "Then, I don't need to think on that, Casey. But, is there something that would make you stop loving me?"_

_I paused, finger to my lips. "I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "I don't know. I guess, but you wouldn't do them."_

_"If you're worried, Casey, I'm not going to leave you, not ever. Not unless you ask me to go away."_

_"You sure? You sure you would never leave us?" She had opened her mouth to answer, and I had pressed my finger to my lips. "Think on it, Alex. I'm not asking for anything because you already have my answer. I'm just asking you to think." _

She had never verbally answered. I smiled, brushing the glass petals over my lips. This had been her answer. She had given it some thought, and I was surprised she had taken me seriously. It seemed like such a stupid question looking back, but that wasn't the last time that I had asked her. Why it was important, I didn't really know. Except to think that maybe I just needed the psychological reassurance that my brand of crazy wasn't going to send her running when it became too much. I didn't know how much longer it would take me to heal, but it would be a while.

Even now, my gut reaction was to jerk away from her, curling back into myself. A large part of me did not want to pull away. I wanted to pick up the phone and call her, apologize for doubting her, and then scream at her for lying to me. I wanted to know why she didn't tell me the truth, why she stayed in Wisconsin when the Marshals couldn't force her to do anything, and why Monica was worried about Alex's family finding out she was alive. That, more than anything, had me confused. Plus, I had already once gone to her uncle. I hadn't told him she wasn't really dead, but he had seemed so devoted to his niece that I had genuinely felt bad not being able to tell him.

Sighing, I stood up, folding the rosemary back into the box with the two flowers, tucking the entire thing into my bedside drawer. I looked around just my bedroom and felt an ache deep in my bones. She had the previous day's dirty clothes still in my hamper, and I didn't know how many times I had pulled on a pair of her jeans instead of mine dressing quickly and not paying attention or how many times I had gotten out of the shower to find her wearing one of my blouses, the cuffs pressed to her face as she smiled at me with that light in her eyes reserved only for me. Her makeup was in my bathroom along with a toothbrush, hairbrush, and everything else she needed including her own shampoo and conditioner in the shower. There was her side of the bed, and even when she was gone, I didn't sleep on it, though in the past, I had switched pillows so I could smell her scent when I went to sleep.

The living room was decorated with her tastes as well, things arranged to suit her. I had pictures of her and me and her and me and Temperance and her and Temperance. In fact, in Tem's room on the dresser was a picture of Alex and me while I was still pregnant, but after I started showing. It was a professional shot caught entirely by happenstance, Alex knelt down at my feet, one hand on my hip, the other laced in mine over my stomach. Between my clothes and the angle, it was obvious I was pregnant, and Alexandra looked so peaceful. I could close my eyes and remember the picture and the moment in which the photographer had caught it. It wasn't a planned picture. In fact, the backdrop was the studio and the lighting had been off, but the photographer had turned around to find Alex talking to Temperance, and I remembered that the look of adoration on my face said everything about how much that woman had captured my heart.

Why lie? Why not just tell me what was going on? She had my affection and love anyway, right? She had to know I wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon. Hell, if I had it my way, I wouldn't be leaving ever. At least, I wouldn't have. Did this change things for me, though? Could she do something that would lose my affection and love? I couldn't help but think that if she could, maybe then she hadn't really had it in the first place. But, even as I stood there and thought about it, I couldn't see it. It physically hurt every time she called and I didn't pick up the phone not because I was busy but because I didn't want to explode at her and I didn't know if I wanted these answers. I didn't know if the truth would hurt more than the lie.

"Come on, Casey, don't be so stupid," I muttered, raking my hands through my hair. "Damn it. She wouldn't put herself at risk if she didn't actually care about you and the baby. So, why are you so fixated on it? Why does it matter whether or not she lied, the evidence speaks for itself. If it weren't for the cartel, she wouldn't be afraid to be here. But, why the frequency." I was pacing by that point, using my hands to talk even though there was no audience. It was just habit born of trial preparation day in and day out.

Groaning, I spun around on my heel and looked at the baby's basket. Temperance, my quiet little child, lay in the basket. From the angle I was standing, I couldn't tell if she were asleep or awake. Her breathing sounded like she was asleep, but I didn't know with certainty. It was that nagging question in the back of my mind which drew me over to her basket like a moth to flame. She stared up at me with amber-green eyes, like fresh flecks of grass after a harsh winter. I trailed a finger down her cheek. Soft, olive skin; soft, brown hair. I covered my mouth with my hands, trying not to cry. "Mommy's a silly mess, isn't she, Tem?" I asked her, tickling her cheek such that she turned her head and latched on to my finger. "You're not hungry, goof ball."

I pulled my finger from her mouth and replaced it with the foot of her toy elephant which she happily clamped down on, gnawing away. "Poor elephant. You're gunna eat his foot off." I curled my finger in her hand and wiggled it back and forth gently. "So strange that you're the center of my world. How did that happen?" Bending over her basket, I kissed her forehead. "I guess it doesn't matter. Any of it. I just need a night. You think she'll forgive me for being hasty if I'm wrong?" I bit my lip considering the implied question – could I forgive her if I was right?

Temperance cooed as though answering my question. "Ya? I guess you're right. No sense in worrying about it right now. I have to be at the office." My eyes went wide. "Oh? Are you excited to spend tomorrow with Megan?" I clapped my hands a little and danced side to side. Megan White was a nineteen year old NYU freshman whom Alex and I had interviewed to be Tem's nanny. Olivia had run her background to make sure she was really up to snuff, and nothing had come up. I liked Megan. She had been by a couple of times while Alex was still in town, and we had just let her hang out with Temperance as well as with us to see if she was okay with the fit. Temperance, obviously, wouldn't know the difference being that she had never been watched before by someone not Alex, myself, or SVU. But, Megan was polite enough and personable enough that Alex and I generally liked her, and we both felt like she would be good with our daughter.

"That's right, huh, baby? No matter what, you're still Momma's daughter as well as Mommy's daughter. Maybe I should just stop being such a worrywart." I picked Temperance up from her basket and held her against me, curling up in bed. I traced patterns onto her stomach as she yawned and fell quickly asleep. For a long time, I just watched her sleep wondering how someone so amazing could come out of something so terrible. It hit me that for the first time I was absolutely certain, I would never take back being raped if it meant I didn't get to have my daughter with me. She didn't make it worth it, but the good that came from being a mother far outweighed the bad of what they did to me.

I blew warm air along her neck and cheek while she slept. Even in her sleep, she turned her head toward the sensation, her mouth opening and closing. I smiled. "What would I do without you, baby girl?" I sighed. "I just can't believe you're here. You're real. Three months later, and it just doesn't seem plausible. It really, truly just doesn't." I leaned forward and kissed her nose quickly before scooping her up and placing her back in her basket. I refused to sleep with her in the bed for fear that I would have a nightmare and throw her out of the bed or that I would simply roll over and crush her. Since this was my first night without Alex and I was feeling so much anxiety about our relationship, I would not be surprised in the least if there were some kind of nightmares that I had to work through in my sleep.

God, no. I would not be surprised at all.

I closed my eyes, promising myself that I would call Alex in the morning when I could be calm and rational about it. And when my sleeping pills weren't moments away from kicking in. Already, I could feel my eyes sting as I fought my weighted lids. For once, I was grateful for taking those wonderfully fabulous little pills when I got home. I just had set several alarms to go off every two hours so that I would be able to get up with Temperance. The price was that I would be groggy the next morning, but it was better than not having had any sleep whatsoever. And, I think that people in the office would understand when I explained that there was a new baby at home. I blinked softly. Other than Branch, none of my coworkers knew I had a baby.

My last thought before I fell under the spell of modern medicine was the internal debate on how many people I wanted to know outside of the family. On one hand, I wanted to show her off. She was my beautiful baby girl. On the other hand, I didn't want to explain that one to coworkers who understood all too well. But, that problem could be left to the morning. I hugged Alex's pillow to my chest with one hand, the other hand on Temperance's basket, and I was gone.


	86. Chapter 86

A knock on my office door made me look up. I had been contemplating just how to best go about mentally causing everything to catch flame, and my visitor had nearly startled me out of my chair. Catching myself on my desk, I looked at the teen in my doorway in a pair of slacks miles too big for him cinched awkwardly around his waist with a belt and a polo. I smiled. "Hey, Jake. Come in, sit down. I'm glad you found the place."

"Uh, yeah." He took a seat in a chair opposite my desk, and I moved filed around to accommodate him. "It wasn't so hard, I guess."

"You caught me just in time, too. I've gotta leave to walk over to the courthouse in about five minutes. I'm meeting a couple of detectives on a case of mine. They're a couple of the people I think you might like to talk to. They did a lot with themselves coming from not necessarily great backgrounds."

Jake nodded. "Okay. Cool. What about you?"

My brows went up. "Well, like I said last night, my dad was gone a lot working in the military, and the family was pretty big. We were comfortable, but nothing showy. I was the only girl, so I didn't have to wear hand me downs but the boys all did."

"But, you're smart. I don't have nothin' going for me."

"You've got plenty going for you, kid. If you have the motivation to accomplish something, that's ninety percent of the battle. Figuring out how to use the resources out there to achieve your goals is the other part. And, that can be tricky, but there are tons of people who will help you if you ask. I'm sure you have school counselors or teachers who would be happy to help you in whatever direction you wanna go." Standing, I grabbed my little collapsible dolly already loaded with case files in banker's boxes. "Come on. I think you'll get a kick outta Fin."

Jake stood up, pulling his pants up with him. "Alright."

I sighed, halfway to laughing. "Those aren't yours, huh?" I gestured to his pants. He shook his head. "Tell you what, I'm betting you've got jeans in your backpack, so when we go by the restroom, you can stop in and change. It's good of you to put in the effort, but we're walking to the courthouse, and you're gonna lose those before we get out the door."

He blushed. "Thanks. Jeans are more comfortable anyways." I nodded my agreement, waiting outside the bathroom while he changed.

"Better?" I asked when he came back out looking far more comfortable in his own skin. He nodded. "Great. If anyone asks, you're an undercover cop."

I winked at his gaping mouth. "Only while I'm here, capeesh? Otherwise, you'll get arrested for criminal impersonation."

He nodded, and I watched his walk turn into almost a strut. I didn't say anything, but it made me think of a few cops I knew.

"Fin, Munch, El," I greeted three of my investigations team members just outside the courthouse.

"Hey, Casey. Who's the kid?" Fin asked, nodding to the teen trailing beside me.

"Hey," Jake gruffed. "I ain't no kid. I'm undercover."

I saw Munch smile. Elliot laughed. "Not yelling it out like that you ain't," Fin chided. "You gonna get killed like that. You wanna be a cop or something?"

"Naw, truck driver."

Munch nodded. "I have a cousin who's a trucker."

"You have a cousin who's everything, John," I teased. "Guys, this is Jake Whatley. He's trailing me this afternoon hoping to meet people who have succeeded in their lives despite hardships."

"Well, you found the right ADA," Elliot said. "Damn girl, can survive anything."

"ADA?" Jake asked as he looked at me.

"Prosecutor. Actually, I was hoping you guys could help. Maybe let Jake know about some of the tough things you've handled. Where's Liv?" Fin pointed over my shoulder, and I turned to find the female detective trotting up the stairs towards us.

"Great. Jake, Detectives Elliot Stabler, John Munch, Fin Tutuola, and Olivia Benson." Jake shook hands with each in turn while Elliot caught Olivia up to speed on my temporary shadow.

"Did ya always wanna be a cop?" Jake asked Elliot as he stuffed his hands in his pocket.

"Nope," came the detective's reply. "I didn't know what I wanted, so when I graduated high school, I joined the Marines. When I got out, that's when I decided I wanted to be a cop. You always want to be a trucker?"

"Naw. When I was a kid, I used to want to be a firefighter."

"What happened to that dream?" Olivia asked as we all trooped into the courthouse and into a meeting room.

As Jake answered, I lay out the files, stacking evidence in piles join front of each detective. "I'm not very good at that kind of stuff. I don't know about chemistry and stuff."

I laughed. "Neither do half the firefighters in the FD. I put myself through law school as a waitress and a medic for the FDNY. What you don't know, they teach you. You could still be a nozzle jockey. Hey, you'd be around the city for that baby."

"Ya. I guess. My dad says ain't no way I'm smart enough." He flushed. Olivia met my eyes, and I knew we were on the same page. When Elliot glanced at Benson, I knew we'd all clued in. Self fulfilling prophecies existed. Olivia was one, constantly told she was a monster by her mother, she now feared using force on a perp. Even though she would use it, she doubted herself, thought of herself as a monster. Elliot was one. Called a fuck up by his dad and beaten down, he often had self doubts and would intentionally slip up on a case even if the intent were subconscious. And, I was one, told by a very dangerous man that I was nothing but a whore until I had a different partner in my bed each night, sometimes multiple in a day.

"You are smart enough," I said, touching his shoulder lightly. "I can't believe someone not smart would put as much thought and consideration into your future as a dad as you told me you did yesterday."

He shrugged. "My grades suck. Besides, if I were smart, Maddie wouldn't be knocked up."

"You have no idea how smart you have to be just to realize that. You made a mistake, but it says a lot about you as a person that you're trying to rectify it. I'm guessing this little pep talk is because you're having doubts about being a dad?"

Jake nodded. "Kinda everything, ya know? School's hard. I'm saving up money for the baby at work, but I don't have time for homework. And, I've got community service because I was an idiot and shoplifted and got caught."

"You were an idiot because you shoplifted or because you got caught?" Olivia asked.

"Both," he grumbled. "I know I'm supposed to say because I shoplifted, but if I weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have been caught, either."

I smiled. "Make a lawyer outta you yet."

"Doesn't make you an idiot," Fin chimed. "Makes you fifteen and cocky. Man, you're a kid. Learn from your mistakes and don't make 'em again, but don't be so dang hard on yourself. And, stick with this lady." He jerked a thumb at me. "El's right. She'd damn near survive a nuclear explosion."

I rolled my eyes. "Case," I said, holding up a stack of photographs. "I need my picture crystal clear on this one. Talk about mudslide." I sighed.

Olivia grabbed the pictures of then interior of the apartment and laid them across the table like a map. "So, basically, we've got the perp coming in through the front door. CSU pulled his prints from the door itself and the door frame. Vic swears he didn't let him in. The front door's broken, so there's no exterior security on the building."

I nodded. "Do we know when it was broken? Defense is probably gonna try to convince the jury it wasn't broken."

"According to the landlord, three weeks before the assault."

"Okay. I'll subpoena him. I might need to use that. We'll see. Continue."

"Perp surprised our vic here in the kitchen. Vic tried to fight him off, perp smashed his head into the stove, knocking the vic unconscious."

"What's a vic?" Jake asked.

"Short for victim. Sorry. And, a perp is a perpetrator. Usually, in our cases, that means a rapist or someone who routinely abuses someone, especially a child or their spouse," I explained.

"What about this one? It's two guys, so how can that work?"

"It is possible for a man to rape another man," I said, watching Jake carefully. The last thing I needed was to have his irate father call me in the morning because I had traumatized his son. Jake seemed to mull that much over in his head. "It's less common than a man raping a woman, but it happens, and it's our duty to fight for justice. Rape isn't about sex. It's about power, about humiliating the victim for the gratification of the perpetrator."

Slowly, Jake nodded. "Okay. Why is it called a sexual assault, then?"

"Because of how the assault happens. It's still a violent assault, just like if I were to beat Olivia up, it would be an assault. But, when a perp forces sex on a victim, it's also an assault, specifically a sexual one because the perp made the vic have sex against his or her will. Does that make sense?"

"I guess. What if the person doesn't know about sex?"

I knew we all went to the same dark place, but I asked, "Can you give me an example?"

"Like a little kid."

"That's still a sexual assault, but it's categorized a little differently since little kids don't know what's going on and cannot, legally, consent."

"Okay. So, this man raped another man," he said, pointing to the case.

"Yep. And, the detectives gathered the evidence and talked to everyone involved, so now it's my job to prove that the perp raped the victim to a jury."

"Is that hard?"

"It can be. A lot of people don't know that men can rape men, so I have to teach them kind of like how I explained it to you, but I don't think most people on the juries are as quick to understand it as you are. Sometimes, too, there's not a lot of evidence which can make it hard to prove. I have to show my side beyond a reasonable doubt. All defense needs is a reasonable doubt."

Jake looked frustrated, and I wondered if I'd overburdened him with information. "Why is it so hard to put bad people in jail?"

He sounded like a little kid, and my heart went out to him. Somewhere, he had seen something or something had happened to him, and I saw him regressing to that moment in life, or, rather, the moment just before, when the allusion of safety was still there. It made me ache for Temperance, for that moment when she would lose her innocence. Did every parent wonder that? When their child was going to grow old beyond his years, when the illusion of the world being a good place would vanish.

"They don't want to accidentally put someone in jail for a crime they didn't commit. Jake, are you okay?" My voice had gone soft, and I looked at him, cupping his hand in mine.

"I'm fine. I guess I just have a lot of questions."

I nodded. "Well, ask away." He nodded, and I turned back to Olivia. "So, the assault happened in the kitchen?"

Olivia looked between me and the kid as if questioning whether or not this was a good idea. Since Jake had so many questions, I went with my gut to let him sit in as much as he chose. We would all hold back a little to spare him, but most of us were instinctively aware of when something was wrong. Maybe normalizing it through our conversations would help him understand whatever it was that traumatized him. I nodded once, and she continued, "Yes. The victim woke up several hours later, doesn't remember the rape, but when he went to the hospital, the doctor cued in on some of the physical symptoms."

"Alright. I'll subpoena the physician that night, too. Anyone other than the usual suspects to subpoena?"

Munch shook his head. "Not that I can think of. This is pretty open and shut."

I pushed my hair back from my face and sighed. "Welcome back to work, Casey. Oh, hey, how did cases go while I was out?"

"Not bad. Stone's not too shabby. We could sand her down off her pedestal, and she would be alright. No you, and no Cabot, but she's trainable." Elliot's input made me smile a bit. I was learning to take compliments as they came.

"I'll work on that with her."

"How did three months vacation work for you?"

"You call up every two hours a vacation?" I asked with a smile. Elliot would, of course know all about that.

"You know, she didn't cry once for me," Olivia smirked.

"No. There's something wrong with her cry button. It's broken. That doesn't mean she doesn't get hungry." I paused, pressing the flat side of my forearm to my chest. "Or that I don't hurt."

"How's Megan doing?"

I held up my phone. "No calls so far. Either she's doing great, or she absconded with my kid and I'll kill her." I smiled sweetly. I did, however, have seventy six missed calls from Alexandra. I was impressed and mildly concerned. She had only left two messages. The first to say she had landed and couldn't wait to talk to me and Tee. The second she had left that afternoon to say that she had talked to Monica and could I please call her. I wondered what Monica had said. I also had seven missed calls from Monica and ten from Jim with a message from Jim asking me to call him so he knew not to send an agent to my for to make sure I was alive.

I had called Jim back. I had been kidnapped once by my own demons. There was no need to alarm them with Alex's as well. I told him I didn't want to talk to Monica or Alex. I hadn't given him a reason, and he hasn't asked. I had done my best to put it from my mind. I loved her, but I was afraid of what she was hiding. I'd long had the sense that there was more to everything, but I had no reason to question it. I had been thinking only of us, not of the baby. But, the moment her tiny weight had been laid in my arms, it was like a switch was flipped. I had bonded with her instantaneously, and I didn't trust when it came to her safety. I barely trusted myself.

That, and it was a blow. I had lead myself to believe she was entirely open, that that was what made her different, but she was shut off from me. She had created a barrier, and I had no means of getting through. It made me realize how many walls were between us. The relationship we had was based on navigating a maze of emotional and physical walls, and she wasn't the only one erecting them. I was just as guilty as she was and probably had half of the excuses.

That's not true.

If I were honest with myself, I would say that I was expecting, no waiting, for her to physically hurt me. Even though she had never shown any signs in the past of edging that direction, in was still waiting for it because that was what I knew. It didn't matter that my head and my heart knew she would never strike me, my emotional memory was well as my muscle memory waited with trepidation. Charlie hadn't shown signs either, but then again, we were going and in law school and it was the perfect time for his particular breed of mental illness to crop up. And, crop up it had. If Alex were at risk for mental illness, I would have thought I would have seen it.

Yet, it was Alex least of all who blamed me for my screw ups, for the late nights when I couldn't sleep, for the irrational fears, for the tears in her skin when she fought to save me from myself. And, here I was, with anything less than the same kind of faith.

"Babies are a lot of work, huh?" Jake mumbled, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Olivia was giving me a look of concern, though Elliot and Munch were focused intently on the pictures. How long had I been off in my own little world? They looked like they were deliberately trying to give me space.

"Ya," Fin answered. "Gotta be with them all the time. You or their mom or someone's gotta babysit."

"I can't afford a sitter, but Maddie needs to finish school, and I don't want her to have to work because she's smart and can get good grades and get into college." Jake slumped in his seat beside me.

"You know, my mom was a single mom, and she went to college with me being around. Not the same as finishing up high school, but if you and Maddie really wanna be parents and finish school, I bet you can figure out how to do it. In fact, I think there's an alternative high school nearby that does half day classes and has a daycare."

"I could go there while she goes to regular school, and then I could work when she gets off, and I would just watch the baby all afternoon." He frowned. "But, then she wouldn't have time for homework. I don't know what to do, but you guys are a huge help in talking to me. My dad thinks I should just leave her, and her dad don't want me around. She said her dad's gonna make her give the baby up."

"Did you guys talk about that?" He nodded. "And?"

"We can't do it. I mean, that's my son or daughter. And, we may not be in love, but we didn't just get bored and fuck. I really do care about her." If possible, he slumped further into the seat, his head falling against the desk.

I looked at Olivia, my brows raised. We were both mentally going through our resources to help out. By law, if Maddie wanted to keep that baby, the only people who could tell her no was human services with the blessing of the court. Now, if she wanted to graces of her father, that was a different stone. Personally, I thought they ought to adopt. It would allow them to finish school and get into jobs and it would give the child better opportunities than teen parents were often inherently able to provide. It wasn't that I thought they would do poorly or the child would miss out. It was simply the truth.

It was Olivia who moved first, scribbling something on the back of one of her business cards. "Call her if you like. She's an attorney, and she might be able to help you and Maddie out if adoption really is not an option for you."

Jake took the card, pocketing it. "Uh, thanks."

"No problem. Now, how long are you shadowing?"

Jake shrugged. "I dunna."

"You can stay as long as you want or leave whenever you want, Jake. I'm glad you came by. If nothing else, you have some advocates. And, if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me, and I can get a hold of any of these guys, too." I pulled out my business card, handing it to him. The detectives followed suit. "I guess you can get a hold of any of us."

Olivia smiled. "And, I need to know because I'm starving. We missed lunch, and Chinese is looking better and better."

Jake looked away, and I thought he was about to protest. "My treat, kid. As a thank you for sitting down next to me yesterday."

"You looked like you needed it," he said with a modest shrug.


	87. Chapter 87

_I don't have the right to this story any more. I did things I regret. I won't say what, though I think maybe it will be obvious. But, I end here because this is all I know. This is all I know about my story, about the events that happened that changed my life forever. The events that led me to become a mother, to become a lesbian, to become a lover and a heart breaker. It's the beginning of how I was born into who I am. This is my innocence being broken, my emergence from the lies I had submitted to without thought. _

_I said I would tell my story. And, maybe, someday, I can tell more. Maybe not. Maybe it's not worth it. My confession may end abruptly, but it ends on the cusp of the courthouse steps, fifteen year old father to be and four detectives arguing over which Chinese place is better for lunch. They haven't noticed that I've started walking or the secret smile on my face or the tears in my eyes. I'm broken, but I'm healing. I have a lot of decisions to make ahead of me, a lot of things to figure out, some sooner rather than later, and many sooner than I had hoped to have to make them. But, this is where I am right now, waiting for them to catch up, contemplating whether or not they will. _

"_Casey," Olivia calls out to me, waving her hand. "Hey, wait." _

"_You were the one starving," I call back. My life's not perfect. I've messed up. I've made a lot of mistakes, and I'm paying the price. I'll make more mistakes, I guarantee it. Where I am right now, I hate myself. And, I understand if you do, too. I've broken a lot of hearts, ruined a lot of happy endings, but that's just it. There is no ending. Even when I die, it won't be the end. My daughter will continue on. Everyone I know and knew will continue on. It won't end. _

_What happens next, though, that is not my story to tell. That portion of history belongs to another, and how she spins it, how she sees it, what she tells is entirely up to her. What you know is the truth to the best of my knowledge to this moment in time. After this, somehow, I don't know if what I do will be as important. At some point, I have to step aside, even if my story remains forever undone. I am one story of thousands, a thread in the wind. Among thousands, it is impossible to know where I will end. Immortality does not mean never dying. Immortality is knowing that my thread began as a branch of someone else's and someone else's thread will tie into the end of mine. We're one big cloth, weaving, changing, dodging, sliding, twisting, knotting, snagging. Our contribution to the tapestry may be short as individuals, but it adds to the tapestry for better or worse. Then, someone else will add. After all, it's how the world keeps on turning. _


End file.
